visit my gay forums at http://www.rubycalaber.com/forums/

review for seasons one, two and three, originally posted: December 25th 2007

ok I swear to god this thread has something to do with christmas no seriously not like my halloween thread which had nothing to do with halloween just me owning kassius ok let me explain THIS THREAD HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH CHRISTMAS I SWEAR

ok so on Lost (yes this thread is about Lost fuck you) the plane Oceanic Flight 815 crashed onto the island on September 22 2004 ok and they have been there for 93 days so that means the date that the finale of season 3 was set on was the 23rd of December so the first episode of season 4 will take place on the 24th and probably the 25th

so basically THE FIRST EPISODE OF SEASON 4 OF LOST WILL TAKE PLACE ON CHRISTMAS EVE AND CHRISTMAS DAY well of 2004 but whatever

that seems like excuse enough to make this the christmas special edition and post it on christmas since this thread is kind of getting the forum ready for season 4 of Lost ok now I have been wanting to watch the past seasons for a while and since the third was released on DVD a while ago I thought I'd watch them all and review them so what I'm going to be doing in this thread is reviewing seasons 1, 2 and 3 since I've never made a thread about any episodes in season 1 or 2 and I only reviewed the second batch of episodes of season 3 and some of those threads were deleted by hackers so I'd like to be up to date with all of Lost reviewed before I start making threads about season 4 ok so this is that thread so what I'm going to be doing is watching all three seasons and as I watch each episode I'll give some back story of when I first watched that episode to get everyone who wont read this thread up to speed for like the real time now when I am posting this thread and waiting for season 4 and I'll review that episode in retrospect of when I first saw it so basically I am reviewing the last three years of my life since they entirely revolved around Lost but since my memory isnt very good I will literally have to have flashbacks to my first viewings of Lost and what my life was like then

now usually when I make one of these threads you know standard generic mega ruby thread that noone reads I have to get it all under 15000 characters basically because this forum is a sack of shit like how I can only have 10 images and they have to be under 1024 pixels to be honest writing this much text is fucking easy I can type a paragraph of this shit before you can read a single word of it or not since noones going to be reading this like this word right HERE noones going to read that hell I didnt even read that I dont have to look at my fingers or my screen when I type in fact as I am typing this I am looking over my shoulder watching the antiques roadshow or some shit to be honest I'm just showing off not like I could even see my fingers anyway they are moving faster than light and I wouldnt be able to perceive them anyway what was I saying oh yeh its easy writing this shit I just have to pour all the bullshit I think about onto the internet the hard part is trying to keep it all under 15000 characters and I spend a large amount of time trying to whittle it down to this forums ridiculous requirements and trying to decide which 10 of the many marvelous images I hold should have the honer of being included in one of my threads and sometimes I split it up like I obviously have to for the two movie review threads I did die hard 4 and transformers were cut into sections where I have to post each chunk of 15000 characters one after the other and hope noone cuts in I'll tell you later on how much trouble posting my 10 part season 3 finale thread was but anyway for this thread I will be testing out a method where I obviously wont get all three seasons into one post under the character and image limits (seriously this forum sucks dick can someone with the appropriator admin powers fix that stupid shit and for the love of dicks give us some new smilies) so the point is that IF YOU REPLY IN BETWEEN ANY OF THESE POSTS YOU WILL HAVE DOMINATED ME INTO OBLIVION FOR LIFE fuck me lets get this gay show on the road

so august 2005 was when I first saw an episode of Lost I would have been 14 then let me tell you a little something about my life back then and by little I mean a massive fucking wall of text about it I had always hated school but I hated high school so fucking much I only managed to endure it for two years and when it was time to go back for a third year I was like fuck this shit and dared anyone to make me go and the school was used to kids refusing to go to school because they were delinquent commoners determined to stay uneducated but with me they tried coaxing me back to school and then they tried home tutoring but that didnt really work out so I was due to change schools but I was already used to and quite happy for once in my life just doing fuck all every day just sitting around on the computer all day and night now in fact I loved pissing away my endless free time on the internet so much I moved my bed down to the family computer room and claimed it as my bedroom and my parents were happy to support this lifestyle they knew how much I despised going to school the only problem was I legally had to get an education and The Man was constantly on my back wah wah wah you cant just not go to school wah wah wah you'll go to court for that wah wah wah I'm The Man I make laws I'm gay wah wah wah now I had been on the internet frequently for about three years now I'd always been interested in computers and the internet but I only really got involved with posting online when I was about 11 when I joined IGN and started posting on their message boards on a regular basis about video games I was currently playing and at this stage in my short meaningless life I was just staring to get immersed in internet lore and I adored the internet so much I would be on it every day and night I'm so glad I moved my bed down next to my beloved computer and finally my time online wasnt restricted by school hours and I could converse with people the way I highly preferred through my monitor just little names of text on my screen running free in a world of information I loved talking to other people without ever having to know more about them than an avatar and a name they gave themselves and I had recently invested in Battlefield 2 and I loved the thrill of online gaming and I knew I would much rather spend the rest of my life in this glorious dimention of joy arguing on the vestibule and going on novice level internet adventures than the distressing despicable real world where you have to talk to people face to face but alas having to go to school was still an issue and I wasnt looking forward to attending this new one and I still had felt that emptiness like I had yet to find something to devote myself to some people meet their future spouse some people join the army and I was looking for my true calling and that was boring pathetic little existence furiously trying to avoid a normal teenage life dodging any social contact like the plague hiding behind my fathers computer feebly making attempts at posting on a massive internet community under the misspelt and barley recognizable rubycalaber name that was my life before that true calling came gushing at me like a giant nigger penis spraying cum at me

I remember it just like yesterday actually no I dont I dont remember any of it at all and I'm probably just going to make it all up wait hang on whats that whooshing sound HOLY FUCKING SHIT IM HAVING A MOTHERFUCKING FLASHBACK FUCK YEH so I had been hearing about some show called Lost for a while on the IGN boards and I didnt think much of it until I was eating breakfast with my sister around the start of august 05 and I was flipping through a news paper and my sister spots this advert in the paper:

yes thats right that image I've had in my sig for two months is from that add campaign I did my own subtle add campaign for this thread although none of you will get it jesus why do I even bother anyway my sister says "so have you heard about this new show "Lost"?" and as lift up my head from this peculiar advert I caught her cute lips forming a tight little O as she finished asking her question and I suddenly had the urge to grab her and thrust my tongue inside her mouth and I thought "woah dude wtf she's your sister gross man" and I managed to stutter out that I didnt know much about it and she leaned over to me her tight teeshirt clinging to her perfectly firm young breasts and she says "apparently all of america grinds to a halt when its on" and I lean back from the table caught off guard by my sisters amazing figure and as I caught a glimpse of her beautiful round rear I managed to splutter out "popular then is it?" and as she walked away from the table swaying her hips seductively in her pajamas just barley covering her underwear shaking her sexy blonde bed hair over her shoulders she said "apparently" man oh man I had always gotten on really well with my sister and I'd never had that much of a sex drive I mean I really like myself compared to other people I guess I like things that are failure and my sister is like the older exact female version of me like on 4chan you see those pictures of anime characters with their genders switched or like a girl captian america well thats what my sister is like we both get our looks from our dad we are both blond and have blue eyes and light skin we dont get jack shit from our mother who's black hair brown eyes and darker skin NO MY MOTHER ISNT A NIGGER FUCK YOU and we've always been pretty similar she's just more of a people person than me or maybe she's just more well adjusted but either way right then as I started at her perfect figure and thought about how much we have in common and how easy it is to talk to her and how cute she is and how I can relax with her like I can with myself and how I enjoy spending time with her and how this is what you're meant to feel about other girls and how much I loved her and then it hit me like a ton of bricks
"man... I really want to fuck my sister"

yeh that was a flashback to the first time I realized how fucking hot my sister was DEAL WITH IT fuck yeh I am so cool I am such a rebel I dont go to school and I get boners for my sister fuck authority me two years ago was awesome anyway after that life altering revelation what she'd said about some weird american tv show went over my head a bit kind of like how in romantic teen comedies the hero always sees a hot girl and doesnt listen to what she's saying and just stares at her tits well that was like this but the hot girl is the heroes sister hahahaha holy shit so I was just minding my own buisness watching TV in the family room alone which was becoming a rapidly decreasing activity for me these days since I took to spending more and more time on the internet posting and such and I was just about to call it a night and go to bed since british tv is all so shitty and appalling when I saw this advert:

and holy shit was I discombobulated what the fuck was that mess what utter tripe I thought wow this "Lost" sure does look like a sack of shit and by then I had heard a little more about this show but I mean really look at that shitty advert what is this pretentious rubbish typical american artsy fartsy bullshit look at all those faggots dancing about oh wow look at us we have like 20 cast members wow they have like 7 more characters than any normal show the writing for them must be terrible I mean they are all probably 2 dimensional shallow faggots wow wow wow look at this cast how gimmicky can you get ok ok get a load of this you have the two chinks who OH WOW cant speak english can you say GIMMICKY theres OH WOW the pregnant woman and OH WOW A GUY FROM IRAQ HOW TOPICAL fuck off and you've got that hobbit noones heard of and OH WOW THE FAT GUY and the nigger and his little niglet god what a load of shit and listen to them "one of us is a faggot all of us are Lost" what a stupid title wow maybe if we use a vague title we can look all mysterious and shit what is this garbage even about some fags on a beach or something its all going to be a bunch of melodrama bullshit anyway that keeps on going on going because of this stupid retarded hype I mean really this show sounds like the dumbest fucking shit ever no way I'll ever watch that and then I went back to thinking about how hard I'd fuck my sister (very hard)

so then after putting up with these stupid fucking commercials for this dumbass show about god knows what with an ensemble cast of gimmick characters dressed up as impenetrable arty shit for a week I was sitting alone in the living room on the 10th of August when I was browsing the menu guide thing and saw that this show I'd been hearing so much about was about to start on channel 4 so I changed it over and sat there waiting for this travesty of modern television to start airing here almost a year after it was shown in its home country and I thought british tv was bad atleast we dont have to endure americas pumped up drivel like this Lost shit for a year after they show it in their stupid country so with about a minute to go I really just wanted to turn the tv off and go to bed the only thing that kept my watching the idiot box was the possibility this show would be bad in a funny way because I knew it would be bad just maybe not the kind of bad you could make fun of and feel superior about and as the stupid adverts for 118 118 came on about those two gay faggots that sponsor shitty channel 4 shows like this I prepared myself for some new sack of shit show:

btw since we have youtube tags now I might as well just post vids of like my favorite scenes so you can watch them or dont watch them since you wont be reading this thread so noone whine at me for not personally making these youtube videos please lol

that was what I watched I was like yeh d/c but then...

LOST 1x01: Pilot, Part 1
that pen thing special edition
First viewed: August 10th 2005


faggot intro just the title of the series zooming in oh wow how spooky or whatever fuck off

oh some guys eye and he wakes up in the jungle how mysterious ok so he is kind of cute or whatever and a bit hunky who cares oh wow he sees a dog what a load of shit why the fuck is there a dog in the jungle is that some big plot point that wont be resolved for years now this fat is getting up in his suit oh man how random a dude in the jungle in his suit and he gets out his bottle of oh wow some alcohol is that some big fucking mystery too is this whole show about a guy finding out why he woke up in the jungle seen that all before this is the dumbest shit I have ever seen and he had trouble standing up oh did he get beat up or something well he seems pretty cute I dont know who this is is what I was thinking but he is pretty sexy I mean I'm not gay or anything anyway this show sucks so hard look how hard they are trying to be all mysterious and vague oh wow a dog how weird a guy in the jugle woah crazy give me a break the music is so indistinctive and such oh wow now the guy is running through the jungle he'll probably just get to a town or something and phone home ok he's running and running yeh ok we get it running through loads of bamboo and shit is this meant to represent his inner turmoil over being so sexy god what a joke I cant believe this junk is so popular a minute in and its the most boring shit ever like they are trying to be so mysterious oh wow a shoe in a tree who gives a shit is that a big clue to why this guy is in a jungle jesus christ he isnt going to find anything interesting oh wait he's running out and oh wow he finds a fucking beach leading to the open sea big fucking deal hes on an island or something who cares we wont even find out why he's there for ages typical mystery bullshit god this show is such a joke and there is some stupid whiny noise and a woman screaming not interested going to be some boring shit right thats it I'm turning this shit off and going to bed I'm not watching some hot guy running through the jungle for an hour what the fuck is that whining noise anyway that high pitched noise look I'm not interested and the guy turns around and runs around a bush oh please this is painful to watch what is that noise what is he seeing wait he's walking past some like big metal what loads of people running past some fire and woah woah holy fucking shit ITS PLANE WRECKAGE HOLY SHIT ITS A FUCKING PLANE CRASH WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT

holy shiiiiiit and some fucking hobbit is walking right next to OH FUCK THAT FUCKING JET ENGINE IS STILL GOING and there's people running all over the place HOLY SHIT EVERYONES RUNNING AROUND and oh man THERES THIS BLONDE CHICK SCREAMING HER FACE OFF and and A NIGGER SCREAMING WAAAAAAAAAALT oh man that is oh fuck A CHINK SCREAMING CHINKY SHIT what the fucking shit there is fucking plane parts all over the place and this dude is just walking about and oh man he sees some guy under loads of wreckage like HELP HELP holy fuck he goes over and OH MAN OH MAN ITS A FUCKING PLANE CRASH EVERYONES RUNNING AROUND ALL FUCKED UP ok ok HOLY SHIIIIIIT THIS IS THE MOST INTENSE SHIT IVE EVER SEEN ok ok holy shit holy shit HOLY FUCKING SHIT and this dude runs up and tries to pull this dude out HES STUCK UNDER A FUCKING LANDING GEAR OR SOME SHIT OH MY CHRIST and he gets some other dudes to come lift it up and he pulls this guy out

and his legs all fucked up oh man and this dude this guy who pulled him out he gets his tie off and he uses his tie as a tourniquet and he hears a woman screaming HOLY SHIT THIS IS SOME INTENSE SHIT so he runs over to this oh god

A FUCKING PREGNANT WOMAN IN A PLANE CRASH OH GOD what the shit and this hero guy looks over to see some faggot trying to save a dead niggger and HOLY SHIT THE PREGNANT WOMANS HAVING CONTRACTIONS JESUS and then this old bald dude whos helping the other guy up who was under the landing gear looks over and this guy is right in front of the jet engine and

HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT DUDE JUST GOT SUCKED INTO THE JET ENGINE AND IT MOTHERFUCKING EXPLODED HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKING SHIT

AND THERES FIRE BALLS FLYING EVERYWHERE AND PLANE PARTS FALLING ALL OVER THE PLACE HOLY FUCK and this guy calls over this hahahah a big fat guy and he tells him to stay with the pregnant woman oh man oh man and the fat dude asks what his name is and he yells back "JACK!"

and he goes over to this cute dude BLOWING AIR INTO THIS DEAD NIGGERS STOMACH OH FUCK and he says he's a licensed lifeguard and Jack says he really needs to give that back ahahahha owned and this cute guy is like lets do that hole thing you know stick a pen in her throat what the fuck STICK A PEN IN A HOLE IN HER THROAT WHAT THE FUCK and he tells him to go get a pen HAHAHAHA HE GOES RUNNING OFF LOOKING FOR A PEN AHAHAHA and he is resuscitation this nigger and WOAH FUCK SHE WAKES UP AND STARTS BREATHING WAY TO GO JACK and he hears some creaking noise and he looks over and HOLY FUCKING SHIT THE FUCKING WING IS ABOUT TO FALL ON THE PREGNANT WOMAN AND THE FATTY HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCKING SHIT HE FUCKING RUNS OVER WITH THIS WING OF A PLANE ABOUT TO FALL OVER AND HE RUNS OVER AND THEY GET HER OUT OF THE WAY JUST AS THE WING FALLS OVER THE HOLY FUCKING SHIT

IT EXPLODES AND ALL THE FUEL EXPLODES AND THE OTHER JET ENGINE EXPLODES AND THE PLANE EXPLODES FUCKING CHRIIIIIST THEY JUST JUMP OUT THE WAY AND LIKE FUUUUUUCK AND THIS CHUNK OF ENGINE ALMOST CRUSHES A HOBBIT OH FUCK oh man he tells the fat dude to stay with her and he is like I'm not going anywhere and he is walking through the carnage and the aftermath and everyones staggering around and theres flames everywhere and all twisted wreckage of the plane and he walks over to this big section of it and its torn open and upside down and there's dead bodies hanging in their chairs with their arms down oh jesus and hes just staring at this plane wreck and oh man this dude runs up and hands him like 15 pens and is like "idk which would work best" HAHAHAHA HE ACTUALLY WENT AND GOT A LOAD OF PENS and Jack says "they're all good" AND HE TAKES THE PENS HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HOLY SHIT

THIS IS THE MOST FUCKING AWESOME SHOW I HAVE EVER SEEN OH MY FUCKING GOD
I LOVE LOST AHHHHH

so yeh that was my first reaction to seeing the very first scene of Lost it was fucking amazing I thought I was going to cum my pants in fact I almost did so I stayed where I goddamn was to watch the rest of the episode so only after Jack has saved everyone else he tends to his own wounds wow what a hero and he gets a sewing kit and goes down to the beach but he cant do it himself and he sees this kind of hot girl walking around so he asks her to come down and sew this big gash in his side up and he uses the alcohol he found in his pocket to sterilize the wound and we see this dude lighting a cigarette and walking around the crash site where everyones sorting everything out

and starting signal fires I'm sure they will be rescued any time now and we see the pregnant woman looking out to see and the fat guy sorting out the food HAHAHAH THE FAT GUY COLLECTING FOOD HAHA and we see that bald guy sitting by the shore and we see the pen guy trying his cell phone but he cant get a signal obviously and then we see this paki guy who's name is Sayid telling the hobbit who's name is Charlie that they need to make the signal fire bigger and we see the nigger woman kissing her wedding ring and then we see Jack and this hot girl sewing him up and he tells a story about fear and this time he fucked up a surgery because he's a doctor and he did this thing where he counts to five and lets the fear get in man that is so heroic and I thought man next time I am scared I'm going to count to five and let the fear in and then deal with it man I am such a little nervous faggot if only I was as heroic as Jack he is my hero oh man and that girl she sure is kind of cute and then its night time

and Sayid and Charlie are getting worried that no rescue is coming and Charlie is writing FATE on tape around his fingers wtf and this hot blonde chick is painting her toenails and the pen guy sits down beside her and calls her Shannon and he offers her some chocolate man that is so nice but they start to argue man they are probably boyfriend and girlfriend they are so cute togheter and the fat guy offers the pregnant chick some food he collected lmao and we see this nigger and his little niglet and this raged assian guy being a chinky with his wife and we see Jack and that cute chick tending to this dude with some plane shrapnel in his side oh shit

then the two are discussing the plane crash and Jack talks about how the plane went down and the girl talks about how the tail end of the plane broke off and and then the cockpit detached and Jack says neither are on the beach and the first thing I thought was "hmmm I wonder if anyone survived the crash in the other sections of the plane" and Jack wants to go find the cockpit because they'll have communications equipment to call for help and Jack says that he took a couple of flying lessons and I thought "hmm I wonder if Jack will ever need to fly a plane" maybe idk and then this really cute girl says her name is Kate wow Kate thats a lovley name and the doctor says his name is Jack and they smile at each other man that is so sweet I wonder why Jack hasnt flirted her with a bit more haha maybe he is gaWOAH WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT NOISE WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE A MECHANICAL CRUNCHING SOUND AND THERES A LOW SNARL AND A WAILING HORN AND SCREECHING METAL NOISES AND STOMPING CRUSHING SOUNDS AND SOME ALIEN SOUNDING CLICKING AND DEAR GOD THIS DEEP PRIMAL GROWLING WHAT THE FUCK

everyone stands up and watches the tree line as something... something giant... moves through the jungle ripping up trees in the distance making these... these sounds and Shannon calls the pen buy Boone and the little nigger asks his nigger pop if that noise is Vincent and everyone gathers around and sees this... thing... wadding through the jungle uprooting trees showing its movement and Charlie says... "terrific" CUT TO BLACK WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHOW OH MY GOD IT IS AMAZING
then we see I think the first flashback ever Jack on the plane and he meets Cindy who gives him the alcohol he had in his pocket and he stands up and some guy runs past him and he talks to the black woman he'll later revive and there is some turbulence hmmmm

and Jack tires to reasure her that a little shaking is normal and she talks about her husband who is dead probably now oh man but then there's this really loud creaking noise and the plane knocks around violently and Jack tries to calm her down but then HOLY FUCK SOME GUY GETS THROWN UP AND HITS THE ROOF OF THE PLANE AND EVERYTHING STARTS FLYING ABOUT AND THE OXYGEN MASKS COME DOWN AND JACK REACHES FOR HIS AND THE PLANES GOING CRAZY WITH TURBULENCE CUT TO THE SEA OH FUCK and Kate goes over to get some shoes off of a dead guy because her and Jack are going to find the cockpit and she looks over to the bald guy who SMILES AT HER WITH AN ORANGE IN HIS MOUTH WTF

so then Charlie, Jack and Kate are all heading to where they think the cockpit might be and we see just maybe how big this island they are on is

and Charlie and Kate talk about knowing each other from before the plane which would be pretty weird hehehe and it turns out Charlie was in the one hit wonder song rock band Driveshaft and Kate is amazed at how famous he is and Jack doesnt know who the fuck he is and doesnt give a shit hahaha fucking owned and then that random dog from the start is watching them wtf and it starts raining and everyone on the beach starts running for cover other than the bald guy who just sits there and lets the rain soak in and they see that thing in the jungle again that... that monster and then the party of three find the cockpit and I was just amazed at how cinematic this all looked

and Jack says "well... let's do this..." and there's a pretty creepy scene that I was at the edge of my seat watching these three people climb up the front of the plane with all these corpses in their seats and Jack starts beating the cockpits door open and THE BODY OF THE COPILOT COMES FLYING OUT OH FUCK I SHIT MYSELF and they climb up and the pilots still in his chair and WOAH FUCK HE WAKES UP THE PILOTS ALIVE and the first thing he asks is how many survivors and Jack says atleast 48 this pilot is pretty cool I think he is that guy from Alias and oh jesus he tells them the planes radio went out and when they turned back for Fiji and crashed they were 1000 miles off coarse jesus god and they get the transceiver but its not working and that english hobbit Charlie comes out the bathroom just in time to hear that... that monster sound... that alien gargling that stomping oh dear... and oh fuck ITS RIGHT OUTSIDE and Jack pulls Kate up into the cockpit and they hide oh god OH FUCK ITS RIGHT OUTSIDE THE WINDOW oh man oh man SHITS GETTING A LITTLE JURASSIC PARK and then that weird clicking noise starts to get a little quiter and the pilot goes up to see if its gone and BAM IT FUCKING GRABS HIM OUT THE WINDOW AND HE TIES TO HOLD ON BUT IT PULLS BUT IT PULLS HIM OUT AND BLOOD SPRAYS ALL OVER THE WINDOW and Jack grabs the radio thing and THEY FUCKING LEG IT and oh fuck Charlie gets his foot stuck in some vines and Jack goes back to save him what a hero but OH FUCK THE MONSTERS CHASING THEM oh god oh god and Kate runs into some bamboo and there's this low deep THUNDERING NOISE and she counts to five and lets the fear in holy shit then she literally bumps into Charlie and falls on him in a pretty sexy manner and she goes back for Jack and oh man ho man this thing has knocked over trees and shit and then Kate the Charlie find a badge and Jack walks out and says that its the Pilots and Charlie looks up and asks how something like that happens and they cut to... the Pilots shreaded corpse in the tree... holy shit

smash cut to title card "LOST" holy fucking shit

so yeh I was just sitting there shitting myself how fucking amazing was that a plane crash on a deserted island with a fucking monster on it what the fuck this is the best show ever I was so wrong those adverts were just weird and something thats popular for once isnt a complete sack of shit oh my god I want to marry this show I am going to wank to this show every night I love this I cant wait untill next week to see the next episode thats what I was like but wait hang on THE NEXT EPISODE WAS ON RIGHT THEN SO I WATCHED IT OH FUCK


LOST 1x02: Pilot, Part 2
polar bear special edition
First viewed: August 10th 2005


we see the party of three walking back to the beach trying to get the receiver working and Charlie has a flashback the first time we hear the flashback rumble to him on the plane running past Jack because Cindy is on his case and when the turbulence starts he's on his way to the bathroom to rub some heroin into his gums holy SHIT and then he goes to flush the heroin down the toilet but thats when shit starts flying about and an alarm goes off and he runs back out and is almost hit my a cart on his way to find a seat and he buckles himself in so thats what he was doing going to the front of the plane I guess his seat was in the middle anyway cut to oh wow

Shannon looking pretty fucking hot sunbathing next to all the wreckage haha oh man she is awesome and then her boyfriend Bone comes up and she gives him shit about a rescue coming and he wanders off oh man the tension between them is pretty rough maybe they had a fight before the plane or something and then the pregnant woman asks if he is her boyfriend and she says HES HER BROTHER OH MAAAAN BRO/SIS INCESTUOUS UNDERTONES ALERT holy shit oh man oh man this show just gets better and better anyway this nigger asks the chinks where his son is so I guess his son is Walt and he's out looking for I guess that dog is his called Vincent but he finds some handcuffs and his nigger pop pop gets all scared cut to Sayid and this southern guy beating the shit out of each other and he has a theory that Sayid is a terrorist and crashed the plane lmao 9/11 onto a deserted island wtf and Jack comes in and brakes it up and says to give it a brake lmao and turns out the arab guy knows about radios and shit and Jack's given these handcuffs the negros found hmmm and the fat guy introduces himself as Hurley and the arab introduces himself as Sayid and says he was a communications officer in the republican guard oh man awesome and he tells Kate who's just done bathing in the sea while that asian woman blabbers at her about something probably telling her she's hot

anyway they need to take the transceiver to higher ground to get a signal and there's some funny stuff with Hurley being offered seafood by the asian guy who's taking a break from slapping his wife lmao and then some shit with niggers reading spannish comic books about polar bears and Charlie tripping massive balls on heroin lmao

and then Shannon and Boone have a hot incest argument man I bet he wants to fuck her she is so bitchy and hot he probably wants to rape the shit out of her anyway she wants to go with Kate and Sayid on this hike so Boone has to go too after she throws a big shit fit about it and Charlie wants to go because Shannon is hot and Sayid makes this face like hmm in retrospect probably because he knows he'll be tappin dat shit man oh man

and the souther guy who I didnt know his name yet but I'll just call him Sawyer anyway joins the group and they all hike up this massive mountain that was pretty epic and Boone tries to help his hot sister up probably trying to feel her hot legs but that sand nigger Sayid beats him to the punch and helps her up instead and back at the beach Jack tells the nigger who I'll just call Micheal that he saw Vincent in the jungle then we see the bald guy playing backgammon and Walt asks him about it and he tells him all about this game and how old it is and how its about good verses evil and he looks at this little niglet and says "Walt... do you want to know a secret?"

here's what I thought of this scene when I first saw it those two years ago "woah is this guy a pedophile? OH MAN PUTTING A PEDO AND A LITTLE KID ON A DESERTED ISLAND THIS SHOW IS AMAZING"
and then there is a cute scene where Claire eats some of the gook we now know as Jins seafood and she feels the baby kick and grabs his hand and puts it on her belly and he is like CHING WONG WONG PING NING NANG NONG oh that Jin he cracks me up something good ok so the party of six faggots are walking through an open area with palm trees and Sawyer starts some shit with Sayid and suddenly they hear something running and snarling and everyone bolts especially Shannon who starts screaming her face off but one of them stands his ground and its SAWYER WHO PULLS OUT A GUN WTF

AND A FUCKING POLAR BEAR COMES RUNNING AT HIM AND HE BUSTS A FEW FUCKING CAPS IN ITS WHITEY ASS WTF A POLAR BEAR IN THE JUNGLE WWWWTTTFFFFF
woah wtf anyway cut to Jack and Hurley trying to operate on this dude with shrapnel in him and Hurley faints over him lmao good going fatass anyway Sawyer thinks the polar bear came from bear village lmao and Sayid thinks he got the gun from a US marshal on the plane because Sawyer was the prisoner being brought back to the states WTF there was a marshal and a prisoner on the plane WTF this show is off the hook! oh man oh man I wonder who the prisoner was oh shit I wonder what he did what if it was something bad oh fuck I bet the prisoner was a serial killer or something awesome my little mind was running riot wtf and then Kate has a flashback and she's sitting beside that guy Jack was just operating on and he's giving her shit and he's talking about her story or something and then she bends down to take a drink of juice and WOAH FUCK SHE HAS HANDCUFFS ON KATES THE PRISONER OH SHIIIIIIT SON oh wowowowowowowwwwow I wonder what she did oh man she is so badass holy fuck this is the best show ever omgmogggomgogmogmog the hot girl is the prisoner wtwtfwtftwtfwtftwtfwtftfttftwtfwwttfwtwwwtttffff oh man and now the turbulence is hitting and she has one favor to ask of him and he is like orly but OH FUCK A SUITCASE FLYS AT HIM AND OWNS HIM IN THE FACE fuck yeh and Kate's reaching for the oxygen masks but her handcuffs wont let her holy shit and the plane's making all these creaking bending noises holy shit as she gets the keys out and unlocks her cuffs but she puts her mask on the marshal wow how heroic and then she gets her mask on just as woah fuck THE BACK OF THE PLANE FUCKING RIPS OFF HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THE TAIL SECTION JUST FELL AWAY OSHI-

and back on the island the marshal wakes up and is like "WHERE IS SHE" holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck Kates the prisoner what the shit what did she do omg she is so hot and awesome alright now Sayid gets the transceiver out and turns it on and he gets just one bar of signal strength but he's getting feedback from somewhere possibly on this island hang on how do they even know they are on an island anyway and Boone says it could be other survivors hmmmm and Sayid gets the frequency and they listen to it and ITS THE FRENCH A RESCUE PARTY MAYBE OMG and Shannon apparently can understand french and its been on a loop or something broadcasting the same message and Sayid is trying to figure out how long its been playing this loop like some sort of unfunny ytmnd being left open for ages and Shannon says the french woman in the transmission is saying "please help me. please come get me. I'm alone now. I'm on the island alone. please someone come. the others they're dead. it killed them. it killed them all." and Sayid says its been playing on a loop for 16 years and someone else was stranded there 16 years ago holy fucking shit and Charlie says "guys... where are we?"

and I was like eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek I thought we would NEVER get to see that french woman who made the distresscall that was literally the best shit I had ever seen in my 14 years of existence and I again couldnt wait for the next episode but I knew it was for my own good I couldnt three episode of this utterly amazing show but wait hang on there was an advert that said the next episode was on channel 4s sister (ahahahahah incest joke) channel e4 was about to start right now holy fucking shit so I goddamn watched that episode too

now just a second at this rate this thread is going to have like 60 parts to it I just opened with the first episode being so many parts because I love that episode so fucking much it is so epic and I'm so glad it was the first episode I ever personally saw of Lost because that's what this thread is about so for some of the episodes that I'm not particularly fond of not to say I dont like them just that they arnt my favorite ever episodes I will try to have down to just like two screencaps and a few paragraphs about the first time I watched that episode but this was just after I watched both parts of the pilot and was in shock and honored to see the third episode right afterwards so lets take a look at that episode I'll try to keep it brief like usually when I make these threads I watch the episode and recall what I thought on their first viewing and write about it scene by scene but I'll try watching this episode and summing up how I felt about it afterwards ok uhhh yeh like anyone is reading this or I will even get this done by christmas fuck you

LOST 1x03: Tabula Rasa
asian titties special edition
First viewed: August 10th 2005

so we get the first "last time on Lost" ever and the marshal shows Jack Kates mug shot oh man oh man I wonder what Kate did I bet it was something really disturbing and awesome man I hope she is like a badass serial killer or something and I really liked the camp fire scene where the six fags are talking about how lost they are and that was the first time Sawyer called Kate "Freckles" and back at the beach Hurley asks Jack if the monster was a dinosaur lmao and Jack is like "uhhhh dinosaurs are extinct" man I love Jack and Hurley picks up the mug shot and is like "uh dude"

"she looks pretty hardcore"
holy shit then we see someone going for Sayids clip to put in the gun and I thought it was Kate but it was Boone and they give the gun to Kate anyway holy fuck so when they get back Jack is really suspicious of Kate and I really wanted to know what she did too man she is so awesome and Jack is trying to save the marshal who keeps saying Kate is dangerous by looking in the fuselage wreckage with all the bodies (which are dead according to Hurley) and Sawyer sneaks up on him and owns him by saying boo lol and Sawyer has beer and smokes and playboys in his bag whilst Jack has medicine in his bag and I thought Sawyer was a real dick and I thought hmmm is there some sexual tension between Jack and Sawyer? then Kate introduces herself to Hurley who is freaking out and then he sees she has a gun on her and he is like oshi- and waddles off I would probably be getting a boner lmao and the scene where the marshal grabs Kate and tries to choke her made me jump a few inches from my chair I was like woah fuck and I thought it was really interesting when Kate asks Jack if he can just put the marshal out of his misery and he says he isnt a murderer and there was another interesting scene when Walt and Micheal are talking about the bald guy Mr. Locke and Micheal asks Walt if he has any kids and Walt says he told secret and I think Micheal was thinking what I was thinking Locke is a pedophile who has no kids but loves little boys and tells them secrets not to tell their dads about how to suck dicks but apparently the secret wasnt pedophile related it was that a miracle happened and Micheal is like yeh ok and says he'll get Vincent the dog back as soon as it stops raining and it stops raining right then I was like hmmm I wonder why that happened so he goes looking for the dog and gets chased by something I thought it was a polar bear but it was probably a boar and he runs into sun with her tits out lmao

hot shit and he is like daaaaaaaaym guuuuurl anyway that night at the beach Kate comes to the conclusion that they need to euthanatize the marshal and she walks out of his tent and then there's a gunshot and Sawyer walks out with the gun and he is actually being reasonable about it for once too bad THE MARSHIALS STILL ALIVE LMAO HE SHOT HIM IN THE CHEST AIMING FOR HIS HEART AND HE MISSED oh man and then jack like smothers him or something and kills him that was pretty hardcore and then we see Locke using his dog whistle that he made wtf and Vincent comes running out weird when I was watching that that first night on e4 my dog came running in the living room lmao I guess that dog whistle really works well that was an ok episode and it ended nicely seeing everyone hanging out when Jack tells Kate they all died lmao bet everyone thought they were in purgatory because I didnt that would be dumb as fuck and Boone doing something really romantic for Shannon giving her some sunglasses man he is such a pimp he is probably gonna fuck his sister and Sayid throwing Sawyer an apple because they are gay bum buds prolly and some other shit and Micheal brings Vincent back for Walt while Locke looks on ominously and Kates flashback was pretty standard it was about why she was in Australia and how the marshal caught her and it had an ok car chase in it I wish there were more car chases in lost hmm
so yeh holy shit that was the first time I had ever seen Lost I watched the first three episodes when they were first aired here and I was certain I would watch the next episode the next week and I got on the internet but I was too scared to look anything about Lost up in case I read spoilers because I knew america was already like a season ahead so I was just browsing the vestibule on IGN that night having everything going over my head because I was still in shock from that amazing experience that was watching Lost but I saw another one of these weird "ytmnd" sites and I was wondering what these were and how you made them so I went to ytmnd.com and it was a giant list of all these ytmnd sites and they were all about the new star wars movie about darth vader going NOOOOOOOOO wow this ytmnd.com sucks and I thought hmmm I wonder if there are ytmnds about Lost but I was too scared to check in case they ruined it for me so I bookmarked this weird ytmnd.com then a week later I made sure my family were all out the living room and I sat down to watch the fourth episode of Lost on e4 and I pretty much came my pants

LOST 1x04: Walkabout
DONT TELL ME WHAT I CANT DO! special edition
First viewed: August 17th 2005

this episode opened in a flashback that kind of confused me about Locke waking up after the crash on the beach and then like four days later the fuselage wreckage is raided by CGI boars that scared the shit out of me but it was funny when Jack had his tiny little flashlight out and thought it was Sawyer and speak of the devil he's right behind him with a giant flashlight and he calls him Jackass lmao and then Locke is like "boars kekeke ^_^" so I guess this guy is a pedophile and a furry so they decide they need to burn the bodies I was thinking they should cannibalize them lmao and in the morning they find they are running out of food and Locke gives himself a pretty good introduction by throwing a fucking hunting knife at Sawyer rofl and he says he has a shit load of knifes in a case that I guess was in the luggage hold and he says they should hunt the boar and he goes into this radical speech about how they should hunt the boars oh man I love this guy he is such a badass and he sounds totally nuts too and Sawyer is like "uhhhh and you gave him his knife back" lmao and there is a Locke flashback that was funny of him on the phone acting like a military badass oh man who is this guy uh oh turns out he works at a desk in an office

with some jackass half his age bossing him about called Randy moaning about TPS reports while he sits behind his little desk owned and Kate is going on some quest with Sayid to find where that french womans transmission is coming from and some other fags are going boar hunting with Locke so Micheal leaves Walt with Sun who is like PING NING CHING CHONG CHING NING WING WONG PING PONG CHING CHANG NEE and Walt is like yeh whatever and there is a cute incest scene with Boone and Shannon man oh man the sexual tension between those two and she goes off to get Charlie to catch a fish for her to prove her bro wrong man oh man this is pretty funny Charlie trying to flirt with Shannon what a stupid little english hobbit and there was another funny scene where Locke is throwing out all these hand signals to Micheal and he is like woah damn back the fuck up whitey and this boar is like "FUCK ALL NIGGERS ALL NIGGERS MUST DIE"

and then it runs back off to stormfront.org and Locke gets knocked over and has a flashback about how he used to play table top games during his lunch brake and he's just sit there playing warcraft or something pretending to be a warrior and then that dickface Randy comes over and is like "whats this a walkabout haha you arnt a hunter you fucking nerd oh wow a woman you finally going to get laid huh bro no didnt think so fucking geek you have no destiny old man keep pretending to be cool because its never gonna happen failure dork" wow Locke was getting trolled pretty hard and all he can say is "just... dont tell me what I cant do" owned and then he stops flashing back and calls Kate Helen maybe that was his gf and he goes off to get the boar on his own and Kates like you cant do that wtf catching boars on your own and he is like "dont tell me what I cant do" woah fuck but in his next flashback he's on the phone in bed talking shit about how he told Randy off yeh right and he invites this girl he is talking to on this walkabout trip to australia and lmao it turns out she is a sex phone operator that she pretends is his gf lmao what a fuckin nerd and even she wont go with him and he cries his nerdy eyes out lmao and then we see Kate climbing a tree to put up this radio shit and she sees oh FUCK ITS THE MONTER and its moving through the trees TOWARDS LOCKE OH SHIT and Locke is chasing a boar and suddenly he hears it getting killed and the trees part and we see this monster thing looking down on Locke oh fuck but we dont actually see it so lmao and then we see Sun the chinky woman making tooth paste and Walt is like "CHIA CHIA" what a niglet

and then Charlie brings Shannon her fish and Boone whines about it probably because he is jealous of Charlie even though he wont be getting laid anytime soon either and Jack was talking to that magical negro Rose and she thinks everyone in the back of the plane is also still alive hmmm interesting theory whats more interesting is Jack sees this random dude in a suit wtf so he follows him into the jungle and Locke comes out with a dead boar woah awesome and at the funeral thing when they burn the plane wreckage with the bodies in it that night Locke has a flasback to when he was going on this walkabout and he is sitting behind a desk talking to a guy and the guy says he cant go and Locke is like I CAN DO THIS and the guy is like no you cant dumbass and OSHI-HES IN A WHEELCHAIR

and Locke is like DONT TELL ME WHAT I CANT DO!! DONT YOU EVER!! DONT YOU EVER TELL ME WHAT I CANT DO!!! and then at the crash site during all this mayhem and carnage Locke stands up for the first time in 4 years and at the funeral he looks at his wheechair in the flames and smiles cut to LOST title card holy fucking shit I couldnt wait until next week

LOST 1x05: White Rabbit
prepubescent rabbit hole special edition
First viewed: August 24th 2005

this week the episode opens in a flashback to when Jack was like 10 and these bullies are beating up his friend and this one bully is like STAY DOWN JACK STAY DOWN because he is on the ground watching his friend get owned and this bully is like STAY DOWN but little Jack STANDS UP TO HIM and gets lumped the fuck out woah what a hero back on the island someones drowning so Jack runs up to the shore and rips his shirt off and dives into the sea because he is such a hero and he swims out and saves Boone very homoerotically but he was swimming out to save this woman who is out at sea drowning holy shiiit and he looks at Boone telling him to go save this woman but Boones drowning and he swims back with Boone to the shore and he swims back out but the woman has been taken out to sea and she died holy fucking shit and he is like I chose not to save that woman wah wah wah and then he sees that random dude in the shirt again standing at the shore wtf

man this show is trippy and then there's some boring shit about nigs and chinks and Shannon goes up to Sawyer and asks for some sand flee repelant or somethind and he says you're in my light sticks and she's like light sticks what the hell and he is like light comma sticks lmao if some faggot hick called my sister sticks I would shove a glow stick up his ass and he'd be cumming a rave for a month and then Sawyer almost asks for a blowjob in return ok now he'd be cumming a rave for a year and Shannon throws the spray can at him owned and there is a cute scene with Kate and Claire they were kind of flirting and then Hurley and Charlie alert Jack to how low their water suply is and Jack is like d/c and Hurley is like lets make a stick that finds water hey dogs can find pot and bombs they can find water Hurley you fat dumb shit and Jack has a flashback to his dad telling him as a kid that you cant save everyone so dont even try because you'll feel bad wow what a dick I hate his dad already the point of being a hero is to help other people not yourself duh didnt this guy watch Lost oh wait fuck anyway in the present day he sees his dad in the jungle and chases after him while Boone is moaning at him and Walt has a funny line that I remember lolin irl at where he runs up to Kate and says "that pregnant lady fell daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn" silly nigger and Kate wakes her up in a slightly homoerotic way

and according to Charlie "some git nicked the water" woah shit meanwhile Locke rescues Jack after he chases his dads ghost or some shit of a cliff

and they have a nice big gay hug afterwards I was kind of worried during this episode because I didnt want this show to get all supernatural and shit and be about ghosts that would be lame and Locke tells him how worried everyone is about the lack of water and gives him a speech on the island being special and I was taken a back for a while at how awesome this show was and then that night Jack follows his fathers apparition to find some caves with creepy dolls and water and a coffin and in his flashback he finds out his dad died in Australia and his dead body was coming home on the plane with him so he goes back to camp and everyone is about to beat up Boone for stealing the water prolly for his sister who was getting too hot aka sexy lmao and Jack gives this speech about living together dieing alone what a hero

that was another pretty amazing episode how heroic Jack is its really inspiring this whole show is amazing I thought man I was cumming my pants over this stupid water shortage Jack chasing his dad shit I made sure to see the next episode and it was almost all in Korean lmao
LOST 1x06: House of the Rising Sun
yuran shpropin special edition
First viewed: August 31th 2005

this episode had a shit load of subtitles not that I minded I was pretty amazed that for an american show half of it wasnt in english and you actually had to READ stuff anyway Jack, Kate, Locke and Charlie go to get water from the caves and get dominated by mean CGI bees

after running away from a shit load of bees trying to steal Charlies heroin to trip massive bee balls the group find some corpses holy shit they are like 50 years old one make one female their very own Adam and Eve as Locke puts it and Charlie makes a funny joke I remember lolin at when Kate takes off her shirt and says there were Bees in it he's like "morliek a couple of Cs" lmao and another funny bit was when Kate and Jack are walking back to camp Kate bends over and asks Jack if he's checking her out and its painfully obvious he isnt and she asks him what he's thinking and he starts talking about moving the group to the caves and she gets owned rofl meanwhile on the beach Jin beats the shit out of Micheal for being the dirty nigger that he is and tries to kill him and I thought it was pretty cool how Walt did more than cry like most kids on shittier tv shows would Walts always pretty cool unlike most 10 year olds on tv and movies who just cry and whine Walt says funny nigger stuff and he's like YO GET OFF MY NIGGA POP POP FOOL and Jin had to shove him away anyway after getting tackled by Sayid Jin gets chained to some wreckage with the marshals handcuffs and I thought it was pretty weird how Sayid talked about leaving him in the sun hmm anyway its later revealed that SUN CAN SPEEK ENGLISH WTF and she explains to Micheal that he found and wore the watch Jin was meant to be couriering to LA or something and in the flashback it was pretty romantic she even got a little dog out of it until Jin came home all bloodied after doing something for Suns father and I was like woah wtf and so Sun decides to run away to america and thats why she knows english and she had to remember what time to run away at jesus christ she says yuran shpropin so many times I know "eleven fifteen" in korean off by heart but she doesnt in the end cus she loves her hubby awww and there was some stupid shit with Locke getting Charlie to give him his heroin christ I hoped there wasnt a whole episode about that and in the end Micheal MEGA NIG RAGES

and gets this badass fireaxe and cuts Jins handcuff off idk why they didnt just unlock it I was wondering how long he'd have that on those were Kates handcuffs I think and he has one of them on his wrist for like a year anyway half the camp moves to the caves and I thought this stupid lord of the flies shit was the best thing I had ever seen a gook beating on a coon how can you get any better well next week I'd find out

LOST 1x07: The Moth
scott and steve special edition
First viewed: September 7th 2005

hilarity ensues when Charlie, going through heroin withdrawal, is used as bait by Locke to catch a boar lmao (find Locke in this screencap to get no prize what so ever)

there was a pretty interesting scene where Jin berates Sun for dressing in a slutty top but she totally stands up to him I thought that was pretty cool you go girl and hilarity further ensues when Charlie is trying to tell everyone how he was in driveshaft but Hurley is like whoops dc and acting like a right wanker so much so that he's practically wanking in Jacks face lmao and he yells "IM A BLOODY ROCK GOD" in a cave and there is a cave-in and Jack gets owned by loads of rocks so Charlie runs to the beach to get help and Micheal takes charge since he knows about structural construction or something more like he knows about leverage from stealing bikes and he brings Scott and Steve I mean Steve and Scott lmao these two no name faggots everyone gets mixed up speaking of no name faggots...

man those two faggots I bet they are gay together and noone can even remember their names anyway Charlie goes in and has to relocate Jacks dislocated arm I thought was well handled for such a cliche injury and then after they get their rock blackface nigger masks on he sees a moth which Locke had given him a massive tldr lecture about when Charlie was moaning about his heroin Locke was probably feeding to the bees from the last episode and the moth flys out and they are saved nice one faggot junky and his flashback is all about how he became adicted to heroin whilst being A BLOODY ROCK GOD

because his brother was taking heroin and he yelled at him so emo Charlie used heroin I think the moral of the story is that drugs are bad and then he goes to Australia to get his band back to together and his brother is like no chance mate fuck off and as Charlie walks off whining about his plane and I remember thinking hahah yeh you have a plane to catch alright owned and when something actually interesting happens it was about Sayid and Kate who dominated Sawyer to give her a laptop battery (guess thats all his limewire files gone lmao) and uhhh Shannon trying to find where this french transmission was coming from by setting up some antennas and Shannon actually manages not to fuck it up and since Kate legs it we assume Sawyer did his too but just as Sayid is about to find the radio tower we finally get to see two years later HE GETS HIT ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD BY A MYSTERIOUS ASSAILANT WOAH FUCK

so I was loving this show even though compared to the later seasons it was so boring I mean it was the best thing I had ever seen so far wedensday night was now my favorite night I didnt know how this show could get any better but it did
LOST 1x08: Confidence Man
torture special edition
First viewed: September 14th 2005


now let me tell you something I love its when humans do bad things to each other like there are basic primal things that are always funny like murder and rape but whats really awesome is torture which is always cool when random but its even better when there's some purpose behind it any animal can hurt another one but it takes a human to do it to for something like information and there was a fairly incredible scene in this episode that I loved because it turns out Shannon has asthma and Boone thinks Sawyer has her inhaler but gets beat up for looking through his shit let me tell you something if my sister had asthma and some hick faggot had her inhaler I'd give him this speech I have saved up for such occasions where I ask him if he has a myspace and if he loves it and gets loads of cute girls on it asking to cyber and all his mates message him on it and if it would be a little embarrassing if one day everyone checked your myspace and saw pictures of big black penises and your orientation said "not sure" and then I'd tell him if she doesnt do exactly what I say the first thing I do when I next so much as see a computer is HACK HIS GODDAMN MYSPACE SO HARD HIS MOMS MYSPACE FEELS IT but Boone doesnt do that he just gets lumped the fuck out well atleast he tried thats pretty romantic in an incest way anyway Jack is going into crazy Jack mode trying to be the hero and get Sawyer to tell him where the medication is and after Kate fails to get it from him in a pretty cool scene about Sawyers letter Sayid gets back from getting owned by a mystery attacker and when I first saw this and he said he wanted to find the man responsible I thought it was Kate who attacked Sayid because Sawyer was with her bottle rocket and she didnt want to leave the island since she was on the run and I still thought she was a badass serial killer or something radical but Locke convinces Sayid that Sawyer could have time delayed his bottle rocket and wrecked Sayids transmission finding shit so he fucking rolls on Sawyer who wakes up tied to a bamboo tree and Jack asks him for the medication and Sayid gives him a little talk about inserting bamboo shards under the fingernails which is a satisfactorily barbaric but Sawyer thinks he's bluffing and is and wants to be the hated faggot of the group and Sayid tortures him oh fuck

and Sawyer eventually agrees to tell only Kate after Sayid threatens to cut out his eye but he asks Kate for a kiss and she is like yeh ok and they kiss it was pretty hot I was like woah damn man I wish I could be Kate right then kissing Sawyer I MEAN UH THE OTHER WAY AROUND and he tells her he didnt have it and most girls who are pussies would just slap him I mean even though Kate said she was a vegetarian (I think I just heard stompleB cum his vegan pants lmao) she is pretty hardcore she fucking elbows him in the face but its ok Sun is an expert in herbology because uhhhh shes asian now before this episode I thought Sawyer and Sayid were both faggots Sayid was a bossy know it all I mean all he could do is fix radios fuck off and Sawyer was an unfunny jackass I mean he is so unfunny he might as well post on this forum but after this episode in that scene where Sawyer hands Kate his letter that was pretty cool he is actually a vengeful hardass not just some generic class clown and Sayid turns out to be a communications officer in many respects since he's a fucking torturer and fucking rolled on Sawyer but the B story about Charlie and Claires peanut butter was fucking retarded I though when Charlie pulled that shit with the empty jar he was back on heroin maybe licking a few toads but it was funny when he asks Hurley because he was fat if he had extra food and the flashback just showed that Sawyer was a conman not about a guy named Sawyer conning his parents and his dad killing his mom and himself and Sawyer becoming a con man and using Sawyer as his name I mean thats pretty awesome when I watched this I thought we'd NEVER get to see him find the real Sawyer but there was a nice incest subplot the way Boone cared for Shannon that was really romantic

oh yeh and at the start of this episode Sawyer comes out of the sea with his dick out lmao thats always a plus I SWEAR IM NOT GAY

LOST 1x09: Solitary
french BDSM special edition
First viewed: September 21st 2005

so I cant flashback hard enough to what TIME it was I saw this episode but it was late at night like 10 oclock or something well past my bed time and it was pitch black outside now I had been watching this show for 7 weeks and I was already pretty obsessed I thought about this show when I jacked off anyway all this stupid lord of the flys arguing about water and inhalers seemed pretty cool but I was about to get my mind and dick blown ok so Sayid left to go map the island which was actually a very fucking smart thing to do and he find some wire and followed it into the Jungle and we wouldnt see whats on the other end for like two years but I thought it was just a cord to lead people into this trap Sayid gets owned by but everyone made such a huge deal about this cable thing and how it was clear evidence that this show is being made up as it goes along well eat your words and my dick faggots anyway Sayid follows it and sees a trip wire and steps over it with his army training but stands on another one and he is captured by some woman oh shit hilarity ensues

he wakes up in some dugout and this woman screaming in french and other languages while she electrocutes him on a wire bed which was pretty erotic asking him about someone called Alex I was like wtf wtf wtf who is this woman she cant have been from the plane that crashed and who does she think Sayid is who the fuck is Alex anyway after shocking Sayid a few times he tells her why he's there and she starts to listen to him when he tells her he heard the french womans transmission oh right thats her WOAH FUCK THE FRENCH WOMAN WHO LEFT THAT DISTRESS CALL IS STILL ALIVE holy shit and he tells her a story about his gf Nadia who he has flashbacks about who died or something and she believes his story about the plane crash WTF WHO ELSE WOULD HE BE?! so she gives him a sedative with a big scary needle and he wakes up chained to a chair a little less erotically than the bed and she wants him to fix her music box so he does while she tells him how her science expedition(armed with rifles)s boat crashed on the island 16 years ago and she starts raving about "Others" who the fuck are the others? she says they are the other people but she never sees them she only hears them ...hears them whisper in the jungle and she asks if he think she's insane in a very insane manner but they hear a roar and she says if they're lucky it will be one of the bears and then asked if its the monster she says "there's no such thing as monsters"

and Sayid escapes after nicking some radical maps the french woman who's called "Danielle Rousseau" according to her and her jacket made and he takes a rifle too but when he has a mexican standoff with frenchy in the jungle it turns out she removed the firing pin when she killed her husband and all her friends because they were "sick" wtf and after an emotional rant about being alone which was emo she lets Sayid go back to his camp and refuses to go with him and they were up to loads of fun without him because they were enjoying such pasttime activities as meeting a very nice survivor called Ethan, treating hypochondriacs, drawing bamboo aquaducts with niggers, hanging out with your hot bikini clad sister on the beach, and playing golf

yes thats right Locke and his new friendly hunting mate Ethan found some clubs from the plane crash and Hurley build a golf coarse and everyones invited to play whether they be a rash covered whiner, a nigger, a doctor, a fat beaner, a hobbit junkie and there's always better to be had for your local con men and fugitives yeh I still thought Charlie being a hobbit was funny in 2005 cry me a river queer and I was still wondering what Kate had done man I hoped it was something awesome she is so hot anyway Hurley was right I thought they needed something fun to do other than punch and stab each other all day and that faggot moaning about his rash what a queer and that was pretty funny when Micheal and Jack were being all serious and they were just playing golf I remember lolin at that but Walt goes off and hangs out with Locke knife throwing while everyone was playing fucking golf and when Sawyer turned up and bet against Jack and Boone and Kate took some of that action or whatever to get some sunblock and that hypochondriac guy bet his dinner Jack probably lost on purpose because he is so heroin "the island open" funny stuff

and Sayids flashback was ok it was about him in the Iraqi military having to torture this cute girl he knew from school but he saved her before she was about to get executed by killing his superior and shooting himself in the leg and saying she escaped he's pretty heroic but the best part was when I was just about to switch off the TV before going to bed and I am flashing back to this right now I was standing up with the remote in hand and I put off the light and it was pitch nigger skin dark outside and Sayid is walking through the jungle and its windy as fuck and he starts to hear things in the wind... someone... talking... ...whispers...

EREH FO TUO TEG MIH TEL TSUJ YDAERLA HCUM OOT NEES SEH SLEET EH FI TAHW MIH OT KAEPS TSUJ DLUOC ON JESUS DOGSUCKING CHRIST I FUCKING SHIT PISSED AND CAME MYSELF AT THE SAME TIME THIS SHIT IS OFF THE HOOK
holy god I was too scared to sleep for an entire week until I watched...

LOST 1x10: Raised by Another
rape time special edition
First viewed: September 28th 2005

this episode opens with a scene that left me shitting bricks even more than last episodes ending Claire wakes up not pregnant which was jarring as fuck and she hears a baby crying and she goes and meets Locke playing with tarot cards in a table in the middle of the jungle with one eye white and the other black holy shit

and then she finds a crib with a mobile over it with the Oceanic Airlines plane holy shit and she uncovers the baby but oh my shit THE CRIB IS FILLED WITH BLOOD AND SHE WAKES UP SCREAMING FROM HER NIGHTMARE AND HER HANDS ARE COVERED IN BLOOD AHH well it turns out she was just so scared she cut the palms of her hands with her fingernails and Jack says that she'll give birth soon to Kate as she's busy sinking into the sand and he says thats her new island escape plan ahahaha stupid bitch and Charlie hits on Claire during a cup of tea

by telling her about a dream where he was driving a bus with his teeth falling out and his mum was eating biscuits and everything smelled like bacon nice chatup line bro and she has another nightmare about some dude attacking her and instead of raping her stabs her stomach with a needle so she wakes up screaming and Charlies right there calming her down and Jack and Micheal and Ethan are there too trying to comfort her everyone goes looking for mr. rapist but they dont find shit and Hurley starts a census so the next day he does he he goes to ask that Ethan guy who says he's from Canada and his last name is Rom seems like a nice guy then he asks Shannon and Boone and she gives her address as "Craphole Island" LMAO and when he says Claire got attacked she is like "NO WAY IM MOVING TO THE RAPE CAVES" and Hurley gets the flight manifest and Claire is trying to walk to the beach and Charlie is stoping her in the middle of the jungle and she starts having contractions oh fuck and he tries to count them by saying "one sugarplumfairy two sugarplumfairy" lmao and he blurts out that he was a drug addict and gets light headed showing her how to breathe he runs to get Jack but bumps into Ethan who he tells to go get the doc and runs back to Claire and she talks about her flashback which was about when she found out she was pregnant and her artfag bf

tries to say that it could be a false positive like how they thought his uncle had testicular cancer and Claire says "HE DID HES DEAD!" lmao and he tries to say it could work but like a typical man he walks out on her ugh men and her chinky friend takes her to a psychic who refuses to give her a reading wow I was thinking he was a real psychic and he saw where she'd end up but on her second reading he goes on a rant about how she cant let it be "raised by another" HMM and then he bothers her for the next few months not to give the baby up for adoption and when she's about to sign it over to a suspiciously friendly couple her pens wont work and she backs out and then the psychic says that there is a couple of "good people" in LA she can give the baby to and she wonders why he says its ok to have the baby raised by other people now so she agrees and goes to LA which was cool because usually we ask why the characters were in australia but with Claire we ask why she was going to LA anyway I thought that was weird and when she told Charlie this he said maybe the psychic knew that she'd crash on the island and have to raise the baby herself and he made sure she did wtf this show is fucking crazy this shit blew my mind back then she saw a psychic and I wondered hmm maybe he was in on some conspiracy but back at the caves Ethan doesnt turn up its Sayid and Jack starts treating him while he babbles he heard people in the jungle and "we're not alone!" and Hurley comes waddling in with his list and manifest and says there's a problem because he got the list of everyone who survived the crash and checked the manifest and finally gets Jacks attention when he says "one of them isnt in the manifest HE WASNT ON THE PLANE!" cut back to Charlie and Claire and "hello there.."

HOLY SHITS ITS ETHAN HE WASNT ON THE PLANE WTF AND HES GONNA RAPE CLAIRE AND PROBABLY CHARLIE TOO WHAT THE FUCK HE ISNT A SURVIVOR WHO IS HE HOLY MOTHER OF CHRIST I loved that scene so much I had to make a ytmnd about it lmao
http://rubyvskassius.ytmnd.com/
woah that made me fucking freak the fuck out back then ok first of all woah woah wow why wasnt he on the plane what and why is he after Claire I thought he was just some rando survivor like that rash guy or Steve and Scott oh my god THIS SHOW IS SO AWESOME I THOUGHT IT COULDNT GET ANY BETTER BUT IT DID I FUCKING LOVE THIS SHIT so after that episode I was so fucking blown away that I just HAD to look Lost up on the internet and I thought the easiest place to avoid spoilers was the message board I called my home on IGN and I made one little rape joke and the nazi mods banned me for two whole fucking months jesus christ and an admin told me I was on my 30th ban and the next time he'd just perma ban what a fag cant take a little rape joke A PREGNANT WOMAN GETTING RAPED HOW IT THAT NOT FUNNY so I looked up that the next one was a Jack episode wow he is so heroic and that week I had to go to a school board meeting where they tried to convince me to go back to school and I was really really nervous and didnt want to go in case they made me attend school again and I was like "oh man what would my hero Jack do if he was scared he counts to five and then gets on with it" so I counted to five and let the fear in and quivered behind my real life and then I went to this meeting and didnt go to school lmao fucking owned man fuck education I was learning more about life from Lost and I couldnt wait for the next episode

LOST 1x11: All The Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues
CPR special edition
First viewed: October 5th 2005

we open with everyone at the caves realizing Claire, Charlie and Ethan are missing and they suspect the worst so Jack immediately fearlessly rushes out into the jungle with Locke behind him looking for footprints and torn leaves and snapped branches for a trail and they find Claires bag and Locke talks about what if there are other people on the island so he goes back to get Kate and Boone who form a search party who catch up with Jack who's been running in circles trying to be a hero which he is and his flashbacks were all about how some woman died on the operating table even though Jack tried CPR for ages

because his dad was drunk and botched a surgery and he tries to get Jack to lie on the official statement but Jack finds out she's pregnant and his dad tries to tell him its all about the greater good but Jack STANDS UP to him and turns his dad in who loses his license he even turned in his own father and back in real time Walt talks to Sawyer about the current sitch (Kim Possible reference did you miss it bet you did like anyone is even reading this lmao) and Sawyer thinks Ethan just lied about his name but Walt thinks thats stupid (owned James) and that Ethan could have been on the island before they got there and there could be loads of other people there and Sawyer is like "so a tribe of evil natives planted a ringer in the camp to kidnap a pregnant girl and a reject from VH1 has beens fiendishly clever and why am I getting the 10 oclock news from a 6 year old" and Walt tells him to go ask Sayid so he does and he gets told about hoe Sayid met the french woman and says there are other people on the island and Walt plays backgammon with Hurley and gets perfect rolls each time and wins $20,000 by the end of it lmao

and Hurley says he'll get it wtf and Walt mentioned that he's had two fathers I bet Hurley thinks Micheal is gay and has a husband back home thats what I thought lmao gay niggers and back in the jungle Locke wants the doctor to go back to camp but Jack refuses because he never believed Claire when she said someone attacked her and they find the L from the LATE Charlie had written on his fingers and they find the A and Kate reveals that she knows about tracking from her father who was in the army so she goes with Jack following the finger bandage letters and Locke and Boone go following a trail that could be the real one because they think the letter trail might a "dummy trail" as Kate calls it and the two guys talk about Star Trek and how the guys in the red shirts who arnt main characters always die while Boone marks their trail back with torn up red shirt strips and Locke says "sounds like a piss poor captain" and Boone guesses he used to be a taxidermist or a hitman and Locke says he worked as a regional collections supervisor for a box company lmao and Boone tells him he works in his mothers wedding firm and Locke says its about to rain in a minute and tells Boone to go back before it gets dark but he refuses AND THEN IT STARTS RAINING LIKE LOCKE SAYS IT WOULD WTF THIS SHOW IS SO CRAZY and Kate and Jack find the T as it starts raining and Jack hears Claire scream but Kate doesnt and I was thinking "hmm that could be like those whispers uh oh" and then Jack falls down a hill into a puddle and OH SHIT ITS ETHAN ETHANS RIGHT THERE

AND HE STOMPS ON JACK AND TELLS HIM TO STOP FOLLOWING HIM OR HELL KILL ONE OF THEM BUT JACK STANDS UP TO HIM AND THROWS HIM OFF AND TRIES TO PUNCH HIM BUT ETHAN OWNS HIM AND JACK STILL GETS UP AND TRIES TO HIT HIM BUT ETHAN LUMPS HIM THE FUCK OUT AND SAYS "NO MORE WARNINGS!" I FUCKIN SHAT MYSELF! I loved this fight scene so much I needed to make a ytmnd about that too
http://rubyvskassiusstomp.ytmnd.com/
http://rubyvskassiuspuddle.ytmnd.com/
man oh man I didnt fucking expect that I didnt think we'd see Ethan again for ages but there BAM he was there and there was that fucking intense and gritty fight scene holy shit and then Kate wakes up Jack and he gets up and runs after Ethan only to find Charlie hanging by his neck and in a he holds him up and Kate cuts him down and Jack starts CPR I learnt it in Home Economics class I had to give another boy mouth to mouth lmao and Jack gives Charlie mouth to mouth and tries to get him breathing and he's pumping at his chest and hes doing compressions for ages but there's no response and Jack starts punching Charlie in the chest and I thought he was just punching a corpse now and so does Kate and she pulls him away and he almost gives up

BUT NO he starts again and hes punching Charlie in the chest so hard he's braking ribs and he's not fucking giving up and I was thinking how sad this was Charlie died with those vines he was hanged on around his head like a halo and Jacks still trying to save him but OH SHIT CHARLIE WAKES UP AND STARTS BREATHING OH MY GOD HES ALIVE HOLY SHIT JACK SAVED HIM NICE ONE oh man oh man I cried watching that SO WHAT OF IT I CRIED WATCHING THAT SCENE WHAT and back at the caves the first thing Charlie says is all that they wanted was Claire oh man oh man what is this show about there are natives on this island or something jesus god and Shannon tells Kate she's worried about her brother oh man I knew it they are in love cute incest couple and Kate says if there's anyone Boone's safe with its Locke har har yeh right and hes wanting to go back and Locke wants to keep going looking for Claire so he throws his torch to Boone but he misses catching it but it falls and makes this metallic clank wtf so they go to investigate and Locke taps it with his knife and says its steal and Boone asks if its a part of the crash wreckage so Locke hits it with his knife handle and it makes a deep hollow clunk and Boone asks what it is and Locke says that's what we're gonna find out

WAIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS FUCKING METAL STRUCTURE IN THE JUNGLE FLOOR THIS SHOW IS SO CRAZY THAT IT HAS TO HAVE A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE HOOK THATS HOW OFF OF IT IT IS
that was so cool but I knew I couldnt look Lost up online without getting spoiled and I needed somewhere else new to post so it was that night that I found the ytmnd forums and the first thread I saw on this forum was titled "so two niggers are sitting on the wall outside my house eating water melon should I lynch them" I knew I had found my new home and when I read it the first thing I saw was how fucking massive everyones sigs were and I saw some cute forum girls and fags who thought they were bigshot posters like ozone and kassius and when I started to post I had this raged asian guy as my avatar it was so funny and everyone said I was trying too hard and they were like "RUBY FUCK OFF BACK TO IGN" but I couldnt I was banned lmao but then I made a post about how hot my sister was and how I wanted to fuck her and someone laughed at me so I thought maybe I would be ok posting here...


