|Posted by Tara Bilby on May 30, 2012 at 10:25 PM||comments (1)|
That's it folks, finish building your bunkers, stock up on some more soup, chop down your last trees for fire wood, the world as we know it is coming to an end. I never thought I would join the crazies in thinking that 2012 would be my last hoo-rah.. but the time has come. I am welcomed by those in radio active masks, the Boo Radley's of our generation, they welcome me with peace...
The final nail on this world's coffin was just nailed in. (take nail as a noun or verb as you wish). Shaun White hooked up with Bar Rafaeli. *takes pause from writing post while I grab another tissue*
There is so much that is wrong with this world, but that just moved into the top five. I had my moments where I thought the time was nearing before now. But I tried to push them to the side, tried to listen to the "normal people" well I'm done listening to the "normal people" damnit! It's time everyone starts listening to the Mayans. Maybe they were the equivalent then to what the New Jersey psychic is now. Need more proof then Shaun White and Bar? I'll give you the proof. Here they are, signs that people can no longer ignore, signs that the world is coming to an end...
Snooki conceived a child.
Ally Tucker admitted to liking a Taylor Swift song.
Drew Franklin gave up Taco Bell.
Amanda Bynes was arrested for a DUI.
Miley Cyrus hasn't been arrested for a DUI.
Drew Franklin gave up Taco Bell.
John Travolta found pleasure in activities that weren't dancing.
Kim Kardashian is dating someone that isn't an athlete.
Blu Ivy has yet to release a baby lullaby track of her mumbling.
YOLO became popular this year.
... Did I mention Drew Franklin gave up Tace Bell?
And then of course there's this..
I'll save you room in my bunker if you bring the booze.
|Posted by Kristen Geil on January 16, 2012 at 4:10 PM||comments (0)|
If you listened to our podcast, or if you logged onto the Internet, read a newspaper, or turned on the television in the past week in general, you know that Blue Ivy Carter was born last week to the couple I consider my adopted parents, Jay-Z and Beyonce. In one of my favorite Internet posts to date, the Thought Catalog once speculated as to what Jay-Z's 99 problems were. Here, I came up with a list of potential problems Blue Ivy Carter faces in her life because let's face it, being rich ain't one of them.
Note: 99 seemed like a very large number and we weren't sure you guys would actually read the whole list. So we dumbed it down for ya.
2. Dislikes the taste of breast milk.
3. Parents are donating all of her baby gifts to charity, even the stuffed elephant she already fell in love with.
4. Was a little overweight coming out of the womb; worried that she will not lose her baby fat.
5. Jaden Smith is SOOOOOO CUTE, but does he LIKE her like her?
6. Stressed over whether her first word will be "mama" or "dada"; considering throwing caution to the wind and making it "Kanye."
7. Secretly enjoyed listening to Taylor Swift while in utero
8. Flat feet; will never be able to comfortably wear high heels like Mommy.
9. What if Dad secretly wishes she were a boy?
10. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
11. Lack of African-American female role models in the media.
12. Already facing pressure to be a good dancer.
13. Accidentally spit up on Lady Gaga the other day. Very embarrassed.
14. Wants to go to a UK game but is worried that the noise level will be too high for her sensitive newborn ears.
15. What does "swag" mean?
16. Parents are interviewing potential nannies; they all seem equally crazed and star-struck.
17. Newborn diapers are not very stylish; especially dislikes the Elmo pattern she is currently wearing.
18. On the same note, diapers aren't flattering either; high cut and bunching at the waist is anything but slimming.
19. Baby food sucks.
20. Wants desperately to play with her parents' dog but they won't allow it.
21. Concerned that her mom secretly resents her for ruining her body and making her take time off from tour
22. Guilt over her mother's previous miscarriage and depression over the notion that had the first baby been born, she might not exist.
23. What charity should she affiliate herself with?
24. Wondering how early is too early to start writing a memoir
25. Undecided on whether she should pursue a career in the arts or if that would be too cliche
26. Lots of tough competition to get into a great nursery school in New York
27. Boogeyman- real or imaginary?
28. Doesn't know how to jailbreak iPhone, which is used only for tweets.
29. Society and media falsely accusing parents of throwing tantrums stopping other families from seeing their newborns in the hospital
