Tucker's Tales


Tucker's Tales Fans Want Recruiting News

Posted by Ally Tucker on April 30, 2012 at 10:30 PM Comments comments (3)

Remember us? We have taken a hiatus from Tucker's Tales for the past few months due to a new gig with KSR College. The time has come though to kick start Tucker's Tales once again with the addition of some fresh blood. Our 2012 recruiting class includes two of the top blogging prospects in the country county. 

TARA BILBY  5'7, 5'8, 5'9? pretty tall   Berea, Ky  

Tara Bilby first caught the eye of the Tucker's Tales recruiting gurus with her clever/witty work on KSR College. Bilby was actually very pro-active in her recruitment though, reaching out to Tucker's Tales a few weeks ago to proclaim her interest in the position. Though Bilby has verbally committed to Tucker's Tales, we are still waiting on her to fax her letter of intent. 

Strengths: Impeccable 3-goggle form, knows when to bold em' and when to fold em' in her blog entries, fromances on Twitter, knows every word to the song "The Motto," group texting, white blazers, typing 10 page papers in backseats on the way to New Orleans, her grandma and grandpa etc. 

Weaknesses: Low volume on podcasts, cordial interaction with Mississippi State fans, guys with fatheads, doesn't believe that Rose did anything wrong by not giving a more valiant effort to let Jack share the door with her at the end of Titanic, inability to accept Twitter After Dark, GPS devices, lack of knowledge of Simon Birch, finger piercings, etc. 

HAYLEY MINOGUE    5'7, 5'8, 5'9? Damn, she's pretty tall too...    Doesn't Exist, Ky

Hayley Minogue, like Bilby, also first caught the attention of Tucker's Tales while blogging for KSR College. Hayley has a quirky sense of humor, cleverly sprinkled with the occasional hashtag. Hayley is still a bit reluctant to pull the trigger and make her commitment to Tucker's Tales. She will decide tomorrow via Twitter, probably after school. Expect Head Coach Ally Tucker and Assistant Coach Kristen Geil to put on the full court press with the recruitment process tonight. We will likely exceed the legal number of alloted text messages allowed in the recruiting process. Screw you, NCAA Freewebs.com. We don't care about your rules. 

Strengths:  Loyalty to the Big Mac, emojies, tested negative for #L1C4, Twitter, her Boyfriend, her other boyfriend Elroy, her other boyfriend Brad, her other boyfriend Nerlens, Dizzy Bat, ability to creepily lurk in the background of Wilder Eyes pictures, stomps the yard, etc.

Weaknesses:  Volunteers to make t-shirts but never follows through, casting calls, Twitter, dates a Louisville fan, confusing e-mail address, doesn't know who Rebecca Lobo is, use of caller ID, starts Twitter wars with U of L fans, shares a last name with Kylie Minogue, etc. 

Tucker's Tales Final Thoughts on the Bilby/Minogue Package: Both writers would be fine additions to the Tucker's Tales Staff. They have already proven themselves to be reliable bloggers, while also being two of the funniest/most clever/wittiest girls I've ever met. They have a knack for when to tweet, when to retweet and when to eat meat (never for Tara, after 2 a.m. for Hayley). Tara is also the only writer to ever have her post directly referenced to me by Stone Cold Willow. 

In all honesty, I have gotten to know these two girls through the KSR College #LaFamilia over the course of the past few months and my life has been better every day since. They are both a constant source of entertainment, hard work and friendship. I am pleased to announce that both will be interning here for us on TuckersTales.net. Please join me in giving them a warm welcome. 

P.s. Tara and Hayley, you might want to add "TT" to the end of your twitter handles. Just sayin'...



Let's Re-Write the Social Norms

Posted by Ally Tucker on January 13, 2012 at 10:20 AM Comments comments (3)

Last week on Tucker's Tales, I made some bold predictions for 3 trends that I fear in the upcoming year of 2012. I got to thinking about predictions. Predictions are fun. I mean, who doesn't love when they get to experience that "Aha! I told you so!" moment after a previous prediction comes true? I know that I was very pleased with myself when I predicted that A'dia Mathies would score 34 points last night and hit a last second game-winner against Tennessee. I was also pleased with myself when I predicted that Katy Perry and Russell Brand would break up. I mean no one saw that one coming. 

As great as predictions are, do they necessarily accomplish anything? I tend to think that no, they do not. Instead of simply predicting trends in 2012, I've decided to take things to another level. 

I am going to attempt to make major changes to social norms in 2012. 

Quickly, let's re-visit a few of our most common social norms. 

Tipping your waitress/waiter 20% 

Answering the phone with the greeting "hello."

Hating on the University of Louisville. 

All of the aforementioned social norms are great. They've been around forever. I can certainly get on board with all of them.  The last one in fact is as easy as breathing. But as someone famously once said in a movie, or a book, or in an interview, "the only thing constant is change."

The time has come for some additions to our social norms. I'm not sure how I qualify to be the one to make these changes, but hey, how does Kris Humphries qualify as a human and not a robot?

Let's start with our vocabulary norms. There are certain words that have been deemed "taboo" socially. Curse words, for example, are avoided in certain situations because they are inappropriate or offensive. To be honest, curse words just aren't that offensive to me anymore. I would love to replace a few of the words on the "curse word" list with some new ones that I find offensive:

1) "Winning" -- I've alluded to it once before here on Tucker's Tales, but can we all please, please, please agree to stop saying this word in that obnoxious tone after we do something that we think is cool? Charlie Sheen's new found fame lasted for about a month. Why oh why has this catchword (is that a word?) continued to last?

2) "Swag/Swagger"--  Swagger stopped being swagger when my 91 year old  Grandpa used it to describe his pony tail. Enough said. 

3) "Honey Badger"-- No, I haven't watched the YouTube video. I've heard just enough about it to believe that it sounds completely idiotic. I'm not sure how or why LSU's uber-talented football player (no, I don't know his name...because I've never heard anyone use it) took on this nickname. I'm sure it started out as a nickname among teammates or perhaps local media in Louisiana. Nickname's are fun and occasionally referring to a player by that nickname during the course of daily conversation, or even further, during the course of a nationally televised broadcast is one thing. ONLY REFERRING TO A PLAYER BY HIS OR HER NICKNAME DURING THE ENTIRE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP, especially when you are a broadcaster in your late 40's/early 50's is flat out mind-boggling. Why was that okay? I'm serious. I'm so bothered. Does that kid not have a name? The nickname wasn't a play off of his name either. Why was he never called by his real name? I'm so angry. The next person to say Honey Badger in my presence will get a swift kick to the aorta. Try me. 