LOST 1x12: Whatever the Case May Be
guns lots of guns special edition
First viewed: October 12th 2005


I was excited when I learned that this was a Kate episode maybe we'd find out what she did I still had my money on hardcore serial killer but her flashback was weird I thought she was a photographer in a bank robbery who fakes not being able to use a gun and one of these fags in a mask takes her into a backroom I thought he was going to rape her but it turns out she's in on it and they're just trying to get the manager to open the vault and when he does there is a pretty awesome little gunfight here Kate grabs one of the three other bankrobbers guns on her bf who is about to kill the manager and she shoots him in the leg and with the gun still pointing at him she picks up his gun and shoots the other robber who comes in in the leg and then the guy who she took the gun from tries to rush her and she shoots him in the arm with his own gun with the other guys gun still pointed at the guy who just ran in oh man I was like WOAH THATS A PRETTY BADASS BITCH RIGHT THERE

so she pulls out some gunkata and wrecks three fags wow more like gunkate and she gets the manager to open safety deposit box number 815 I was like woah fuck isnt that the plane number then and wow whats in that because thats what the whole episode is about and how Kate and Sawyer went swimming in a lagoon they find while Kate's up a tree as per usual getting stalked and she throws a rock at sawyer and this was the first time I noticed his funny "aww" he is actualy pretty unintentionally funny like when Kate is like ME KATE ME THROW ROCK and owns his knee anyway they are messing about and Kates looking good in her thong and Sawyers looking buff with no shirt on very cutsey like until they see something and I was getting creeped out and WOAH

OH FUCK ITS TWO CORPSES STILL IN THEIR PLANE SEATS
so Sawyer grave robs them and they find this case that he takes and for the rest of the episode Kate tries to get it back in various amusing ways she tries to get it while he's sleeping but he grabs her ontop of him and SHE HEADBUTTS HIM LMAO dominated and the next day some boring shit happens with Sayid helping move the camp up the shore because the tides coming in and washing up all the fuselage wreckage aww I'll miss that it looked so cool and what Sayid is also doing is trying to figure out all those maps he nicked from Frenchy with the help of Shannon who's topless at the start and Sayid tries flirting with her by telling her how close to the equator they are rofl and she translates the french which turns out to be the lyrics from the credits song of Finding Nemo (the cartoon about fish you know one of the computer ones) and she sings it for him and Boone is raged I'd hack his myspace with his own laptop and his shitty radio to connect to da net

anyway then Sawyer tries dropping it off a cliff but KATE RUNS UP AND NICKS IT LMAO RUINED rofl Sawyer is like "goddamn it wah" but he catches her and pins her down in prime rape position and she tries to headbutt him but fails BUT SHE HEADBUTTS HIM AGAIN LMAO and she cant get it from him so she goes to tell Jack whats in the case and its the marshals case that had some boring shit in it and 4 9MMS WITH A FEW BOXES OF AMMO, GUNS? GUNS now when I first saw this I thought she was lying so they have to dig up the marshals body to get the key from his wallet and Jack trolls Sawyer until he gives the case to him like a right badass and they open it and find 4 HANDGUNS OH SHIT

so she was telling the truth but there's also an envelope the one she stole from the bank I think and in it is a little toy plane that she cares more about than the guns and Jack asks what it is and she says it belonged to the man she loved now I was kind if disappointed in this episode because her flashback wasnt about what she was on the run for I mean sure robbing a bank but she only injured people and it was the robbers she was with but then again I loved this episode because it introduced 4 handguns into the fray ace and then Kate blurts out IT BELONGED TO THE MAN I KILLED fuck yeh thats what I'm talking about damn it Kate is such a sexy murderess

LOST 1x13: Hearts and Minds
FUCK YEAH INCEST special edition
First viewed: October 19th 2005

this episode opens with Boone watching Sayid flirting with his sister if some paki gave my sister some shoes I'd tell him to fuck off back to india on his magic carpet

and his flashback was about a phone call from Shan and she's fighting with someone and screaming and she says she's in Australia oh fuck if some Australian jackass was giving my sister shit I'd think about the internet so hard I'd transform into pure information and then I'd jump through my cell phone and emial myself to Australia jump out this faggots computer and hack his myspace from his own comp and kick his ass at the same time but Boone takes a plane and Shannon tells him to fuck off but sneaks him a flash of a bruise she has motherfucker if my sister flashed me so much as her facebook profile with a swastika defacing its grafitti wall I'd ffff HACK SOME GODDAMN MYSPACES FUCK but Boone just goes to the cops and he tells this cop that Shannon is his step sister and they arnt blood related he was obviously lying thinking it would help but this faggot cop doesnt care and makes a joke about the dating police fff if some fff I'd hack his fucking myspace and all FUCK and then Sawyer is taken behind Boone because he's getting arrested in Australia wow that was the most amazing thing ever to me back then A FLASHBACK CROSSOVER WTF anyway Sawyer I'd hack his myspace too that inhaler stealing fuck so Boone tries to pay Shannons bf off to leave her but he doesnt and it turns out Shannon set him up for the money which her bf stole anyway and when Boone comes to pick her up her bf lumps him out IF SOME PUNK ASS BITCH LUMPED ME OUT INFRONT OF MY SISTER UGH HIS MYSPACE NRG so Boone goes up to Sayid and tells him to back the fuck up and fuck the hell off from his sister and Sayid is like what if I dont ALRIGHT IF THAT PAKI WAS FLIRTING WITH MY SIS AND I TOLD HIM TO BACK OFF AND HE GAVE ME SHIT ID GIVE HIM MY MYSPACE SPEECH WHERE I ASK HIM YEH YOU GET THE DRILL anyway that was cool the best bits yet to come and there are some dumb subplots like Hurley and Jin who pissed on his foot and Sayid learning that Locke was in a webelo where you learn bondage porn knots and gives him a compass thats way off that freaked me out wtf is there a magnet on the island? Kate telling Jack about Suns garden and Kate finding out that she speaks english

but the cool shit happens over at this metal plate they found which turns out to be a hatch... A HATCH IN THE GROUND HMM and they are discussing how to open it and after Locke gives a speech about Michelangelo sucking Davids dick with no hands he asks "how do you open a hatch that has no handle no latch no discernible way of opening it" I literally thought "HMM MAYBE ITS MEANT TO BE OPENED FROM THE INSIDE AND THERES ANOTHER WAY IN" fucking dumbasses and Locke gives Boone shit about Shannon and them lumps him out and Boone wakes up tied up like in some bondage hentai so that if he tries to bend forward it puls his left arm behind him and Locke smears some jenkem on the wound on the back of his head and throws a knife infront of him and walks off and Boone wakes up lated to the sound of his sisters screams holy shit and WOAH FUCK ITS THE MONSTER OH SHIT BOONE THAT BIG SCARY MONTER IS GONNA RAPE YOUR SISTER WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT SON so he reaches down and strains really hard and FUCK YEH HE GRABS THE KNIFE AND CUTS HIMSELF FREE WAY TO GO BOONE HIGH FIVE BRO and he goes to find his sister fucking tied to a tree too JESUS CHRIST IF SOME BALD CUNT TIED MY SISTER TO A TREE AHHH HIS MYSPAAACE so they leg it but WOAH FUCK THE MONSTERS CHASING THEM AND THEY HIDE IN SOME TREES HOLY SHIT HES HUGGING HIS SISTER WHILE THIS MONSTER WITH THE WEIRDEST FLOATING SHADOW EVER IS RIGHT BESIDE THEM HOLY GOD and it leavOH FUCK ITS BACK RAMMING THEM OH SHIT HUG UR SIS DUDE HUG UR SIS so after it fucks off he tells her they found a hatch (yes a door in the ground) and that he's the beITS THE MONSTER THE MONSTERS BACK IT RIPS UP A TREE OH SHIT ITS GOT SHANNON HOLY SHIT SAVE HER BOONE but instead he has a flashback to the time HE FUCKED HIS OWN SISTER

HOLY FUCKING SHIT IF SOME MONSTER FAGGOT KILLED MY SISTER WHO I FUCKED IT PROBABLY DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHAT MYSPACE IS ID HACK ITS MYSPACE SO HARD IT WOULD HAVE ONE SHIT HERES ALL THE FAGGOTS WHOS MYSPACES ID HACK IF I WAS BOONE RIGHT NOW: HER AUSTRALIAN FAG BF THAT PAKI SAYID THAT JACKASS SAWYER AND THAT NIGGER MONSTER BUT ID ESPECIALLY WRECK THAT BALD CUNT TOO FUCK THAT GOT ME DINORAGED
and thats what Boone does he goes to fucking kill Locke and he asks him if his sister died in his arms why isnt there any blood on him and he looks over and his sisters ok and flirting with Sayid again TURNS OUT HE WAS JUST TRIPPING MASSIVE BALLS ALL ALONG AND THE MONSTER NEVER RAPED HIS SISTER TO DEATH LMAO NICE PRANK LOCKE it was that jenkem Locke gave him and he felt releved when he saw his sis die because he is gay for Locke so he becomes his bumbud well that was that episode and it was probably my favorite episode ever because it was all about incest rock on fuck yeh

LOST 1x14: Special
niglet special edition
First viewed: October 26th 2005

I remember thinking this episode was kind of underwhelming other than the shit with the polar bear because the flashback was boring about a nigger who lost his niglet and got hit by a (pretty white) car and wrote a postcard to little baby Walt with the joke "what's black and white and red all over? A PENGUIN WITH SUN BURN!" terrible and then Walt got psychic powers and killed a bird (HOLY SHIT HE KILLED A BIRD WITH PSYCHIC POWERS) and probably his nig mom and his whitey father got scared and gave him to Micheal who had to go to Australia to bring his niglet and his whitey dog home and the entire B story line was pretty much just Charlie punching Sawyer in the knife wound making him go "aww" (and he hits like a ponce lmao) and then trying not to read Claires blog I mean diary lol

the main story was about Walt hanging out with Locke who Micheal probably thought was a pedophile (all whities are) and getting taught how to throw knifes so his nigger pop gets up in Lockes honkey grill and Boone tackles him rofl and Micheal is ready to gash both their cracker asses but really he just doesnt want his son to grow up on the island so he tells Sayid, Jack and uhh Shannon who are busy trying to translate Frenchies map (yes the fish song shut up Shannon)

that he is going to build a raft (Shannon gets seasick lol I love her) now when I saw that I was like "fuck yeh a raft thats an affirmative goddamn action nigger there son" so he gets his nigger son who's reading a comic book about polar bears in spanish to help him get materials for building a raft but its boring so Walt legs it after Locke and Boone and Shan have an interesting discussion she tells him about the raft idea and she might want to help build it and if he'd like to help her and he is like no thanks what a faggot she was totally coming onto him what a queer he is so he goes to suck Lockes dick but Walt beat him to it and Micheal throws a nigger rage fit but so does Walt he says he isnt his father and his pop throws his polar bear comic book into the fire so he runs off with his dog and its about two seconds before his dog runs off and Walt finds something else looking for him and once Micheal has established that Locke isnt raping his kid they go look for it while Boone just fucks off (prolly jackin it thinking of Locke instead of his sis) and they find Walt HOLY SHIT HES GETTING ATTACKED BY A CGI HONKEY POLAR BEAR ITS LIKE FUCK NIGGERS COONS BACK TO AFRICA ALL NIGGERS MUST DIE OH SHIT

THIS CGI POLAR BEAR IS CRACKER RAGIN
and they climb over the tree Walts hiding in and he gets givin a knife and he tries slashing the bear but fails and Micheal goes down and helps Walt up to Locke and he gets the knife and he's like OOK OOK OOK KILL WHITEY! AND STABS THE POLAR BEAR FUCK YEAH!! after that awesome CGI polar bear Walt probably manifested with his psychic powers Micheal shows his son his unfunny postcards which he rightfully says are "dumb" his exact words and Locke and Boone are out blowing their shitty dog whistle and instead of finding him they find another bitch (Vincent is played by a girl dog Madison btw) UH OH SOMEONES WALKING OUT OF THE JUNGLE WOAH FUCK ITS CLAIRE!!!

LOST 1x15: Homecoming
rolled on special edition
First viewed: November 2nd 2005


so last time on Lost this bitch came stumbling out of the jungle and tbh this episode was kind of disappointing Charlies flashback was boring as fuck it was about how his band failed miserably and how he was addicted to heroin and tries to romance a woman to steal her fathers (who's buying a paper company in Slough) winston churchill fag case for drug money and he tries to get a real job but fails terribly and barfs in a C815 photocopier lmao and I thought this episode started with a bit of a cop out when Claire has amnesia wow how very convenient for story telling and I thought that was totally unrealistic and we'd never find out where she'd been for two weeks and how she got away I thought she was released I mean how can a pregnant woman escape jack shit but it was funny how she couldnt remember shit and Charlie told her that they were bffs I was lolin at that what a loser but he neglected to tell her how when he was talking to his Korean mate in the jungle ETHAN POPS OUT OF NOWHERE AND OWNED JIN WITH SOME WEIRD SLINGSHOT SHIT AND THEN TROLLS CHARLIE AGAINST A TREE

"YOU BRING HER HERE IF YOU DONT IM GOING TO KILL ONE OF THEM AND THEN ILL KILL ANOTHER AND ANOTHER AND CHARLIE... ILL KILL YOU LAST"
that shit was so intense I had to make a ytmnd about it rofl:
http://rubyvskassiusbaton.ytmnd.com/
man I loved the music during that scene I was on the edge of my seat I thought Ethan was so fucking badass during that confrontation the way he held Charlie up against that tree while going on his rant about killing people and then he brought him down to eye level and said he'd kill him last holy shit I have to admit that was quit erotic I swear I'm not gay and then Locke is treating this like one of his war games talking about Ethans people wanting them to get in one place so they can rape them and they decide to tell everyone and I also notice in retrospect how much everyone says the word "others" meaning the other survivors Kate wants to get the guns out and I thought that was rad yeh get the guns out and roll but Jack refuses so they settle for knifes and some makeshift spears and some alarm traps Locke set up where a trip wire drops a bag of cans onto a metal plate lmao nice but Boone falls asleep guarding and wakes up to find Vincent tripping the can alarm I almost shit myself I thought it was Ethan and Boone was going to fight him lol and Sayid is like "looks like we found another missing castaway" well the can alarm tripping dog is a good replacement for

HOLY SHIT STEVES DEAD ETHAN KILLED HIM OH GOD ST -UH I MEAN SCOTT OH GOD SCOTTS BEEN MURDERED OH LORD
and it becomes aparent that Ethan came in from the ocean jesus and he pretty much beat Scott to death and snapped his neck and at some point broke all the bones in his fingers jesus christ and Sawyer gets him mixed up with the other no name fag Steve oh man and at his funeral we learn Scott worked for an internet company and won a holiday wow rip bro and Jack shows Locke the guns and Locke looks like a pedophile in a playground I guess he hunts with more than just knifes that was pretty neat the way he checks the gun and gets that dumb grin on his face and idk how Jack knows how to use a gun probably from playing css with his aimbot off and they get Sayid since he's actually the only one known to be trained to use a firearm and Charlie wants to come but being a britfag hes never even touched a gun and there's at least one polar bear that seems to think Sawyer can handle a gun I guessed from being a conman and mixing with a lot of criminals and he has the empty gun from the marshal that takes 9mm ammo for Kate who is a hardcore murder so hot and Claires the bait so the A-team all get ready to roll on Ethans punk ass

this scene was so awesome I had to make ytmnds about literally the whole thing
http://rubyvskassiusteam.ytmnd.com/
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http://rubyvskassiusgrapple.ytmnd.com/
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tbh the first time I saw that scene I was kind of disappointed I didnt have time to absorb how awesome the fight between Ethan and Jack was because of how lame I thought Charlie killing Ethan was for the following reasons:
  • Charlies never held a gun in his life and he fires this one like an expert
  • he says Ethan wouldnt have given them any information other than the fact that SAYID IS A PROFESSIONAL INTERROGATOR YOU DUMBASS
  • Ethan was a fucking badass and one of the best antagonists in the entire series and getting killed by that fucking junky hobbit was just demeaning and his storyline was my favorite part of season one in retrospect the rest of it was fucking boring
  • I'm pretty sure that fight scene was cut down a lot there were promo images of Locke and Ethan wrestling and afterwards we see Shannon treating a wound on Sayids arm I would have loved to see Ethan going through the two of them
  • ps im gay
but still UH OH ETHAN WHAT WAS THAT YOU JUST GOT ROLLED ON SON that was a pretty awesome fight scene and I was pretty impressed by how Heroically Jack just rushed Ethan and it was pretty much entirely up to him so that night I went to look up Lost on IMDb where I was posting a little bit on their retarded message boards because I was still banned on IGN and these guys on the ytmnd forums didnt seem to like me that much and I looked up Matthew Fox because he was such a great actor and my hero and what I saw made me literally rofl:

and the only forum I knew where I could set my own avatar was on the ytmnd forums I immediately made that image my avatar and thus began the legend that is ruby using Matthew Fox as his avatar holy shit

LOST 1x16: Outlaws
mean boar troll special edition
First viewed: November 9th 2005


this episode opens with a pretty shocking flashback about how Sawyers mother made him hide under his bed and while his father shot her dead and then sat down on his bed and killed himself and then the T-1000 terminator conned him into killing some random shrimp salesman who owed him money in Australia by telling Sawyer he was the man who conned his parents I was pretty taken a back by what he was like when he wasnt trying so hard to be a jackass with his lame jokes and he even got that letter out and he was encouraged to do this by someone I'll get to later and we learn Sawyers real name is James but the B-story was Hurley being scared of zombie Ethan and asking Sayid if he had gulf war syndrome (that was the other side) the main story was dumb as hell Sawyer and Kate hunting this boar that stole his tent tarp and when he chased after it and WOAH FUCK HE HEARS THE WHISPERS and then after Sayid trolls him about how the boar wants to go camping he doesnt tell him what he heard but WOAH FUCK HE HEARS THEM AGAIN and THAT BOAR FUCKING OWNS HIM lmao I bet the whispers are this boar trolling the survivors anyway Sawyer and Kate play a drinking game "I never" its a game where you say something you didnt do and if anyone playing has done it they take a drink it starts off lighthearted we find out Kate was married but then they start taking shots at each other and Kate says that Sawyer carrying around that letter is him not being able to get over his baggage (sorry since when was YOUR DAD KILLING YOUR MOTHER AND HIMSELF INFRONT OF YOU "baggage"?) and Sawyer says he never killed a man and Kate takes a drink and so does he and then there's another great scene of just people having a conversation Locke who says he was out looking for more wreckage (all he found was coffee) and tells a story about how his I'm now assuming step mother thought his step sister has been reincarnated into a golden retriever (isnt that the dog Vincent is hmmm) and he was implying that the boar is the man Sawyer mistook as the real Sawyer who conned his parents and they find the boars piglet and Sawyer NEDMs it basically

and when he finally finds the boar he doesnt kill it and there was actually great acting from the boar in that scene and this episode ends with a pretty great exchange between Jack and Sawyer that was super sweet and Sawyer starts by pointing the gun at Jack who's like "you trying to be funny?" lmao and he was so he gives Jack the gun back and they're being asses to each other like guys do and then Jack says "thats why the Red Sox will never win the series" and Sawyer remembers meeting another doctor who said that and talked about his problems with his son

that was really interesting because that only comes up later in this seasons finale when he tells him where he heard that from before that was when I realized how homoerotic Jack and Sawyer were together I bet they are both gay that was when I got my Lost theory: Jack and Sawyer are gay together btw I wanted to post that online but I was still banned from IGN but this ytmnd forum seemed neat everyone liked my incest jokes and a few people started calling me Matthew Fox because I'd had him as my avatar but people were still telling me to get back to IGN and they did this thing called "raids" and that night they picked this cancer forum and they were going to pretend to be from the IGN vestibule I thought that was kinda funny I just thought this forum was about cancer so I helped raid this forum and the next day I saw this:

and I was like HOLY SHIT SOMEONE KILLED THEMSELVES BECAUSE THEIR FORUM GOT RAIDED OH MY GOD and I realized this forum was for people with cancer oh lord I was shocked that people on the ytmnd forums would raid a forum to try and get people to kill themselves and I swore from that day forward I'd never let another weak internet user come to harm from mean trolls and rubycalaber the internet hero was born just like my hero Jack Shepard oh man

LOST 1x17: ...In Translation
WoW goldfarmer special edition
First viewed: November 16th 2005

I bet the pun of this episodes title went flying over your head this episode is about the chinks again the flashback was the same story as last chink episode but from Jins perspective but it was still all in Korean lmao

basically Suns father gives him his blessing to their marriage if he'll work as his "personal assistant" aka hitman but he fails to deliver a message correctly to this guy who gives him his daughters puppy who was watching Hurley on TV (on the news for being fat or something idk) that Jin later gives to Sun and her father sends this professional assassin to show Jin how to give a message but Jin saves the guy by rushing in and beating him the fuck up and thats why he came home with blood on his hands and he's been saying his dads dead but really his dads just a WoW goldfarmer lmao and back on the island shits getting Lord of the Flies when Micheals nigger-raft-mobile is set on fire and everyone suspects Jin because he was being a little too forceful with sun that morning and Micheal got involved and Jin was playing golf with rocks rofl and has burn marks on his hands and he runs off and Sawyer goes after him and when he brings them back Jack tries to stop Micheal from beating Jin but he gives in and everyone just stands around watching it was pretty distressing and things only get worse when Sun screams out in english "STOP IT LEAVE HIM ALONE HE DIDNT BURN YOUR RAFT HE WAS TRYING TO PUT IT OUT" and Charlies like "you speak english?!" and Hurleys like "didnt see that coming" lmao and noone believes her and Jin is appalled at her and everyone starts yelling until Locke shows up and yells "THEYVE ATTACKED US SABOTAGED US ABDUCTED US MURDERED US MAYBE ITS TIME WE STOP BLAMING US AND STARTED WORRYING ABOUT THEM WERE NOT THE ONLY PEOPLE ON THIS ISLAND AND WE ALL KNOW IT" that was pretty intense but its later resolved that it was Walt who burned the raft when Locke asks him why he did it and he says he's been moving about his whole life and he's in a place that he finally likes and Locke gets his pedophile grin and says he likes it too and wont tell and the B-story was about Shannon asking Locke for advice on her brother wanting her attention and not for her to give it to Sayid

lol at that random boar hanging in the background she ends up kissing the paki happy endings all around other than for the chinks because Jin moves to the beach away from his wife and for Hurley because once the ending montage is done to the tune of his CD player (this was in 2004 before everyone had iPods) ran out of batteries and he's like "son of a bitch" lmao looks like fatty needs some new batteries I wonder if thats what the entire next episode is going to be about

LOST 1x18: Numbers
4 8 15 16 23 42 special edition
First viewed: November 23th 2005

I watched this episode the day before my 15th birthday and I was literally more excited to see it than my birthday it is about them needing a battery so they look at Frenchies maps and discuss possibly going to the cockpit for one but Hurley looks at some of the notations and sees these numbers 4 8 15 16 23 42

and then he has a flashback I was lolin I couldnt believe fatty got a flashback and his beaner mother was giving him shit about how fat he was and how he never gets laid but then holy shit HE WINS THE LOTTERY WITH THOSE NUMBERS WTF and then his flashback is about how much bad luck he gets and he comes to the conclusion while chatin with his jew accountant that the numbers are cursed and turns out he got them from this dude he knows who's in a mental institution who says the numbers 4 8 15 16 23 42 over and over again while playing four in a row wtf I thought Hurley just knew this guy before he was in the nut house I didnt give it a seconds thought and this guy just mutters these numbers and when Hurley tells him he played his numbers to win the lottery he freaks the fuck out and screams about how he opened the box and while being dragged off by an orderly he yells that his mate Sam Toomey was the one who heard the numbers first so he goes to see his wife and she tells him he heard those same numbers 4 8 15 16 23 42 at a naval listening post and heard someone saying them in the static and he got cursed by them too wtf and he managed to stop it by killing himself holy shit weird I was freaking the fuck out and worried that Hurley was suicidal because of all the bad luck he got like some guy falling out a window (who everyone thought that was Locke oh he actually owned Lockes box company) and a shoe company he also owned burned down and his brothers girlfriend left him for a waitress (lmao whoops there we go thats the gay character on Lost Hurleys brothers girlfriend is a lesbian) and his new house burning down and him getting arrested holy shit

so on the island thats what the main story is about why he's freaking out about these numbers and Hurley goes to find the French woman right and Jack and Sayid and Charlie go after him and Hurley stands on some metal plate in the ground I thought it was another Hatch or something but its the trigger for a spike ball trap thing and he's like "dont worry guys IM SPRY" and he THIS SPIKE THING FLYS AT HIM AND HE LEAPS OUT OF THE WAY HOLY SHIT and they find this bridge built by either Frenchies people or Ethans people that freaked me out and the fatass manages to get across but Charlie almost dies when it collapses lmao

and then Jack triggers a booby trap in Rousseau's dugout and IT FUCKING EXPLODES HOLY SHIT what the fuck is this fucking Crash Bandicoot loads of jungle traps and shit this is off the hook son anyway Charlies yelling at Hurley for being so suicidal when A SHOT HITS THE TREE BESIDE THEM and they're like "uh are we getting shot a-" OH FUCK ANOTHER SHOT FLYS PAST and Hurley runs straight into the French woman holy shit and she's actually looking pretty hot tbh she's got that whole deranged jungle woman thing going on looking a little cute in a crazy way anyway she has Hurley at gun point and believes he's a survivor he's too fat to be an Other lmao and he rants about how he doesnt care about the monster it could be a pissed off giraffe and things are a little weird and he just goes along for the ride good old fun time Hurley but now HE WANTS SOME FREAKING ANSWERS and she explains to him that the reason her team crashed was because they picked up that broadcast that Sam Toomey and the crazy dude Leonard heard at the naval listening base and when her team found the radio tower near the "black rock" broadcasting those same numbers 4 8 15 16 23 42 and after she killed them all she changed it to her distress call and she says that she guesses the numbers are cursed too and he is so happy that someone finally believes him and doesnt think he's crazy and hugs her in a comical fashion then he goes back and is like "hey guys got a battery French chick says yo" and when they all go back to their beach Charlie tells Hurley he was a heroin junkie and Hurley tells him that back home he's worth 156 million dollars and the hobbit just marches off thinking he's joking around and Hurley sits thinking about how those numbers in the transmission that drove his friend insane when it was heard and who gave him the numbers for his winning lottery ticket that brought him so much bad luck was coming from the same island his plane crashed on and it was the same transmission on the same island and the same numbers that took the French womans boat off coarse and stranded her there too wtf then we cut to that hatch that Locke and Boone were excavating and it zooms in on the side of one of its edges and WOAH FUCK ITS THOSE NUMBERS 4 8 15 16 23 42 WTF THIS SHIT IS INSANE!!


LOST 1x19: Deus Ex Machina
falling up the stairs special edition
First viewed: November 30th 2005

so after that last episode that left me puzzled as fuck I mean cursed numbers what the shit this episode I remember being blown away by how fucking great it was it starts with Lockes flashback to him aprox 10 years ago working in a toy store up to pedophilic antics like teaching a small boy how to play mouse trap

and that red haired woman in the fur coat is following him in the parking lot while he's minding his own buisness reading a "LOST DOG" leaflet that I thought might be Vincent or something cool and he runs after her and gets knocked over by this golden whitish car hmm looks familiar I thought for a second that's how he got in his wheelchair and it turns out this woman is his mother and she says HE WAS IMMACULATELY CONCEIVED WTF but he hires a private eye that says she is insane and that she was institutionalized at Santa Rosa Mental Health Institute wait wasnt that the place Hurleys crazy numbers friend was at weird and he goes to meet his real father who makes jokes about how he must be God if his mother's right and they actually get along really well and his dad takes him hunting for the first time and shows him how to hunt with a rifle and his father has this really gay french hat I was thinking he must have learnt his other jungle skills somewhere else and it turns out his dad needs a kidney transplant so Locke offers to give him his I think its his left kidney and when they are laying in their hospital beds waiting for he operation Locke holds his dads hand and tells him "this was meant to be" oh man I guess his life wasnt so bad before he was in his wheelchair with fucking Randy giving him shit anyway back on the island

Boone and Locke are at this Hatch theyve dug up setting up this fucking trebuchet made of bamboo and logs and wreckage and wire he built and Boone doesnt even know how to spell it and Locke tells him it has a T at the end lmao and when they fire it and it slams this shard of wreckage into the glass window of the Hatch it shatters and sends this big chunk flying into Lockes leg and he doesnt even notice Boone has to point it out and that night he sets a stick on fire and presses it against the soles of his foot and doesnt feel it burning him wtf and the next day Boone comes up and starts shit about how they cant get in the hatch and its useless and the island isnt going to show them a sign and then Locke sees this small plane crashing woah wtf

and he looks over and WOAH MAN BOONE IS ALL BLOODY AND SAYING "THERESA FALLS UP THE STAIRS THERESA FALLS DOWN THE STAIRS" AND THERES SMASHING BEHIND LOCKE AND HIS MOTHERS STANDING IN THE JUNGLE POINTING AT THE WHERE THE PLANE WENT AND BOONES STILL TALKING ABOUT THERESAS STAIR ANTICS WITH STATIC IN HIS VOICE AND LOCKES BACK IN HIS WHEELCHAIR AND HE WAKES UP BAM IT WAS ALL A DREAM HOLY SHIT so he gets Boone up in the morning and tells him about his dream at the hatch and about how they need to find the beachcraft plane and how it will help them get inside the hatch and Boone asks "have you been using that wacky jenkem stuff that made me see my sister get eaten?" lmao but Locke tells him he heard Boone talk about a Theresa so the two "jungle buddies" as Shannon put it (not jungle bunnies) go looking for the little plane and the find a corpse dressed as a priest with niggerian money, a pen knife, gold teeth and packing a gun damn son and then Lockes legs start to give way and he admits that he was in a wheelchair and doges the question of why but tells him that when he got to the island he could walk again and Boone tells Locke that Theresa was his nanny who fell down the stairs because he kept calling her on the intercom or something and Locke starts laughing and Boones gets up in his face and is like "just what the hell is so funny?" lmao but Locke sees WOAH FUCK ITS THE PLANE FROM HIS DREAM

so Boone climbs up and gets in and it wobbles and this corpse also dressed as a priest falls on him jesus christ and all he finds is Virgin Mary statues filled with heroin and I thought "lmao Charlie will be glad to see those" and Boone yells down its just a drug smugglers plane and then he sees this radio and tries it and oh my god someones on the other end and the plane starts falling oh god but he tells them they're the survivors of the crash of oceanic flight 815 and the dude on the other end says "WE'RE THE SURVIVORS OF OCEANIC FLIGHT 815"

AND HOLY SHIT THEN THE PLANE FUCKING FALLS AND BOONE GETS ALL FUCKED UP OH SHIT jesus christ and Locke mans the fuck up and pulls Boone out and he's bloody and broken and he slings him over his shoulder and struggles his way back to camp oh my god and back there they have a pretty fucking funny B-story about Sawyer getting a headache from the noise of the rafts steady construction progress and Jack giving him a check-up (even though he has no insurance rofl) and asking him if he has STDs which he does lmao and it turns out Sawyer is just farsighted and Sayid randomly makes him some fucking glasses and Hurleys like "dude, looks like someone steamrolled Harry Potter"

and Sawyers like D: and Kates like :3 holy shit that was cute and she thanks Jack back at the caves for helping Sawyer and Locke comes in with Boone over his back and says he fell off a cliff and disappears and in his last flashback he wakes up after the operation to find his fathers left him and his mothers there to explain it was just a con and his father conned him into finding him and giving him his kidney and Locke cant believe his fathers betrayal and he goes to his house and he's not allowed in and he brakes down crying in his shitty little car with blood leaking out his back and I thought for a second again he was going to be in a car crash or something and damage his legs and he's beating up his car he's so angry and he just swerves over to the side and crys and crys and back on the island he's crouched over the hatch staring at the window that wont brake hammering away in futility at at crying his eyes out oh god and he's screaming that he doesnt understand and he doesnt know what he's supposed to do and he's in total despair it was probably the best scene in Lost ever and then

A LIGHT COMES ON INSIDE THE HATCH RIGHT IN HIS FACE... WOAH...


wow I was fucking blown away by that episode wtf is in that hatch I was thinking and whats up with these numbers man oh man I was loving this show and I really wanted to look it up online but I couldnt without getting dominated by spoilers and I was almost unbanned on IGN I just needed to send my unban request but tbh I really liked posting on these ytmnd forums and I remember I checked those forums and the raid for that week was WOAH FUCK THEY WERE GOING TO RAID THE VESTIBULE OH SHIT these forum bigshots had an evil plan to post this .exe file called snowflakes.exe that erased your harddrive woah shit and hide them in the urls of porn links oh wow man oh man but I was still banned on IGN how was I going to warn them not to click any links so I put my caps lock on and sent a warning to the mods in my unban request man oh man and I was unbanned that night and I managed to save the entire vestibule from getting ruined by snowflakes.exe because the mods were alerted but you know I didnt really like it there that much anymore I'd rather post on the ytmnd forums sure they're dicks but its the freedom you're allowed on those forums that lets them be dicks its not like IGN that's ruled with an iron fist so I decided even though I saved the vesti it was time to move on to a new forum home one where my incest jokes would be accepted as a harmless gimmick and I could post about sucking nigger dicks...

LOST 1x20: Do No Harm
bloody blood type special edition
First viewed: December 7th 2005

man this episode was an emotional roller coaster ride other than Jacks flashback which was about how he couldnt write his wedding vows when he was getting married to his wife I was pretty surprised about that I just assumed he was gay and he had had writers block because he is gay and doesnt love his wife he was probably just trying to please his father and him and his wife play the piano together oh yeh and she has a shirt with two 4s on it I keep seeing those fucking numbers everywhere since that Hurley episode I didnt know back then I'd become fucking obsessed with those numbers anyway he has to steal her vows to copy them and him and his dad had a nice talk while getting drunk by the pool side

and his wife was some woman who he did surgery on so she could walk again or something oh yeh he is a spinal surgeon I forgot that reminds me when Locke said that Jack wouldnt know the first thing about whats happening to him last episode when he couldnt walk well ironically Jack is the most qualified person on the whole island to understand Lockes problem lol anyway he gives a shitty speech about how he didnt fix his wife she fixed him yeh right so anyway this episode starts off where the last one started with Boone just being left with Jack all fucked up after being in a little plane that fell off a cliff holy mother of god he sends Kate to get alchohol from Sawyer and Hurleys about to faint and Jack is like "HURLEY I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU FAINT-" and Hurley is like "lord in heaven" and then BOONES LUNG COLLAPSES holy shit

and JACK STABS HIS LUNG WITH A FUCKING KNITTING NEEDLE and Kate fucking shits herself this is high octane this is my kind of shit worst case scenario medical situations man oh man and Jack promises Boone that he'll save him but he needs a blood transfusion but he needs to set his leg first and Sun gets a stick and Jack's like "we're a bit beyond herbal remedies" but its for him to bite down on and there's a really horrible scene where Sun has to hold Boone down while Jack sets his leg and Boone wakes up and starts screaming in agony and Hurleys sitting right outside this makeshift medical tent and then when Kate's running back to the caves with Sawyers drinks stash he gave her (she said he didnt have to come because there are enough "cooks" wtf) she falls over and brakes all the alcohol good going dumbass and she hears something in the jungle and when she investigates its oh fuck CLAIRES GOING INTO LABOUR SHES GOING TO HAVE THE FUCKING BABY and Kate tries to calm her down its really sweet and kind of romantic I bet Kate is gay too anyway and Charlie went around asking everyone their blood type but noone knows their bloody blood type and noone was a match for Boones A+ other than Jack who's a universal O and he has a rubber tube but no needle and bamboo isnt working so Sun goes to get him a fucking sea urchin and Jack looks at her like "lol wut" but its needles work so holy shit JACK GIVES BOONE A BLOOD TRANSFUSION WITH HIS OWN BLOOD OH MAN

and Jin is the only one who gives a shit about building the raft because Micheal is a lazy nigger and he is hammering away with the axe and he hears Kate yelling so he runs out to help I would have thought he would have brought the axe as a weapon just in case it was a polar bear rape attack or soemthing and he runs in like "oshi-" and she tells him to get Jack and he understands who he is and says "doctor" thats the second word he's said the first being "boat" when he helped Micheal build the second raft and he runs in and Jack learns that CLAIRES HAVING HER BABY WHILE HES POURING HIS BLOOD INTO BOONE AH SHIT so he goes into uber Jack hero mode and tells Charlie Kate will have to deliver the baby and they've to go and tell her how to deliver the baby and he has to get her status from Jin through Sun and this is the first time they've spoken in a few days and but the two run off and Boone starts to come around and tells Jack that Locke told him not to tell about the hatch and Jacks all up in his face I thought he was going to kiss him for a second lmao and Boone mutters about Shannon and passes out again and Jack's probably sad he wanted to suck his dick and Shannons actually with Sayid on a beach date and she tells him that HER BROTHERS IN LOVE WITH HER and that they arnt blood related w/e it was obvious they were meant to be full siblings its just the writers had to keep the jew censors happy and Jack comes to the conclusion that they need to amputate Boones leg where bloods pooling and he is going to cut it off with this big cargo compartment from the plane wreckage holy god

and Kate's trying to get Claire to push but CLAIRES HOLDING HER BREATH WHEN SHES MEANT TO BE PUSHING WTF lmao and in a great scene where Kate talks her around and calls her honey and tells her that she'll be ok and that the baby will love her and it was really homoerotic like this entire episode and Jack is just about to amputate Boones leg with this cargo compartments door even though Sun tells him he cant and he regurgitates a Locke quote "dont tell me what I cant do!" and just as he's about to slice Boones leg off WOAH FUCK BOONE WAKES UP

and he tells him he knows he's dieing either way and its ok if he just lets him go and he's letting Jack off the hook wow and Boones slowly dieing and Jacks right beside him it was so gay and Boone whispers... "tell Shannon... tell her I..." but dies before he can finish it oh jesus christ I literally cried OK I CRIED AT THAT SCENE WHAT OF IT HE DIED BEFORE HE COULD SAY HE LOVED HIS SISTER IN AN INCESTUOUS WAY AND IT MADE ME CRY THAT WAS THE BEST SCENE EVER oh man I think you have to watch that yeh

and at almost the exact same time Claire is giving birth it was pretty intesne and Kate can see its head and she pushes and pushes and ITS A BOY! SHE HAS A SON (we see a little flash of baby dick there but I wont post a screencap of that it would be cp lmao)

jesus christ I didnt know whether I was crying because I was sad or happy but then in the morning when everyone at the beach is happy about the new baby and congratulating Claire Jack has to go and tell Shannon and she's crying over her brothers corpse oh jesus christ wait is that a boner Boone has lmao he has angel lust for his sister I bet no but seriously this dude literally fucked his sister he's the real hero of this story rip bro rip and Jacks crying like a big baby like I was and Kate comes to talk to him about Boone dieing and Jack says he didnt... he was murdered and he marches off and she asks where and he says "to find John Locke"

LOST 1x21: The Greater Good
jihad special edition
First viewed: December 14th 2005

I was still as upset as Shannon that Boone died too bad I didnt have Sayid to comfort me and speak at his funeral for me but too good I didnt have fucking Locke turning up with his shirt still red from Boones blood and tries to explain he died a hero when they found that plane and he wouldnt get out because he was trying the radio
JACK FUCKING DONORAGES "WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU YOU SON OF A BITCH" HOLY SHIT and everyone has to drag him off Locke and Jack tells Sayid about Boone talking about the hatch and gets so raged that Kate has to sneak sleeping pills into his juice idk where she learnt that from she seems pretty expert at drugging people anyway this episode is a Sayid centric one because its about Shannon whining at him to kill Locke for her and his flashback was kind of racist because it was about terrorism and how the CIA picked him up and wanted him to infiltrate this old college mates terror cell and so he does and we learn that all terrorists do all day is eat pizza while playing half life

and have a kick about in the park

and he has to convince his friend who is having second thoughts about this whole jihad business of killing loads of innocent Australians that its the right thing to do or the CIA wont tell Sayid where his gf is and his friend ends up shooting himself dead just before the planned attack when Sayid tells him he's working for the CIA the only cool part was when he found that bug in the smoke alarm with the cigarette up to it and he wanted to know what will happen to his friends corpse because muslim men have to be buried in a certain way and not just cremated by the state and he tells them to delay the flight they booked him and he wasnt even meant to be on oceanic flight 815 because he stayed an extra day to give his friend a muslim burial anyway back on the island he gets Locke to take him to the beach craft and it was interesting that Walt is now scared of Locke and doesnt want to hang out with him probably because he had his shirt off and looked like a pedophile and he says his kidney transplant scar was a warwound anyway there is some great dialog between Sayid and Locke these two great tactical mind dancing with each other I thought this was great wait until I see him have convos with Ben anyway Sayid tastes a little but of the heroin and trips small balls and Locke asks him why he doesnt trust him if he showed him the plane when Sayids getting the planes radio to help make a distress signal for the raft and he says Locke has that gun so he gives it to Sayid and tells him he got it from the nigger priests corpse and Sayid says he only gave it to him because he caught him hiding it that only means he's adaptable so Locke offers to tell him something he didnt know about who attacked him and smashed his radio shit on the like fifth day they were there

that was Locke lol he was the one who jumped Sayid and fucked his transmitter shit up owned I thought that was Kate who did that that was my little theory but I guess it was Locke that dumbass so Sayid pulls his gat on him and asks about the hatch and Locke thinks he can lie to him and tells him Boone meant the hatches on the plane that was a great scene what else was great was the B-story about Charlie looking after the baby which he named "turnip head" lmao while Claire rests and Hurley tries singing "I Feel Good" at the top of his fatty lungs and turns out the baby likes Sawyers voice rofl and he gets his harry potter glasses on and reads a car magazine to the baby and its sooo cute how he isnt that good of a reader and he pauses a bit before reading big words like "integrated" and "sequential" aww he's so adorable I'm not gay I swear and Walt asks his dad about the raft and what happens if a shark attacks or they die and I thought "yeh right a shark attacking what a dumb niglet" and Jack wakes up and woah fuck the key to the guns around his neck is gone and I thought Kate stole it at first but turns out WOAH FUCK SHANNON STOLE A GUN

AND SHES GONNA BUST A CAP IN LOCKES DOME OSHI-
and Sayid tries to talk her out of it by telling her she's never fired a gun before AND THEN SHE JUST SHOOTS THE GROUND LMAO GUESS SHE HAS NOW so he just says "fuck it" and tackles her just as she shoots at Locke and for a second there I really did think he was dead there was a shot where he was just laying there but he wasnt the bullet just grazed his forehead and Shannon marches off in a huff lol and that night when he's treating his new wound Sayid comes up and demands to be taken to "the hatch" oh shit

LOST 1x22: Born to Run
platinum special edition
First viewed: December 21th 2005

this episode was mostly set up for the season finale in the guise of a who-done-it when our friendly neighborhood science teacher Dr.Arzt (what a dumb fucking name, who is this cunt anyway, some guy like Ethan who wasnt on the plane?) informs everyone that its monsoon season and they better launch the raft soon before the wind blows them to the antarctic and Micheal gets poisoned oh shit

the first suspect would probably be Locke (he was a member of the KKK lmao kill all niggers all niggers must die) but he was with Sayid showing Jack the hatch and when they get back they find out what happened and the first suspect is Sawyer who isnt doing any dumb shit today because the B-story is about Charlie talking about how extra-mega-famous he's going to be when they get rescued and how all his shitty songs will be PLATINUM by now and he'd make a big PLATINUM SPECIAL EDITION (the color for that was actually "DimGray" idk what color platinum is lol) comeback album with songs like "monster eats the pilot" well he's not too wrong anyway Jack comes to the conclusion that someone poisoned Micheals water bottle and Walt tells Locke that it wasnt him who made his dad sick because he thinks that Locke would think he did it because he burnt the first raft and Locke takes Walts arm like a pedophile and tells him they're friends and Walt freaks out and is like "DONT OPEN THAT THING!" and runs off he was probably talking about his tight nigger anus so Locke questions everyone and Hurley asks if Kate did it because she's a fugitive and Lockes like "uhhh Kate's a fugitive?" and Hurleys like "goddamn it idk who knows what Steve didnt even know about the polar bear" rofl neither did Micheal when they played golf noone gives a shit about the fucking polar bears and Sawyer thinks Kate did it to set him up because she was a right bitch and was like "I WANT YOUR SPOT, ILL GET YOUR SPOT" holy shit when I heard that I thought she was threatening to kill him and she obv knows about drugging people from when she drugged Jack last episode I was hoping we'd find out what she did in her flashback but we kind of didnt it was about how she was on the run and had loads of number plates

and dyed her hair blonde and she was looking for a letter from this darky guy who was playing a gameboy SP which didnt come out for another like 4 years and Kate is trying to flirt with him but he is like "major d/c I'm about to evolve my mudkip sry" and she went back to her hometown to see her mother who was dieing of cancer but when she spoke to her her mother starts screaming HELP and I was like jesus christ what did Kate do that means her own mother is so terrified of her and screams like she's monstrous and she also meets up with her old teenaged boyfriend she was just hanging out in the back of her car that was kind of creepy and they go to dig something up that I really did think was going to be a body but it turns out to be a time capsule with stupid shit in it like a tape they recorded where she talked about how she wanted to run away right we get it Kate runs jesus and it also had this guys toy plane in it that he loves that he got from his first trip away alone or something gay and that's the same plane that was in the marshals case and why she robbed that bank for anyway the cops spot her when her mother starts screaming because her probably serial killer daugther came to visit her and she owns him with his own walky talky which was fucking badass and there is a short carchase where she drives down a milti-story car park and rams two police cars and they shoot at her and she crashes into this whitey golden car WAIT A SECOND IS THAT THE SAME CAR THAT HIT MICHEAL WHEN HE GOT OFF THE PHONE FROM HIS EX AND THE SAME ONE THAT HIT LOCKE OUTSIDE HIS WORK AT THE TOY STORE HMMM anyway her bf dies I guess she considers that she loved and killed him and she looks back at the toy plane and has to keep on running down a storm drain or something

back on the island Sawyer dinorages when Micheal kicks him off the raft and he tells everyone that he worked out that Kate was traveling with the marshal who wasnt just there to protect them from terrorists because she was his prisoner and she wants on the raft so badly that she got Sawyer kicked off since Micheals already bringing Jin for his fishing powers and his niglet so she could escape with the identity of (Joanna the woman who drowned) who's passport Kate was burning and trying to claim her own so when they get rescued and half the reporters in the world descend on the island (and make it into a mini mall lmao) and she says she was the prisoner that was on the plane but she still says she didnt do what ever she's accused of but everyone is weirded out by Kate good going Sawyer and he makes a point of not saying sorry that night but we see Walt telling his dad that it was him who burnt the first raft because he liked it there but now he insists that they have to leave and then it turns out that it was Sun who tried to poison Jin so he wouldnt go on the raft woah fuck and then it turns out it was Kate who told her to do that so she could get on the raft lol wut

LOST 1x23: Exodus, Part 1
montands arm special edition
First viewed: December 28th 2005

so I was looking forward to this episode more than I was Christmas I cant remember what I got like two years ago but I didnt care (oh yeh happy fucking christmas btw fuck off) it opens pretty funnily when Walt gets his little niglet dick out and pisses up against pretty much any tree in their camp lol and OH SHIT THE FRENCH WOMAN JUST COMES WANDERING IN AND IS LIKE "THE OTHERS ARE COMING"

"YOU ONLY HAVE THREE CHOICES: RUN, HIDE, OR DIE"
holy shit and she tells the camp her story about how she got to the island and how she had to deliver her baby by herself and how the Others stole her baby and she's eyeing Claire and Turniphead over there and later on everyone fucking bricks themselves when they cocked up the launching of the raft (everyone blamed Sawyer for braking the mast what a dumbass) and everyone looks over to see WOAH FUCK SOME SMOKE ON THE HORIZON so they go for the "hide" option and they show her the hatch and Hurley for some reason and she doesnt know jack shit about it wtf guess she doesnt drop that many flashlights and since she doesnt know anything about the Others other than they whisper in the jungle and set smoke signals Sayid doesnt want to open the hatch because for all they know it could be the Others and he wanted Jack to talk Locke out of it but he brings up how Frenchy blew up her old dugout and she says she used dynamite from the black rock so they set up a mission to go get some of that and open the hatch to hide in now this episode wasnt a centric episode loads of people had flashbacks to them catching their flights like Walt remembered how he was watching Power Rangers and pissing off his dad in a hotel room and then tried to run away and Micheal was chasing after him in his underwear and dragging him back while Walt screamed "YOURE NOT MY FATHER" lmao if I was that random guy coming out his room I'd think there was some cp being filmed in the other room

and Shannon had a flashback to aww her and Boone fighting man I miss Boone rip and Sayid actually left his bag with her and she reported him as a terrorist lmao like a day ago he just stopped a terrorist attack racist and she described him as "uhhh arab" and Sawyer has a flashback about how he broke a cops mug in the police station Boone was in because he headbutted The Hon. Warren Truss, Australian Minister of Agriculture, Fisheries and Forestry nice title jackass and Sawyer gets called by his real name James and got deported and Kate has a flashback to the Marshal checking his guns and this guy asks why he needs a gun on his ankle and four in a case and he teases Kate with her toy plane and explains that was his safety deposit box number 815 that she robbed the bank for and he is like "what was his name your bf this fag with a toy plane lmao what was his name" she dinorages at him and is like "HIS NAME WAS TOM" and he elbows her in the face and is like "thats why" jesus christ Kate must be pretty fucking dangerous if he needs FIVE FUCKING GUNS to deal with her and Sun has a flashback to her spilling coffee on her husband and some white people making fun of them racists and Jack had a flashback to when he met this kind of hot woman at an airport bar and she's got seat 42F at the back of the plane and Jack says he's got seat 23B and they arrange for drinks on the plane hmm she was kind of cute but in a familiar way where do I know her from oh well she was just some random girl who cares

and then back on the island Sawyers got his shirt off and he's getting new bamboo for the mast and Jack gives him a gun "just in case" and Sawyer jokes about having to put Walt out of his misery when they run out of food and water this is when he tells Jack he met his dad and he said he loved his son from when he worked it out in Outlaws and that was a really romantic scene but it should have gone like this:

lmao good thing Sawyer put his shirt back on or this scene would have overloaded with gay tension and Jack starts crying and its obvious how much Sawyer actually cares for him and after Jacks done crying and gets rid of his boner from seeing Sawyer without his shirt off

he sets off with Frenchy because she knows where the fuck they're going and Locke because he's the jungle hunter fag and Kate because she begged to come because she's always running we get it and Arzt because he knows their plan from Hurley (if you want to keep a secret dont tell the fat guy) and he claims to know about dynamite and Hurley so uhhh if they run out of food they can cannibalize him I guess and if you are reading this which you arnt and you dont know how to pronounce "Arzt" which you dont then neither does Hurley and he asks why he cant just call him by his first name because "Leslie's a bitchin name" lol and Locke tries flirting with Frenchy by asking her where she got some scratches on her arm from when she takes her shirt off and she says it was from a mean bush rofl well she still shaves her armpits I wonder if she hasnt shaved her pubes in 16 years lmao and she starts talking about how this is where her team got infected and Montand lost his arm when I heard that I thought "hmm sounds like the zombie virus" like he got bit and they tried cutting off his arm but Arzt gets scared and turns back and is starts raining and they hear this "ELPELPELPELP" sound and then oh jesus ARZT COMES RUNNING OUT SCREAMING "HELP HELP"

WITH THE FUCKING MONSTER CHASING HIM GIVING IT LARGE WITH ITS SCARY NOISES OH SHIT LEG IT
and they all scatter and Jack and Kate hide with Frenchers in some vines that everyone always hides in and she says its the islands security system wtf but Locke stands his ground and tells Hurley its ok its going away and it does sound like its going away STOMP STOMPCRUNCH STOMP clickclickclickSTOMP STOMP hooooornSTOMP stomp stomp jesus it sounds fucking massive and they are all scared but they eventually get to the black rock and... ITS AN OLD PIRATE SHIP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE JUNGLE

WHAT THE SHIT SO HOW DID WHEN WAIT WHAT
uh ok back at the beach everyones getting ready to launch the raft and Walt gives Shannon (who's folding clothes because SHES ANAL) Vincent because when his mom died he talked to him about it and she could talk about Boone to him and Charlie gets everyone to write a message to put in this bottle for the raft lmao and Sun makes up with Jin and writes him a booklet with simple english phrases and Micheal hugs her goodbye and Shannon takes Vincent and hugs Walt and Sayid gives Micheal this radar he built and a flare from the beachcraft plane and everyone shakes hands and shit and they launch the raft and the two niggers, Jin and Sawyer all hop on and Vincent runs after them and starts swimming to Walt but he's like "NO VINCENT GO BACK VINCENT" and he does he turns around and paddles back to Shannon oh god that made me cry and they put the sail up and everyone cheers and Charlie and Sayid hug and everyone jumps up and down oh man oh man tears were rolling down my face THERE THEY GO SAILING OFF INTO THE UNKNOWN TO SAVE EVERYONE OH MAN I CRIED I ADMIT IT

and then we cut back to that pillar of smoke from the Others oh jesus god...

LOST 1x24: Exodus, Part 2
rip arzt special edition
First viewed: January 11th 2006

so Id been watching these episodes a week before everyone else on E4 and for my birthday my one friend and his friends went to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and this guy asked me if I had seen "this show called Lost about a plane crash or something its pretty stupid huh" and I just looked at him like he was retarded and thought the world was flat anyway I was looking forward to this episode I didnt give a shit about how it was 2006 even though that was a shitty year 2005 rocked it was loads of natural disasters owning man kind all that happened in 06 was Steve Irwin dieing rip but anyway it wasnt on E4 they were leaving it to air on channel 4 so I had to wait an extra week and I remember my cousin who would have been 10 was having dinner at our house that night and I had almost forgotten it was on and I changed the shitty little tv in the kitchen over to channel 4 just as the episode was starting and it was me my 10 y/o cousin who I think I am his only positive role model since his brothers a dick and he is always wanting to spend time with me and watch the same things as me and play the same video games and my sister was also there and we were all eating fish and chips I seem to remember anyway we all watched this epi so everyones standing around this BLOODY GHOST SHIP IN THE JUNGLE and my 10 y/o cousin is like "erm how did a pirate ship get in the jungle" and Arzt thinks maybe a tsunami swept it in when Hurley asks how it got there and Frenchy just asks if he's on the same island as she is and walks off goodone and inside this ship Locke thinks it might by a slaver ship from mozambique because there's all these skeletons in chains and I literally said "LOL DEAD NIGGER STORAGE" and Kate looks at the shackles weirdly I dont think she likes handcuffs and Jack finds the dynamite and they bring it out and Arzt is going on a rant to Hurley about how the main characters dont care about the background cast and how the redshirts are people to and he sees them jogging out with this dynamite and he screams "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING?!" and oh jesus this is hilarious you have to see this

he gives them a lecture about how dynamite sweats nitroglycerin and he picks a stick of it up and yells at Kate to give him her shirt and calls her princess and she looks at him like um excuse me rofl and he wets it and wraps up the stick and he talks about how old it is and how unstable because its been in this fucking slave ship for god knows how long and THE STICK OF DYNAMITE GOES OFF IN HIS HAND

AND BLOWS HIM TO PIECES ALL OVER EVERYONE ROFLMAO!!!
and Hurleys like "...DUDE" holy shit that was fucking funny I just had to make a gif about that

lmao and the flashbacks are still about what everyone did in the airport before the flight like Jin had a flashback about cleaning his lap up from that coffee and this white guy asks him for a towel but he doesnt know any english yet and then the white guy asks in Korean and my cousin is like "why is that guy speaking chinese" and I was like ITS KOREAN YOU RACIST and this guy works for Suns father and was following Jin I thought maybe he was on the plane to make sure he took the watch to LA or something maybe he died in the crash and Charlie has a fight with a girl in his hotel room over some heroin and she lied about being a fan of "Drivethrough" owned and Sayid gets his bags searched and Walts playing his game boy SP which didnt come out for a year after this is set and I noticed in Kates last flashback set in like 1923 a guy had an SP and Micheals calling his mom trying to get her to take Walt and he pops up and says he needs new batteries and my cousin is like "ERM THE GAMEBOY SP IS CHARGED IT DOESNT TAKE BATTERIES THIS SHOW SUCKS" and Hurley is getting raped by the numbers holy god his room number is 2342 in his hotel the same one as the niggers and Charlie who's elevator he held up and its 23 degrees in his car and going at 42 km/h until he gets a flat tire and he goes at 16 then 15 then 8 then 4 km/h lmao and he has to buy the seat beside him when he books his flight because he's so fucking fat and he bumps into Arzt when they are going through security and pays an old guy with an 8 on his hat $1600 for his scooter and he passes a girls football team with all the numbers in order on their jerseys and the gate he gets to is gate 23 or something and they wont let him in but he begs and begs because its his mothers birthday soon

and Locke remembers how depressed he was going home and how vulnerable and humiliated he was when the staff had to carry him onboard the plane because they didnt have the special wheelchair and he had to go on first with all the other cripples and he drops a pamphlet and cant even bend down to pick it up wow his life was shit but now he gets to play with dynamite and he asks Jack as they're taking it out the crate if he ever played operation Jack probably did as part of his surgeon training well Locke always got nailed on the funnybone and as he's picking a stick up he goes "BZZZT!" and Jack bricks himself lmao and they put three sticks in two bags and Locke takes one and Kate wants to take one but Jack puts it in his even after they draw straws because Jack wont let fate decide and then Hurley is like "dude... you have some Arzt on you..." and Jack looks on his shoulder and there is a chunk of meat and he is like jesus christ and as they're walking back to the hatch and Hurley thinks theres food down the there the fatass and Locke thinks its hope and fatty sees a scary bird and my cousin is like "erm is that a dinosaur" no shut up and we get our only ever "to be continued" they hear this clicking noise and see this LITTLE CAT SIZED WISP OF BLACK SMOKE FLY PAST WTF and they turn around to walk away and they hear this squawking sound and HOLY SHIT SOME TREES GET RIPPED UP RIGHT THERE OH SHIT and Locke puts his pack down and walks up towards these sounds like growling and clicking this BIG STAMPING NOISE and hissing like hydraulics and this half clicking half growling noise thats almost calming and it stops and quits down and then A TREE RIPS UP RIGHT BESIDE LOCKE AND THERES THIS MECHANICAL CLUNKING SOUND AND A FURIOUS ROARING HORN AND HE FUCKING BRICKS HIMSELF

AND HE LEGS IT LIKE FUCK BUT IT GRABS HIS LEG AND PULLS HIM THROUGH THE JUNGLE AND JACK RUNS AFTER HIM TRYING TO SAVE HIM
oh shit you have to see this

and my 10 y/o cousin is like "erm that isnt scary you cant even see it" and holy shit Lockes being pulled along the ground and Jack fucking leaps at him and grabs him and tries to stop him but this thing disapears down a holy and holy shit IT FUCKING PULLS HIM INTO THIS HOLE BUT JACK GRABS HIM AN HES HANGING ON and Kate runs up and Jack tells her to get the dynamite from his backpack and she gets some out but Locke wants Jack to let him go but he wont and he tells Kate to throw a stick into the hole and she does SHE THROWS SOME DYNAMITE INTO THIS HOLE THE MONSTERS TRYING TO PULL LOCKE INTO AND IT EXPLODES

AND OUT COMES THIS CLOUD OF BLACK MOVING SMOKE HOVERING BIZARRELY ROARING AT THEM AND FLYS OFF WHAT THE FUCK and my cousin is like "WHAT THE HELL HOW CAN A MONSTER BE MADE OF BLACK SMOKE OH MY GOD I JUST PISSED MYSELF" what the fuuuck jesus christ what the fuck was that I just had to make a gif of that too

rofl that was awesome Jack is pretty much in shock and asks John why the fuck he wanted to be dropped into this smoke monster and he says he was being tested by the island and that they were all brought there for a reason but Jack cant see it because he's a man of science and Lockes a man of faith and they're on their way to the hatch and Hurley gets nervous and starts muttering 4 8 15 16 23 42 to himself and Kate recognizes the 23 and says thats how many thousand dollars she was turned in for and they set up the dynamite and Jack uses his uber surgeon hand steadying powers to feed the fuse into the sticks and Locke gets ready to light it and he tells Kate that they have a Locke problem and he needs her back and just as they're about to blow it Hurley sees the numbers on the side of the hatch lmao holy shit and he runs at Locke who lights it even though he's like "NO NO DONT DO THAT THE NUMBERS ARE BAD THE NUMBERS ARE BAD" AND LMAO JACK HAS TO TACKLE HIM TO THE GROUND AND THEN THE HATCH BLOWNS UP RIGHT BESIDE THEM

man oh man Frenchies missing all the fun she goes back to the beach and holy shit THE FRENCH WOMAN STEALS CLAIRES BABY and then Claires screaming about her baby in her piercing australian whining accent and she calls the baby Aron I guess thats its name so Charlie and Sayid go to get her baby back and they make a stop off at the beachcraft so Charlie can stock up on heroin and he gets owned in the head by a rock trap Frenchy set up and Sayid does this thing where he puts gun powder in Charlies wound and ignites it awesome and they eventually get to the source of the Others smoke pillar and its just a signal fire all by itself and it turns out there never were any Others coming it was Danielle who was trying to trade Aron for her own child Alex who the Others kidnapped and Charlie calls her insane and pathetic but she swears she heard them whispering that they were coming for the boy now I thought this was a pretty big let down the Others arnt real and are just a figment of this crazy french chicks imagination and the raft story was pretty dumb too Jin gives Micheal that golden watch and Walt berates Sawyer for reading everyones messages in the bottle (who the hell is Hugo and how's he got $160000000 to leave to his mom?!) and he gets Steven mixed up with Scott who isnt sleeping next to Tracy because hes fucking dead and then a log hits the rudder and he has to dive in and get it but when Micheal hands him his shirt back he sees his gun and is like "you better put that back on before you burn up" nice subtle cracker joke and then at night time they try the little radar and HOLY SHIT THEY ACTUALLY PICK SOMETHING UP ON THE RADAR and Sawyer thinks they should fire the flare but Jin doesnt see anything and Walt says its moving away and Micheal doesnt know what to do and this scene was so intense with this incessant beeping and they end up firing the flare and the beeping comes back and they're well happy and they hear this mottor sounding thing coming up oh my god is it a boat did they find a boat and A SEARCH LIGHT COMES ON OH MY GOD now you have to see this its so intense

and I was like THEYRE SAVED OH MY GOD ITS OVER THEYRE RESCUED YES YES and this like little fishing boat comes up and the guy with the search light is this hill billy looking chap and they explain they're survivors of oceanic flight 815 and they crashed on an island they've been stuck on for ages and there are loads of survivors and OMG THEY ARE SO GLAD THEYRE FOUND ITS ALL OVER THEYRE RESCUED but this guys like "only... the thing is... were gonna have to take the boy" ...wh... what? and Micheal asks who they are and whats going on and says he isnt giving them anybody and this hill billy guy tells him to give him the boy and oh jesus Sawyer reaches for his gun and

ONE OF THEM SHOOTS SAWYER AND HE FALLS OVERBOARD AND JIN DIVES IN AFTER HIM AND THIS GUY GRABS WALT AND MICHEAL TRYS TO SAVE HIM BUT THIS OTHER GUY BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF HIM AND MICHEALS TRYING TO GET TO WALT BUT THIS GUY LUMPS HIM OUT AND THROWS HIM IN THE SEA AND THEY TAKE WALT ONTO THEIR BOAT AND THIS WOMAN THROWS A GRENADE ONTO THE RAFT AND THEY DRIVE OFF AND WALTS YELLING FOR HELP OH JESUS AND THE RAFT EXPLODES AND WALTS SCREAMING FOR HIS DAD TO SAVE HIM ON THIS BOAT DISAPPEARING INTO THE NIGHT OH GOD ITS THE OTHERS THE OTHERS TOOK WALT AND MICHEALS LIKE WALT WAAAAALT WA-AAA-AALTNAAH and my cousin was like "erm are those pirates pedophiles why did they kidnap that boy" jesus that was so intense I needed to make a gif of that too

oh my god oh my god that was the most intense shit ever and there's a really calming scene to keep my heart from beating out my chest thats kind of boring to explain so watch this or dont

that "PERDIDOS" at the end cracks me the fuck up thats the best video on youtube probably so yeh thats them all getting on the plane in slowmo its really heart warming seeing Shannon and Boone alive together again the incest power couple and everyones all normal and getting on a plane in slow-mo then in even slower mo Locke and Jack walk up to the Hatch thats been blown off its hinge and they slide it to the side and they look in this structure and its a ladder thats broken leading down this underground vertical tunnel and they look at each other as the camera pans down this shaft and it goes further and further down this shaft and CUT TO LOST


holy shit I was on the edge of my dick after that what a fucking cliff hanger I didnt expect them to cut right then I thought the would show was was inside man oh man but I wasnt disappointed or anything I though that was a fucking fantastic ending to an astonishing finale my cousin looked like he'd just been raped and my sister didnt know what the fuck was going on and I was still in shock from the Others taking Walt I mean first of all I thought there were no Others I thought Frenchy had made them up and I'd forgotten about Ethan completely and second of all I really did think they had been found by some random fishermen I thought they really had been rescued I thought like the rest of their story would be about trying to find the island again but when that bearded faggot said they were going to have to take Walt I fucking shit myself and I fucking wanted to know what happened next WHATS IN THAT GODDAMN HATCH I wanted to know but I knew the UK would be like a year behind like it is anything good and I didnt want to read about it on the internet I was still shitting myself I didnt want to go another week without Lost watching it was literally the best experience of my entire life fuck and I only had until the end of the credits to catch my breath because something came on right after it that I thought was an advert but it wasnt it was something claiming to be a public service announcement and it how Lost didnt make sense and how they wanted to know whats going on so they brought it forward then this furious fucking alarm sound went off and they showed flashes of this countdown clock and the guys from the raft getting raped by a big black nigger and Locke being held at gun point and a sign saying QUARANTINE and Kate climbing down the hatch and this fucking blazing light holy shit I WANTED TO WATCH SEASON 2 OF LOST NOW GODDAMN IT so I rushed through to my comp and looked up when it was going to air over here HOLY SHIT ID HAVE TO WAIT FOUR MONTHS UNTIL MAY FUCK and then curiosity got the better of me I just wanted to see how far behind I was JESUS CHRIST IN AMERICA THEY ARE ALREADY ON EPISODE 10! goddamn it I wished I lived in america why does it take so long to air over here I hate everything and then it hit me I COULD WATCH SEASON 2 ON THE INTERNET!!! so I was like well how do I go about this whole piracy thing remember this was two years ago I couldnt even spell torrents back then so I tried to hold out but I only lasted like a month when I cracked and I knew people recored tv shows and movies and put them on the internet but I didnt know how to watch them fuck and I knew I'd get banned for asking on IGN and the ytmnd forums were down they had these lame temp forums up and I was banned from there for spamming like a nigger by wolfson also guest star ooble lmao

so the only other forum I liked was IMDb so I went to their Lost board and made a thread asking how I could watch season 2 online and I assumed it would be a slow board full of nerds but I was pounced on by dozens of trolls flinging spoilers at me I had to dodge them like neo in the matrix dodging bullets wow these forums were really mean but there was one reply that linked to a forum especially for pirating episodes of Lost so I downloaded all these .avi files from there of season 2 so far but I knew if I watched all of it at once I'd overdose like if you were a cocaine addict and you got a bag a week from your dealer but then you found a big packet you arnt going to snort all of it at once you ration it so that what I did I decided that I'd watch a new episode of Lost every 3 days and I'd find links to .avi files for the latest episode usually the day after it aired but for now I was weeks behind and I was too scared to post on IMDbs Lost board in case I was owned by spoilers so I planned it out on a calender and I'd be up to date with the US at episode 20 and one night I just said go for it and opened this file in realplayer and it was actually pretty good quality and I watched...

LOST 2x01: Man of Science, Man of Faith
>:| special edition
First viewed: February 28th 2006


so we open on some guys eye opening and there's this even more incessant beeping sound and we're shown this command prompt that looks like an angry face smiley >:|

and this guy gets out his bed and Davroses over to a computer on his computer chair and types in something now my internet hero senses were going apeshit it looked like he was typing in numbers separated by hits of the spacebar and he was typing on an old keyboard that looked like 20 years old and he hits a button marked execute where the enter key would be or whatever would be in the lower right hand corner of the board maybe the shift key idk and then there's this flipping sound like he's logged into this computer to start his day he was probably cybering with his internet girlfriend lmao and then he goes and gets an old vinyl record that starts to play Make Your Own Kind of Music by Mama Cass so this was pretty obviously a flashback and it seemed to be in the 80s since the room he's walking around in is pretty old looking and he takes his dishes over and washes them and then works out he rides a bike at 15 mph does some pullups some situps and has a shower he's got a pretty nice bod I wonder who he is and he makes himself a smoothy so I guess this is just his morning routine whoever this is and then he gets opens this cabinet and takes out a injection gun thing and shoots something into his arm what does this guy have a medical condWOAH fuck there's this boom and dust falls from the roof and he gets dressed and unlocks this armory oh man and he loads up a handgun and an assault riffle and flicks the lights off on this control panel is this like a military post or something and he gets this telescope thing down and flicks some switches and all these mirrors line up so he can look round the corner and the we see the path of these mirrors around a wall and through a corridor and there's this bright square being illuminated in the mirrors that this guy is seeing what the hell and the camera goes into the corner and pans up this shaft leading out of this living area this guy's in and the camera twists around and...

