Tucker's Tales


Jay Bilas Still Works! 1/3/12

Posted by Kristen Geil on January 3, 2012 at 4:15 PM Comments comments (0)

For those of you who aren't Twitter-savvy yet, listen up, because this is one of my favorite aspects of The Twitter thus far in our relationship. Every morning, Jay Bilas lovingly selects an inspiring rap lyric and tweets it to the world, followed by the catchphrase, "I gotta go to work." With that simple press of a touch-screen, my morning is jumpstarted and I am ready to attack the day myself; often, I too tweet an IGGTW message in hopes of having the same impact on some of my followers. In this blog feature, I thoughtfully analyze Jay Bilas's IGGTW tweet and how you, the everyday reader, can apply it to YOUR dreary mornings before work. Let's get it on.

Hey readers! Can we all just take a second and soak in the fact that I wrote the year correctly on the first try in my first post of 2012? Clapping wouldn't be frowned upon in this moment.

With the new year comes new resolutions, and one of mine is to get back on my IGGTW hustle. Jay Bilas (and Michael Kidd-Gilchrist) go to work every day, so why shouldn't I? Here it is, my rhetorical analysis of today's "I Gotta Go To Work" tweet.

I bet he's wishing those headphones were Beats by Dre.

@JayBilas: So many cars, I’m like eenie, meenie, miney, moe. So many colors in the diamonds, Kaleidoscope. I gotta go to work.

"Ballin" is a single featuring Lil Wayne off Jeezy's fourth studio album Thug Motivation 103: Hustlerz Ambition.

The song taunts lesser hustles than Jeezy and Wayne who think they are impressive simply because they have staked an area in the hood. Jeezy jeers, "You think you ballin' cause you got a block?" (Note: Block could refer to one's neighborhood or a brick of cocaine. In either case, Jeezy feels having only one is nothing to brag about).

Jay's chosen lyrics are simple enough to interpret. Rapped by Lil Wayne, this segment of the song expands on how wealthy Jeezy and Wayne have become. For example, their garages are overflowing with automobiles- earlier in the song, Jeezy boasts about how nonchalantly he can purchase another car: "Hopped out the Lamb’/Said 'f-ck it, bought another car'/I bought the Phantom just to say it’s black/I bought the Phantom just to take a nap."

There appears to be more than enough room in the backseat to do so comfortably.

Wayne also mentions that the copius amounts and varieties of diamonds he owns are reminiscent of a kaleidoscope in all its multi-colored and ever-changing glory.



If you've read my other rhetorical analyses of Young Jeezy's lyrics, you may notice that this one is more light-hearted and mischievous than the rest. Whereas Jeezy's albums have typically followed more cynical themes, such as the risks associated with hustling and the wear and tear of the daily grind, this song is a celebration of being on top, of being the number one trapstar. In tweeting this lyrics, Jay Bilas inspires his followers to think about the rewards of going to work every day. Without going to work, one cannot enjoy the finer things in life, such as Grey Goose, supermodel escorts, or a nice new Honda minivan for your family. Keep your eye on the prize, and hustling will seem infinitely more bearable.

Ladies and gentleman, Jay Bilas has gone to work.

Blog So Hard, KSR Wanna Hire Me

Posted by Kristen Geil on January 2, 2012 at 11:20 PM Comments comments (0)

Dear KSR,

Allow me to introduce myself- my name is Kristen Geil. I'm a 22 year old graduate student and a lifelong Lexingtonian- and because of that, a lifelong UK fan. 


Some important facts about me: "All I Do Is Win" is the sixth most played song on my iPod. I recently bought the lifesize DeMarcus Cousins poster on eBay. I called in sick to work last Saturday so that I could watch the UK-UL game and got to the bar at 9:05 am to ensure seating. The best moment of my life was the post-buzzer beer shower at TIn Roof after UK beat UNC to go to the FInal Four last March. I've been a KSR Fan of the Day three times, and last April Fool's Day, my friends and I put jorts on The Lex's "walking man." 


Did I mention it was monsooning and freezing? Because it was.  

But most importantly, I should be one of your interns.

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a writer, preferably in the sports, entertainment, or lifestyle sectors. My childhood diaries are filled with overdramatic ramblings and musings. In high school, I sent Mark Story a list of reasons UK basketball could be used to teach concepts in my AP English class- and got published in the Herald-Leader. In college, my friend Ally Tucker and I started this very blog for our friends and families to enjoy our smart-ass sense of humor- and managed to get 25,000 viewers in its first year. 

(Figured it couldn't hurt to appeal to Drew Franklin and our mutual love of Watch the Throne).

Although our blog started off as a "just for fun" hobby, it quickly showed me that writing is one of my true passions. Sitting down to craft a blog entry isn't a chore. Sure, some days it's a challenge, but I love the feeling I get when an acquaintance comes up to me at a grocery store and tells me that my latest rhetorical analysis of Jay Bilas's "I Gotta Go To Work" tweet made them cry from laughing, or that they made a UK playlist on their iPod after reading my suggestions. We've even gotten some celebrity recognition through Twitter- Mary Jo Perino and Josh Hopkins are blog fans. Not to pull a Chane Behanan, but I'm a strong writer with a unique voice, and I know I could write posts that would appeal to your readership. Point blank. Period.