4) "Epic Fail" -- The first few times I heard this phrase used, especially when paired with a really funny
picture of someone being unsuccessful at something, I laughed. I never really jumped on the train though. As with anything, the phrase quickly became overused. Words like epic used to hold value. Words like epic used to be reserved for things/people/performances that were in a category with very few other things/people/performances. When epic is tagged with a picture of someone tripping up a flight of stairs, the things that actually are epic, lose all value. The word holds no weight anymore. Everyone has tripped up the stairs a time or two. If you are sitting here reading this and saying "I haven't," you are an epic liar. There's nothing epic about falling up a flight of stairs. Thanks for ruining a cool word, world. (Tongue twister)

So, now that we have officially put all of those words into the category of curse words, it's time to move on to changing another social norm.  

Let's make it a social norm that people cannot leave Voicemails that simply say "this is _(insert name of caller)____. Call me back."

I really dislike Voicemails. The reasons are threefold....

First, like the picture says, the icon in the corner of my phone irritates me. I have to check it as soon as I can so that icon will go away. My main problem though is that I am a bit of a technology hoarder. I don't delete text messages. I don't delete contacts. If I get a nice or funny voicemail or one that I worry I might need information from at a later point in time, I save it. At the time, it seems like a great idea. When I get a new Voicemail though, and 1 out of every 3 times I try to check it I have to go through and re-save every other old message before I can even get to the new one,  I want to scream. 

That brings me to my second point. If you are going to call someone and leave a voicemail that says (and I would say that 90% of voicemails say exactly this, and only this) "Hey this is ______. Call me back" let me save you the trouble--DON'T LEAVE A VOICEMAIL. It took me 5 minutes just to listen to your voicemail and by the time I heard it, I knew everything that I knew by the fact that you called me. We all have cell phones. Cell phones have caller ID. I know who you are. If you called me, I'm going to assume that you want me to call you back. Got it. Check. No need to hear all of that verbally. Say something of substance or send me a text. 

And finally, to my last point-- actually, I don't have a last point. I just really enjoy the phrase "the reasons are threefold" and wanted to use it. Carry on...

Can we find a way to make it so socially unacceptable to ask for a "Retweet" from someone that
people just stop doing it all together?

Honestly, to me, this one feels like a social norm to me already. I would feel way too uncomfortable and embarrassed to shamefully ask someone for a Retweet. I don't understand why people do it. I understand the logic behind trying to get someone who has more followers than you to send out something that you say, or a link to something you've created (i.e. I send Mary Jo Perino links to Tucker's Tales on the reg). That concept makes sense to me: wanting more people to see something that you've said or created/getting a new audience.  What I'm trying to eliminate is just sending a tweet to someone (usually a famous someone) and saying "Hey!! Can I get a retweet?" What's the point? You're not saying anything!

I think famous people on Twitter only promote this shameless activity when they actually do retweet people who ask for retweets. Why encourage this pointless activity? Does anyone ever see a retweet by a celebrity that they follow of a random person saying "hey can I get a retweet" and immediately think to themselves  I NEED TO FOLLOW THAT PERSON? No. No one ever sees a retweet and thinks that. Ever. The only thing that I think is, "I bet that person has those family member bumper stickers on the back of their car."

(Real picture from a real car that I saw in a real parking lot. Please don't say "epic fail" when you see this)

Okay guys...I honestly have a list of about 8-10 other social norms that I would like to change. I have a lot of ideas about things that should probably become socially unacceptable, and the sooner the better. I think I've ranted enough for one blog entry, so perhaps I will write another one tomorrow. Stay tuned!

Let's change the world we live in, Tucker's Tales readers/people who accidentally search for something else and find us!

Late Night Confession: ASPCA Hates Me

Posted by Ally Tucker on January 10, 2012 at 8:35 PM Comments comments (1)

Oh U(r)sher, no need to be shy or pensive. We've been here before. Next to my diary (oh wait, that's Kristen), you are the one who knows the most about me. We've been through a lot, Ush. Maybe not as much as you and Chili, but in lieu of how things turned out between the two of you-- I'd like to think you feel closer to me than her.

Anyway, it's been a while but I think  the time has come for another late night confession. I've got to be honest Ush, I'm more nervous about this confession than any before. I fear that you will pass judgment on me as a human being. With that said, if I can't tell you, than who can I tell?

Before anyone passes judgment, in my defense, I was only about 3 years old. Can any of us be held responsible for the things we did at the age of 3? If that were the case, I think it's fair to say we could all have reason to hate Suri Cruise for life for some of the ridiculous outfits she had worn by the age of 3. 

I digress. Before I go any further, let me just say this now: Sarah MacLachlan, I am so, so, so sorry....

I'm not sure exactly where the appropriate place to start this confession is, but I feel the need to provide an ounce of background information on my family's history with pets. Actually, I really just need to tell you about one particular event in our family's history of pets. Before I confess, let me confess something about my older sister Colleen. When she was about 3 years old (see a pattern here?), she and my parents found two box turtles somewhere in the mystic wild (probably a pond, let's be honest). For reasons I'm unsure of, they decided that keeping these turtles as pets would be a good idea. 

Some time shortly after the adoption of the two turtles into the family, my sister began a secret nightly routine that no one (my parents, who else does a 3 year old know?) knew about but her. Every night before going to bed, she would kiss the turtles goodnight. Box turtles are not known for being good kissers, but apparently they are known for carrying Salmonella. 

Poor little Colleen nearly died she became so sick (glad you made it sis!) from the Salmonella. And as an apparent lasting side effect from the illness, she has an aversion to milk. Fun fact! You're welcome, readers. 

Anyway, fast forward 3 years to my confession. 

When I was 3 years old, I was an accomplice pretty damn active participant in a serious crime against animals. I'm not proud. Oh no, I am not proud. But I like to be truthful with Usher and my readers. 

When I was 3 and my sister was probably 5 1/2, my parents decided it was time to try another pet after the whole turtle fiasco. They bought us two gerbils. 

Those gerbils look innocent and sweet, happy to be snuggling together. Our 2 gerbils must have tired of the snuggling because within a few short weeks, they were expecting!

My memory is vague, so I don't remember how long it was before our 2 gerbils brought Ivy Blue and the rest of the gerbil brood into the world, but soon enough--they had arrived!

Baby gerbils are cute. Baby gerbils are fragile. I repeat, baby gerbils are fragile. 

My parents, clearly remembering my sister's run in with the turtles, made it very clear to both of us that we were NOT TO TOUCH THE GERBILS! This message was sent very directly and very clearly to the both of us. We were not allowed to even open the cage. My parents were as serious about this rule as they could be. They explained to us that the gerbils were too fragile for us to play with until they grew older and stronger. We understood. 

But you know what else we understood? That for approximately 10 minutes every morning, my Mom was busy in the kitchen making us breakfast. We had exactly 10 minutes to sneak around in the living room and play with the baby gerbils without her really noticing. So what did we do? We played with the baby gerbils for 10 minutes in the morning, doing our best to convince my Mom that she had no reason to look in the living room to monitor us. I honestly don't know how we got away with it. 

One morning...shit got real. 

Did I mention that I'm really, really sorry, Sarah MacLachlan?