HOLY SHIT ITS LOCKE AND JACK LOOKING INSIDE THE HATCH OH MY GOD THATS THE HATCH THATS WHATS INSIDE THE HATCH WE JUST SAW IN THE HATCH THERES SOME FUCKING GUY LIVING IN IT OH MY CATDICK CHRIST 4 8 15 16 32 42 48 we're dead 15 doomed dead 16 23 thats Hurley muttering to himself as the party of four stand above the opened hatch and Jack says they have to go back because they cant get everyone down there but Locke throws a rock down and they hear a puddle and Kate estimates it at 40 feet and Locke wants to use wiring from the planes fuselage to make a harness to rappel down but Jack tells him to pack it the fuck up and when asked why he doesnt want to go down there he has a flashback the saved a woman who got hit by an SUV driven some guy called Adam Rutherford but he doesnt have time to save him with his doctor skills in surgery and this woman starts whining about how she has to dance at her wedding and it turns out she's going to be paralyzed from the waste down for ever and she cries about it and he talks to her fiance and all he cares is if he can still fuck his gf lmao and Jack is like uh and his dad tells him he needs to give out more hope even if its false hope so he promises to his future wife that he'll fix her and the nurses look at him like he's retarded and back on the island Kate points out that on the inside of the hatch is written QUARANTINE oh shit

so they leg it back to the caves where Shannon has lost Vincent so she goes looking for him with Sayid and they find him just sitting in the jungle and he goes chasing after him while Shannon falls over like a dumb girl and she hears woah fuck SHE HEARS THE WHISPERS AND THEY CLEARLY SAY SHANNON WTF uh oh and WOAH FUCK THERES WALT JUST STANDING THERE AND HE SPEAKS BACKWARDS DAB NOTTUB NOTTUB EHT HSUP TNOD OH SHIT what the shit and as they are walking back Kate asks Locke why he wants in the hatch so bad and he is like MEE MOO MEE MOO GRAMMAR POLICE BADLY and he asks her if she saw that column of black smoke try to pull him into a hole and she did and he wonders what Jack thinks he saw meanwhile Hurley tells Jack they better hurry up you doesnt want Locke making time with your girl and then he tells him about the numbers and how he was in a psych ward and got cursed by numbers and Jacks like "uhh you were in a psych ward?" and when they get back to the caves everyones going apeshit and Jack has to stand up and give a speech about how they're all going to be ok and they still have four guns and they're all going to be there to see the sunrise and I think he lied when Kate asked him if he believed that but Locke is like "d/c going down the hatch" and Kate goes too and when she gets there Locke says she's lighter and he can send her down on this harness he's rigged up and she says he forget the part where he just wants to see if she gets eaten and he lols and ties this thing around her and the codeword for stop is "stop" lol and he sends her down and she starts the decent man oh man this is tense then one of the trees the cable was around snaps and Lockes like oshi- and tries to grab onto the rope and Kate's like AHHEEEeeeeee and Locke stops her fall but she drops her torch and she wants back up but Locke keeps lowering her down and she's like "well ok then" and she gets scared and does that thing where she counts and lets the fear in 1... 2... 3... 4...

THIS MASSIVE BEAM OF LIGHT COMES SHOOTING OUT AND SOMETHING PULLS KATE DOWN OH SHIT and Jack loads up a gun and tells Hurley he changed his mind about the whole staying until sunrise thing and he goes to the hatch and its evident that they already went down so he wraps cloth around his hands and slides down and just as he goes down he has a flashback about how he ran a tour de stade which is when you run all the steps in a stadium up and down and he trys to keep up with this other guy who's running but he falls over and the guy comes to help him

and he says "you alright brotha?" is he gay or something and he checks his ankle and says aye it isnt twisted WAIT IS THIS GUY SCOTTISH? and he asks Jack why "he's running like the devils chasing him" and it transpires that he wanted to be a doctor too but now he's training for a "race around the world" and he knows he's running because of a girl and they talk about Jacks girl patient and how it would be a miracle if he fixed her and this Scottish guy asks if he believes in miracles and tells him to "lift it up" meaning his leg to keep it elevated and introduces himself as "I'm Desmond, good luck brotha, see you in another life yeh" that guy was pretty awesome and then Jack probably gets a boner he was pretty hunky too had a nice bod let me make a gif about that lmao

so anyway Jack jumps down this shaft and I love this scene Jack is met by this search light looking thing that makes that giant beam of light and he walks along this narrow cave like area with exposed rock walls and he's edging along this hallway and he sees a pair of shows and there's pipes coming out the walls and fuse boxes and shit and a fucking weird mural and he walks along this hallway and there's really disturbing humming sounds and he comes to this wall with a whirring behind it and his fucking key around his neck starts getting pulled towards the wall wtf and then this mirror turns beside him and OH SHIT THIS LOUD MUSIC COMES BLARING ON its Make Your Own Kind of Music again and FUCK THIS LIGHT COMES ON and Jack dashes behind a wall and hes entered some sort of... COMPUTER ROOM

and he looks around this room at all this old computer equipment and edges towards this old Apple II computer with the raged command prompt >:| flashing and he's about to hit the execute key when LOCKE POPS UP and says it isnt a good idea and Jack points his gun at him and demands to know where Kate is but then OH SHIT A GUN IS DRAWN ON LOCKE great time for a flashback when he checks on his future wife and after some small talk about how intense he is and how he hurt his ankle (sucks for him) and he tells her she'll never walk again and be paralyzed from the waist down for the rest of her life and she says he must be pulling her chain and she can wiggle her toes and he gets out a pen and pokes her legs and she can feel it and he's furiously stabbing her legs and she can feel it HE FIXED HER HER LEGS ARE FINE OH MY GOD ITS A MIRACLE even Jacks bad wig is happy for him and back in real time Lockes being held at gunpoint and this guy who's behind a wall tells Jack to put his gun down and he wants to know where Kate and and Locke tells him she's fine and he's to put down his gun BUT HES NOT PUTTING DOWN ANYTHING and this guy FIRES A SHOT OFF OVER JACKS SHOULDER and the guy asks Jack if he wants Locke to die but he keeps his gun steady and starts teasing Locke about their destiny lmao

and this guy is like "LOWER YOUR GUN OR ILL BLOW HIS DAMNED HEAD OFF BROTHER"

OH SHIT ITS THAT SCOTTISH GUY JACK MET AND JACKS LIKE "...YOU?!" FUCK YEAH


LOST 2x02: Adrift
WAAAAAAALT special edition
First viewed: March 3rd 2006

so I managed to hold myself off from watching this episode for a few days and it was pretty weird watching Lost on my computer whenever I wanted but it was actually a lot better it was like my monitor was a tv without the inconvenience of adverts or broadcast times I mean I had watched DVDs on my computer before like I had just got Resident Evil on DVD and I watched that on my computer man I loved that movie anyway this episode was about Micheal screaming his sons name about a billion times but it also included something not about raged niggers we get to see what happened to Kate and Locke in the hatch before Jack turned up Locke goes down the shaft after Kate and he takes his shoes off for stealth or maybe politeness and he sees this swan logo on the side of an electrical box

and he walks past that weird mural into the living area and he goes into the computer room and finds Kate knocked out and Desmond appears behind him and asks him if he's "him" and Locke tries to bullshit him by saying he is but Desmond asks him "what did one snowman say to the other snowman?" but he doesnt know what the fuck he's one about so he takes them into the living area and they see all these hundreds of score marks on the wall like he's been down there for years and he gets some cable and tells Kate to tie Locke up but he tells him he's not dangerous but Kate's a fugitive and she looks at him like he just suggested they gang rape her and he says he's just a "regional collections manager for a cardboard manufacturer, boxes primarily" so he makes him tie up Kate and she is like AHHH JOHN DONT TOUCH ME AHHH I guess she really isnt into bondage lmao but he slips her a knife and puts her in this room that turns out is a pantry and when she wriggles out of her bonds and cuts them she immediately stuffs her face with some chocolate and is like OM NOM NOM NOM wow she really likes chocolate so far I've gathered LIKES: CHOCOLATE DISLIKES: BONDAGE

and she climbs into this vent (very classy) and hears Locke telling Desmond about the planecrash a month ago and Desmonds amazed that the world still out there and Locke wonders if there's simulated light because Des never leaves but then this alarm goes off and Kate's like oh shit and they walk into the computer room and THERES THIS COUNTDOWN COUNTING DOWN HOLY SHIT I LOVE COUNTDOWNS and he forces Locke to type in 4 8 15 16 23 42 into the computer and hit execute but Lockes scared but all it does it reset the countdown to 108 wtf and then they hear Jack coming in so Desmond runs and puts on Make Your Own Kind of Music and KATE IS LIKE WTF because she's crawling through this vent between the pantry and computer room and Des holds Locke at gunpoint when he sees Jacks gun and THAT SHOT THAT HE LET OFF HITS THE VENT KATE IS IN WOAH CLOSE CALL and that ends just as Jack says "you?!" again lmao and all this time Micheal has been screaming WAAAAAAALT about a billion times HE REALLY IS GIVING IT LARGE WITH THIS WAAAAAAAAAALT!!

and all this WAAAAALTing attracts A FUCKING SHARK LMAO and you see a little flash of the same kind of symbol that Locke saw in the hatch branded on this big beats tail I caught that first glance btw and its just Micheal and Sawyer on this scrap of raft decking and they still argue and they're just floating in the middle of the ocean and Sawyer has to take out the bullet in his shoulder with his bare bands and he asks Micheal if he has a bandaid lol but he is too busy having flashbacks to when he tried to keep his Son and he goes to see his jew lawyer and you see the twin towers I guess this is set in new york in like 1994 lol nvr4get but his lawyer says he's probably going to lose and it will take a lot of money and eventually his wife talks him into signing his son away because it would be best for him and Micheal gives little toddler Walt a stuffed polar bear as a present when he leaves with his mom how sad but back on the raft he's still screaming about Walt and Sawyers had enough and swims for this pontoon from the raft but WOAH SHIT THAT SHARK WITH THE TATTOO IS AFTER HIM

MICHEAL ASSUMES ITS A GREAT WHITE SHARK AND GETS HIS GAT OUT AND IS LIKE "AAAAHHHH THIS IS FOR SLAVERY YOU FUCKING HONKEY!!" AND BUSTS SOME MOTHERFUCKING CAPS IN ITS SHARKY ASS FUCK YEAH
and you see blood shoot out of its fin fucking owned son and then in the morning Sawyer wakes up to Micheal crying his nigger eyes out because he thinks its his fault and he remembers those fucking Others who took his boy and he says with great resolve "I'm gonna get him back... amma get back my son" fuck yeh Micheal and then they find that the current they were caught in has taken them right back to the island they wanted to leave but now want to return to save Walt and when they get to the beach uh oh...

JIN COMES RUNNING OUT WITH HIS HANDS TIED BEHIND HIS BACK SCREAMING "UDDERS UTTERS OTTERS... OTHERS" AND ALL THESE FUCKING TRIBAL GUYS WALK UP OH FUCKING SHIT

LOST 2x03: Orientation
not sure special edition
First viewed: March 6th 2006

heh did you get that myspace hacking joke right there bet you didnt anyway this episode opens where the last left off with the three raft survivors on the beach with Others baring down on them and oh fuck SUDDENLY THIS BIG BLACK NIGGER RUNS UP RAGED AS FUCK AND BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE WITH A BIG PHALLIC STICK HES LIKE "FUCK YOU CRACKER FUCK YOU GOOK FUCK YOU UNCLE TOM" THATS ONE BIG ASS NIGGA

and him and his Other friends bring them to this pit in the jungle and toss them in and Jin communicates that he was blindfolded the hole time pretty kinky and Sawyer says their could be hundreds of them out there but he doesnt care and tries to climb out but that big black man stabs him with a makeshift looking machete and tosses in this girl and it transpires that SHES FROM THE PLANE CRASH TOO oh shit but then her eyes light up when she sees Sawyers gun and asks where he got it from and he tells her about the marshal and she GRABS HIS GUN AND ELBOWS HIM IN THE FACE AND TELLS EVERYONE TO BACK THE FUCK UP and then the black guy pulls her out oh shit I guessed she was an Other like how Ethan infiltrated the fuselage survivors but I wasnt sure maybe the other guys there are survivors from the tail section of the plane wow she was pretty awesome and kind of hot she just dominated Sawyer wait I remember her SHES MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ FROM RESIDENT EVIL OH MAN SHES SO BADASS WHAT A PERFECT ADDITION TO THE CAST man oh man cool beans I couldnt think of anyone more awesome to be on that island even more awesome than an insane Scotsman speaking of which back in the hatch Kate drops into this armory holy shit I thought it was pretty smart on Desmonds part to agree to tying up I mean we still didnt know what she did I was pretty convinced her whining girly attitude was an act I had my little heart set on dangerous serial killer well anyway she gets a shotgun and comes up behind Des and lumps him out and he fires off a shot by accident and OH SHIT HE HITS THE COMPUTER and he freaks out and says they're all gonnae die uh oh spaghettios and he wants up but Jack wont let him up and he explains he needs to put in the code before the timer runs down and then he recognizes Jack and asks if he knows him so he lets him up and he tries to fix this computer and Kate suggests going to get Sayid since he's the only person on the entire island who can so much as turn something off and on again and she asks if there's a frontdoor and Des points down the hall see told you so Locke and Jack grabs this jar of screws Desmond needs and demands to know atleast how he got there and he says he was on his race around the world in a sail boat and he crashed here and this guy called Kelvin found him and took him down there and said pushing the button was saving the world and they pushed the button for three years jesus he's been down there for three years but Kelvin died jesus how long as he been down there and Jack freaks the hell out and says pushing a button to save the world doesnt make sense and they cant take his word for it and Des says he doesnt have to theres a film behind Turn of the Screw and a projected in the pantry but Jack still says that the computer that saves the world didnt look like 20 years old but they watch this movie:

holy shit basically this asian guy "Marvin Candle" with a false arm says that the people who built the hatch, the DHARMA initative was a bunch of hippies who got stoned and though it would be a cool idea who make mad scientist bases all over this island 30 years ago and an arms dealer gave them financial backing holy shit and this hatch was to study the "magnetic anomaly" on the island thats why the compass didnt work oh shit what if this DHAMA initiative is behind like bringing polar bears to the island and making that monster thing but there was an incident and now two people live in this hatch and have to enter the code into the computer every 108 minutes or the world ends wtf and Jack looks like hes just sat through 2girls1cup.com

he calls major bullshit and goes into super man of science mode and he asks Des if he's in contact with anyone and he says if he was he wouldnt be there and Jack asks where he gets his food from then and Des says he didnt know about the plane crash because he "doesnt get out much" because hes always pushing that button wow an insane Scottish guy who never leaves his room because he's on his comp all day reminds me of me lmao because his replacements never came maybe they disbanded and forgot about him or something but Jack has another theory he says they put quarantine on the door and told him about a sickness to keep him scared and keep him in there and thats not real and none of it else is YOU EVER THINK THAT MAYBE THEY PUT YOU DOWN HERE TO PUSH A BUTTON EVER 108 MINUTES JUST TO SEE IF YOU WOULD THAT ALL OF THIS THE COMPUTER THE BUTTON IS JUST A MINDGAME AN EXPERIMENT and Des is like "...every... single... day... and for all our sakes... I hope its not real" and he says everytime he walks beside that wall his fillings hurt from something magnetic but the computers electronics blow and he just says fuck it and packs his shit and legs it but Jack goes after him and Lockes left alone in the hatch crying and knocking shit over yelling that he doesnt know what to do and this wasnt meant to happen the big nerd but Kate comes back with Sayid and Hurley who finds the pantry and cums his fatty pants

and they manage to fix it but Hurley gets scared when the code is his fucking cursed numbers and Locke starts typing them in oh shit and Jack catches up with Desmond he gives him the code but Jack goes apeshit screaming some man takes you down there shows you a movie and you push a button on faith alone NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN!!! YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT YOURE RUNNING FROM! and Desmond remembers Jack and asks what happened to his patient and he says I MARRIED HER and starts crying lmao and Desmond tells him he'll see him in another life brotha lmao Locke is really shook up and makes a typo oh yeh I forgot about his flashback about how pathetic he was about how he had to go to anger management classes after his dad conned him for his Kidney but he gets angry and berates a girl for wanting some money her mom stole from her "YOU WANT YOUR DAMN 30 DOLLARS BACK?! I WANT MY KIDNEY BACK!!!" and he impresses this woman is impressed by his nerd rage and she flirts with him and he loses his virginity after like 40 years lmao 40 year old virgin Locke what a nerd but he keeps stalking his dad and sitting outside his house until one Day his dad gets in his car and tells him to get over it and he's not the first person to get conned and I literally thought "hmm maybe he's the guy who conned Sawyers parents, the real Sawyer hmm" and his dad calls him a big baby and he starts crying fucking owned but then his girlfriend tells him he needs to make a leap of faith and choose either her or stalking his dad and he picks her speaking of leaps of faith he puts in 4 8 15 16 23 32 and Jack is like MEE MOO MEE MOO TYPO ITS 42 but Locke wants Jack to push it and they argue back and forth and Sayid thinks its irrelevant but Jack refuses to push it and Locke wants him to do it and Hurley is shitting himself he was cool when it was a typo but not now and Kate urges Jack to do it OH MAN THE NUMBERS ARE IN JUST HIT EXECUTE IS IT EVEN REAL WHAT IF IT IS OH MY GOD

FUCK THE COUNTDOWNS ALMOST OVER LIKE SECONDS LEFT
and then he presses the button and it resets back to 108 holy shit that was intense and Locke says he'll take the first shift and the counter hits 107 oh man THIS SHOW IS INSANE


LOST 2x04: Everybody Hates Hugo
eaglebird special edition
First viewed: March 9th 2006


so this episode begins with Hurley raiding the pantry and stuffing his fatty face with any food he can get his chubby hands on and he eats all this icecream and drinks milk that has Walt on it lol wut

and then JIN APPEARS THERE SPEAKING ENGLISH wtf and THERES THIS GUY IN HIS EAGLEBIRD FURRY SUIT LMAO SQUAWK SQUAWK SUCK MY FEATHERY DICK and Hurleys like dude you're speaking english and Jins like no you're speaking korean and then he does with subtitles wtf and this guy in the furry suit is blinking in time with the countdowns beep and he says "Hurley!" in Kates voice and he wakes up and hes fallen asleep at the computer and Kate yells at him lol it turns out he's to sort out the food of the food I guess Jack was high when he came up with the idea of putting the fat guy in charge of rationing the food but he doesnt like the job because he'll fucking eat it all and Locke is going through the armory and I wish they had show us more of it but it looked like Locke was checking out a sniper rifle and they had a bunch of handguns and AK47s and shotguns but Locke tells him he's had a lot of jobs he didnt want to do but he did them his job is to convince everyone to push a button every 108 minutes without knowing why and he told Charlie what was in the hatch and that just makes him want to bother Hurley even more for some peanut butter so Claire can suck it off his dick but he doesnt give him it and Charlie gets raged and says the baby is made of chocolate lollipops so he'll flap his wings and fly off the island lmao that was actually the A-story the B-story was about Sayid and Jack exploring the foundations of the hatch and they cant get into that wall that has something magnetic behind it and might be what the computers controling I guess anyway they hear this hissing and steam sound so Jack goes to investigate and WOAH SHIT ITS KATE GETTING OUT THE SHOWER AND THE LITTLE MINX IS LIKE "OH TEE HEE" I JUST CAME MY PANTS

BUT JACK LOOKS LIKE HE JUST SAW TUBGIRL LMAO HE IS SO GAY
that was both the hottest and gayest shit I've ever seen in my life and I almost came shit when Kate dropped her bra and Jack looks like his dogs just died omg best B-story ever the main story was about how Hurley thought it would be a cool idea to get the spare dynamite and blow up the pantry but luckily he brought Rose down (that old black lady who is convinced her husband is alive (he is fucking obviously dead)) because she needed to use the washer and dryer anyway she talks Hurley out of it but he moans about his flashback about how he wanted to keep his life normal after he won the lottery but before he told anyone and his mom is mean to him and tells him the only exercise he gets is lifting his arm from the bucket of chicken and how he never gets laid lmao but he says he likes his life and doesnt want to change and he quits his job at KFC or w/e where his manager is a dickhead called Randy WAIT WASNT THAT ALSO LOCKES BOSS AT THE CARDBOARD COMPANY HURLEY LATER BUYS?! anyway he asks if Hurley is made of money because he keeps eating all the fried chicken and leaving none for the niggers

and he is like yeh and quits and he acts really cool that day like him and his mate steal a bunch of gnomes and spell out "CLUCK YOU" on Randys front garden haha fucking owned Radny you prick and he asks this hot girl out at a music store when he's with his friend and he is like "driveshaft? morliek SUCKshaft mirite" when they are listening to one hit wonders lol and he makes sure he will be his mate no matter what but he finds out he's won the lottery and Hurley goes on a rant about how everyone will want shit and hate him for it like the food on the island and Hurley eventually tells Jack its the only way and I thought Jack was going to OK the blowing it up idea but instead he hands out all the food and everyone has a feast like Claire and Charlie who eat peanut butter and I would lol if she gave some to her like 3 day old baby in its crib oh yeh Locke made that crib for Claire for her birthday using rendered boar fat for glue lmao anyway everyones having a great time other than Sun whos burying the message bottle that washed up and her Husband is on the other side of the island it turns out that the three people holding the rafties captive are survivors from the tail of the plane and the big black guy woah I BET THAT BLACK GUY IS ROSES HUSBAND OH MAN he lets them out the pit but Sawyer wont come up so Ana-Lucia that hot chick played by Michelle Rodriguez hits him with a rock lmao and hang on one of my favorite bits is coming up

then he gives her shit SHE TOTALLY DOMINATES HIM AND STAMPS ON HIS BULLET WOULD OH MAN I CAME MY PANTS AGAIN and he gets totally owned man I loved that scene and after he says he'll kill her she just kind of smiles at him

and Michel takes this opportunity to flirt with the only white wiminz and she says her name is Libby and 23 of them survived the crash but the six of them walk to WOAH SHIT THEY'VE FOUND THEIR OWN LITTLE DHARMA BUNKER its got a DHARMA symbol of an arrow and its just like empty storage space but inside THERES ONLY TWO OTHER PEOPLE WAITING INSIDE oh man theres only five of the tail section survivors left what happened to all their other people and that night this old white guy comes up and asks Micheal if there's a woman called Rose on their side of the island and Sawyer asks if she's an old black chick and he says yeh and Micheal says she's alive and well and this guy introduces himself as Bernard and that he's her husband OH SHIT BERNARDS A WHITE GUY INTERRACIAL MARRIAGE ALERT LMAO

LOST 2x05: ...And Found
medieval russian literature special edition
First viewed: March 12th 2006

did you get that pun in the title or did it go over your head like the last title pun did well just like that episode this episode was relatively boring and about asians this one was slightly special since it was like a double flashback both sun and Jin had flashbacks but that already happened in uhh well the episode Special with Micheal and Walt anyway this episode was about how the five remaining tail section survivors decide to take the three raft fags and trek over to their side of the island and there was a funny scene where Jin was fishing with Ana-Lucia and Bernard and she's giving him shit and he just owns her in Korean and catches like a billion fish lmao

and Sawyer learns that the big black guys name is Mr. Eko that is the most badass name ever and he gives Sawyer this makeshift machete made from scraps of plane metal and Libby comes running in saying Micheal stopped flirting with her for once and ran off into the jungle screaming WAAAAAALT oh god and Jin who has managed to master such complex english words as WAAAAALT probably because he hears it 24/7 lmao wants to go after Micheal and Sawyer is like "major d/c I hate that coon" but Mr. Eko wants to go and help his fellow black brother out and Jin thinks hes trying to rape him so he punches him in the face and Eko just headbutts him that was awesome so they go looking for Micheal while Ana and the whities keep heading towards the fuselage survivors beach and Sawyer's lagging behind because his arm is all fucked up since he got shot and he had to fucking take the bullet out with his bare hands which was actually pretty fucking badass as fuck and Jin pointed out how infected it was and Sawyer told him to pee on it now some people think thats breaking the fourth wall but I disagree Hurley could have told everyone about that hilarious time he stepped on a sea urchin and had to get Jin to pee on his foot or he'd have to have it amputated thats the kind of story you want to spread around anyway Ana says they'll just leave Sawyer behind because she is so tough man I love her and Sawyer asks if she's married and she isnt and he says she's the type and she asks him if he's gay owned note how he doesnt answer lmao Sawyer you faggot (holy shit I just realised there is a font called Trebuchet MS I should have used that when Locke built one of those lmao well at least now I know its got a t on the end) and then something interesting happens for once Jin almost gets raped by a boar and falls down a hill and he sees WOAH FUCK A DEAD BODY IMPALED ON A STICK and he asks Eko if he's an Other and he says he was and his name was Goodwin (morliek goodone mirite) and then I knew there was going to be a flashback about what happened to the tailies and Eko and Jin try to have a man to man chat and Eko asks if his wife was on the plane and Jin she was and tries to ask Eko if he has a wife but he says worse what he has a husband lmao sorry I just cant stop myself

and his flashback is about working as a doorman at a hotel for the korean version of Randy a total dickhead who tells him he smells of fish for coming from a seaside village and he's right he's living in a shitty apartment with his room mate/friend/gay boyfriend who reads some racist korean destiny book where you look up charts with a ruler and it tells you how gay you are or when you next get laid I think and Jin has to look out for a hot girl in orange and after he quit his shitty job and steals his uniform he sees a hot girl in orange and as he's looking after he he bumps into Sun thats how they first met how romantic back to actually interesting things they hear something and hide in the undergrowth and their little black and flat faces peaking out under this weed looking bush and

WOAH SHIT ALL THESE SAVAGE NATIVE LOOKING RAGGED DIRTY STEALTHY LEGS WALK BUY AND THE LAST ONE IS A CHILD CARRYING A TEDDY BEAR OH SHIT CLOSE CALL what the fuck thats like the second time we've even ever seen the Others how do these savages even have a boat and guns and bombs that was probably the scariest shit I've ever seen in my life if I was Jin I'd fucking piss myself right then but Sun doesnt do anything interesting even in her flashback she gets rejected by some bald twat who studied medieval russian literature (who the fuck studies medieval russian literature? apparently this fag) her battleaxe of a mother was trying to set her up with they actually got on well its pretty good writing when you can tell that even though its all subtitled I love it when they use subtitles I mean its kind of lazy when like everyone in Iraq suddenly starts speaking english but I guess all the Korean actors already spoke their language idk anyway he wants to run off with his american gf hmm I was wondering who that would turn out to be

anyway thats when she bumps into Jin and she was thinking about that boring shit because she lost her wedding ring then all the other characters sort of guest star in their own show Jack tells a story about how he lost his wedding ring and had to get it replaced at a jewelers I guess thats shit advice since Sun cant exactly go that and then he hinted that he wasnt married anymore probably because he is so gay and then Hurley chats with her while they wait for Vincent to shit out her ring and he tells her a story about how his dog buster ate some money it probably wasnt the like billion he won on the lottery that would be a big shit rofl and then she gets raged and rips up her garder and Locke drops in to offer some advice he stole directly from Buddha about how things get found when you stop looking and then eventually Kate comes up to her and I swear to god she was checking Sun out and she flirts with her a little and then Kate wants to go through all the messages in the bottle Sun buried last episode she says she was looking for a message from Sawyer but I think she just wanted to spend more time with sun and it turns out her ring was just in the sand and it fell off when she buried the message bottle Claire found and gave her last episode jesus back on the other side of the island Jin finally finds Micheal who's been exacting his cunning plan to run through the jungle screaming WAAAAALT until he finds his son it would be embarrassing if he found some other guy called Walt lmao and he is standing under a watter fall shouting WAAAAALT WAAAALT THEY TOOK MY BOY THEY CAN TAKE ME COME ON TAKE ME

Jin can be seen there with his deadly taily weapon of a boomerang tied to a stick I dont know what the fuck thats meant to do and Eko tries to take Micheal back but he's not having any of it and Jin convinces him to go back by telling him he'll eventually get Walt in heartwarmingly broken english and we see him looking at his wedding ring and we see Kate and Sun sitting romantically looking at the sunset as she looks at hers how sweet well that was boring as fuck lmao not really I shit myself when they were hiding under that bush and the Others walked past who the fuck are those fags

LOST 2x06: ...Abandoned
rip incest power couple special edition
First viewed: March 15th 2006

this episode starts with Sayid showing Shannon some dumb tent he built for her and shes like "is that a gun in your pants or are you just happy to see me?" and he is like "both lmao" and pulls out his glock and then pulls out his cock holy shit and then they fuck but we dont see it we just see the like before and after and Shan looks freshly fucked and Sayid puts his massive jihad snake away and leaves to pray to allah I guess he's off the 72 virgins waiting list and Shan hears him come back and sees oh fuck WALT APPEARS AND HES LIKE SNIMIW ETIHW DEKCUF YLHSERF A NOS MYAAAD HO WOAH FUCK GHOST NIGLETS Shannon fucking shits herself and screams her lungs out so Sayid comes to save her from nig rape but Walt is gone and he just things she was dreaming

and that wakes up Charlie and Claire and he moans about how she woke up the baby and acts like a father to it that starts a dumb B-story about Locke looking after the baby he probably wants to tap that fine Australian milf ass and Shannon gives some of Walts clothes to the dog to smell and he runs off into the jungle VINCENT LEADS HER TO BOONES GRAVE LMAO OWNED wow rip Boone and she has a flashback about her finding out her dad Adam Rutherford died and we find out he was in the same car accident as Jacks wife and there goes Jack walking past in the background and Boone turns up at the funeral and then they have an incest tea party aww and its really sweet seeing them together again but Boones mother hates Shan she probably doesnt like hot bro/sis incest and cheats her out of her inheritance and Shan says she can make a life for herself in Jew York but Boone doesnt believe in her and she gets all upset and crys just like on the island because Sayid doesnt believe her that she saw Walt and but he says he does and he says he loves her and they hug too bad he isnt her brother they arnt even the same race and oh shit they hear the whispers and OH SHIT WALT APPEARS AGAIN WHISPERING BACKWARDS AND THEY BOTH SEE HIM oh man and he melds back into the jungle and Shannon follows him uh oh

and on the other side of the island the tailies are having a fun time too it turns out Libby is a clinical psychologist and is taking a look at Sawyers fucked up shoulder and its realy infected and he starts passing out and when Eko, Jin and Micheal catch up and try to help carry Sawyer he just says he isnt their friend and he would leave them behind like how he told Jack he'd let him bleed to death but they make a stretcher for them anyway once he finally passes out and as theyre taking him up a hill Cindy who's the flight attendant from like the first episode WTF CINDY SUDDENLY JUST DISAPPEARS SHE VANISHED and they hear the whispers everywhere and Libby is like "OH GOD ITS THEM AHHH" and Anas like "RUN!" holy god and they do and when Sayid is following Shannon whos chasing Walt he hears a gunshot and he runs into a clearing and sees Ana holding her empty gun having fired her one bullet and...

SHANNON STUMBLES BACKWARDS TOWARDS SAYID WITH A GUN SHOT WOUND IN HER STOMACH AND DIES IN HIS ARMS OH MY GOD SHANNON DIED

LOST 2x07: The Other 48 Days
:goodwin: special edition
First viewed: March 18th 2006

season 2 other than the first few episodes about the hatch had been well kind of boring I mean these tailies are cool but its getting kind of old them making a big deal about what happened to them and we probably wont ever find out for what and the flashbacks have been boring nothing interesting ever happens in the flashbacks sometimes I wish they just wernt there so anyway this episode looks fucking boring it opens with a lame peaceful shot of some gay palm tree looking out to sea god this show fucking suwait whats that wailing sound its probably something stuWOAH MOTHAFUCKA ITS THE GODDAMN TAIL SECTION OF THE PLANE AND ALL THIS WRECKAGE IS RAINING DOWN OH SHIT A SEAT JUST FLEW AT THE CAMERA OH MY DICK

HOLY FUCKING SHIT ANA-LUCIA IS FLOATING IN THE SEA AND SHE SEES THE TAIL SECTION OF THE PLANE FUCKING STICKING OUT OF THE SEA AND EVERYONES SCREAMING AND SWIMMING FOR THE BEACH AND CHUNKS OF METAL AND CHAIRS ARE CRASHING EVERYWHERE AND SHITS FRANTIC AS PEOPLE PADDLE TO SHORE AND THERES CORPSES EVERYWHERE OH GOD AND THERES SHRAPNEL RAINING DOWN AND MR EKO PULLS SOME KID OUT THE WATER AND HES YELLING FOR HIS SISTER AND ANA DIVES BACK INTO THE OCEAN TO DRAG OUT PEOPLE AMONG ALL THESE DEAD BODIES

OH JESUS AND THERES THIS AWFUL METAL SCREECHING SOUND A CREAKING TWISTING NOISE AND ITS THE TAIL OF THE PLANE SINKING AND ANA STARTS GIVING THIS LITTLE GIRL CPR AND EVERYONES RUNNING AROUND YELLING SOME GUYS CRYING FOR HIS WIFE AND SOME DUDES HOWLING IN PAIN AND THIS GIRL COUGHS UP SEA WATER AND ANA LOOKS AROUND OH JESUS GOD THE BACK OF THE PLANE GOES UNDER THE SEA AND THERES LIKE 20 PEOPLE LAYING ON THE BEACH OH GOD
and this little girl asks if theyre in LA yet and wheres her mother and Ana just tells her theyre not there yet but she'll see her mom again and we get the Day 1 title card and Cindy the flight attendant looks after the kids while Mr. Eko fishes out all the corpses from the water and Libby twists this guys borken leg back into place jesus and this guy runs out of the jungle saying he needs help and Ana runs in and OH SHIT ITS BERNARD STILL IN HIS CHAIR STUCK UP A TREE LMAO

and Ana manages to talk him down very professionally and later he asks Mr. Eko if he found any african american corpses (lmao at whitey Bernard having to say african american instead of black to a big nigger in case he got offended and raped him) and that guy who found him in the tree tells Ana his name is Goodwin (haha morliek goodone mirite) and he says he was in the Peace Corps and that night when they're all sleeping they awake to some grunting sound and its Mr. Eko standing over two dead guys omg and he is holding a bloody rock theres a cut to black and an awesome sound affect like at the end of season 1 and its Day 2 now and these corpses arent anyone from the plane crash noone knows who they are and Ekos hasnt talked since but he gets a stick for protection and this guy Nathan runs up and says theres three guys missing and Ana says these people were here before them and they need to get off the beach but Nathan says they need to stay and Goodwin agrees and Cindy says they need it they arnt going to get rescued since they were off coarse with no radio and on Day 5 the guy with the broken leg has died from the infection and so have 3 other people so they bury them on Day 7 there's a hilarious scene where Goodwin chokes the chicken and Libby tried to talk to Eko who wasnt spoken in a week and is carving something into this stick on Day 12 Goodwin makes fun of Ana as she ties a boomerang to a stick lmao and Nathan comes out of the jungle and he says he was going to the bathroom for two hours lmao he was probably jackin off wow these guys have it terrible on the other side of the island everyones playing golf and shit

then that night everyones sleeping and theres some people standing over them and OH JESUS THE OTHERS ARE THERE AND THEY TAKE THE KIDS AND JUST START POUNCING ON PEOPLE AND GRABBING EVERYONE AND DRAGGING THEM INTO THE JUNGLE AND THEY RUN OFF WITH THE KIDS WHO ARE SCREAMING FOR HELP AND THE BOY STILL HAS HIS TEDDY BEAR AND EVERYONES YELLING AND PEOPLE ARE GETTING PULLED INTO THE JUNGLE AND ANA SEES ONE OF THEM AND FUCKING DINO RAGES HOLY SHIT AND SHE TACKLES THIS OTHER AND ITS A WOMAN WHO GETS ON TOP OF HER AND ANA GRABS A ROCK AND SHOVES HER OFF AND CAVES HER HEAD IN WITH IT OH JESUS and Ana tries to shake her awake but shes dead and theres only 7 survivors left and they search this corpses pockets and find a knife and they find a list... a list of their names and Ana freaks out when there's no sign of them they dragged 9 people into the jungle and how can they know their names when they didnt even know each other the first night and that Natahn was gone 2 hours yesterday jacking off and Goodwin says they dont need to get paranoid about infiltrators but they agree they need to leave personally I thought it was fucking obvious that Nathan was an Other plant just like Ethan in the middle section so on Day 19 him and Bernard are trying to make a shitty rabbit trap looks like the kind of gay shit Locke would learn as a webelo and ANA JUST STRUTS UP TO NATHAN AND KICKS HIM RIGHT IN THE FACE and she throws him into this cage pit and asks him about where hes form and he says Canada and she says noone saw him on the plane and he says he was in the bathroom for two hours lmao and she doesnt believe him he is obviously a fucking Other I mean Ethan said he was from Canada that or this guy just takes long ass jack off brakes and on Day 23 she tells Goodwin she'll start cutting fingers off holy shit yes do that Sayid was probably going to torture Ethan and maybe get some answers finally someones doing something proactive but at night Goodwin lets him out the cage I guess he doesnt think he's an infiltrator and he doesnt want Ana to torture him I dont know what the problem is I'd probably get a boner if I was Nathan and he asks which way is the beach probably to meet up with his Other friends and Goodwin points him the right way and just as Nathan turns around WOAH SHIT GOODWIN GRABS NATHAN BY THE CHIN AND SNAPS HIS FUCKING NECK WTF IS GOODWIN THE OTHER INFILTRATOR HOLY GOD

then we get that great sound effect and on Day 27 they find this door embedded in a hillside and they open it up and it says Quarantine on the inside and they see the Arrow DHARMA symbol and all thats in this room is a single crate with a bible in it and a glass eye wtf and a oh my god a radio and Goodwin and Ana take it up a hill to try it and they sit on some logs and put their spears down and this was a tense as your moms pussy scene he asks for the knife she took from the Other she killed to cut up an apple and she does and she wonders where they got a 20 y/o US army knife and she asks for it back and shows him the "tang stamp" and then she asks him how he found Bernard still in his seat up in that tree and he says he heard him screaming from the beach and she asks if he saw him and thats why he pretended to be one of them... and says when he came running out of the jungle... he wasnt wet... he was never in the ocean... and she asks where his friends are and what he did with Nathan and he says if she'd cut off his fingers and he still said he was on the plane she might have thought she got the wrong guy and she asks if he killed him and he regurgitates that he was not a good person like hes memorized that and thats why he wasnt on the list and she asks him flat out if he killed the kids too and he says with smirk "they're fine... they're better off now"

AND ANA DINORAGES AND TACKLES HIM AND SHE STABS THE KNIFE AT HIM BUT HE GRAPPLES WITH HER AND ROLLS HER OVER AND HITS THE KNIFE OUT OF HER HAND AND SHE PUNCHES HIM IN THE RIBS AND HE FALLS OVER AND HE ROLLS OVER AND GRABS A SPEAR AND THRUSTS AT HER BUT SHE GRABS HIM AND THROWS THE SPEAR DOWN A HILL AND THEY BOTH TUMBLE DOWN STRUGGLING WITH EACH OTHER AND SHE SLIDES DOWN ONTOP OF THE SPEAR AND GOODWIN GETS UP AND LEAPS AT HER AND SHE BRINGS THE SPEAR UP AND IMPALES HIM RIGHT IN THE CHEST AND HE RASPILY EXHALES AS SHE KICKS HIM OFF AND HE DIES WITH THIS STICK EMBEDDED IN HIS CHEST HOLY SHIT holy god that was intense as your dads dick up my ass

and she goes back to the remaining 4 tailies and says they're safe and on Day 41 Bernard is playing with the radio and all he gets is static until A VOICE COMES ON OVER THE RADIO SAYING "HELLO HELLO ANYONE OUT THERE" AND BERNARD ASKS IF THERES SOMEONE THERE AND THEY SAY THEY'RE THE SURVIVORS OF FLIGHT 815 HOLY SHIT ITS BOONE ITS BOONE ON THE BEACHCRAFTS RADIO AND BERNARD SAYS NO THEY'RE THE SURVIVORS OF FLIGHT 815 OH GOD THAT WAS JUST WHEN BOONE DI-and Ana turns the radio off and says its an Others trick and she goes to cry by a stream and Mr Eko comes up behind her and tells her she's going to be ok and she asks why he waited 40 days to speak and he asks why she waited 40 days to cry oh wow that was touching and we get that awesome sound effect and on Day 45 Libby and Cindy see Jin wash ashore oh wow and they blindfold him and he just babbles Korean at Mr. Eko but Ana says that he has a broken handcuff on his wrist lol and Jin legs it and sees Sawyer and Micheal just on the beach and the talies all come out and Eko runs up and dominates them all and throws them in the pit and Ana tells him to hit her and throw her in to see if they really are other survivors and we see her elbowing Sawyer for his gun again awesome and on Day 46 they let them out and on Day 47 they set off for the other survivors camp and on Day 48 oh god thats Today Cindy just disappeared and they're running away and they hear the whispers and Ana has her gun out and she hears someone coming through the jungle and she see someone and shoots them and oh jesus IT WAS SHANNON SHE JUST SHOT SHANNON OH CHRIST

LOST 2x08: Collision
CGI golf ball special edition
First viewed: March 21th 2006

this epi opens in Ana-Lucias flashback where we learn that shes a cop woah awesome

and she's just getting back on the force and it turns out she was shot 4 times by some faggot and when they catch him she lies and says its not him and she follows the fag who shot her and she calls his name and he turns around and she says "I WAS PREGNANT" AND SHOOTS HIM THRICE IN THE CHEST AND THRICE IN THE HEAD WOAH that was pretty hardcore and I guess she really likes guns which is evident when we get back to the island where we last left off at the end of the last two episodes with Syaid holding Shannons corpse and he puts her down and immediately draws his gun oh shit

EKO TACKLES HIM AND GRAPPLES WITH HIM AND SAYID ELBOWS HIM IN THE FACE AND GETS UP AND EKO TRIES TO GRAB HIM BUT SAYID KICKS HIM IN THE FACE AND LUNGES FOR THE GUN AND EKO JUMPS ON HIM AND THEY HAVE A BIG GAY MUD WRESTLE AND SAYID HOLDS THE GUN TO HIS NECK AND ANA GUN WHIPS HIM IN THE HEAD OH SNAP AND SHE GETS HIS GUN AND TELLS EVERYONE TO BACK THE FUCK UP Micheal starts yelling at her asking her if she's crazy and she points the gun at him and tells him to shut up and she tells Eko to tie up Sayid but he refuses so she gets Libby to do it and she half heartedly waves the gun at her and Eko picks up Sawyer and says he's taking him to the doctor and Ana tells him he would leave him Eko responds by telling her that he's not doing it for him he's doing it for himself and Sayid wakes up and starts yelling for her to untie him and Micheal wants to give him some water and tells Ana she can should him if shed like and he gives Sayid a drink and recaps the last few days that theyre survivors of the tail section and that the Others took Walt and Ana demands ammo and clothes I guess she hasnt changed her top in a month from Micheal in return for Sayid so he runs off to get those but he looks over at Jin who manages to express that he'll stay with Sayid its pretty cool watching their camaraderie evolve and how the language barrier doesnt hold their friendship back fuck that sounded gay they probably are lmao anyway eventually Bernard starts whining that he wants to go back to his wife so Ana tells them all to fuck off so he and Libby leave and Sayid nods to Jin thats its ok to leave meanwhile Jack was almost hit by a golf ball and when he goes to investigate its Kate playing golf with Hurley and Charlie and he gives her some tips on the last ball she fucked up and I swear that golf ball was CGI it was going like one frame too slow to be real and she challenges him to a golf off lmao and they play golf on Hurleys coarse and he isnt put off by her flirting at all because he is so gay but he still fucks up his shot and when he goes to get it Kates just standing in front of him staring behind him and when he turns around LOL ITS EKO WITH A HALF DEAD SAWYER OVER HIS BACK I thought how Jack holds his golf club defensively was pretty cool so they take them back to the hatch

they walk in on Locke manning the button I think he's been sitting there for four days straight lol and hes doing a crossword and he answers 42 down "friend of Enkidu" with "Gilgamesh" and he pushes the button and meets Eko and they just say hello to each other which was pretty epic and Jack starts treating Sawyer and Kate has to whisper to him to get him to swallow these antibiotics and Jack looks all awkward probably because he'd like to be the one whispering sweet nothings into Sawyers ear lmao and then he rages at Mr. Eko who wont take him back with all the guns but then Micheal comes back and Jack actually hugs him and they get guns out but Eko says Ana-Lucia made a mistake and Jack recognizes that name and Eko agrees to take just him and with no guns and back to Ana she is sitting over Shannons corpse oh wow

and when she goes back to Sayid he tells her that he was and is a torturer and how he feels dead and she tells him how she was a cop and some guy shot her and she feels dead and lets him go and drops his gun and lets tells him to kill her and he just asks what the point would be if they're already dead and he walks over to Shannons corpse and picks her up and back at the beach Micheal has gotten back and Vincent runs up to him I think we see a shot of some dog pussy there hey did you know that Vincent is actually played by a female dog called Madison fun fact and Sun was shocked when he first bumped into her because she assumed Jin might be hurt but when Jin and Bernard and Libby get there she sees hes fine and they embrace and I noticed Jin still had Kates handcuff on his wrist thats some great continuity and then everyones crowding around the two tailies and Bernard's looking for his wife and when he finally sees her Rose hugs him and they kiss it was so sweet

and when Eko and Jack finally gets to the clearing Sayid just walks past with Shannons body and Anas standing there and they just stare at each other oh man

LOST 2x09: What Kate Did
quivering behind your keyboard special edition
First viewed: March 24th 2006

well the title pretty much sums this episode up when I learnt it I was hyped as fuck holy shit holy shit I bet she is going to have flashbacks to how she was a serial killer thats what I had my money on no she did 9/11 no she tried to gas the jews man I knew it was going to be something awesome well she's sitting outside her house playing with a zippo lighter and this fucking drunk faggot who looks old enough to be her dad pulls up and hes so pissed he can hardly even walk into his own shitty house and she helps this guy called Wayne through the kitchen and he asks what that smell is and she puts him in his bed and he asks if she's going to take his pants off after shes done with his shoes what a fucking dick and then he grabs her arm and calls her beautiful but she just pulls away and says good night and she gets on her motorbike and drives away from this shitty house that her dad or whoever is sleeping in I bet hes touching himself thinking of her damn straight I know I do when I'm jacOH SHIT THE HOUSE JUST EXPLODED FUCK ME I GUESS THATS WHAT KATE DID

so I was thinking "so that was just the first person she killed right shes killed other people right" but when Kates booking a ticket to Tallahassee the marshal arrests her and tells her her mama turned her in so erm thats why he was after her killing one wife beating drunkard fag and the marshal is almost a big a dick as him and hes bringing her into custody shes saying she didnt do shit but hes wondering why he killed her step-father Wayne now and hes wondering if he raped her and she says he never touched her and shes in a bad mood because shes in hand cuffs and we know how Kate feels about bondage but then WOAH SHIT A HORSE RUNS IN FRONT OF THEIR CAR AND THEY CRASH and Kate gets the marshals keys and shoves him out the car and drives off and she goes to see her dad whos in the army and Sayid is actually on the tv behind him and it turns out she isnt her real dad her biological father was the guy she blew up and she asks him why he didnt tell her and he says he knew she'd kill her and she asks why he didnt kill him and he says that "because I dont have murder in my heart" oh man that was save this episode for me Kate has murder in her heart I guess its whats on the inside that counts after all it doesnt matter how many people she killed its why she killed that one drunkard faggot I guess she is kind of awesome after all someone who is also awesome is Jin who got some fiiine asian pussy last night he knows it his wife knows it and Hurley knows it and gives him a thumbs up rofl and speaking of romance Jack is tending to Sawyer in a highly homoerotic way and Sawyer whispers something about love and Jack gets a big thick boner and goes up to Sawyer and he says he loves Kate lmao owned and she is out picking apples up a tree and she almost falls off the dumb bitch and then out of fucking nowhere she sees a big black horse and she goes to look after Sawyer and shes having fun mashing up food and feeding him like a baby hmm interesting I guess she likes to be in control and she hates bondage maybe she's a dom and not a sub anyway Sawyer abruptly wakes up grabs her and asks why she killed him I just assumed he was delirious since the last thing he was probably thinking was how someone had shot him and he's probably going to die anyway Jack and Locke get back from Shannons funeral to find the alarm going off and OH SHIT ITS DOWN TO 23 SECONDS AND LOCKE TYPES IN THE NUMBERS 4 8 15 16 22 OH SHIT TYPO TYPO MEE MOO MEE MOO QUIVERING BEHIND YOUR KEYBOARD BACKSPACING BACKSPACING 23 42 OH SHIT ONE SECOND TO GO AND IT RESETS TO 108 HOLY SHIT and once Jack has made sure Sawyers ok he goes after Kate who just ran away and left him and the button and she starts getting all girly on him and starts whining that shes sorry shes not a good as him and he tries to calm her down and hold her still and acts like hes trying to rape her and then randomly she kisses him woah hot but Jack looks like he just saw a video of his cat being set on fire 100% fag

and back at the hatch Locke is finally using some bolt cutters to clip Jins fucking handcuff off his wrist after a month he gets it off and he takes it as a souvenir and Locke shows the nigs around the hatch and Micheal notes there are blast doors separating the living area, the hallway and the comp room and he shows them the orientation video and Micheal is skeptical and wants to poke around the computer and all the hardware there but Mr. Eko and Locke sit down and Eko says he'll start at the beginning and starts talking about jesus christ and Locke jokes that when he says the beginning he means it and he tells the story of Josiah found the old testament and rebuilt a temple with it and then Locke looks slightly amused until Eko opens the bible he has and inside is more parts to the ordination video and Locke gets a raging mystery boner so they set together piecing it together and Jacks out chopping wood and Hurley comes up and just deadpans "so... Roses husbands white... didnt see that one coming" and he talks about how he learnt about transference in the mental ward and it means Jacks frustrated because hes so gay and Kates in the bedroom talking to Sawyer and she thinks her dads possessing him and tells Wayne that he hates him not because of the way he looked at her or the way he treated her mother but because she was like him and shed never be good and whenever she felt something for Sawyer she was reminded of him and Sawyer wakes up and is like "WHO THE HELL IS WAYNE?" and he sees hes in a bunkbed and this was so heart wrenching he asks if they're saved and Kate says not yet oh man and he think shes in some funky hospital or something and Kates just playing with him and hes still convinced they've been rescued and they're back in civilization until she takes him outside and he see the jungle and is like "son of a bitch" and then they both see the horse and oh man its the horse that ran in front of the marshals car when she first escaped him

and she goes up to it and pets it aww she probably wants to suck its huge horse dick too lmao and it just trots back into the jungle wtf and back at the hatch Locke and Eko put the missing orientation movie section back into place and Locke remarks about how their destiny brought them together and Eko says "do not mistake coincidence for fate" oh man heavy and they watch the missing section and its that asian guy telling the viewer that they might want to try communicating with the outside world but they cant use the computer for anything other than pushing the button wtf why would they even say that maybe they want to see if people will try and I guess whoever cut that out wanted people to as well or maybe not know that was possible wtf does that comp have the fucking internet on it well we're about to find out Micheal is in the comp room where he hears this ping noise and he looks up at the timer thats still at 51 and he hears it again and stands up looking around and hears this beeping noise again and its the computer THERES AN INSTANT MESSAGE ON THE SCREEN wtf and it reads
Hello?
and Micheals stares at this perplexed and it prompts him with a few more beeps and hes like
"ook ook ook wtf lol lets chat"
so he types in
>: Hello?
and he gets the response
Who is this?
and hes like
"lmao a/s/l r u a qt white gurl"
and types in with his perfect negro grammar
>: This is Micheal. Who is this?
and he sits back waiting for his reply and I thought he would get 0 replied but instead he gets...


Dad?
AND MICHEALS LIKE "OMG WTF R U TROLLIN ME" AND HE STARTS CHIMPING OUT "WALT?!" HES QUIVERING BEHIND HIS KEYBOARD AHHHH TROLLED INTO OBLIVION JESUS HOLY SHIT

you know I was kinda disappointed that Ana wasnt in that episode much season 2 was having some low points but I remember when I watched The Other 48 Days it was at about midday and my family were pestering me to go outside I couldnt stop thinking about how awesome it was it was like the best bits of season 1 in one episode the gut wrenchingly awesome plane crash the infiltrator finding the hatch and we even got to see the Others again these savages kidnapping people and Goodwin I mean he seems perfectly civilized but the rest of the Others are barbarian like that was probably only the second episode I instantly thought was one of my favorites the first being of coarse Hearts and Minds (because of the hot bro/sis incest lmao) and then I thought fuck it and I went to the IMDb Lost forums and I didnt look at any of the newest threads I went back to the threads from a while ago about the episode I had seen and I saw the dumbest observations ever and I posted a thread about how hot that scene was with Ana-Lucia stomping on Sawyer but everyone hated her for some reason I was glad there was finally someone to put that unfunny faggot Sawyer in his place and it was by a capable hardcore chick who actually took things seriously and got something done for once and didnt go cry in a tree waiting to get saved she kicked some fucking ass and she can roll a shhh and a shutup into a shhhutup but everyone else thought she was an angry bitch yelling at their favorite lovable Sawyer probably because they are all nerds who are intimidated by independent women and someone pointed out that the episode I was talking abouts title was a reference to the tv show Everybody Hates Chris and I posted "hey I know why everybody hates Chris ITS BECAUSE HES A NIGGER" but IMDb word filters the the word nigger lmao and I looked up that the next episode was Mr. Eko centric well I bet his deal is as big a let down as Kate only killing one guy lets find out...

LOST 2x10: The 23rd Psalm
jesus stick special edition
First viewed: March 27th 2006


so Ekos flashbacks revealed that his life was pretty much the exact same as Will Smiths here let me sum it up for you

now this is the story all about how
my life got flipped turned upside down
and Id like to take a minute just sit right there
Ill tell you how I became the drug lord of a country called nigeria

in west nigeria born and raised
on the football pitch where I spent most of my days
chilling out huffing jenkem starvin all cool
and all kicking some football outside of the church
when a couple of militant thugs said kill this old guy
started making trouble in my shitty village
I killed one little old guy for my brother and he got scared
and this thug said youre moving with my militant homies in nigeria

I begged and pleaded with him the other day
but he ripped off my cross and sent me on my way
he gave me some drugs and he gave me my gun
I put my armless trenchcoat on and said I might aswell kick it

drug lord yo this is bad
tastin heroin off a machete blade
is this what badass drug lords livin like
hmm this might be alright!

I met some moroccan drug dealers and when they refused my offer
one had a gay afro and the other looked like m0nde
If anything they said I had no soul
but I thought now forget it Ill slit their throats in one blade swipe

I pulled up to a church about four or eight
and I yelled to my priest brother yo homes sign these ordination documents and me a priest
looked at some virgin mary statues to smuggle drugs in and I was finally there
to settle my throne as the drug lord of nigeria


yep thats pretty much it lmao holy shit that was the coolest shit I've ever written in my life unlike the following Claire sees that there is some new black meat in town so she goes to flirt with Mr. Eko but hes more interested in carving scripture into his stick

and he tells her her baby is named after Moseses brother who spoke for him because he was a little nerd and Claire says he should talk to Charlie because he is also a religious nut and carries around a virgin mary statue and demands that she shows him and he smashes it in front of her and Claire instantly recognizances the little brown bags inside as heroin so he goes to get Charlie to show him where he found it and Claire kind of brakes up with Charlie for lying about the drugs even though he ripped them up in front of her and spread heroin all over the beach she doesnt care and she tells him she doesnt want him sleeping near her baby owned so he takes Eko to some random ass tree saying thats where he found it and Eko calls bullshit and is like TAKE ME TO DA PLANE and he gives him shit about the drugs and Charlie goes on a rant that Eko is generally d/cing about and then WOAH SHIT HE SEES THIS WISP OF BLACK SMOKE SNAKE PAST THROUGH THE AIR WTF and he finds the priest corpse that Locke and Boone found like a week ago and it has a gold tooth and no cross and he thought it was his brother and then he says this man saved my life and says a prayer for him wow was that guy one of his henchmen oh man and then Charlies giving him shit again when Eko tells him to climb a tree to get his bearings and hes like "what if I dont? you gonna beat me with your jesus stick?" and he sees it has dried blood on it so he races up this tree like some sort of hobbit you know if Kate was there she'd be climbing that tree like a monkey and Ekos watching Charlies tight white ass wiggle up this tree when he hears this... chirping noise... this clicking... and its moving around and getting slightly louder... and then it drifts off and stops and Eko looks into the jungle through the tree line and then OH SHIT A TREE GETS RIPPED UP AND THERES THIS HOWLING AND CHARLIE SCREAMS RUN RUN AND THERES A TERRIBLE ROAR AND ANOTHER TREE IS UPROOTED AND WE SEE THE MONSTERS PERSPECTIVE RACING THROUGH THE JUNGLE WINDING OVER BUSH CRASHES THROUGH A TREE AND FLOATS RIGHT UP AT EKO AND BARES DOWN ON HIM OH GOD CHARLIE LOOKS DOWN AND ITS THIS GIANT CLOUD OF BLACK SMOKE RIGHT IN FRONT OF EKO

HOLY SHIT AND HE JUST STANDS THERE OH MY GOD THIS BLACK SMOKE MONSTER IS GLARING RIGHT IN HIS FACE MAKING THIS PRIMAL GROWLING NOISE AND HE JUST LOOKS AT IT OH MY LORD HES STANDING UP TO IT HES STANDING UP TO THE MONSTER FUCK YEAH AND HES STARING IT DOWN AS MAKES MENACING CLICKING SOUNDS

AND THEYRE ONLY A FOOT APART AND THE CAMERA PANS THROUGH THE SMOKE MONSTER AS EKO STANDS OFF WITH IT AND WE SEE FLASHES OF IMAGES FROM HIS PAST AS IT MAKES DEEP SNARLING NOISES AND WE ROTATE RIGHT THROUGH IT 180 DEGREES AND THESE TWO BIG BLACKS ARE STILL FACE TO FACE AND EKO STANDS HIS GROUNDS STARING DEFIANTLY AT THIS TERRIFYING MASS OF PITCH BLACK SMOKE


AND THEN IT REARS AWAY AND MAKES A GUTTURAL GURGLING NOISE AND SHRINKS DOWN AND BACKS AWAY OH MY GOD ITS RETREATING IT THINS OUT AND CURLS BACK INTO THE JUNGLE YEH THATS RIGHT GET THE FUCK OUT AND EKO LOOKS UP AT CHARLIE LIKE IM DA BIGGA NIGGA HOLY MOTHER OF COW SHIT
well that was the most amazing shit I have ever seen in my life I cannot fucking believe it I mean that was the first good look at the monster since the season 1 finale what in godsname and whats even more awesome is that this fucking I mean a smoke monster what the shit and Eko he just fucking stands there he fucking stands up to it oh my god so awesome and Charlie thinks so and he asks Eko why he didnt run and Eko says "I WAS NOT AFRAID OF IT" fuck yeh and it fucking jogged the fuck on and they just carry on to the plane and what the fuck was that about it like reading his flashbacks we see glimpses of why hes so interested in this plane its because back in nigeria his henchmen are loading it up with the virgin mary statues and they are dressed as priests and another ones standing guard with an AK-47 and his priest brother drives up telling him if he gets on that plane he'll die and Eko mocks him and asks him if hes a profit now then this truck full of military soldiers drives down the airstrip and the two henchmen open fire oh shit

THEYVE HAD THEIR JENKEM!! OH SNAP THE THUGS AND MILITARY EXCHANGE FIRE AND THE ONE WITH THE AK HITS THE DRIVER OF THE TRUCK AND HES LIKE "HELLA YEH SON" BUT THEY SHOOT AND KILL HIM AND EKOS BROTHER YEMI JUMPS IN FRONT OF THE OTHER ONE AND TELLS THEM TO STOP THIS BUT HE GETS HIT IN THE CHEST AND EKO PUSHES HIM INTO THE PLANE AND TRIES TO JUMP IN TO MAKE HIS GET AWAY BUT THE OTHER THUG DRESSED AS A PREIST WITH A GOLD TOOTH KICKS EKO OUT AND TAKES OFF WITHOUT HIM

holy shit that was awesome and when they get to the plane still on the ground where Boone fell in it Eko finds his brothers corpse and the military thought he was his bro and he accepts his role as a priest and he takes the cross necklace from his brother and then he sets the plane on fire cremating his brother and he starts resiting the 23rd psalm and Charlie joins in at the the shadow of the valley of death part lol its the the valley of the shadow of death yeh hes not a very good priest he'd probably pray to allah by accident if Sayid didnt have the only prayer mat on the island rofl so they head back to the beach and Micheal was getting Locke to train him how to fire a riffle by shooting at some DHARMA ranch dressing and the label on that actually has a typo its called DHARAMA lmao and he gets this really chimped out look on his face and I guess Locke thought giving the nigger a gun would be a good idea

and then after checking the hatch is empty he gets on the comp again and he tries to get the chat going again but he cant work it what a n00b and he just starts hitting keys trying to trigger something and he sits there and suddenly he gets the message
Dad?
like it just scrolls in where you're meant to type in the numbers and it promps him for a response and he types in
>: Are you O.K?
I dont know why he's using his perfect grammar probably scared Vitafin will pop up behind him and correct him lmao anyway he waits for the response
Yes.
and he breaths a sigh of relief but then he gets another message
Are you alone?
so he replies
>: Yes.
and he gets the news
Can't talk long. They're coming back soon...
so he asks
>: Where are you?
and he waits for the reply and it starts coming up
You need to com-
and Micheal reads this message scrolling in but then Jack fucking walks in and when Micheal looks back at the screen his chat is gone and Jack tells him noones forgotten about Walt and they'll do everything to get him back and Micheals thanks him and he pats him on the back and walks off what the fuck is this alright first of all how does this fucking chat work I mean I assume Walt is on another computer on the island and the computers are on some kind of intranet but I mean its really fishy that Walt would have access to one and even if he worked this out how would he know like which one micheal had access to and when he'd be there can he monitor him somehow and then I remembered Walt might have like fucking psychic powers or some shit maybe he has like internet super powers where he can chat with offline comps and then I thought maybe Micheals just imagining it like its an island vision and thats why it comes and goes whenever he wants it to and then I thought holy shit what if its the Others who know where Micheal is and are trying to lure him out yes oh my god thats why the grammar is so perfect I mean ok lets assume that Walt being only 10 years old and black has prefect typing skills well hes kidnapped and trying to get his dad to save him I'm pretty sure he wouldnt be bothering with fullstops and shifts and fucking apostrophes if I was Walt I'd hit fucking caps lock and be like OMG FUCKING GSSAVE ME OK MMMMGTHEYREGONNAF FUKING RAPEM OIHE EIHS HTI DAD SACVE ME AHHHH SHTFUCJ and why is it asking him if he's alone and stuff yeh thats it its the Others pretending to be Walt chatting with Micheal wow THIS NIGGER IS GETTING ADVANCED LEVEL INSTANT MESSAGE TROLLED LMAO

man I loved that episode it had everything a big black nigger standing up to a big black smoke monster with his jesus stick man I was so scared of that smoke monster I literally made my own jesus stick to protect myself with:

I made that like two years ago lmao smoke monsters and Others and towel elephants dont fuck with me I carved in like two scripture verse titles that I dont even know what they are and got bored I should probably fill in the rest with ytmnd fads and 4chan memes and what else I loved about this episode was those niggers shooting at each other with AK47s and I'd seen images from various wars with the same theme and did some research and came to the conclusion that the second Liberian Civil war was one of the funniest ever so I got a bunch of images from it and made this gif and made it into a ytmnd a while ago: http://ubernewniggerhack.ytmnd.com/ good times good times

LOST 2x11: The Hunting Party
geronimo jackson special edition
First viewed: March 30th 2006

so Jacks having a nightmare/flashback to the time he first kissed a girl aged like 42 and afterwards he looked like imagine my face if you told me Lost was canceled and his dads constantly giving him shit and his wife leaves him because he is so gay and he tells her he can fix it and she says she was having an afair oh that Jack he can fix spines but he cant fix his own sexuality and then wakes up in the bunk in the hatch and goes to flirt with Locke only to find him in knocked out in the armory and when he turns around

OH SHIT ITS MICHEAL CHIMPING OUT WAVING A BOLTACTION RIFLE ABOUT AND HES RANTING ABOUT HOW ITS HIS FATHERS RIGHT TO GO AFTER HIS BOY AND HOW THEY ARE N00BS AND DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT THE COMPUTER AND HE LOCKS JACK IN THE ARMORY OH MAN man oh man and Jack tries to climb out the vent but Locke nailed it shut from the inside lol how did he even fit in there you know this armory is pretty cool but I kind of liked only having five guns in play but now we have like an unlimited amount and loads of assault rifles and shotguns anyway Kate wakes up Sawyer by throwing a banana at him and he says theres nicer ways to wake a man up well I'm sure Jack would love to help rofl and they go down the hatch to change his bandages and open the armory to find Jack loading the fuck up ready to roll out and he sticks a handgun down his pants and hands Locke one and takes an AK-47 for himself and Sawyer takes a handgun for himself and says its good thing hes traveling with his doctor since hes still on antibiotics and Kate wants a gun too but Jack just tells her to fuck off its boys fucking only today Jack obv wants to go on a cool jungle adventure with his two boyfriends and not have Kate and her cuteness turning him off rofl so Locke tracks Micheal but he doesnt want to find him because he doesnt think they should tell him to come back but Jack wants to talk him out of it and Sawyer wants to get a change at revenge on the Others for shooting him on the raft and Locke asks him why he picked the name James I just realized everyone on this rescue party has their first name beginning with J Jack James and John and Jin wanted to go but his wife is making him wear this fucking hat lmao

and Kates talking to Hurley and he tells the asians whats up but then says "later dudes gotta get to the hatch" radical and down there him and Charlie are discussing their women troubles and Hurley thinks he might actually get laid with Libby for once in his fat life and Charlie wonders if Claire misses him after literally a day and they talk about some fucking hippy band Geronimo Jackson and how noones ever heard of them and Sayid comes in like "this music is quite depressing" and they update him that the three Js and Kate have gone to get Micheal back and Sayid is generally d/c and the three guys are about to start sucking each others dicks when they hear WOAH SHIT LOADS OF GUNSHOTS and Jack just runs to their source straight away and Locke finds bullet shots in trees and empty casings by another one and there was something about how many shots they heard that went totally over my head and they go searching until nighttime and Jack tells Locke if they go back they're never going to see him again and thats going to be on them and then they hear "YOURE EXACTLY RIGHT JACK... BUT IF I WERE YOU... ID LISTEN TO MISTER LOCKE" holy shit they turn around and see OH SHIT ITS THE BEARDED HILLBILLY FROM THE RAFT

and Jack asks him who he is and Sawyer answers he's the son of a bitch who shot him on the raft and he draws his gun and OH SHIT SAWYER GETS SHOT IN THE EAR BY A SNIPER HIDDEN IN THE JUNGLE OH FUCK and Jack asks where Micheal is and this hillbilly just says Micheals not going to find them and he asks Locke to build them a fire so they can have a talk oh man and he says Jack can sit down because he comes in peace lol and Locke asks him how he knows their names but Jack buts in asking about Walt and the hillbilly says hes a special boy lmao pedophile and he says "tell me, you go over to a mans house for the first time... do you take off your shooooes? you put your feet up on his coffee table? go into the kitchen and eat food that doesnt belong to you? open the door to rooms you got no business opening? you know somebody a whole lot smarter than anyone here once said 'since the dawn of our species, man has been blessed with curiosity' you know the other one about curiosity dont you Jack? this is not your island, this is our island, and the only reason you're livin on it... is because we let you live on it" and Jack just goes into man of science mode and grins like a loon and says "heh I dont believe you... I think youve got one guy up there with a gun... if you had any real strength... you wouldnt have had to send a spy... Ethan" OH SNAP SON and the hillbilly just says "thats an interesting theory... LIGHT EM UUUUP!" and OH FUCK ALL THESE TORCHES ARE LIT UP AND THEIR SURROUNDED BY OTHERS OH SHIT OH SHIT and he tells them there's a line right there they cant cross and they should just put down their weapons and go home before their misunderstanding turns into something else and Jack just fucking stands up to him and refuses fuck yeah and the hillbilly Other calls out for Alex to bring someone out wait isnt Alex the name of fre-