I know, I know, you guys are already thinking, "When can we hire this girl?" Okay, here's where it gets sticky. So... I currently live in Chicago.

That's also how I felt when I read the post advertising intern spots and realized that I was disqualified by not living in Central KY. But then I thought to myself, What Would Michael Kidd-Gilchrist Do? He wouldn't give up, that's for sure. The way I see it, if you like my writing enough, we'll find a way to work it out. There are lots of possibilities for a relationship much longer and more fulfilling than that of Rick Pitino and Karen Sypher. I'm currently at DePaul getting my Master's in Writing, Rhetoric, and Discourse, and as a grad student, my schedule is pretty flexible (class/grad assistantship on all day Mondays/Tuesdays, Wednesdays until 12:30; free the rest of the time, allowing for lots of blogging or even traveling time!). My Winter Quarter lasts until March 27th and I have a job lined up for this summer. The time in between and after, well, that's negotiable, and I'm hopeful you would keep my application on hand should you have an assignment for me.

Maybe you want a correspondent to give an ex-pat view on the state of UK sports (similar to my official writing sample submission for this position)- I can do that. Want to expand the KSR blog into Tumblr? I'm your girl. Perhaps Ms. Tyler Thompson is tired of the tweet beat- I'm happy to take over. I'd even be willing to tackle the daunting task of teaching Eloy Vargas the ins and outs of correct Twitter grammar and spelling. There's lots of dirty work out there, but somebody's got to do it- and I hear that's what interns are for. 

So, in conclusion, pick me. Choose me. Love me. Or at the very least, read my writing sample (and maybe even some of my other blog posts that I have thoughtfully linked in this cover letter and the writing sample) and have a chuckle. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship, guys.

Love and Basketball,

Kristen Geil

Life as an Ex-Pat UK Fan

Posted by Kristen Geil on January 2, 2012 at 10:10 PM Comments comments (0)

As many of you know, I recently left the nest for the first time in 22 years and moved from Lexington to Chicago to get me some more of that education stuff. You can imagine the anxieties I experienced associated with moving- making friends, living without my parents' purse strings, and cooking for myself without burning the apartment down- but one constant source of impending depression was the realization that I would no longer be living in the nation's college basketball mecca.

Being a lifelong Lexingtonian, I was spoiled by my easy access to obscure television channels showing the game, scintillating Herald-Leader sports articles by Jerry Tipton, copius tailgating, and the completely unique and (mostly) memorable experience of being a 21 year old during a UK Final Four run. My good friend Ally once paid me the best compliment of my life when she told me I am more "more Kentucky" than anyone else she knows. What on earth would I do in Chicago, where pro sports rule the landscape and no one else has the WBA's YouTube channel bookmarked?

Well, I started small- I found the local UK alumni bar and went for a football game.

Folks, I present The Pony, home of a mean Bloody Mary and a 14 inch grilled cheese appropriately dubbed "The Clydesdale." Since my first visit there in October, I have returned multiple times and- get this- seen someone I know EVERY SINGLE TIME. Whether they actually live in the city or are just visiting for the weekend, it's comforting and exciting to realize that the UK fan base isn't limited to the Bluegrass State. Drew Franklin can wax poetic about Jack Dempsey's in NYC all he wants, but I dare him to come experience The Pony's friendly yet frantic UK lovin' atmosphere and tell me it doesn't remind him of Two Keys on gameday. 

Now, being in a different time zone from the Cats has both its pros and cons. Pro: Late night games are earlier, meaning I can get to bed at a decent hour (I'm only 22 years old, I swear). Con: Early games are earlier, meaning an 11 am tipoff is a regular occurence. Pro: For these 11 am games (see especially: UNC and UL basketball games), The Pony offers a two hour, $15 All You Can Eat Breakfast Buffet, complete with bottomless mimosas and certain draft beers. For the UL game, my friends and I got there at 9:05 am and got the last seats in the house- at the bar. That's the kind of dedication I would expect in Lexington, and nowhere else. 

Other evidence that BBN likes the Windy City? The evening of the UK-UNC game, I was at a random bar in Chicago. Across the room, I made eye contact with a guy wearing a UK sweatshirt. Three goggles were exchanged, leading to a shared bourbon shot and a recap of the day's glory. If that's not magic, I don't know what is. UL fans would have just sized up each other's flat bills and continued sipping Crown Royale from their respective corners.

Oh, and speaking of the three goggles- they are rapidly becoming one of my go-to barometers for judging potential Chicago friends. I decided I liked the DJ at my New Year's Eve party because he obligingly threw up the three goggles. Potential dance partners that night were considered based on if they would perform the gesture. Other ways I know I can be friends with someone in Chicago? If we can have a heart-to-heart about where we were during that one game in 1992; if we share similar concerns about the health of MKG's mom; and if we can coordinate a victory dance routine integrating the John Wall and the Wobble.


