When I was younger, I always felt like the "fat girl". I had these super skinny friends and society teaches girls how to compete with looks early on. Now that I look back, I realize that I wasn't really fat or even chubby, but I sure felt it. I had horrible body image, but I was not fat. Puberty hit, and things started changing. I felt more and more fat, and I was a little bigger overall than the other girls. I was tall, reaching 5'7'' in the 7th and 8th grades. I always thought I could eat whatever I wanted and stay about the same weight.
In high school, I stayed around 150 pounds by dancing for my school's drill team. I wasn't the thinnest girl on the team, but the practices kept me "in check" physically. I was talking about starting a diet, when my mom mentioned that a girl she worked with had lost some weight on Weight Watchers. For a couple days, my mom and I counted calories for everything we ate and journaled. Then, she brought home the materials from her coworker and I decided to try it. I even went to meetings to get all my own paperwork and points slider. I went just long enough to get all the materials I needed, as I couldn't afford to keep up the meetings forever. I lost 8 pounds that first time, and got into the low 140s from being in the 150s. My mom had started with me and lost about 20-30 pounds herself. We would go walking together and check over each other's food journals. I was feeling great, but lacked the discipline to stay the course for the long haul. I had a little success and felt like I could do a little cheating and it wouldn't hurt. Then, my journaling just stopped altogether and when I went off to college, my mom gained everything back since we weren't on the program anymore.
I watched what I ate that first year in college and maintained around 155 pounds. Again, I had a super fit roommate who could run. I could never run because I have a sort of asthma that makes intense cardio very difficult for me. I tried to do WW again as a freshman, but my roommate would make cakes and cookies and I would give into temptation with no one there to support my health efforts. Over the summer, I maintained as well. I wasn't happy with my weight in the 150s, but I could tolerate it.
When I returned to college after the summer, I moved into my own apartment. Here is where it really went haywire. In one year, I gained 11 pounds reaching 166 pounds, and after graduating college, I gained another 9 pounds in the next 5 months or so, right before starting graduate school. I don't know if it was all the celebrations or I was somehow rationalizing the way I was eating, but I hated my body. I remember I really needed to go shopping, but I dreaded that I wouldn't fit into my 10s anymore after the summer. I didn't. I officially was wearing 12s. I guess I kept gaining, because I would constantly yo-yo diet. I would gain back my weight plus more. Classic story huh?
That brings me to the here and now. I'm at my highest weight of 175 pounds and I am determined to stick with the plan that I have abandoned so many times in the past. I am finally ready and mature enough to focus on getting healthy, loving exercise, and getting thinner. I may have to be on WW for life, but I can handle that if it means that I can get back to some normal weight. I never thought I would be considered "overweight", but I'm in that category now. It hurts to read that, but it's the truth. It's really time to do something. Things can only get worse if I ignore this situation.