OH FUCK ITS KATE HES GOT KATE HOSTAGE OH CHRIST AND HE PULLS A LUGER PISTOL TO HER THROAT AND SAYS "JACK THE DECISION YOU GOT TO MAKE IS THIS CAN YOU LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT I SHOT THIS WOMAN RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU WHEN YOU COULD HAVE SAVED HER LIFE WHEN YOU COULD HAVE GIVEN UP AND GONE HOME OR ARE YOU GONNA GIVE ME YOUR GUNS AND WALK AWAY ITS YOUR CALL JACK" AND SAWYER THREATENS THAT IF HES TOUCHED HER H-AND HE JUST TELLS HIM TO SHUT UP AND HE SAYS "IMGONNA COUNT TO THREE... ONE..." AND JACK PACES ABOUT AND HES GETTING FUCKING RAGED AND KATES FUCKING PISSING HERSELF "...TWO..." JACK LOOKS AT HER AND GLARES AT THIS OTHER "THR-"STOP! AND OH MAN HE PUTS DOWN HIS GUNS HOLY SHIT holy shit and Locke puts down his gun and the Other tells him to put down the other one and Locke takes out a second handgun how did he know holy shit and Sawyer puts down his gun and tells the Other "you and me aint done Zeke" and you know how in movies and TV shows whenever anyone so much as looks at a gun it clicks like a cricket and when they handle one it clicks like mad not when they cock it or anything just like they're told to put in those clicking sound effects to remind the audience someones holding a gun that has mechanical features inside or something anyway when the other picks up all their guns they all click like fucking mad and he just sort of walks backwards into the jungle as all the torches go out and Kate looks so relieved when they Sawyer unties her and Jack just asks if shes ok and walks off and she says she was just trying to help and shes sorry goddamn it dumb bitch I hope the Others raped her fuck shes incredibly not cool recently since we found out all she did was blow up her dad and when they get back Lockes like "seya James" and he goes up to Aron and is like "remember uncle Johnny" and Charlie looks pissed and Jack goes up to talk to Ana since noone else will other than Vincent and he asks her if he killed one of them and asks "how long do you think it would take to train an army?" lol wut well that episode was a bit lame other than like one scene that was intense as a dogs knot rofl


so after that episode I wanted to discuss it on the net but all anyone was talking about on IGN was Snakes on a Plane which was the next big thing and on the ytmnd forums everyone was talking about uhhh UltraViolet yeh 06 was off the hook but I was still like 6 episode behind the US and I had to dodge spoilers on IMDb and I saw a thread about these things called podcasts and I was linked to a popular one about Lost so I listened to it and it was actually awesome an mp3 of two guys talking about Lost for an hour ace and I found some more of these "Lost podcasts" there was a father and son team some guy and his wife two girls talking about the latest jack/sawyer slashfiction rofl man awesome so I bookmarked these and listened to them after I watched each episode but I still preferred reading forums about it but whenever I tried to post on the more serious ones I was immediately told to get out but on IMDb it was cool because pretty much everyone was a troll and we could all post rape jokes all we wanted as long as the admins didnt catch us riding dirty

LOST 2x12: Fire + Water
you hittin that special edition
First viewed: April 2nd 2006

and it turns out the next episode wasnt very popular with the Lost online community probably because it fucking sucked now dont get me wrong this is probably the worst episode of Lost ever but that means its still better than anything ever I'd rather watch this trash than fuck your mom which is saying something anyway we open in Charlies flashback when he was a kid and its christmas and his mum gives him a piano (OH YEH MERRY CHRISTMAS FUCK OFF) and his brothers uhh like 30 years old in a nappy playing with his voltron and Charlies an adult and his dads there in his butchers outfit cutting the heads off of baby dolls wtf and then hes on the beach playing the piano and he hears the baby crying in it but he hears the whispers in the jungle and when he turns around the pianos washing out to sea and theres the flashback sound and he wakes up

and that happens again when hes playing his guitar on the beach and he sees Aron in his shitty boar glue crib washing out to sea and he swims in and hes a pretty good swimmer and he saves the baby and he sees his mum and Claire dressed as angles from that painting about jesus getting baptized and you can see the beachcraft crashing in the upper left and this fucking dove flys down out of a sonic boom and past him and Hurley comes out dressed as John the baptist and Charlie wakes up at night holding the baby and Claire takes her baby back and slaps Charlie owned so after those two trippy as fuck like fake flashbacks we get his real one which was about how terrible his band was doing and they had to do adverts with theyre one hit wonder song for nappies lmao but his brother is too fucked up from heroin to even do that also note the polar bears

also note that dumb building thats on an album cover noone cares long story short his brother dropped his baby that I thought might be Charlies at the start and he sells the piano to go to a rehab clinic in australia wow that flashback was boring kind of like this entire episode which was like an entire B-story it was like a romantic comedy Sawyers trying to teach him how to play DHARMA cards with and he yells hay to Libby and runs away and she looks over and says "hey yourself" and they go and do laundry which was a cute scene

she comments that the washer and dryer look newer and Hurley asks if he knows her from somewhere and Libby gets her tits out to change her top holy shit and she trys on a lovley dress that Hurley gets a boner for and she says he stepped on her foot on the plane wait she was in the back of the plane and he got on last uhhh Ana tries flirting with Jack and they talk about Kate and she drops the line

"YOU HITTIN THAT?" rofl and Locke finds Charlies stash of heroin and he doesnt give a shit about him saying its the island testing him and then Charlie goes to Eko and hes busy marking trees he likes and he says his dreams mean the baby needs saving so he tries to tell Claire this but she is like "sry major d/c" and Kate is like her bodyguard and this was hilarious Charlie is trying to get at Claire to bother her but Kate just sort of stands there in front of him and he trys to walk forwards but hes just sort of walking in place in the sand and then Kate pushes him backwards and hes pretty much just moonwalking away from the tent as Kate dominates him and Locke watches this and we get that same camera movement as in Tabula Rasa so that night Charlie sets a fire and when everyones putting it out he snatches the baby and Claire screams and Locke runs up and gets the baby from Charlie

LOCKE LUMPS CHARLIE THE FUCK OUT that was the only cool thing and Ekos sad his favorite trees are burnt and Claires worried her baby wont go to heaven so Eko tells her about when Jesus was baptized uhhh excuse me I'm pretty sure Jesus wasnt fucking baptized I think the entire point of your religion is that Jesus was born without sin anyway he baptizes them both and I'm pretty sure there needs to be a godparent there but the only other catholic on the island is Charlie so I guess whatever uhh that episode was fucking shit

LOST 2x13: The Long Con
donkey kong special edition
First viewed: April 5th 2006

so this episode was one of those shitty who-done-its for some reason everyone loved this episode I thought this was just an excuses to empty the armory and it only served to remind me how annoyingly unfunny and pathetic Sawyer is like in his flashback a girl wants him to teach her how to con and they sell some fake necklaces to that guy Ana killed and Sawyer met his partner at a diner and they were served by Kates mom and turns out he was doing a long con on her and he does the same thing on the island where Jack and Locke put the marshals gun case in the armory and Jack asks him what the combo is and he hopes its just in case he falls off a cliff or something and he's the only one who knows it and not just because Jack doesnt trust him and Jack just says there's a lot of cliffs on the island was that a jab at Boone dying idk and Jack goes to get medicine and Jack just doesnt care about his shitty threats and later on Kate gives Sawyer a magazine called Elegance idk why they have that down the hatch isnt it two guys on shift down there maybe they just want to see if theyll jack off to the models lol and so Sawyer reads how to tell if a man is sensitive and he says Lockes a sensitive guy lol he is he is constantly flirting with Claire he is pimping and Sun is out in her garden and Vincent runs in and she tells him to fuck off in english and then in Korean and he responds to that better and it starts to rain and out of nowhere WOAH FUCK THIS BAG IS PUT OVER HER HEAD AND SHES DRAGGED KICKING AND SCREAMING INTO THE JUNGLE OH FUCK

and Sawyer and Kate hear her and run out and she's just laying there but shes breathing so they take her to Jack and he makes sure shes ok and Jacks ready to kick some Other ass but Lockes more aprehensive and Sawyer doesnt even think it was them the bag they used was different and they said they'd leave them alone and Kate instantly suspects Ana because she is a racist and hates beaners look at her racist gaze gb2stormfront.org Kate lmao she looks like my sister just caught me jacking off into her pantie drawer a while ago I would have thought it was Kate but all she did was blow up her dad and now she's just prime kidnap fodder and she tells Jack but he doesnt care not because he wants to fuck Ana because they are trying to build that dumb army and Scotts signed up but thats Steve Scotts dead wait how can Ana even get them mixed up she never met Scott uh anyway and shit kicks off when Sun wakes up and says she didnt see anything and Jin demands a gun all he can say is GUN GUN GUN lol and Kate tells Sawyer to go to the hatch to warn Locke theyre coming for the guns and Locke is literally going through all the books opening them up to see if they have any more orientation videos and he thinks the door will just slow them down so he gets Sawyer to man the button while he goes to hide the guns and when Jack and Jin get there Sawyers like "hang on I'm like this close to the high score on donkey kong" and he puts in the numbers at a typing speed of about 1wpm and you know the funny thing is I think he could actually play donkey kong on that Apple II comp and Jack sees the that guns are gone and goes to kick Lockes ass for moving them and hes about to suck his dick when OH SHIT THEY HEAR SHOTS GO OFF AND SAWYER STEPS OUT HOLDING A GUN AND HE GIVES THIS GAY SPEECH "you took my stuff while I was off trying to get us rescued you found my stash wah wah and you decided these two fags here were going to tell you what to do well I'm done taking orders and I dont want my stuff back shaving cream dont matter batteries dont matter the only thing that matters now are guns and if you want one youre going to have to come to me to get it theres a new sheriff in town boys yall best get used to it"

and then he points out that Sayid would love to torture him but hed die before hed tell him where the guns are uh yeh I dont think thats how getting tortured by a professional interrogator works last time he bottled it after he got a knife held to his eye what a fucking faggot and that night Sayid has hacked that short wave radio the tailies found that Hurley gave him and he told him that Bernard was a dentist well I guess that would mean he had some medical training idk why Libby was their like doctor or maybe all he can do is pull out teeth I hope he saves the day by like pulling out a bomb in someones tooth anyway Sayid turns this radio on with this crunk ass antenna for Hurley who was reading manuscript of Bad Twin by Gary Troup and he picks up Frenchies distress call I still down know why they havnt tried finding that radio tower and they pick up OH MAN A RADIO SHOW PLAYING MUSIC OH WOW and Sayid says it could be coming from anywhere and Hurley says "OR ANYTIME" oh man nice theory and that night Sawyer is meeting someone and I was thinking how that con didnt make sense how did he even know where the guns were and then OH MAN CHARLIE COMES OUT AND IT TURNS OUT IT WAS HIM WHO KIDNAPPED SUN NOT THE OTHERS WOAH THEY SET UP THE WHOLE THING JUST TO GET LOCKE TO MOVE THE GUNS SO CHARLIE COULD SEE WHERE HE MOVED THEM TOO OH FUCK well that episode still sucked you know Lost was starting to get shit first few episodes were cool because what turned out to be in the hatch was awesome that pushing the button shit incredible but then it degraded into Shannon dieing major d/c and there was that awesome tailies centric episode but their story just ended when they joined the camp and the last few episodes have ruined Kate by revealing all she did was blow up her dad for being a dick and the Eko episode was awesome but the last few episodes have been major d/c other than that one scene with the Others in it in Jacks episode and Charlies episode was like holy shit get the fuck out of here ugh I wish something interesting would happen for once

LOST 2x14: One of Them
coconut internet special edition
First viewed: April 8th 2006

so this episode was pretty awesome because it was all about torture which was what the flashback was about Sayid in the Iraqi army during the first Gulf War where he was shredding all of Saddams (RIP) cp collection when the american soldiers barged in and they capture him and his commanding officer who they want to interrogate for the location of a captured pilot and they get Sayid to interrogate since he learnt english from watching porn prolly and he asks his captian or whatever where the captured pilot is and he says "tell him his mother is a goat" rofl owned

all this talk of a pilot made me think of the pilot from flight 815 maybe they were the same guy well I guess not since this guy called Joe Inman made Sayid torture him for the intel and it turns out he died and it turns out this guy speaks sand nigger fine and Sayid also meets that guy Kate thought was her dad he even had a cute pic of her that was cool but what else was cool was probably one of the dumbest B-stories ever Sawyer hears a frog making a really loud annoying mating call croak that he ends up killing for waking him up

that was sad but noone will help him since he pulled that gun stealing stunt other than Hurley and just because he found him eating loads of food he's been stealing like the DHARMA ranch dressing that keeps at room temperatures for like 7 years and he blackmails him to tell him where the frog is by threating to make his "ranch disorder the lead item on the coconut internet" lmao but Hurley is like "yeh tell everyone the fat guys hording food yeh I'm fat fat fat fat big deal atleast people like me" but Sawyer asks nicely so they do and after Sawyer crushes this poor frog he hands it to Hurley and it was funny when Sawyer caught Hurley in his food stash and waved his food around in front of him what a fatass

the main story was where shit got radical Ana tells Sayid she sees someone in the jungle and its Frenchy and he tells Ana to go back and not tell anyone thats where she is cool Kate would tell Jack, Locke, Sawyer and Hurley and Frenchy has to give Sayid her rifle so that he trusts her and he still checks to make sure the firing pins in this one and she shows him WOAH ITS SOME GUY IN A NET HE SAYS HES HENRY GALE FROM MINNESOTA and when Sayid cuts him down he fucking legs it and Frenchy shoots him with a fucking crossbow holy shit and Sayid talks him back to the hatch where Jack walks in on him and Locke questioning him and Jack pulls put this arrow with some pliers while Sayid convinces Locke that he doesnt just want someone to punish for Shannons death he needs to find out who Henry is and he needs some privacy so Locke changes the combo of the armory

and they move him in there and when Sayid locks himself in with Henry and Jacks freaking out and Locke tries to convince him that this has to happen in a war and Jacks cleaning up the bloody from Henrys arrow wound and he notices his pliers are gone jesus and Locke tries to reason with him but Jack just tells him to shut up haha and in the armory Sayid is interrogating Henry this was so fucking ace Henry wants to know where he is but Sayid is checking his story he crashed there 4 months ago with his wife in a balloon and they stayed on the beach because they had an ADF beacon and he tries to tell Sayid hes not who he thinks he is and he wants to know Sayids name but then he asks him about his wife her maiden name was Murphy and he met her at the university of minnesota and she got sick and died and I was believing him totally and he doesnt understand why he has to tell him who he is but Sayid wont tell him who he is and Sayid tells him how the americans came to his country in 23 and when they left he had a new skill set and he says "MY NAME IS SAYID JARRAH... AND I AM A TORTURER" oh shit and he asks him to tell him everything about his balloon and he says "shes a 140 feet high and 60 feet wide and when shes in the air 550 cubic feet of helium and 100000 of hot air keep her up and if you could look down on her youd see a big yellow smiley face on the top" and he was rich enough to do it and his wife thought it would be "neat" and Sayid corrects him that he was rich and Henry just says hes thinking in the past tense now and he was rich from owning a company that mines non metallic minerals yeh he was the life of the cocktail parties lmao but Sayid thinks that was nf and OH SHIT SAYID GETS THE PLIERS OUT AND PUTS HENRYS FINGER IN THEM OH JESUS

AND HE ASKS HIM ABOUT HIS WIFE WHERE SHE WAS BURIED AND HOW LONG IT TOOK TO BURY HER AND HE DOESNT KNOW AND HE ASKS SAYID IF HE LOST SOMEONE AND SAYID SAYS THE WOMAN WHO KILLED HER THOUGHT SHE WAS SOMEONE COMING TO HURT HER SOMEONE LIKE YOU AND HE FUCKING RAGES ON HIM and Jack hears whats going on and demands that Locke opens the door but he wont and JACK GRABS LOCKE BY THE COLLAR AND SHOVES HIM AGAINST THE WALL AND ASKS HIM IF HE WANTS TO PUSH THE BUTTON AND THE ALARMS SOUNDING AND ITS DOWN TO THE ONE MINUTE MARK WHERE IT GOES REALLY FRANTIC AND JACK SAYS THATS ONE MINUTE HE BETTER THINK FAST AND LOCKE ASKS HIM IF HED RISK EVERYONES LIVES AND JACK GOES INTO UBER MAN OF SCIENCE MODE AND SAYS HE DOESNT THINK ANYTHINGS GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN THEY GET DOWN TO ZERO YOU WANNA SEE WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN HUH LETS JUST SEE WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN HOLY SHIT

OH FUCK ITS DOWN TO 27 SECONDS AND SO LOCKE TELLS JACK THE COMBO BUT JACK MAKES HIM DO IT SO HE OPENS THE DOOR AND JACK RUSHES IN AND PULLS SAYID OFF OF HENRY AND LOCKE RUNS INTO THE COMPUTER ROOM AND ITS DOWN TO 11 SECONDS AND THE ALARMS GOING INSANE AND HE TYPES IN THE NUMBERS 4 8 16 16 OH SHIT TYPO OH GOD HES QUIVERING BEHIND HIS KEYBOARD AND HE BACKSPACES AHHHH I FUCKING LIVE FOR THIS SHIT

THE ALARMS GOING TOTALLY APESHIT HOLY SHIT AND IT GETS DOWN TO 1 SECOND HE CANT TYPE FAST ENOUGH HOLY SHIT AHHH ITS DOWN TO 0 AND THE ALARM STOPS AND OH MY GOD THE COUNTER FLIPS UP TO SHOW SOME FUCKING RED AND BLACK EGYPTIAN HIEROGLYPHS OF A BIRD SYMBOL OH JESUS AND THIS FUCKING MECHANICAL GENERATOR WHIRRING SOUND POWERS UP AND LOCKE SHITS HIMSELF AND SOME WEIRD LEAF SYMBOL FLIPS UP AND THEN AN ARROW AND THEN A FEATHER AND THEN LOCKE SCRAMBLES ALL OVER HIS KEYBOARD AND QUIVERS AT MACH SPEED 50 TO TYPE IN THE REST OF THE NUMBERS AND HIT EXECUTE AND THE COUNTER FLIPS BACK TO 108 AND THE MECHANICAL SOUND POWERS DOWN WOAH SHIT JUST KICKED UP A NOTCH
and Jack drags Sayid out of the armory and Henry sneaks him a tiny little smirk and Jack says that Frenchy tortured him because she thought he was an Other and Locke strolls in and says he is they're all Others to her its all relative and Jack has had fucking enough of this bullshit and just walks off and that night Sayid sits by the shore with Charlie and tells him what he did today and he knows hes an Other because he feels no guilt for beating his face to a pulp but he cant explain that to Jack or even Locke because they have both forgotten that Charlie was strung up by his neck and left for dead and took Claire and that these Others are merciless and he asks Charlie if he has forgotten too holy fucking shit that was intense as fuck I dont know this


LOST 2x15: Maternity Leave
drug rape special edition
First viewed: April 11th 2006

this episode starts with Claires baby crying almost as annoying as when she cries and shes convinced her baby is sick so she tries to walk to the hatch to get Jack but Locke goes for her and while shes waiting oh fuck Danielle Rousseau wanders up and tells her her baby is infected and Claire starts screaming for her to get away from her and she asks if she remembers and Claire gets these flashes with this really annoying alarm going off planes on a crib mobile a fridge with bottles in it a knitting needle a bottle a jewish looking teenaged girl a syringe being injected into her pregnant belly holy shit and then Kate comes running up telling Frenchy to get away from Claire more aggressively than she did with Charlie I guess shes still her bodygaurd and she tells Jack that the babies sick and Jack is just generally d/cing so in the morning Kate and Claire go to see Libby who is playing with Vincent with Hurley and Libby says she is a clinical physiologist and she helps Claire mediate and its like shes making it up as she goes along bullshitting about breathing and visualizing and Claire hears that really annoying alarm again and gets those flashes and she has a flashback to her getting a pregnancy checkup in this clinic and the doctor asks her when her last checkup as and she says shes been busy and shes going to LA to give the baby up for adoption and he goes over to this fridge and takes out a bottle of something and draws it into his syringe and says hes going to give her a shot now and OH SHIT ITS ETHAN THE DOCTORS ETHAN ROM MOTHERFUCKER AND HE SAYS SHELL JUST FEEL A LITTLE PRICK HAHAHA AND HE INJECTS THIS SHIT INTO CLAIRE WHOS TOTALLY RELAXED BUT SHE SNAPS OUT OF HER FLASHBACK MEDITATING ON THE BEACH AND SCREAMS HER FACE OFF WOAH and Kate runs up yelling what did Libby to do her jesus christ someones a little over protective and she tells her that Ethan had her drugged in an examination room and she needs to find it because it had medicine for her baby and isnt that the same vaccine Desmond was injecting himself with at the very start of season 2 hmmm and Claire has another flashback to Ethan giving her another injection and shes clearly off her fucking face on something and he says since shes been such a good girl its time for a surprise I thought he was going to rape her right there since shes already off her face and Ethan looks like a drug rapist and then but instead he takes her out into a long creepy hallway and its like another DHARMA hatch oh man and it has a symbol with a caduceus I guess this is the medical hatch and Ethan takes her to this nursery thats in baby blue and she asks what happened to Charlie and he just says he let him go rofl and shes so high she thinks this monkey sign is hilarious and she sees a plane mobile just like in her dream with the black and white eyed Locke its got the same oceanic planes and when she turns it on it sings the tune to Catch a Falling Star woah weird didnt she say her dad sung that for when she was going to give the baby away and he goes over to the door and talks to someone

and its like his boss dressed in normal clothes whos giving him into trouble and Ethan says it wasnt his fault they had a manifest and this guy asks what hes meant to tell him and he looks over at Claire and is like dammit Ethan like he drug rapes girls all the time WAIT A SECOND IS THAT THE BEARDED OTHER SAWYER CALLED ZEKE THAT MET THE HUNTING PARTY BUT WITHOUT HIS BEARD WTF

and then her and Kate go to find Frenchy who gets all agitated when Claire asks her where the medical hatch is and she grabs her and demands to know where it is and Kate draws her gun and tells her to get her hands off of Claire woah overprotective much and Frenchers just walks right up to Kates gun and asks her to kill her and she wasnt bluffing and Claire has another flashback about Ethan taking her outside while she was knitting a sock and sitting with her on this log that looks like a dead horse and he gives her some watter thats clearly drugged and shes off her fucking face and cant even walk and and she feels the baby kick and Ethan pops a massive Other boner and feels her belly and he tells her he'll miss her but they have to take her baby and he probably rapes her right then again Claire remembers this like its right in front of her and she walks through this lovely jungly area and she finds OH SHIT THIS SOME DOORS EMBEDDED ON THE HILLSIDE

and they have that symbol on it so they open it up and go down and this was really creepy there are these fluorescent tubes blinking on and off in this dark medical white dilapidated corridor and they find the nursery room and Claire picks up that little sock she was knitting and she has another flashback about how this teenage jew girl wakes her up and tells her she has to leave

because OH FUCK THEYRE GETTING READY TO CUT THE BABY OUT OF HER but Claires like "no no Ethan wouldnt hurt me" and the jew girl has to put a chloroform rag over her mouth and back in real time Claire finds the operating room and she calls for Kates help to lift this fridge up and Kate comes running to her rescue and when they open it woah wtf it was empty and she yells at Frenchy saying she knows where it is since she tried to take her back and thats why she scratched her but she has a flashback to the French woman finding her in the jungle and the Others are all out with torches and Claire calls them over so Frenchy has to hit her with the butt of her gun and she says she carried her back to her camp where she would be found and Claire asks her if her baby that the Others took was a girl and Frenchy says her name was Alex for Alexandra and Claire tells her about the blue eyed jew teenaged girl who saved her just like she did and she wasnt like the Others she was good so I guess that was who that bearded Other called to bring Kate out and frenchy says shes not the only one who didnt find what shes looking for but if her baby is infected basically she has to kill it lmao wtf I bet this is a zombie virus rofl well it turns out her baby just had a rash so who cares speaking of that bearded Other Kate did find something down there this was weird ok wait for it KATE FOUND ALL THESE RAGGED JUNGLE HILLBILLY CLOTHES AND A BOX OF THEATRICLE GLUE AND THIS FAKE BEARD HOLY SHIT that was actually pretty cool for a Claire episode good job the flashbacks wernt boring it was awesome seeing Ethan again and that was a cool Charlies Angels type girls only adventure

but the B-story was also awesome Jack and Locke were giving Henry a bowl of fruit and he complains that its no cheeseburger and Locke gives him a book to keep him entertained and he asks for some Stephen King but the libraries a little outdated and then outside they discuss what theyre doing with him and Jack says they have to keep him in there and if he's got a better idea then lets hear it AND HENRY YELLS FROM THE ARMORY "HOW ABOUT YOU LET ME GO?" LMAO and then when Jack is taking him to the bathroom I bet he snuck a peak at his dick and Henrys washing his hands when Eko comes in and sees his empty cot with empty bowl and Eko tells Jack he knows theyre keeping a man down there how did he know it was a man anyway he says he'll let him speak alone with him because he wants to keep it a secret and when he does Henry is like "OH SHIT ARE YOU THE BIG GAY NIGGER RAPIST COME TO PUSH MY WHITEY SHIT IN?!" but instead Eko tells Henry about the two Others who tried to take him the first night and how he smashed their heads in with a rock and Henrys shitting himself and Eko says he needs to ask for his forgiveness for this and he takes out his knife and Henry bricks it and he cuts off two little straggles of his beard and goes out wtf and then when Lockes bringing him more food they talk about the book and he asks why he lets the doctor call the shots and Locke says he doesnt and storms out and he tries to do the dishes and LOCKE RAGES AT THE PLATE AND KNOCKS THEM OVER AND HENRY GIVES A LITTLE SMIRK AND LOCKE GETS ALL EMO AND SWIPES MORE CROCKERY OVER OH MAN RAGED

LOST 2x16: The Whole Truth
got milk? special edition
First viewed: April 14th 2006

I remember the video I downloaded for this episode was pretty fucking terrible quality I could hardly tell that it opens in flashback and its pretty sexy ok guys I swear I'm not gay or anything but JIN IS LOOKING REALLY HUNKY RIGHT HERE

and to prove I am not gay or atleast bi SUN IS LOOKING PRETTY HOT HERSELF and then they are about to fuck oh man I would have got my dick out if I could see what was happening but they have a fight about Jin coming home with bloody hands and he says he does it for her father and maybe if they gave him a grandchild hed give Jin a safer job and so they go to see a fertility doctor and it turns out Suns cant have kids and Jin gets upset and storms out and Suns actually seeing someone but its not an affair shes getting English lesions from that bald guy who studied medieval russian literature and he says his relationship with the american woman didnt work out probably because he picked such a boring subject to study but what isnt a boring subject is how Ana-Lucia is jogging along the beach and see sees Locke who says shes running like the devils chasing her and tells her about Henry and thinks shes best qualified being a cop and having experience with the Others and he wants that man out his hatch meanwhile down there Jacks getting out of the shower oh man hot and WOAH SHIT LOCKES RIGHT THERE SHAVING AND HE TAKES A PEAK AT JACKS JUNK HOLY FUCK

AND JACK JUST STANDS THERE WITH HIS DICK OUT LIKE OH HEY JOHN WITH HIS COCK DANGLING ABOUT MOTHER OF CHRIST THAT WAS HOT I MEAN GAY
and Locke says the steam opens his pores lmao and he told Ana about Henry and shes there right now lmao and in there Ana tells Henry what happened to her on the other side of the island and recaps his story and she gets him to draw her a shitty map to his balloon and she doesnt tell Jack and Locke because theyre too worried about Locke and Jack but she takes it to Sayid and Charlies making a kitchen table with him and they set out to find this balloon also note that looks like OZAMA and Sayids holding it rofl terrorist

so on they follow this baby simple map and Charlie asks if Anas looking at his bum but she's looking at his gun and tells him to give it to someone who knows how to use it so he goes to give it to her BUT OH SNAP HE GIVES IT TO SAYID LMAO SICKBURN and that night Ana tells Sayid that noone likes her but he has a good reason to hate her and shes sorry and he says its not her fault its the Others fault and in the morning he doesnt think theyll find the balloon but they go searching for it anyway thats interesting what isnt is Jin not wanting Sun to stay out at her garden and he rips it up and drags her back to the beach and she starts feeling sick and Rose and Bernard stop bickering well like an old married couple and tell her to go see Jack but instead she goes to Sawyer whos reading Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret lmao theres not enough sex in it anyway she gets A PREGNANCY TEST from him wtf and she takes it with Kate because shes taken one before and shes gay and has a lesbian crush on Sun and it comes out positive and Jack says maybe a false negative in the first week but a positive is a positive wtf she cant have babies but its explained in her last flashback where her doctor pulls up beside her and we see this sign that says "NO PLAYING THE TRUMPET" lmao and you see her dogs little dogknot rofl and he tells her to get in his car but her rape alarm goes off but he gets and tells her that he was too scared to tell them this but its Jin whos sterile not her oh man so she goes to tell Jin that shes pregnant and its him thats sterile but she swears she has never been with another man and Jin thinks its a miracle the island healed his lazy balls lmao and then he lets he understands why Sawyer called him Dady-O lmao that was a good scene where Sawyer talks to Bernard from Jins perspective and they are all speaking backwards

and theres this fantastic scene at the end here where Jack lets Henry out for some breakfast and he gets some DHARMA brand cereal and asks how old it is and he says they arnt very curious to what all this stuff is if they just found it like the food and the computer and Lockes sitting there looking perplexed and Jack just asks him if he wants the cereal or not and he says this must be his reward for drawing that map for Ana but they didnt know and Jack goes for Locke and he says he didnt know and Henry remarks how they have such bad trust issues like with him and he says hang on you have to see this

ok he says if he was one of these Others these people they think are their enemies there would be a balloon if he was lying and hed draw the map to a secluded cave or underbrush thats good for an ambush and then his people would capture his people and use them to trade for him and he says "I GUESS ITS A GOOD THING IM NOT ONE OF THEM HUH...

YOU GUYS GOT ANY MILK?"
...you little motherfucking jew... wow that ending was fantastic wow I hadnt realized how much more high octane season 2 was I mean I didnt even get time to absorb this awesome shit about pushing the button on this computer every 108 minutes I mean I fucking live for that shit a computer in a bunker on a desert island and you have to enter a code into it and you're not even told what its for what the fuck and I mean this Henry guy first thing I thought when I saw him caught in that net was he was another guy like Desmond who was meant to be pushing a button but he ran off but he doesnt seem to know what the computers about and I thought he was telling the truth I mean why would be draw a map to the balloon that wasnt here unless he was an Other holy shit this show is intense as ugh a cat on fire and a while ago on the IMDb Lost boards there was this kid who had terminal cancer who posted there I think his name was Dave or something and he got to take a tour of the Lost set and meet some of the cast man oh man I wish I had terminal cancer but the best bit is he posted all these pictures of himself with the cast and one was in front of this big balloon set piece so that kind of spoiled that Henry was telling the truth I was kinda pissed off and it turns out his cancer went into remission and he was fine the little fucker he basically went to the set of Lost for free and brought back epic spoilers to post shit I wish I had terminal cancer

LOST 2x17: Lockdown
macaroni and cheese special edition
First viewed: April 17th 2006

so this episode was Locke centric and his flashback was about how he was living happily with Hellen who I just recognized her voice she voices Leela from Futurama and she played the wife uhh uhh Peggy or something from Married with Children and Lockes planning to propose to her when she tells him his father is dead while reading the obituary and they go to his funeral and he forgives this coffin but he sees some shady guys watching him and this car across the road and later when hes a home inspector and he actually inspects Nadia Sayids old girlfriends house and she says she doesnt have a husband guess she wasnt dead

and he sees that car again and goes up and WOAH SHIT ITS HIS DAD LOL and his dad says he needs him to get some money for him that he conned form those gangsters and Locke goes to the same bank Kate robbed and he goes to safety deposit box 1516 but when he gets home those shady guys are waiting there and ask him if hes seen his dad since he died and they open and search his bag but its full of work papers I guess Lockes always been quick witted I thought these gangsters would find the money and were going to like brake his legs or something and thats why he was in a wheelchair and he takes the money to his dads at a hotel and you see an Oceanic plane go over and his dad lets him keep some of the money but Locke says he didnt do it for the money and his dad doesnt care but Hellen walks in and sees Locke with his dad and storms out and he runs after her and proposes to her anyway but she says no and hes left there on his knee crying haha owned and hes owned again when Henry just pretty much trolls him and Jack and Jack freaks out and Henry tries saying he was just joking that was a stupid thing to say he was just frustrated but Jack orders Locke to put him back in the armory and storms off and Henry turns to Locke and asks why he lets him talk to him that way and Locke rages and grabs him and tosses him back in the armory wow idk why on earth Henry would say something like that maybe he is an Other but Charlie finds Henrys wifes grave where he said he buried her and Ana and Sayid run up and wonder why it isnt raining and they look up and HOLY SHIT THEY SEE THE BIG YELLOW SMILEY FACE BALLOON I GUESS HENRY WAS TELLING THE TRUTH GODDAMN

well no surprise to me and back at the hatch Locke is still pissed and riding that stationary bike listening to some music when he hears this staticy womans voice and he goes to check the computer and the timers only at 47 minutes and its coming from the speaker system so he gets a screwdriver form the toolbox and tries to fiddle with it but it screeches in his ears and its babbling something he cant quite make out through the static and Henry starts asking whats going on and this thing starts counting down from 9 and Locke bricks himself 8 and Henry asks Henry looks worried 7 Locke looks around 6 nothings happening 5 Henry says he should get Jack 4 Locke fucking rages 3 he runs over 2 he tells him to shut up 1 hes about to ki-WOAH SHIT THIS ALARM GOES OFF AND THIS BLAST DOOR COMES DOWN BETWEEN THE LIVING AREA AND THE BEDROOM AND LOCKE TURNS AROUND AND

ONE COMES DOWN BETWEEN HIM AND THE COMPUTER ROOM AND THEN OVER THE FAKE SUNLIGHT WINDOW BY THE TABLE AND THEN IT COMES DOWN BETWEEN HIM AND THE HALLWAY AND LOCKE GRABS A CROW BAR AND LUNGES AT THIS BLAST DOOR COMING DOWN AND JUST MANAGES TO SLIDE IT UNDER BEFORE IT SHUTS HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK
motherfucker I guess Jack will have a surprise getting back but he is busy playing texas hold 'em with Sawyer and Hurley and Kate and Jack utterly rolls on Sawyer and wins all his fruit and Sawyer says they should play for the medication and Kate asks them if she should get a ruler hehehe and then her and Hurley and Libby watch then play poker with some binoculars Hurley randomly has and Sawyer asks Jack where he learnt to play poker and Jack says Phuket and Sawyer knows its in Thailand lol and asks if thats where he got his tattoos but Jack tells him to deal again this time from the top of the deck and then he rolls on him again and wins the meds and Sawyer asks him why he didnt play for the guns and Jack picks up his girly leather womans bag and says "when I need the guns... I'll get the guns" awesome

back at the hatch the lights are strobing on and off Locke cant open the blast door by himself so he lets Henry out to help but he says he has to protect him no matter what happens and Locke says why would he need to if hes telling the truth and he says you people need someone to punish so Locke gives him his word but asks who he is again and he says his name is Henry Gale hes from Minnesota and he crashed there just like Locke so they pry up this blast door with the crow bar Locke threw under it and Locke gets the bar from some weights and prys it up even more and its really straining against it you can hear the motor grinding trying it force the blast door down and Henry manages to put the tool box under it and Locke thinks he can dart under it and he puts his legs under and pushes himself through but OH DAMN IT COMES DOWN ON LOCKES LEGS AND WRECKS THE TOOL BOX AND ONE OF THE PINS SKEWERS LOCKES THIGH AND HENRY HAS TO STACK WEIGHTS UNDER THE DOOR BEFORE IT CRUSHES LOCKES LEGS WOW

and Henry just says they can wait for Jack to come back but Locke tells him about the button and says he has to get to it and enter the numbers and Henry says he cant get through the vent the one in the armory is bolted shut heh he says he tried and Locke says theres one in the pantry so Henry tries to climb in but he falls over and knocks himself out and Lockes screaming for him to get up and when he wakes up the buttons already beeping at the four minute mark and he goes back up he crawls through and Lockes left calling Henrys name and it hits the one minute mark and the alarm starts blaring and holy shit THE ALARMS GOING FRANTIC AND OH GOD IS THE BUTTON GOING TO RUN DOWN BUT OH MAN LOCKE HEARS THE COUNTER FLIP BACK OH THANK GOD BUT OH NO HE HEARS THIS MECHANISM THIS MACHINERY POWER UP AND THE STRAINING MOTORS AND THIS ELECTRIC WHIRRING AND THE LIGHTS GO OUT AND HES SCREAMING FOR HENRY AND THE WHIRRING DIES DOWN AND THE MECHANICS POWER DOWN AND THE NOISE STOPS AND HE BEGS HENRY TO SAY SOMETHING AND THEN THIS PURPLE ULTRAVIOLET LIGHT COMES ON AND LOCK LOOKS AROUND AND HE LOOKS AT THE DOOR AND OH MOTHERFUCKER ITS ITS S-S-SOMEKIND OF FUCKING MAP A OH JESUS CHRIST A MAP OF OF THE ISLAND HOLY MOTHER OF CHRIST

AND HES STARING AT THIS FLUORESCENT MAP ON THE BLASTDOOR UNDER THIS BLACKLIGHT WHERE EVERYTHINGS PURPLE AND JESUS CHRIST HE CANT BELIEVE HIS EYES HE CANT TAKE IT ALL IN

THERES ALL THE DIFFERENT HATCHES THERES WHERE HE IS AND THE MEDICAL HATCH AND SOME QUESTION MARK AND A FLAME SYMBOL AND ALL THESE NOTES AND HE SITES UP AND HE LOOKS OVER THIS ULTRAVIOLET MAP ON THE BLASTDOOR HES TRAPPED UNDER

AND THE LIGHTS FLICKER AND GO OUT COMPLETELY AS HE STARES FIXATED ON THIS GLOWING MAP OH MY GOD
AND THEN THE NORMAL LIGHTS COME ON AND THE BLASTDOORS COME UP AND FREE HIS LEGS
and and uhh he calls for Henry and he crawls through to the computer room and the counters just flipping to 107 minutes and hes calling for Henry but hes sitting there on the floor unable to walk just like when he was a cripple and Henry left him just like Leela and his dad did hes just a pathetic old nerd but Henry comes back yah and he picks Locke up and he stands and he sits down on the sofa and Henry puts his leg up oh man and he thanks Henry for not leaving him I guess he really is just another crash survivor on this island and Jack is walking back to the hatch and Kate catches up to him and asks him if she can take a shower but he says the pipes are cracked and bullshits about it running muddy so she cant come down and she says shes glad he beat Sawyer and Jacks trying to get her to stop flirting with him because he is gay when they see this flashing light and when they investigate its a parachute and a pallet of boxes and shit its oh my god ITS SOME SORT OF SUPPLY DROP KATE PULLS OUT SOME MACARONI AND CHEESE I FUCKING LOVE MACARONI AND CHEESE and Ana and Sayid and Charlie stumble with serious looks and back at the hatch Henry says he put the numbers in and it the lockdown ended when he was getting back into the vent and then

EVERYONE STORMS IN AND JACK GRABS HENRY UP AGAINST A WALL AND SAYID HAS HIS GUN OUT AND LOCKE SAYS HE LET HIM OUT THERE WAS A LOCKDOWN AND HENRY WAS HELPING HIM BUT THEN SAYID SAYS THEY FOUND HIS BALLOON AND THEY FOUND HIS GRAVE BUT HE DUG IT UP AND IT WAS A MANS BODY NOT A WOMAN THEY FOUND AND HE PULLS OUT HIS DRIVERS LICENSE AND ITS SOME DEAD NIGGER WHOS NAME IS HENRY GALE UH OH BUSTED SON

holy shit I remember looking up all the theories on that fucking ultraviolet blast door map the internet was going batshit insane on that the nerds had a field day furiously screencaping and it was intense as shit I dont think theres been anything as nerded over as the orientation video I mean holy shit look at this shit

I dont know about you but I just came my pants looking at that fuck me sideways what the fuck is all this CVI shit and oh my god theres all the other stations there who the fuck painted that and why is it on a fucking blastdoor that only comes down like once a year on a black light that only comes on when its coming up man Locke was being really depressed up until then I mean he was happy playing his walkabout fantasy giving people sage like advice and hunting boar and being the hunter tactical dude and he finds this hatch and thats it thats the reason hes on the island and he can walk again and when he gets down there all it is is some mind game a dumb button and they capture this guy who might or might not be an Other and he doesnt even know whats going on in this hatch but then he sees this map a new sign from the island and Henry is his new jungle friend to go on adventures with but fuck thats ruined now hes an Other and Lockes crippled again hes just some fucking pathetic old nerd playing jungle warrior and holy shit the internet was also going apeshit about Henry being an Other goddamn it makes sense now why he was always talking shit about Jack to Locke and manipulating him and those little smirks he gave to Sayid I really did think he was telling the truth and I thought it was a fact when they found his dumbass smiley face balloon and what the fuck is up with that food drop I mean just some random supplies being dropped off I thought the DHARMA people were defunct unless maybe the Others needs supplies but why would they get dropped off near the survivors maybe someone wants them to stay alive and how did it even get there I mean they would have seen a plane go over and freak the fuck out man I loved reading the boards after I watched an episode the reactions were awesome and listening to it all being summed up in podcasts was great fuck I love Lost and I loved nerding out about it on the net and oh man the next episode is a Hurley episode haha I bet its an entire episode of him eating all that food the fat fuck

LOST 2x18: Dave
pretty sneaky leonard special edition
First viewed: April 20th 2006

this episode begins with Hurley and Libby power walking along the beach well I think its fair to say that Ana is faster than Hurley and I guess Kate since shes born to run and Desmond since he can do a tour de stade and probably Jack even if he cant and clearly Libby basically everyone is faster than Hurley and then he admits to Libby that he has a food stash that has like its own shelves and hes talking about how sad and fat he is so Libby tells him to get rid of it and he rips all the food up and then everyone runs through the jungle and Hurley runs out and sees LMAO EVEN MORE FOOD and Hurley freaks out and goes to waddle off when he sees

UHHH THIS RANDOM BALD DUDE IN THE JUNGLE WTF and he follows him and finds a slipper "uh oh" cut to LOST intro lmao that was pretty cool but what was cooler were the two scenes with Fake Henry whos being tied up like jesus and hes saying he didnt kill that nigger Henry his neck was broken when they got there and Sayid takes out this $20 note that nig Henry wrote a letter to his wife on and Sayid asks how he knew his wifes name did he interrogate him before killing him and then he asks him how many of the Others there are and Henry says he cant answer him he doesnt know what he'll do to him and Ana asks if its the bearded guy and he says hes noone and Sayid asks him more questions and HENRY SCREAMS THAT HE'LL KILL ME AND SAYID DRAWS HIS GUN AND SAYS ILL KILL YOU AND HENRY YELLS "YOU CAN NOT DO THIS I AM NOT A BAD PERSON" AND ANA JUST GRABS THE GUN AWAY FROM SAYID AS HE WAS ABOUT TO KILL HENRY WOAH and Locke goes in and says God knows how long the Others have been there and he gets caught in a ne-but Henry butts in and says "God doesnt know... God doesnt know how long weve been here John... He cant see this island any better than the rest of the world can" and John asks if he got caught on purpose to find this place and Henry just says he let the numbers run down to 0 and past the hieroglyphs and it just goes back to 108 and Locke says hes lying but Henry just says hes done lying holy fuck

since then Hurley went to to Sawyer who calls him loads of fatty nicknames asking him for some medication for when you see bald guys in bathrobes and Sawyer says like that guy behind you and Hurley turns around thinking this guy is real but Sawyer says HAHA GOT YA and was just trolling him AND HURLEY FUCKING HULKS THE FUCK OUT AND TACKLES HIM INTO HIS TENT THINK IM A FATTY HUH AND SAWYER TRIES TO CRAWL OUT BUT HURLEY PULLS HIM BACK UNDER WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE AND HE STARTS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM MUTTONCHOP PORKFFRFRF BARBARNNNRRRFGG JABBA AAAA STAYPUFF HOLY SHIT HES FUCKING POUNDING ON HIM NFFH LARDO CARRHFHF AND JINS TOO BUSY LAUGHING HIS ASIAN ASS OFF BUT HE EVENTUALLY PULLS HURLEY OFF OF SAWYER AND SAWYER CALLS HIM CRAZY AND HURLEY SAYS IM NOT CRAZY HOLY SHIT THAT WAS BRUTAL lmao and then Kate is owning Sawyer for this for ages and he tells her to go get to an adventure Timmy fell down the well that way hmm was he just calling Kate a bitch anyway shes right he got utterly rolled on and Hurley is upset and he packs all his food up and wont listen to Libby and goes off to live at the caves and in his flashbacks we see Hurley when he was in the same mental institution as Lockes mother and his psychologist is the Senator who got turned into water from X-men and he says his friend Dave iss a negative influence and doesnt want him to change but Hurley says hes the most normal person there and he goes to play basket ball with Dave who OH SHIT DAVES THE BALD GUY IN THE BATHROBE HES BEEN SEEING ON THE ISLAND WTF

and all the crazy people are trying to play basket ball and Dave wants to play but noones passing to him and theres this meditating negro in the background who keeps moving a meter to the right lmao and Dave says Hurley should eat more and not listen to his doc and they go to play 4 in a row with that crazy guy Leonard who keeps saying the numbers and Hurley looses against him and Dave says "pretty sneaky Leonard" I just learnt that was a reference to a commercial for this game where a brother says to his sister "pretty sneaky sis" when she wins holy shit I will say that next time my sister sucks my dick which is never and Dave tells Hurley to stop eating cellery and steal some of Leonards snacks whats he going to do call you a 23? and his doc comes up and says hi to Dave and takes a polaroid pic of them hugging but oh man when hes at his next meeting he starts crying about how fat he is and hes in there because HES SO FAT HE KILLED 2 PEOPLE he went out onto a deck that was meant to hold 8 and had 23 people on it but he made it collapse and two people died his doctor tells him he eats so much to punish himself for this and Hurley says Daves his friend and hes right hes nothing but a quack and his doc gets that polaroid oh man

DAVE ISNT YOUR FRIEND HUGO... BECAUSE DAVE DOESNT EXIST WOAH DAMN DAVE WAS HURLEYS IMAGINARY FRIEND WHO TOLD HIM TO EAT FRIED CHICKEN IN THE MENTAL INSTITUTION jesus christ and that night Dave wakes him up and Hurley says hes not real and Dave slaps him and he says he could have just imagined that but dave slaps him again and tells him the pic was photoshoped and Hurley stole the keys from his docs desk and they unlock a window and Dave hops out for cheeseburgers but Hurley says hes just the part of him that doesnt want to change he wouldnt care if he ate himself to death and he closes the window on him but back on the island he still sees him right infront of him with peanut butter he spilt on his slipper so is Hurley imagining him again because theres food he needs an imaginary friend to tell him to eat or is wait a second is Dave like an apparitions on the island or something is the island just trolling Hurley well just about to get even more crazy Dave tells him after he closed that window HURLEY LAPSED INTO A COMMA AND HALLUCINATED HIS LIFE AFTER LEAVING THE INSTITUTION HIS FRIEND JOHNY WINNING THE LOTTERY CRASHING ON THE ISLAND ITS ALL IN HIS HEAD HES STILL AT THAT MENTAL INSTITUTION HOLY SHIIIIIT and Hurley calls instant bullshit and Dave just asks him what numbers he played on the lottery and he says Leonards numbers yep from the institution and where else are they these supposedly cursed numbers on the hatch with the magic button that has to have these numbers or the world will end on this mystery island its just his fantasy

Hurley refuses to believe it what about everyone else there Libby said oh yeh the cute blonde chick who just happens to love fatty everyone on the island is just a part of Hurleys subconscious like Dave he was his real friend whos probably out there eating cheeseburgers getting laid but him right there hes the part of Hurleys mind that wants to wake up out of this dream and he takes him to a cliff and says this is how to wake up and DAVE SAYS "SEE YOU IN ANOTHER LIFE HURLEY" AND THROWS HIMSELF OFF OF THIS CLIFF WTF DAVE ISNT IMAGINARY AND THE ISLAND AND HURLEYS LIFE HAVE JUST BEEN AN ILLUSION OF HIS INSANE MIND OR IS HE JUST SEEING HIS IMAGINARY FRIEND AGAIN AND HES SUICIDAL WTF OR HOLY GOD IS THIS THE ISLAND GETTING INSIDE HIS HEAD AND WANTS HIM TO KILL HIMSELF WTF and then Libby shows up and Hurleys convinced hes dreaming all of this and Libby is just his fantasy he says he just made her up and Libby takes offense and asks the name of the man who had the broken leg on the first day and Hurley doesnt know and Libby tells him his name and says he doesnt know his name because it happened to her and he died she had to bury him and its offensive for him to say he made her life up and she kisses him and says that was real and they walk back to camp holding hands aww and Libby gives this weird look and we get one last flashback of...

well its Hurley getting that polaroid taken by his doctor sitting with Leonard but he has his arm around nothing Daves not really there I guess he was just imaginary but Hurley didnt know that then so whos perspective are we seeing this froOH SHIT ITS LIBBY SHES WATCHING HURLEY AND THIS NURSE GIVES HER PILLS AND SHE TAKES THEM AND SHE HAS BROWN HAIR LIBBY WAS IN THE SAME MENTAL INSTITUTION AS HURLEY AND SHE LOOKS COMPLETELY INSANE AND SHE STARES OVER AT HIM WOAH SHIT

LOST 2x19: S.O.S.
caught in a net special edition
First viewed: April 23rd 2006

I was surprised to learn that this episode was a Rose and Bernard flashback well it turned out that they were only married for a few months before the island and Bernard asked her to marry him at a restaurant overlooking the Niagara Falls but she drops the bombshell that SHES GOT TERMINAL CANCER AND HAS A YEAR TO LIVE lmao but wait Bernard still marries her wow how romantic

and they go on their honeymoon to Australia to a faith healer some guy called Isaac of Uluru and she goes to see this guy and he has loads of crutches on his walls and he explains that locations in the world have certain properties geological electromagnetic he can harness them and he tries this on her but he says he cant this isnt the place for her and she asks where is and he doesnt know and he'll return Bernards donation and she says she wants to tell him he fixed her so they can live in peace and not trying to save her well back on the island Bernards up to his old tricks he is disgruntled that everyone has just given up trying to get rescued yeh I agree and he comes up with a great idea of building an S.O.S. sign and he tries to get everyone motivated but Hurley is too busy eating DHARMALARS and I dont know why they are the only DHARMA food that has a specific brand name and he tries to get all the rando background redshirt characters to help him move lava rocks and he asks Hurley to get THAT FROGURT GUY, THE GUY WHO USED TO MAKE FROZEN YOGURT? NIEL? lmao he sounds like a cool bro and this plan doesnt seem to be working very well

speaking of shitty plans Henry has been on a hunger strike and not talking and when Jacks replacing his bandages he tells him hes going to go out to that line and cross it and tell the Others they have him and want to trade for Walt idk why hes so concerned about Walt what about the other like 13 people they took from the tail section there were two kids there anyway Ana gives him the gun she got from Sayid he got from Charlie he got from Sawyer and Jack goes to get someone to go with him and he goes up to Kate and Sawyer says oh happy day here comes Dr. Giggles sorry nf and Jack takes Kate owned and while theyre walking in the jungle she sees a doll and goes to pick it up and Jack tries to get her to stay away from it but THEY BOTH GET CAUGHT IN A NET AND KATE BRUSHES PAST JACKS DONG REACHING FOR HIS GUN AND HE LOOKS LIKE HE JUST DOWNLOADED SNOWFLAKES.EXE AT THE PROSPECT OF A CUTE GIRL TOUCHING HIS WANG LMAO and Kate tries to shoot he rope holding them up but misses and Jack turns on his aimbot and shoots them down and when theyre walking she tells him about the medical hatch and how she found costumes and a fake beard a fucking week ago and neglected to tell him dumb bitch and then they get to "the line" and Jack basically talks shit for an hour

epic back at the hatch Lockes upset and emo because he cant remember the blastdoor map he saw and hes trying to copy it down and he almost lets the button run down because his care cup is just not full and he goes up to the armory door and starts raging about if he really didnt push the button and Henry gets this evil smirk on his face and Lockes almost in tears and he storms out more like limps out lmao and hes sitting on the beach and Rose comes and talks to him and she has a flashback where Locke picked up her pills she dropped at the airport and he was in his wheelchair and she understands that the island has healing powers and she reminds Locke that they both know he'll be running around sooner than four weeks so Locke goes back to the hatch and Ana tells him she pushed his button and I think she was flirting with him a bit but hes too busy drawing this map and Rose goes to tell her Husband that its ok his sign is failing terribly because she doesnt want to leave because that faith healer never cured her it was the island and he hugs her and says hed offer to take down the sign but they didnt even get the first letter done rofl

and its nighttime and Kates waiting with Jack while he tries to get his voice back to yell some more and Kate says shes sorry she kissed him and Jack is like "why would she tell me shes so-uh oh shes onto my homosexuality" and he says that hes not sorry and then he doesnt know what to do he'd probably rather die than kiss a cute girl and Kates about to kiss him and hes about to get cooties and Jacks about to crOH SHIT SOMEONE COMES RUNNING OUT OF THE JUNGLE AND COLLAPSES OH FUCK ITS MICHEAL THAT CRAZY NIGGER MICHEALS BACK FROM HIS JUNGLE BUNNY SPEARCHUCKING ADVENTURES

LOST 2x20: Two for the Road
teepees and dried fish special edition
First viewed: May 4th 2006

this episode started with Ana-Lucia bringing Henry some tasty mangos and hes still not talking and she tells him about how she was a cop and shes used to being around killers and the one thing she notices is how killers love to talk but hes quit and he whispers something and and she asks him what that was and he mumbles something else and she gets up in his face and says "if youre going to say something... youre gonna have to spe-"OH SHIT HENRY KNOCKS THE BOWL INTO HER FACE AND SHE FALLS BACK AND HE GRABS HER BY THE THROAT AND STARTS STRANGLING HER AND HE SAYS SHE KILLED TWO OF HIS PEOPLE GOOD PEOPLE WHO WERE LEAVING HER ALONE AND SHE HITS HIM BUT HE JUST SLAMS HER AGAINST THE WALL AND CHOKES HER AND SAYS SHES THE KILLER AND HE SHOVES HER ON THE BED AND STARTS CRUSHING HER NECK AND LOCKE BUTTS HIM IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH ONE OF HIS CRUTCHES AND SAYS "I GUESS HE DECIDED TO START TALKING ANA" DAMN RIGHT HE DID

so I guess Ana didnt die then maybe she is ok and she can still have this flashback where she goes to work as a security guard at an airport because she Quit when her mother found out she probably killed that guy and she mets OH MAN JACKS DAD AT A BAR GETTING PISSED and he invites her to go to Australia with him and he picks the name Sara for him and she picks the name Tom for him and he says he needs a bodyguard for this dangerous work and it turns out hes just harassing this Australian woman yelling to see his daughter and Ana has to drag him away and he says hes such a pathetic loser and she drops him off at a bar and as hes opening his car door he hits Sawyer and they both go into the same bar and Anas getting the plane home when she gets a call from her mother I guess thats who she was on the phone to when she chatted with Jack and she tells her shes coming home on oceanic flight 815 I guess her mother was waiting for her a long time well she might have to keep waiting because back in the hatch Lockes in the armory asking Henry why he attacked Ana and not him and Henry says its because hes one of the good ones and his mission was to come to get him and before Locke can inquire more Jack and Kate arrive carrying Micheal and when he wakes up his gives this speech about how he found the Others who are all dirty with worn tattered clothing and no shoes like and Kate gives Jack a look and Micheal says theyre living in canvas tents and teepees and theyre eating dried fish theyre worse off than the survivors and he says he saw a hatch and thats where he thinks theyre keeping everyone they took and most of them are old half of them are women and he came back to tell them... to tell them they can take them... and as soon he gets his strength back hell take them back there... "AND WE ARE GONNA GET MY BOY BACK" so everyone goes to Sawyer to get the guns back but Ana beat them to it she tried following Sawyer to his gun stash while he was picking mangos and she tries to jump him but he gets on top of her and he asks her whats she gonna do now AND SHE KISSES HIM AND OH DAMN SAWYER AND ANA FUCK oh man funny thing is she probably has all his STDs now

and he wasnt the only one getting a little action Hurley planned a date for Libby but she thinks hes lost and Hurley says no this is the secret romantic picnic beach and shes like THIS IS OUR BEACH LOOK THERES JIN OVER THERE lmao and he is cutting some fish and she says its ok they can have it there get the blankets out but he even forgot those and she is so nice she says shell get them and he can get the wine oh man theyre gonna get drunk and she can suck DHARMA ranch dressing off of his dick and he says maybe he'll remember where he knows her from and she smiles at him aww sweet AND JIN GIVES HIM THE THUMBS UP LOOKS LIKE HURLEYS FINALLY GONNA LOSE HIS VIRGINITY LMAO and then when everyones rolling up on Sawyer and Jack demands the guns and draws his own and Sawyer goes to get his when he realizes Ana stole his so they all rush back to the Hatch where Ana slides Henry that Others knife and tells him to cut himself loose and he says that Goodwin thought she was one of the good people but he was wrong and Ana takes her gun out and points it at him but when Micheal wakes up and walks in shes just sitting there playing with the gun he sits down and she says she cant use it wait you have to see this

she tells Micheal that theyve had one of them Henry in there for a week and he tried to kill her today and she wanted him dead but she couldnt do it she cant do this anymore and then Micheal offers to do it AND HE SAYS THEYRE ANIMALS AND THEY TOOK HIS SON RIGHT OUT OF HIS HANDS THEY TOOK HIS SON AND HE SAYS HELL DO IT AND TELLS HER TO GIVE HIM THE GUN HELL KILL HIM BECAUSE THATS WHAT THEYD DO AND SHE HANDS HIM THE GUN AND HE ASKS FOR THE COMBINATION OH MAN HES GOING TO DO IT HES GOING TO KILL HENRY AND SHE TELLS HIM AND HE SAYS "...IM SORRY" AND SHE SAYS "...FOR WHAT?"

AND HE SHOOTS HER RIGHT BETWEEN THE TITS AND SHE LOOKS DOWN AND DIES OH MY GOD HE KILLED HER ANAS DEAD MICHEAL KI-LIBBY WALKS IN WITH THE BLANKETS AND SAYS "MICHEAL?!" AND HE TURNS AROUND AND FUCKING SHOOTS HER TWICE

AND SHE COLLAPSES ON THE FLOOR OH GOD OH GOD AND HE JUST STANDS THERE STARING AT HER A-A-AND HE LOOKS LIKE HES ABOUT TO BE SICK AND OH GOD HE LOOKS OVER AT THE ARMORY AND HE WALKS OVER AND OPENS IT AND HENRY STANDS UP AND MICHEAL LOOKS AT HIM HES SHAKING AND HENRY JUST LOOKS AT HIM AND HE RAISES THE GUN AND

MICHEAL SHOOTS HIMSELF IN THE ARM OH MARY MOTHER OF CHRIST

that... that... that nigger

and after that episode I didnt know how else to vent my sadness than to make a ytmnd about it and for some reason I also made a ytmnd about jews doing 9/11 lmao

LOST 2x21: ?
#?! special edition
First viewed: May 11th 2006

this oddly titled episode was Eko centric and I was pretty pumped for this but I was worried that Eko was going to die or something because in the trailer theres flashes of him falling off a cliff and I was already in shock from Ana and Libbies death and I actually thought Micheal had shot himself in the heart before I watched that scene again man oh man well I might as well get the flashback out of the way first since its relatively boring it was about how Eko investigated a miracle when he was pretending to be a priest in Australia and there is a creepy scene that made me almost literally piss myself when he goes to this medical examiner and he plays his autopsy report dictaphone recording and hes like flirting with his assistant when THE GIRL HES DOING AN AUTOPSY ON WAKES UP AND STARTS SCREAMING OH DAMN SON that sent chills up my dick what else was cool was he went to this girls house and it turns out her dad is that psychic Claire visited and he tells Eko his daughter just went into hypothermia and he examiner was just trying to cover up his own negligence and he says hes a fraud and exploits people for fake miracles all the time and Ekos going to LA to uhh stock up on Jenkem when this girl who looks half dead tells him at the airport that she has a message from Yemi that even though hes pretending hes a good man and a good priest and he has faith in him and Eko starts raging on her and Libby asks if everythings all right aww speaking of her Eko is chopping wood and woah Anas right there wtf and she asks him what hes building and he says a church that he was told to build in a dream and she asks if it was one like this and she gets the bullet wound in her chest and says he needs to help John jesus and WOAH THERES ALL THESE FLASHES OF WEIRD SHIT and then Ekos in the hatch and his brother Yemi is there and he tells him this place is important and in danger and he must make John take him to the question mark and then the counter goes off and its all ? symbols and Yemi types in the numbers on a keyboard thats totally ?s holy shit and his brother tells him to BRING THE AXE and Eko wakes up with a start next to Charlie lmao and he rushes to the hatch with the axe and everyone arrives at the hatch to find Micheal coming out with the gunshot wound in his arm and he says that he heard gunshots and this guy had a gun and shot him yeh right and they all go in and oh god Kate checks Ana and shes dead and Sawyer checks Libby a-

OH FUCK LIBBY COUGHS UP ALL THIS BLOOD AND BLACK BILE JESUS SHES ALIVE AND MICHEAL LOOKS OVER LIKE OOOOH SHIIIIIIIIT and they take Libby to the bunkbed and Jack can tell theres nothing he can do and he goes into dinorage kick some Others ass mode and he asks Micheal how long ago this happened and Micheal stutters it was half an hour ago and Jack wants to roll out but Sawyer has a point who will look after Libby and Eko offers to go and he takes Locke with him because he has tracking experience and when theyre walking in the jungle Eko asks him about the ? and Locke is in d/c mode so EKO HEADBUTTS LOCKE LMAO and when he wakes up he gives him that blastdoor map he tried to sketch out and they follow that to the little beachcraft plane that Boone fell in and turned out to be Ekos from nigeria with his brother on board and they make camp there and in the morning when Ekos waiting for Locke to wake up he sees his brother Yemi climbing up the cliff so he climbs up I guess he needed the axe for that and when he gets to the top uh oh YEMIS IN A WHEELCHAIR SAYS "WAKE UP JOHN" AND EKO FALLS OFF THE CLIFF OH GOD AND LOCKE WAKES UP WITH A START WHAT THE FLYING SHIT

and Locke tells Eko about the dream and apprehensively tells him in the dream his brother told him to follow him up the cliff and Eko climbs up there and doesnt see anything but when he turns around WOAH THE PLANE AND THIS HALF RING OF DIRT OR SOMETHING MAKES A QUESTION MARK what well he goes down and the grounds been salted so theres a circle that can be seen from above I guess maybe for supply drops and with the plane below it it looks like a ? since half the circle is overgrown and he hits the ground with his axe and HE HEARS A METAL CLUNK SO THEY PUSH THE PLANE OUT OF THE WAY AND THEY FIND THIS HATCH AND LOCKE ASKS IF HE CAN OPEN IT AND HE DOES AND THEY LOOK DOWN THIS LONG SHAFT OH MAN

and when they get down there theres all these TVs and Locke turns one of them on and OH SHIT ITS THE VIDEO FROM A SURVEILLANCE CAMERA IN THEIR HATCH AND YOU SEE JACK WALK PAST JESUS and they look up and theres cameras pointing at them and Locke turns the lights on and he sees this pneumatic tube thats still working with its suction and he puts his little map sketch in

and he sees this Apple II computer and it has the command prompt >: PRINT LOG Y/N?| and he hits Y and execute just as Ekos opening a cupboard that startles him and Eko finds all these notebooks and the computer starts printing out times and dates that look 108 minutes apart and Eko shows John something he found a VHS video and it says Orientation on it so they pop it in the machine and watch it

well holy shit that basically said that the purpose of this pearl hatch is to monitor and observe the other hatches where the occupants there are unwitting participant in experiments so their hatch is just a mind game oh wow holy god and Locke says its a joke rats in a maze with no cheese and Eko tries to convince him that theyre meant to push it because its a test but Locke just blurts out that "EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF MY PATHETIC LITTLE LIFE IS AS USELESS AS THAT BUTTON! ITS MEANINGLESS!!!" so Eko tells him the story of his cross and how his brother Yemi had that cross when he died on a plane taking off from an airstrip half a world away and then the plane Eko was on crashed on the same island as this plane the same plane that covers this place and he took that cross from his dead brothers neck and put it on his own just as it was the day he first time he took another mans life and then asks him again how it can be meaningless and if he wont push the button then he will do it and they head back to the hatch where Libby is dieing and Jack thinks it would be best to give her the heroin thats in Sawyers stash and he sends Kate to get it with him and it turns out he had it under his tent the whole time with the guns and I thought maybe he did that for everyones safety and then Hurley comes up and asks if theyve seen Libby oh jesus and they take him back to the hatch and hes really shook up and the worst part is he tells Micheal hes glad hes ok jesus god why did goddamn it and Jack gives Libby some heroin and she trips her last massive balls and Hurley holds her hands as she passes and he tells her hes so sorry for forgetting the blankets oh jesus ok I admit that I cried here and she oh lord she tries to tell them it was Micheal but all she can say is his name and Jack says hes ok and she dies before she can say what he did oh god and Jack shuts her eyes and Hurley holds her hand oh god I cried ok

wow I was still in shock from that ending two weeks ago I was up to speed with the US airings by then and it was agonising waiting those 11 days until I could find a download for this episode but the americans had seen S.O.S. weeks ago and had to wait 22 days for that episode because of the random ass repeats that were killing the ratings speaking of killing things I spent that almost two weeks immersing myself in the online Lost community I got up to date with all the podcasts and read all the theories and I was constantly arguing the case for why Ana-Lucia was awesome and some fucking faggot spoiled me that she was going to get killed off because Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros got pulled over for DUI or something dumb but it was like a known fact and I'd started watching the trailers which were always misleading and it looked like Henry was going to kill her but jesus I never thought Micheal would shoot her and then Libby just fucking walked in and he killed her to god I shit pissed and came myself right then and that was amazing going down into that pearl hatch I mean there wasnt that much to see but the sheer concept of there being another hatch dedicated to observing our hatch was priceless and it was all just to see how long people would push that button for when that Dr. Mark Wickmund guy said it was an experiment and they didnt know they were apart of it my heart sank and what is up with that guy with is his arm real now so was that taken before the other hatches orientation video because that asian guy had a fake arm I'm pretty sure I remember after that episode everyone was talking about how Libby was shot in the blankets and she had a kevlar vest under it haha no jesus how can a main character just gat two other main characters that just doesnt happen on tv and man oh man the nerds were moaning about that pearl station I just jesus god this show is off the fucking hook

LOST 2x22: Three Minutes
ajd;kfjlajdfsoajpdjopajsj special edition
First viewed: May 18th 2006

so this episode was kind of like The Other 48 Days it started with 13 Days Ago when we see Micheal knocking out Locke with the butt of a riffle and he gets a hand gun and gets on the comp and he tries to initiate an IM convo by just hitting his keyboard until he can enter text and he has a nice cyber chat

ajd;kfjlajdfsoajpdjopajsj

>: You okay?

ok, no time, come soon?

>: I'm ready. Coming NOW. You said north

>: -- north WHERE?

when they take me out, there's huge rocks

with a big HOLE in the middle by the

beach, you'll know when you see.