Honest to goodness, my sister and I were just trying to play with the baby gerbils. They were so stinking cute after all. And the fact that we were banned from playing with them only made us want to do it that much more! We were 3 and 5! We didn't know. We didn't know!!!

Baby gerbils are fragile. Very, very fragile. 

One of us picked one up by the middle and...well... let's just say we accidentally squeezed a little too hard. It was a tragic accident. I'm not sure that we were aware of what we had done though. We continued to play with the other gerbils, assuming that one was just lethargic. 

My memory is a little vague but we were either trying to play catch with one or...well hell, I don't know why else we would have been throwing gerbils. Anyway, we missed the target on one and it flew over onto the corner of the rocking chair bottom. Ivy Blue, as I like to think she was named, was split down the middle. 

Sometime minutes before the "Gerbil catch incident of '89," I had thought it would be a funny trick to put one of the gerbils in my Dad's shoe. How I didn't realize that this would end badly for the gerbil, and nauseating for my Dad, I will never know. I was 3! 

Anyway, after the gerbil hit the rocking chair...reality began to set in and we realized that we had accidentally and tragically killed one of our baby gerbils. We were a mixture of sad and embarrassed. We weren't sure what to do and we certainly did not want to get caught. 

Obviously it didn't take my parents very long to realize that some of the baby gerbils were missing from the cage. And when my Dad stepped on the one in his penny loafers (makes for a better story, yeah?), a moment I can only imagine he has tried to erase from his memory (sorry Dad!), the true damage had come to light. 

I cannot stress to you enough how innocent in nature the whole morning was. Regardless of intent, we Jeffrey Dahmer-ed a handful of baby gerbils.  

I am not sure I will ever be able to make amends for that tragic day, but I had to get it off my chest. RIP baby gerbils. Someday I will dedicate a book to you. No, seriously...I will. 

And again, Sarah MacClachlan...please believe me when I say that I am sorry. The experience from all those years ago certainly doesn't make your commercial any easier to stomach...

(Fair warning...)

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** TUCKER'S TALES Spoiler Alert ....  Our good friend Richmond has started a project where he produces podcasts. The Tucker's Tales duo of Kristen & Ally will be his first production. We will be recording a podcast in which we discuss all kinds of things (Tucker's Tales, our recent hiring on the KSR College staff, etc). We are recording this weekend and the podcast should be available soon after on Tucker's Tales for you to check it out. If it's any good, maybe we will do it on a regular basis. If it's terrible....we'll throw it in the pile of mistakes along with Celebrity Survivor. 

What Did You REALLY Mean By That?

Posted by Ally Tucker on January 8, 2012 at 1:20 PM Comments comments (0)

When you decide to play basketball for the University of Kentucky, your life becomes totally different from anyone else's. The spotlight is constantly on you. I'm not speaking from experience, of course. But I am speaking as someone who follows every Kentucky basketball player on Twitter, hoping to somehow get that extra ounce of insight as to what's going on in their lives, how they feel about the team, what kind of personality they have, what kind of J's they prefer to wear and whether or not they prefer the musical stylings of Wale or Drake. 

When I send a tweet out into the Tworld, approximately 200 people have the opportunity to see it and dissect it. To be fair, at least 50 of my followers are Twitter-bots, so let's shrink that number down to 150. Anyway, 150 people having access to my daily thoughts and musings feels like a lot. Then I think about the Kentucky basketball players and how they all have literally thousands of followers. Jon Hood, who has a torn ACL, poor taste in facial hair and hasn't ever been considered a "star" for Kentucky, recently reached the 10,000 follower mark (I know this because he tweeted a picture of the screenshot on his phone #HumbleBrag). Other more heralded players, such as Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, have over 40,000 followers. That means that every time they pick up their phone and send a tweet, that many people are exposed to whatever they type. 

Now, Kentucky basketball fans are some of the greatest and most passionate in the world. Along with that though, comes a level of interest and curiosity unlike any other fan base. When Kentucky walk-on Sam Malone tweets about liking Taylor Swift, the Big Blue Nation takes note. Sometimes this amount of exposure and access can cause some problems though. 

For example, this morning Darius Miller tweeted "Pocket full of money, parkin lot full of them haters."

Among other things, he should have spelled haters with a "z" instead of an "s" for more emphasis, but he also clearly worried some Kentucky fans into believing that he was unhappy and more than aware of the fan base's growing contempt with his average play on the basketball court. An hour after that first tweet, he sent out another:

"Haha, ya'll that's a song... I didn't mean anything by it."

Chances are that poor Darius was hounded by tons of his twitter followers asking him if he was okay or unhappy at Kentucky. I see this kind of twitter action from UK basketball players all the time. They have to send out reassuring tweets to fans to make sure they understand that the sky is not in fact falling. 

I would be lying if I didn't admit that when I saw Darius' tweet this morning, I thought for a moment that he might be alluding to the reaction of fans on radio shows and internet message boards across the state. I certainly didn't feel the need to check in with him about it though. I got to wondering though if these poor players receive that kind of worried response to every single thing they say. Perhaps people are over-analyzing their every move. 

I went back and looked at a few of the most recent tweets from our current Kentucky basketball players and tried to read them through 3 goggles the lens of an overly nervous fan.

(Editor's Note: All player's tweets are REAL. All worried fan response's are...more than likely real, but not proven as fact, yet). 

11:40 a.m. Michael Kidd-Gilchrist tweets TO Anthony Davis: "Love u bro"
11:45 a.m.  Anthony Davis responds to Michael Kidd-Gilchrist "love you too my SON"

**Worried fan response: "OMG, does Anthony Davis have a kid out of wedlock?"

January 3rd Doron Lamb tweets: "Goin to Freedom Hall now in Louisville"

**Worried fan response: "Doron Lamb is transferring to U of L"

January 3rd Anthony Davis retweets Doron Lamb's tweet

**Worried fan response: "Doron Lamb & Anthony Davis are offering themselves as a package deal to U of L."

December 11th Terrence Jones tweets: "Let my haters have they night last night buts still a lot of games my bros know that's all that matters I don't forget nothing"

**Worried fan response #1: Terrence Jones hates the fans
**Worried fan response #2: Terrence Jones is failing is English class & will be ineligible 
**Worried fan response #3: Terrence Jones seems to be in denial/worried he might have early onset Alzheimer's 


January 6th  Ryan Harrow tweets: "Catch me at the STOOP"
5 minutes later Ryan Harrow tweets: "Not guilty until proved"

**Worried fan response: Ryan Harrow does drugs. At the Stoop. That must be what the kid's are calling it these days


December 27th Sam Malone tweets: "Out of breath from stomping my foot on the ground trying to get my heal in the shoes without untying them."

**Worried fan response: Coach Cal isn't doing enough conditioning for the boys in practice. He needs to run em' all practice long. They also need to practice free throws more. 


December 24th  Sam Malone tweets: "#ThatAwkwardMomentWhen Your Jewish on Christmas."