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Of course, every now and then my transplanted UK fandom hits a road bump. There have been several times I've been on the subway in a UK t-shirt, only to have some nasally-accented smart-mouth cheekily inform me that Calipari is a cheater or that Terrence Jones is way overrated. Luckily, years of living in Lexington have given me more informed rebuttals than Calipari has favorite Orange Leaf toppings. 

Kristen Geil says SHUT UP.

Also, after spending nearly six months in Chicago, I'm a little disappointed that UK doesn't play more away games in the area. Considering that Calipari has a solid recruiting history in the city and a close relationship with Bulls' player Derrick Rose, I'd expect him to schedule a game at the United Center's  "Madhouse on Madison." I have no doubt that our fans would love a road trip to Chicago and would fill the arena for the occassion. So Jay-Z and Drake have been to Lexington? I bet you anything Kanye West would come to a UK game in Chicago, if for no other reason than to one-up HOVA. Not to mention, NBA scouts would love it as well. 

So, even though I have pledged to myself I will quit real life for a week and return to Lexington if (when) UK gets to the Final Four this year, being temporarily separated from the madness isn't as bad as I expected. In fact, being passionate about UK basketball has helped me adjust to life in Chicago while greatly increasing my appreciation for my hometown. For the next year and a half I live here, I will consider myself UK's Official Ambassador to Chicago, and wear my UK gear with pride. If you happen to be in the city and spot me on the street, throw up your three goggles and we'll bond. See you in March, Lexington. 


Karaoke Got Weird

Posted by Kristen Geil on December 22, 2011 at 1:40 AM Comments comments (0)

Remember when I had an imaginary twin that wrote in my diary? That was weird. Remember when Ally worked at Eastern State and a patient told her that she wished Ally would have dinosaur babies? That was weird too. But Monday Night Karaoke- Holiday Edition, topped all of that weirdness, and then some.

This MNK rendezvouz had been weeks in the making. Ally and I wanted our families to meet and create a mega-family, and MNK seemed like the perfect meeting point. On the drive over to Chinoe Pub, we passed a lone pedestrian wearing a Santa hat and a dress. Little did we know, it was our good friend Amy tromping over to join us at MNK. That's dedication.

Basically, this night can be broken up into Family Time and Weird Time.


We arrived around 8 pm to claim our tables and have a drink and snacks before. Eva, our frosty-turned-friendly bartender, greeted me with alternating excitement and admonishment for not showing up for a few months. I told her I had moved to Chicago, but that didn't seem to be a sufficient reason for her. She also informed us that we had missed the Chinoe Pub holiday party, which had been held the night before and featured "free everything!" We are forever regretful that we missed it. Next year, folks. Next year. We were saddened to hear that Kenny McKenny hadn't shown up for a few weeks. In fact, Eva informed us that the next day, they were going to call him and make sure he was okay. Keep him in your thoughts, guys.

The DJ showed up and brought out the books, and with that, there was a flurry of napkin-writing and songsheet flipping to sign up for our favorites. Ally started the night off correctly with her go-to number "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Always the crowd pleaser, parents and sisters alike were delighted by her enthusiastic sound effects. I jumped in with the Full House Theme Song, which I am starting to believe is my signature number- I don't hate it.

Immediately afterwards, however, we came down from our karaoke high after being forced to hear a horrible rendition of Katy Perry's Hot N Cold. I mean it. It was probably the WORST karaoke song I have ever experienced, and this includes Sarah McLeod and "Benny and the Jets." This woman simply could not carry a tune, and often resorted to spoken-word karaoke rather than singing. My ears died a little bit.

Luckily, Ally and her sister, Colleen, stepped back up to the plate with a sister duet- "We Belong." My sister and I counteracted with Shania Twain's "Man, I Feel Like A Woman," a song that held many childhood memories for us. It's hard to say which Sister Act came out on top, but it's actually probably irrelevant, because Amy and I followed it up with the crowd favorite of "Camel Toe." It made my mother cry, and I'm not sure I'm proud of that. We were a little out of practice and found ourselves giggling through much of the lyrics, but the crowd was into it and we got a solid round of applause at the end. 

Colleen sang the Lisa Loeb one-hit wonder "Stay," showing off her karaoke chops that have made her famous in the Louisville karaoke scene. Her fiance, Ty, however, stole the show with his performance of LL Cool J's "Mama Said Knock You Out." Ty rapped with gusto, using some strange accent that I can't place and slightly threatening hand gestures, even going so far as to point directly at the DJ while saying "MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT!" It was the surprise hit of the night, seconded only by perhaps me and Ally's moms teaming up to sing "Barbara Ann" with each other. Precious moments, precious dance moves, precious everything. Way to go moms!

By that time, Ally's family was looking to head home to Louisville, so Ally closed their night out by serenading her parents with Josh Groban's "You Raise Me Up" while they slow-danced on the dance floor. They might have cried, making my "Camel Toe" performance even more despicable. Thanks, Tucker. 

