Tucker's Tales


99 Problems, Being Rich Ain't One

Posted by Kristen Geil on January 16, 2012 at 4:10 PM

If you listened to our podcast, or if you logged onto the Internet, read a newspaper, or turned on the television in the past week in general, you know that Blue Ivy Carter was born last week to the couple I consider my adopted parents, Jay-Z and Beyonce. In one of my favorite Internet posts to date, the Thought Catalog once speculated as to what Jay-Z's 99 problems were. Here, I came up with a list of potential problems Blue Ivy Carter faces in her life because let's face it, being rich ain't one of them. 

Note: 99 seemed like a very large number and we weren't sure you guys would actually read the whole list. So we dumbed it down for ya.

1. Colic. 

2. Dislikes the taste of breast milk.

3. Parents are donating all of her baby gifts to charity, even the stuffed elephant she already fell in love with.

4. Was a little overweight coming out of the womb; worried that she will not lose her baby fat.

5. Jaden Smith is SOOOOOO CUTE, but does he LIKE her like her?

6. Stressed over whether her first word will be "mama" or "dada"; considering throwing caution to the wind and making it "Kanye."

7. Secretly enjoyed listening to Taylor Swift while in utero

8. Flat feet; will never be able to comfortably wear high heels like Mommy.

9. What if Dad secretly wishes she were a boy?

10. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

11. Lack of African-American female role models in the media.

12. Already facing pressure to be a good dancer.

13. Accidentally spit up on Lady Gaga the other day. Very embarrassed.

14. Wants to go to a UK game but is worried that the noise level will be too high for her sensitive newborn ears.

15. What does "swag" mean?

16. Parents are interviewing potential nannies; they all seem equally crazed and star-struck.

17. Newborn diapers are not very stylish; especially dislikes the Elmo pattern she is currently wearing.

18. On the same note, diapers aren't flattering either; high cut and bunching at the waist is anything but slimming.

19. Baby food sucks.

20. Wants desperately to play with her parents' dog but they won't allow it.

21. Concerned that her mom secretly resents her for ruining her body and making her take time off from tour

22. Guilt over her mother's previous miscarriage and depression over the notion that had the first baby been born, she might not exist.

23. What charity should she affiliate herself with?

24. Wondering how early is too early to start writing a memoir

25. Undecided on whether she should pursue a career in the arts or if that would be too cliche

26. Lots of tough competition to get into a great nursery school in New York

27. Boogeyman- real or imaginary?

28. Doesn't know how to jailbreak iPhone, which is used only for tweets.

29. Society and media falsely accusing parents of throwing tantrums stopping other families from seeing their newborns in the hospital

30. Wasn't fully prepared for her first picture to be taken; hair and makeup could have been vastly improved.

(I have no idea if this is real or not. I'm guessing not)

31. Can't count to 99 and thus, can't count all of her problems.

Categories: Pop-Culture (TV, movies, music, celebs)

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