>: It's gonna be okay, I'm coming.


he gets a massive wall of text telling him where to go so he jumps Jack and locks him with with Locke and sets out and hes running north when oh snap

HE SEES THIS OTHER JUST STANDING THERE TAKING A LEAK AND HE TURNS AROUND WITH HIS DICK AWAY AND SAYS MICHEAL SHOULD PUT DOWN THE GUN AND OH SHIT THAT BEARDED OTHER IS RIGHT BEHIND MICHEAL AND HE GRABS HIS RIFFLE AND MICHEAL FIRES IT IN THE AIR AND THE GUY WHO WAS PISSING GRABS MICHEAL BUT HE SHOVES HIM OFF AND HE LEGS IT AND HE GETS HIS HANDGUN OUT AND STARTS FIRING AT THEM AND THAT URINATING OTHER TAKES A FEW SHOTS AT HIM BUT THE BEARDED GUY SAYS THEY NEED HIM AND HE GETS OUT THIS FUCKING BOLA AND THROWS IT AT MICHEALS LEGS AND THEY GRAB HIM AND PUT A SACK OVER HIS HEAD

OH WOW THE WHITE MEN CATCHING THE BLACK MAN LIKE A WILD ANIMAL YOU CAN TASTE THE RACISM


and that night is when the bearded guy met with the hunting party I guess those were the shots they heard in the forest area although didnt they find shell casings by a tree and this Zeke bearded Other takes Micheals hood off and he recognizes him he took his goddamn boy so he spits at this whitey oppressor and then that pissing Other comes up with Kate with a bag over her head and Micheal is gaged and the bearded guy goes out to talk to the hunting party and when he yells for Alex to bring Kate out she doesnt want to and asks the pissing Other to do it I bet shell suck his big Other dick in return or something she is pretty hot for a jewish Other and when shes alone with Micheal she asks him if Claires ok and if she had her baby was it a boy or a girl but they rest of the Others come back before Micheal can answer and Alex apologizes for knocking him out with the butt of her gun wow knocking people out with butts of riffles is really easy I'll need to try that out on my dog anyway that was really cool seeing that from Micheals perspective and that wasnt even Alexs arm we saw handing Kate out and then 11 Days Ago they take Micheal back to their camp and he sees that big rock with a hole in it and it looks somewhat like ancient and man made what the fuck how long have these people been here and Micheal sees they have a hatch guarded by two guys with guns I guess he was telling the truth about that and they do live in a shitty village I dont see any dried fish but hes right these people are savages THIS SHITHOLE LOOKS ALMOST WORSE THAN SCOTLAND LMAO and the bearded guy tells them to get "her" man I was half expecting Frenchy to comes out that would have been an epic twist but that urinating Other takes a blood sample from Micheal what the fuck and he says he'll see him in the funny pages lmao how does he even know what the funny pages are

and this black woman comes up and introduces herself as Ms. Klugh and I was like oh come on you have to be kidding me and she asks him questions about Walt and he doesnt know most of them like if he was sick growing up or when he first started speaking and he just wants to see his son and she asks if he ever appeared someone he shouldnt have and Micheal doesnt answer and she says for someone who wants his son back so much he doesnt seen to know a lot about him thats the same kind of thing his ex girlfriends lawyer said to him

and then 3 days ago hes been held captive there for over a week and this Ms. Klugh comes in with food for him I wonder if they sent a black woman to talk to him because hes black and he could relate to her the fucking racists and he just asks them when theyre going to kill him because he knows where they live and theyve been asking him questions he doesnt know the answers to and he doesnt even think his sons alive anymore and she says hes actually right outside now and he calls bullshit and she tells him about Henry getting caught and that they want him to get get him back because they cant and if he does theyll let him and his son go free but he starts screaming that he wants to see his son AND HE STARTS CHIMPING OUT BRING HIM IN HERE RIGHT NOW and she calls some guy called Pickett in that uninating guy and she says he has three minutes and HE BRINGS IN WALT AND MICHEAL STARTS CHIMPING OUT AGAIN AND TELLS THAT WHITEY TO GET HIS HANDS OFF OF HIS SON AND HE ASKS HIM IF THEY HURT HIM AND MS KLUGH LOOKS AT WALT AND HE SAYS THEY MADE HIM TAKE TESTS AND SHE SAYS THEY WONT TALK ABOUT THAT AND MICHEAL CHIMPS THE FUCK OUT THEY MADE YOU WHAT AND OH MAN WALT ASKS HOW VINCENT IS AND MICHEAL SAYS HES GREAT AND HE MISSES HIM AND MICHEAL SAYS TO WALT ITS GOING TO BE OVER REAL SOON HES GOING TO GET HIM OUT OF THERE AND WALT BLURTS OUT THAT THEYRE NOT WHO THEY SAY THEY ARE THEYRE PRETENDING TH-AND MS KLUGH THREATENS TO PUT HIM BACK IN THE ROOM AND SAYS THATS ENOUGH AND MICHEAL STARTS MEGA CHIMPING OUT AND WALT CHIMPLETS OUT AND BRAKES FREE FROM HIS WHITEY OPPRESSOR AND RUNS OVER AND HUGS MICHEAL OH JESUS OH GOD AND HE BEGS HIM FOR HELP OH GOD BUT MICHEALS TIED TO THIS PILLAR AND WALT ASKS HIM NOT TO LEAVE HIM AND MICHEAL PROMISES HIM HE WILL GET HIM OUT OF THERE AND PICKETT SNATCHES HIM UP AND MICHEAL SCREAMS TO LET HIM GO AND WALT JUST SCREAMS HE LOVES HIS FATHER OH GOD AND MICHEAL YELLS BACK HE LOVES HIM TOO OH LORD OH GOD HES GOING TO GET HIM OUT HE LOVES HIM TOO OH GOD OK OK I CRIED THERE I TOTALLY CRIED MY LITTLE WHITEY EYES OUT

jesus and Micheals just a wreck crying there and Ms Klugh says after he frees their man he'll need to bring these people back and he says he'll do it he'll do anything and she writes down this list and she shows him this list of Kate Jack Hurley and Sawyer and Micheal doesnt know who James is but he knows who Hugo is and she says its just them and he if doesnt bring all the people on the list back there he'll never see Walt again he can just make up a story and they'll be angry enough to believe anything he says and she gives him the list and he says if he does this and she says he'll get his boy back and they both go free and he says HE WANTS THE BOAT oh snap that was intense well we see him Today burning that list I guess he doesnt need it now and he tries to convince Jack that just the five of them should go right now but Jack wants to bring more people and Hurley yells that Ana-Lucia and Libby are dead they havnt even buried them yet so they take their bodies down to the beach jesus

and Micheal sees the blood stain where he shot Libby and he tries to clean it up and Eko comes back and helps him and tells him a story about when he was a priest a boy wanted to know if he would go to hell for beating his dog to death with a shovel (NEDM) because it bit his baby sister on the cheek and all the boy wanted to know is if the dog would be waiting for him in hell and Eko just goes to push the button wow I wonder if Libby and Ana are waiting for Micheal in hell to peg him with studded strap-ons for all eternity lmao and Micheal gets a boner and goes outside and is about to throw up when Jack comes back and Micheal tries to reason with him that it just has to be the five people who know who go to get Walt back but Jack and Sawyer go to get the guns out of his stash and Sawyer asks what Jack and Freckles got up to all night and he says they were caught in a net and Sawyer thinks thats a euphemism for fucking and Sawyer tells Sayid about Micheal coming back and the rescue mission and gives him a gun and he makes some good points I dont know why Hurley is going and he comes up with a new nickname for Kate but yeh Sayid going makes a lot of sense since hes like a badass army dude and when Micheal hears he chimps the fuck out and tells him he cant go because he would just want revenge on Henry and he gets to decide who goes because its his son and Sayid gets suspicious but says he understands and when Sawyer and Jack are loading up all the guns back at the hatch there is a really uber touching scene:

Sawyer tells Jack that he fucked Ana thats how she got his gun and didnt even know her last name and now shes dead and Jack gets really awkward and he doesnt know whether to be jealous of Ana or happy hes being nice to him and Sawyer says "because youre about the closest thing I got to a friend doc" and Jack pretty much cums his gay pants and Sawyer adds "well at least now we get to kill somebody" fuck yeah and Jack saw Eko whos just sitting at the comp carving his jesus stick and he told him about the funeral but he didnt care and Charlie came to see Eko and he asks him to bring him up his stuff since he'll be staying here now but Charlie refuses and says he can get his own stuff and he better leg it since he only has 108 minutes and Charlie tries to find a few sex partner and he gives this injector gun with some vaccine to Claire that he found in the supply drop pallet and he shows her how to use it and he uhh injects this empty injection gun through his jeans into his leg idk but dont you have to like inject it into your veins or something and if its empty doesnt it inject air into your blood stream and kill you and she says he seems to know a lot about injecting stuff yeh heroin usually rofl

and speaking of that hes building this shitty church all on his own when VINCENT RUNS UP WITH THE VIRGIN MARY STATUES FILLED WITH HEROIN AND GIVES IT TO CHARLIE LMAO OWNED and he follows the dog back to Sawyers stash in his tent and theres the statues next to Sawyers (gay) porn collection and Charlie takes all of them and throws them into the sea and Locke watches him and he cuts his splint off and walks away from the funeral for Ana and Libby and we saw Kate and Hurley digging the fresh graves and Micheal was trying to bully Hurley into coming on this mission and he doesnt want to but at the funeral when everyones gathering around and once Jacks said that Ana was a cop and had trouble fitting in and didnt say much so he'll follow her lead which was a shitty speech Hurley manages grit his teeth and say that Libby was a psychologist or a psychiatrist one of those lol and she probably helped a lot of people and she helped him aww and she was his friend and he fights back the tears and turns to Micheal and says he'll go with him and everyones sad and Sun looks out to sea and she gets this shocked look and she shouts

"BOAT... BOAT!!!"

LOST 2x23: Live Together, Die Alone
buckfast wine special edition
First viewed: May 25th 2006

EVERYONES YELLING YAH WERE RESCUED AND THEYRE WAVING DOWN THIS BOAT BUT SAYID SAYS IT MIGHT BE THEM IT COULD BE A TRAP OH FUCK AND HIM AND JACK AND SAWER ALL SWIM OUT TO THIS BOAT AND DRAW THEIR GUNS AND THEY CAN HEAR MUSIC COMING FROM BELOW AND OH SHIT SOMEONES SHOOTING OUT THE CABIN DOOR AND THEY RUN OUT OF AMMO AND SAY "OH DAMN IT" AND JACK KICKS THE DOOR IN AND THEY ALL STARE DOWN AT...

"YOU?!" HAHAHA ITS DESMOND HOLY HELL WELCOME BACK TO THE PARTY YOU CRAZY SCOTTISH DRUNK
and he comes back to the beach for more bucky because hes not nearly pissed enough yet and Jack asks him if he had a sail boat why did he come back and he manages to say through slurred speech and a rock thick awesome scottish accent that he didnt meant to come back he was meant to hit Fiji in a week but the first piece of land he saw with that same damn island and he says THERES NOTHING OUT THERE ITS JUST THE SEA AND THIS DAMN ISLAND THEYRE STUCK IN A BLOODY SNOWGLOBE wtf ok I juse assumed that he couldnt leave because the island had some sort of magnetic anomaly that meant when he was heading like due south west he just kept going in a circle but wow Desmonds back awesome and he sees to be just hanging around the camp bothering everyone and he calls Claire "sista" and tells her that the vaccine is useless and oh man he has a flashback awesome hes getting let out of a military prison holy shit he was in the army and in prison manly as fuck and this guy is giving him all his shit he was brought in with he has that photo of him and his gf that was in the hatch and the book Our Mutual Friend that he says hes saving to read before he dies and the guy says thats a nice idea if you know when youre going to die and hes dishonorably discharged from the royal scotts regiment of her majesties armed forces and when he goes outside we know hes home in good old Scotland because its fucking pissing it down usually when it rains on Lost it means something bads going to happen soon maybe thats why Scotlands such a shit country lmao and this old dickhead tells him to get in his car and he has a box full of letters Desmond wrote to his girlfriend and this faggot gives him a box full of money and tells him to stay away from his daughter and Des asks why he think shed just run away and he says BECAUSE YOUR A COWARD DESMOND

so Desmond has this plan to stand up to this old wanker by winning a round the world boat race his company holds and he goes to America because Scotland hasnt invented boats yet and Des spent all his American money already and OH SNAP LIBBY PAYS FOR HIS COFFEE and they have some coffee together and he tells her he has 8 months to get into the best shape of his life and hes looking for 42 grand for a sail boat and she says she has a boat her husband david died recently and he had one and shed give it to Des and she says the boats called Elizabeth its named after her so Desmond takes her boat and says he'll win the race for love wow wtf Libbys backstory is wacky so she was a patient in the mental institution with Hurley and she said she was a psychologist or w/e and her husband died who had a boat she gave to Desmond named after her that ended up on the same island that she crashed on and that appeared at her fucking funeral man oh man so Desmond stays in America to train and hes about to run the same tour de stade as Jack and you see him pull up behind Des and start running the stairs

when Penelope Widmore pulls up and Desmond asks how she found him and she says "I have a lot of money Desmond... with enough money and determination you can find anyone" and she thought Desmond was gone not in jail and she asks him if hes read that book of his yet and he tells her about winning her dads solo sailing race around the world and he'll be back in a year and she asks him what hes running from and he says that he has to get his honor back and thats what hes running to wow epic and thats when he met Jack who in real time is talking to Sayid and he tells him he thinks Micheals been turned by the Others and that he let Henry go and hes leading them to a trap and Sayid says that he could take the boat and get to the north shore before them and he can scout ahead and that he'll set a fire on the beach to make a signal of black smoke so they can regroup and kick some Other ass and he says "this time they will know that we are coming" thats a pretty terrible plan I thought the whole point was the element of surprise but ok everyones gets together and Sawyer drops the Mr. T reference "alright enough jibber-jabber lets roll" and they do indeed roll so Desmond is still laying about the beach drinking and he says Sayid can take his boat if he wants to go off to see the Hostiles what is that his name for the Others thats badass but Sayid needs someone to sail it and he wants Jin to come but he doesnt want to go he wants to stay with Sun so she says she'll go and then on their way sailing to the other side of the island Suns throwing up but its morning sickness because shes pregnant not sea sickness and Jin shows her something him and Sayid saw and uhh ITS A GIANT STATUES FOOT

AND ITS ONLY GOT FOUR TOES WTF
well that was fucking random so is that like ruins from Others whove been on the island for centuries or like some fake mindfuck thing anyway Locke tried to convince Eko to stop pushing the button by telling him he didnt want to be a slave and then he tried to smash the computer with Ekos jesus stick (I almost typed jesuses Eko stick there lmao) and Eko is like HOW DARE YOU WHITEY SAY I DONT WANT TO BE A SLAVE IM AN AFRICAN YOU FUCKING RACIST lmao and he literally throws him out the hatch while hes screaming about puppets on strings and Charlie sees Locke crying in the jungle hahaha and he tells him Desmonds back so he goes to see Desmond and theyre pleased to see each other and Locke asks Desmond what did the one snowman say to the other and Des replies "smells like carrots" hahaha oh god thats terrible that is worse than whats black and white and red a sunburnt penguin oh jesus and Des calls him box man and passes him some of his bucky and Locke tells Desmond that he found another hatch the Pearl station that was for monitoring their hatch and that pushing the button was just a psychological experiment and he shows him the orientation VHS video and offers to make the popcorn and Desmond just says then if its not real then just stop pushing it and Locke says he did but someone else started and Des is going to sober up (not likely) and they'll see what happens when you dont push that damn button so in the morning Eko is busy carving his favorite ytmnd fads into his jesus stick when OH SHIT ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT and Eko goes to investigate and he goes into the hall way and a while ago he noticed that his cross was drawn to something magnetic behind that wall and now Eko sees a fuse box laying open and OH SHIT THE COUNTDOWN OVER THE LOUD SPEAKERS FOR A LOCKDOWN STARTS AND ITS DESMOND FUCKING AROUND WITH THE WIRING AND A BLAST DOOR COMES DOWN RIGHT INFRONT OF EKO BETWEEN THE LIVING AREA AND THE HALL WAY AND HE RUNS TO THE COMPUTER ROOM AND EKO TRIES TO DIVE UNDER IT AND PUT HIS JESUS STICK UNDER THE BASTDOOR AS ITS COMING DOWN BUT LOCKE SNATCHES HIS JESUS STICK UP AND TELLS DESMOND THATS A NEAT TRICK AND EKOS LEFT SLAMMING AT THE DOOR

and he cant get out the normal way so he has to climb up that rope thats still down the actual hatches escape shaft and he goes to get Charlie whos playing his guitar and asks him if he knows how they got the hatch door open and he says no but if he hums it he can play it rofl and Eko says that if they dont get in there and push that button within 90 minutes everyone on this island will die so Charlie agrees to help and Desmond asks who that guy is and Locke says hes a priest and Des has a flashback to how to first got to the island well he was on The Elizabeth on this race around the world and hes getting raped by waves so he goes into the cabin and gets his book and when he tries to sail out of this terrible storm he falls and bashes his head and passes out

and he wakes up on the islands beach with THIS DUDE IN A HAZMAT SUIT RUNNING AT HIM AND DRAGGING HIM AWAY AND OH MAN HE WAKES UP IN THE HATCH AND OH SHIT ITS THAT INMAN GUY WHO TURNED SAYID INTO A TORTURER AND HE ASKS HIM DESMOND IF HES "HIM" AND WHAT DID ONE SNOWMAN SAY TO THE OTHER AND DES DOESNT KNOW WHATS GOING ON HE THINKS HES GONNA GET RAPED BUT THIS GUY JUST GOES AND PUSHES THE BUTTON AND SAYS HES JUST SAVING THE WORLD OH MAN

so I guess this Inman character who introduced himself as Kelvin and said he found him by the shore with no boat to be seen showed Desmond the orientation video to explain why he was so disgruntled that Des wasnt "him" and that he had to push the button then and Desmond watches it over and over again and asks why theres missing parts and Kelvin says his old partner Radzinsky made edits hmm I wonder if hes the guy who wanted people to not see the warning about using the computer for other purposes maybe he didnt want people to know its possible and they only put that in to see if people would since its fake and Des asks why he wears that HAZMAT suit and Kelvin says so he doesnt get infected out there I guess thats why it says Quarantine on the door and he gives Desmond the vaccine gun and says he should give himself a shot of that every 9 days since he was out there a while and says he hopes not to long or something implying that if hes infected hed probably have to kill him well maybe that infection shit is fake to I mean ok here is my icethin segway look at the party of five A-team going to rescue Walt they're fine well other than getting attacked by some bird that Hurley thought said his name I think that was the same bird from the last season finale and Micheal thinks it might be a white bird and tries to shoot it only to find that his guns empty and he worries that Jacks onto him and theyre walking along this river and Sawyers discussing his Others theory and he wonders if theyre left over from the DHARMA folk and he thinks theyre aliens and thats why they have fake beards theyre whole heads are plastetic and Hurley is like MEE MOO MEE MOO and corrects him its prosthetic rofl and he asks freckles what she thinks and she tells him to shut up and keep smiling because they're being followed by at least two Others on the other side of the river oh shit and she draws her handgun and asks if hes in and hes like fuck it and readys his AK and KATE SHOOTS AT THE TWO OTHER SCOUTS AND SAWYER TAKES SHOTS AT THEM AND THEY FUCKING LEG IT WHILE GETTING SHOT AT AND KATE RUNS DOWN AND TAKES MORE SHOTS AND JACKS LIKE HOLY SHIT

AND SAWYER TURNS ON HIS AIMBOT AND SHOOTS ONE AND HE FALLS DOWN THE HILL AND DIES HOLY SHIT NICE SHOT BRO
and they want to go after the one that got away but Jack blurts out that it doesnt matter they already know theyre coming and looks over at Micheal and he asks him to tell them whats going on and Micheal goes to say he doesnt know what hes talking about and Jack yells STOP LYING and they all gang up on Micheal and Jack tells him to tell them

AND AFTER TWO MONTHS WITHOUT BEING ABLE TO VISIT STORMFRONT.ORG JACK SNAPS AND GRABS THAT COON BY HIS NIGGER COLLAR AND YELLS AT HIM TO TELL THEM THE TRUTH AND MICHEAL IS LIKE NO MASSA PLEASE MASSA THEY MADE ME MASSA THEY TOOK MY BOY MASSA LIKE THE UNCLE TOM HE IS and he explains that it was the only way they made him they gave him a list of the four of them and they said if he didnt bring them hed never see his son again and Jack takes his gun off of him and asks him who the Others are and he swears theyre hillbillies who live in teepees and eat dried fish and Kate asks if he let Henry go and he just nods and Hurley asks if he killed Ana and Libby and he says it was the only way and Libby was a mistake he didnt have time to think she just walked in and Jack looks like hes about to be sick and even Sawyer looks really shook up and Hurley just coldly says if he did have time he still would have killed her and all Micheal can say is hes sorry hes sorry its his son THEY TOOK HIS SON and Hurley says hes going back and that Jack knew they could all get killed and he let them go anyway and Jack says its too late to go back if they dont believe they trust Micheal THEYLL KILL US ALL and he swears that they have to know he wouldnt have done this if he didnt have a plan and Sawyer just asks what plan well cut to it THEIR PLAN IS TO PRAY TO ALLAH LMAO ALLAH ACHBAR PRAISE BE TO ALLAH and once Sayid has finished working out which way mecca is and finding a towel to pray on and not put around his sand nigger head he gets out the binoculars and sees the stone with the hole in it above the others camp

ITS JIHAD ON THE OTHERS TIME

Eko proves once and for all that niggers are dumb by TRYING TO BLOW UP A BLASTDOOR and Charlie tries to stop Eko but he lights the fuse and CHARLIE LEGS IT AND THE DYNAMITE GOES OFF OH BOLLOCKS

holy shit and the blastdoor is fine lmao and Desmond flashbacks to KELVIN PAINTING THE BLASTDOOR ULTRAVIOLET MAP and he said this Radzinsky guy was the one who worked out how to fake a lockdown and hes the one who started this invisible map when Des asks what happened to Radzinsky he just points to a brown stain on the ceiling and says he put a shotgun in his mouth and the bitch of it was that he only had 108 minutes to bury him and Des been there two years and he wants to leave even with the infection and the "Hostiles" he says he was in the army but Kelvin says he left and Des says it was because he couldnt follow orders and Kelvin gives him an order to stay in the hatch and later Des notices a floor panel is up and he goes under and Kelvin is almost drunker on buckfast than Desmond perpetually is being Scottish and hes holding this key and says its for the failsafe you just put it in this system shutdown and it all goes away and Desmond asks him whats behind that wall and whats the incident and Kelvin says ELECTROMAGNETISM GEOLOGICALLY UNIQUE THE INCIDENT THERE WAS A LEAK AND NOW THE CHARGE BUILDS UP AND NOW EVERYTIME WE PUSH THE BUTTON IT DISCHARGES IT BEFORE IT GETS TOO BIG HERES THE REAL QUESTION DESMONDO DO YOU HAVE THE COURAGE TO TAKE YOUR FINGER OUT OF THE DAMN AND BLOW THE WHOLE THING UP INSTEAD fuck me so right thats just what theyre told the DHARMA guys are told theyre discharging this like naturally occurring emp or something and theres a failsafe to discharge it but its never been used holy shit and back in real time Sayid is looking badass scouting the Others camp with two handguns down his waste band ready for some duel wielding and he has his rifle out and hes sin the teepees looking for their dried fish but its totally empty and he goes up and oh man HE OPENS THEIR HATCH ITS JUST A SOLID STONE WALL BEHIND IT ITS JUST A FAKE DOOR LMAO THE VILLAGE WAS A DECOY I GUESS and on few miles away the party of five stumbles on this like big stack of tubes or something and OH SHIT ITS THE EXIT PIPE FOR THE PNEUMATIC TUBE CONTAINERS FROM THE PEARL JUST BEING DISCARDED IN A BIG PILE and Kate opens one of them and theyre all full of notebooks full of handwriten notes and Sawyer finds Lockes little map sketch and he sees Sayids smoke signal and Jack starts on Micheal THEYRE NOWHERE NEAR THE BEACH and Micheal says hes sorry he had to and

WOAH UH OH OH SHIT THEY HEAR THE WHISPERS AND EVERYONES LOOKING AROUND AND SAWYER GETS SHOT IN THE NECK WITH SOME SORT OF DART AND OH FUCK ITS LIKE A TAZER THING AND HE GETS SHOCKED BY THIS THING AND FALLS OVER SPAZING OUT AND JACK JUST YELLS RUUUUUUN AND HURLEY COVERS HIS NECK WITH HIS HAIR LMAO AND MICHEALS PUTTING HIS HANDS UP SAYING ITS OK AND THIS TAZER DART THING IS ELECTROCUTING SAWYER AND HE PASSES OUT AND THIS ELECTRO DART COMES SHOOTING OUT OF THE JUNGLE FROM BEHIND THEM AND HITS KATE IN THE SHOULDER AND SHOCKS THE SHIT OUT OF HER AND JACK TURNS AROUND AND HES LIKE FUCK YOU OTHER SCUM AHHHHH AND EMPTIES HIS GUN INTO THE JUNGLE HITTING NOTHING HES FUCKING DINORAGING AND KATES SPAZZING OUT LIKE A SPASTIC WHO FELL OUT OF HER WHEELCHAIR WITH THIS DART IN HER AND JACK FUCKING PICKS HER UP AND LEGS IT AND THE WHISPERS ARE GOING APESHIT AND JACK GETS HIT IN THE LEG BY A TAZER DART BUT HES STILL FUCKING RUNNING AND HE FALLS OVER AND THE OTHERS ALL RUN UP AND BAG THEM OH SHIT and they bring them to this Pala Ferry pier that was mentioned in the Pearl orientation that takes you to the barracks or something and Kate looks up at the bearded Other and mumbles something at him and she says "MMNNAWW YAAA BFFRRD SHH FFNNKK" and he doesnt understand and Ms. Klugh says "she says she knows your beards fake Tom" and he says "well thanks for pointing that out Kate I cant tell you how much this thing itches and thanks for telling them my name Bea" and then their boat pulls up and out comes WOAH SNAP ITS HENRY AND HE WANDERS UP THE PIER AND SAYS HELLO AGAIN TO JACK AND HE TURNS TO TOM AND ASKS HIM WHERE HIS BEARD IS LMAO AND HE SAYS I THINK THEY KNOW AND HENRY LOOKS DISAPPOINTED

AND HE TURNS TO MICHEAL AND SAYS THEYLL TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS NOW OH MAN I THINK HES THEIR LEADER OH FUCK FAKE HENRY WAS THE LEADER OF THE OTHERS ALL ALONG
and back at the hatch if I didnt know Desmond couldnt connect to the internet right now I would have sworn he stole this theory from there they were talking about the Pearl station observing them and he says "what if youve got it backwards... the experiment wasnt on the two men in here but the two men in there" woah holy shit like just to see how long two guys would sit there watching two other guys working and living jesus christ thats fucked up and Locke gets raged and gives him the log printout for reading material for the next 19 minutes and he flashbacks and hes been down the hatch for three years and he follows Kelvin outside and he takes off the HAZMAT suit and Desmond breaths in fresh air and he follows him to this mars like stone beach and OH SNAP HE SEES HIS SAIL BOAT and Kelvin comes up behind him and tells him he was a spook for 10 years he knows when hes being followed and he says he was fixing his boat and he needed someone to stay behind the save the world while he escapes

DESMOND RAGES ON HIM AND HE GRABS HIM AND STARTS SCREAMING HOW HE STOLE HIS LIFE AND HE FALLS BACKWARDS ONTO A ROCK OH JESUS HE BASHED HIS HEAD AND THERES BLOOD LEAKING ALL OVER THE ROCK AND OH GOD HES DEAD HE KILLED HIM HE KILLED KELVIN THE ONE MAN HES KNOWN FOR THREE YEARS AND THEN HE REALIZES OH SHIT HE HASNT PUSHED THE BUTTON AND HE RIPS THE FAILSAFE KEY FROM KELVINS DEAD NECK AND LEGS IT LIKE FUCK BACK TO THE HATCH AND WHEN HE GETS BACK THE ALARMS GOING APESHIT BANANAS AND ITS BEEN OVER 108 MINUTES THE HIEROGLYPHS ARE ALL SHOWING ON THE COUNTER AND THIS VOICE IS SAYING SYSTEM FAILURE OVER THE SPEAKER AND THE WHOLE PLACE IS SHAKING AND HE TRIES TO TYPE IN THE NUMBERS BUT THE MONITOR IS JUST SPEWING WALLS OF TEXT AND OH GOD HES TRYING TO TYPE IN THE NUMBERS BUT ITS NOT WORKING HOLY SHIT HES QUIVERING BEHIND HIS KEYBOARD AT MACH SPEEDS AND HE FURIOUSLY QUIVERS TRYING TO TYPE IN THE NUMBERS

AND SHIT STARTS RATTLING ABOUT AND ALL THE METAL SHIT IN THE LIVING AREA IS FLYING INTO THE HALL WAY OH JESUS EVERYTHINGS SHAKING AND THERES THIS MECHANICAL GENERATOR SOUND ITS STILL NOT WORKING HE GOT HALF WAY AND ITS JUST SYSTEM FAILURE WALLS OF FUCKING TEXT AND EVERYTHINGS FLYING ABOUT AND HES TYPING AND TYPING THE FUCKING NUMBERS BUT ITS JUST THIS WALL OF TEXT SYSTEM FAILURE AND SHITS GOING NUCLEAR THIS GENERATOR NOISE IS POWERING UP AND HE GOES INTERNET HERO SUPER SAIYAN MODE AND QUIVERS BEHIND HIS KEYBOARD AT LIGHT SPEED AND TYPES AT WARP SPEED AND HITS EXECUTE AND HOLY SHIT IT WORKS IT ACCEPTS THE NUMBERS OH GOD OH JESUS AND EVERYTHING STOPS FLYING ABOUT AND DROPS DOWN AND THE SYSTEM FAILURE ALARM STOPS AND THE COUNTER FLIPS BACK FROM THE HIEROGLYPHS TO 108 AND THE MACHINERY SOUND POWERS DOWN AND THE MONITOR RESETS TO THE BLANK ANGRY FACE >:| COMMAND PROMPT HOLY LORD
AND BACK IN THE HERE AND NOW DESMOND ASKS LOCKE WHAT THE DATE OF THE PLANE CRASH WAS AND LOCKE SAYS SEPTEMBER 22ND AND DESMOND LOOKS UP THAT DATE ON THE LOG PRINTOUT AND INSTEAD OF ACCEPTED IT SAYS SYSTEM FAILURE AND THAT WAS THE DATE HE JUST FLASHEDBACK TO IT WAS THE SAME BLOODY DATE AND DES SAYS
"I THINK I CRASHED YOUR PLANE" motherfucker oh christ its down to the four minute mark and its beeping every two seconds and the counter flips down every second and Desmond says they need to push it because he crashed a fucking passenger plane the last time it ran down the hieroglyphics and the system failure and the shaking it was on the same date as the plane crash ITS REAL ITS ALL BLOODY REAL NOW PUSH THE DAMN BUTTON AND LOCKE SAYS NO ITS A LIE ITS NOT REAL NONE OF ITS REAL AND HE BASICALLY COMPRAGES THE COMPUTER OH SHIT

oh man and the counters at 3 minutes and Desmond opens the blastdoors and he runs out and gets his book Our Mutual Friend and he has a flashback to when he was about to kill himself a few weeks after he almost let the system failure go ahead and he takes a drink of the old bucky and is about to read this book when a letter falls out and its from Penny oh jesus and it says all we really need to survive is one person who truly loves us and he has her and shell wait for him always oh wow and he freaks out ITS ALL OVER ITS GONE ITS ALL GONE AND HE TRASHES THE PLACE AND THROWS ALL THE BOOKS AND VINYLS OVER THE PLACE HES ALL ALONE HIM ON THAT ISLAND NOTHINGS LEFT HE KILLED THE ONE MAN HES BEEN WITH FOR THREE YEARS AND NOW ITS HIM AND THAT FUCKING BUTTON HE JUST WANTS TO DIE AND THEN HE HEARS THIS CLUNKING THIS BASHING AND HE HEARS SOMEONE YELLING AND HE GOES ALONG THE CORRIDOR AND LOOKS UP THE HATCH AND HE TURNS ON THE SEARCH LIGHT AND THATS LOCKE THATS THE LIGHT LOCKE SAW DES LOOKS UP AND HES NOT ALONE OH GOD THE WORLD STILL OUT THERE and back in real time he gets the failsafe key out the book and he tells Locke he saved his life so he can save his and he goes under the floor and says "ILL SEE YOU IN ANOTHER LIFE BROTHA" and oh god the counters past 0 the hieroglyphs are up SYSTEM FAILURE SYSTEM FAILURE SYSTEM FAILURE SHIT STARTS SHAKING AND ALL THE CUTLERLY AND PANS START FLYING AT CHARLIE AND EKO FROM THE KITCHEN AT THAT WALL AND THERES THIS UNHOLY POWERING UP HUMMING NOISE PIPES ARE GETTING RIPPED UP AND SPARKS ARE FLYING AND THE WASHER AND DRYER FLY AT CHARLIE AND THE PLACE IS TREMBLING AND EKO STAGGERS INTO THE COMPUTER ROOM AS WEIGHTS AND CANS WIZZ PAST AND LOCKE LOOKS OVER AS EVERYTHINGS GETTING RIPPED UP AND THE COUNTER IMPLODES AND CRUMPLES UP AND HE SAYS "I WAS WRONG" AND THE LID OF THE SYSTEM TERMINATION BOX IS TORN OFF AND DESMOND SLOTS THE KEY IN AND HE REMEMBERS PENNY TELLING HIM ALL HE NEEDS TO SURVIVE IS ONE PERSON WHO LOVES HIM AND HE HAS HER AND HE SAYS "I LOVE YOU PENNY" AND HE TURNS THE KEY-...

and over at the docks Henry is deciding whether he'll rape Jack or Sawyer first when suddenly OH FUCK THERES THIS PIERCING THROBBING HUMMING NOISE AND THE SKY TURNS VIOLET AND EVERYONE COVERS THEIR EARS AND THE OTHERS ARE ALL FLAILING ABOUT AND THIS DRONING SOUND AND THIS STROBING PURPLE FLASH CAN BEEN SEEN BY THE ASIANS AND SAYID ON THE BOAT AND AT THE BEACH CAMP AND HENRYS JUST STARING UP AT THE THIS NEAR BLINDING VIOLET FLASH AS THIS GROANING DIES DOWN AND THE PURPLE IN THE SKY DISSIPATES THE EVERYTHING STOPS SHAKING AND THE HATCH DOOR WITH THE QUARANTINE FLYS DOWN AND LANDS ON THE BEACH CAMP JESUS CHRIST and Henry just carries on like nothing happened and he tells Micheal they got more than they bargained for when Walt joined them and he always keeps his word and he says if he takes this boat and follows a compass bearing of 325 him and his son will find rescue and he wont be able to come back and Micheals just asks "who are you people?" and Henry says "we're the good guys Micheal" and he tells him Walts in the boat and oh god Micheal jumps in and Walt hugs him and Walts so happy to see his dad and he says theyre going home oh god and they untie Hurley and tell him his job is to go back to his camp and tell his people to never come back to this place and that theyre taking his friends home with them and Jack nods that its ok to him and as Hurley backs away Micheal drives off with Walt and the Others grab Jack Kate and Sawyer

AND ALEX GRABS KATES TITS and Jack gives Sawyer one last gay look and they put the sacks over their heads oh shit and then theres a scene that noone cares about where Claire kisses Charlie christ I hope he dies and suddenly theres a cut to some like snowy mountains and theres a blizzard raging and theres these two guys playing chess in this like base in the arctic/antarctic talking in Portuguese and one of these chess nerds looks over at their comp and

WOAH THATS A MODERN COMPUTER AND THERES THIS FLASHING RED LIGHT AND A WINDOW HAS POPED UP SAYING "7418880 ELECTROMAGNETIC ANOMALY DETECTED" AND THE NERD IN THE GLASSES ASKS IF THEY MISSED IT AGAIN AND HIS MATE IS SCRAMBLING TO QUIVER BEHIND HIS KEYBOARD AND FOUR EYES ASKS IF ITS A FALSE ALARM AND HIS MATE YELLS TO SHUT UP AND CALL SO HE PICKS UP HIS PHONE AND HE GETS ALL NERVOUS LIKE HES ABOUT TO SPEAK TO A CUTE GIRL AND WE SEE A PHONE RINGING ON A BEDSIDE WITH DESMOND AND PENNYS PHOTO AND THIS GLASSES NERD SAYS... "MISS WIDMORE... I THINK WE FOUND IT" OSHI-THATS PENNY MOTHERFU-CUT TO LOST
holy shit so I spent pretty much the next few weeks just listening to podcasts and reading the theories that were the fallout from that epic finale it was pretty amazing but nothing beats the adrenaline rush of catching the tidal wave of nerdgasms that are produced from the tsunami that is a new episode of Lost I pretty much had nothing to do since I had 0 social life and all I'd done for the past 7 months was just watch Lost constantly and I posted on the ytmnd forums a bit that had come back from those gay temp forums and people were starting to get less mean to me I chatted with cool posters like vitafin and ted stevens all the time and I hardly ever posted on IGN anymore since the mods were constantly trying to catch me posting dirty and they had recently changed changed their profile pages so I thought hmm maybe I should make a new profile for my 20000th post but that was only like a few hundred posts away so I had to stop posting while I thought of something cool for my profile and as the Lost community died down I stopped posting on IMDb in fact I told them I was committing suicide because Ana-Lucia was killed off lmao I had like a billion page rip ruby thread but I craved new Lost content and I think by then I'd heard they were going to try and solve the constant repeats problem by showing a pod of 6 episodes and then having a three month brake before showing the other 16 but that wasnt until October and I didnt give a shit about season 2 airing over here but I'd heard about this Lost Experience thing and I looked it up and turned out Lost had its own ARG and I'd heard about the adverts being run for it in america so I thought lol let me play this ARG so I did and I spent ages ferreting around http://thehansofoundation.org jesus christ joops corner scared the shit out of me

that fucking orangutan made me piss myself
and the respectable number of blogs forums and podcasts dedicated to that kept me relatively content and I went out and bought season 1 on DVD and watched that all again in the space of about five days and the special features were really interesting but ugh it wasnt new content I needed something else to do with my time I remember getting the pc game farcry and loving that because it was pretty similar to Lost and I had just discovered that I could make gifs with photoshop elements so I made a shit load of gifs of this game and I thought maybe I should get another computer game so it was like July and I was just hanging out on the ytmnd forums with this cute internet girl I'd started chatin to called fanfare and some other cool dudes like this

when some fag said he could beat me at counter strike and I was like what the fuck is counter strike so I bought it and this was the first game I'd played online other than maybe like warcraft 3 several years ago and my immediate reaction was HOLY SHIT THIS GAME IS INTENSE EVERYTIME SOMEONE KILLS ME THEY CALL ME A FAGGOT AND EVERYTIME I KILL SOMEONE THEY TELL ME TO TURN MY AIMBOT OFF I LOVE THIS SHIT and I set my spray to some cool gay nigs but then I went on this shitty family holiday to the fuck end middle of nowhere in Scotland where I couldnt even play counter strike and the only internet connection in the whole area was a 56k one in the local library holy shit and when I got back I caught with the Lost Experience and it was now about this cute internet girl called Rachel Blake who had a blog about the hanso foundation and long story short I think it turned out they did 9/11 and there was a pretty funny thing at the 2006 comicon where she appeared in person and accused the writers of the show of conspiring with the hanso foundation well they are jews I wouldnt put it past them and from there we also got some info about season 3 that got me pumped as fuck but jesus christ it was still 3 months away and also this guy from a podcast I listen to stood up and asked if Rose and Bernard work for DHARMA lmao and he also asked if there was an underwater hatch and the writers just quivered behind theyre jew noses and didnt answer dominated so I was just discussing how cute Rachel Blake was and how she owned some guy with an iron or something

when Vitafin IMd me and was like oh hey ruby and linked me to this cool forum called http://forums.ytmnsfw.com lmao and I was like oh cool can we post child porn now well guess not so I registered and I was actually the 7th registered user here pretty cool huh so posting here was awesome until like August or something when some dumbass thought it would be a good idea to turn on this dogshit terrible IP tracker that told me I had a billion alts and was banned wow good job guys so I was like well I'll just post at alol until thats turned off and I strolled into alol and was like oh hi guys I'm ruby I like Lost you wanna hear my incest jokes and they were like no get out and went back to talking about anime but I kept posting there for like a month and almost every post I made there I was told to get out but I kept posting and all these forum bigshots kept being mean to me it was like joining the ytmnd forums for the first time everyone trying to get me to click last measure and download snowflakes.exe and I think that was about when I watched repeats of Fastlane on channel five or whatever man that show was awesome but when clay or whoever finally lifted the IP tracker I immediately packed up and moved back to these ytmnsfw forums and everyone welcomed me back with open dicks it was so lovely and alol had to have an emergency meeting to come up with lies about how they trolled me out of their terrible forum and so I just spent the next month hanging out here and working on my IGN profile that I'd decided to just make a massive collage of gay stuff I like when one fateful morning I woke up to hear the dreadful news that STEVE IRWIN HAD BEEN STABBED IN THE HEART BY A STRINGRAY AND DIED OH GOD ok I admit it I cried and I had to make a ytmnd about that too that shook me up pretty badly but I think by then the Lost Experience was winding up and there was that shit about finding hieroglyphs that cheered me up from Steves death and you had to unlock like half a second of video and once you did all that you got to watch this like orientation video where Alvar Hanso explains that the numbers are part of the The Valenzetti Equation to predict when the world will end holy shit

so that was pretty interesting and that all wrapped up at the end of September and I was super fucking pumped for season 3 of Lost and I had just gotten season 2 on DVD and I watched it in literally three days the special features were pretty awesome it was like a little orientation video and the bloopers were satisfyingly homoerotic and by then I didnt have to lurk Lost forums for links to shitty videos of the latest episodes I had just gotten used to using awesome sites like tv-links.co.uk and movie6.net to watch movies in fact I watched the entire movie Running Scared on google video so when the big day finally rolled up after five long months of waiting I ignored all of the internet from fear of spoilers and I just lurked all these video link sites I had bookmarked and hit F5 every few seconds until I found the video for...

LOST 3x01: A Tale of Two Cities
cheese grilled sandwich special edition
First viewed: October 5th 2006

first frame of the new season of Lost was some womans eye hmm and it follows the season openers of showing someone getting ready for something like Jack waking up in the jungle and wandering into the plane crash or Desmond starting his morning routine in the hatch this woman puts a CD in the player and it plays Downtown by Petula Clark and she looks in the mirror and gives herself a sexy little smirk and I must say she has some nice tits js

but she seems pretty depressed and shes in her house so I guess this is a flashback dont think weve seen this woman before maybe thats Jacks wife or something no but she gets some chairs out and she hears her oven beeping and she runs to her kitchen and oh shit her muffins are burning and she burns her hand owned and the doorbell rings and this old lady is there and it looks like theyre in suburbia what is this Desperate Housewives have I downloaded the wrong vid lmao and some dude is fixing her pluming and then she has a book club meeting where all her neighbors are around discussing the book Carrie by Stephen King and some dick called Adam says its not even literature its popcorn and he says his gay boyfriend Ben whoever that is isnt here because this book sucks and he calls that woman Julie hmm dont I know her from somewhere na its probably just because this episode starts in a flashback in the real world and its a bit jarring and they argue about this book and she fake aplogyses for picking a book Ben wouldnt like and says she thought free will still actually exists on thi-WOAH SHIT STARTS SHAKING ITS LIKE AN EARTHQUAKE OR SOMETHING AND EVERYONE GETS UNDER THE DOORWAY AND EVERYTHINGS FALLING OVER AND THE HOUSE IS QUIVERING AND THEN THE TREMORS STOP oh man wait I know what this is this is what happened in the real world when Desmond turned the failsafe key isnt it it like shook the worlds core or something and this Julie woman and all her neighbors go outside and that guy comes from out under her house from fixing her pluming he looks kinda familiar and everyones coming out their houses and wait a second is that Henry is this before he came to the island and joined the Others or something and theres this low rumbling noise and everyones outside walking around and theres this high pitched wailing sound and theyre looking about and theres this sort of howling creaking grinding noise and they look up into the sky and and theres a smoke trai-OH SHIT A PLANES CRASHING OVER HEAD WAIT IS THA-

WOAH MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST ITS THE MIDAIR CRASH OF OCEANIC FLIGHT 815

OH SHIT THE TAIL RIPS OFF AND ONE OF THE WINGS EXPLODES OH SHIT THATS THE PLANE AND THERES SHIT FLYING OFF OF IT AND ITS BRAKING UP


AND EVERYONES STANDING THERE WATCHING THE GODDAMN PLANE CRASHING AND THE DIFFERENT SECTIONS OF THE PLANE ARE RAINING DOWN JESUS CATFUCKING GOD AND HENRY CALLS OVER GOODWIN AND ASKS HIM WHERE THE TAIL LANDED AND HE SAID PROBABLY THE WATER AND HE SAYS IF HE RUNS HE CAN MAKE THAT SHORE IN AN HOUR

AND HE CALLS OVER ETHAN AND TELLS HIM TO GET UP THERE TO THAT FUSELAGE THERE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE SURVIVORS AND YOURE ONE OF THEM A PASSENGER YOUR IN SHOCK COME UP WITH AN ADIQUIT STORY IF THEY ASK STAY QUIET IF THEY DONT LISTEN LEARN AND DONT GET INVOLVED I WANT LISTS IN THREE DAYS GO AND HENRY LOOKS AT JULIES BOOK AND ASKS IF HES OUT OF THE BOOKCLUB NOW AND WE SEE

THE TWO INFILTRATORS LEG IT TO THEIR RESPECTIVE PLANE CRASHES AND WE SEE THEIR HOUSES ARE IN THE JUNGLE OH MY GOD THATS THE OTHERS THE OTHERS ARE LIVING IN A VILLAGE BU-OH MY CHRIST


ITS THE FUCKING ISLAND HOLY SHIT THE OTHERS ARE LIVING IN SUBURBAN HOUSES ON THE ISLAND AND THEY SAW THE PLANE CRASH OVER THE ISLAND AND HENRY SENT ETHAN AND GOODWIN TO POSE AS SURVIVORS AND THEY HAVE A LITTLE FUCKING TOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE JUNGLE ON THE ISLAND AND THAT WAS JUST FLIGHT 815 CRASHING HOLY COTTON PICKING NIGGER CHRIST LOST IS THE BEST FUCKING SHIT EVER I JUST CAME TEARS OF JOY OUT MY DICK

we open the rest of this episode after that fucking epic opener in one of Jacks boring flashbacks where we see him trying to cover up the obvious fact that hes a flaming homosexual by trying to not divorce his wife and he wants to find out who her new boyfriend is so he can suck his dick and hes stalking his wife and in his car Moonlight Serenade is playing I think thats the song Sayid and Hurley picked up on that shortwave radio anyway Jack starts calling everyone in his wifes phone and his dad walks in and tells him hes a faggot and Jack calls another number and his dads phone rings lmao and he tells him to let it go and then he thinks his dads fucking his wife and ignores some guy dieing of AIDS and I think the nurse there is the same one who was with Locke after his kidney transplant and he follows his dad to an AA meeting where he tackles him and it is a known fact that homosexuals have bad relationships with their parent of the same gender pretty sure anyway Jack wakes up with a boner after dreaming of Sawyers dick and he finds himself in some weird greenly lit cell area and he sees these chains hanging from the ceiling and he takes off this cotton wool taped to his arm and he tries the door but its locked and he tries playing with the intercom but its not working and the door is open at the other end of the room so he walks over

BUT OH SHIT HE WALKS RIGHT INTO A PERSPEX WALL ROFLMFAO and he tries to brake it but fails and he yells for Kate to try and not seem so obv worried about Sawyer and Kate wakes up in a changing/shower room and Tom is right there and says why doesnt she have a nice hot shower wash the day off of her and shows her some shampoo and towels and Kate is like "UGH IM NOT SHOWERING IN FRONT OF YOU" uh oh rape alarm just went off but Tom is like "hahaha Kate youre not my type" OH SHIT TOMS GAY looks like Jack has a potential new bf lmao and Kate takes off this cotton wool taped to her arm I guess they took blood samples from her too and like the slut she is Kate showers I dont know why the hell shed do that I think that falls under "asking for it"

and when shes done showering she finds her clothes are gone and shes like HEY WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES lmao and she sees a sign saying wear this on a locker and its got this sun dress in it pretty sure no underwear lmao again I'm not sure why they just left here there instead of taking a shower she should have just legged it like fuck and then Tom appears behind her but instead of raping her he and a few other Others take her outside along this canopy walk way thing and down to a beach where Henry is sitting by a table set for an ok breakfast and he offers Kate a seat and she sits down and Henry asks her to put on some handcuffs but we know how much Kate hates bondage and he says if she doesnt she wont get any coffee lmao so she puts them on guess she likes coffee and she asks where Sawyer and Jack are and he asks why she said Sawyer first and she wants her clothes back but he says they burnt them he probably kept her panties to jack off into though and her bra to wear lmao and the rest of her clothes for spares ok he probably didnt burn any of them and she asks whats up with the sun dress and the breakfast and he says she wants her to feel like a lady and look out into the ocean and feel comforted that her friends might be looking out at the same sea and to eat with a fork because the next two weeks arnt going to be pleasant and then I'm pretty sure he just bends her over that breakfast table flips up her dress and rapes her right then not speaking of rape Sawyer wakes up in this cage in a clearing in the jungle next to some weird building with a DHARMA logo on it

and in the other cage is this teenage kid who wont talk to Sawyer and in his cage is this machine with a button on it that has a symbol for food on it and theres a slot for something to come out and a pipe for water and theres a lever on the ground on the other side of the cave and this lever on a pole thing in the corner so he pushes this button and it plays a recording of a woman saying WARNING and he pushes it again and it says WARNING and the kid in the other cage says he shouldnt do that and he pushes it again and LMAO IT ELECTROCUTES HIM OWNED back in Jacks cell he goes back to those chains that are attached to some pull mechanism on the roof so he pulls at this chain and this woman tells him to stop that and oh wow its the woman from the start and she says hi to Jack and introduces herself as Juliet and gives a sexy little smirk heh and she wants Jack to stop pulling on that chain

and he asks where his friends are and she says if he gets down from the table shell tell him and he says if she wants him down shes to come in and get him down and she says if he wants to talk shes haTELL ME WHERE MY FRIENDS ARE holy shit and she says she will if he lets go of the chain and he says YOU THINK IM STUPID lmao no she says she doesnt but she thinks hes stubborn and he keeps literally yanking her chain and later on hes getting thirsty and tries to drink some water thats salty and/or sewer water he should try storing that water up and letting it ferment and then huff it and trip massive balls on jenkem anyway the intercom starts crackling and he says if someones tries to talk its not working but then WOAH HE HEARS HIS DAD SAY LET IT GO JACK WTF and then Juliet comes back in with OH MAN A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH I LOVE THOSE IN SCOTLAND WE CALL THEM TOASTIES OM NOMFF NOM NOM OMFF

and she has a water bottle with that line DHARMA symbol that was stamped on the shark that Micheal rolled on last season and she tells him to go sit in the corner so she can open the door and set the tray down and Jack says he doesnt want his food idk whats wrong with him it looks delic and he tells her the guy whos trying to talk to him on that intercom can give it up but she says that it hasnt worked in ages and he asks whats that button behind her for and she says emergencies is that the new big mystery or something lmao and Jack turns down her scrumptious looking toastie and tells her she can have it so she does and she asks him whats his profession is and he says hes a repo man and asks her what her job is other than making sandwiches oh nice girl joke Jack and she says she didnt make them she just put the toothpicks in good because she burnt her muffins I bet shed burn this you know she looks really familiar hmm anyway she smirks the shit out of him and then she asks him where his plane that crashed was flying from and he says Australia to get his dead dad and she says shes sorry and that he doesnt need to be afraid of her shes not going to hurt him and he asks her what the hell is going on and she just om nom noms on some grilled cheese sandwich and leaves owned and then Sawyer is trying to get some food too but this kid starts asking him how far his camp is and if his people are nice and he says theyre awesome the last one of their folk that came over got tortured by their iraqi lmao and then he turns around and this kid is gone and OH SHIT HE POPS UP RIGHT INFRONT OF HIM AND THIS ALARM GOES OFF SAYING SUBJECT ESCAPE AND THIS KID PICKS THE LOCK ON SAWYERS CAGE WITH A PAPERCLIP HE HAD HIDDEN IN HIS FORESKIN LMFAO AND HE TELLS SAWYER TO RUN THAT WAY AND HE LEGS IT THE OTHER WAY AND SAWYER RUNS PAST THIS BIG BIRD CAGE OR SOME SHIT AND RUNS INTO UH OH ITS JULIET SHE SMIRKS HIM AND THEN TAZERS THE SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HES LIKE NO DONT TAZE ME BRO LMAO

and then the Others drag him back to his cage and Tom brings this guy whos name is Karl and makes him say that hes sorry for involving him in his brake out attempt and Tom has this mood ring on that is green for gay and Sawyer eventually manages to solve this machine by putting a rock on the lever on the ground pushing the button and throwing his shoe at the lever in the corner and it plays this final fantasy triumph music and he does a little dance and it gives him this biscuit shaped like a fish with DHARMA on it and a bunch of grains and some water out the pipe and he sniffs the fish biscuit

and takes a nibble I'm pretty sure was CGI lol and then they bring in Kate whos half crying and has her wrists all torn up from the handcuffs and Tom says he'll bring her antiseptic for that later and Sawyer asks Tom for a blow dry and Tom is like "hey you got yourself a fish biscuit howd you do that" and Sawyer says "figured out your complicated gizmos thats how" and Toms like "ONLY TOOK THE BEARS TWO HOURS" LMAO ADVANCED LEVEL OTHER TROLL JOKE

so I guess DHARMA had those polar bears in the cages oh well thats another Lost mystery solved completely logically the polar bears were BROUGHT to the island there problem solved dumbasses anyway Sawyer chucks his fish biscuit to Kate and she is like om nom nom wishing it was a grill cheese sandwich and Sawyer tries to put a brave face on things and compliment her dress but she says they made her wear it for easy rape access not speaking of rape back in Jacks cell Juliets trying to get him to eat some grilled cheese sandwich telling him the drugs they gave him make him dehydrated and if he doesnt eat or drink he'll start hallucinating and he asks if shes a doctor now and she says no shes a repo woman rofl and she says she knows it feels like hes giving up if he does anything she asks him to but theres no strings attached he doesnt have to answer any questions or anything just go up against that wall so she can bring him some food so he agrees and I was like no dont do it Jack but he does and he has that flashback about tackling his dad and hes like FUCK YO SANDWICHES BITCH AHHH AND HE SMACKS THE PLATE AWAY AND GRABS JULIET AND PINS HER AGAINST THIS TABLE AND ANY STRAIGHT MAN WOULD HAVE RAPED HER BUT NOT JACK AND SHE REACHES FOR HE TASER AND HE KNOCKS IT AWAY AND HE GRABS A SHARD OF BROKEN PLATE AND HOLDS IT TO HER NECK AND WALKS OUT THE DOOR AND INTO A HALLWAY AND TRIES TO KICK OPEN A DOORS LATCH AND HE COMES TO THIS BIG DOOR WITH A WHEEL AND TELLS HER TO OPEN IT BUT SHE SAYS THEYLL DIE AND FUCKING SCREAMS AT HER TO OPEN IT AND OH SHIT

ITS HENRY WITH HIS TROUSERS UP TO HIS OXTERS AND JACK SAYS HELL KILL JULIET AND HENRY SAYS YEH OK D/C IF YOU OPEN THAT DOOR SHE WILL OH WOW IS WHATS BEHIND THIS DOOR THE NEW BIG MYSTERY THIS SEASON AND JACKS LIKE AHHHHH FUCK YOUR BIG MYSTERY JEW BOY AND OPENS THE FUCKING DOOR AND HENRY LEGS IT AND LOCKS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM AND JULIETS LIKE OSHI-AND UH OH JACK GETS OWNED BY A BIG WALL OF WATER LMAO AND JULIET YELLS AT JACK TO SWIM INTO THE ROOM AND THEY CLOSE THE DOOR ON ALL THIS WATER FLOODING IN AND SHE TELLS HIM TO PUSH THE BUTTON AND IT LIKE DRAINS THE HALLWAY AND SHE LUMPS HIM THE FUCK OUT


and he wakes up back in his cell and Juliets changed into dry clothes shes lookin pretty hot still looks familiar though still cant place it and Jack says its an aquarium this is a tank for sharks hes in and she says and dolphins and he asks if this is one of theyre hatches and she says they called it the Hydra and he asks if the Others are part of the DHARMA initiative and she says that was a long time ago and it matters what they are now and she says they know exactly who he is Jack Shepard and he says she doesnt know anything about him and he reads a massive list of facts about him and I was expecting for him to say she still didnt know anything about him because she forgot the fact that he is gay and he has a flashback about his wife bailing him out of the police station for tackling his dad and she leaves him for some dude and hes like NOOO SHE KNOWS IM GAY SHIT and then he asks Juliet if his wife is happy and she says she is she is very happy not being married to a gay and she gets him to go sit in the corner and he does so while crying about how gay he is and Juliet goes outside and Henry tells her good work and she says thank you Ben WOAH FUCK HENRYS REAL NAME IS BEN

well jesus that was pretty fucking fantastic that opener ugh fuck and Jack and Sawyer and Kate waking up in their various states of captivity was excellent and who is this Other woman who has that sexy smirk like shes about to mole-waaaait a second I recognize her

WOAH SHIT JULIETS THAT HOT PEDOPHILE LADY FROM RUNNING SCARED FUCKING ACE

LOST 3x02: The Glass Ballerina
go red sox special edition
First viewed: October 12th 2006

Juliet goes along the hall after visiting Jack with soup and knocks on a door and Hen-I mean Ben comes out and he seems to have some sort of tv monitors behind him with surveillance cameras showing and Juliet smirks at him and he says she never made soup for him that kind of reminded me of when in The Matrix Neo gets freed from the matrix and Trinity brings him soup and Cypher says she never brought him soup I wonder if Ben was held captive once or maybe he just means in general he wants some soup now and again and then this Other woman called Colleen who asks if shes interrupting something like a total bitch and Juliet smirks her out and Colleen tells Ben that theres a problem the Iraqi found the decoy village and Ben is like yeh cool but she says Ryan followed Sayid back to the shore and she says they have a sailboat and Ben shits himself HOW?! oh man he doesnt know about Desmond and his boat owned and she asks him what to do and he says hes thinking damnit hahahaha and he tells her to put together a team and HE WANTS THAT BOAT well Sayid and the asains are in for a jolly good time this episode actually opened in Suns flashback when she was a cute little asian loli and she broke a glass ballerina and blamed the made and her gangster dad fired her for it and we learn that she is in fact a lying whore when OH DAMN SHES IN BED WITH JAE LEE THAT BALD MEDIEVAL RUSSIAN LITERATURE GUY WHAT A WHORE and there would probably be a lot of debate that he was the father of her unborn baby and not Jin BUT HE DIDNT GET HER PREGNANT BECAUSE HE GAVE HER A PEARL NECKLACE HEEHEEHEEHEE GET IT HAHAHA but wait it gets even funnier HER DAD WALKS IN and woah Jae Lee is pretty buff but mr gangster man has this demented sneer on his face and he actually gets Jin to kill Jae Lee but he just tells him he stole from him so Jin goes to beat up this guy for fucking his wife and he doesnt even know it and look at this its hilarious I took this screencapture to show that his door number was 1516 but the look of OSHI- on his face is priceless

JIN FUCKING ROLLS ON JAE LEE AND HE BRICKS HIMSELF LMAO AND HE BASHES HIS HEAD AGAINST HIS DOOR AND THROWS HIM THROUGH A WALL AND INTO A TABLE AND HE BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE PUTS A PILLOW TO HIS FACE AND PULLS OUT A GUN BUT HE JUST TELLS HIM TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY ITS FUNNY BECAUSE JAE LEE THINKS HES TALKING ABOUT HIS WIFE BUT HE DOESNT WANT TO KILL HIM I BET IF HE KNEW HE FUCKED HIS WIFE HED WANT TO KILL HIM HANG ON LOOK AT HIS FACE AGAIN OH CHRIST PRICELESS:

and Jin goes down to his car he hears something whistling like its falling and OH SHIT JAE LEE FALLS ON HIS CAR DEAD HE KILLED HIMSELF HOLDING HIS PEARL NECKLACE OH WELL THERE GOES ANOTHER DEGREE IN MEDIEVAL RUSSIAN LITERATURE DOWN THE DRAIN RIP
well that was a pretty eventful flashback back on the island or more accurately in its waters they are on the boat with Sayid and he has those maps he stole from Frenchy and hes drawing out his battle plans and he wants to sail further along and make a bigger fire

they see the Pala Ferry and Sayid says its safe and they dog there and set up the signal for Jack on the beach but Sun can tell hes lying and asks him why he is and he asks her what she knows about lying and he admits that its not a signal Jack he thinks theyve been captured its a signal for the Others and when they send a team to investigate hes going to ambush them and take two of them hostage and kill the rest two so theres one to make the other cooperate wow thats a badass plan but then Jin marches up and demands a gun and he tells Sun that he understands english a lot better than she thinks he does lmao owned so Sayid gives him his handgun and asks if he can handle it and is half way telling him its an automatic something when Jin ejects the magazine and puts it back in and puts the safety off that kind of reminded me of Jack asking Locke if he could use one and he checks the magazine and Sayid tells Sun theres another handgun in the sailbot so at night Jin and Sayid are waiting to jump any Others that check out the smoke and Suns on the boat when OH SHIT SHE HEARS OTHERS BOARDING THE SHIP AND SHE GETS THE GUN OUT AND UH OH COLLEEN COMES BELOW DECK AND SUN TELLS HER TO BACK UP OR SHELL SHOOT HER BUT COLLEEN SAYS SHE WONT BECAUSE SHES NOT A KILLER AND SHE SAYS THEYRE NOT THE ENEMY BUT IF SHE SHOOTS HER THATS EXACTLY WHAT THEYLL BECOME AND SHE EDGES CLOSED AND SUN SAYS SHE WILL SHELL SHOOT HER BUT SHE WONT BACK UP AND THE BOATS ENGINE STARTS AND WHAT DOES SUN DO

SHE FUCKING SHOOTS COLLEEN FUCK YEAH BITCH WOW I CANT BELIEVE SUNS THE FIRST PERSON THIS SEASON TO KILL AN OTHER LMAO GO SUN
AND COLLEENS LIKE OH FUCK I GOT SHOT IN THE OVARY OUCH AND THIS NIGGER OTHER SHOOTS AT SUN AND SHE RUNS INTO THE BACK CABIN AND JIN AND SAYID HEAR GUNSHOTS AND RACE TO THE END OF THE PIER BUT THE OTHERS ARE SAILING AWAY ON THE BOAT AND SHOOTING AT THEM AND THEY TAKE COVER AND SAYID RETURNS FIRE AND SUN MANAGES TO OPEN A WINDOW AND GET ONTO THE DECK AND JIN DIVES INTO THE WATER AND SWIMS AFTER THE BOAT AND TOMS THERE WITHOUT HIS BEARD AND HE SHOOTS AT SUN OH FUCK AND SHE ROLLS OFF THE BOAT AND INTO THE SEA AND JIN SWIMS ABOUT SCREAMING UBO UBO UBO AS THE BOAT SAILS INTO THE NIGHT AND OH THANK GOD SUN SCREAMS UBO BACK AND THEY HUG IN THE OCEAN WOAH SHIT
and a while ago on the other side of the island Sawyer and Kate were taken out their cages and that faggot Pickett kissed Colleen as she leaves and Sawyer eyes them and Picketts like hey fuck you and then he takes them to this like quarry area and he tells them theyre gonna have to move and then brake up some rocks what that is the dumbest thing ever what are they niggers and Kate asks if he expects her to work in that dress and Pickett says she can take it off if she wants and Sawyer gets a massive boner but then Kate looks like shes just been raped which she probably has and he says to Pickett how dare you rofl and Pickett says if you need anything raise your hand you get 10 minutes for lunch and Sawyer raises his hand and says he has a question and he says no questions and he says she got to ask a question and he says if you try to run off you will be shot and he says shot dont we even get a warning and he says no shocked and takes his taser out I said shocked if you touch each other your going to get shocked matter of fact if you do anything at all that pisses me off your gonna get shocked wow what a fucking asshat and Kate says shes not doing jackshit until she sees Jack and he shocks Sawyer lmao so they get to work and Kates braking up these rocks while Sawyer brings them over and he just sort of takes a moment to appreciate her ass in that sun dress braking rocks now even though I am gay I have to admit she does have an ok ass and Pickett is chatin with Juliet about the latest cp downloads when he yells at Sawyer to get back to work and someone PSSTs Kate and its that little sexy Jewess Alex hiding in a bush and she asks Kate if she saw Karl in the cages and she says no and Alex says shes wearing her dress and she can keep it it looks better on her anyway and leaves wtf and Sawyer asks if shes having fun yet and she says QUIT STARING AT MY ASS and Picketts like HEY SHUT UP and there is a hilarious scene where Sawyer and Juliet basically have a smirking contest she sees him looking at her and smirks the fuck out of him and he smirks back at her like quit smirking dumbass and she throws a canteen at him and he catches it and she smirks and hes like whatever and this canteen has the line on it like the water bottles and the sharks and the canteen that Ethan gave Claire that made her trip massive balls and Sawyer knows this and doesnt feel like huffing any Jenkem today and she takes her like smirking battle stance and he opens it and she tilts her head for a mega smirk attack and he uh oh pours it out and smirks at her

and she fucking mega smirks at him and he smirks a little and throws the canteen away and she smirks so hard she turns away while fucking smirking
and he looks over at Kate whos looking really hot in her sun dress mining like Jin does for gold in World of Warcraft and hes like fuck it and he marches over and gives her a big passionate kiss yeeeh go on my son

but uh oh look out its the anti-kissing police and holy shit SAWYERS MAKING OUT WITH KATE AND PICKETTS LIKE AAAAHHH NO KISSING CUTE FUGITIVES ON MY WATCH AND HIM AND HIS NO FUN POLICE ROLL UP AND SAWYER GIVES KATE A LITTLE SMIRK AND PICKETT HITS HIM WITH THE BUTT OF HIS GUN AND HES LIKE WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT KISSING GIRLS ONLY GAY KISSING ON MY QUARRY AND HE SWINGS THE BUTT OF HIS RIFFLE AT HIM AGAIN BUT OH SHIT SAWYER COMES BACK UP AND GRABS HIS FUCKING GUN AND HE LUMPS HIM THE FUCK OUT FUCK YEAH SAWYER AND HE FUCKING UPPER CUTS HIM HELL YEH SON AND THIS FAGGOT OTHER COMES UP BEHIND HIM BUT FUCK HIM SAWER GODDAMN ELBOWS HIM IN THE FACE AND THIS FAT SACK OF SHIT OTHER TRYS TO TASER HIM WELL FUCK HIM TOO SAWYER GRABS HIS FUCKING HAND AND TWISTS HIS ARM AROUND AND TRYS TO SHOCK THE FAT GUY WITH HIS OWN TASER BUT THE SAFETYS ON OH SNAP AND THE FAT GUY PUNCHES SAWYER AND SHOVES HIM OVER BUT SAWYER ROLLS OVER PICKETTS RIFFLE AND HES GOT THIS AK BACK UP OTHERS BUT OH SHIT JULIET BEHIND HIM AND IS LIKE JAMES PUT THE GUN DOWN AND SHE HAS KATE AT GUN POINT AND TELLS HIM TO PUT THE GUN DOWN AND SHES JUST STARING AT HIM AND KATES LIKE D/C AND SAWYER LOWERES HIS GUN AND PICKETT IS LIKE ITS TASER TIME SON AND SAWYERS LIKE YEH WHATEVER AND BARES HIS MANLY CHEST TO GET TASERED WOAH THAT WAS AWESOME

and they throw them back in the cages and Sawyers shoulders still hurting and he gets serious and analyzes the Others fighting abilities the heavy set guy (notice how hes reserving all his fat jokes for Hurley) packs a hell of a punch and FYI the tasers have safetys and Kate notes the looks on their faces when he got that riffle but that blonde that had her hostage would have shot her no problem and she asks him why she called him James and he says thats his name and he also noticed that she tastes like strawberrys uh nuh uh shes not redheaded and she says he tastes like fish biscuits lmao and he says now they wait for them to make a mistake and when they put their guard down theyll be ready to put them in their place but OH SHIT BEN WAS LISTENING TO ALL THAT ON HIS SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS THAT DIRTY VOYEURISTIC JEW

and he goes into visit Jack and he says he wants Jack to change his atti-perspective and then he reintroduces himself "hi my name is Benjamin Linus and I've lived on this island all my life" and he puts out his hand to shake but Jack doesnt shake anything not even his dick and Ben calls for someone to bring in a TV and VCR set and he says if he cooperates he'll send him home and he says patience when Jack asks cooperate with what and then he asks if homes where Walt and Micheal were sent and Ben totally says yes and Jack just says if he could leave this island why would he still be here and he says yeh thats the question and Jack says hes lying he has no way of leaving and Ben says "your flight crashed on september 22nd 2004 today is november 29th that means youve been on our island for 69 days and yes we do have contact with the outside world thats how we know that during those 69 days your fellow Americans reelected George W Bush Christopher Reeve has passed away Boston Red Sox won the world series" and Jack fucking lols his face off and says "if you wanted me to believe this you probably should have picked someone besides the Boston Red Sox" and he almost literally rofls and Ben is like no no I know baseball I'm a good dude they were down three games to none against the Yankies in the league championship and then they won eight straight and Jacks just like "hahaha of coarse they did hahaha" and then Ben just turns on this TV and oh god it shows IT SHOWS THE RED SOX WINNING THE WORLD SERIES OH MY GOD HES TELLING THE TRUTH THATS THE GAME HE WAS TALKING ABOUT IT HAPPENED AND THE COMMENTATORS SCREAMING THIS IS WHAT THE RED SOX FANS HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR AND THE CROWS GOING INSANE AND THE PLAYERS ARE REJOICING OH MY GOD

