I don't know if you've heard about this little thing on the Discovery Channel or not.... it's called SHARK WEEK! Apparently this week long celebration/attempt to scare the shit out of you next time you go on a family vacation, has been going on for quite some time now. I had never heard of it until last summer. Seeing as Shark Week always comes during the most busy time of the year for me, the beginning of soccer season (oh wait, soccer season never ends....silly me!), I never so much as watched a minute of it....
Until this year...
It's safe to say that I am now full-blown obsessed with Shark Week. I actually had to go camping for 3 days this week and literally deleted half of the shows on my DVR (don't worry...I will never delete the USA vs. Brazil Women's World Cup game) to make room to tape some real winners while I was gone such as "Rogue Sharks" and "Sharks After Dark." Consider me a shot-gun calling bandwagon Shark Week fan now. #LongHairDontCare
As awesome as sharks are (and seriously...how cool are they? I am not sure if I want to BE A SHARK or get killed by a shark someday--oooohhh the glory!), I got to thinking about how bad ass they are for getting an entire week dedicated to them on the Discovery Channel. I mean these sharks get like 10+ hours of face-time every day. Even if I wanted to Keep Up With the Kardashians that many hours a day, I couldn't. But why do sharks have the monopoly on having a whole week dedicated to them? Yeah, they are pretty much the scariest creature on earth. Yeah, they kill kids. Yeah, they eat Seals like they are Pringles. But there are some other pretty scary things in this world that don't have a whole week dedicated to them. Maybe some other scary things deserve their own week.
So what if next year instead of Shark Week they went a different direction?
I plan to pitch the following options to the Discovery Channel for next year.... wish me luck!!!
You wanna talk about scary? Adolf Hitler kind of has the monopoly on the scary factor when it comes to 1 person evoking nothing but fear whenever his name is spoken. The Discovery Channel could easily fill a week's worth of shows based on the awful, awful things that this man did in his lifetime. Think about how many movies and documentaries have been made about this little fireball of scary-ness. Hell, Schindler's List could be shown and that would only leave only 6 days to fill with other stuff.
STD's are scary. I just google imaged the word and needed to step away from my computer for 20 minutes to recover. You think sharks scare people? Just run a non-stop slideshow of images of STD's on the Discovery Channel for a week straight. I guarantee you people would stop having unprotected sex....or they'd at least stop having unprotected sex with the trio of ladies shown above.
"What If Snooki Was Your Mom Week?!"
(This picture never gets old...)
You want to make kids realize how great they have it with their parents (however bad they think they are) for a week? Let them watch Snooki 24 hours a day. Oh wait, they already can do that? Oh crap....I just remembered that MTV has already called dibs on that idea. Well played, MTV. You beat me to the punch.
"What if Lindsey Lohan was your Daughter Week?!"
Don't think that we only want kids to realize how good they have it for a week. Parents need to thank the man above that their child is not Lindsey Lohan as well. Parents, maybe you should pat your kids on the back for catching them "Sexting." After all, it could be much worse....
"What if Michael Vick was Your Owner Week?!"
We took care of scaring the kids. Took care of scaring the parents. Don't think we forgot about the pets. There is nothing scarier for a dog than having to watch anything about Michael Vick.
On a more serious note, don't ever google imagine "Michael Vick dogs." What he did to those dogs is sickening and tragic and anyone who thinks that he deserves an ounce of sympathy or forgiveness for what he did---seriously-- look at the images. Sick, sick man. He will get you some fantasy football points though. I speak from experience. He still sickens me though.
Infected Piercings Week!
Even thinking about getting anything other than my earlobe pierced gives me the chills. Honestly, I've seen/heard of way too many "piercings gone wrong" stories. I'm pretty sure they could fill a week's worth of shows about "True Life Stories" of people and their infected piercings. I'd rather swim in the Panhandle at dusk or dawn (thanks for the heads up Shark Week) than go into a parlor and get a belly button piercing. No thanks! I don't even need a week of images and stories to keep me away from it. You're welcome Mom for not giving you that surprise when I came home from high school spring break in Panama City. No piercings for this kid!
Casey Anthony Week!
Ah, nevermind. I forgot that July was Casey Anthony Month. Been there, done that.
Rally's Fast Food Week!
A picture is worth a thousand words. Or calories. All fast food is essentially bad for you, but something about Rally's just takes it to another level.
Teen Pregnancy Week!
Damn you, MTV! Damn you and your 2-day long marathons of the same 4 shows in rotation! You've already taken all of my good ideas....
(quietly the best one on the whole show....)