**Worried fan response: Sam Malone supports Hitler. 


December 25h  Darius Miller tweets: "If the Heat keep playin like this it's over..."

**Worried fan response: Someone please go check on Darius Miller. He is suicidal. 


The moral of the story? Most of these players are 18-22 years old, although I think Eloy Vargas is old enough to be Brian Long's father (and he called him son once in a tweet, so....). These guys are going to say all kinds of things on their personal Twitter accounts. Clicking that follow button and being exposed to their thoughts is a choice. Obviously they are opening themselves up to some scrutiny and an audience by Tweeting things, but let's all remember that these players are probably NOT thinking about you and how Joe in Pikeville might interpret a song lyric that they like as a threat to quit the team. 

Relax people. Relax. 

3 Trends I Fear In 2012

Posted by Ally Tucker on January 5, 2012 at 4:20 PM Comments comments (5)

Hey, it's 2012!

Let's be honest, either the world is going to end or.....

That's what I'm here to discuss... the "or."

 It seems like each year has a theme. For example, last year was the "Year of the Commoner." If you are thinking to yourself, "but Time Magazine said it was the Year of the Protestor," worry not, they just mis-spelled commoner. 

Though I'm not quite sure what this year's theme will be just yet, I am fearful of certain trends becoming popular and widespread in 2012. When we look back upon a year, we can all probably admit there were some trends that we "soh" (shake our head) at. See, just there...I used one of the trends I'll be glad to see go from 2011. The saying "smh" (shake my head) took over the online world and texting world last year. Let's all quit shaking our heads in 2012 and spend more time using our heads to carry around things like books to impress people. While we're kicking 2011 trends to the curb, let's all also agree to stop saying "winning" in that annoying voice after doing something or saying something. Oh, and also, if I never heard the word swagger again, that would be okay too. 

(Dang! Look how cool she looks!)

(See? Overkill)

Now, as I said...on to the trends I fear in 2012....

Nooks Replacing Books

I am genuinely afraid that Nooks and other electronic reading options are going to be the death of books. Of course stories will still be written, novels and the like. But I am a bit of an old soul and I LOVE books. I love everything about them. I love flipping pages as I move through a story. I love folding down the page I stop on with a dog ear (even library books, shhhh!). I love reading a good book and then being able to just hand it to someone else and let them be the next person to enjoy reading it. There are few feelings better than adoring a book and then sharing it with someone else and watching them adore the book too. 

I get that a "Nook".......hold on one minute. Let me just rant here real quick: What a stupid freaking name! Nook? Nook?! That's not even creative. I don't know why but I hate the name almost as much as the concept. 

Okay, let me try that paragraph again...

I get that a "Nook" can be convenient in certain situations. If you are traveling for a long period of time and can't fit a bunch of books in your suitcase, the concept makes a little bit of sense. I get that some people think bookstores, especially the larger corporations, overcharge for books. I get that the Nook offers a cheaper option when you want to purchase a book. I also get the picture about what the future might look like thanks to these little iPad wannabes...

Bookstores are going to be almost non-existent soon. Some people think I am crazy for making a statement like that. I've seen it starting already though. Bookstores are closing here and there and the situation is eerily similar to one that happened a few years ago when movie rental stores began disappearing thanks to Redbox and Netflix. 

My Mom started an analogy club when I was in middle school. I joined it. Let me put together a little analogy for you. Nook is to Book as Netflix is to Blockbuster. Netflix is to Blockbuster as Video is to the Radio Star. And for those of you who listen to music, you know that Video killed the Radio Star. I fear that the Nook is going to kill the book. 

I pray that somehow this transformation from books to electronic reading somehow slows. I can't stomach losing an experience that I have loved for such a long time: Walking into a bookstore and browsing around, flipping through pages of books before deciding which one to buy and take home to read. 

You simply cannot convince me that reading a book on a small screen holds a candle to flipping through the pages of a book. 

Every Movie Ever Made Being Re-released in 3-D

(Okay, I might actually be a little excited to see Titanic in 3D)

First it was The Lion King. Now it's Titanic. What's next? Schindler's List? Yikes. No thanks. 

Seriously though, 3D is becoming such a popular way to see/make a movie. To this day, the only movie that I appreciated or felt needed the 3D technology was Avatar. That's it. The list begins and ends there. That movie was phenomenal and I'm not talking about the weak dialogue and story line. That movie was only phenomenal because of what it looked like. And I haven't seen anything similar since and I haven't seen anything before that movie that I thought to myself, "dang, give me that in 3D!"

I think the 3D experience is overrated. I don't like that my eyes feel a little sore the whole time I'm watching. I don't like that they try to make the glasses look hipster-friendly now with the thick rims. What happened to the old school red and blue lens 3D glasses? Now those, I could get behind. 

(3D of yesteryear)

(Hipster friendly 3D glasses...Boo!)

I realize that movie producers are going to continue to make new movies with the 3D option. I will simply pass on going to see those (and if you know me, I will see almost any movie). But what about all of the movies we loved or experienced years ago being re-made or re-released in 3D? I just don't see the point and I don't see the draw. The Lion King was not made better by adding 3D. I didn't even notice. The only cool part of the experience was experiencing the opening theme song ("Ahhhhhh savanyaaaaaaa!") once again on the big screen like I did when I was 7 the first time I saw it. 

Think about it though...what's next? Dirty Dancing in 3D? Can you imagine Baby's nose in 3D? WHOAH! And if they do Dirty Dancing will they also be inclined to do Dirty Dancing Havana Nights in 3D too? Oh boy! Other movies that are funny to think about being in 3D: Honey I Shrunk The Kids (would that kind of defeat the whole concept of the movie?), Airbud (I wanna see that dog dunk in 3D), Space Jam (Monstars in 3D!), Gigli (Because who doesn't want to see that movie again?), Jaws (Could be released during Shark Week), or Fern Gully (oh wait, that would be Avatar). 

Streaming Live Child Births On Facebook

Call me crazy, but are we that far off? Yesterday my Facebook news feed brought up a 34 week old baby's ultra sound picture. I thought I was going to throw up. First of all, the simulated picture of the baby's face that was waaaaaay too detailed was the creepiest thing I've ever seen. It looked more or less like this:

That's not cute. That's not endearing. That's creepy. That's a face only a mother could love....in a few more weeks when it comes out of her vagina and looks more like a human than an alien. 

The only thing worse than a teenager with Facebook who overshares their "emo" feelings via song lyrics is an adult mother who overshares her pregnancy experience on Facebook. It's one thing to put up pictures of your 1 month year old taking their first bath naked on Facebook. I used to think that was the worst thing I had ever seen. Now, those people are starting to look normal to me. Now my Facebook timeline is loaded with Mom's taking maternity pictures of their bare stomach. Uh, how is this any better than pornography? I don't want to see your naked body. I definitely don't want to see your pregnant naked body. Sorry I'm not sorry. I also don't need to hear about your morning sickness or constipation. Your husband doesn't want to hear it so you vent on Facebook. News flash: If the guy who pledged his life to you, in sickness and in health, doesn't want to hear about it...neither do we. 