AND JACK JUST WALKS UP TO THE GLASS AND STARES AT THE SCREEN HES WATCHING TV HES WATCHING SOME BASEBALL HES WATCHING THE RED SOX WIN THE WORLD SERIES AND BEN TURNS OFF THE TV AND SAYS "THATS HOME JACK RIGHT THERE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT GLASS AND IF YOU LISTEN TO ME IF YOU TRUST ME IF YOU DO WHAT I TELL YOU WHEN THE TIME COMES... ILL TAKE YOU THERE... I WILL TAKE YOU HOME"



LOST 3x03: Further Instructions
tripping massive balls special edition
First viewed: October 19th 2006

so this episode was pretty much entirely about how cool drugs are Lockes flashback was about how he picked up a male prostitute who I swear has lipstick on and with a Geronimo Jackson shirt and hes pulled over by The Man and he says he has loads of guns in the back of his truck but he has all the paper work for it so its cool and he takes this kid back to this commune I thought was a pedophile ranch because some boy opens the gate for him and he gives him beans and this commune is all about all the dumb spiritual hippy shit Lockes always on about like sweat lodges and whether your a farmer or a hunter and he considers them his real family now and the kid he picked up wants to know what theyre doing with all the fertilizer in the greenhouse and he thinks theyre building a bomb and he wants in he wants to bomb the white house kill bush lmao but turns out WOAH THEYRE GROWING A SHIT LOAD OF WEED 420 SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY

and it turns out his gay boyfriend is an undercover cop working for The Man ready to stamp down on these hippies literally smoking weed every day so Locke takes him out into the forest and is about to shoot him when this Kid tells him they picked him because hes "amenable for coercion" and hes not going to shoot him hes a good person hes not a murderer and thats hes a farmer not a hunter that was kind of like Colleen telling Sun shes not a killer and she got a bullet in the ovary for her troubles but Locke doesnt shoot this kid and then Locke wakes up in the jungle in the same fashion as Jack did in the Pilot and instead of seeing Vincent running around he sees DESMOND RUNNING THROUGH THE JUNGLE NUDE WOAH HOT and Locke tries to yell at him he wants to see his nice wang but his voice isnt working so he gets up thinking hes probably smoked a little too much weed and he almost gets hit by Ekos Jesus Stick that just fell out of a tree and hes like "OH MAN I NEED TO GET HIGH" so he goes back to the beach and he take down a hammock tent thing for materials and he builds a sweat lodge in Ekos half built church and Charlie comes up saying he doesnt call he doesnt write a line he used on Eko that he stole from Bernard and they play the Lost version of charades where Charlies guesses that Locke is mute and Locke motions to his throat and stuff coming out and Charlie says he needs to speek and then he points to Charlie and he says you need to speak to me and Locke shakes his head and points to the sand and Charlie asks if he wants to talk to the sand and he points into the trees and Charlies heard theyre wonderful conversationalists and Lockes about to beat him up when he starts flying around like a bird and Charlie would probably understand this if he was high but right now its not making any sense (like this entire show lmao) and he guesses the island and hes right Locke needs to speak to the island

Locke gets a pad of paper and writes in 1337 5p34k that he needs Charlie 2 stand guard and Charlie says he detests Locke because he lumped him out and accused him of using heroin when he wasnt and Locke writs down that its @ the sweat lodge this guarding needs to be done yeh he actually fucking writes in like txt msg talk 2 u @ gr8 dix lmao so they go to his sweat lodge and Lockes mixing up some jenkem because hes about to trip hardcore and Charlies like "youre not taking drugs are you John? I only ask because of the strict 0 tolerance policy youve enacted I wouldnt want you to have to punch yourself in the face" and then he shows him the note saying u need 2 stand gaurd UH OH TYPO MEE MOO MEE MOO MEE MOO

lmao and he writes down not to come in and underlines it hes "2" stand "gaurd" while Locke goes into his magic hut in case he devolves into a monkey so Locke gets in his sweat lodge and he gets this jenkem paste and he eats some of it oh man and he puts it all on the fire and HE HUFFS THE JENKEM HUFF THAT JENK BOY and he just sits there huffing jenk but hes not getting high and he just stares at the fire

and BAM THERES BOONE OH SHIT and Locke mouths that hes sorry and Boone just says he was the sacrifice the island demanded and he says he'll speak when he has something worth saying and then Locke cant move his legs uh oh and Boone points over to oh christ his wheelchair and says hes going to need that because hes about to TRIP MASSIVE BALLS AND LOCKES LIKE WOOOOAAAAH SHIT IM FREAKING OUT DUDE OH SHIIIT MAN IM SEEING MY WHEELCHAIR STAND UP WOAH SHIT IM IN A FUCKING AIRPORT DUDE I HAVE MANTITS AND BOONE SAYS SOMEONE IN THIS AIRPORT IS IN SERIOUS DANGER AND LOCKE IS LIKE WOAH BRO ITS OSAMA BIN LADEN OH SHIIIIT ITS A TERRORIST IM TRIPPING STANDARD SIZED BALLS OH MAN THIS IS A BAAAD TRIP IM FREAKING OUT MAAAN

WHOOPS ITS JUST SAYID AND THE ASIANS WHO ARE FINE AND OH SHIIIT LOCKES GETTIN FUCKED UP AND CHARLIE IS SAFE FOR NOW SO ARE THE BABY AND CLAIRE AND HE SEES HURLEY IS TYPING IN THE NUMBERS AT THE CHECK IN COUNTER AND DESMONDS A PILOT AND FLIRTING WITH ALL THE AIR HOSTESSES SHIT DUDE HE KNOWS HOW TO ROLL BUT OH MAN SAWYER AND KATE AND JACK ARE GOING THROUGH SECURITY AND WOAAAH FUCK THE SECURITY GUARD THATS WANDING JACK IS BEN SHIT HES TRIPPING GIANT BALLS AND HES FREAKING THE HELL OUT MAN AHHH BUT BOONE SAYS HE HAS TO CLEAN UP HIS OWN MESS

AND HE DISAPPEARS UP AN ESCALATOR THAT LOCKE HAS TO CRAWL UP AND OH SHIT HE PUTS HIS HAND ON SOME BLOOD AND ITS COMING FROM EKOS JESUS STICK WOAH TOTALLY NOT COOL MAN AND BOONE SAYS HE HAS TO CLEAN IT UP AND BOONES ALL FUCKED UP AND INJURED OHHHH FUCK IM TRIPPING MASSIVE FUCKING BALLS AND LOCKE COMES TO IN HIS SWEAT LODGE AND HE LOOKS AT THE FIRE AND BACKS OUT BUT
OH SHIT A FUCKING POLAR BEAR JUMPS OUT OF THE FIRE AT HIM AHHH HE TRIPPED WORLD SIZED BALLS THERE FUCK YEH AND HE IS PRETTY MUCH STONED FOR THE ENTIRE EPISODE 420 SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY and he gets a knife and takes it out its sheath and Charlie asks him what hes doing and he says hes going to save Mr Ekos life so they go traipsing through the jungle and Lockes going in to tracker overdrive and they find Ekos cross and he says he was dragged this way by a polar bear but Charlie says Sawyer killed the polar bear and Locke says he killed A polar bear yeh I dont know why every fucking idiot thinks there was only one didnt they watch Special goddamn it and they wander in on this big crater and THATS WHATS LEFT OF THE HATCH WOW

just this big hollow clump of metal in the dirt and then they find a fresh boar carcass with huge bite marks out of it and Locke says its an active kill and the polar bear that was eating this will be back for more and then OH SHIT THEY HEAR A GROWL AND LOCKE SAYS RUN AND THEY DO AND THIS POLAR BEAR SNARLS AT THEM AND IT GIVES CHASE AND IT STARTS ROARING AS THEY LEG IT AND THEY RUN INTO A CLEARING AND THEY LOST HE BEAR BUT THERE IT IS RUSTLING IN FRONT OF THEM AND LOCKE GETS HIS KNIFE AND THROWS IT AND WE HEAR "WOAAAHH" AND ITS HURLEY AND THE KNIFES EMBEDDED IN HIS CANTEEN AND HES LIKE "...DUDE" so he tells them the Others captured them and kept Jack Kate and Sawyer and sent him back to warn them not to go back and he says that the dude they had in the hatch Henry was there and hes their leader and Locke tells him to go back to the camp and tell everyone else and Charlie explains the polar bear saving Eko situation and Hurley heads back scared of polar bears and uh oh he hears some rustling and its someone asking if hes alone brotha and he says yeh and DESMOND POPS OUT OF A BUSH WITH HIS WEDDING TACKLE FLAPPING ABOUT and he asks Hurley for some clothes since the beach camp is right over there and he says he woke up nude and Hurley asks if the hatch blew his underwear off AND DESMOND PUTS HIS ARMS OUT AND PROUDLY DISPLAYS HIS MIGHTY SCOTTISH HAGGIS FOR ALL TO SEE AND HURLEYS LIKE WOAH DUDE NICE DONG BRO and gives him a tie-dyed shirt and back with Locke he finds more polar bear fur and Charlie tells him when he used to get high hed watch nature programs on the BBC and trip massive balls over how smart polar bears are and they come to this cave that looks like the heart of darkness and Charlie wants to go in but Locke says hes not meant to and they argue while Locke commandos the fuck up he puts some water in the mud and spears this muddy water all over his arms and face and it looks like hes put on black face but its to hide his scene and he wraps a flammable cloth around a stick and he gets some hairspray and Charlie hates to be the one to brake it to him but Locke says its not for him and he lights the torch with a bic lighter and takes out his knife and wades in and he gets into this main cavern an he puts his knife away and he finds this old toy truck and oh man he finds all these skeletons with DHARMA uniforms on them specifically the pearl station I guess after the polar bears done tripping massive balls it gets the munchies lmao and he sees this blooded bone thing and OH ITS EKO OH JESUS IS HE MISSING HIS ARM NO ITS JUST A STICK HES HOLDING ONTO AND HE SUDDENLY GETS PULLED AROUND A CORNER AND LOCKE GRABS HIM AND

OH SHIT THIS POLAR BEARS PULLING AT EKOS LEG AND ITS LIKE ALL NIGGERS MUST DIE WHITE POWER WHITE POWER BUT BADASS AS EVER LOCKE THROWS A FUCKING ROCK AT IT FUCK YEAH AND THEN HOLY SHIT LOCKE HOLDS HIS FIERY TORCH UP AND HE GETS HIS SPRAY CAN FINALLY ALL THOSE YEARS OF WATCHING MACGYVER FINALLY PAYED OFF FUCK YOU WHITEY BEAR THIS IS FOR MANDELAS 27 YEARS AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AND HE FUCKING FLAMES THE SHIT OUT OF THIS POLAR BEARS FACE HAHA NOT SO WHITE ARE YOU NOW YOU BURNT FUCKING BEAR HONKEY AND THIS POLAR BEAR IS LIKE RAAAACE TRAAAAITOOOOR AND FUCKS RIGHT BACK OFF TO STORMFRONT.ORG ON THE COCONUT INTERNET TO RANT ABOUT ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS WITH THE RACIST BOARS AND LOCKE SAVES EKO FUCK YEAH
and he drags him outside and hes all blooded up and him and Charlie carry him off meanwhile Desmond and Hurley are walking to the beach and he asks Des about the failsafe and he tells him about the island shaking and the sky turning purple and he says the failsafe must have detonated the electromagnetic anomaly and the hatch imploded and Hurley says he didnt hes not going to turn into the Hulk or anything lmao imagine if Desmond got superpowers rofl and Hurley says FYI and says the island vibrated and there was a blender noise and Jack Kate and Sawyer saw it too before they had bags pulled over their faces and Desmond says hes not to worry Locke said hed go after them in his speech and Hurleys like what speech and Desmonds like oh uh sorry still a bit confused and Locke and Charlie are carrying Eko back when he tells him he saw Boone in his spirit tent and he said he had to clean up his own mess and Charlie hears a stream and goes to get water and they sit Eko down and Locke apologizes to him for loosing his faith in the island and says he should have just let him keep pushing the button and he could have gone with them and protected them and saved them from being captured and Eko wakes up and says he can still protect them and save them because hell find them for after all he is a hunter and when Charlie comes up with the water Ekos passed out again wtf so they bring him back to camp and everyone gathers round Claire drops her things and this beaner guy wakes up from his spic nap time and all the redshirt extra randos run up and one of them is pretty hot and she says they need Jack but Hurley says Jack isnt coming back theyve got him and this hot beaner chick is like WHAT I DONT UNDERSTAND WHEN WERE YOU PLANNING ON TELLING US THIS HURLEY?

and this other beaner is like THEY? WHOS THEY? and Locke buts in and says theyre the Others and he gives a little speech about how theyre going to go and find them and bring them home but first they need to see to Mr Eko and he tells Paulo and Nikki to bring towels and water and tells Claire to bring the first aid supplies and Charlie says not a bad speech and Hurley is like woah I just got hit with like deja vu and he looks at Desmond and WAIT A SECOND DID DES JUST PREDICT LOCKE SAYING THAT SHIT WTF AND HURLEY IS STARING AT DESMONDS TIEDYED SHIRT TRIPPING UNIVERSE SIZED BALLS THINKING ABOUT DES TELLING THE FUTURE

LOST 3x04: Every Man for Himself
hippity hop special edition
First viewed: October 26th 2006

this episode was a Sawyer centric episode and was like a high concept action movie like snakes on a plane or bomb on a bus or terrorists in a skyscraper this was bomb in a sawyers heart but his flashback was about him in jail and he conned a fat guy and had a baby called Clementine that one shitty flashback was still better than all of Prison Brake and so was the B-story where Desmond predicts the weather kind of like Locke but he didnt need to smoke weed every day and be a webelo anyway Desmond gets a golf club from Paulo who gives him shit about having an adventure and what a fucking beaner and Desmond is just like you know you might want to square your shoulders a bit more and Paulos like you play golf and Des is like I'm Scottish bro lmao rolled on and then Desmond sets up this big pole with the golf club at the top like a lighting rod outside Claires tent and her and Charlie are under it during a rainstorm and

OH LOL IT GETS STUCK BY LIGHTNING WTF so I guess Desmond can tell the future or something thats fucking retarded and Jacks watching cartoons on the TV set jesus I bet Juliet watched those cartoons with them while molesting them I think I'm going to be sick and she comes in and she tries making small talk about what child porn shes recently downloaded from 12chan and he says shes just the person who brings him his food oh snap and she says she doesnt answer to him and Ben comes in and says the subs back and they have a situation lol

ITS COLLEEN WITH SUNS BULLET IN HER OVARY BLEEDING TO DEATH UH OH OWNED and they rush between Sawyer and Kates cages and he says it was their team bet he wouldnt believe it was sun who utterly rolled on Colleen and he comes up with this plan he remembers from watching the same Macgyver marathons as Locke and he pulls the pipe to the side so the water from the machine runs out of his cage into this puddle and he pushes the button twice so it charges up the shock and he tells Kate that next time Pickett (italics to show how he says his name in a mock fashion) comes to get him and steps in the puddle he'll grab him and ZAP they fall back and he grabs the keys BET THE BEARS NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT and Kate says very honestly shes actually impressed and then Ben walks up and Sawyers like oh yeh the big Kahuna and he asks him his age and weight and then BEN STEPS IN THE PUDDLE AND SAWYER GRABS HIM AND SAYS "SAYONARA SUCKER" AND KICKS THE BUTTON OH SHIT BUT ITS NOT SHOCKING THEM AND HE TWISTS BENS ARM AND DEMANDS TO KNOW WHAT HE DID AND BEN JUST SAYS "WE TURNED IT OFF"

AND THEN HITS HIM IN THE FACE WITH SOMETHING AND OH FUCK ITS THIS FOLD OUT BATON THING AND HE WHACKS HIM IN THE BACK WITH IT AND THROWS HIM AGAINST THE BARS AND HITS HIM IN THE LEG WITH IT AND THROWS HIM ON THE GROUND AND KICKS HIM IN THE FACE OH SNAP
and Sawyer wakes up strapped to a table and Toms telling Ben that since the sky turned purple their comms have been down and this Other called Jason gives him this dick looking gag lmao and this Other Matthew gets this giant fucking needle out and Ben says he hates needles lmao and oh god in Jacks cell the intercom comes on and he hears Sawyer mumbling and screaming for them to stop and let him go and Jacks like NO SAWYER AHHHH oh jesus and Matthews trying to hold Sawyer still to stick this needle in and Jasons like "NO YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE STERNUM LIKE IN THE MOVIE" HOLY SHIT THEY LEARNT HOW TO DO THIS PROCEDURE FROM PULP FICTION LMAO AND MATTHEWS PLUNGES THIS NEEDLE INTO SAWYER OH JESUS

and when Sawyer wakes up Tom comes in with a white bunny with a number 8 painted on it in a cage and he puts it on Sawyers chest what the fuck and Ben comes in and OH JESUS HE STARTS SHAKING THIS BUNNYS CAGE OH MY GOD YOU SICK FUCK AND BENS LIKE "HEY HEY COME ON LETS MOVE HIPPITY HOP COME ON" THIS BUNNYS SHITTING ITSELF "COME ON LETS MOVE IT LETS MOVE IT HIPPITY HOP HIPPITY HOP HIPPITY HOP" SAWYERS LIKE "WHATS YOUR PROBLEM" BUT BENS LIKE "LETS MOVE IT LETS GO MOVE IT COME ON COME ON ARRRRR" AND OH JESUS THE BUNNY FALLS OVER AND JUST TWITCHES AND SAWYERS LIKE "DID YOU JUST KILL THAT BUNNY" FUCKING NEDM AAAHHH

and the thing is Ben even uses words specifically designed to agitate bunnies like "hippity hop" holy shit now I have seen pics of kids with their arms blown off in suicide bombings videos of terrorist beheadings pictures women being held down and fucked with bayonets movies of children getting raped images of a man eating a baby but jesus christ that just there is by far the worst thing I have ever seen in my entire life I mean he just shook a bunny in a cage to death on this guys chest I threw up in my mouth there just typing that dear lord and its about to get worse Ben asks Sawyer if he knows what a pacemaker is they put one in the bunny and it was set to give its heart a kickstart if it got too excited... or should it try to escape and he says his active heart rate would be about 140 which is the point where Sawyers pacemaker will cause his heart to explode oh my god thats worse than Crank and Ben says the watch he gave him will monitor his pulse and if he gets within 15 beats her minute of his danger zone it will beep and hed want to do some yoga and Sawyer asks if they want him dead why dont they just shoot him and Ben says because theyre not killers James (yeh ok calling Sawyer James isnt impressing anyone anymore Ben you can shut the fuck up about that now) and then he says about Kate and hes like "you touch her I swea-" but Ben just says if he tells her what they put in him or that theyre watching them he'll put one in her (and probably rape her some more) holy shit if I had one of those things while watching this episode my heart would have gone Hiroshima and they put Sawyer back in his cage and they give them both buckets of water and Kate some spare cloths to wash up and she tells him to turn around so she can change he does and she puts on some panties for the first time in two days and jeans and he looks over at her and WOAH SHES TAKING HER DRESS OFF WOAH SHES TOPLESS DUDE

AND SAWYERS LIKE OHH YEH AND GETS A RAGING BONER UH OH HIS HEART RATE MONITOR IS GOING OFF AND BEEPING LMAO KILLER BONER
and Kate covers her tits because shes a classy bird
and asks what that is and he yells at her to PUT SOME CLOTHES ON lmao and then he looks at Kates tits and gets a boner again and his watch is going apeshit so he pours the bucket of water over himself holy shit this is fucked up and over in Jacks cell he can hear a conversation over the static on the intercom its probably those two Other guys watching Pulp Fiction learning how to tie up guys and rape them wow I bet if they did that exploding pacemaker shit to Jack hed probably like surgically remove it himself because he is so fucking awesome but he wouldnt have anything to worry about he wouldnt get a boner from Kate lmao but obv if he was with Sawyer hed die right away from his raging gay erection and to prove my point Juliet comes in with blood all over her operating clothes and JACKS FREAKING OUT AT HER AND WANTS TO KNOW WHAT SHE DID TO SAWYER HE HEARD HIM OVER THE INTERCOM YELLING AND SHES GOT BLOOD ON HER CLOTHES WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM LMAO OH NO NOT HIS GAY CRUSH SAWYER and Juliet says its not his blood she needs his help so she escorts him to the operating theater and puts a bag over his head and puts on this fucking blazing alarm because theyre taking him past Kate and Sawyers cages and theyre yelling at him

and Bens bricking it and she takes the bag off his head and he sees some X-rays of someones back with some weird wavy shit on the spine and Pickett gets raged that Jacks there and starts ranting about how they did this and Tom has to drag him up to the viewing room with Ben and Juliet tells Jack she got the bullet out but shes still bleeding and he holds this open wound and says its the right upper quadrant and its flowing badly but Juliet says she padded it and he tells her he needs her to clamp back her liver so he can get a look behind it but Juliet hesitates and says shes not a surgeon but Jack says he needs her to do it and she does and OH SHIT HER HEART JUST STOPPED BEATING AND JACK SAYS HE NEEDS A CRASH CART AND JULIET IS LIKE UH UH AND JACK SAYS HE NEEDS PADDLES NOW AND SHE SAYS ITS BROKEN THEY HAVNT HAD ANYTHING HAPPEN BEFORE AND JACK STARTS DOING COMPRESSIONS ON HER BUT ITS NOT WORKING SHES STILL FLATLINING AND JACKS STILL PUMPING AWAY AND ITS JUST MAKING THIS SQUISHING NOISE OH GOD SO HE STOPS AND GOES TO CALL TIME OF DEATH BUT THERE ISNT EVEN A CLOCK UP OH WOW AND PICKETTS SCREAMING THEY DID THIS AND TOMS TRYING TO CALM HIM DOWN BUT HE STORMS OFF

AND PICKETT STORMS INTO SAWYERS CAGE AND HES LIKE WOAH TAKE IT EASY AND HIS HEART RATE MONITOR IS GOING OFF AND PICKETT THROWS HIM AGAINST KATES CAGE AND ASKS HER IF SHE LOVES HIM AND HE PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE AND ASKS IF SHE LOVES HIM AND HITS HIM AGAIN AND ASKS AGAIN AND SHE YELLS LEAVE HIM ALONE BUT HE JUST KEEPS HITTING HIM AND ASKING IF SHE LOVES HIM AND SHE HUGS SAWYER AND TELLS HIM TO STOP BUT HE HITS SAWYER FOR EVERY WORD OF THE QUESTION AND KATE SAYS SHE DOES
and he stops hitting him and marches off and they put Sawyer back in his cage and later Kate has realized that she can climb out the top of her cage because the bars are further apart and climb it she damn well does like she does trees one thing she does well is climbing shit and she tries to bash the lock off of the cage and he yells at her to run its every man for himself and his heartrate monitor goes off and he tells her if she loved him shed go and she says she just said that so Pickett would stop hitting him and she just goes and climbs back in her cage and says live together die alone wow that was a lot of episode title references she could have said something about hearts and minds or have seen a moth idk

and UH OH BENS BEEN WATCHING ALL THAT ON HIS HIDDEN PERVERT CAMS and Toms there helping him jerk off and asks if he should take Shepard back interesting how they refer to them by their last names but Ben wants him to sit with her a while longer and oh god theyve got him handcuffed to the table Colleens dead body is on and Juliet comes in and shes just a fertility doctor and Jack says she was dead before they put her on the table and she asks if hes saying that to make her feel better and he just laughs and says bluntly that he doesnt care about making her feel better and he asks her whos X-rays are those because they're spinal X-rays of a man about 40 years old and he has a very large tumor on his L4 vertebrae and he just happens to be a spinal surgeon so whos he here to save hmm and that morning Ben takes Sawyer for a walk up a hill and Sawyer asks him if its that little place he always wanted George and Bens like sorry and Sawyer asks dont you read its from Of Mice and Men and he says he'd like it puppies get killed woah NEDM and Sawyers asks if thats why they brought him up there to make this thing blow up his damn heart and Ben looks at him like he just sucked his dick and is like "lmao your hearts not going to blow up James you dumbass the only thing we put in you was doubt oh yeh and my dick when you were passed out" and he says the heart rate monitor is just that but nothing more and then he aww he brings out the number 8 bunny and says they gave him a sedative not a pacemaker lmao WHOOPS LOOKS LIKE YOU JUST GOT ADVANCED LEVEL OTHER TROLLED INTO OBLIVION UTTERLY DOMINATED and Sawyer punches him in his jew nose and the Others restrain him and Ben says thats not what he wanted to show him and they walk up the rise and OH SHIT ITS ANOHTER PIECE OF LAND OH SHIT THATS THE ISLAND THEIR ISLAND AND BEN SAYS THEYRE ON A SMALLER ISLAND ABOUT TWICE THE SIZE OF ALCATRAZ AND THERES NO WHERE TO RUN

awww shit and Sawyer says he did all this just to keep him in a cage and Ben says the only way to win a con mans respect is to con him well to be honest thats a pretty fucking shitty con its basically just coming up with bullshit Sawyers to ignorant to realize how dumb it is if they tried pulling that shit on Jack hed be like uhhhh no if I had a pacemaker youd be able to feel it through my skin Ben says hes pretty good but theyre a lot better and calls him Sawyer and then he says the funny thing is it wasnt when he told him about the pacemaker that kept him in line it was when he threated Kate and that he works so hard to make her think he doesnt care and that he doesnt need her but and then he regurgitates this massive quote "a guy goes nuts if he aint got nobody it dont make any difference who the guy is so long as hes with you I tell ya I tell ya a guy gets too lonely and he gets sick" what the hells he ta"its from Of Mice and Men dont you read?" lmao utterly dominated weakling

so the night before I watched this episode I was actually invited to a halloween party by my one friend in real life and when I went to it there were all these people my own age drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes and asking me what school I went to and if I'd watched big brother last night and after about five minutes of watching these beasts argue over stolen beers and making out like some sort of car crash of melding bodies I was like yep ok guys I'm leaving lmao and this one female was like no your so funny stay and I was like uhhhh in three hours Lost will air in america and I need to be home to watch it illegally on the internet sorry have to keep my virginity for another 30 years lmao speaking of virginity around this time I also got a certain Skype call I'll elaborate on later

LOST 3x05: The Cost of Living
black on black crime special edition
First viewed: November 1st 2006

this episode was pretty racist it opened in Ekos flashback to him and his brother proving once and for all that niggers are all dirty stealing thieves when little 10 y/o Eko steals some food for his brother whos this starving little niglet and this bitch nun catches them and she takes them to the shitty african villages church and tells Eko to confess to the priest but he says that Yemi was hungry and she says thats no excuse he has sinned and that hunger doesnt matter yeh maybe to God who doesnt need to eat wait hang on I've got something for him to eat my fucking dick anyway we unflashback and Sayids watching over him and asks what hapened to him and Charlie says before or after we saved him from the polar bear cave what the fuck does he mean we it was all Locke and Hurley says the man himself will want to know theyre back so they leave but Hurley tells Eko to stay alive aww and Eko has a flashback of the military assuming hes his brother hang on Will Smith time

now this is the story all about how
my life got flipped turned upside down (again)
and Id like to take a minute just sit right there
Ill tell you how I became the priest of a shitty little african village

on this airfield left for dead
on my ass where I spent most of my few seconds
freaking out mourning my brother not relaxing all uncool
and all gettin shot at by the military outside this little plane
when a couple of soldiers said are you ok father
started assuming I was the priest of my shitty village
I spoke with a few little militiamen and my altarboys mom got scared
and said they get our red cross vaccine in exchange for protection

I said I was not afraid of them the other day
but he got out his gun and shot this blind woman selling virgin mary statues
he gave me a threat and said hed be back for the vaccine on friday
I put my priest collar on and said I might aswell kick it

cute alter boys yo this is bad
drinking holy water out of the church basin
is this what the priests in shitty villages livin like
hmm this might be terrible!

these militiamen walked in and when they came near
he said he wouldnt take my life but hed take my hands
if anything I could say this guy was a fucking nigger spook
but I thought now forget it YO HOMES I JUST GRABBED YOUR MACHETE OH SHIT

I SLICED SOME NIGGERS ABOUT ONE AND TWO
AND I YELLED TO THE LEADER YO HOMES YOU DO NOT KNOW WHO I AM
LOOKED AT MY BLOOD SOAKED CLOTHES AND I WAS FINALLY THERE
TO SETTLE MY THRONE AS THE PRIEST OF THIS SHITTY VILLAGE WELL FOR ABOUT A DAY BEFORE I LEFT AND THEY BOARDED UP THE CHURCH AH FUCK
and the alter boy asks him if hes a bad man and he says only God knows or something and this woman tells him that he owes his brother one church lol guess thats why he tried to build one well yep thats pretty much it lmao holy shit that was the worst shit I've ever written in my life unlike the following yeh so Eko took his brothers identity as the village priest and these fucking gangster ass militia men thought they could roll on him like they did his puss ass brother but obv they didnt know who he was and he chopped them the fuck up wow black on black crime is pretty violent I mean he chopped one of their arms off and slit the other ones throat and hacked up their leader and then he just staggers out with his machete in one hand and a gun in the other blood all over his priest clothes and I just thought "woah I want THAT as an action figure" awesome and manly something else thats manly as dicks is Jack in his aquarium cell doing pull ups on that mechanism on the ceiling with the chains hanging down and it looks like its some sort of harness for sharks and Ben comes in and says theyre going for a walk and Jack asks him if it hurts does your neck hurt any numbness in your fingers and toes like pins and needles when your leg falls asleep but pertinent and Ben looks like he just got raped and Jack says he has a tumor on his spine an aggressive one thats going to kill him and he doesnt know when those X-rays were taken but unless they were VERY recent hes not going to be taking walks much longer and Ben tries to say he doesnt know what hes talking about and Jack just says oh my mistake and grins at him and then they go down to the beach where Colleens funeral is taking place and they have her on a small raft that they push out to sea and Pickett lights it on fire and Jacks watches this strange viking/hindu type ceremony

and later on Juliet comes in and asks him if he wants to guess whats for lunch and he says hes not big on mysteries lmao and hes like YOU PEOPLE HAVE CHEESEBURGERS?! yep thats what that screencap is of not Juliets massive bust and she claims she made it and the fries try rendering animal fat well Locke did and he made glue and she sits down on this table with her bare feet alarmingly close to Jacks dinner I'm pretty sure they have a McDonalds hatch that Hurley will find out get them all rescued when he eats the world supply of chicken mcnuggets and a team of spotty teenage minimum wagers are sent to restalk and Ben comes in and asks to be alone with Jack whos eating his burger om nom and Ben tells him he had a great plan to brake him to get invested and he asks if it ever occurred to Jack that Juliet bares a striking resemblance to his ex wife of coarse it didnt because hes gay duh dont you read my threads well YOU dont I'm talking to Ben but his plan got shot to sunshine when he saw his X-rays and then he asks him if he believes in god and Ben says two days after he found out he had a tumor on his spine a spinal surgeon fell out of the sky well how about that and later on Juliet claims to be putting on To Kill a Mocking bird on the TV behind the glass and she starts to tell him that shes sorry for bringing him here and all this but it was to save Ben whos a great man but

WOAH ITS A VIDEO OF HER IN HER HOUSE HOLDING UP CUE CARDS SAYING TO OH SHIT KILL BEN DURING THE SURGERY BUT SHES TELLING HIM TO SAVE BEN BUT ON THE CARDS ON THE TV SHES SAYING LIKE ITS OK ITS A COMPLICATED SURGERY BUT SHES SAYING DOING THE SURGERY IS THE RIGHT THING AND HE CAN TRUST HER BUT ON THE CARDS SHES SAYING BENS A LIER WTF SHES FUCKING REVERSE MEGA TROLLING HIM

I would make a gif of that where its Juliet showing me a child porn vid but then I'd get banned for posting a cp gif lmao holy shit I'm already at like 10000 characters better make this snappy well Eko woke up to see his fucking dead priest brother with a zippo lighter telling him to confess holy christ and then his fucking tent bursts into flames and Charlie pulls him out and when they turn around hes disappeared and in the morning Lockes talking to Sayid about getting their people back and he asks why Desmonds in this conversation and Des just says "that supposed to hurt my feelings?" rofl and he tells Sayid he thinks the comp in the hatch might have been able to cyber with other comps in other stations and Locke wants to go to the pearl to hacking the comp with their 1337 skillz and he assumes Ekos heading to the same place because his planes there with his dead brother and he sets out and he invites anyone to come its a free island and Nikki puts up her hand and says she wants to come and gets Paulo to go because hes always whining that hes never included its probably because hes a fucking dickhead and Eko wakes up in the jungle and OH SHIT THIS LITTLE BABY SMOKE MONSTER FLYS BEHIND HIM and cant walk well since a polar bear just bit his leg and scratched the shit out of him he sees WOAH FUCK THIS ZOMBIE NIGGER THROWS A MACHETE AT HIM AND THESE TWO ZOMBIE NIGS WITH MISSING LIMBS AND SLASHED NECKS AND SHIT GANG UP ON HIM AND THIS GUY IS LIKE NO MASSA DONT KILL ME MASSA AND HE TURNS INTO A LITTLE BOY WHO SAYS "GO FISH!" AND THEY ALL DISAPPEAR WOAH SOMEONES BEEN HUFFING TOO MUCH JENKEM

and then he goes to get a drink of water and OH SHIT HE SEES THIS CLOUDS REFLECTION IN THE WATER AND HE WHIPS AROUND AND THIS BIG BLACK SMOKE MONSTER SLIDES BACK INTO THE JUNGLE JESUS CHRIST and Locke comes out in front of him with Des Sayid and the beaner duo and they go to the plane and they open up the Pearl hatch and go down while Eko checks the plane but his brothers corpse is gone and Locke tells him he saw a beautiful white light but thats not what Eko saw and Locke hands him his brothers cross and goes down into the Pearl Nikkis watching the orientation VHS and Locke, Des and Sayid are trying to log onto their myspace accounts to check the flood of friends requests they must have by now but its not connecting and she asks whys there so many TVs and she says he says projects maybe these other TVs are meant to be connected to the other hatches and Lockes like oh wow Nikki good fucking idea you dumb beaner and Sayid trys putting in the different signals to the TV and then fucking Paulo comes out the bathroom and is like SO THE TOILET STILL WORKS LMAO IM A LAZY BEANER and then Sayid gets a picture of what looks like another computer room with a comp in the middle and

WOAH FUCK THIS GUY WITH AN EYE PATCH POPS UP INFRONT OF THE CAMERA AND PUTS HIS HAND OVER THE CAMERA AND LOCKES LIKE GUESS HELL BE EXPECTING US LOL

meanwhile Ekos seen his brother just walk out of the jungle and he followed him through it and past this big weird ass tree and into this field that looks graveyardy and his brother Yemi is just standing there and Eko hands him his cross and he asks him if hes ready and Eko says yeh and says "I ask for no forgiveness father for I have not sinned" woah fucking ace and Yemi lets go of his cross and Eko talks about how he killed a man to save his brother and that hes not sorry for it hes proud of it fuck yeah and he kneels before his brother and says he did his best with the life he was given and Yemi just says "YOU SPEAK TO ME AS IF I WERE YOUR BROTHER" and Eko demands to know who he is and he walks off and he yells WHO ARE YOU and he runs through this forest area yelling who are you and OH GOD THIS BABY SMOKE SCOUT FLYS BEHIND HIM and Eko hears it clicking anc clicking and he turns around raging and he turns back around and OH SHIT THERES THE SMOKE MONSTER AND ITS FUCKING MASSIVE AND IT REARS UP ON HIM AND HES LIKE "THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD I SHALL NOT WANT" HOLY SHIT HES FUCKING STANDING UP TO IT BUT ITS LIKE FUCK YOUR GOD AND IT FUCKING GRABS HIM WITH AN ELEPHANT TRUNK SHAPED TENTACLE AND MAKES THIS WEIRD CLICKING NOISE OH SHIT

AND IT SHOVES HIM AGAINST A TREE WITH ITS SMOKEY FIST AND DROPS HIM DOWN AND HOVERS DOWN AND GRABS HIS LEG AND EVERYONE IN THE PEARL HEARS IT ROARING AND HOWLING AND IT GRABS HIM IN A HAND OF BLACK SMOKE AND THRUSTS HIM AGAINST A TREE AND RAMS HIM AGAINST IT AGAIN

AND LIFTS HIM HIGH IN THE AIR AND OH GOD OH GOD IT SNARLS AT HIM AND SMASHES HIM AGAINST THE GROUND OH JESUS
and Locke runs up and its gone but Ekos laying there battered and he tries to tell Ekos hes ok and he whispers his final words to John as everyone else runs up

and oh wow he has a final flashback where his child self walks off into the distance hugging his little brother tossing a football oh jesus no eko oh god he died standing up to God not asking for forgiveness and he died standing up to that big black smoke monster and he died like a true priest thinking of little boys touching each other oh god I want to have a flashback to me hugging my sibling as a child when I die and then I want a flashback of me fucking her anyway Sayid asks Locke what he said and Locke says "WE'RE NEXT"

oh yeh and
<ROY4LE> Better make a gif
<ROY4LE> Starring whoever is the current worst poster online
<ROY4LE> With whoever is the current worst poster killing that monster

remind me to make that gif lmfao

LOST 3x06: I Do
teen angst special edition
First viewed: November 8th 2006


in one of the best scenes in this episode Jacks looking at Bens x-rays and blood work when he and Juliet comes in behind the fourth wall Jack tells him his tumors borderline inoperable and in about a week that boner line goes away and Ben is pissing himself and he says Ben needed to be in there yesterday and Ben says ok whatever you need its yours Im ready

and Jack says "no I think you miss understood me I didnt say I was gonna do it I JUST WANTED YOU TO UNDERSTAND HOW YOUR GONNA DIE... you think I trust you people you think I'm just going to do the surgery and HOPE THAT YOU LET ME GO?!!" and Juliet tries to flirt with him but it doesnt get past his iron wall of homosexuality and he throws the x-rays at the glass and they both give him their best Others glares like Juliets is a little bit smirky and a bit sexy and Bens is a little bit manipulative and a bit sexy lmao and he says hes very disappointed in Jacks desiccation and he says "well Ben at least you wont have to be disappointed for very long" WOAH ROLLED ON and this episode is actually a Kate episode and its all about this lovy dovy shit with Sawyer that I dont give a shit about because hes an unfunny faggot and shes outrageously unawesome as of lately unlike Jack whos going fucking irl hero to the max and these two faggots are theyre taken to the quarry place to fuck around with rocks some more when Pickett gets a call on the walky talky and he says theyre here and he tells the Others to get them on the ground and he asks if the doctor got out again and he yells HOW THE HELL DID SHE GET OVER HERE AND WOAH SHIT MATTHEW GETS PWNED IN HIS DIRTY OTHER BACK BY A FLYING ROCK AND ITS ALEX AND SHES GOT A SLINGSHOT WOAH ROCK ON BITCH AND SHE FIRES A ROCK AT THIS DUDES FACE FUCKING OWNED AND SHE TELLS SAWYER AND KATE TO GET UP AND PICKETTS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HOLY SHIT AND SHE SAYS SHE WANTS TO TALK TO BEN

AND HE TELLS HER THATS A GOOD IDEA AND TO PUT THE FUCKING SLINGSHOT DOWN AND SHE STARTS SCREAMING AT HIM WHAT DID HE DO TO HIM DANNY AND THEN THAT BIG FAT OTHER GRABS HER AND SHE TELLS KATE THEYLL KILL HER BOYFRIEND JUST LIKE THEY KILLED HERS
LMAO OH THATS IT THIS POST IS THE TEEN ANGST SPECIAL EDITION THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS I WISH THAT HAPPENED EVERY EPISODE ALEX AND HER ONE GIRL RAIDING PARTY ROLLING ON THE OTHERS FIRING ROCKS WITH HER SLINGSHOT ROFL
and the B-story in this episode is kind of like the Pearl team with a dead Eko and Locke says he'll go back to the camp to get some spades and Sayid goes with him and asks him what really killed Eko and he says they call it the monster and that he thinks maybe its what brought them there and Sayid just [face_plain]s him and they take a detour to get Ekos Jesus stick and when theyre burying him out there beacuse he says the people back at the beach have seen too many funerals lately

and theyre burying him the sunlights pouring in and Locke says he got his prayer stick because it didnt feel right to bury him without it aww and he thanks him for helping him find his faith again and he goes to nail the jesus stick in as a headstone when he reads "LIFT UP YOUR EYES AND LOOK NORTH JOHN 3:05" oh snap guess Locke will just keep going north until he hits the sea and swims to japan and comes back in a whaling boat with loads of hentai manga lmao back at the quarry or whatever Juliet is looking smirkalicious and she tells Kate to put this bag over her head but we know how much Kate doesnt like that bondage shit and Juliet tells her that Pickett with kill Sawyer and she can do something to stop that and Juliets just stating a fact but Kate takes it as a threat and she smirks the shit out of Kate as she bags up

and she takes her into Jack and theyre so happy to see each Other and Juliet leaves them alone and the first thing Kate does is try to reach of his dick good thing theyre behind that glass and she tells him theyre keeping her in a cage outside and he asks about Sawyer and she says hes in a cage too and he sounds like he just shit himself and he looks up at the security camera and hes like hey and he looks her up and asks if they hurt her aka raped her and she remembers Ben raping her while he sipped coffee at the breakfast table and starts crying and Jack doesnt know how to comfort her because hes totally gay and inept with women and he says its going to be alright but she says he has to do the operation they told him to do and hes looks at the camera and demands to know what they did to her to get her to ask him and she blurts out that THEYRE GOING TO KILL SAWYER AND JACK LOOKS LIKE HE JUST SAW HIS MOTHER GETTING LAST MEASURED OH NO NOT SAWYER HIS GAY BOYFRIEND SHIT NO LMAOS THIS TIME THIS IS DEADLY SERIOUS GUYS and she says he has to so theyll let them go and Jack says she believes them and she says she has to but he doesnt hes a man of goddamn fucking science and he doesnt believe in fuck all anything he uses reason fuck yeah science and she begs him to do it and he yells at the camera WERE DONE IN HERE HEY WHERE DONE IN HERE AND BENS SITTING AT HIS FUCKING MEGA TROLL MASTER CONTROL PANEL MONITOR SET UP FOR ADVANCED LEVEL OTHER TROLLS ONLY BUT JACKS A HERO AND HES STANDING UP TO THIS BIG MEAN OTHER TROLL HOLY SHIT THATS LIKE ME ON THE NET EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE and they take Kate back to her cage and she climbs out her cage and Sawyers telling her to get back in the cage and shes like shut up James ALRIGHT WE GET IT HIS REAL NAMES JAMES GIVE IT A FUCKING REST and she manages to brake Sawyers cages lock open with a rock and he brakes the news that theyre on a smaller different island just off the coast of their island and she kisses him because shes a whore and hes like what was that for shes like idk and he kisses her and spins her around and theyre making out and she goes to take her top off due to her being a whore and Sawyers like woah and whips his shirt off and woah shit she holds onto the bars and he feels her arms or some shit and OH MAN HE TAKES HER TOP OFF OH WOAH AND SHES HOLDING ONTO THE BARS MAYBE SHE IS INTO BONDAGE AFTER ALL HMM AND HE PICKS HER UP AND LIFTS HER AROUND AND THEY KISS TENDERLY AND OH MAN HE PUTS HER DOWN AND THEYRE GONNA FUCK OH SHIT IM GETTING MY DICK OUT IM GONNA JACK OFF OH SHIT THEYRE GONNA FU-whoops time for a shitty flashback

Kate is annoyingly cute in this flashback maybe shes always been its just now shes looking like a mini version of Frenchy all jungled up kind of like Alex a bit lmao her flashback is how she is a no good whore and she is in a hotel room when a cop knocks on her door and she instantly jumps his bones and turns out hes marrying her but he calls her Monica lmao he doesnt know she is a fugitive and hes a cop dumbass and once they get married she calls the marshal to tell him to stop chasing her just let her go hes like yeh ok if you can stay put which you wont and hes right Kate thinks shes pregnant due to the fact that shes a slut and she takes a pregnancy test and I dont think it was a Widmore labs pregnancy test like Suns was I guess Pennys fathers company made those anyway shes not pregnant and her husband actually got her plane tickets on Oceanic Airlines that requires a passport so she tells her husband shes a fugitive for blowing up her dad and hes like woah nf and whoops she drugged his juice what is it with Kate and drugging people anyway so she leaves him and keeps on running oh that Kate and her running dumb whore why couldnt she have been a badass serial killer fuck if I was writing this show she would have been and Shannon and Boone would be the only characters left at the end and they'd live on the island making bro/sis incest love forever

back on the island Kate and Sawyer are freshly fucked and he asks her about when Pickett was beating on him and she said she loved him that was just to get him to stop right and she is a tricky little minx she doesnt answer she just kisses him and Sawyer says he loves her too aww and Jacks in his cell thinking of Sawyers cock when he hears the crackling of his intercom and its Alex who tells him to try his door so he does and oh wow its unlocked and he sees another open door down the hall way and he creeps towards it peering around the corners ohhh shiiit he goes into Bens little secret troll observation room and he sees all these TV monitors and he walks into a side room and goes to open a door but OH SHIT ITS A LITTLE ARMORY and he gets a handgun and checks that its loaded and oh man this is a tense scene

he sees Sawyer and Kate cuddling in the cage and he just smiles to himself that theyre ok and then he gets a bit jealous of Kate who got to have Sawyers big long pulsating throbbing coOH SHIT BENS BEHIND HIM AND SAYS IF IT HELPS I WAS SURPRISED TOO IF I WERE A BETTING MAN I WOULD HAVE PICKED HER AND YO-SHUT UP AND BEN SAYS THIS WOULD BE THE PROVERBIAL NAIL IN HIS COFFIN AND JACK JUST SAYS TOMORROW BENS LIKE SORRY AND JACK SAYS TOMORROW MORNING FIRST THING AND HE SAYS HE WANTS EVERYTHING HE TALKED ABOUT THE INSTRUMENTS THE ANESTHESIA AND SOMEONE WHO CAN HOLD A DAMN CLAMP AND BEN LOOKS LIKE HE JUST CAME HIS PANTS AND IS TOTALLY TAKEN ABACK AND JACK SAYS HELL TAKE HIS TUMOR OUT AND KEEP HIM ALIVE BUT HE NEEDS HIS WORD HE NEEDS WHAT HE PROMISED HIM BEFORE... HE NEEDS TO GET THE HELL OFF THIS ISLAND... "DONE" NO JACK HES A JEW TROLL DONT DO IT NO so the next morning Bens face down on the table and ever manipulative asks Jack if he gets nervous but Jack doesnt bite his troll bait and says not anymore and Jacks putting his gloves on and Ben asks Juliet if Alex asked for him but she didnt they just took her home last night and he says whatever happens things sure will be different and Jack agrees and the nigger Other nurse anesthetics Ben up and Jack asks him to count back from 20 but he only gets to 18 and passes out and Jack asks for a scalpel and makes the first incision and up in the viewing booth Pickett and Jason roll out and Pickett says hes putting his life in the hands of one of them and Shepard wasnt even on Jacobs list and its pouring it down outside and he marches up to Sawyer and Kates saying he doesnt have to do this but he says theres nothing he can do about it and back in the OR Jack gets this weird scissor thing and opens Ben up further Bens heart rate is making a steady beeping and Jack holds him open for Juliet to swab and asks her for the clamp oh my god this is tense and he holds Ben open and gets this scalpel and he hesitates and cute at something inside Ben is that the tumor and the shit starts beeping oh christ has he fucked up

and Juliet asks if hes ok and this nigger anesthesiologist is like his blood pressures dropping SHOULD HE BE BLEEDING LIKE THAT? AND JACKS LIKE "NOPE NO HE SHOULDNT" AND LUMPS THAT NIGGER OUT FUCK YEAH AND BENS HEART RATE IS BEEPING LIKE CRAZY AND HE TELLS JULIET TO BACK THE FUCK AWAY AND JACK YELLS UP AT TOM IF HE CAN HEAR HIM AND TOM LOOKS LIKE HE JUST SAW JESUS POP OUT HIS ASS AND SUCK HIS DICK AND JACK SAYS "I JUST MADE A SMALL INCISION IN BENS KIDNEY SACK NOW IF I DONT STITCH THAT BACK UP IN THE NEXT HOUR HES DEAD... NOW GET IN HERE AND BRING THAT WALKY TALKY" OH SNAP FUCKING YES HOLY SHIT MOTHER ARESBENDING CHRIST FUCK YEAH SHIT YEAH FUCK BACK AT THE CAGES SAWYER JUMPS PICKETT AND HE SAYS IF HE DOESNT LET GO HELL KILL KATE TOO AND JASONS PINNING KATE DOWN AND SHE TELLS HIM NOT TO LET GO DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT SAWYER YOU FIGHT BUT HE DOES AND SHES LIKE NO GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF HIM AND HE KICKS SAWYER ON HIS KNEES AND SHES LIKE ILL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT ILL S YOUR D AND HES LIKE I WANT YOU TO WATCH THATS NOT WHAT SHE MEANT AND SAWYER JUST TELLS HER TO CLOSE YOUR EYES FRECKLES AND SHE ORDERS HIM TO STAND THE FUCK UP DO IT SAWYER YOU PUSSY GODDAMN IT AND SHES SCREAMING AT HIM NOT TO GIVE UP OH JESUS OH GOD NO NO AND PICKETTS LIKE THIS IS FOR COLLEEN YOU SON OF A BITCH OH GOD HES GOING TO SHOOT HIM HES GOING TO FUCKING KILL HIM AND HES JUST SITTING THERE WAITING FOR IT OH GOD HES GOING TO DIE "DANNY YOU THERE" OH SHIT ITS PICKETTS WALKY AND HE TELLS HIM TO GIVE HIS WALKY TO KATE AND HES LIKE WHY THE HELL WOULD I DO THAT AND TOM SAYS BECAUSE IF YOU DONT THE DOCTORS GOING TO LET BEN DIE AND BENS HEART RATE IS BEEPING LIKE CRAZY SO HE GIVES THE WALKY TO KATE AND JACK TELLS HER SHE HAS AN HOURS HEAD START BEFORE THEY COME AFTER HER AND HE ASKS HER IF SHE REMEMBERS THE STORY SHE TOLD ON THE DAY OF THE CRASH WHEN SHE WAS STITCHING HIM UP AND HE SCREAMS FOR HER TO ANSWER AND SHE SAYS SHE DOES AND HE TELLS HER WHEN SHE GETS SAFE TO RADIO HIM AND TELL HIM THAT STORY AND SHES LIKE JACK PLEASE WHERE ARE YOU AND HE SAYS IF HE DOESNT GET A CALL IN AN HOUR HELL KNOW SOMETHINGS WRONG AND BEN FUCKING DIES AND SHE SAYS SHE CANT LEAVE WITHOUT HIM AND JACK SAYS SHE IS NOW GO AND SHE SAYS SHE CANT AND HE SAYS GO AND KATE SAYS SHE CAAAANT AND JACK SAYS

KATE DAMMIT RUN!!!

wow what a fucking cliffhanger for three months for some reason some faggots in the fan community and the general retarded public didnt like those 6 episodes mostly due to the fact that they are faggots and I finished up a few little projects of mine I had finally finished my massive IGN profile after literally 6 months of work and then I realized I never fucking posted there anymore and I had also just finished editing my other project which was this epic skype convo I had recorded right so a few weeks ago roflbrothel and vitafin met up and this was the first time I talked on my mic and they were getting drunk and making signs and then they had sex with the mic still on and I was like holy shit and recored all this vitafin losing his virginity and roflbrothel proving what a classy bird she is and I spent fucking ages editing this like three hour recording into three youtube vidoeos and that was like the big news of the forum a year ago I'll have you know and I didnt remember right after wards I had to let the forum know what I just heard but I didnt know how to express it in a thread I mean most threads here are just a few words long but this just feeling of huge power came over me like your dads dick and I typed up the whole thing in a massive wall of text and I was amazed by my ability to just type huge fucking chunks of text and I knew if I didnt want to kill anyone who so much as looked at them I'd need to maybe like make some important parts bigger and different colored and the funny parts bold and this cute forum girl called fanfare was like oh tee hee thats a pretty good thread and I was like oh wow she is really cute so I made her a cute pic of her doing 9/11:
and then I thought hmm well she seems to like the frontpage I'll make a ytmnd about her heh so I made this http://wankfare.ytmnd.com yeh it seemed like a good idea a year ago and it was because she put it in her sig ok and I heard that she liked this cool thing called IRC so around mid December I downloaded this program and I got on this IRC channel called #wop and there were mean trolls like adair calling me a nerd and stuff like that it was pretty fucking cool and I heard of this show called Dexter about a serial killer who works for the Miami police I thought that sounded like the dumbest shit ever but I got on tv-links.co.uk and I watched some of it and I spent exactly this day last year christmas not with my family but in bed watching the entire first season of Dexter and holy shit it was awesome

it was about a guy whos just like me except I post on the internet all day not hunt down and slaughter murderers but its basically the exact same thing Dex is just like me he would rather sit at home on his comp cyber stalking and chatin with his hot sister than go out and socialize and get laid man oh man and then in January I watched Heroes on tv-links.co.uk oh man I hated this shit I mean how blatant can it be copying Lost it is pretty obv that NBC had an emergency jew meeting ok we basically just need to copy everything on Lost but we cant have an island I know lets make it about superheroes ok just copy and paste super powers onto Lost characters and uhh someone read Watchmen so we can learn how to tell a fucking story whoops noone did and the shows terrible shitty terrible characters that never evolve from anything other than the generic ensemble cast member lets have four dumbass cliffhangers every episode that have fuck all to do with the terrible plot oh man a mysterious conspiracy group "the company" that kidnaps the protagonists but they are sort of morally gray totally not the Others oh sorry is this faggot with the horned rimmed dick meant to be enigmatic like Henry Gale uh oh fails hmm two asians from asia and only one of them speaks english wow but Hiro just uses his dumb power to encourage more terrible writing and hmm oh wow a big black guy who doesnt speak for ages but when he does its really weird with a foreign nig accent sorry is this meant to be Eko oh lets have a heroin addict very edgy whoops Charlie got over that on Lost two years ago after five episodes oh wow some faggot who can see the future sorry Desmond did that uhhh not before this fuck you even the title is the shit watered down version of Lost and the opening title screen basically its an agonizingly shallow rip off of Lost and hmm I wonder if this is popular whoops it is wonder if anyone will give a shit after its first season whoops nope I mean this fucking RNA symbol hahaha am I meant to feel intelligible for spotting it or something is that meant to be like the numbers hmm one interesting character they actually had was Sylar and its just because I get boners for serial killers oh sorry is there meant to be a mysterious plot or something excuse me are you trying to actually have a well written narrative like Lost whoops utter failure get out lets fill in our shallow characters with our CGI budget that will keep the general public content loads of dumbass plot twists they dont have to give a seconds thought a load of cute camera tricks get out like Hiro is funny for about two episodes now fuck off back to Japan and read naruto you chink Jin could beat the shit out of Hiro hed throw a fishing net over him in his sleep and Hiro would blow the entire shows budget by pissing himself in bullet time but I guess it is pretty entertaining oh wow Sylars going to fight Peter and I cant wait to find out what the bomb is and whats up with future Hiro ok let me just watch this show forever lmao man I love Heroes it is so cool

so I just go back on irc to #wop and I am like oh hey fanfare you got a facebook heh and she is like yeh teehee and I am like holy shit she is so cute and save all her pix to my hd and I made a thread about it and when I wake up this next day to check my replies I am devastated to find evil muslim extremist forum user terror baby had declared jihad on that facebook page and fanfare refused to talk to me and I was clinically e-depressed for a week I was like oh man its all my fault how on earth can I win fanfares heart back some dumb sign just isnt going to cut it and the answer came to me when my gorgeous sister knocked on my door and told me about some anti-war rally she was going to and I went into ultra internet hero mode and I made an epic sign and I found the Israeli section of the march and got my sis to take a picture of me holding this

#wop woppin all night bro free palestine less than three fanfare
holy shit and I just knew I had to make a thread about that so I did I posted this mega thread that was like a review of my day and it got 0 replied and owned by mean forum posters I was about to kill myself for wasting my time until I saw this post:

Quote:
Originally Posted by fanfare View Post
ruby the forums would be lost without you please dont ever leave <3 i am here for you <3 i made this for you as a surprise 15000th post present



<3
THATS WHAT IM FUCKING TALKING ABOUT FUCK YEAH GOING ON PROTEST MARCHES AND STICKING IT TO THE MAN RIGHT UP HIS JEW NOSE AND THEN POSTING A FUCKING EPIC MEGA THREAD ABOUT IT AND WINNING THE HEART OF THE CUTEST FORUM GIRL ON THE WHOLE FORUM SHIT SON I was pumped as a dogs dick up your dads ass and what made it even better was that holy shit Lost was coming back but I had extra reason to be excited because you know I had noticed how sexy Juliets smirks were and I had been posting on this forum for about a year then and I liked these funny smiley things so I made a few smilies of Juliet and I thought hmm maybe I could make a few jokes about Lost maybe some CP jokes and then one day when the forum was dead I chatted to myself with Juliet and it was actually pretty fun and then she got her own account and I didnt remember making an alt and we started chattin on aim wait how do I chat with myself on aim am I going insane and then she starts giving me passwords to cp sites I dont know the passes for and you know when I chatted to her she was ok other than she could be a bit bitchy some times and tried to molest me and stuff so anyway when I heard this was a Juliet centric episode I was pumped loads of opportunities for epic smirks lmao

so I watched this episode on dailymotion right but something deep inside my like your dads dick was stirring tell me to make a thread about this what should the title be maybe "GENERIC RUBY LOST REVIEW THREAD" AND I MADE MY FIRST LOST THREAD HOLY SHIT and it was a pathetic little list of observations the most notable being the brainwashing film bares a striking to my ytmnd I made like a year ago http://jewsdid911.ytmnd.com pretty lame site tbh and I also commented on how I had visited http://mittelosbioscience.org and that it was way better than heroes shitty arg lmao they even tried and failed to rip off that too but seriously this first thread read like a ramen post and it was sadly deleted by hackers lmao but since I am not a lazy sack of shit let me review that episode again IN STYLE MOTHERFUCKER

LOST 3x07: Not in Portland
mpreg special edition
First viewed: February 8th 2007

so we open with Juliet sitting on the beach staring out to sea and shes upset about something maybe because Bens about to die and shes holding this bag thing and she gets up and goes inside I guess this is like where the Others live on the hydra island

HELLO THERES ETHAN oh it must be a flashback since hes fucking dead and she sits down beside a cancer ridden looking woman and she gets a syringe out and puts it into a little bottle of something and draws it out and this woman wakes up and she makes fun of her for falling asleep with candles and she tells her they dont have to do this any more and she says is she saying that because she doesnt think its going to work or because shes afraid he'll find out and she just tells her lift up her shirt and she injects her with this thing into her ovary looking area and she makes a funny squeaking noise and she is like some doctor you are and Juliet is like I'm not doing this as your doctor I'm doing this as your sister and she says she should come stay with her I guess at that little suburbia place on the main island but she says she likes living by the beach and Juliet says this is Miami everythings by the beach

OH SHIT THIS IS A JULIET FLASHBACK BEFORE SHE WAS ON THE ISLAND SHES IN FUCKING MIAMI AND WHEN WE COME OUT OF FLASHBACK JULIETS LISTENING TO JACK TELLING KATE SHE HAS AN HOURS HEAD START BEFORE THEY COME AFTER HER AND TO TAKE A WALKY AND SAWYER AND GO AND HE ASKS HER IF SHE REMEMBERS THE STORY SHE TOLD ON THE DAY OF THE CRASH WHEN SHE WAS STITCHING HIM UP AND SHE SAYS SHE DOES AND HE TELLS HER WHEN SHE GETS SAFE TO RADIO HIM AND TELL HIM THAT STORY AND SHE CANT LEAVE WITHOUT HIM AND JACK SAYS GO AND KATE SAYS SHE CAAAANT AND JACK SAYS KATE DAMMIT RUN!!!AND SAWYER GRABS PICKETTS GUN AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE FUCK YEAH SAWYER

AND KATE BASHES JASONS GUN AWAY WITH THE WALKY AND KICKS HIM IN THE CHEST AND WHACKS HIM IN THE FACE WITH THE WALKY FUCK YEAH KATE
BACK IN THE OPERATING THEATER TOM TELLS JULIET TO STOP THE BLEEDING AND STITCH BEN UP BUT JACK SAYS SHE CANT SHES NOT A SURGEON AND SHE SAYS HES RIGHTAND SAWYER PUNCHES PICKET IN HIS BROKEN NOSE YEH FUCK YOU PICKETT AND HE KNEES HIM IN THE STOMACH FUCK YEAH AND WHACKS HIM ON THE BACK AND SHOVES HIM IN THE CAGE AND KATE SAYS LETS GO

BUT HE DOESNT PICKETTS TRYING TO GET UP AND SAWYER GRABS HIM AND
HE FUCKING RAMS PICKETTS FAGGOT HEAD INTO THE BUTTON THREE TIMES AND IT SHOCKS THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE FALLS OVER SPAZZING OUT HAHAHHAA FUCK YOU PICKETT YOU FAGGOT AND THEY LOCK THEM IN THE CAGE AND LEG IT FUCK YEAHTOM ASKS JULIET WHAT SHE SUGGESTS THEY DO AND SHE TURNS TO IVAN THE NIGGER ANESTHESIOLOGIST GUY TO GO GET DANNY AND THEN FIND AUSTEN AND FORD AND BRING THEM BACK AND JACKS LIKE NO IF YOU DO THAT BEN DIES AND JULIET TELLS HIM TO GO AND JACK YELLS DO THEY THINK HES LYING DO THEY THINK THIS IS A FUCKING BLUFF

HE WILL LET HIM DI-
NO HE WONT JULIET SAYS HOLY SHIT SHES CALLING HIM OUT OH SHIT AND SHE TURNS TO IVAN AND TELLS HIM TO GO GET THEM BACK AND IF HE HAS TO... KILL THEM... we open in Juliets flashback where she has really terrible curly hair and she is very meek and feeble she has this sort of weird half smirk half nervous smile its like the anti smirk or something and she answers her cell phone and its someone saying she has an appointment with Dr. Alpert

then she walks into this lab and steals some vials but someone comes in and its some fag making out with a slut and Juliets hiding behind a table and OH LOL HER CELL PHONE RINGS and turns out shes his ex wife we find out she hates him when she goes to this pitch this pretty hot guy is making for Mittelos Bioscience and this guy looks like he has eyeliner on I swear and he says its because theyre privately funded hmm and Portland is where shell be working and he asks her IS IT TRUE THAT YOU SUCCESSFULLY IMPREGNATED A MALE FIELDMOUSE AND SHE SAYS WELL HE DIDNT CARRY TO TERM WHAT THE FUCK HOW CAN SHE MAKE A GUY PREGNANT AND THATS THE LINE THAT INSPIRED DOZENS OF LOST MPREG FANFICTION LMAO

and then he shows her some ultrasound images she says judging by the endometrium the woman was somewhere in her 70s but he says that she is actually 26 and she has complete freedom and money to find out why and she says she cant because her ex husband wouldnt allow it he says maybe they could do something he would respond to and she says he would respond to getting hit by a bus how about that that would work and runs off home to find her sister there and she tells her that her research works because shes pregnant oh wow and she shows her the pregnancy test idk if its a Widmore kind and she says all shes ever wanted is to have a baby and she can tell that bastard ex husband of hers what he can do with his ethics (shove them up his ass Im presuming) and so she does and hes on the phone telling someone that theyre insufferable and mean and its his fucking mother lmao and Juliet comes up just as hes going to cross the road and she tells him she got her sister pregnant and hes like oh thats cool and he steps off the sidewalk but he stops when she says she doesnt want to publish it with him and hes like well why are you concerned wHE GETS HIT BY A FUCKING BUS ROFLMAO

and when shes at the morgue crying Ethan comes up and offers her a tissue and shakes her hand while giving her his best rapist smile and Alpert comes up and she says she said he wanted him to get hit by a bus at their interview he says she cant blame herself lmao and she just asks him why hes there and hes trying to recruit her again and she asks if her sister can come but theyre too remote and shes like how remote can Portland be and hes like well were not quite in Portland well speaking of places not in Portland the island isnt in Portland and back there Juliet just told Jack that his friends arnt going to make it to their side of the island because theyre not on that island theyre on a smaller island just off the coast of it and Toms like fraid so Jack goes into the corner to think and Juliet says they can come up with a peaceful resolution to this and hes like oh yeh like you asking me to kill Ben on the operating table huh and shes like nuh uh I didnt and Jacks like yeh you did and theyre both yelling at Tom and hes like enough holy shit shut up Juliet get out if you cant fix Ben she tells Tom to not let Jack fool him because hed never let a patient just die and all this time Bens heart rate thing is beeping as hes slowly bleeding to death holy shit this is fucking intense and Ivan is out of his scrubs and runs to the cage Pickett and Jason (whos holding his head in his hands from where Kate hit him and he looks like hes about to cry) are locked in and he lets them out and Sawyer and Kate run out of the jungle to a beach and they see their island and Sawyer mocks why dont they just stop and ask for directions so she fucking does lol she radios Jack and he asks if shes ok and she says their fine and Sawyer says tell him I said hi get to the point lmao and Jack asks Tom how do they get off this island and

OH SHIT SOMEONES SHOOTING AT KATE AND THE RADIO GETS SHOT OUT OF HER HANDS AND ITS PICKETT AND THE TWO OTHERS AND THEY LEG IT INTO THE JUNGLE AND THEY OTHERS GIVE CASE HOLY SHIT AND SAWYER SHOOTS BACK AT THEM AND KATE FALLS OVER AND HE HELPS HER UP AND THE OTHERS ARE RIGHT BEHIND THEM SHOOTING AT THEM AND THEY HIDE BEHIND SOME TREES AND SAWYER SEES JASON AND TAKES A FEW SHOTS AT HIM BUT HE RUNS OUT OF AMMO BEFORE HE CAN HIT HIM AND HES ABOUT TO SHOOT KATE WHEN OH SHIT HE GETS HIT BY A ROCK AND

OH LOL ITS ALEX WITH HER SLINGSHOT FUCK YEAH BITCH AND THEY RUN THROUGH THE JUNGLE AND SHE LIFTS UP THIS LITTLE HOLE HIDING PLACE DITCH THING AND TELLS THEM TO GET IN AND THEY DO AND THEY HIDE FROM THE OTHERS AND THEY MISS THEN AND RUN OFF IN THE WRONG DIRECTION WOAH CLOSE CALL


and back in the operating room and Tom asks Jack in a very down to earth manner if that was true if Juliet really did ask him to kill Ben and Jack says yeah and in about 40 minutes shes about to get her wish and OH SHIT BEN WAKES UP AND HES LIKE "HEY... THATS NOT HELPING... ANYTHING" HOLY SHIT HE JUST WOKE UP MID SURGERY WITH HIS BACK CUT OPEN AND HES LIKE "NOW... COULD SOMEONE PLEASE... GET JULIET" LMAO Jack tells Ben he stopped the surgery and he says he knows he was able to hear them for a few minutes and thats very clever he should have seen it coming and when Juliet comes in Ben asks Jack if he could speak to Juliet alone and him and Tom go up to the observation room and Tom is like "I'm Tom btw" to Jack lmao I think his gay radar went off and hes trying to flirt with Jack but Jacks not in the mood for any hot Other cock right now and Toms like aww and he tells them those two down there have some history and Juliet comes out and asks Jack to go back in and finish the surgery because shes going to help his friends escape woah so Jack and Tom go back in and she goes into Bens little surveillance observation room and I'd make a gif of Juliet going in and looking at a lot of child porn but I'd get banned for a cp gif lmao and shes like "aww All" when she sees Alex with Sawyer and Kate walking through the jungle wtf why does she have a nickname for her I bet she molested her when she was a cute little Other loli wait she actually said aww hell never mind anyway Sawyer and Kate are with Alex and when they came out that hole Sawyer asks if this is her hobby digging holes and shes like "yeah and basket weaving want one?" lmao and she says she has a boat but her bf is being held prisoner and they go to this Hydra facility and theres this guy called Aldo reading A Brief History of Time making notations on the page about wormholes that look like dongs and hes interrupted when Alex walks up with Kate and Sawyer at empty gunpoint and tells him to open the door and he radios Pickett and he says Alex is there with Austen and For-

WOAH SAWYER TACKLES HIM AND GRABS HIS RIFFLE AND PICKETT IS RAGING HIS FACE OFF ON THE RADIO AND ALEX SMASHES IT AND SAWYERS LIKE DONT BLAME ME JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE DUMB ENOUGH TO FALL FOR THE OLD WOOKIE PRISONER GAG AND ALEX ASKS WHERE KARL IS AND THIS GUY IS LIKE OHH UHHH NO IDEA HEH AND KATE SAYS SHOOT HIM IN THE KNEE WOAH FUCK AND SAWYERS LIKE WHAT AND SHE SAYS THEY DONT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AND KATE GRABS THE GUN AND POINTS IT AT ALDOS KNEE AND HES LIKE HOLY SHIT HES IN ROOM 23 AND SHE KNOCKS HIM THE FUCK OUT WOAH I GUESS KATE IS PRETTY BADASS AFTER ALL AND SAWYER TELLS HER THAT WAS A DAMN GOOD CON BUT SHE SAYS THAT WAS A CON OH SNAP AND THEY GET TO ROOM 23 AND THEY HEAR THIS WEIRD DRUM AND BASE MUSIC AND THEY OPEN THE DOOR AND HOLY SHIT WATCH THIS

THERES THIS FUCKING SHOCK SITE LOUDTMND SCREAMER RAVE MUSIC BEING BLASTED OUT FROM THESE SPEAKERS WHAT THE FUCK AND SAWYER WALKS IN AND THERES THIS PROJECTION MOVIE PLAYING THIS LIKE FUCKING GIF SLIDESHOW RAPID IMAGE SHOCK SITE WITH GIANT SIZE 7 TEXT SAYING PLANT A GOOD SEED AND YOU WILL JOYFULLY FATHER FRUIT WHILE FLASHING PICTURES OF FLOWERS WHAT THE FUCK AND ITS FLASHING WEIRD SHAPES AND FLASHING PICTURES OF COINS WHILE SAYING EVERYTHING CHANGES AND FLASHES PICTURES OF RANDOM SHIT AND THIS THING THAT LOOKS LIKE A GODDAMN MESCABAN FRACTAL ANIMATION WOAH IM TRIPPING ALL OF TIME AND SPACE SIZED BALLS HERE ALL THE WHILE THIS EAR RAPE MUSIC IS SCREECHING AND THERES PICTURES OF DOLLS FACES AND THERES THIS IV SET UP GOING INTO SOMEONES ARM AND OH JESUS GOD ITS KARL AND HES GOT SOME FUCKING HYPNO RAVE GLASSES ON HES RAVING THE FUCK OUT AND TRIPPING MASSIVE BALLS OH SHIT HES STRAPPED TO THIS CHAIR BEING LAST MEASURED AND HES SPAZZING OUT AND THIS FUCKING LAST MEASURE BRAINWASHING FILM IS LIKE WE ARE THE CAUSES OF OUR OWN SUFFERING WHAT THE FUUUUCK AND ITS FLASHING MAGGOTS AND MOONS AND WEIRD PATTERS THIS IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE FROM THE HOOK AND ITS JUST FLASHING ALL THIS RANDOM SHIT AND ALL WHILE THIS CRAZY ASS RAVE MUSIC SHIT IS PLAYING AND KARLS LIKE WOAH FUCK IM RAVING THE FUCK OUT AHHHHH SHIIIIT AND ALEX TAKES OUT THE IV AND ITS FLASHING UP HUGE SIZE 7 TEXT GOD LOVES YOU AS HE LOVED JACOB AND SAWYERS LIKE WOAAAH MAN IM TRIPPING MASSIVE BALLS HERE IM ECAPS DNA EMIT YB DEVALSNE ERA SLOOF YLNO FREAKING OUT MAAAN AND THIS SCREECHING MUSIC IS LIKE HOLY SHIIIIIIT HUGE TEXT THINK ABOUT YOUR LIFE RANDOM SHOCK IMAGES P OWLS LP SQUIGGLY LINES ALVAR HANSO ELP MESCABAN FRACTAL ANIMATION HELP ITS KATE SCREAMING HELP AT SAWYER WHAT THE SHIT THEY TAKE KARL OUT THE CHAIR AND ITS FIREWORKS AND GERALD DEGROOT AND SAWYER TAKES KARL OUT AND SAYS THEY GOT HER BOYFRIEND BACK NOW WHERES HER DAMN BOAT WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THAT WAS ALMOST AS INTENSE AS ME INTERNETTING AT MACH SPEED 69 HOLY SHIT and Juliet tells Pickett whos slapping Aldo awake that theyre letting them go when they meet outside this building later on and he calls bullshit on Ben waking up and says he knows Ben would rather die than let them go and he storms off and Sawyer and Kate and Alex are taking out this outrigger canoe and they put Karl in it and he wakes up and says Danny and Sawyers like no goddamn it Sawyer I'm saving you dick face but OH FUCK HE MEANS PICKETTS RIGHT BEHIND HIM AND HES ABOUT TO SHOOT SAWYER AND KATE RUNS TO HIM AND SOMEONE YELLS "DANNY!"