30. Wasn't fully prepared for her first picture to be taken; hair and makeup could have been vastly improved.
(I have no idea if this is real or not. I'm guessing not)
31. Can't count to 99 and thus, can't count all of her problems.
|Posted by Ally Tucker on January 5, 2012 at 4:20 PM||comments (5)|
|Posted by Ally Tucker on December 6, 2011 at 6:20 PM||comments (0)|
|Posted by Ally Tucker on November 13, 2011 at 11:20 AM||comments (0)|
"11:11...Dignity? Dignity? REALLY?! Give me my money back, bitch. I wish I would stop going for athletes....or at least the awkward white guy on an NBA team. That was a bad choice." - Kim Kardashian
|Posted by Kristen Geil on November 2, 2011 at 2:20 PM||comments (1)|
Friends: As you know, I have a new life goal- to be Beyonce and Jay-Z's new nanny. Below, I have included my resume. I would greatly appreciate it if you would help me peer edit this document so that I may have the best possible chance of landing this dream job. Constructive criticism welcomed.
Kristen M. Geil
Currently pursuing a Master of Arts in Writing, Rhetoric, and Discourse. Considering a concentration in Writing Children's Books with a minor in Illustration.
Earned a double major in Psychology and Writing, Rhetoric, and Communications. Relevant Coursework: Children's Literature, Child Psychology, Pedagogy of Bike Riding, and The Babysitters Club: Accurate Depiction of Childcare or Complete Fiction?
I serve delicious cupcakes to anyone who wanders into our precious bakery. Children are delighted by our whimsical, flavorful cupcakes; parents are excited that we bake fresh daily using only natural ingredients (no artificial flavors or trans fats!) My personal nutritional philosophy is "Everything in moderation." Therefore, I think kids should have cupcakes every so often as a special treat. Our peanut butter chip cupcake is, in my opinion, irresistible.
I sell classic clothes with a twist to men, women, and children. Since your child will no doubt be in the public eye often, he or she needs a versatile wardrobe that can be dressed up or dressed down. J Crew can provide all that and more! Look how precious the tots are.
As the primary after-school caretaker of three children (Boy age 8, Girl age 7, Girl age 6), I was a Snack Artiste, Educational Programming Conneussier, and Recreational Activities Concierge. Also, I
put up with cared for their two demonic adorable Yorkshire terriers. I would be happy to put you in contact with them should you wish to follow up on my references.
For five wonderous summers of my life, I worked as a lifeguard for Lexington Tennis Club. Since many parents thought it was acceptable to just drop their kids off at the pool and then come back hours later (THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE), I often acted as a pseudo-babysitter as well. I wardrobed children with the appropriate flotation devices, threw sticks into the pool for the kids to retrieve, and judged more cannonball contests than I care to remember. Most importantly, NO ONE DROWNED while I was on duty. A couple of times, I even retrieved kids from the pool using my lifeguard tube when it became apparent that they were in over their heads- literally (or, when their negligent mothers were too boozed up to realize their kid was in the pool. Either or). Oh, and I know CPR and First Aid just as well as I know the Single Ladies dance.
Special Skills and Qualifications
|Posted by Kristen Geil on November 1, 2011 at 11:55 AM||comments (1)|
Friends: As you know, I have a new life goal- to be Beyonce and Jay-Z's new nanny. Below, I have included my cover letter. I will craft a resume for a future post. I would greatly appreciate it if you would help me peer edit this document so that I may have the best possible chance of landing this dream job. Constructive criticism welcomed.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Carter,
First, congratulations on your pregnancy! The birth of a child is literally the miracle of life, and you are so blessed to experience it. I have no doubt that you will be loving parents and true role models for your child. Your future son or daughter is very lucky indeed. Just think- this time next year your child will have just experienced his/her first Halloween! (Side note- I am one of the greats when it comes to Halloween costumes. Just saying).
Considering both of your very busy schedules, I'm guessing you will require the services of a full-time nanny, someone is who caring, experienced, fun, and able to keep up with all the daily duties of running both a household and the public lives of celebrities such as yourself.
Beyonce, Shawn- may I call you by your first names?- I am that person.
Hundreds of potential nannies will contact you with their years of childcare experience. Although I'm young, I have been babysitting since I was 13, and I have been a lifeguard for five years as well. Therefore, I am proficient in CPR and First Aid. As the daughter of a doctor and a dietitian, I know how to make delicious and nutritious snacks. I love playing dress-up or cops and robbers, and I'm not scared of changing diapers. I learned how to read at a young age, and I would read to your child on a daily basis to improve their young, impressionable minds. What's more, because I am so young, I'm not burnt out on child-rearing. I could happily do this for ten or so years without tiring. Just look at me loving on this baby!
Also, I am a firm believer that caring for someone else's child is the best form of personal birth control. So you can bet your bottom dollar that I'm not going to get knocked up on the job and have to take a leave of absence.