I'm more and more surprised each day by what I see on Facebook. These new ultrasound pictures of the baby's progress week to week are the latest trend. So, am I crazy to think that a live feed video of a birth on Facebook is out of the question? God, I hope I am crazy to think that. But I'm not so sure. 

Twitter is so much better. 

One trend I hope to see make a comeback in 2012? Hand-written letters. Seriously....read about my "Breakfast Club" idea and join the movement. 

New Years Resolutions...Auld Lang Syne

Posted by Ally Tucker on January 2, 2012 at 12:55 AM Comments comments (0)

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To get in the spirit of reading this blog entry, please let the above song run and play as you read. By the way, who knew that they were saying "For Auld Lang Syne?" I swear I just now discovered that. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR Tucker's Tales readers! Stay tuned tomorrow for a special treat on the blog as we celebrate our 1 year anniversary. Please send all gifts to Kristen Geil in Chicago, for I have just recently cleaned out/thrown away/organized/donated to Goodwill 75% of the things I own (thanks, Mom) and have no room for the clutter. 

For some reason we as a society have convinced ourselves that the best time to "start anew" is on the first of every year. We may put off joining the YMCA for 3 months because even though the idea entered our mind in mid-fall, it will just be easier to start at the beginning of the year, right? Not wanting to get up an hour earlier to work out will certainly disappear when the clock strikes midnight. 

I digress. 

My point is this: Many of us make "New Year's Resolutions." Often times these resolutions are meant to be very big, life altering decisions that will change the way you do things in the coming year. Some people try to kick old habits. Others try to start new ventures. Let me let you in on a little secret, in case you didn't already know...

Starting this blog was my New Year's Resolution last year. 

I can honestly say that this blog has probably been the only New Year's Resolution that I have ever accomplished. 

But just in case you were curious, I have browsed through my memory bank to share with you every New Year's Resolution that I have ever had in my life.... Enjoy a Day Resolution in the Life Of Ally Tucker. 

*I don't have a picture of me from every year of my life on hand, so instead of using ONLY pictures of myself, I will ALSO use pictures of children that I do not know from Google Images. I will try to be politically correct and represent all races in my fake scrapbook. 

1 Year- Old Resolution:

--> Learn Cursive. 

2 Year- Old Resolution:

--> Quit Smoking 

3 Year- Old Resolution:

--> Find out why my sister calls me Lettuce (Background: Before I was born, my sister wanted my parents to name me "Lettuce." Instead of accepting that they in fact did not name me Lettuce, she refused to call me by any other name for years. Ironically, I now hate salad. Coincidence? I think not!)

4 Year- Old Resolution:

--> Don't cry on the 1st day of school next year (I was that kid...)

5 Year- Old Resolution:

--> Write the "Y" at the end of my name (Ally) facing the right direction....that was a big problem when I was doing things like writing my name on walls, my baby dolls heads (not sure what that was all about), desks, my sister's bunkbed (sorry about that Colleen). 

6 Year - Old Resolution

--> Learn UK's starting line-up (I think I have known every single one since)
-->  Take more glamour shots with cheek resting on my hand

7 Year- Old Resolution

--> Get a bowl cut
--> Stay sassy

8 Year- Old Resolution:

--> Learn how to write a cursive "Z"  (I still don't know how to do that...and neither do you)

9 Year- Old Resolution:

--> Hold an alligator (check!)
--> Beat the N-64 game "Donkey Kong Country"

10 Year- Old Resolution:

--> Win 1st place in the Science Fair
--> Get a UK Starter Jacket

11 Year- Old Resolution:

--> Learn to accept my Cleveland Indians Starter Jacket
--> Keep my Nano Puppy alive for longer than 24 hours 

12 Year- Old Resolution:

--> Learn how to roller skate backwards so that I can look cool at Champs Roller Rink
--> Beat the N-64 Game "007"

13 Year-Old Resolution:

--> Come up with clever Away Messages on AOL

14 Year-Old Resolution:

--> Get a State Championship Ring as a South Oldham soccer player (check! check!)

15 Year- Old Resolution:

(That picture actually is of me and 2 of my best friends from high school)

-->  Stop going to Oldham 8 movie theatre every weekend and dressing up like a goober while 1 of the 3 of the "8-er Crew" pretends to be on crutches and trips and falls in front of people in line at the theatre to see what they do. 
-->  Get a bit role on the soap opera "Passions"

16 Year- Old Resolution:

--> Start wearing underwear under your pants
--> Convince Dawson's Creek's producers not to end the series

17 Year-Old AND 18 Year-Old Resolutions:

--> Destroy Sacred Heart

19 Year- Old Resolution:

--> Remember to take Tuberculosis Pills every day so that I don't die (whoops)
--> Survive rooming with the person pictured above for a year

20 Year- Old thru 22 Year-Old Resolutions: too busy loving every single thing about my time at Transy to make resolutions. 

23 Year-Old Resolution:

--> Find a new job (When the highlight of your job becomes winning a ridiculous amount of "Around the World" games during the patient's smoke breaks...it's time to move on)

24 Year- Old Resolution:

--> Start a blog! (Check!)

The Breakfast Club

Posted by Ally Tucker on January 1, 2012 at 10:40 PM Comments comments (1)
*First and foremost, today is our 1 year anniversary as a blog. Be sure to read our "Tucker's Tales: A Year in Review" blog entry before you do anything else...

(photo courtesy of Westwoodonesports.com)

In the past week if you have watched a Kentucky basketball game, picked up a local newspaper, listened to a talk show, had a conversation with a Kentucky fan, or have generally speaking not lived under a rock, you know of Michael Kidd-Gilchrist. He had perhaps one of the greatest performances in Kentucky basketball history on Saturday with a 24 point, 19 rebound outing against the arch-rival, the University of Louisville. Chances are that you have probably heard one more thing about Michael Kidd-Gilchrist recently.....

Michael Kidd-Gilchrist has started what has now been coined as "The Breakfast Club" with some of his teammates at the University of Kentucky. Kidd-Gilchrist (I will refer to him as MKG from now on for abbreviation purposes) has started a tradition of waking up early and dragging along some of his teammates to put in extra work/practice early in the morning, followed by eating breakfast together. Coach John Calipari has lauded him for his efforts, saying that the club has built an almost "brotherhood-like" bond between the players who have been attending. Coach Cal also believes that the results of the extra hard work and dedication have shown up on the basketball court come game-day. Hard to argue with that considering MKG's explosive performance on Saturday. 

Anyway, enough about the history of MKG's "Breakfast Club." Earlier today on Twitter, one of my favorite people to follow, UK fan and Cougartown actor Josh Hopkins joked that he was going to start his own "Breakfast Club" in LA. He even mentioned something to effect of, "wouldn't it be funny if everyone started their own breakfast club, whether it be at the gym or at work." 

