Tucker's Tales


What Kind Of Facebooker Are You? Pt. I

Posted by Ally Tucker on April 7, 2011 at 2:30 PM

**This will be a 2 part series because there are just that many different types of Facebookers. Feel free to leave other suggestions for round 2 in the comment section. This is merely the tip of the ice berg. 

Facebook. Ooooooh, Facebook. I think it's fairly safe to assume that most of us have a Facebook account. If you don't, you're probably either one of those people who held out in the beginning when everyone was becoming obsessed with it--and now you just continue to hold out to be stubborn (coughStephanieHaycough), or you are one of those people who still thinks MySpace is going to make a comeback and you're just sitting over there picking your default song for your MySpace profile, hopin' and a prayin' that everyone will remember their password that they've forgotten for so many years and come back to join you (Run-on sentence.#Longhairdontcare).

Anyway, considering that most people have a Facebook account, I've noticed a few different common trends among my Facebook friends. Almost all of my friends fall into a certain category, or have a certain "Facbeook style" or "Facebook swagger" (yeah, I said it). I've tried to comb through my friends and come up with a few different categories in which they can all be placed. The following is a list of various "Facebook Styles" or "Facebook Types."  Call it what you want...you get the point.

The "Angry Sports Guy (or girl)" Facebooker

You all know this guy (or girl, but for the purposes of this entry I will refer to this person in the male form only). He only makes Facebook statuses about his favorite sports team. In fact, in order to keep up with said guys sports team, you would never even have to watch a game or turn on ESPN. Simply follow the timeline of his statuses and you will know exactly how the team has faired. He will also take any opportunity possible to make a clever or witty comment making fun of his favorite team's rival. Just don't make the mistake of going to his page to try to find out any personal information about his life. You won't find it. He doesn't care if Japan just had a natural disaster. Don't bother him with such rubbish. His day and mood changes based upon one thing and one thing only: Did his team win or did his team lose. 

The "Happy Birthday!" Monster

My Wall-To-Wall with Birthday Monster

1/29/07 2:15 p.m. Birthday Monster: "Happy Birthday!"
1/29/08 3:00 p.m. Birthday Monster "Happy Birthday!"
1/29/09 4:55 p.m. Birthday Monster "Happy Birthday!"
1/29/10 1:08 p.m. Birthday Monster "Happy Birthday!"
3/23/10 11:19 a.m. Birthday Monster "Happy Birthday!"
3/23/10 11:24 a.m. Me "Erin Rush hacked my Facebook and changed my birthday. My birthday is actually in January. Thanks though."
1/29/11 3:04 p.m. Birthday Monster "Happy Birthday!"

You all get the point. You know this person too. This is the person who only ever writes on your wall when it's your birthday, but literally never misses anyone's birthday. The closeness to the person having the birthday is entirely irrelevant. This person literally gets on Facebook every day, scans the list of people who have birthdays, and writes the standard "Happy Birthday!" message on their wall. You could change your birthday on Facebook once a week so that it says a different day is your birthday and they won't even notice. They are like a Birthday wishing machine. I'm not sure who appointed these people to such an important position, but they seem to take their job very, very seriously. 

The "Constant Checker-Inner"

If I could murder one application on Facebook, this is the one I would choose. I would at least pick a painless death for it...perhaps passing from natural causes in its sleep. I just hate this new fad in the Facebook world. 

First and foremost, it's creepy. Stalkers paradise...? Hello! I'm not sure why anyone feels the need to be so specific about their location with their entire Facebook community (which undoubtedly is filled with plenty of "acquaintances" who they wouldn't even speak to in real life if they saw each other). 

Second of all, it's annoying. I really don't understand why anyone does it ever, but at least if you are going to use the application, save it for when you are actually doing something cool. For example, if you are "checking in to Rupp Arena," fair enough. I hate you and am supremely jealous of you, but I can dig it. If you are "checking in to my bed" (not my bed, your bead....but that's how it would look on my Facebook screen. Get it?), that's ridiculous information to share. I don't care. No one cares. Seriously. N O  O N E.  I hope your bed starts charging you $3.00 or a tooth to continue checking in. Stop it. 