Other performances included me and Rachel singing "All Star," Sarah and I singing "Independent Woman," Ally and I singing "Dilemma," and Amy and Ally singing Meredith's Brooks "Bitch." Demetri showed up and sang a slow jam, serenading my sister and my mom. Every so often he changed up the lyrics, interjecting "Don't do pills!" at random places- good advice for the ages, I suppose, but overall Demetri behaved himself. Family Night and Weird started to overlap when Ally and I sang the Bon Jovi classic "Living on a Prayer" while a blonde woman stripped on the dance floor. As in, danced provocatively by herself and lifted up her sweater to flash our table. At that point, my mom and my sister left- probably for the better- and the night became full on weird. 





Honestly, it's hard to even know how to describe this part of the night. Ally and Sarah sang Little Drummer Boy, which was maybe not the best choice of karaoke song, but apparently our blonde friend thought so because she flashed her G-string, complete with charms on it (didn't know those existed). 

However, I think weird time actually started when a band of frat bros came in to celebrate a few birthdays. They rushed the bar and in their excitement, accidentally drank a pitcher that appeared abandoned on a booth table (the patrons were actually just outside smoking- an honest mistake by the bros). Well, the DJ was not amused, and she called them out over the microphone, yelling at them to "MAKE IT RIGHT!" which they did. Soon after, however, a bro spilled beer on the dance floor and didn't clean it up. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think this happens often at bars. I guess the DJ had never seen that behavior before though, because she interrupted Sarah and Ally's "WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS" to again yell into the microphone, proclaiming "THIS IS OUR HOUSE AND DON'T YOU DISRESPECT IT!" while having someone bring the poor guy a mop to clean up his mess. It was simultaneously uncomfortable and hilarious. I still can't believe the DJ had the nerve to interrupt Sarah and Ally's hit song. 

One of the bros signed up to rap Jay Z's "Give It To Me," which, if you've never heard it before, has slightly raunchy lyrics. Well, ol' DJ gave them the dirty eye every time they didn't bleep out any bad words. Demetri asked me to dance, and we had the pleasure of dancing next to a girl a lot drunker than anyone else grinding up on the bro who was rapping. I said to Demetri, "I'm not going to dance like that." Unexpectedly, he responded "Girl I know. I know a lady when I see one." At the end of the dance, he kissed me on the cheek and inquired about how my graduate program was going up in Chicago. What a gentleman! Sarah and Jeremy sang Summer Loving, with the parts switched so that Sarah was the guy and Jeremy was the girl- always fun.

After we parted ways on the dance floor, Demetri headed up to the stage to sing "Man in the Mirror" by Michael Jackson. We were apprehensive about this because Man in the Mirror is a trickier karaoke song than one might think. Demetri nailed it. The whole bar was up and dancing, singing our hearts out, and I can honestly say I felt united with Chinoe Pub's patrons. A kindred spirit was in the air, and it was magical. Thank you, Demetri.

We were about to leave, when I realized that I had one more song coming up. It was one of my favorite karaoke songs- "Bust A Move" by Young MC. I hate to brag, but it really got the crowd up on its feet. Everyone was dancing and singing along, but perhaps my favorite visual was Ally dancing with one of the bros. When I say dancing, I mean old school, waltzy, classic dancing. The boy kept yelling at her, "JUST LET ME LEAD!" while Ally would respond "I don't know what I'm doing!" with a bewildered look on her face. 

The night ended with Sarah singing "Genie in a Bottle," and a bro closing down the bar with "Stronger" by Kanye West, with some freestyle verses thrown in there. It was a sight to see, and I honestly do not feel like I have done the weirdness justice in this blog entry. For that, I apologize, but you just need to see it in person. Monday Night Karaoke > Monday Night Football, or anything else. Come one, come all. 

Tucker's Tales Christmas Letter

Posted by Kristen Geil on December 22, 2011 at 12:35 AM Comments comments (0)

Dear Friends, Family, Anonymous Blog Readers, and Kevin Bacon,

Well, our first year on the blog has flown by, and we have to say we have been pleasantly surprised by our loyal readership and fan feedback. I can't tell you how many times I have been in a random place in Lexington, only to have a friend or acquantaince come up to me and comment on how funny our blog is. We love you guys too!

(Can't plug the website Watch the Cradle enough, y'all). 

Anyway, we figured the holidays were a perfect time to recap the year. One of our favorite things about Christmas cards are the "family update" letters we get in the mail- you know, the ones that take even the most awkward news and spin it into Christmas card-appropriate (ex: At the old age of 22, Stevie is no longer single! He has met a lovely woman 23 years his senior and is now teaching her 16 year old how to drive- but not on his car of course!). As my little sister so wisely put it last night, "Live a life worthy of the Christmas letter." 

Our little blog started off slowly on January 2nd, as a result of Ally Tucker's New Year's Resolution. Within a few weeks, we had way more readers than we expected readers, many of whom found us through some of the most random searches possible (i.e., "snooki geil").