OH SHIT ITS JULIET AND SHE SHOOTS PICKETT TO DEATH OH FUCK and Jacks working at taking out that tumor and Tom says he just doesnt like blood that much lol and Jack is kinda mean and takes out this sliver of tumor and says "well then you probably wont wanna be looking at that" and Tom turns around and looks like hes about to faint hahaha and then Jack asks him if they can leave the island why dont they just take him to a facility on the mainland and Tom says ever since the sky turned pu-

OH SHIT BLOODY SPRAYS OUT AND THE BEEPING GOES APESHIT TOMS LIKE WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED AND JACK TELLS HIM HE NICKED AN ARTERY AND HE SAYS ISNT THAT WHAT YOU ALREADY DID AND JACKS LIKE WELL THAT WAS ON PURPOSE AND HE CANT SEE THERES TOO MUCH BLOOD AND HE TELLS TOM TO GET OVER HERE OR BEN WILL DIE AND HE GETS TOM TO HOLD THE BLOOD SUCTION THING AND OH SHIT KATE COMES ON OVER THE WALKY AND JACK TELLS TOM TO GO GET THE WALKY AND HES LIKE WHAT ABOUT THE SURG-JUST DO IT AND HE GOES AND GETS THE WALKY AND HOLDS IT UP TO JACK WHILE HES PERFORMING FUCKING SPINAL SURGERY AND THE BEEPINGS GOING RAPID AS A DICK AND KATE TELLS HIM JULIET IS LETTING THEM GO ON A BOAT AND HE TELLS HER TO TELL HIM THE STORY HE TOLD HER ON THE BEACH AND TOMS LIKE DO YOU THINK THIS IS THE BEST TI-JACKS LIKE SHUT THE FUCK UP TOM AND HE DOES AND KATE TELLS HIM THAT STORY ABOUT HOW HE FUCKED UP A SURGERY AND GOT SCARED AND LET THE FEAR IN FOR FIVE SECONDS AND SAVED HER AND HE MAKES HER PROMISES THAT SHELL NEVER COME BACK FOR HIM OH GOD AND SHES BEGGING HIM TO TELL HER WHERE HE IS AND HE TELLS TOM TO PUT IT DOWN BUT HES LIKE OH WOW AND JACK LOOKS AT HIM AND HE PUTS IT DOWN ON KATE ASKING WHERE HE IS OH WOW so Kate and Sawyer sail off with Karl but Juliet tells Alex she has to stay here so she can molest her some more and because Ben will only let Karl live if she stays here and she goes up to the viewing room and asks Jack if he got the tumor out

and he says yeh theyll want to do a biopsy to make sure its not malignant and he says does he just go back to his cell now and she says until they figure out what to do with him and he just says they like Juliets not a part of them and he demands to know what he set to her to get him to help them and after some hesitation she says shes been on this island for three years two months and 28 days and he said if she let him live... he would finally let her go home

LOST 3x08: Flashes Before Your Eyes
time traveling scotsman special edition
First viewed: February 15th 2007

holy fucking shit this episode blew me away like your mom did last night and I made a thread about this one too but I cant remember it hang on woah fuck I'm having a lucid flashback and I'm making this thread let me just say woah shit a few times and say it was like final destination what a terrible thead I just made uh oh your dads dick hit me on the head and I'm back now too bad that thread was deleted by hackers too time to make this thread fucking epic so this episode starts with Hurley and Charlie raiding Sawyers stash good going he'll probably steal all the uhhh sand again Charlie says people need SHOCKING AMOUNTS OF PORNOGRAPHY LMAO HES GOT ALL OF SAWYERS PORN AND HE POPS A RELATIVELY MASSIVE BONER FOR A HOBBIT and Desmond comes in and tells them to come with him and Lockes saying the island killed Eko and Charlies like lol wut and Desmond looks like he just remembered something or hes just figured something out looking about like hes imagining a dick go up his ass and Hurleys like hey guys whats wrong with Desm-WOAH DESMOND RUNS OFF AND CHRIST HE CAN RUN HES BELTING THROUGH THE JUNGLE AND BURSTS ONTO THE BEACH AND HE RIPS HIS SHIRT OFF TO REVEAL HIS ROCK HARD ABS AND MANLY PECKS SORRY GOT A LITTLE GAY THERE

AND HE DIVES INTO THE WATER AND HE SWIMS OUT AND OH GOD THERES SOMEONE OUT THERE AND OH GOD ITS CLAIRE AND HE BRINGS HER BACK TO SHORE BUT SHES NOT BREATHING AND CHARLIES LIKE CLAIRE CLAIRE CLAIRE WHAT HAPPEEEEENED AND HE STARTS DOING CPR ON HER HER GIVES HER MOUTH TO MOUTH AND COME ON IT HAS TO WORK AND HES PUMPING AWAY AT HER CHEST AND YEH SHE COUGHS UP SEA WATER AND SHES OK AND CHARLIES LIKE OH HI CLAIRE CHARLIES HERE AND DESMONDS LIKE FUCK OFF HOBBIT BOY AND CHARLIES LIKE HOW DID YOU KNOW SHE WAS DROWNING AND HURLEYS LIKE... ILL TELL YOU HOW HE KNEW...
THAT GUY... SEES THE FUTURE DUDE
and later on Desmonds looking at that photo he has of him and Penny by a marina maybe before he set off on his boat race or something and Claire comes up and offers to suck his dick but Charlie comes up and demands that she feeds the baby guess she is breast feeding I bet Charlie jacks off while thinking of that so Charlie and Hurley want to find out if Desmond has super powers or not and Charlie has a plan but Hurley says Des will know about it before Charlie can come up with it and Charlies like we'll have to get him really bloody drunk and he gets some whiskey and when he offers it to Desmond who asks what kind it is and its a MacCutcheon whisky which makes him burst out almost literally ROFLing and he says yeh ok lets have it and Charlie offers him a cup and Desmonds like "nah the bottle brotha I mean if youve come to drink LETS DRINK" and he downs half this bottle and they get totally pissed and Charlie asks him how he knew Claire was drowning and how he knew lighting would hit her tent and he gets up and walks away

Charlie yells after him "oi you think you turned some key that makes you a hero? youre no hero brother I dont know how your doing it but I know a coward when I see one yeah a c-" DESMOND FUCKING TACKLES HIM AND STARTS CHOCKING HIM AND YELLING YOU DONT WANT TAE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME WHEN I TURNED THAT KEY AND HURLEYS LIKE DUDE YOU AND DES IS LIKE YOU DONT WANT TAE KNOW AND CHARLIES LIKE FUCK GET HIM OFF AND DES IS LIKE YOU DONT WANT TAE KNOW AND HE DOESNT FLASHBACK WE JUST ARE SHOWN THE COUNTDOWN TIMER HITTING 0 AND FLIPPING TO THE HIEROGLYPHS AND THAT MECHANICAL POWERING UP SOUND AND DESMOND GETS THE FAILSAFE KEY AND THE ALARMS GOING OFF SYSTEM FAILURE AND HE GOES UNDER THE COMPUTER ROOM AND TELLS LOCKE HELL SEE HIM IN ANOHTER LIFE BROTHA AND HE PUTS IN THE KEY AND EVERYTHINGS SHAKING AND HE SAYS HE LOVES PENNY AND TURNS THE KEY AND THERES WHITE LIGHT AND THIS TICKING NOISE AND FLASHES OF DES HOLDING LOCKE AT GUNPOINT TRYING TO FIX THE COMPUTER TALKING TO JACK DRUNK READING THE PRINTOUT LOG ABOUT TO KILL HIMSELF TURNING THE KEY AND THE FLASHBACK NOISE AND BAM HE OPENS HIS EYE...

AND HES LAYING IN A POOL OF RED ON A FLOOR IN A JUMPSUIT AND WHAT WH WHERE IS AND SOMEONE SAYS OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD AND DESMOND LOOKS OVER AND HES LAYING IN SPILT RED PAINT AND HES IN A HOUSE AND PENNY COMES UP AND ASKS IF HES ALRIGHT AND HE LOOKS AROUND LIKE WHAT JUST HAPPENED WAIT DID LIKE DID HE JUST LIKE TELEPORT THERE BUT HE ASKS IF THIS IS THEIR FLAT AND SHE SAYS HE MIGHT WANT TO CALL IT OUR FLAT IS THIS WHEN THEY JUST MOVED IN TOGETHER WHAT THE WH WH WHAT AND DESMONDS LOOKING DAZZED AS SHIT THIS THIS ISNT A FLASHBACK HE HE KNOWS SOMTHINGS HAPPENING HE HE WAS JUST TURNING THAT KEY BUT WELL PENNY TELLS HIM HE WAS DRINKING AND HE FELL OVER AND SHE ASKS HIM IF HES ALRIGHT AND HE SAYS HES JUST FINE AND KISSES HER WHWHWHHWHHHWHAAA
-so later on Desmonds getting dressed looking like hes just had a dream about sucking his dads dick and he looks over at the clock which says 1:08 and he hears that countdown button beeping and he looks over but its just the microwave and Penny gets whatever out of it and he goes to her dads office building and this delivery man says hes got a delivery for 815 and Des is like sorry and he repeats he has a delivery 4 8 15 DES HAS A FLASHBACK OF THOSE FIRST THREE NUMBERS GOING IN AND THE EXECUTE BUTTON AND THE TIMER RESETING SHIT and he goes up to Mr Widmores office and Des compliments him on his model boat and he says his company is sponsoring a solo race around the world DESMOND HAS FLASHES OF HIS BOAT IN THE STORM HIS BOAT IN THE COVE AND HIM KILLING KELVIN and Widmore is like have you been fucking huffing jenkem you daft prick but Widmore gives him a job but Des says he came there to ask for his daughters hand in marriage and Widmore gets some MacCutcheon whiskey and two glasses and he pours like a millimeter of it in one glass and he holds it up and says

"this swallow is worth more than you could make in a month... and to share it with you would be a waste because you Hume will never be a great man what your not is worth of drinking my whiskey how could you ever be worthy of my daughter?" and Desmond doesnt say "funny thing is your worthy of one swallow of my cum you bald cunt" he storms out onto the street and he hears someone playing the guitar and singing and he looks over and ITS CHARLIE and Des says he knows him I guess this is before Driveshaft made it big AND DESMOND REMEMBERS GETTING THE FAILSAFE KEY AND CHARLIE ASKING FOR HELP and Des says hes Charlie and hes like yeh names on the sign AND HE REMEMBERS KELVIN DRAGGING HIM THROUGH THE JUNGLE HIM DEAD TAKING HIS FAILSAFE KEY HIM RUNNING THROUGH THE JUNGLE THE HIEROGLYPHS THE SYSTEM FAILURE TRYING TO TIME IN THE NUMBERS WITH THE WALLS OF TEXT HITTING EXECUTE LOCKE SMASHING THE COMP and Desmond starts recalling all of Losts plot they were on an island and Charlies like yeh we are on an island mate this is england and Desmond rages at him because he forgot scotland and Charlie jokes this is why we dont do drugs haha oh you wait son and Des yells

NO I REMEMBER THIS ALL HAPPENED BEFORE T-T-TODAY TH-THIS HAPPENED TODAY TH I REMEMBER T YOU SAID I WASNT WORTHY AND THEN I THEN I CAME DOWN AND I T TOOK OF MY TIE AND THEN THE I LOST MY TIE AND PENNY SAID WHERE WAS IT AND THEN IT STARTED TO RAIN ANDCHRIST ON A BIKE IT STARTS TO RAIN OH FUCK HES HAVING A LUCID FLASHBACK and he goes to see his mate Dr. Mohinder Suresh and they go down the pub and he tells him what happens in the next 8 years of his life and Des just asks if its possible that hes gone back in time and hes living his life over again and his mate is calling bullshit but then Make Your Own Kind Of Music comes on the jukebox and Desmond remembers this night at the pub

and he points at the TV with a football match on and predicts the result but the match doesnt go how he said it would and he says Jimmy Lennon will walk in and hit the bar tender with a cricket bat because he owns him money but just two girls walk in and he is like fuck this time travel shit and goes to Buy a ring in this antiques store and this old woman shows him a shitty ring that he says he'll take but shes like uhhh no you wont and hes like wot and she says THIS IS WRONG YOU DONT BUY THE RING YOU HAVE SECOND THOUGHTS YOU WALK RIGHT OUT THAT DOOR YOU DONT BUY THE RING DESMOND AND HE ASKS HOW SHE KNOWS HIS NAME AND SHE SAYS SHE KNOWS HIS NAME AS WELL AS SHE KNOWS HE DOESNT ASK PENNY TO MARRY HIM IN FACT HE BRAKES HER HEART OF COARSE COMPELLING HIM TO ENTER THAT SAILING RACE WHICH BRINGS HIM TO THE ISLAND WHERE HE SPENDS THREE YEARS ENTERING NUMBERS INTO THE COMPUTER UNTIL HE IS FORCED TO TURN THAT FAILSAFE KEY AND IF YOU DONT DO THOSE THINGS DESMOND DAVID HUME EVERYSINGLE ONE OF US IS DEAD SO GIVE ME THAT SODDING RING!

and they go out and sit down in the street where she points out a man wearing red shoes and he thinks shes his subconscious WOAH THIS SCAFFOLDING COLLAPSES ON THAT DUDE WITH RED SHOES AND DESMOND KNOWS SHE KNEW THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN WHY DIDNT SHE DO ANYTHING AND SHE SAYS IF SHE WARNED HIM ABOUT THE SCAFFOLDING TOMORROW HED GET HIT BY A TAXI IF SHE WARNED HIM ABOUT THAT HED FALL IN THE SHOWER AND BRAKE HIS NECK THE UNIVERSE HAS A WAY OF COARSE CORRECTING THAT MAN WAS MEANT TO DIE THAT WAS HIS PATH AND DESMONDS PATH IS TO GO TO THE ISLAND NOT BECAUSE HE CHOOSES TO BUT BECAUSE HES SUPPOSED AND HE SYAS HES GOING TO MEET PENNY IN AN HOUR AND ASK HER TO MARRY HIM AND HE CAN CHOOSE WHATEVER HE WANTS AND SAYS PUSHING THAT BUTTON IS THE ONLY TRULY GRATE THING HE'LL EVER DO AND HE STANDS UP TO HER AND FATE AND ASKS HER HOW MUCH FOR THE RING AND SHE JUST WALKS OFF WHAT THE HELL and he walks past a recruitment poster for the army on the way to meet Penny near westminster bridge and this guy asks him if they want their pic taken and he pulls down a poster marina haha theyre right behind a famous land scape and theyre choosing some random marina it would be hilarious if he picked a tropical island scene and Des flashed the fuck out and he takes the pic and says instant classic for a fiver lol

and gives Desmond the pic and hes looking at it and remembers that he couldnt go through with it right now he couldnt go through with it and he tries to brake up with her but she slaps him and says if you want me to go then have the decency to admit your doing this because youre a coward and she walks off and he tosses the ring into the river Thames and he goes to the pub and he sees a bottle of MacCutcheons whisky and Make Your Own Kind Of Music comes on the jukebox and he looks over at the TV and WOAH THEY SCORED HE WAS RIGHT HE HAD THE WRONG NIGHT HE HEARD THE SONG HE REMEMBERS THIS HES NOT CRAZY HE CAN STILL CHANGE THINGS AND HE PAYS AND LEAVES TO CHANGE IT WHEN JIMMY LENNON STORMS IN WITH A CRICKET BAT YELLING WHERES HIS MONEY AND DESMOND RUNS TO THE BARTENDER ANDS LIKE HEY DUCK BROTHA AND HE DOES AND JIMMY SWINGS THE BAT AND HITS DESMOND AND HE GETS KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT

FLASH OF TURNING THE KEY WHITE LIGHT WAKING UP IN THE JUNGLE OH MY SHIT HES NAKED AND HE RUNS THROUGH THE JUNGLE AND FINDS ALL THIS SHIT LAYING ABOUT LIKE THE CYCLE AND THE DARTBOARD AND THE TABLE TENNIS AND HE LOOKS OVER AND THERES THIS BIG CRATER WITH THE HATCH IMPLODED IN IT AND HE SEES HIS PHOTO OF HIM AND PENNY AND HE PICKS IT UP AND HE SAYS PLEASE LET HIM GO BACK OH WOW HES LOOKING AT THIS PIC LET HIM GO BACK ONE MORE TIME HELL DO IT RIGHT THIS TIME HELL CHANGE IT

AND HES SITTING ON THE BEACH LOOKING AT THE PIC AND CHARLIES ASKING HIM HOW HE KNEW ABOUT CLAIRE AND THE LIGHTING AND CALLS HIM A COWARD AND DESMOND TACKLES HIM AND SAYS HE DOESNT WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM WHEN HE TURNED THAT KEY AND HURLEY DRAGS HIM OFF AND HES RANTING THAT YOU CANT CHANGE IT AND EVEN HURLEY THINKS HES CRAZY AND CHARLIE SAYS HES WANKERED AND TAKES HIM BACK TO HIS TENT
and Des says sorry for trying to strangle him and Charlie says sorry for calling him a coward and Charlie asks again what happened to him and Desmond says when he turned the key his life flashed before his eyes and he was back in the jungle but the flashes didnt stop and that he wasnt saving Claire he was saving Charlie who tried to save her and drowned and he was the one who got his by lighting hes tried to save him twice before but the universe has a way of coarse correcting and hes sorry but no matter what he tries to do... YAR GONNAE DIE CHARLIE

LOST 3x09: Stranger in a Strange Land
boring special edition
First viewed: February 22th 2007

so after watching this fucking boring episode I made a thread about it and that too was sadly deleted by evil hackers but this thread was the first almost mega thread I got some boring screencaps from lostmedia.com these images were 1260 pixels wide so now theyd brake the forums thanks to jons evil image censorship and this thread featured my first use of SIZE 7 TEXT when saying that Juliet had an upside down cross of scientology burned into her back and I made hilarious commentary such as "oh man a hot girl better pretend not to be gay oh hey bb wanna fly a kite yeh thats what straight guys do right lol" so since its gone let me just review this fucking episode again fuck yeah well actually not fuck yeah this episode was kind of like Fire+Water from last season fuck all anything happened and when it did it was stupid and or boring as fuck but of coarse that still made it better than anything ever so we see all these islands and I'm like wait is this no wait you're not getting me again with that Jack comes out of a hut and he goes onto the beach yep its not the island Jack goes over to set up his kite but he might be a world class surgeon but he cant put some sticks on a kite and this fucking asian slut laughs at him and hes like oh shit a girl better act straight and uhh fly a fucking kite

and she introduces herself as Achara what a dumbass name and she makes a dumbass grin like a girl ooble or sigge would have in their avatars like she is meant to be kawaii but Jack doesnt even notice hes too busy flying his faggot kite and they go to dinner and he thinks she might be a whore when a guy comes up and after muttering a generic asian greeting with a bow I'm pretty sure noone would do outside of a funeral he gives her an envelope and she stuffs it into her tiny purse and Jack doesnt imagine stuffing something into her other tiny purse hes like hmm are you a whore and she says she has a special gift I take it its sucking dicks because at night Jack is minding his own buisness jacking off in bed thinking of hot guys when she sneaks up on him and he is like uh oh time to act straight and she kisses him and he looks like he just got tazered and says her lips are salty lmao and she says she went swimmin in da ocean yeh an ocean of cum and when she rolls on her back her pushup bra is transparent and they apparently have sex and after that flashback Jack wakes up like hes had a nightmare about Lost getting canceled and it turns out he followed her through this seedy looking part of town completely ignoring all the hot polldancers and it turns out all she is is a tattoo artist but she says she is able to see who people truly are and that her work is not decoration but definition and he rages and makes her tell him who he is he is a leader and a great man but it makes him lonely and gay and then he forces her to tattoo it to his arm with this weird needle hammer thing that he probably got HIV from well there you go thats how Jack got his tattoos and the next morning hes coming out his hut and that kid just runs away and when he turns around the fucking Thailand faggot patrol roll up and hes like oh hey I'm Acharas friend heh wanna gay orgy and he checks his tats and Jacks like heh like my tats bro wanna suBUT HE PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE AND JACKS LIKE FUCK YOU CHINK AND GETS BACK UP AND BLOCKS THIS GUYS PUNCH AND LUMPS HIM OUT BUT THEN THIS GOOK GRABS HIM FROM BEHIND AND THEY ALL KICK AND PUNCH THE SHIT OUT OF HIM AND FALLS OVER AND THEY STAMP THE SHIT OUT OF HIM AND TELL HIM THEY DONT LIKE FAGS HERE AND HES TO GET OUT well that was a homophobic flashback and the main story wasnt much better we open in sort of the B-story where Sawyer and Kate are sailing and Kate starts arguing that they need to go back for Jack but Sawyer asks what do they think captain bunny killer will do to them once he catches them and Karl wakes up and says he'll kill them and that God loves you as he loved Jacob and Sawyers like ok thanks for the input rofl and they make camp and Kate calls Sawyer James again ok that god old in season 2 give it a fucking rest and Kate actually does something useful for a while and ASKS AN OTHER SOME QUESTIONS and she asks Karl if that island they were on where his people live and he says thats just where they work on projects and Sawyers like oh sure like the steal the kid off the raft project that was a humdinger and she asks him if they live on this island and hes like yes ma'am and she tentatively asks what they did with the people that they took and he says they give them a better life than theirs and then he starts whining about how him and Alex used to lay in his back yard and make up names for the stars or something

and the next morning they wake up and Karls gone and they hear him crying so Sawyer goes to have a boys only man to man talk with him which he instigates by PUNCHING HIM IN THE ARM SO HE WOULD "COWBOY UP" CRYING IN THE JUNGLE I THOUGHT YOU PEOPLE WERE MEANT TO BE TOUGH lmao and Sawyers calls him Bobby you know The Brady Bunch and Karl just asks what the hell is The Brady Bunch lmao guess they dont get much reruns there and then he gives him a man to man chat about girls and he tells him to go back to wherever their yards are and get Alex back and atleast it will be worth it if they kill him and lets him go blah blah segway blah blah Jack is back in his cell when Tom comes and says theyre moving him and theres a great little exchange here

and I think theres some sexual tension between these two but Jack thinks theyre going to kill him like when they tell the jews theyre going for a shower but they all know its time to get gassed and Tom asks him what kind of people does he think they are and he says oh I dont know Tom the kind of people that would take a pregnant woman would hang Charlie from a tree would drag our people out of the jungle would kidnap children thats the kind of people he thinks they are and Tom looks miffed and he goes over to the glass wall and is like see this glass house you're living in Jack how about I get you some stoooones how about you do and he throws a stone through his glass house and into yours you faggot and when they take him out he passes Juliet I thought Jack was checking out her ass but he was looking at her handcuffs and this old cow looks him up and down

and he looks in and sees Juliets been put in his cell and they have that thumping sound effect that makes that scene out to be a big revelation or something and they put him in Sawyers cage and I'm really sorry about this small sliver of text between these two screencaps but nothing notable happened in this episode at all Tom brings Jack a sammich and he remarks that Juliet grilled them for him lmao and Jack asks who that woman was and Tom says thats the sheriff and Jacks like lol you have a fucking sheriff thats retarded and Tom says well not literally damn it and he tells Jack to not try anything stupid while hes in there

and Jack says YOU SAY THAT LIKE YOUR NOT WATCHING ME FROM THAT CAMERA RIGHT THERE haha fucking owned and Tom lols and that night Jack is getting bored in his cage and he pushes the food button and it says WARNING and he backs the fuck up and looks around and then he carefully pushes it again and it says WARNING so he actually gets the picture and doesnt fucking push it again and then Juliet comes out and says she was let out to examine Ben and she took a polaroid of his stitches and theyre infected but he refuses to look at him and Juliet asks him as a personal favor and he says hes not going to help him or her and later that night the sheriff lady comes up and stats reading Jacks tattoos and says the 5 and the stars are very cute but the chinese is a bit ironic and hes like whats ironic and she says what it says and hes like oh you do know what it says and Jacks like yeh d/c

and she takes him to this shitty office and they pass Alex on the way and the sheriff calls her sweatheart what is she the like anti-Juliet and she has this no so much as a smirk but like a cocky grin thats about as sexy as dieing of AIDS and she wants Jack to help her clear up what shes investigating and she grins at Juliet and she smirks right back and they have a little glance war and she asks Jack if its true that he said Juliet asked him to kill Ben and Jack just grins and says no he was lying and turning them against each other and shes asks him why hes lying for her and he just says he wants to go back to his cage now and theres that cut to black thump effect like thats a massive deal well the massive deal is that sheriff is a fucking bitch and Jack wakes up in his cage in the morning highly distressed form his flashback about having heterosexual sex for once in his life and THERES ALL THESE RANDOM PEOPLE STANDING OUTSIDE HIS CAGE STARING AT HIM AND JACKS LIKE "WHAT"

AND WOAH ITS CINDY THE AIRHOSTESS FROM FLIGHT 815 AND JACK RECOGNIZES HER AND SAYS HE THOUGHT SHE WAS TAKEN FROM THE TAIL SECTION SURVIVORS AND SHE SAYS ITS NOT THAT SIMPLE THEYRE HERE TO WATCH AND THAT LITTLE GIRL FROM THE TAIL SECTION HOLY SHIT SHE ASKS CINDY HOW ANA-LUCIA IS DOING LMAO SHES FUCKIN DEAD AND JACKS FREAKS OUT AND IS LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME ARE YOU SERIOUS IF YOUVE GOT SOMETHING TO WATCH CINDY THEN GO WATCH IT GO AHHHH AND EVERYONES LIKE WOAH SHIT AND WALKS OFF AND THIS LITTLE BOY WITH THE TEDDY BEAR IS LIKE HEY DONT YELL AT MY SIS
what the fuck was up with that is Cindy an Other now or something is that what they do capture people and like indoctrinate them and a while later Alex knocks out the cameras with some rocks just thrown by hand no slingshot and she asks Jack why she saved her father and he wants her to answer one of his questions and he asks where Juliet is and she says there going to read her verdict that theyre really strict about killing one of their own an eye for an eye that she killed the guy who was going to murder his friends and he says that he saved her father because he said he would and then he asks if Bens still in charge if the sheriff will do what he says and she says yeh and he tells her to get him out of that cage and theres that thumping sound effect like its a big deal wow this episode sucks

Jack walks in on Ivan the dumbass nigger nurse with a massive syringe about to inject Bens fucked up infected stiches and Jack just walks up and says he wouldnt do that and shoves him away lmao and he says hed be much more impressed with the Others if they had a decent surgeon and Ben says they did his name was Ethan lmao yeh right Ethan couldnt even fix Juliets pluming literally the dumbass and Jack just tells him how serious his infection is that he might have nerve damage and he could never walk again and Ben talks shit about his bed side manner haha yeh it is terrible and Jacks like yeh too bad you're stuck with me and he says Juliets about to get executed and he has to stop it but he says she doesnt care about him and Jack obv doesnt care bout her because hes gay and he and he writes a note down that Jack and Alex take to this court room place and Tom opens the door and sees Jack and freaks out and Jack sees Juliet and she somehow doesnt Smirk they probably raided her hd and found all her cp and the sheriff comes out and Alex gives her Bens note and it says Juliets sentence has been commuted but he has ordered her to be marked good going Jack maybe you should have read the note first

and later on Juliet comes limping out looking like shit bringing Jack a sammich that is actually grilled and he says he missed the toothpicks too I thought maybe they were like part of Bens elaborate mindgame to see if hed try to pick a lock with them but I guess not and he wants to see her mark so she lifts up her shirt and on her lower back theres like this brand of WOAH IS THAT AN UPSIDE DOWN CROSS OF SCIENTOLOGY WTF and he gets her to get some aloe plant branch and he tends to this wound and she asks him why he helped her and he says Ben told her she would let her go home and he told him the same thing and they were going to make sure he kept his word together good to know theres no romance here and I'm 100% in thinking that Jacks gay and Juliet says theyre going to move and they cant stay here because his people know here it is and Jack asks where and shey says Ben calls it home so that evening Bens on a stretcher getting lifted onto this row boat and the sheriff cow comes up and reads Jacks tattoos to him "he walks amongst us but he is not one of us" and tells him thats what they say and he just says "thats what they say thats not what they mean" dominated and they row out to this trawler-like boat and boat to the mail island

and there is a little teen romance thing where Karl looks up at the stars and so is Alex and Juliet is standing in front of the boat and Jack comes around and I laughed thinking they did that titanic thing where he holds her out or something but they dont she just smirks at him and Jack doesnt get a boner the end they dont even do that thump effect for Lost since this episode was so boring

LOST 3x10: Tricia Tanaka Is Dead
beer run special edition
First viewed: March 1st 2007

right after I saw this episode I made another generic ruby review thread and this was the first one that might be considered mega with proper use of image and giant text it clocked in at around 5000 characters but this thread was also sadly Lost to evil hackers so I will review it again this episode was like the opposite of Maternity Leave which was like the girls only episode when three girls did girly stuff like discover hatches well this episode was like the guys episode all about drinking bear and fixing cars well if I havnt said this episode enough this episode opens this episode episode opens in Hurleys flashback where Shambala by Three Dog Night is playing on the stereo and WOAH HURLEY WAS SKINNY AS A KID and him and his dad are fixing up this car but they need a new carburetor and his dad says they should try it anyway and of coarse it doesnt work and his dad tells him that having hope is never stupid and that you have to make your own luck and then his dad leaves him and his mother but before that he gives him a candy bar and Hurleys like but mom said I would get fat and his dad tells him to live a little and 17 years later Hurley is so fucking fat that when he won the lottery he literally bought a fast food restaurant and it was the one that he worked at and he is now Randys boss and he actually looks pretty happy about it guess he didnt like working management thats pretty nice but Hurley is depressed and hes being interviewed by the reporter from Family Guy Tricia Tanaka for the local news and she is actually pretty hot idk but she is raged because Hurley gives a shitty interview about how his grandfather died and his friend Johny ran off with his girlfriend Starla lmao and Tricia Tanaka always gets the fluff pieces and she goes inside the Mr. Clucks to get some interior shots and Hurley is like you sure this is ok Randy and he is like sure but then they hear something whistling and

HOLY FUCKING SHIT A FUCKING METEOR HITS THE MR.CLUCKS AND KILLS TRICIA TANAKA AND HER CAMERA MAN LMFAO so he goes home to his fucking bling mansion where his mom lives with him and he wants to go to Australia because his crazy friend said thats where the numbers came from or something but his mom introduces him to oh lol his dads back and says "woah your mom wasnt joking about those candy bars hahahah just kidding" but Hurley isnt cool with it and thinks hes just back to leach off of Hurleys money and there is a pretty funny scene where is mom says that she "has needs" and she covers this little statue of jesuses ears lmao

and his dad tries to take him to a psychic and I was like oh man she is reading the numbers from him and says there is a curse this is as scary as when Claire met that psychic but turns out his dad just bribed her to make him think she could lift his curse lmao and Hurley goes to Australia anyway but before he leaves dad tells him he can give the money away if he wants his dad will be there for him when he gets back oh man I bet he is still waiting or like Hurley is now legally dead and his dad inherited all his money and spent it all on buying a life times supply of lasagna rofl well the island story opens with Hurley telling someone about all the shitty stuff thats happened recently oh man I bet he is going to say something funny oh wait hes talking to oh wow Libbys grave and he says he misses her and lays down a flower for her wow oh man and you can see Locke still has his little jenkem huffing shack in Ekos half built church and he goes to see Charlie whos shaving and is being depressed because Desmond told him he was gonnae die brotha and Hurley tells him hes cursed and that death finds him and just then Vincent fucking runs out with WOAH FUCK THE DOGS GOT A SKELETON ARM THATS HOLDING SOME KEYS

AND HURLEYS LIKE IF IM NOT BACK IN THREE HOURS TELL SOMEBODY LOL AND HE RUNS AFTER VINCENT AND HE LEADS HIM TO THIS WOAH A FUCKING VOLKSWAGEN HIPPY VAN
back at the beach Paulo is whining his beaner ass off because they are out of DHARMA oat bars and Nikki looks like she just got raped at starts franticly searching for more and Sun asks Jin to pass her some cereal in english and he looks at her like shes high on jenkem and she say she will speak to him in english so he learns it and hes like uh how about no and then Hurley runs up like hey everyone and Paulos like woah is it the Others haha fucking dumbass but Hurley tells them he found a car and they can fix it up and Paulos like where on a fucking deserted island why the fuck do we need a car and Hurley says it would be fun but noone gives a shit and walks off and Nikki was about to volunteer but Paulo pulls her back by her wasteband lmao and the only one left is Jin because he has no idea what Hurleys on about but hes still game for a laugh meanwhile Sawyer and Kate are walking back to camp and she calls him James again holy shit shut the fuck up about that already but he steps on a fucking dart for no reason and Kate pulls it out without counting to three and they have a heart to heart discussion about how Sawyer used to live in a trailer with one TV channel and he would watch Little House on the Prairie and when they get back to camp everyone crowds around them and Locke was just flirting with Sun when she sees them and he goes up and pats Sawyer on the shoulder and Kate has an extra long hug with Nikki and Hurley and Jin are investigating this van and they see a corpse inside the drivers seat called Roger Workman
and Jin thinks they can open the back and when they do woah its filled with beer awesome "dude... Roger was on a beer run" and then Jin manages to communicate that they should take him out and roll the van over but when they pull out the corpse his head falls off lmao and back at the beach Desmond putting up a tarp for his tent where do they even get all these tarps from the plane crash or something anyway Charlie bothers him about when hes going to die when Sawyer marches up raging about his stolen stash again I guess he will have to con everyone out of their tarps and hes asking where his books food and pornos and a bottle of scotch and Desmonds like oh yeh sorry mate and Sawyer fucking rages at him because he doesnt understand that it is a great honor to have someone steal and drink your scotch in Scotland but fair play there was three of them and Sawyer demands to know who else and they grass up Hurley so he goes to find him with Jin trying to pry up this van and Sawyers like where the hells my stuff what the fuck are yall doing

and Hurleys just like DUDE YOURE ALIVE AND HUGS THE SHIT OUT OF HIM AWWW SO SWEET and Jin hugs him too and says "good... see you" and he says Kates with him but they still got Jack and Hurley says its ok because things are getting better they have a car and hes back and he convinces Sawyer to help them overturn the van because theres beer inside and Vincents still hanging around and tries to jump in but Sawyers like me first goddamn it give me beer and theres a bunch of old papers in the back of the van and he finds this map and says those DHARMA freaks were building a dirt road hmm and he goes to pick up the beer when he sees Rogers head and hes like woah jesus christ what the fucks this head doing back here and Hurleys like oh thats just Roger lmao

and him and Jin are looking at the engine and its all overgrown with vines and rusted and Jin doesnt think it looks good but Hurleys going to start it anyway so Sawyer takes out the beer in case the van explodes but it doesnt even start up and Sawyer puts Rogers head back on and cracks open a beer and Hurley says that beers been there since Rocky III maybe even Rocky II lmao but Sawyer says Skeletor seems to like it bottoms up lmao and taps the can against his skull and Hurley doesnt think thats cool his name was Roger Workman and he had a family but Sawyers like its Work Man blockhead thats his job he was a DHARMA janitor and Jin says no fix because the engine wont start and its all fucked and later on Sawyer teaches Jin some manly english words like beer and car and international house of pancakes while pointing at Hurley praying to baby jesus for help rofl and Sawyer throws him a little help aka a can of beer and he misses totally and it rolls down this massive big steep hill leading to a big field so Hurley goes to get Charlie and slaps him and says he could use a victory so lets get one dude lets get this car started lets look death in the face and say "whatever man" lets make our own luck woah epic

back at the van Sawyer is teaching Jin more english like "I'm sorry" and "you were right" and "those pants dont make you look fat" only three things a woman needs to hear hahaha and then Hurley rolls up and says they have work to do and Sawyers like whats your problem Jumbotron and Hurleys like SHUT UP! ...RED... NECK... MAN!! and Sawyers like TOUCHE utterly dominated and Hurley just sort of grabs him and they all push the van out of the jungle to the top of this hill and Vincent, Charlie, Jin, Hurley and Sawyer all look down this massive hill woah I just used some commas and Hurleys plan is that they push it down the hill and he jumpstarts it and Sawyer thinks he'll just crash into some big rocks at the bottom but Hurley claims to know how to drive and Charlie wants to ride shotgun victory or death and he yells back PUSH AND THEY DO OH SHIT THEY GO ROLLING DOWN THIS HILL HOLY SHIT THEYRE GETTING CLOSE TO THESE BIG ROCKS AND THEYRE BUMPING UP AND DOWN ALONG THIS HUGE HILL AND CHARLIES LIKE WOAH OK DO IT NOW BUT HE DOESNT AND THEYRE RACING AT THESE BIG ROCKS HOLY SHIT

OH FUCK THEYRE GONNA CRASH OH SHIT AND CHARLIES LIKE NOW GODDAMN IT AHHHH THEYRE ABOUT TO HIT THEM OH CHRIST AND HURLEYS LIKE THERE IS SO CURSE MAKE YOUR OWN LUCK OH GOD ABOUT TO CRASH MAKE YOUR OWN LUCK AHHHH SHIT THEYRE GONNA DIE FUCK THERE IS NO CURSE AHHHHH SLOW-MO OH SHIIIIIT HE POPS THE CLUTCH AND THE CASSETTE PLAYER COMES ON WITH SHAMBALA HOLY SHIT AND THEY SWERVE OUT OF THE WAY AT THE LAST SECOND AND DRIVE AROUND THE ROCKS AND THROUGH SOME BUSHES AND INTO THIS FIELD AND SAWYERS LIKE SON OF A BITCH AND JINS LIKE HURLEY WOOHOO AND THEY RUN DOWN TO THE VAN AND THEY ALL GET IN EVEN THE FUCKING DOG HOLY SHIT

AND THEYRE LIKE WOOHOO LOST PARTY VAN FUCK YEAH
man oh man goodtimes goodtimes and Hurley stays to ride around in the van all night while the other guys go back to camp and Jin gives sun a little flower and Charlie hangs out with Claire and tells her all about his day and Sawyer looks about for Kate to drink this massive crate of beer with but he just has to sit on his own getting drunk because Kate went straight to Sayid and Locke since theyre the only guys who ever do anything interesting and there was a scene where they are walking along the beach and you see all the other survivors like carrying logs and making tents and Sayid asks her why Jack said they shouldnt go back for him and she says he sacrificed him so he wouldnt want it to be for nothing and he syas Hurley told them they let Micheal and Walt go in a boat and she doesnt think they gave away their only one and they have The Elizabeth that was lost thanks to Sayids terrible tactical plans and Locke asks if they can leave the island and HOLY SHIT KATES LOOKING CUTE AGAIN jesus that was jarring she washed her face for once and tied her hair back and bam cute as uhhh your mom anyway she says he doesnt know and Sayid asks if that zoo they held them in if thats where they live and she says they escaped with one of them a kid named Karl and he said they lived on this island but Sawyer let him go and she says she doesnt care what Jack said shes going to go get help and that night Locke and Sayid follow her out to the jungle and ask her why they didnt ask them for help and she says they dont know where to look and theyre not motivated why would they want to go on another trek and risk more lives just for Jack and Locke says shes wrong and she goes to ask then why didnt he come after them but he says she was just wrong about the motivated part not the knowing where the look part but he says they have a compass baring now and Sayids like yeh sure because of the way the sunlight hit Mr. Ekos stick when they were burying him and oh shit they get shot at and its not subtle shooting like a tree randomly explodes and Charlie asks Hurley if theyre getting shot at its like BAM BAM BAM bullets wizzing passed and Locke gets out his handgun and Sayid readys his riffle I guess they only have those two guns that Sayid brought with him on the boat but maybe Sawyer still had a few anyway Kate calls out not to shoot and says theyre just there to talk

WOAH FRENCHY COMES OUT LONG TIME NO SEE and Kate asks her for her help in finding the Others home and she doesnt give a shit but Kate tells her that they had her captive and she couldnt have escaped without the help of a 16 year old girl called Alex and shes pretty sure that shes her daughter

LOST 3x11: Enter 77
NEDM special edition
First viewed: March 8th 2007

I thoroughly enjoyed this episode even more than usual because it had almost everything I love about Lost in it:
  • a flashback about something cool like torture
  • a hilarious B-story
  • shit blowing up
  • information about shit
  • badass fight scenes
  • awesome shoot outs
  • fucking around with computers
  • finding hatches and shit
  • Others up to their usual deception antics

only thing this episode didnt have was incest lmao and it introduced a pretty rad nemesises

so thats why the thread for that episode was pretty mega including a few simple gifs and hilarious cat related image macros and that thread was no doubt actually saved from deletion by evil hackers when I lead a crack team of forum warriors to run interference against these devilish invaders and that historic thread can still be seen safe in the forums archive to this day I thought while making these threads that maybe once I got to this point I wouldnt have to review these episodes since I already had the original threads still there but then I realized they were fucking shit so I guess fuck it I'll review it again fuck yeah

well this brilliant episode opens with the B-story where the survivors found the ping pong table Hurley and Sawyer have a big show down and HURLEY SERVES TO HIS LEFT AND SAWYER RETURNS IT BUT THEN HURLEY WHACKS IT OFF TO THE RIGHT AT LIGHT SPEED AND SAWYER GETS DOMINATED

so he loses and Hurley gives him some of his porno back lmao I bet Sawyer will read SEX ON THE NET THE HOTTEST WEB SITES and try to log onto the coconut internet rofl and the flashback was about how Sayid lived in France where he apparently didnt learn any fucking French and this guy locks him up and hes going to fuck Sayid up if he doesnt confess to pouring boiling oil over his wives hands holy shit

so Sayids been chained to a grill in a pantry in Paris and he tried to claim that he didnt know this woman and she comes in with her cat stroking it like Ernst Blofeld and she tells him about how she was scared to leave her apartment until one day SHE SAW SOME KIDS PUTTING THIS CAT IN A BOX AND THROWING FIRECRACKERS IN WOAH NEDM AND SHE COULD HEAR IT HOWLING FROM THREE STORIES ABOVE HOLY FUCKING SHIT NELM NOT EVEN LOST MUSIC and then she had a reason to leave her apartment and she wont NEDM him because she is above that so the moral of the story is NEDM is mean and we learn that again on the island where theyve been walking north for two days and he hears a fucking cow bell yeh he doesnt in fact need more cow bell and he follows this noise and WHAT THE SHIT ITS A COW AND SOMEONE WHISTLES FOR IT AND THERES THIS FUCKING HOUSE FARM BARN BUILDING WITH A HUGE SATELIGHT DISH ON TOP AND OH SHIT ITS THE GUY IN THE EYEPATCH WHO REFUSED TO POOP ON CAM AT THE PEARL so Sayids plan is to just walk up and ask him who he is and Frenchys like yeh fuck that shit and fucks off and Sayid sees this fucking cat staring at him and it looks deadly fucking serious

SAYID GETS FUCKING SHOT IN THE ARM AND LOCKE HAS TO HOLD KATE BACK AND THIS GUY WITH THE EYEPATCH STARTS SCREAMING ABOUT HOW THEY HAD A DEAL THIS IS HIS LAND AND SAYID TELLS HIM HES NOT WHO HE THINKS HE IS HE WAS ON A PLANE THAT CRASHED THERE MONTHS AGO AND HE TELLS HIM TO STAY FUCKING THERE AND HE COMES OUT AND LOCKE THINKS HES PLAYING GODDAMN COUNTER STRIKE AND RUNS UP LIKE RUSH A RUSH A AND LOCKE STARTS FUCKING SHOOTING AT THE GROUND AND HOLY SHIT KATES IN SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS MODE TODAY SHE FUCKING SHOOTS THE SHIT OUT OF THE GROUND AT THIS GUYS FEET JESUS LORD WOMAN CALM DOWN

AND THIS GUYS LIKE HOLY FUCKING SHIT IM WALKING THERE STOP SHOOTING THAT AND LOCKES LIKE DROP THE RIFFLE AND HE DOES AND HE TELLS HIM TO BACK THE FUCK UP AND LOCKE GOES IN TO CHECK ITS OK AND HE SAYS HIS NAME IS MAKHAIL BAKUNIN AND HE IS THE LAST SURVIVING MEMBER OF THE DHARMA INITIATIVE HOLY SHIIIIIIT
and he helps Kate bring Sayid inside and he says he can fix his arm and Kate looks around this kitchen and theres a freezer full of huge chunks of cow meat hmmm you could make cheeseburgers with that hmmm and this Makhail guy says he was in the Soviet Army and saw a newspaper add asking "would you like to save the world?" and he joined DHARMA and since he liked computers and being alone kinda like me they put him out at that station called The Flame thats TO COMMUNICATE WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD OF COARSE and Locke rushes straight to the computer room because hes a huge fucking nerd and this fucking NES sound effect asks him if hes READY TO PLAY? Y/N and Locke gets this look on his face like I FUCKING LIVE FOR THIS SHIT TIME TO PLAY SOME COMPUTER GAMES YEAH and Makhail is telling Sayid about how the rest of the DHARMA initiative were all killed by the Hostiles in the Purge and he cauterizes some tweezers with this weird ass lighter that has a green flame while he says that he didnt get involved and the Hostiles left him alone and the communications equipment hasnt functioned in years and the Hostiles were there a long before the DHARMA initiative while he pulls out his bullet from Sayids arm

Locke is playing this fucking chess game but he failed terribly and its like checkmate you lose and Mikhail comes in and tells him that hes been trying to beat that computer for 10 years and it cheats and Locke tells him that hes played a lot of computers because he doesnt even have friends on the internet to play games with and hes sure they dont know how to cheat thats what makes being human so distinctly wonderful and Kate says it doesnt make any sense and Sayid says it makes perfect sense THE REASON THEY LET HIM STAY THERE IS BECAUSE HE IS NOT DHARMA... HE IS ONE OF THEM and then Mikhail comes back with some iced tea and Sayid asks if any cables run into the sea and Mikhail says theres an underwater beacon for a submarine that the Hostiles probably have now and Sayid says thats how they captured their sailboat and Mikhail says its a shame a little cockily and Sayid adds well atleast they were able to kill one of them and Mikhail looks expectingly at him and what follows is probably one of the best fight scenes in Lost I actually made a pretty badass gif of me and siburke fighting over fanfare out of this scene but I didnt make that until a few weeks after this episode and I'm not a lazy sack of shit who posts year old content but here is a link to that gay siburke vs ruby gif lmao anyway hes like "why do we continue to play this little game when we all know that it has moved to the next stage" HE THROWS THIS MUG OF ICED TEA AT SAYID AND HE DUCKS OUT THE WAY AND THEN MIKHAIL KICKS HIM OVER THE SOFA AND HE FUCKING BACKHANDS KATE AND HE FLOATS OVER IN LIKE BOXING STANCE TO SAYID WHOS GETTING UP AND HITS HIM IN THE BULLET WOUND OH DAMN AND HOPS UP AND DOWN AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE HEAD AND JABS IN THE FACE OH SHIIIIIIIT

AND SAYIDS LIKE FUCK YOU TOO AND ELBOWS HIM IN THE SIDE AND WHACKS HIM IN THE FACE AND OH SHIT KICKS HIM INTO A WALL AND MIKHAIL TACKLES SAYID BUT HE GRABS HIM AND FLIPS HIM OVER INTO A FUCKING CHAIR FUCK YEAH AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE WHEN HE TRIES TO STAND UP AND MIKHAIL STILL TRIES TO STAND BUT THEN KATE POPS UP WITH A RIFFLE ON HIM AND GRINS AS SHE KICKS HIM IN THE FACE OH SNAP SON AND LOCKE COMES OUT OF THE COMPUTER ROOM WAVING HIS HANDGUN AROUND LIKE OH HI GUYS WHAT DID I MISS I WAS JUST PLAYIN COMPUTER GAMES LMAO
so they tie him up and Sayid lifts up that rug the cat was scratching and woah its a little hatch basement thing and him and Kate go down there while Locke is meant to be watching Mikhail but the computer starts saying beep boop beep boop your move and he starts playing chess again and later on I made a pretty hilarious gif of this scene about the time I last measured forums user I am John Locke before he was deleted by max for calling him a kike lmao but off of the internet Locke is still a dumbass and he plays this game of chess and hes like fuck you hacking computer and he turns on his aimbot and fucking wins and the comp is like YOU WIN AND LOCKE LOOKS LIKE THIS IS THE MOST HES ACHIEVED IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE BUT WOAH FUCK MARVIN CANDLE POPS UP ON HIS COMP SCREEN SAYING MANUAL OVERRIDE ACHIEVED AND LOCKE PISSES HIMSELF LIKE HE JUST GOT OWNED BY A SCREAMER YTMND AND THIS VID OF MARVIN CANDLE SAYS FOR A PALLET DROP WITH EXTRA DHARMA RANCH DRESSING ENTER 2 4 FOR STATION UPLINK TO SHARE YOUR HENTAI COLLECTION ENTER 3 2 FOR MAINLAND COMMUNICATION TO DOWNLOAD MORE CHILD PORN ENTER 3 8 AND LOCKE QUIVERS BEHIND HIS KEYBOARD AND IS HARDLY ABLE TO ENTER 3 8 TO HEAR THE NEWS THAT THE SATELLITE DISH IS INOPERABLE AND COMMUNICATIONS ARE DOWN FOR SONAR ACCESS TO CHAT WITH FISHES ENTER 5 6 BUT THE SONARS FUCKED TOO AND THIS VID PROMPTS HAS THERE BEEN AN INCURSION ON THIS STATION BY THE HOSTILES IF SO ENTER 7 7 AND LOCKES ABOUT TO DO THAT DO IT WHAT IF IT LIKE CALLS FOR HELP SOMEHO-

OH FUCK MIKHAIL COMES UP BEHIND HIM WITH A KNIFE AND LOCKE CANT INTERNET FAST ENOUGH I WOULD HAVE TOTALLY BEEN ABLE TO ENTER 7 7 AND HACK THAT FAGGOTS MYSPACE WITH ONE HAND WHILE I GRAPPLE THAT KNIFE AT MY THROAT WITH THE OTHER THAT IS A TYPICAL DAY FOR ME WHEN I NEED TO FLIRT WITH FANFARE ON IRC AND MY CAT IS SCRATCHING MY CHEST WOAH FUUUUUCK
meanwhile Kate and Sayid are down this storage cellar place and its got C4 explosives wired to the ceiling and Sayid finds all these DHARMA instruction binders and Kates checking this clothes rack and EEEEK SOMEONE LEAPS ON HER AND KATE FALLS OVER AND HER RIFFLE GOES SCATTERING AND SHE ROLLS TO THE SIDE AND ELBOWS THIS PERSON OFF OF HER AND GOES FOR HER WEAPON BUT THIS FUCKING NIGGER CRAWLS UP HER AND DRAGS HER BACK AND SHES REACHING FOR HER RIFFLE AND THIS COON GRABS HER BY THE HAIR AND SLAMS HER HEAD INTO THE GROUND OH SNAP AND GRABS HER RIFFLE BUT SAYIDS RIGHT THERE AND HAS HER AT GUNPOINT OH FUCK ITS BEA KLUGH AND KATE FUCKING PUNCHES HER IN THE FACE FUCK YEAH AND HITS HER AGAIN AND YELLS THAT SHE WAS THERE AT THE DOCKS AND SHE KNOWS WHERE JACK IS

AND THEY GO OUTSIDE AND OH SHIT MIKHAILS THERE WITH LOCKE AT GUNPOINT AND SAYID AND KATE HAVE MS KLUGH AT RIFLE POINT AND MIKHAIL TELLS THEM ITS SIMPLE SEND HER OVER TO HIM AND HE WILL RELEASE HIM AND THEY CAN GO THEIR SEPARATE WAYS BUT LOCKE SAYS NOT TO LISTEN TO HIM IF HE WAS GOING TO KILL ME ID BE DEAD ALREADY AND MIKHAILS LIKE SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND SAYIDS LIKE LISTEN TO ME BUT LOCKES LIKE DONT LET HER GO AND MIKHAILS LIKE ILL FUCKING EXECUTE YOU BUT LOCKE SAYS HES NOT GONNA DO IT AND SAYID TELLS HIM TO BE QUIET AND LOCKE SAYS HES THE ONLY THING KEEPING HIM ALIVE AND MIKHAILS LIKE I SWEAR TO YOU ILL FUCKING KILL YOU AND SAYIDS LIKE CALM DOWN EVERYONE AND MS KLUGH IS LIKE mихаил yы знаешь что делать AND MIKHAIL IS LIKE У нас есть ещё выход AND LOCKES LIKE SAYID OH SHIT AND HES LIKE ILL HANDLE IT SHUT UP BALDY AND MS KLUGH IS LIKE mы не можем рисковать tы знаешь условия KATES LIKE UHHH JOHN AND MIKHAIL IS LIKE eсть другой выход AND MS KLUGH IS LIKE oни взяли нас mы не дадим им пройти на территорию AND LOCKES LIKE JESUS CHRIST DONT LET HER TALK TO HIM AND SAYIDS LIKE AHHHH SHIIIT AND SHES LIKE tы знаешь что делать Это приказ AND MIKHAILS LIKE У нас всё ещё есть выход! AND SAYIDS LIKE SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SHES LIKE JUST DO IT MIKHAIL AND HE SHOVES LOCKE AWAY AND POINTS THE GUN AT HER AND SAYS Прости меня AND SHOOTS HER DEAD AND KATES LIKE JESUS CHRIST AND MIKHAIL RAISES THE GUN TO KILL HIMSELF AND SAYIDS LIKE JOOOOHN SHIIIIT AND LOCKE GRABS THE GUN AND IT GOES OFF JUST ABOVE HIS HEAD AND MIKHAIL GRAPPLES HIM AND IS LIKE FUCK YOU AND HEADBUTTS THE SHIT OUT OF HIM AND SAYIDS LIKE FUCK YOU TOO AND SMACKS HIM WITH THE BUTT OF HIS RIFFLE AND MIKHAILS LIKE FINNISH IT KILL ME BUT SAYID DOESNT HOLY SHIT THAT WAS INTENSE

later on Kates packing up some shit and Lockes back at the comp being asked to enter 7 7 if theres an incursion by the Hostiles and Sayid calls out Frenchy and tells her they have a ticket to where the Others live and find her daughter and Jack and finally a way home but Mikhail tells him theres nothing they could do to him to make him lead them there but Sayid just pulls out this cabling map he found that has the electrical pipes running from there to this place called The Barracks lmao owned and Locke says he played that silly chess game again and he tells Mikhail that he realizes why he didnt want him to beat it because hes a fucking n0OH SHIT THE FLAME STATION FUCKING BLOWS UP CHRIST ON A BIKE THERES THIS HUGE EXPLOSION OH JESUS LOCKE SET OFF THE SELF DESTRUCT AND THE C4 BLEW UP THE BARN HOUSE AND PROBABLY THE CAT OH LORD AND SAYIDS LIKE DAMN IT JOHN THAT PLACE WAS OUR ONE HOPE WITH COMMUNICATION WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD AND LOCKE WAS LIKE SORRY I AM A 1337 GAMER

AND SAYID SEES THIS CAT AND ITS LIKE ME CUTE KITTY ME ESCAPE EXPLODING STATION ME NO LIEK NEDM


LOST 3x12: Par Avion
sister special edition
First viewed: March 15th 2007

my original review of this thread is also safe in the forums archives but for now dont read this review about this episode which opens in Claires flashback which was kind of distressing where theres this weird yet familiar ticking noise and she wakes up to find oh man shes been in a car crash and her hairs black and she cant open the door oh wow she has to crawl through this whole in the windscreen and oh jesus her mums laying there holy shit and her mums in a coma and her bitch of an aunt thinks its her fault and gives her shit for going home to wash the glass out of her hair and someones paying her mothers medical bills for her

and out turns out to be WOAH WOAH WOAH CHRISTIAN SHEPARD IS CLAIRES FATHER THAT MEANS THAT SHE IS JACKS HALF-SISTER WOAH WOAH WOAH if only Jack wasnt gay and had hooked up with Claire then I would have an unlimited suply of incest jokes fuck I guess thats who he went to see with Ana-Lucia when he went to Australia before he died thats pretty weird Claire ended up on the same plane as her fathers corpse and he says that he actually like sang to her and came to visit her when she was young but her mother didnt like that he had another family and he tries to talk Claire into taking her mum off of life support but she refuses and rejects him and like a while later when she is natural blonde again pregnant she is still visiting her mum in her coma

and there is actually a really really touching scene where Claire and her mum are watching nature shows about birds and she tells her that shes pregnant but shes going to LA to give it away and she doesnt know how she did it raising her on her own and then she says shes sorry for saying that she hated her mum and wished she was dead and the car crash was her fault oh man oh man I was about to cry then ok I admit it and on the island she wakes up to Charlie stealing her baby and giving her like mysterious island fruit in bed and they are about to go for a picnic together when Desmond turns up and starts bothering Charlie that maybe he should go hunting with him instead and he gets the hint that hes going to choke to death on mysterious island fruit today or something but then Claire sees some fucking birds and is like "I think I know how to get us off this island" well turns out her plan is actually the best plan for anything I have ever heard in my life she enlists Sun and Jins help in catching these sea gulls because they are tagged to track their migratory patterns so they can attach a note to them and when they are picked up to get retagged someone might get their message holy shit so they set up this football goal looking trap with bait in it to catch a gull and Jins really into it and he manages to say some english like "yes work" and "uhhh Sun uhh please help" and he counts this net trap thing down in english like "one... two" but

OH SHIT SOME SHOTS GO OFF AND THE BIRDS FLY AWAY AND JINS LIKE WOAH SHIT BUT ITS JUST DESMOND AND JINS LIKE YAAAAAH NUH NUN CONCHUNA! lmao and Claires onto Desmond and Charlie because he was like overly d/cing with her plan and she goes to see Charlie and like brakes up with him again but she follows Desmond and hes going straight to one of those tagged birds and he just sort of picks it up and it doesnt seem to care it just looks around like oh lol wuts going on guys and he (Des not the bird) explains to Claire all about his flashes of the future and how he saw Charlie trying to get a bird here and falling into the water and braking his neck and she makes up with Charlie because hes like doomed to die and they write this note and Charlie checks it for spelling errors rofl

oh wow its really touching let me just copy and paste it from my old thread:
To whom it may concern: We are survivors of Oceanic Flight 815. We have survived on this island for 80 days. We were six hours into the flight when the pilot said we were off course and turned back toward Fiji. We hit turbulence and crashed. We've been waiting here all this time--waiting for rescue that has not come. We do not know where we are. We only know you have not found us. We've done our best to live on this island. Some of us have come to accept we may never leave it. Not all of us have survived since the crash. But there is new life, too, and with it, there is hope. We are alive. Please don't give up on us. it is actually not pretty gay if you ask me oh man and they tie this note to one of these birds legs and throw it away

and this flock of birds flys off actually north not uhhh wherever Claire said they were going speaking of north Sayid is checking his map and Locke thinks that his Jesus Stick directions were more cool and they lead them to that station and Sayids like oh yeh the one you blew up jackass and Lockes like well maybe you should have told me it was rigged witn C4 sand nig and Kate just asks Mikhail why he doesnt tell them if theyre going the right way and he just deadpans yeh they are going in the right way lool and Lockes like remind me why were keeping him alive and Sayid says what do you suggest we just shoot him like a dog and Lockes like no I like dogs lmfao

and they set out to this Barracks place and Kate asks Frenchy why she doesnt ask her more about her daughter and she gives the example of if the Others had Jack for 16 years and she knew he wouldnt remember her or even know she ever cared and she says she doesnt want to know about her daughter oh man and then when they are walking along Kate asks Mikhail how he got to the island and he starts giving her literally his lives story and shes like d/c and he says he got there by submarine and Locke perks up and she asks if they can just come and go if they please and he says they can come but two weeks ago their underwater beacon was disabled by an EMP hmm I wonder what makes finding that island so fucking hard and Kates like why would you want to come back and he says she wouldnt understand and Kate gets all up in his fucking face and hes like oh sorry I misspoke you are not capable of understanding because you are not on the list and he goes on a rant about the man who brought his people there and how he is magnificent and Kates like oh yeh Bens a fucking faggot and shes in like artemis troll mode right now and Mikhails like not Ben you dumb bitch and then he says that theyre not on the List because they are flawed and looks at Kate and looks at Locke and says they are angry and looks back at Sayid and says they are weak and frightened that reminds me of ROY4Ls ratings like you are not on the list because you are a novice level weakling and Sayid just says the more he knows about his people the less omniscient they appear and Mikhails like oh yeh I dont know you Sayid Jarrah and Kate Austen lol but you John Locke I have a fleeting memory of and he just kind of smiles at Mikhail and he says the John Locke I knew was paral-oh shit but then Frenchy sees something and they all come out to this field where WHAT THE FUCK THESE LIKE PYLON THINGS ALL IN A ROW LIKE BIG METAL POSTS WITH WEIRD BELLS ON THE SIDE THESE LOOK FUCKING RETARDED and Kate tries to fucking run up to one of them and Sayids like goddamn it you dumb bitch and pulls her back and Sayid thinks its security perimeter and those sensors on the side would trigger if anyone passed between than and set off an alarm or trap and Mikhail says hes right but it hasnt worked in years like everything else on that island and theres no going around they encircle the Barracks and Sayid checks his map just to make sure