Besides the fundamentals that you would want your caretaker to have, I also have some intangibles you may be interested in. I have that balance of being up to date with current pop culture without being obsessed or star-struck (I will admit, there was one night where I lapsed and stalked Usher's tour bus, but that was a one-time thing and it won't happen again). I know how important your privacy is, and I would not compromise that trust or the safety of your family for any front page feature on People magazine- never in a million years!
Also, I'm compulsively organized. Ask anyone who knows me- my planner is the closest thing I have to a child. I would happily take it upon myself to keep track of both of your personal schedules. I assume you each have personal assistants, and in that case I would collaborate with them to make sure it is possible for each of you to make time for some quality cuddling with your offspring. May I suggest a color-coded "Mom's Ultimate Family Organizer"? They really are the shit.
Finally, and I don't want this to sound like I'm bragging, but it has to be said: I am a lot of fun. With me, your child will experience the magic of robot ponies, karaoke nights, and trips to take his/her picture with Santa- with the household pets too. I will make sure your child learns how to ride a bike at a respectable age (unlike I did) and takes dance classes for at least six years (I doubt I really have to worry about that with you though, B). I will also teach him or her how to hula hoop.
I will take care of all your pets, even if they are donkeys... or worse, cats.
If it's a boy, I will protect him from the Kim Kardashians and Selena Gomezes of the world; if it's a girl, I guarantee you she will never be Paris's BFF. Most importantly, I will never put him or her on a leash. That's just cruel.
In short, I am already committed to this job. I will dedicate myself and my personal life to you, and I will do a damn good job of raising your child. I hope that we can set up an in-person interview so that we can make sure we are a good fit, which I have no doubt we will be.
So pick me. Choose me. Love me.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Kristen M Geil, Nanny Extraordinaire
|Posted by Kristen Geil on October 30, 2011 at 2:40 PM||comments (1)|
You're scaring me. I realize this sounds a little melodramatic, but it's true. Your evolving actions over the past six years or so have started to be more and more worrisome to me. As a concerned citizen, I feel it is my duty to host a one-woman intervention in the form of a blog post that you will probably never read. But hey, at least I tried.
When we first met you in 2005, you were a Barbadian bombshell with some catchy reggae-inspired tunes. But apparently the crazy pop star life has changed you, because now you are a public S&M advocate with more leather in your wardrobe than Cat Woman.
It started out innocently enough, with a little sass and double-entendres in that stupidly catchy song "Rude Boy." Then, you quickly escalated into the song "S&M," which is nothing if not overt (the Britney Spears remix was a nice touch).
But really, things have come to a head with your new video for "We Found Love." I feel like I just watched your own personal version of Requiem For A Dream, with Sisqo as your co-star. Wikipedia agrees with me- they have quite a lengthy article about this video (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We_Found_Love).
As much as I love your American flag get-up, it doesn't stop my motherly instincts from kicking in (yeah, I didn't know I had those instincts either). First of all, who is this hooligan abusing you and tattooing "MINE" on your ass? Besides putting you at risk for all kinds of hepititis and AIDS, do you really want that ink when you're 65 (in addition to your other 13 tattoos?)? The boy doesn't seem to be treating you well, and what kind of message are you sending to your fans with this depiction? Although, I guess it is somewhat empowering that you ditch him in the end.
Also- the promiscuity. With all the drugs you seem to be ingesting, you're probably too messed up to consider using proection. I don't think you're quite ready for stretch marks across your six-pack, are you? A baby at this point in your life could really cramp your style- you're only 23, honey.
With the content of this video, I was already nervous about your mental state. Then I heard you did a song with Coldplay, and I thought, "Good for her! They're a nice, wholesome band. It'll do her some good to collaborate with him." And while I do like the song "Princess of China," I have to wonder if it's only adding to your delusions. I hate to burst your bubble, but I really don't think you could have been a princess or lived in a castle. That kind of stuff occurs once in a generation, and in case you didn't hear, Kate Middleton already happened this year. But then again, you're not a commoner, so maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion.
I realize that you may be acting out as a result of your abuse at the hands of Chris Brown. But for goodness sake, you have more money than you know what to do with. You could have the best psychotherapist, hypnotist, or life coach in the world. Why not recover from a traumatic relationship in a more conventional, less public way? Get a puppy, dye your hair another sassy color, or join a nunnery for a month. But the psychotropic drugs need to stop.