Of course, my wheels started turning immediately. I threw out the idea on my Facebook page about starting a "Breakfast Club" MKG style. I really wasn't sure exactly what this club would entail, but I knew that I wanted to start something. 

Aided by the fact that my Mom got me in the "cleaning out/organizing mood" by forcing me to go through every clothing item I've ever owned since middle school and decide "Yes" "No" or "Maybe" as to whether or not they were worth keeping, I came back to my apartment after Christmas break and decided to do the same type of Spring Winter cleaning myself. In the process I stumbled across an old filing box filled with everything I ever considered "important" to me while I was at Transy. 

And let me tell you about the best treasures that I found...Handwritten notes/letters. 

I'm being completely serious. I had at least 15-20 hand-written notes, letters, cards, etc. from friends, family, sorority sisters, teachers, etc.  I read every single one and was completely touched by each and every one. Some were only a few sentences at most. Others were much longer. They were from all kinds of people about all kinds of things. Some were serious. Some were goofy. Some were thoughtful. Some were witty. 

But each one was special. 

With the popularity of Facebook, e-mail, text messaging, and Twitter...we can communicate so effortlessly with one another these days. If you want to say something to someone, you can probably come up with at least 5 easier ways to directly communicate with them than writing a note. 

My Mom gives me (and my sister) a pack of "Thank You Cards" in my stocking each and every year. She has even gone so far as to give me postage stamps now. Every single Christmas I write a hand-written thank you note to all of my family members. Sometimes it can be a hassle to actually sit down and write them and I will openly admit to not wanting to take the time to do it plenty of times. I have waited until March before to send them. I can honestly say though that besides those thank you notes, and maybe a few other random birthday cards here and there, I can't remember the last time that I have given someone a hand-written note or card JUST BECAUSE. 


I want to start a "Breakfast Club."

I don't think that just because MKG's club meets to workout every morning, that working out is the only purpose a Breakfast Club can serve. 

What will my "Breakfast Club" be? ....   

The idea is SO SIMPLE that it's almost absurd. 


  • Wake up 10 minutes earlier every morning
  • Pick someone who either still is, or at some point has been meaningful to your life
  • Sit down for a moment and write them a hand-written note/card/letter
  • The length and content of the note are subjective
  • Send it to them
Seriously, how easy is that? The only effort that it might take is asking them for their address either before or after writing the note. Other than that, it's so so so simple. 

You know what though? I guarantee you that they will appreciate and treasure what you send them way more than they will cherish or even remember or re-visit any e-mail, Facebook post, text message, tweet that you send them. 

I'm going to do it....starting tomorrow. The beauty of this Breakfast Club? You don't have to even get up every morning and meet with a bunch of people. Do it on your own wherever you are. 

Call me sappy or call me a goober for this little idea... but I hope some of you will join my "Breakfast Club."

Also...I think all kinds of breakfast clubs could be successful. If you have suggestions for other ideas, count me in. I'm all about it. 

Tucker's Tales: A Year In Review

Posted by Ally Tucker on January 1, 2012 at 2:35 PM Comments comments (0)

On January 2nd, 2011 at 4:21 p.m.....a new baby was born....probably in a hospital somewhere in the United States....to a joyful mother and father. 

On January 2nd, 2011 at 4:21 p.m....a new blog was born...definitely in a small apartment room at "The Lex"... ...to a joyful pair of pals, Ally and Kristen. 

I know I've probably told this story on here before, but a random text message from Kristen sent to me a few months before the whole blog actually came to fruition, was the culprit for this whole thing. Kristen sent me a message that said something to the effect of: 

"I like your Facebook statuses. If you ever had a blog, I'd read it."

The wheels began to turn at that moment, though I'm not even really sure how aware I was of the fact that it was happening. I began to get a little antsy around new year's of last year and decided that I wanted to start a new project. Suddenly, the text message's message (how's that for a tongue-twister?) came back to me and I began searching the internet for free blog host websites. 

My initial thought, considering my obsession with sports and lifelong dream of someday writing for KentuckySportsRadio.com, was that the blog would mainly center around me writing about sports. I even tried to pick what I thought was a "sporty looking" backdrop for the blog. If I had to guess, probably very few of you even remember the initial lay-out for this blog. It was some psychodelic-looking blue and black lightening strike-looking thing. The layout was hideous and thank God a few people made playful comments and urged me to change it. 

Since then, the format and layout have not really changed at all. But the content has certainly been as random as can be. We have not written solely about sports. We have written about just about anything you could probably imagine.  (And even things you could not imagine, such as "Celebrity Survivor" and having a "Life Draft"--- my bad guys on never finishing those....what was I thinking???)

The little project of this blog started out as a fun idea that I honestly thought would mostly consist of me writing things that only I would read, and maybe my parents and Kristen just because she felt bad. Little did I know that not only would Kristen become a HUGE part of the blog with her hilarious and impressive writing skills, but also that people would actually read it. 

I remember being excited the first time that we hit 100 views. It was early on too, maybe within a day or two if I remember correctly. A few retweets later from our MVP, Mary Jo Perino, and we were steadily bringing in around 100 viewers a day. Since then things have fluctuated for a variety of reasons. Sometimes we get an absurd amount of hits (you would laugh at the different Google searches that people use that somehow bring them to our website) and sometimes both of us are so busy that we don't blog quite as often. Regardless, the fact that so many of you all have taken the time to read our blog, come back to read more of our blog, share it with your friends and family, and genuinely support us in our crazy little adventure is something that we are forever grateful for-- THANK YOU!

In our 1 year of existence we have had a grand total of 24,755 views:

Now for a little treat on this 1 year anniversary (don't worry, we are celebrating over a fancy dinner tonight--and by that I mean Kristen will cook a really fancy dinner and send me a picture of it), we would like to re-visit some of our favorite blog entries from the past year. 

We have gone back through every single entry (someday we will figure out a way to make doing this easier on the blog) and I have selected what I think are Kristen's TEN BEST BLOG ENTRIES. Kristen has gone back and selected what she thinks are MY BEST TEN BLOG ENTRIES. Simply click on the links provided to go back and read some of our favorites (also keep in mind that some of the pictures that we used along the way have since disappeared...probably copyright bull-jive)

Enjoy....oh, and also...be grateful that since the VERY FIRST BLOG ENTRY, we have learned that adding pictures makes things so much better. Shoutout to Google Images. Thanks, bro. 

Ally's Picks for Kristen's 10 Best Blog Entries of 2011 (in no particular order):

**possibilities....have to finalize still

1)  Why TLC is the Best Channel on Television

-Kristen started her Tucker's Tales blogging career off with a bang. As soon as I read this entry, I not only laughed out loud (LOL-ed if you will) but I knew that she was going to become a major contributor, far beyond simply a "guest blogger."

2)  Fall of 1995: I might be a Griffin and I get an angel 

-Perhaps my favorite line ever in any of Kristen's many melodramatic and absurd diary entries. "I got an angel! Bye!"