So what have the past twelve months brought for Tucker's Tales? Well, obviously, it was The Year of the Commoner, a theme that was introduced to us from a commentator on the Royal Wedding and that we have embraced wholeheartedly ever since. For example, in March, Kristen went on her senior spring break and entered a mechanical bull-riding contest (cliche, right?) A couple of weeks later, multiple texts and facebook messages informed her that she had been featured on the Travel Channel's special " Florida Spring Break Fever." 

Another example of this being the Commoner's year was one week when the blog caught the attention of a local Lexington sportscaster, Mary Jo Perino. She tweeted about us pretty regularly for awhile there, so much so that we featured her in our Celebrity Survivor game (sorry for never finishing that guys...).

Oh, and you guys may remember back in April when a young man from Missouri, with a heart of gold and shorts of denim, won the hearts of America with his blue-collar work ethic and rags-to-riches story. That's right, we're talking about Josh "Jorts" Harrellson. 

Jorts was in many ways the emotional backbone of the Final Four team for UK, and he is the Commoner personified. This has continued to be a theme in his life even after graduation from UK- he got drafted by the New York Knicks and is slowly but surely becoming a beloved figure in NYC. He is, in his own words, "a never-ending waterfall of fun," and definitely deserves his own reality show (much like Turtleman, another beloved KY figure who got his own show on Animal Planet this year). Way to go, Jorts!

Karaoke is, without a doubt, a commoner's activity- and boy, did we embrace that this year. It became our go-to Monday night activity. Countless versions of Camel Toe, Living on a Prayer, The Lion Sleeps Tonight, and the Full House Theme Song have brought us closer with the patrons of Chinoe Pub, the bar of choice of the Commoners. Not convinced? Search "Karaoke" in our blogs and read our recaps. It's something everyone should experience once in their life. 

After a summer filled with tennis-playin days and karaoke nights, Kristen and Ally were forced to separate when Kristen packed up her cowgirl boots and moved to Chicago. She has spent the fall going to graduate school for Professional Writing (and yes, that is as vague of a career path as it sounds) and working jobs at Sprinkles Cupcakes and J Crew. We remained in touch through constant texting, facebooking, tweeting, hey-telling, and real phone calls. Also through Kristen's little sister Rachel, who texts Ally just as often as I do now. Back in Lexington, Ally has maintained a busy schedule filled with working at a local high school, coaching soccer, and texting Kristen updates from UK games when Kristen can't watch. While the move has been difficult for all involved, we think that it's made Kristen appreciate Kentucky even more (Cats fans are still aplenty in Chicago, thank God) and forced her to consider what is really important in her life. Namely, warm weather. Oh, and there's an off-chance that Kristen's upcoming summer nannying job will help her meet Oprah and/or her first husband. So there's that to look forward to. Also, Kristen cannot WAIT until Ally gets an iPhone so we can communicate solely through Emojis. 

So, to summarize: 2011- Year of the Commoner. The theme for 2012 (besides the already-cliche "Year of the Apocalpyse")? I guess it's too early to decide, but we're pushing for BOUNCE BACK- Coach Cal will have it no other way. 

Thanks for reading, friends. We love you guys and appreciate your support of the blog!


Love, Kristen and Ally

UNDERPANTS! -Late Night Confession

Posted by Kristen Geil on December 12, 2011 at 6:35 PM Comments comments (0)

Hey there Ursher, long time no see. 

I suppose my prelude confession should be that we have been slacking on blogging lately. Sorry, fans.

On to the good stuff. This is a true life story that happened to me last month. We all knew that moving to the big city would invite new, amusing hijinks into my already ridiculous life. However, I must admit this one took me by surprise. 

It started off innocently enough. This October, I had one week where I was the most scatterbrained I have ever been in my entire life. I lost my wallet in a taxi, I lost a $20 bill out of my pocket on the street, and I left my phone in my locker at work one night. Upon realizing this last one, I made the decision to go for an early run to my place of employment, figuring I would kill two birds with one stone by A) jump-starting my metabolism early in the morning, and B) getting my phone back. 

You know that saying- the best laid plans of mice and men? Yup. Totally true. 

It was pretty early when I went to get my phone, and still chilly outside, which prompted my fatal mistake- grabbing a sweatshirt to wear on my way out the door. People, I NEVER run or work out in long sleeves or sweatshirts unless it's FREEZING. I hate it. I think it's uncomfortable and you get way too sweaty and it's annoying to carry your extra article of clothing around after you inevitably decide to discard it. It just doesn't work for me. 

But it was early. And I was cold. And I was only going to be running for about 15 minutes total. So, I grabbed an old Delta sweatshirt that I hadn't worn in a hot minute from the back of my closet. In fact, I don't think I had worn it since I moved to Chicago. This becomes relevant later on.

I left my apartment and started jogging towards work. I live in downtown Chicago, the nice area right off Michigan Avenue known as "Gold Coast" neighborhood. My route took me past posh apartment buildings, designer clothing boutiques, and just general wealth (sorry if that sounds douchey, but it's true). There weren't very many people out yet, but the dog walkers were up and walking.

This is not an exaggeration.

