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Secret Santa....

Posted by Ally Tucker on December 6, 2011 at 6:20 PM


I read a tweet today from a comedian that simply said, "Just told my secret santa I murdered a plumber in Vermont in 1995, or is that not how it works?"

I got to thinking...I better give my bruh Santa a call and see if he gets "secret santa" confessions such as that all the time. Turns out, thankfully for a blog such as this, that he does in fact get secret santa confessions such as that. Do you want some even better news? Most of the secret santa confessions come from celebrities. Eureka! Warm up your mittens ladies and gentlemen, we've got some secret santa confession mail to sift through!!!

Confession/Secret/Letter #1:


(Evan is a 32 year old U of L fan)

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Secret #2:

Dear Santa,

I actually was the one who ran over grandma. Sorry for throwing you under the bus for all those years. Drinks on me this weekend? Ovaltine for all, and to all a good night!

-Grandpa

p.s. Thanks for the t-shirt, Santy!


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Secret #3:

Yo yo Santa-- I wrote you a little song. Secret enclosed. Thanks boiiii! 

-Justin Biebers Biebs

p.s. I won't tell anyone that those concert tickets you asked for were actually for you, and not little Cindy Lou from Wisconsin. 


"You know you love me, I know you care....
Just shout whenever, and I'll be there...
Except you live far, though ya make a mean toy, 
I'll do what I can though, cuz your my boy....

Are Selena and I an item?...Santa quit playin'...
"We're just friends"...you know I'm gay and...
There's another, can you see it in my eyes?
Turns out I'm actually the dad, what a Christmas surpri-ise!

And I was like Santa, Santa, Santa, ohhhhhh...
Santa, Santa, Santa, no.....
Like Santa, Santa, Santa, ohhhhh....
I thought the paternity test would be fineeee...."





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Secret #4:

Dear Santa,

I traveled. I walked. Whatever you wanna call it, I did it. 

- Patrick Sparks

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Secret #5:

Dear Santa,

I can see!  (I just choose to selectively ignore 90% of the antics that go on in the Griffin household)
-Pearl





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Secret #6:

Dear Santa,

I hate public speaking. I'm lactose intolerant (Orange Leaf sucks!)  I feel uncomfortable promoting my own products. I thought Derek Rose was actually this guy....



the whole ACT/SAT thing was all a big mistake. Apparently this guy's name is Derek Rose too. I just happened to luck into the Derek Rose with the ability to drive and finish in the paint. Dumb luck, really. In life--you just have to roll with the punches and takes chances...and BOUNCE BACK! (You can buy my book here). I repeat, I feel uncomfortable promoting my own products. 


-Coach Cal
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Secret #7:


Dear Santa,


Last year I asked you for a husband and a life-sized poster of Shrek. I think you accidentally combined the two.



I blame you for my divorce. I also blame baby Mason for playing too loudly outside of my bedroom with Kris. 


-Kim Kardashian

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Secret #8:


Dear Santa,


For the last year of our relationship, Demi thought my nickname for her, "CK" stood for "Cute Kabbalah-ist." I didn't have the heart to tell her that, "bitch, it stands for Crypt Keeper. You're old!" 


-Ashton

p.s.  If there's anyway you could help me casually step away from "Two and a Half Men" that would be great. That show really, really sucks. 

p.s.s.   I've enclosed a picture of the last "sexting" text message that Demi sent me before I had to call it quits and cheat on her with an average looking college co-ed. I think you'll understand why I had to do what I had to do when you see it, Santa. Here it is:



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Secret #9:

Dear Santa,

I think I may have seen Mommy doing more than just kissing you. I guess that means I will be getting that iPhone 4s, Xbox360, Train Set, Macbook, Pony and Jet Plane that I asked for. 

My lips are sealed (unless you get me the old iPhone),

- Tommy Tot



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Secret #10:

Dear Santa,

This year's UK basketball team is really, really good. Oh wait, that's not a secret...at all. 

-#BBN & the rest of the world

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Categories: Ally's Blog Entries, Pop-Culture (TV, movies, music, celebs), For "LIST LOVERS"

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