3) Lexington Bucket List 

- I think that Kristen has far more "practical" and "useful" blog entries than I do. This is one of her best when it comes to actually informing readers about something important, which in this case revolves around her knowledge and love for Lexington. 

4) Typical Amazing Race Audition

- One of the more "so ridiculous that it can't be true, but it's true" stories I've ever heard. Kristen details her audition with her good friend Layson for the television hit show "The Amazing Race"

5) Missed Connections on Spring Break

-Kristen rode a mechanical bull on spring break, among other things. 

6 ) Hypothetical Tweets From Peru 

- Kristen combines her love with Twitter and her trip to Peru. Genius. 

7) Walk the Plank 

- Some of the pictures Kristen found of people "planking" are hilarious. Not to mention that this particular blog entry has accounted for probably 50% of our blog site traffic. When you google or google image the word "planking," Kristen's article is one of the first hits. #BlogSoHard

8 )  Living the Dream 

-Kristen makes a list of her dream jobs. Some are obvious choices, some... not so much. 

9) What Would You Do?

-This is one of my favorite blog entries that Kristen has ever written. I had a giggle fit through the entire thing. Kristen outlines what she would do for tickets to the UK/UNC game. 

10) College Classes That Should Be Offered

-Kristen included nearly a page of dialogue directly from the television show "Boy Meets World." I cried just reading it. Enough said. 

Kristen's Picks for Ally's 10 Best Blog Entries of 2011 (in no particular order):

1. Kentucky Wildcat La Familia Christmas Letter -

Spot on. Just spot on.

2. Late Night Confession: Ally's First Real Job -

I still LOL thinking about this time in Ally's life. 

3. Lexington's Best Kept Secrets: Volume 4

- CHASE NO FACE >>>>>>>. And Ally's photo captions are genius.

4. What Kind of Facebook Are You?

- I love lists. 

5. Consumer's Report- Hunger Games

- Ally was on top of the Hunger Games way before the bandwagon started. AND Twitter. Props. 

6. So You're Saying There's A Chance?

- UK vs Transy is a game that needs to happen every year. Bonus points for referencing Becky the Icebox.

7. Final Thoughts on the World Cup

- Oh hey, remember when the World Cup happened this summer and it was AWESOME?? Ally does.  

8. Monday Night Karaoke 6/6/11

- Although all karaoke entries could be on this list, I chose this one because I wasn't there and that is one of my greatest regrets in life. 

9. Tribute to the Graduates

- Maybe I cried reading this. Maybe I didn't. You'll never know. 

10. U(r)sher Concert Review

- One of my top five nights of 2011 by far, and Ally completely did it justice in the blog entry. 

*** We couldn't forget our favorite guest bloggers. Guest bloggers have been a wonderful bonus for our blog. We have had all kinds of wonderful contributions throughout the year. We have found that all kinds of people have a gift when it comes to writing and/or sharing stories. We hope to continue to allow a place for people to come and share their stuff. It was hard to pick just 5 favorites, but we tried to display a variety. 


1) "In Defense of Jersey Shore" By Meagen Fuller 

-She honestly almost had me relating to the Jersey Shore gang. 

2) "Your Parents Hate You: Ridiculous Names Vol. 1" by Brandon Daulton

-Brandon is really passionate about ridiculous childhood names. I hope that he marries a woman who insists on naming their child "LaTiffany" or something of the sort. 

3) "In the Spirit of Lent" by Meg Phillips

- Meg brought it hard and we love her for it. She went ham on all kinds of people/things. 

4) "Becoming a Karaoke Regular" by Colleen Tucker

- Considering how many karaoke entries we had, I figured my sister's entry about the guidelines for being a karaoke regular seemed appropriate. 

5)  "Short Hair, Don't Care" by Cole Adams 

-If I'm being honest, this might be one of my favorite blog entries we've ever had-- not just guest blog entries either. Cole nailed her tribute to the US Women's National Team coach Pia Sunhage. 

Kentucky Wildcat La Familia Christmas Card

Posted by Ally Tucker on December 22, 2011 at 7:20 PM Comments comments (0)



Happy Holidays everyone! To say the least, 2011 has been eventful & exciting in our La Familia here at the University of Kentucky. We have had some significant changes in our lives this year, saying goodbye to some of our family members while also welcoming in some new family members as well.


We had a very difficult pregnancy with little Marquis. He almost didn't make it. Sure enough though, when the stork dropped him off on our doorstep instead of the doorstep of Porcini's, we were very excited to see our new little bundle of joy.



Marquis is currently experiencing some of the pains that come with teething, but he is slowly but surely turning the corner and making us proud parents instead of causing us to lose sleep and want to rip our hair out after each turnover  contested 3-pointer incoming tooth.


 One of our other new family members, worried us a bit before he arrived as well. When we got the ultra-sound pictures we quickly panicked as any young parents would when we only saw one eyebrow instead of two. The doctors assured us that this was not a critical issue in his development moving forward. He has really excelled since coming home. He loves all of his toys but he has shown a preference for blocks. All little Anthony Davis does all day: blocks, blocks, blocks. He also enjoys playing with his brothers, but they get angry because everytime they try to hand him one of their toys to share with him, he promptly swats it in the other direction. We are sure that he will learn to share in time. He could stand to gain a little bit of weight too...


We have included a picture of baby Anthony's ultrasound!




People keep asking us if little Kyle came from the Milk Man, seeing as he really doesn't resemble anyone else in our family. Kyle worries at times, but we tell him that if anyone gives him any trouble or picks on him for being different, he just needs to learn to defend himself  DEFEND. Point. Blank. End. Of. Story.


Another one of our boys, little Doron, seemed to be having some issues with his vision in school. We finally got him to the eye doctor and they were able to fit him with a pair of glasses with a special prescription lense...



  You would be amazed at how much better he can see now! He doesn't even have to wear both lenses anymore!



We took a family vacation a few weeks ago in Uncasville, Connecticut. They had a great casino there! The company wasn't the greatest, but the boys did come back with a little souvenir.




Our boy Enes finally got out of jail after a year!



We wanted to take a moment to personally thank all of our closest friends, church and family for all of the continuing support you gave him during his imprisonment. We will never forget you guys! #LaFamilia



Little Brandon made the honor roll.....AGAIN.




If everyone could just take a quick break from reading the rest of this letter for a minute to pray for our Uncle Chuck. He has fallen a bit ill recently and needs all of your prayers and strength. We heard that he is making a quick recovery, but still...we wish him a year of perfect health!


We had a family reunion this summer. What a blast it was to have everyone back in the same room, sharing stories, swapping trading cards and giving each other shout outs on Twitter. Funny enough, we had like 3 or 4 more reunions just a few weeks later as well. We will probably have another one next summer...hell, maybe we'll have 6 or 7. It was great to have all the guys back around so much...


Speaking of family....Grandma's still got it...