About a block from work, I felt it. Something was moving around inside my sweatshirt. I ignored it, figured the sweatshirt had gotten bunched up in all my moving and shaking. I was wrong. Right in the middle of a rousing chorus of "Living On A Prayer," amongst all the wealth and class and glamour, I had the odd sensation that something had fallen out of my sweatshirt. Baffled, I stopped my stride to turn around and walk back a few steps to investigate, and there they were in the middle of the sidewalk.

That's right, underpants. I was immediately mortified. MORTIFIED. I did the glance-around, and honestly I don't think anyone saw me. So I did the unthinkable, the only thing that made sense in the moment- I sprinted the hell away.

Usain Bolt had NOTHING on me in that moment. 

I made it to work, retrieved my phone, and went home the same way I came- because I have no shame and because I was still in a confused daze about what had just happened. Upon passing the underwear on the street, I had an even more horrific realization.

That wasn't my underwear. I had never seen that underwear before in my life. It was mystery underwear. 

I've had plenty of time to ruminate since this incident, and I have only been able to come up with one possible explanation. It was my sister's fault.

But seriously. I had been living at home the last time that sweatshirt had been washed, and Rachel and I throw our laundry in together every so often. I have a bad habit of forgetting to use a dryer sheet, so most of my clothes are static-y and stuck together. It's completely conceivable that The Prodigy's underwear got stuck in the folds of my sweatshirt and went unnoticed for weeks. Because I SWEAR, that WAS NOT my underwear on that sidewalk.

And for all those wondering, I have no idea what happened to the underwear. I walked by the scene of the crime a few days later, and it was gone. Although I am deeply ashamed that I left it there for a city cleaner or a homeless person to deal with, I do take solace in the fact that the underwear was at least clean.

That's my late night confession- one of the most embarrassing moments in recent history. As always, Usher, let's keep this between us- pillow talk. 

Love, Kristen

What Would You Do?

Posted by Kristen Geil on November 30, 2011 at 1:15 PM Comments comments (1)

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With the UK-UNC basketball game coming up on Saturday, there's only one question on our minds: Assuming you aren't one of the privileged 25,000, what would you do to attend that game?

Luckily, I have plenty of answers. If you have extra tickets, a way to get me from Chicago to Lexington by Saturday, and want to see me complete one of these ridiculous tasks- Holla.

I would... name my first born child (girl or boy) Doron Terrence.

I would... wear a Nickelback t-shirt to the game (as long as it's royal blue)

I would... eat a McRib sandwich (a tall order for a vegetarian).

I would... get a teardrop tattoo somewhere semi-visible with the date of the Laettner incident underneath.

I would... attend the game with a visible camel toe the entire time.

I would... live with Becky Goncharoff again for a year.

In happier times.

I would... get a cat. Maybe even two.

But still probably mildly abuse it.

I would... adopt the Griffin twins.

I would... ask Matt Walsh out, via MySpace.

I would... try out for the WNBA.

I would... be a groupie for Lord of the Dance.

I would... watch the movies Glitter and Gigli back to back.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO? Let us know in the comments or on Twitter!

things i'm thankful for

Posted by Kristen Geil on November 24, 2011 at 7:00 PM Comments comments (0)

A quick and dirty list of things I am thankful for today:

-My "monday" playlist on my iPod- full of songs that get my psyched for the day ahead (featuring the styles of Beyonce, Billy Ocean, and of course DMX)

-Parks and Recreation

-A family who sends me a Thanksgiving sweets tower and christmas sweaters for Thanksgiving presents

-The worst thing that has happened to me in the city has been losing my wallet through my own dumb fault- could be a lot worse

-Even though I complain about being a poor grad student, I'm better off than 95% of the world and my fridge is always semi-full

-I have a best friend who texts me pictures of her animals daily

-I have a roommate who loves to bake and sew and introduced me to Jimmy Fallon late night; also that her family is here today and cooking us thanksgiving dinner

-I have finally figured out the perfect coffee to water ratio in my coffee machine

-I have never seen Twilight movies

-I survived- no THRIVED- my senior spring and "long hair don't care" has become a legitimate life motto

-UK basketball

-The national dog show on television today (I MISS MY DOGS)

-That my dad has a brand-new knee and is doing great with physical therapy


-My little sister is an awkward dancer and can't really sing- since it's the only things she is NOT good at and therefore I can feel better about myself because we all know how good of a singer/dancer I am



-I do not have a child

-I am not pregnant

-I have a doorman who gives me fine jewelry

-That I have Ally Tucker as a friend who let me jump on this blog and introduced me to the wonders of Monday Night Karaoke, birthday scavenger hunts, Twitter, texting games that only we understand, and basically been my same sense of humor soulmate.

You might even say I'm as thankful to have Ally as a friend as Joker Phillips is thankful to still have his job. Or as thankful as Kim Kardashian is that the wedding check cleared BEFORE the divorce papers were signed. Or as thankful as America is that stores are staying open ON THANKSGIVING so that they can go straight from the dinner table to the deal racks??? Oh, America. Truly nothing like it.