One more thing, what about when you "check in with 5 other people" somewhere? What about those people? That's weird too. You know what I want to know though? Has anyone ever been caught red-handed doing something they weren't supposed to do because the check-in app ratted them out? For example, if Tonya is dating Michael and Tonya thinks Michael is at home studying for a test but then she checks his Facebook and it says: "Michael has checked into his bed with 2 other people" and those 2 other people are Kandi and Krystal, the twin strippers from Deja' Vu. Probably unlikely, but what if? What if just accidentally that happened? Mind your P's and Q's "checker inners."

The "Song Lyric Enthusiast"

You guys know this person, perhaps a little too well. They constantly blow up your newsfeed with song lyrics. I have no problem with people who like to make statuses. In fact, I love a clever status on a rainy day, or even a sunny one sometimes. But don't bog down my newsfeed with words that are not even your own. Have you ever noticed that the song lyrics they choose to quote are always either a) super lame love lyrics written by super lame artists or b) really gangster lyrics that in no way describe the type of life that person probably lives somewhere such as Transy or in their white-picket fence neighorhood. 

I'm also convinced that these song lyricist enthusiasts have all banned together and made a pact to one another that they will use at least 5-6 <33333's or <3's or  ~*~'s in their statuses each week. 

~*~ "can we pretend that Airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now <3<3 ~*~


The "King or Queen of the Overshare"

We all probably have a few friends that fall into this category. They just share wayyyyyyy too much information on Facebook. Sometimes it's too much information in the medical sense. I have a lot of friends that fall into this category. If you or one of your family members is in the hospital and one of the side effects is explosive diarrhea, I really don't need to know that. Or want to know that. Sometime it's too much information in the legal sense. If you beat someone up, and are potentially in a position where it may or may not have been considered assault, sharing it with the entire Facebook world might not be your best option. I also know wayyyy too much about break-ups and make-ups between couples. I know wayyyyyyyy too much about pregnant people and the woes of their pregnancy. Sidenote: I think it should be a rule that if you are pregnant you have to give up Facebook for 9 months. 

TMI people....TMI.

The "Here's What I Did Today" Facebookers

If the Over-sharers were to have a cousin, this type of Facebooker would be it. You know who I'm talking about....the people who feel the need to give a daily rundown of everything they have done in the last 24 hours. I am talking some really, really mundane and random stuff too. I don't need to know that you took your dog to the park, cleaned up his poop, put him back in the car, picked up your kids from school, helped them with their homework, made dinner, cleaned up dinner, splurged on some after-dinner ice cream, watched the Bachelor, cried at the end, put the kids to bed, checked e-mail and then made this status. I got a headache just writing that. 

The "Application Whores"

Okay, these people aren't actually "whores." I don't even like that word. Even if they wanted to be, say, whore-ish, they wouldn't have enough time between buying new sheep on Farmville and asking for help to feed their cattle or grow their corn. 

Have you ever looked at someone's Facebook wall and you can't even actually see the last time a real live person wrote on it? The entire wall is filled with notifications about what this person has done on Farmville, or Mafia, or any of those other goober-head applications. I wouldn't even so much mind how freakishly often these people play those games if I didn't get requests from them all the time to join their farm or help them feed their squeamish pig Babe so he doesn't die. If Babe dies because I didn't join your FarmVille world, I think I will still sleep just fine at night. Sorry Babe.

The "Check Out My Blog" Facebookers

Yep. That's us  : )   Sorry we're not sorry. Just kidding. But thanks for checking out our blog and not complaining too much that we constantly blow up your newsfeed with updates. 

Categories: Ally's Blog Entries, TUCKER'S TALES CLASSICS, For "LIST LOVERS"

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1 Comment

Reply Cole
4:09 PM on April 7, 2011 
Since this is Part I, I hope Part II will involve calling out specific individuals. Picking on people is always fun.