Shhhh....don't tell anyone but little Mikey is our favorite child. He is just perfect in every single way. Honestly, he can do no wrong. We love his every move. He has even been lending a hand to La Familia by getting the other kids up for breakfast every morning and making sure they get fed. He calls it the "Breakfast Club." Such a little angel, that Michael!



 Our pride and joy last year, little Joshua, has moved on to take a new job in the Big Apple of all places! The last we heard from him, he was in talks with an agent to have his own reality tv show titled "Fountain of Fun." We don't get much  mail from him, but occasionally we still receive mail FOR him. Last March, for example, Jared Sullinger sent him a letter. The only thing enclosed in the envelope was his dignity.


Ohio State falls to Kentucky, 62-60


Oh, and we can't leave out the family pet...our little centaur, Eloy. Eloy has really been making major strides in his coordination, even picking up a few new tricks since last year. We find that this year we don't have to yell "NOOOOOOO!" quite so much at him.




All in all, 2011 has been a great year for us here at the Univeristy of Kentucky. We hope that 2011 has been just as great for the rest of the #BBN. Please remember to enjoy the ride, check out my website CoachCal.Com, try a cup of the holiday flavors at Orange Leaf and Bounce Back from any of your shortcomings!


Happy Holidays!!!



Coach Cal


P.s. Pray for sweet Terrence. He has lost his way. And apparently his chin as well.



Letter From An Injured UK Fan

Posted by Ally Tucker on December 16, 2011 at 6:55 AM Comments comments (0)

Some of you all may have read on a popular website, Kentucky Sports Radio, an account from a Kentucky fan about their poor treatment while at the Indiana/Kentucky game last Saturday (click the previous link to read the letter) The UK fan, who was  regular traveler to watch the team play, said that he had never seen a more hostile road environment in which the fans of the opposing team treated him and his friends/family with such anger and aggression. 

Well, in true Tucker's Tales fashion, we went out and found another Kentucky fan who was at the game on Saturday and had an EVEN WORSE tale to tell about her experience on Saturday.... She wanted to use Tucker's Tales as a medium to share her story with the world....

Some of you may know Penelope, from the popular Saturday Night Live skits on NBC. 

You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.

(In case the video doesn't work...just know that Penelope is THE BIGGEST "ONE-UPPER" of all time. If you adopted a puppy from the Humane Society, she adopted 30 and neutered them all by herself. If you ate an entire box of Oreos in one sitting, she ate an entire box of Double Stuffed Oreos, while lighting a Menorah. 

Penelope's sister, Janellope, is the fan who has decided to stop by. The two have much in common....

Dear Tucker's Tales,

Allow me to preface by saying I visited Bloomington countless times as a
UK student. I mean literally thousands of times. I actually had a dorm room, a suite rather, on Indiana's campus in addition to my dorm room on Kentucky's campus. I found IU to be a beautiful campus. Naturally, when I bought out the entire arena and then sold the tickets individually to everyone who attended the game, I was pumped to go back!

We arrived in town around 12:30 p.m. on our private jet and had a valet park our car at Kilroy's, a pretty standard college bar. Walking past the first storefront a college kid opened the door and offered us this warm welcome...

"You're going to have your brand new puppy run over multiple times for wearing that blue."

We laughed it off and kept walking to Nick's, the alumni bar and pizza joint that is loaded with Indiana regalia and lore. Within 3 minutes of walking into the bar, all kinds of awful things happened to us. One man with an eye patch pistol whipped me 4 times in the head. 

Another small woman dumped a bag of what I thought was confetti into my hair. As it turns out, she was dumping a bag of lice on me. 

A man who appeared to be in cahoots with the lice lady then pulled out a bottle of "Rid" to help remove the lice, shook it in my face as if he was going to hand it to me, then dumped it out on the floor while simultaneously breaking a comb over his knee. 

Then 5 IU fans clamoring over a pizza started chanting the following two things at me, in rotation: "F*CK KENTUCKY!" "The lice go marching 1 by 1, hoorah, hoorah! The lice go marching 1 by 1 hoorah, hoorah!"

Then an IU fan pushing a stroller handed me her crying baby to hold while she pretended to shoot an invisible gun at another IU fan mockingly doing the John Wall dance. 

We finally made our way though the crowd to find an empty seat and order our pizza. We sat uninterrupted for all of 10 minutes before the next wave of crazy Indiana fans made their way over to our table, one by one. 

The first IU fan to approach me was holding this sign and told me that he just stuck 419 Maxi-Pads on my car windshield. 

Next up, the bartender came racing over, with a frantic look on his face. He was holding a cordless phone and said, "quick, quick! It's urgent! You have a phone call. It's your Mother. She's fallen ill and they don't think she's going to make it." I panicked and nearly began crying when he handed me the phone. I shouted nervously, "Hello?! Hello?! Mother?" I was met with the automated "on hold" music and advertisement from Insight Cable Company, and a snicker from the bartender who grabbed the phone as he realized I had caught on to his joke and yelled "PSYCHEEEEE!" while dropping a dirty hand towel in my beer. 

Over the course of our meal, 11 out of every 10 IU fans came by our table and passed gas as close to our pizza as possible. Needless to say, we couldn't fathom the abuse we were taking. 

The game itself was even worse. We had what should have been very good seats but 2 minutes into the game, a man "conveniently switched seats" with the child sitting in front of me so that I could no longer see the game. The man who sat in front of me was this guy: 

I finally found a small window between him and the short woman next to him (also pictured above) so that I could see the game. Not a minute later and the lady switched seats and once again I could not see because of THIS GUY sitting in front of me:

Come to find out after the game that he was not actually even alive when they brought him out to sit in front of me. In fact, they had brought him back, "Weekend at Bernie" style just so he could obstruct my view of the game since I was a Kentucky fan (I thought that I smelled something funny but assumed it was just the baby next to me whose mother insisted on putting his dirty diapers right under my seat). 

I won't even get into mess that was made of my shins when the fans stormed the court. The man who must have been the 93rd person in a row to run by and kick me as hard as he could in the shin, proclaimed that it was an "old Hoosier tradition." Turns out that kicking the opposing fan in the shin, cutting a section of their hair with scissors, pouring your entire beer and a small wine cooler (mini-hotel fridge style) on their head, handing them used tissues, Tebowing them every time Kentucky scored, throwing live kittens in their laps during timeouts, etc. are not in fact "old Hoosier traditions" after all. I felt so duped. 


By the time I finally settled into my car, after many other absurd gestures of hate were bestowed upon me (That thanks to genetic testing they heard that Beyonce & Jay-Z's child was going to be born mute, I was actually adopted, my brother was actually responsible for 9/11, my daughter was just recently cast for 16 & Pregnant, Enes Kanter was ruled ineligible for the NBA, etc), I was just ready to get home. 

I have enjoyed many Kentucky basketball games on the road, previous Indiana games included...but this is one Cats fan that will never make that trip again. 

Thanks for taking the time to listen to my story. It was a miserable day, to say the least.