Ally's Quick List of Dirty Things She's Thankful For (or something like that...)

I couldn't let Kristen have all the fun... I'll add my 2 cents. In no particular order...

- Holiday Reese Products (yes, any and all of them)

- Kentucky Basketball (word, Kristen)

- The fact that I spend every Thanksgiving with my cousins in Tennesse...and we are all 20 + years of age...and we all still spend each night of the long weekend sleeping together sleepover style in the middle of the living room floor...and that we still sit at the "kids table"...and that we have a tradition where we each go around right before we eat dinner & say what we are thankful for...and that us kids always find a way to "pull one over on the adults" with something ridiculous....for example, this year: We each went around and said that we were thankful for one of the Kardashians. I got Rob. I wanted Khloe, or baby Mason.

- The fact that phones now have the capability for you to set 3 alarms, instead of just 1. 

(Okay, clearly my phone is slacking because this one has 5....I need that phone , hint hint, Mom...Christmas)

- Kenny McKenny from Monday NIght Karaoke

-Hallye Griffin texting me everyday to update me on Brad Calipari (yes, John Calipari's 15 yr old son's) and his girlfriend, Maddie, who she follows (both of them) religiously on Twitter. "I think Brad & Maddie are in a fight."

- The fact that my Mom is NOT a "Twi-Mom"

- Billy Gillispie....Because without Billy G, we would not have John Calipari. And we would not have this picture....

-My Family...#LaFamilia

-The fact that I genuinely LOVE my job. I work with the greatest, most kind-hearted kids in the whole world. I've actually been lucky to have 2 great jobs back to back...both of which allowed me to meet the most interesting people and leave every day knowing that I was able to "laugh" and "smile" at my job. What a blessing. 

-Jay BIlas' "I gotta go to work" tweets. Now that I have tried to follow in his footsteps, every morning when I have to get up and go to work...it's just a little bit easier because I always look forward to finding the perfect rap lyric to proceed the 5 words "I gotta go to work"

- The fact that Jay Bilas went to Duke...because if he hadn't, I might devote my whole life to stalking him & trying to make him my baby daddy.

- TuckersTales.Com (check it out...do it)

-TuckersTales.net   and the fact that you all take the time to stop by and read it. 

- That I have Kristen Geil as a friend who jumped head first into this blog thing with me. We've giggled our way through the (almost) year we've been doing it. I'm so grateful that she's been such a big part of it. I'm also thankful that she makes me jealous every other day by sending me pictures of her amazing meals she makes, and plays tennis with me even when it's 100 degrees outside, posts obscure websites and youtube videos on my Facebook wall, has ballin' family members like PG (Twitter Queen) and RGeil (starting sweeper for my Life Team anyday) and finally (as she put so eloquently) that she is my sense of humor soulmate. 

You might even say I'm as thankful to have Kristen as a friend as John Calipari is that he can always use the "Television adds 10 pounds" excuse. Or as thankful as Doron Lamb is that Terrence Jones went back to pick up his 3 goggles that he left at Two Keys at 2 a.m. a few weeks ago. Or as thankful as Rizzo from Grease was when she found out that it was "just a false alarm" with Kinecke. Or as thankful as I am that Brandon Daulton pulls his weight by guest blogging on a regular basis......oh wait...

TREAT YO SELF: Consumer's Report 11/22/11

Posted by Kristen Geil on November 23, 2011 at 12:55 AM Comments comments (0)

It's been awhile since our last consumer's report, but with the holiday season fast approaching, I figured it was time to start the topic rolling again. However, I am of the firm belief that you need to treat yo' self before you can properly buy gifts for other people. You know how in airplane safety videos, they always tell you to put on your oxygen mask before you take care of the little kid next to you? Yeah, it's like that. Buy things you want for yourself first, and then get the second-best options for all your friends and family.

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So with that angle in mind, here are the things I am treating myself to this holiday season. 

Breaking Bad

I'll admit, as with most things, I am late jumping on this bandwagon. A middle aged man from the Southwest making meth to support his family? Wasn't that basically the plot of Weeds but without Mary Louise Parker being the kingpin hottie? My dad tried to explain why the show was so great, but I was still indifferent. 

However, one Sunday afternoon while wallowing in the misery of losing my wallet the night before, I spent the entire day watching Netflix on my couch. Parks and Rec Season 3 ran out, so on a whim I watched the first episode of Breaking Bad.

But I just wasn't that into it.

Troubled at the thought that I was immune to quality television, I asked a few friends, who reassured me that the season started slow but around the time Walt (the main character) shaves his head, "shit starts getting real." Three weeks and 27 episodes later, I can safely say I get it. Besides the obvious action and adventure associated with making and selling meth (ever seen a decapitated head on a tortoise?), the characters are compelling in asshole-ish ways- I just want to smack them a lot of the time. Breaking Bad is a frustrating, gasp-inducing series, and I urge you to join me on the bandwagon.

Still, the fact that the main character reminds me of my dad creeps me the eff out. Jack Geil, seemingly mild-mannered, but really a secret meth cook and hard ass? I can totally see it. 