I hope you don't think I'm being paranoid or overly nosy. I'm just concerned. Anytime a young pop star is publicly scolded by an Irish farmer for baring her breasts in a field of sheep- I see it as a red flag. But I'm here for you, and I hope this is just a phase in your long, illustrious career. Good luck, girlfriend.
|Posted by Ally Tucker on August 5, 2011 at 3:50 PM||comments (0)|
|Posted by Kristen Geil on July 6, 2011 at 12:20 AM||comments (1)|
A couple of weeks ago, I started noticing various forms of the word "plank" on my social media outlets. Whenever I see a new word or phrase I don't recognize on Twitter or Facebook, I do what any normal person does. I go straight to UrbanDictionary.com and look it up. So, according to the venerable reference site...
To plank. To lay horizontally in a strange or unusual place. To plank you must lay horizontally straighten your body and point your fingers and toes down (towards your feet), then you must name your "plank" and post a picture of the creator (of the plank) performing the pose on Facebook.
Planking is a great pastime for people who get bored easily and have friends willing to take pictures of them looking like retards. Public planking is more adventurous and is harder to pull off especially on things like: cop cars, public toilets, and in the middle of six way highways.
Planking can also be dangerous if performed: in places of frequent use, the tops of tall buildings and placed frequented by pedophiles and rapists.
While this explained the basic foundation of planking, it still doesn't satisfy the question of, "Why is this funny?" At least, not for me. I have a few problems with this trend.
1. Most people plank between counters, on tables, and other basically horizontal places. That's not hard. It's not even interesting.
This doesn't take any great skill or daring. For the most part, these types of pictures could be taken anywhere, and it gets old to see them in tweet after tweet. Planking on a fast food counter? Funny the first time, maybe. Second time, my milkshake is getting poured on your back. Give it up.
Other examples of this involve planking across a chair, planking between two railings of significant size, and planking on the floor (News flash: That's not planking. That's just lying down, or if you're an alcoholic, passing out in a public place. Not photo-worthy).
One feat that I have seen multiple times is someone planking across a police car. In some cases, the Planker even made it across two police cars.
While at first glance this may seem unique, even daring, I doubt it is after it's been done more than a couple times. At this point in the trend, I bet police officers don't even really care about it anymore. What are they going to do besides yell at you to get off their car? You're not going to get arrested, unless you're really stupid about it. (Please note that here I wanted to insert some sort of Hallye Griffin/"Miss, please get off the horse" joke but wasn't sure how to go about it)
2. Planking at a landmark of sorts.
So as a graduation present, your parents sent you off on a two month backpacking trip through Europe. Lucky you! You're going to see some really cool things. Naturally, your digital camera is always at the forefront of your fanny pack, because your parents told you the only souvenir they wanted was pictures of you at famous locations. Easy enough. You get to the Eiffel Tower and realize, "Hey, everyone else is taking the same picture with the same boring pose. What can I do to spice it up a bit?" PLANK, OBVIOUSLY!
No. This is just dumb. Your parents will be upset. You'll be annoyed in a few years when it's the only evidence you have of your two month binge drinking journey through Europe.
3. In most planking pictures, you can't even tell who the Plank is.
For instance, that picture of the guy planking on the fast food counter I used above? Dwight Howard. But you wouldn't know unless you were way too big a NBA fan. And this guy?
Chris Brown. Even I, his betrothed, had to take a few minutes before confirming that that was indeed my sweetheart.
My contention here is, why take a picture of you doing something (in your mind) outrageously funny or cool when you can't even tell it's you? Pointless.
To close my case, I present a few pictures of planks that I find extraordinarily stupid.
This is apparently Gilbert Arenas (NBA player). A) You can't tell. B) His form is horrible.
In all fairness, I have seen a few plank pictures that are impressive to me. Some I only appreciate for their gymnastic value, not because it's a plank but just because, "Hey, it must have been hard to situate yourself that way. Decent."
I'll let the form slip because it's a guy balancing on two people's heads... and they don't appear to be in Cirque Du Soleil.
Some, I reluctantly admire for the "How in the f--- did you get up there?"
I like this one because as a vertically challenged person, I can never reach the overhead bins, let alone plank in them.
Side note- I feel like this says something about America's problem with being sedentary. We may be motivated enough to somehow climb to the top of a McDonald's (!) sign, but once we get there we just want to lie down. Oh, the irony.
What can I say, I like camels. They're notoriously grumpy and prone to spitting, so more power to this guy.
This just looks terrifying.
Finally, from what I hear, planking can get pretty dangerous. Apparently a guy in Australia died after trying to plank on a rooftop and falling seven stories to his death.
So, readers, let me know what you think. Am I missing some crucial bit about planking that would convince me of its humor value? Help me understand. Until then, I'm refusing to walk the plank.