Childish Gambino

This advocation comes from a tip I got on Tumblr, saying that if I liked hip hop at all (which I do, a lot), I should check out Childish Gambino. It's a Pandora station well worth your time, folks. 

Wait, you may be thinking. That nerd looks familiar. That's because he's actor Donald Glover, from the NBC Thursday night comedy Community. I'll be honest, I don't watch the show- is it worth a view?- but I believe Glover is going to be infinitely more successful as Childish Gambino (a name he found through a Wu-Tang Clan Name generator- how awesome is that?) He's similar to Kid Cudi, Lupe Fiasco, and Mac Miller, but his voice is definitely more unique- a little cracked, like he's still going through puberty (it's not annoying, I swear). His beats and instruments have a tangibly heavy feel to them. While his early mix tapes relied on traditional rap cliches (girls, booze, and cars), he's graduated to more personal subject matter like alcoholism and heartbreak. His latest CD, Camp, came out November 15, and it's definitely worth the legit download on iTunes. 

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I chose to feature this song just for Ally Tucker and the fact that I know she will appreciate the line  "You can kiss my ass... human centipede."

Cookies within Cookies

The ultimate in treat yo'self decadence... cookies within cookies. It's exactly what it sounds like. Simply use a muffins tin and stuff cookie dough in the bottom of each cup (you may want to line each part with cupcake liners for easier exit). Then in the middle section, place the already baked cookie of your choice- I prefer Oreos or Peanut Butter Patties. Then top it off with another layer of cookie dough. Bake, pair with a cold glass of milk, and eat on the couch with your pants unzipped, and TREAT YO SELF. If you're feeling extra nice, bake some for your friends and family and treat them too.

Watch the Cradle blog


Ever wonder what it would look like if someone used pictures of babies to illustrate lyrics from Watch the Throne? Yeah, me too. Luckily this blog has surfaced to answer any and all questions of what a baby dressed as a lobster would say if they were in a rap video. Bonus points for the Full House reference. 

Side note: I love the Internet and the way it immediately hops on any pop culture band wagon to form some obscure, niche blog that will only be hilarious for about two months but is amazing nonetheless. Another favorite of mine: animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com. God bless you, Internet. 

Now THAT'S What I Call Kentucky Basketball!

Posted by Kristen Geil on November 19, 2011 at 12:40 AM Comments comments (0)

Because I really enjoy making playlists, mix CDs, and lists in general, I've decided to put my day off to good use and create the ultimate mix CD defining UK basketball this season. I don't think it requires much more introduction than that. 

1. All I Do Is Win- self explanatory. One of my favorite moments from the season last year was going to a game with my mom and having her join in when the eRUPPtion zone's "hands go UP... and they stay there."

Wait, just remembered a better moment- when UK beat UNC to go to the Final Four and Tin Roof erupted in a beer shower while playing this song. Did I dance on a bartop? I can neither confirm nor deny.

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2. Coming Home- I think half of Lexington is with me when I say I teared up during this song at the Dominican Republic-Kentucky Pros game. Tayshaun Prince, if I recall correctly, was crying too. The most precious, sentimental player introduction of all time. 

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3. Ice Cream Paint Job- Was there ever a more iconic moment than when John Wall was introduced to BBN with his signature dance move? I have John Walled in numerous locations all over the globe, and each time I have had someone come up to me and strike up a conversation about basketball. John Wall is the key to world peace.

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4. I'm a King- AKA The Anthem of John Calipari. "I'm a king - top topic of all of your magazines. I'm a king - head of the body, leader of the team. I'm a king - remember I can get your block knocked off. I'm a king - a Bentley coupe with the top chopped off. I'm a king - I'm connectin nationwide but in the South. I'm a king - just respect it and keep my name out'cha mouth."

I can't help but wonder if TI wrote this song especially for Cal. 

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5. N***** in Paris- Ball so hard, NCAA wants to fine us. Also used in player introductions.

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6. Right Above It- "Wildcat offense, check the paw prints"

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7. On to the Next One- For tournament time.

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8. Move, B****- Because I have this poster staring at me in the face...

and I'm scared the UK women's basketball team is going to beat me up if I don't include them.

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9. Man of Constant Sorrow- Does this song better apply to Billy Gillespie or Joker Phillips? I can't decide...

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10. Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)- The anthem of the newfound White Boy Academy.

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Who are these fine young men? The Caucasian Sensations of the men's basketball team, masters of trick shots and all around heartbreakers. Watch these videos and see if you don't agree.

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11. Baby- Jared Polson's personal theme song. Sweet baby Polson.

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12. I Love Trash- Besides the uncanny resemblance and hankering for unibrows, Anthony Davis and Oscar share a love for trash. Although in Davis's case, he prefers to keep the garbage away from the rim. Ba-doom-cchh.

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Other suggestions? Let us know in the comments section! Please note, however, that I purposefully did not include Terrence Jones and his Teach Me Bout Kentucky song. I think we can all agree he doesn't need to quit his day job.