AND LOCKE GRABS MIKHAIL AND SHOVES HIM BETWEEN TWO OF THESE RETARDED LOOKING PYLON THINGS AND HOLY SHIT THIS FUCKING HIGH PITCHED BUZZ THING COMES ON AND MIKHAIL STOPS IN HIS TRACKS AND THIS FUCKING HUMMING NOISE IS RIPPING THROUGH MY EARS AND HES LIKE THANK YOU AND THIS FUCKING SQUEALING SOUND GOES APESHIT OH GOD YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS

ITS WORSE THAN THOSE 3500HZ SQUARE WAVE SHOCK YTMNDS OH GOD HE STARTS FOAMING AT THE MOUTH AND HES SPAZZING OUT AS THIS HUMMING SCREECHING SOUND TEARS THROUGH HIM

AND BLOODS DRIBBLING OUT HIS EARS AND HE FALLS BACK FLAILING ABOUT AND FUCKING DIES HOLY SHIT THESE THINGS ARE FUCKING AWESOME AND
LOCKES LIKE PARDON ME FOR NOT KNOWING THEY HAD A... A... SONIC.... WEAPON... FENCE...
and Sayid asks him why hes really there and hes like uhhh to save Jack lol and he asks how theyre going through that thing and Kate says theyre going over it and she needs the axe and its in Lockes pack and when Sayid checks it he finds this big block of fucking C4 and hes like I thought you didnt know there was C4 and Lockes like well you never know when a little C4 will come in handy rofl so they cut down this tree and hang it over one of the posts and Sayid says the pylons seem to fire a sonic pulse that gives you a fucking brain hemorrhage if you walk between them and Frenchies like why not just use the plastic explosive you took and Lockes like yeh ok be my guest go stick it on there and shes like uhhh yeh no thanks and Kate goes first since she fucking rules at climbing trees and she sort of rides this log in a sexual fashion up to the pylon tip and everyones fucking staring at her ass and Lockes like awww yeh the fucking pervert and Kate edges over this pylon thing making sure not to touch it or get her knees beside it and when she gets over she looks back tentatively and she swings down and drops down and ohhh shit shes fine and right then I thought like Mikhail was going to pop up and grab her or something and get her riffle and like idk Sayid would have to run through this fucking sonic fence thing and get deafened

but Kate bends down and pokes at Mikhails body and hes very dead and Locke drops down but you can see him breathing slightly Mikhails chest is rising a little I guess thats just a blooper anyway we see those sea gulls with Claires message fly over head and I thought like the one with the note was going to land on Bens windowsill or something but OH SHIT THEYVE COME TO THE BARRACKS AND ITS THAT PLACE WE SAW AT THE VERY START OF THIS SEASON ITS THAT LITTLE SUBURBAN VILLAGE THE OTHERS LIVE IN AND I THOUGHT I SAW SOMEONE ON A SEGWAY BUT HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD JACK COMES RUNNING OMG IS HE ESCAPING

HE NONCHALANTLY CATCHES A FUCKING FOOTBALL WHAT THE SHIT AND HES GRINNING AND HAVING A RIGHT GOOD OLD TIME AND HE TOSSES IT BACK TO OH FUCK TOM CATCHES THE BALL AND HE HURLS IT BACK TO JACK CHUCKLING HIS FACE OFF AND JACK CATCHES THE BALL AND HIS FUCKING BOYFRIEND TOM RUNS UP AND JACKS LIKE FUCK YEAH TOUCHDOWN AND SPIKES THE BALL
and I just knew I needed to make a gif of that and I was like oh man I wish I could play football with fanfare heh and I got drunkpuppies to make it my avatar

LOST 3x13: The Man from Tallahassee
giant hamsters special edition
First viewed: March 22nd 2007

the thread I made about this epi was getting pretty epic it had some hilarious nerd related observations but this was one of the threads that was sadly forever lost to evil hackers but never fear I'll review it again like how I was getting ready to be disappointed with this episode because it opened with Locke trying to get a disability claim and but its just for depression and WOAH HE STANDS UP AND WALKS OUT but his life is a piece of shit all he does all day is sit in his piece of shit apartment jacking off to shitty shows about The Cobra stealing gold or something and eating his dogshit TV dinners all on his own little nerdo Locke hes probably got his comp in his bedroom where he plays counter strike all day really his life is terrible he is a massive fucking loser his dad stole his kidney and he got laid for once but couldnt even keep a girlfriend and he tried smoking weed everyday but he couldnt even be the jungle hunter hes always pretended to be and now hes a worthless depressed nerd

and he thinks his dad might have killed this kid whos mother he was marrying for a con so he goes to bother him and his dad pours them some MacCutcheons whiskey and tells him he can call the mother if he wants she broke off the wedding phones right over there and Locke turns around and walks over to the window to get the phone and asks whats her numOSHI-HIS DAD TACKLES HIM THROUGH THE FUCKING WINDOW AND HE COMES CRASHING OUT AAAAHHHH

HES FALLING OH GOD AAHHHHH HES FLAILING ABOUT OH JESUS ITS RAINING GLASS AND HES HURTLING DOWN FROM THIS BUILDING AND HE HITS THE GROUND LANDING ON HIS BACK

SWEET MOTHER OF CHRIST SO THATS HOW LOCKE GOT IN HIS WHEELCHAIR
and hes in hospital looking like a husk of even the pathetic little loser that he once was and the FBI are telling him that his dad could be anywhere in the world and a physiotherapist brings out the wheelchair and says you fell 8 stories and survived ok I dont want to hear about what you cant do and Lockes like no I cant no and he gets picked up like an infant squealing like a baby and he gets lowered into it and all he can fucking do is sit there staring down at his useless legs sobbing to himself he was always a fucking little nerdy boy and now hes just a fucking loser in a wheelchair who cant even walk and the most he'll ever do in the next four years is work in an office cubicle and play warrior boy and pretend to be wise because he spends all his life just sitting at his computer reading wikipedia the pathetic fucking loser but now now hes on the fucking island son and he can goddamn walk again and hes a fucking badass son he hunts boars with nothing more than knifes and when some fucking computer tried to make him a button pushing nerd again he fucking nuked the shit out of it he fucking fights polar bears son and now hes going to fucking roll on the Others hes always getting pushed about by tough guys he always got called a nerd at school and a loser at work and he got trolled on irc but NOW ITS FUCKING LOCKE TIME SON so hes sitting in this bush with Sayid and Kate and Frenchy has run off and Juliet comes out and Jack tosses the ball to her and she throws it to Tom literally like a girl and OH SHIT SHE BRINGS BEN OUT IN A WHEELCHAIR and Locke stares at Juliets massive breasts with his binoculars and what the fuck Jack shakes Bens hand and Lockes like THIS IS GOING TO BE MORE COMPLICATED THAN WE THOUGHT and that night they spy Jack going into a house and LOCKE GOES INTO MEGA COUNTER STRIKE MODE AND IS LIKE SAYID YOU CAMP WITH AWP ILL TURN MY AIMBOT ON AND BUY DUEL ELITES KATE YOU RUSH B AND THEY FUCKING ROLL THE FUCK OUT

and Kate is in fucking GI Jane mode and shes raiding Jacks house and she hears this piano music and she creeps slowly down this hallway and WOAH ITS JACK PLAYING THE PIANO AND HES LIKE WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE AND SHES LIKE I CAME TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE AND HES LIKE KATE THEYRE WATCHING ME GET OUT OF HERE AND THEN THESE OTHERS BURST IN GUNS DRAWN ON KATE AND THIS NIGGER GRABS HER AND JACKS LIKE DONT HURT HER AND THIS FUCKING DICKHEAD IS LIKE STEP BACK DOC AND KATE STARTS SCREAMING JACK JACK JACK AND THEN TWO OTHERS COME IN WITH SAYID HANDCUFFED OH FUCK AND THIS JACKASS OTHER IS LIKE WHO ELSE IS WITH YOU AND KATES LIKE JACK JACK AND HES LIKE JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION AND SHE SAYS NOBODY IS and they take Kate and put her in this fucking awesome games room with arcade machines and Jack comes in and asks her what you are always required to ask Kate if they hurt her aka raped her because she is constantly getting raped and she just asks him the same thing back and he grins thinking of how many times Tom took him roughly up the ass but says no and he says theyre gonna let him go home and he whispers in her ear that he can bring back help its their best chance and that he'll come back for her

meanwhile Ben wakes up in his room still un able to walk stuck in his bed and he turns on the light and OH SHIT ITS LOCKE WITH A GUN AND BENS LIKE OH SHIT JOHN AND HES LIKE KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN AND BENS LIKE ITS OK I CAN TELL YOU WHERE JACK IS AND LOCKES LIKE IM NOT LOOKIN FOR JACK... IM LOOKIN FOR THE SUBMARINE THE ONE YOUR MAN MIKHAIL TOLD ME ABOUT RIGHT BEFORE I KILLED HIM AND OH FUCK ALEX IS AT HIS DOOR AND LOCKE OPENS IT AND SHES LIKE EEK AND OH GOD THERES A KNOCK ON HIS FRONTDOOR SO LOCKE GRABS ALEX AND SHES LIKE EEEEK AND HE PULLS HER INTO THE CLOSET HOLY SHIT and its Tom and someone else and he tells Ben about Austen and Jarrah and hes like oh yeh amazing news and he tells this Richard guy to bring him the man from Tallahassee and they leave and Locke comes out and asks what is that some kind of code and Bens like no we dont have a code for theres a man in my closet with a gun to my daughters head although we obviously should and Locke gets Alex to go get Sayids backpack and Ben figures out that if he met Mikhail he found the C4 which is in Sayids pack and he wants to destroy the submarine not pilot it anywhere and he says that he knows John Locke but he says he doesnt know him at all and Ben lists all these facts about how much of a loser he was and he knows why he was in his wheelchair and he asks if it hurt and Locke manages to whimper out that he felt his back brake oh wow Bens in like top manipulating mode today and Ben asks him if it was immediate when he got there he could walk again right after the crash and Locke says hes wondering why it hasnt happened for him why the island hasnt healed him its been a week since Jack fixed him and then he wonders how he ever got sick in the first place oh ho ho but Ben comes right back with asking if hes afraid it will go away when he leaves he wont be able to walk oh shiiiit is that why he wants to blow up the sub because if he ever leaves this island he'll be back in the chair wow and then we see Alex getting Sayids packpack and he tells her that she looks like her mother and shes like my mothers dead and hes like I'm sure thats what they told you wowow but then general dickface Other butts him with his riffle fuck I hate that cunt I liked Pickett way better anyway Lockes rolling Ben into his kitchen and he asks where they get electricity from and Bens like we have two giant hamsters running in a massive wheel in our secret underground lair holy shit fucking dominated and Locke gets some chicken left overs out of the fridge and is like om nom nom and Bens tells him he was born on this island and not many of his people can say that most of them were recruited and that as much as they love this place they need to know they can leave if they want to the sub maintains that illusion but insists that theyre there because they want to be there some of them just arnt ready to make a full commitment yet but he says that Lockes different and that he can show him things he knows he wants to see and then he says he'll put it so he can understand and asks him to picture a box and he makes a jab at Locke knowing about boxes and he says that somewhere on this island therers a very large box that whatever you imagined when you opened it up there it would be what would you say to that John and he says well I hope that box is big enough to imagine yourself up a new submarine lmao fucking owned and Ben asks why hes so angry trying to take a shot at his anger management issues and Locke comes thundering back with its because you people are cheating they communicate with the outside world whenever they want to they come and go as they please they use electricity and running water and he sees the firearm in his hand and says they use guns and calls Ben a hypocrite hes a pharisee they dont deserve to be on the island if they had any idea what it really was he wouldnt be putting chicken in his goddamn refrigerator fuck yeah Locke and Bens like oh yeh oh yeh well you've been here 80 days I've been here my whole life what makes you think you know this place better than me you loser huh and Locke fucking rolls on him with BECAUSE YOURE IN THE WHEELCHAIR AND IM NOT

and Alex comes back with the C4 in the pack and Ben tells Locke that he needs to know that hes letting Jack go home on that sub and its a one way ticket because the anomaly wiped out their communications and theres no way that sub is coming back but Locke doesnt care and leaves and Ben puts the chicken back in the fridge lol when Jack and Juliet just walk in and Jack makes Ben give his word that he'll let his friends go because otherwise he'd stay wow I guess Jack is still his heroic self and Ben turns to Juliet and she gives him a little smirk and says thank you and they leave for the submarine where Locke was taking Alex and we see Frenchy seeing her daughter for the first time in 16 years but she just stands there in the bush and Locke walks down the dock like heeheehee

and he goes down to this awesome sub to fuck shit the hell up and when the Others and Jack walk out he comes striding down the dock and general dickheads like holy shit get down and the Others have him at gunpoint and Locke gets down on his knees and puts his hands up and grins to himself and Jack asks him what hes doing here damn it and Lockes just like I'm sorry and Jacks like sorry for what and if to answer his question OH FUCK THERES A MASSIVE EXPLOSION AT THE END OF THE DOCK

HE DID IT HE BLEW UP THE SUBMARINE
AND JACK LOOKS AT LOCKE LIKE HE JUST DUG UP HIS DEAD DOG AND RAPED IT so the Others take Locke to some like underground storeroom and have him handcuffed to the pipes and when Ben literally rolls in with Richard behind him Locke tells him he can stop pretending to be disappointed they both know he wanted him to blow up the sub thats why he left the C4 in Sayids pack and Ben tells him that he would have given anything to keep Jack from leaving because if he let him go that would be a sign of weakness but to kill Jack that would be cheating they know he made a promise and if he broke his word that would be worse but then Locke came striding out of the jungle to make his dream come true and Locke just asks him if hes going to start talking about the magic box again and Ben says no hes going to show him what came out of it

and they walk down this creepy hall way and Ben says that when Locke broke his back he wasnt asking about the physical pain thats obvious but he wanted to know what it felt like when his own father tried to kill him and they get to this door and Ben states that hes why he blew up the sub because hes afraid of him because this is the one place he can never get to him and Ben goes onto say that Locke has some sort of communion with this island and that makes him important Locke has no idea what hes talking about but in time he can help him understand and Locke just asks him why and Ben repeats because hes in a wheelchair and hes not wow that was holy shit jesus that was a great scene I mean the dialog in Bens house was just so quick and sharp these two grate minds battling each other like when max pms me on irc or when roy4l dares IM me but this was so steeped in the shows mythology it was amazing you have to see it but this next scene holy shit I just needed to make a gif of this too where siburke introduces me to his hostage

AND RICHARD OPENS THE DOOR AND LOCKE PEAKS IN AND HIS FACE SWITCHES FROM CURIOS TO SHOCKED WHEN HE SEES HIS OWN FATHER THE MAN WHO STOLE HIS KIDNEY AND CRIPPLED HIM GAGGED AND TIED TO A CHAIR

AND LOCKES LIKE "DAD?!"


LOST 3x14: Exposť
razzle frickin dazzle special edition
First viewed: March 29nd 2007

so the original thread for this episode opened with a story about how I had turned down going to the careers office to write that thread so and it was fucking worth it it was the first thread that went over the 150000 character limit and had to be broken into sections and I made a pretty good 300 joke about Paulo having a flashback to ruling the Persian empire funny stuff now where was I oh yeh WOAH NIKKI WAS A POLL DANCER AND A HOT ONE TOO I WAS RIGHT A YEAR AGO ABOUT JACKING OFF TO THIS and shes giving Ando a strip tease when she sees this pony tail guy and she follows him into a back room oh fuck thats the money for the orphanage

OH FUCK MR LASHADE IS THE COBRA AND THE GUY WITH THE PONY TAIL PULLS A GUN AND CORVETTE IS LIKE RAZZLE DAZZLE AND KICKS THE GUN AWAY AND CHOPS HIM THE FUCK OUT BUT THE COBRA FUCKING SHOOTS HER OH JESUS GOD AND AUTUMN AND CRYSTAL COME IN AND HES LIKE BAD NEWS GIRLS CORVETTE WAS WORKING FOR THE COBRA BUT FEAR NOT HE WILL PAY WHAT THE FUCK DID NIKKI JUST DI-CUT! oh right shes an actress on a show lmao and she is dating the director of this show called Exposť and he wants to bring Nikki back by saying she was wearing bullet proof vest but she flashes her tits and hes like bullet proof breasts hmm Juliet could use a pear of those (running scared joke you might get after a year) back on the island Nikki comes stumbling out of the jungle and shes like PA... LYS... and she just sort of stops moving and Hurlies like DUDE... NIKKIS DEAD and Sawyers like WHO THE HELL IS NIKKI

we see 84 Days Ago Nikki is having lunch with her director boyfriend anOH SHIT HES HAVING A HEART ATTACK OR SOMETHING AND SHE CALLS PAULO IN AND HE CHECKS HIS PULSE AND HES DEAD AND SHE PULLS OFF A KEY FROM AROUND HIS NECK AND SAYS TO PAULO SHE WOULD HAVE LOVED IT IF HE COULDVE FIGURE OUT A WAY WHERE SHE DIDNT HAVE TO EAT THE SAME FOOD AS HIM WTF THEY POISONED THIS GUY?! and the go to this safe and open it to find these matryoshka dolls and Nikki opens them and is like "RAZZLE FRICKIN DAZZLE" and back on the island the uninteresting patrol are examining Nikkis woundless corpse Hurley works out she was saying Paulo lies oh man shits getting intense and we see Nikkis dead face and theres a flashback uhhh how can she have a flashback if shes dead anyway its to 80 Days Ago when Paulo was chewing nicotine gum because he quit smoking in an airport and WOAH THERES SHANNON AND BOONE AND HE ASKS PAULO FOR HIS CHAIR AND SHANNONS LIKE IF YOU COULD STOP FLIRTING WITH RANDOM GUYS WE COULD ACTUALLY GET ON THE PLANE LMAO THE FUNNY THING IS HES OBVIOUSLY NOT GAY BECAUSE HE JUST FUCKED HIS SISTER A FEW HOURS AGO FUCK YEAH INCEST POWER COUPLE and Nikki doesnt want to end up like them well they probably wont I mean they're just getting on the same plane what could possibly go wroOH FUCK SHANNON IS STANDING IN THE PLANE WRECKAGE SCREAMING HER FACE OFF AND JINS YELLING FOR SUN RUNNING AROUND AND THERES FLAMING CHUNKS OF PLANE ARE LAYING EVERWHERE AND SHANNONS STILL SCREAMING FOR BOONE OH GOD AND THE TURBINES STILL GOING MAKING THAT WHINING HIGH PITCHED NOISE AND THERES SPARKS FLYING OFF OF EVERYTHING AND SHITS ON FIRE AND NIKKI COMES STUMBLING OUT AND SHE SEES JACK HOLDING CLAIRE AND PEOPLE ARE YELLING FOR HELP AND SURVIVORS ARE STAGGERING AROUND AND BOONES GIVING ROSE CPR POORLY

AND OH GOD NIKKI SEES THE WING OF THE PLAN THE FUSELAGE WRECKAGE AND SHANNONS STILL SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF FOR HER BROTHER OH GOD AND LOCKES HELPING THAT INJURED GUY OUT AND HE SEES THIS GUY WANDERING IN FRONT OF THE TURBINE AND HES LIKE GET AWAY FROM THERE AND HE TELLS NIKKI TO BACK UP AND HES YELLING AT THIS DUDE TO GET AWAY BE
HOLY SHIT HE GETS SUCKED INTO THE TURBINE

AND IT FUCKING EXPLODES AND BLOWS EVERYONE AWAY AND THERES A HUGE FIREBALL AND KNOCKS JACK ONTOP OF HIS HALF-SISTER CLAIRE AND SHARDS OF TURBINE GO FLYING EVERYWHERE AND FIRES RAINING DOWN
AND NIKKI PULLS SOMEONE OUT THINKING ITS PAULO BUT ITS ARZT AND HES LIKE ARE WE ALIVE AM I OK AND BOONE RUNS UP AND ASKS HER FOR A PEN LMAO HES STILL LOOKING FOR THOSE FUCKING PENS AND HE GOES RUNNING OFF SCREAMING DOES ANYONE HAVE A PEN HAHAHA AND SHE SEES PAULO AND SHE RUNS THROUGH ALL THIS WRECKAGE AND DEBRIS AND FLAMING TWISTED HEAPS OF METAL OVER TO PAULO AND HE LOOKS BLIND BUT HES JUST STARING OUT TO SEA AND SHE JUST ASKS HIM WHERE THEIR BAG IS OH MAN WHAT A BITCH
AND WE UNFLASHBACK TO FIND OH FUCK PAULOS DEAD TOO RIP BRO and back in now Hurley sees his undone pants and Sawyer finds his shoe in a tree but Jins like STOP! ...MONSTER? oh man oh man and Paulo has a flashback from heaven about 75 Days Ago when ETHEN COMES UP AND HES LIKE LOOKING FOR YOUR LUGGAGE HUH UHHH YEH I UHH LOST MY BAG TOO YOU KNOW BECAUSE I WAS IN THIS CRASH AND STUFF YOU KNOW IF YOU WANT TO LOOK IN LAND THE PLANE SPLIT APART OVER THE ISLAND NOT THAT LIKE I SAW IT FROM THE GROUND OR ANYTHING I WAS JUST LIKE ON BOARD THAT UHH THIS PLANE AND UHHH SAW IT UHHH YEH lmao and then fucking Arzt runs past ranting about how Boone stole the water and theyre all about to kick his shit in when Jack comes up and gives his "if we cant Live Together then we're going to Die Alone" speech

57 Days Ago Nikkis prances over to Arzt and hes like heh I'll be the new Charles Darwin let me copy and paste what I said about this in my thread form a year ago MAYBE WIN THE DARWIN AWARD FOR BLOWING YOURSELF UP WHILE DEMONSTRATING HOW NOT TO BLOW YOURSELF UP YOU DUMB FUCK and Nikkis like oh his spiders turn me on so much I just had to sleep with him lmao and her and Paulo go trying to find their bag with a trajectory map Arzt drew but then woah Nikki sees oh shit ITS THE BEACHCRAFT PAULO AND NIKKI JUST STUMBLED ON EKOS LITTLE DRUG SMUGGLING PLANE and shes like go up there there could be a radio and hes like uhhhh no way its gonna fall if I go up there

and Paulo walks off and he walks over this ground that makes a metalic clunking noise and Nikkis like wtf and they find OH SHIT ITS THE PEARL HATCH AND THEY OPEN UP ITS DOORS AND LOOK DOWN AND PAULOS LIKE OH COOL BUT NIKKIS LIKE OH YEH OUR BAG FELL DOWN OPENED A MANHOLE AND WENT INSIDE FUCK THIS SHIT AND STORMS OFF lmao cant believe they found it just by chance walking over it thats hilarious Eko had to like headbutt Locke for the map he drew from the blastdoor that crushed his legs back in now Hurley finds the script for Exposť and hes like NO WAY MR LASHADE WAS THE COBRA DUDE THE COBRA IS THIS BIG BAD GUY WHOS IDENTITY HAS BEEN SHROUDED IN MYSTERY FOR 4 SEASONS WTF STOP GIVING OUT SPOILERS HURLEY ROFL and Sawyer finds OH SHIT ONE OF THE OTHERS WALKY TALKYS WTF AND SAWYERS LIKE THEY WERE WORKING WITH THE OTHERS and 48 Days Ago Shannons complaining to Kate that her and her two boyfriends have guns and didnt tell them and Arzt is like THE PIGS ARE WALKING which is a reference to the book animal farm I now know and Paulo actually finds the bag in the lagoon by the corpses in their seats but he doesnt tell Nikki he found their bag and he tries to bury the doll in like the middle of the camp 32 Days Ago and Locke comes up and says that things on this island dont stay buried for very long and he gets the hint and goes down to the Pearl hatch and into the bathroom and he hides the doll in the toilet and he hears someone complaining about the hatch being open and someone says Tom was down here a couple days ago and wait who is that says tell him to cover it up with the plane I guess this is after Boone died then and OH SHIT ITS JULIET AND BEN AND THEY ARE BAREFOOT IN THEIR HILLBILLY JUNGLE SAVAGE GET UPS AND HE TUNES ONE OF THE TVS INTO A SURVEILLANCE FEED FROM THE SWAN

AND JACKS TREATING SAWYERS BULLET WOUND FLIRTING WITH HIM A LITTLE AND JULIETS LIKE HES CUTE TEE HEE AND BEN SAYS HE CAN GET HIM TO DO THE SURGERY HE JUST NEEDS TO FIND OUT WHAT HES EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN AND EXPLOIT IT AND SHES LIKE WHAT WE JUST GRAB HIM AND FORD AND AUSTEN AND BENS LIKE NO THEY NEED TO COME TO US AND JULIETS LIKE AND HOW DO WE MAKE THAT HAPPEN AND BENS LIKE MICHEAL OF COARSE AND JULIETS LIKE THIS PLACE GIVES ME THE CREEPS AND THEY LEAVE TO PRACTICE THEIR NEGRO IM TROLLING TECHNIQUES
but they leave behind a walky talky hmm and Paulo picks it up and we see that like heroin ashes that was being smoked on the side table we saw in ? so I guess someone else was down there tripping massive balls on a limitless supply of heroin probably Tom while jackin off to Jack in the shower back in the now Hurleys telling Desmond his super power suck why cant he like shoot lighting from his hands like Elle from Heroes and then we see Vincent pulling the covers off of Nikki and Paulos corpses and Charlie is actually being a man about something in his life and admits to Sun that it was really him who attacked her as part of Sawyers con to get the guns and she just storms off and Paulo has a dead flashback to 9 Days Ago when they all went down to the Pearl hatch and turns out he wasnt in the bathroom because he was a lazy sack of shit beaner he was actually getting the diamonds out from those dumb dolls he hid there and he actually gets ready to walk out and look like a fucking dumbass and 9 days later everyones digging their graves when Sawyer comes up and Hurley straight up demands his gun from him woah thats pretty ballsy and Saywers like ugh the guns empty and I didnt fucking kill the beaners he actually worked out Nikki was burying something and he dug it up and it turns out to be WOAH SOME DIAMONDS SHE BURRIED A SACK OF DIAMONDS BEFORE SHE DIED

and 12 Hours Ago Nikkis sees Paulos nicotine gum and realizes he found their bag and in real time Sun comes up to Sawyer and tells him she knows it was his idea to fake kidnap her and she gives him the diamonds and she fucking slaps him and marches off and then at Nikki and Paulos funeral he sprinkles the diamonds over their dead bodies and in the final flashback 8 Hours Ago so this is just before they died oh man I bet its something really shocking like Sun killed them with her ninja botany skills but its to when Nikki took Paulo out into the jungle and demanded to know where the diamonds were but he didnt admit he had them so SHE TAKES OUT THIS JAR WITH A SPIDER IN IT AND THROWS IT AT HIM AND IT BITES THE SHIT OUT OF HIS NECK AND HE SQUISHES IT AND SHES LIKE YOU REMEMBER DR ARZTS FRIEND DONT YOU THE MEDUSA SPIDER AND PAULO GOES ALL NUMB AND LIMP YOU KNOW WHY ITS CALLED THAT BECAUSE ONE LOOK FROM HER AND YOUD TURN TO STONE KIND OF LIKE ONE BITE FROM THE SPIDER WILL PARALYZE YOU FOR ABOUT 8 HOURS OH HO HO HO OH SHIIIT AND IT SLOWS YOUR HEART RATE DOWN REALLY SLOWLY A DOCTOR WOULD HAVE A HARD TIME AND HE FALLS OVER AND SHE SAYS HE WONT BE ABLE TO MOVE A MUSCLE SO SHELL BE ABLE TO DO ALL SORTS OF NASTY THINGS TO YOU WOAH WOAH WOAH HOT AND PAULOS JUST SORT OF WRITHING AROUND AND SHE SEARCHES HIM AND TAKES OFF HIS SHOE AND THROWS IT IN A TREE AND SHES LIKE OH I THINK I KNOW WHERE AND UN DOES HIS BELT AND PUTS HER HAND DOWN HIS PANTS AND FEELS AN EXTRA LARGE BULGE AND PULLS OUT THE DIAMONDS AND PAULO MANAGES TO SAY THAT HES SORRY AND SHE SAYS HES ONLY SORRY CUS HE GOT CAUGHT BUT HE MUTTERS THAT HE WAS AFRAID OF LOSING HER IF SHE FOUND THE DIAMONDS SHE WOULDNT NEED HIM ANYMORE AND SHE JUST ASSUMED HE WAS A GREEDY BEANER AWW SO SWEET BUT OH SHIT THEY HEAR SOMETHING CRAWLING ABOUT AND THIS WEIRD CLICKING NOISE AND OH SHIT THE GROUNDS LIKE A LIVING CARPET OF SPIDERS AND PAULOS TRYING TO WARN HER BUT HE CANT TALK OR MOVE AND HES JUST STARING AT THIS SPIDER CRAWLING UP HER LEG AND OH GOD IT BITES HER OH SHIIIIT SHE RUSHES TO BURY THE DIAMONDS AND SHE COMES STUMBLING OUT OF THE JUNGLE TO HURLEY AND SAWYER AND SHE SAYS "PARALYZED" OH SHIT OH SHIT

AND SHE UNFLASHBACKS AND SHES STILL FUCKING ALIVE THEYRE JUST PARALYZED OH THA-OH FUCK HURLEY AND SAWYER ARE BURYING THEM OH GOD OH GOD OH JESUS THEY WERE ALIVE THE WHOLE TIME NO NO NO THEYRE NOT DEAD DONT FUCKING BURY THEM BUT THEY ARE AND OH CHRIST NIKKI OPENS HER EYES JUST AS A SPADEFULL OF DIRT HITS HER FACE OH GOD NO NO THEYRE NOT DEAD OH GOD OH CHRIST OH SHIT THEY OH OH SHIT OH GOD

NIKKI AND PAULO WERE JUST BURIED ALIVE!!!
so a few days before I watched this episode there was this official ytmnsfw meet up planned in London called YTMNSFL when fanfare was coming to meet all the UK posters and I was invited but I of coarse didnt go because I am a little nerd loser who hides behind his computer but I wish I was there to flirt with fanfare so I was like hmmm what can I do so I went into internet hero super charged mode and I concentrated all of my internet powers into one page of fucking massive wall of text and I had already made those gifs of me playing football with fanfare and fighting siburke and him having her hostage because he was talking a little shit about her so I put him in his place with some badass gifs so I thought let me just get everyone whos goings avatars and put them on Lost characters heh and I made this badass pic and when I was putting it in an envelope I thought oh man I need a present for fanfare and I saw my prize mudkip pokemon card and I was like yeah thats it she loves the internet and thats a pretty cool 4chan meme let me send her that so I fucking did

I of coarse made a massive wall of text thread about this ytmnsfl letter meanwhile vitaifn got this irl generic ruby post and brought it with him and read this out loud too bad Dakkons camera is a sack of shit he only got the first burst of wall of text


LOST 3x15: Left Behind
lesbian sexual tension special edition
First viewed: April 5th 2007

after watching this episode I was about to make the original thread for this episode when I got an IM from Juliet inviting me to play some counter strike with her and I'll admit she is way better at my but I bet she has an aimbot on and she threatened to impregnate my sister with her fertility skills if I didnt make this thread about ruby and Juliets counter strike adventure and then I got to work on that thread which was nothing in comparison to the following you know if I was locked in a wicked games room I would be playing the arcade games but Kate thinks it would be fun to get a fucking pool cue and wait for someone to come in to attack and this was pretty badass right here JULIET COMES IN WITH A SANDWICH AND KATE SWINGS THE POOL CUE AT HER BUT SHE DUCKS

AND JULIET GRABS KATES ARMS TWISTS AROUND AND FLIPS HER THE FUCK OVER FUCK YEAH
and she just sort of lays there pathetically staring up at Juliet and she smirks down at her and says she was only bringing her food and shes like enjoy your sandwich which is all over the ground lmao fuckin owned and in the morning Locke comes in and shes thinks hes brain washed and she says theyre not going to take him home and he says he doesnt want to go home and that he made a good case for her until they told him what she did and he says forgiveness isnt their strong point and leaves Kates there and she takes a little nibble of this bread thats been on the floor all day lmao and then she looks out the window and sees the Others putting on these badass gasmasks and

OH FUCK AN OTHER THROWS IN A SMOKE NADE AND IT STARTS SPEWING GAS EVERYWHERE AND KATES LIKE OH SHIT AND TRIES TO COVER HER MOUTH WITH A NAPKIN BUT SHE PASSES OUT UH OH and she wakes up in the jungle and she looks around and shes got a handcuff on her left hand and OH HELL NO SHES HANDCUFFED TO JULIET thats fucking insane I fucking live for this shit and she sees she has a little knife in her pocket and she carefully pulls this knife out of Juliets pocket and she flicks it open and

JULIET GRABS HER WRIST OH JESUS and shes like what am I doing there and Kates like idk let go of my wrist and I thought she was going to say well let go of the knife but she doesnt she does let go of her wrist and Juliet says they gassed her too and Kate says they have to go back because she saw the Others packing up and leaving thats and Juliets like lol wut and Kates like welcome to the wonderful world of not knowing what the hell is going on and at night Kate is trying to follow a trail back to the Others village but Juliets moaning that its about to rain and she just pulls her along and she asks her why they'd do this handcuff them together and Juliets like Ben has thing for mindgames and they ave sort of a smirking contest and then it start ts to rain heavily thats pretty weird like when Locke did it and its pouring it down and Kate tries to walk off but Juliet just stands there and she says she hopes shes not going back for Jack because he told her not to come back and now shes ruined his chance to get off the islaKATE FUCKING PUNCHES HER RIGHT IN THE FACE FUCK YEAH AND JULIET FALLS OVER AND THAT PULLS KATE DOWN TOO LMAO AND THEYRE BOTH SOAKING WET AND ROLLING AROUND AND KATE FUCKING PUNCHES HER IN THE HEAD AGAIN AND KNEES HER IN THE SIDE HOLY SHIT AND PULLS HER UP

AND JULIET DOES HER LIKE SPECIAL MOVE AND ROLLS OVER AND FLIPS KATE OVER WITH HER LEG BUT OF COARSE SHE CANT GET AWAY AND KATE TWISTS AROUND AND KICKS HER RIGHT IN THE FACE AND STRADDLES HER BACK AND PINS HER DOWN WOAH FUCKIN HOT AND PULLS BACK HER LEFT ARM AND TWISTS IT AROUND AND SHES LIKE ARE YOU DONE AND JULIETS LIKE AAAAHHH AND SHES LIKE I SAID ARE YOU DONE AND LEANS IN AND OH SHIT THERES A SNAPPING CRUNCHING NOISE AND JULIETS LIKE AAAAAIIIEEEEE AND ROLLS ABOUT CRYING AND SCREAMING SHE FUCKING DISLOCATED HER SHOULDER AND KATES LIKE WOAH FUCK IM SORRY I DI
SHE HEARS THIS STAMPING NOISE AND OH GOD ROARING AND KATE BRICKS HERSELF AND JULIETS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK SHE CAN HEAR TREES CRUNCHING AND OH GOD ITS THE MONSTER ITS MAKING THAT TERRIFYING ROARING AND THERES A SNORTING NOISE AND THAT AWFUL HORN LIKE HOULING AND IT MAKES THAT SCREECHING ROAR AND COMES STOMPING IN THEIR DIRECTION AND KATES LIKE GET UP AND JULIETS LIKE YOU DISLO-KATES LIKE GEEET UUUUP OH FUUUUCK AND THERES THIS GARGLING SOUND AND THEY FUCKING LEG IT WHILE IT MAKES THOSE METALLIC SCRAPING NOISES AND THEY HEAR TREES BEING RIPPED APART

THEY RUN INTO THESE VINE TREES AND GET DOWN AND JULIETS LIKE WHAT THE HELL AND KATE HAS TO PUT HER HAND OVER HER MOUTH AND ITS STOMPING TOWARDS THEM AND GRUNTING AND MAKES THAT WEIRD CLICKING GARGLING AND A SORT OF HISSES AND ROARS AND STOMPS AND WE SEE FROM ITS POINT OF VIEW MAKING THESE GROWLING SCREECHING WHINING SOUNDS AND GURGLES AS IT BOBS DOWN TO THE TREES THEYRE HIDING IN AND OH GOD IT SEES THEM AND ITS CLICKING FURIOUSLY AND IT HOVERS THERE AND SUDDENLY ZOOMS IN AND THERES THIS BLINDING FLASH ACROSS JULIETS FACE AND THIS HORRIBLE MECHANICAL GRINDING SOUND AND IT FLASHES HER AGAIN AND SHE TRIES TO COVER HER EYES AND AGAIN WITH THIS QUICK STROBING BURST OF LIGHT AND ITS MAKING THIS A CHATTERING SOUND AND FLASHES HER WITH A BRIGHT WHITE BEAM OF LIGHT AGAIN AND REARS UNSEEN AWAY BACK INTO THE JUNGLE MAKING LOW PURRING ALMOST ELECTRICAL HUMMING NOISES
dear god that was the scariest thing I have ever seen it is like in most horror movies when you dont see the monster its scary but when you do see it its not scary any more but with this when you see it its even more fucking scary but when you dont see it again its still the most traumatic thing ever I mean holy shit this fucking giant monster thing making the worst sounds imaginable like taking pictures of you jesus lord and Juliet claims to not know what it is and she wants Kate to pop her arm back in its socket holy shit and she says its already been dislocated three times before probably from being arrested so many times for downloading cp and she says if it wasnt for Kate shed be on a submarine home now to molest all the kids she wants and Kate relocates her shoulder and she screams her face off and Kate actually hugs Juliet like holds her head against her chest that was pretty sweet and they fall asleep embracing and in the morning Kate wakes up and asks how her arm is and shes like awesome lol and Kate says she doesnt know anything about Jack and Juliet lists this massive wall of text facts about him and Kate should have been like well did you know hes gay but shes just like lets get going and they hear this weird chirping noise and hang on this is an awesome scene watch this

OH SHIT ITS THE MONSTER HOWLING AT THEM AND ITS GRUNTING AND BRAKING TREES APART AND MAKING THIS SNORTING SOUND AND THEY FUCKING LEG IT AND IT ROARS AT THEM AND MAKES THAT RAPID CLICKING NOISE AND STOMPS AFTER THEM AND THEY FALL IN A PUDDLE OF MUD AS IT COMES CRASHING ALONG HISSING AND CLICKING AND GROWLING AND THEY COME TO THE SONIC FENCE THING AND JULIET WANTS TO RUN THROUGH IT AND KATES LIKE NO FUCKING WAY I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS BUT JULIETS LIKE ITS TURNED OFF DAMN IT AND THE MONSTERS GETTING LOUDER AND SCREECHING AND ROARING AND SHE TAKES OUT A KEY FROM HER POCKET AND UNLOCKS THE CUFFS WTF AND SHE RUNS BEHIND ONE OF THE PYLON THINGS AND THERES A NUMBERKEYPAD THAT SHE SCRAMBLES TO TYPE IN THE 151623 PASSWORD AND OPENS THIS PANEL AND SHE TELLS KATE TO GET ON THIS SIDE DAMN IT AND KATE HESITATES BUT SHE HEARS THE MONSTER MAKING THAT METALLIC CLUNKING NOISE AND ROARING LIKE ALL HELL AND SHE BOLTS TO THE OTHER SIDE AND JULIET TURNS THIS SWITCH AND THE FENCE LIKE POWERS UP AND TREES ARE GETTING RIPPED UP IN FRONT OF THEM ON THE OTHER SIDE AND KATE STUMBLES AWAY BUT JULIET JUST STANDS THERE AND THERES NOWOAH MOTHERFUCKER THREE TENTACLES OF SMOKE SPROUT OUT OFF THE FOLIAGE AND CONVERGE INTO ONE MASS OF PITCH BLACK SMOKE AND IT SWEEPS OVER THE GROUND MAKING THIS MECHANICAL CLICKING SOUND AND ITS MASSIVE AND ITS ROARING THIS HUGE CLOUD OF BLACK SMOKE AND IT ROARS AND CHARGES JULIET WHOS STANDING HER GROUND OH GOD

HOLY SHIT IT CANT GET PAST THE SONIC FENCE AND ITS JUST THUMPING AGAINST IT AND THERES THAT HIGH PITCHED BUZZING AND THE SMOKE MONSTER CANT GO THROUGH ITS BEING FORCED BACK AND THIS 3500HZ SQUARE WAVE ITS BLOCKING IT AND ITS RIPPLING AWAY FROM IT AND ITS TRYING TO GET PAST IT AND ITS LIKE VIBRATING AS THE FENCE KEEPS THIS CLOUD OF SMOKE TRYING TO FLOAT THROUGH BACK WITH THIS DEAFENING SQUEALING NOISE HOLY MOTHER OF GOD


AND THE SMOKE MONSTER REARS AWAY AND BACKS OFF AND SPLITS UP AS IT RETREATS MAKING THIS SUCKING SOUND AS THE NOISE FROM THE FENCE DIES DOWN AND ZIPS BACK INTO THE JUNGLE AND SEPARATES AND MELDS BACK INTO THE JUNGLE
and Kates like goddamn it and shoves Juliet and she says they dont know what it is but they know it doesnt like their fences but she is mad that she had a key lmao and Juliet says that the people she spent the last three years of her life with gassed her and left her too and she thought she might have a chance if she could convince Kate that they were in it together maybe she wouldnt get left behind again and they head back to the Others village and Kate goes to Jacks house thats filled with gas canisters and he wakes up with such a start that it sends her flying rofl and she says they all just left and she starts crying and saying shes so sorry and Jack just asks about Juliet and they walk out and Juliet gives Jack a sexy smirk and Sayid comes out saying hes searched the place and everyones gone and took everything of value and they head off back to the beach camp leaving this surreal jungle suburbia behind them

sayids lookin pretty badass with his machete handle sticking out his backpack anyway oh yeh the flashback for this episode forgot about that it was how Kate met Sawyers exgf Cassidy whos still trying to do that necklace con and they go on a lesbian date and in the end Kate manages to meet her mother in the bathroom of the restaurant she works at and she like comes up behind her in a mirror which is a pretty scary way to approach someone and her mom says that the next time she sees her shell scream for help well I guess she did even though she was dying of cancer at the time and Cassidy tells her that shes pregnant and she doesnt mention Sawyer by name but like she says hes a bad guy like Kates dad was so I guess Sawyer really does have a daughter called fucking Clementine and whats really interesting is like they both think Sawyer and Kates dad are bad people and when Kate ends up with Sawyer she thinks hes like possessed by her dad or some shit and in the present she has to work with a rival love interest of Jacks and in her flashback she works with a rival love interest of Sawyers pretty cool

speaking of Sawyer the B-story was about how Hurley told Sawyer that they had a vote and they're gonna banish him for being a dick so after a hilarious scene where he tries to gut a fish by himself Sawyer has to be nice to everyone like go hunting with Desmond idk where the fuck he got that rifle from oh wait yeh I do he brought one with him on his boat I guess he kept it around after he joined their camp and it turns out Hurley pulled the lamest con in the world by tricking Sawyer into being nice I guess Hurleys really affirmative now after that whole DHARMA van shit like how he demanded Sawyers gun back well he wants Sawyer to be the leader of the camp since everyones away well I guess Sawyer is the leader of the camp for like two seconds before Jack gets back rofl

a few days before this episode I had heard that ROY4L had a new irc channel called #?! so I decided to check it out and it was just a few frontpage faggots like btape and nutnics but the best part was fanfare loved it and I came to love this place as if it were my home and I've been there ever since here is a good example of such epic fanfare flirting maneuvers in the early days of #?!

and well like two weeks before I saw this episode but Ill lie and say it was the night before so this post flows better I watched the latest internet fad movie 300 and I fucking loved it it was all about manly heroes standing up against impossible odds and oppressive big mean trolls it was pretty much an exact depiction of every day of my life on the net and I made a pretty bad thread about it speaking of bad threads I make this was one of my reviews that was sadly lost to evil hackers even with the grate resistance myself and fellow forum warriors put up exactly like in the movie 300 and I even sacrificed myself to save the entire forum

LOST 3x16: One of Us
cyber stalking special edition
First viewed: April 12th 2007

anyway let me just save the forum again with an epic thread literally noone will read holy shit why am I even typing this lmao anyway Sayid is thinking up all the sexy S&M ways to torture Juliet but she smirks him and hes like "I want to know what you people are doing on this island why you are terrorizing us making lists kidnapping children I want to know everything" and she says "if I told you everything I know you'd kill me" and Sayids goes into hyper interrogation mode and is like "what do you think I'll do if you dont?" and Jack rolls up and tells him shes his protection and when they walk on Sayids swinging his machete through the trees and almost cuts Kates face off lmao and they get back to camp and Sawyers like SON A BITCH when he sees Jack coming up awww and he looks so relieved and everyones greeting Jack and I thought Sawyer would go straight to Kate but he doesnt he just stands there staring at Jack and the music gets all romantic and touchy and

they you know kinda nod to each other and then they like yeh ok and shake hands and then theyre like oh fuck it and THEY HAVE A BIG GAY HUG AWWW LOVE YOU TOO BRO
that was the most romantic shit I've ever seen in my life and then he sees Juliet and hes like what the hell is she doing here

so everyones having a big town hall meeting about Juliet while she chats with Hurley and OH LOL CLAIRE HAS A MASSIVE ANIME ERECTION STYLE NOSE BLEED and Jack goes into uber doctor mode and Juliets tells Kate that she needs to talk to him because she did this to Claire oh christ

and she tells Jack that Claire was given a medication designed by her to keep her alive during the last stages of her pregnancy oh fuck and for some reason on this island every pregnant woman has died before giving birth until Claire woah and she explains holy shit that one of their people infiltrated their camp after and started taking blood samples right after the plane crash and we see Ethan doing his best rapist face and grabbing Claire and stabbing her with a syringe so I guess her nightmares were real holy shit and he was giving her this medication to stop her from dying but then they found out Ethan wasnt on the plane and he improvised and kidnapped Claire thats the only reason why shes alive and if she doesnt get some of this medication she'll die and that Ethan had some equipment at his old drop point and she goes and gets it by a tree with a weird ass mark on it when Sayid and Sawyer roll up on her and Sayid wants to test the validity of the statement that he'd kill her if she told her everything she knew lmao test the validity of that statement what a faggot thing to say and Juliet mindgames the shit out of them and talks about how many people Sayid as tortured and something in Basra and then calls Sawyer James which he doesnt even notice since Kates been calling him that for about a year but she mentions the man he shot in cold blood before he got on the plane wtf how did she know about that and she just takes the case and goes back to camp woah owned

and after Juliet injects this urine colored liquid into Claires ovaries she wakes up fine and then Jack brings Juliet one of their endless supplies of tarps and says eventually theyll need answers maybe he is talking about the viewers hmm but she just asks Jack why he doesnt need answers uh oh is it because hes not gay and he wants to fuck her but no he says its because she was with him when that submarine exploded and he could tell that she wanted to go home as badly as they all do and that makes her one of them and we see her setting up her tent but the best part of this episode was the flashbacks which were about like her being an Other the funniest part was when Richard pours her some orange juice and obviously just puts some rohypnol in and Juliet just politely asks whats that and hes like oh thats orange juice with a considerable amount of tranquilizer lmao and they want her to drink it because the trip is kinda intense and Richard gives her a speech about how she knows the place shes going to is special and that she can do some good but if she changes her mind they can just take her ba-and she downs the orange juice in a oner and Ethans like uhhh you probably shouldnt have drunk that so fast laugh my fuckin ass off and she passes out

that was kind of cool it reminded me of like in The Matrix when Neo is given the choice of taking the red or blue pill except theres just one orange glass and Juliet wakes up oh fuck strapped to a bed in a tiny little cabin like one of those japanese sleep capsules and Ethans like oh morning and probably has a huge boner for this drugged woman tied to a bed and he sort of awkwardly tries to help her down without sounding too much like a rapist and they are in the submarine cool and he points up the ladder leading out and just sort of wanders off and she climbs out with her high heels hindering her and she stands up to see the island in all its mysterious glory

and Ben comes up and introduces himself like he did to Jack and this time she shakes his hand and we see the sub for the last time and over the next six months she tries to stop all these pregnant Other women from dying but she fails each time and I guess Ethan really was a surgeon like Ben said I thought he was just bullshitting and they were in the medical hatch with these paintings that look like vaginas and she goes to sit by the shore and Ben comes to talk to her and she says she thinks it happens at conception but the only way to be sure is to take a woman off the island but Ben refuses and insists shes not taking anyone off the island and he tells her that her sisters cancers back and hands her a medical file shes like where did you get this and Ben says Mikhail and he bluntly states that he'll cure her sisters cancer wtf and says that shes done tests on everyone there and not a trace of cancer and shes like yeh thats fucking here not Miami and he blurts out that Jacob said he'd take care of it himself holy shit who the fuck is Jacob and why can he cure cancer and why cant he cure like pregnancy fucking up and the next flashback was hot as fuck where shes in bed with Goodwin holy fuck and theyre naked in bed eating icecream they are in their Others village in their houses and I guess shes feeding him icecream because hes pretending to be 10 years old in some disturbing sex game since there are no kids on the island yet for her to molest and theres a knock on the door do these people not have door bells or something anyway shes like stay there and hes like yes mommy holy shit Juliet has a fucking sexy back and Goodwin has a fucking manly hot chest two sexy Others fuck got a boner there anyway she got that X-ray of Bens back and oh fuck she sees a goddamn tumor on his L4 so she walks across that weird suburban roadless garden area to Bens house who is just finnishing Carrie and he says oh boy it sure is depressing and she tells him he has a tumor lmao now thats depressing and he actually says "what" instead of his usual "sorry" when someone says something weird happens and Juliets like how the fuck do you have cancer I thought you fucking cured cancer I thought you cured my sister you lied damn it and hes like no I didnt and goes to drink this cup of water

AND JULIETS LIKE FUCK UR CUP AND KNOCKS IT AWAY AND STARTS YELLING AT HIM THAT SHE WANTS TO TALK TO HER SIS AND BENS LIKE NO WAY AND SHE KEEPS YELLING AT HIM THAT HE LIED AND HES LIKE NO I TOLD THE TRUTH and then she starts crying asking him to let her go home oh wow and Bens like sorry nope and she rolls around crying on his kitchen and the next morning she puts in her Downtown CD and smirks herself in the mirror and we see her at the bookclub arguing with that dickface Adam and the Downtown music is still playing in the background and then shit starts shaking I cant believe I thought this was in like fucking LA during an earthquake or something and they all rush outside and Ethan gets out from under the pipes and Ben runs out his house when they hear that screeching howling sound and they look up and we get that marvelous shot of Juliet looking up and OCEANIC FLIGHT 815 IS TEARING THROUGH THE SKY LEAVING A SMOKING TRAIL BEHIND IT AND THE CAMERA PANS UP AND ZOOMS IN AS IT BRAKES APART MID AIR HOLY SHIT AND THE SEPARATE SECTIONS GO FALLING DOWN ACROSS THE ISLAND

AND BEN GOES INTO OTHER LEADER MODE AND CALLS OVER GOODWIN AND ETHAN AND TELLS THEM THERE MIGHT BE SURVIVORS AND THEYRE ONE OF THEM AND THEY RUN OFF TO INFILTRATE THE SECTIONS OF PLANE OH MAN
and he tells Juliet he has something important to show her and theres still shrapnel streaming down scorching the sky with smoke as they walk off to the Flame station and theres a cool shot of the mist filled hills and Ben tries to radio Mikhail but he never has his own and he yells up its Ben I'm with Juliet we're approaching the house dont fucking shoot us lmao I guess Mikhail was always a bit of a loner and he asks if they saw it and Bens like a plane fell out of the sky of coarse we fucking saw it and asks what he has so far and WOAH MIKHAIL SITS DOWN AT THIS EPIC COMPUTER SET UP AND HES BEEN CYBER STALKING AT MACH SPEEDS AND HES GOT ALL THESE NEWS REPORTS UP AND HE SAYS THE PLANE WAS OCEANIC FLIGHT 815 LEFT SYDNEY AUSTRALIA HEADING FOR LOS ANGELES 324 PEOPLE ON BOARD INCLUDING THE FLIGHT CREW AND BENS LIKE I WANT DETAILED FILES ON EVERY SINGLE PASSENGER AND HES LIKE YEP ALREADY WORKING ON IT ALREADY HACKING THE AIRPORTS COMPS AND LOOKING UP ALL THEIR MYSPACES ILL HAVE THEIR ORIENTATIONS AND WHO ID LIKE TO MEETS IN AN HOUR holy shit and then Ben tells him to uplink with Richard and he tells Juliet that this is live and puts on his fucking gaming headset mic thing and theres a newspaper with todays date on it and Richard I presume waves the camera over to a playground where oh my god her sister is playing with her son

and shes molesting him and Juliets so glad to see some child porn for the first time in three years and Ben says his name is Julian what a faggot name and the video feed cuts out and Juliet starts crying and Ben says that hes not a lier her sisters cancer went into complete remission and she says she wants to go home but he says thats not their deal she has to solve their problem and she says she cant they keep dying their running out of mothers and Bens like theyll just get more who knows maybe theres even one on that plane oh shit well that makes all of season 1 not a total waste of time and in the epic final scene Juliet is setting up her tent and she has a flashback to her in the Others village and oh fuck Bens getting her to go over it again and she says she drags Austen out into the jungle handcuffs herself to her and say she was gassed just like her and Ben asks if she catches her in the lie and she says admit to it say it was the only way to earn her trust and he asks what then and she says theyll take her back to the beach and there shes looking around at Jin teaching a guy to fish and Hurley hanging out at the kitchen and Des chattin at the table and shes telling Ben its going to be a problem after all theyve done to them and Ben says theyve activated the implant in Claire what the fuck and she should be symptomatic within the next 48 hours and by the time she gets to the camp she'll have a nice big crisis to solve oh my god and she says she'll need supplies and he says Pryce is already on his way and the case will be at Ethans old drop point and he says to tell Jack that she can save her and in real time Jack smiles at her setting up her tent in the middle of their camp and Juliet smirks back and Ben says he trusts her holy shit and Ben asks if shes ok and she says shes fine and he puts a gas mask on the table and rolls away and says

"SEE YOU IN A WEEK" AND SHE PICKS UP HER GASMASK UH OH three days before I saw this episode Cho shot up his school killing 32 people and injuring 25 others before killing himself and was my new personal hero this wasnt some whitey taking his dads gun to school and injuring two kids and killing himself this was a shut in little asian nerd who sat at his comp all day and was disgusted by the vermin who surrounded him so he kicked shit the fuck in with his duel elites and if this wasnt in real life I would have sworn he had his fucking aimbot and the best bit was that he took the time to send off a fucking media package with badass pictures of himself duel wielding and posing with a hammer like in one of my favorite movies Oldboy and he sent an irl wall of text and a vblog where he asian raged I mean this guy was such a socially anxious little nerd he never spoke but when he did fucking speak it was an epic vocal wall of text about how your mercedes wasnt enough you brats and debaucheries and how he was standing up for generations of the oppressed fuck yeah look at this guy the first pictures we saw of him were some little nerd but now hes fucking badass fuck yeah

but the best part which made this a very personal wall of text story was that my best internet friend fanfare made a fantastic ytmnd comparing me to my hero Cho and I immediately made a userbar about it but the even bester bit was when #?! user nutnics had had enough of my pro Cho discussions and went on a massive brick of text rant that came crashing through my window and broke my jaw upon its postings using such fantastic phrases such as my prepubescent rabbit hole of anti-social tirades and thats why I love Cho hes not just another lonley nerd he stood up to society and said fuck it and fucking rolled on 57 people with inhuman accuracy and he can cause such disgust he rivals holocaust jokes I wish I could be as remarkable as him one day

LOST 3x17: Catch-22
r.i.p. Cho Seung-hui special edition
First viewed: April 19th 2007

so I decided to dedicate this thread about this episode in his honor and that thread had great themes such as wishing the new character was a cute redheaded girl so without further walls of text this episode starts with Desmond Hurley Charlie and Jin in the jungle I didnt know what the fuck was going on here why are they randomly walking through the jungle and the rain is pissing it down and Charlie and Hurley are arguing about who would win in a race between Superman and The Flash and Hurley is obviously right The Flash once he ran so fucking fast he ran faster than light and turned into pure kinetic energy and went back in time and turned out to be the very bolt of lighting that gave him his super powers I'd like to see Superman do that whats he going to do run faster than a speeding bullet oh wow fuck off Charlie you dumb hobbit I hope that little cunt dies and he steps on this wire and hes like wtf and he steps off of it and OH SHIT A CROSSBOW IN A TREE SHOOTS AN ARROW AT HIM

JESUS CHRIST THE ARROW HIT HIS NECK AND HURLEYS LIKE NOOO CHARLIE NOOO AND JINS LIKE PING NING NANG AND DES IS LIKE DONT TOUCH IT AND HURLEYS LIKE OMG OMG OMG AND CHARLIES LIKE HHUUUGGHGGH HUUGHGHGH HUCKCKK AND DES IS LIKE UHHH WE HAVE TO GET HIM BACK AND JINS LIKE NO YOU HELP AND DES IS LIKE I CANT AND CHARLIES DYING OH GOD AND DES IS LIKE IM SORRY MATE AND HE FUCKING DIES OH GOD OH GOD CHARLIE NOOO IN SORRY FOR CALLING YOU A HOBBIT FAGGOT ALL THESE YEARS AND WOAAAH SHIT HURLEYS PICKING UP THE WIRE IN THE BEACH AND WHAT THE SHIT THERES A FLASHING RED LIGHT IN THE SKY AND DESMOND AND PENNYS PHOTO AND A PARACHUTE AND SOMEONE IN A TREE AND PENNY AND WOAH DESMONDS AT THE BEACH CAMP FISHING AND HE LOOKS OVER AND CHARLIES FINE OH FUCK THAT WAS ONE OF HIS FUTURE FLASHES
and he goes and asks Hurley about that wire in the sand and hes like did you trip massive balls on those mushrooms Jack warned us about and Desmond gets these flashes of a red light in the sky and a parachute oh wow its just like when he went back in time he got flashes of his future like he was remembering them does that mean hes already lived through the present and he went back in time again and hes remembering stuff thats already happened and Des is like "because someones coming" holy shit and after the awesome intro we open in Desmonds well I guess regular flashback I thought it was when he was in jail but turns out hes training to be a catholic monk wtf and he had taken a vow of silence and the first thing he says is thank you brotha oh so thats where he got that brotha thing from I guess that was like Eko not talking for 40 days after killing two Others or Locke only talking when he has something important to say or Cho never talking because he was fucking awesome and apparently all monks do all day is make buckfast wine and THIS GUY RANDOMLY WALKS UP AND PUNCHES DES IN THE FACE WTF and it turns out that Des had left that guys sister and he tries to explain to her that he became a monk and she calls him a coward for not braking up with her properly

so Desmond gets pissed on the monks buckfast like any good Scotsman would do and this priest guy is like goddamn it we only bottled 108 of those and then he like fires him and he helps move some of these crates of buckfast wine before he leaves and oh man its Penny and he flirts with her a little and they end up going to some Scottish shithole together well that was his flashback it was very realistic since Scottish people get drunk all the time and kinda romantic at the end you know what was more romantic the B-story which was like a highschool teen comedy it starts with Sawyer walking through the camp which is lookin pretty cool they have a kitchen and tables and their tents are looking more like little huts now and he walks in oh OH MAN KATE GETTING DRESSED SO HOT PULLING HER JEANS OVER HER ASS OH MAN AND SHES LIKE ERM EXCUSE ME WHATS UP AND SAWYERS ABOUT TO SAY HIS DICK IS UP BUT HES TOO BUSY STARING AT HER TITS AND SHES LIKE IM UP HERE LMAO GOD MEN ARE SUCH PIGS and he asks her if she told Jack about them and shes like yeh he knows he saw on their surveillance cameras and Sawyers like eww those perverts and since Kate is such a slut at night time she tries and fails terribly at flirting with Jack who doesnt get the hints due to his homosexuality and hes like can you pass me that spoon

AND WOAH KATE LICKS JACKS SPOON CLEAN AND HE LOOKS LIKE SHE JUST ATE HIS GOLDFISH HES LIKE WTF EWW GROSS IM GAY and he goes to sit down with Juliet and Kates like herumf and runs into Sawyers tent and jumps his bones as it were and she sucks his nipples woah hot and in the morning Juliets going DIY crazy on her tent and shes like what did your dad never teach you how to use a hammer and hes like no my dad taught my how to drink and unlike that asian whore from Thailand she doesnt tell him she has no interest in his father she says atleast thats something and Sawyer strolls up and is like are you two arguing over whos your favorite Other lmao and he tells Jack things have changed since he went AWOL I thought he was going to be like I'm the leader of the camp now and shoot him dead but he pulls out oh lol those makeshift ping pong rackets and is like hows your backhand lmao and Jack looks back at Juliet and she smirks at him and hes like HMM I COULD HANG OUT WITH THIS UBER SEXY BABE AND TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH LOLI SHE HAS ON HER HARDDRIVE OR I COULD...

PLAY TABLE TENNIS WITH MY HOT GAY STUD BOYFRIEND LMAO
holy shit this is epic Jack and Sawyer playing ping pong on a gay date this is so romantic and they are playing really well and Jacks like where the fuck did you get a ping pong table from lmao and and Sawyers like from the hatch dumbass IF WE DONT PLAY EVERY 108 MINUTES THE ISLANDS GONNA EXPLODE LMFAO and he owns Jack and hes like finally something I can beat you at oh man these two are so sweet together and Sawyers like its weird being back and Jacks like yeh Kate said the same thing so basically it is a fact that Sawyer was trying to flirt with Jack like Kate but unlike her he is succeeding anyway oh shit I'm already at like 12000 characters well the main story was about Desmond making sure the shit he saw happened idk how else it happened in the future if he didnt know about it and he cant risk changing any of it and oh wow hes going to sacrifice Charlie and he needs Jin and Hurley manages to tell him their going camping and Jin misunderstands camping as lets go shoot up our school lmao Cho joke get it too soon too soon and he gets Charlie and I saw even with the horrible resolution of this video that he was writing like lyrics in a Pearl station notebook I guess Eko brought loads of them back with him with the print log anyway they go walking down the beach and Hurley picks up the cable and is like look out for Crash Bandicoot style spike traps and they make camp and Hurley is of coarse cooking marsh mallows over a fire and Charlie is playing creepy music on his guitar while Jin does the classic torch under the face thing and tells a scary story in Korean about how a guy called Cho took two guns to school once and killed 32 people and hes like and he was Korean and I AM CHO HERE IS MY GLOCK AND HURLEY FUCKING BRICKS HIMSELF LMMFAO and then Charlie goes over to Des whos looking at his pic of Penny and compliments him on his lovely piece of hot posh totty and he tells him that he tried to run away from her because hes a coward but she tracked him down and said with enough money and determination you can find anyone and he hopes that she spent the last 3 years looking for him and then they hear this weird throbbing sound coming from the sky in the distance what the fu

ITS A HELICOPTER THAT THROBBING SOUND IS ITS ROTTERS AND JINS LIKE RESCUE? OH MY SHIT THEY HEAR A HELICOPTER AND THEY HEAR THIS MECHANICAL SCREECHING LIKE A WAILING ALMOST AND HURLEYS LIKE UHH IS THAT HOW A HELICOPTERS SUPPOSED TO SOUND OH LORD NO ITS MAKING THIS WHINING NOISE LIKE ITS ROTTERS ARE FAILING AND THEY CANT SEE IT BUT ITS COMING DOWN AND OH CHRIST IT CRASHES INTO THE OCEAN OH LORD AND HURLEYS LIKE WE HAVE TO GO OUT THERE AND JINS LIKE LOOK LOOK AND POINTS UP AT THAT FLASHING RED THING FALLING IN THE SKY OVER THE JUNGLE AND DESMONDS LIKE OH MY GOD HOLY SHIIIT and Hurley thinks someone ejected from the helicopter before it crashed and Charlies like uhh you cant eject from a helicopter uhh actually you can you fucking idiot hobbit when you eject from something youre pretty much abandoning ship and the rotters detach and fly off before you eject so you dont get dominated by blades dumbass and Desmond thinks its Penny and gets more flashes of Charlie dying and a person hanging in a tree and his pic of Penny and they set off and they find this backpack in a tree and inside theres the Portuguese version of Catch-22 and Jins like walky talky and Hurleys like NO DUDE ITS A SATELLITE PHONE BUT IT SAYS INTERNAL ERROR AND DIES OH SHIT kind of like Boones cell phone didnt work hmm maybe its like being jammed hmm

and Des opens the book and WTF ITS A COPY OF HIS PICTURE WITH HIM AND PENNY and Charlie knows Des thinks its his gf and thats why he doesnt want anything to change and hes like well if your girl gets us rescued why would we want it to and Desmond is like yeh sure and has a flash of Charlie taking an arrow in the throat no Des dont let it happen and Charlie and Hurley start arguing about the Flash vs Superman and Desmond sees the crossbow trap oh man is he going to let Charlie die what if it changes stuff he cant fail his test like that guy in the bible and oh god Charlie steps on the tripwire and Desmonds like

FUCK FATE AND TACKLES HIM AND THE ARROW GOES THROUGH THE NECK... OF HIS GUITAR AND HE SAVED HIM HURRAY holy shit but Charlies raged at him because he fucking knew that was going to happen well wah wah wah he saved your life he stood up to fate for you hobbit faggot but then WOAH THEY FIND THIS PILOT PERSON HANGING IN A TREE LIMP WITH AN OXYGEN MASK ON AND DESMONDS LIKE OH IM SORRY PENNY

and Desmond climbs up and cuts down the parachute and the three guys hold it out and then he cuts down this person in the helmet and theyre caught in the parachute and Hurleys like SHES AWAKE and Des runs down telling everyone to get out the way and this reveal just had to be made into a gif and he tells Penny its ok and he unclips her mask and take off the helmet and

OH SHIT ITS SOME DARKY WOMAN AND SHES LIKE "DESMOND" AND PASSES OUT WHO THE FUCK IS THIS PAKI NIGGER AND DES IS LIKE AYE NAE JOY MATE

LOST 3x18: D.O.C.
highly potent semen special edition
First viewed: April 26th 2007

so I had stumbled upon an avi video for this episode so I was like fuck you lost media I'd take my own screencaptures but I was still binded by this forums terrible 10 image limit rule and I posted this thread for the episode which included raunchy screencaps of Juliets massive bust well this episode starts with Sun in her garden and theres some rustling behind her is it a) Vincent startling her b) Jin come to startle her c) Charlie come to rape her d) Others come to rape her well its e) none of the above its Jack come to bother her and shes like yeh I'm fine and she has a flashback where this old woman blackmails her and is like oh so I guess your husband would be ashamed if everyone found out he was the son of a fisherman and shes like yeh I know I dont care ok and shes like did you know he was also the son of a prostitute? lmao and shes like bring me money or everyone will know you married a whoreson oh shit and Sun proves the saying that with enough money and determination you can find anyone when she gets a file on Jins dad and she goes to see him and hes still in his shitty little fishing village farming WoW gold for a living and he tells her his mother was indeed a whore and hes not even sure he was the father but baby Jin had noone else to raise him hmm I wonder if his real father is Suns dad that would be so hot if they found out they were bro and sis thats more plausible than Jack and Claire having sex since hes gay anyway (you do indeed NOT get screencaps like these from lost-media)

and she gets all this money from her dad in exchange for Jin becoming his "personal assistant" and it turns out that woman was actually Jins mother and Sun did that money determination thing on her too so she was pretty much calling herself a whore and sun pretty much fucking threatens to have her killed which was pretty badass here is a good segway ok Sun marches up to Juliet and she demands to know from Juliet what happens to pregnant women and Juliets like they die lol and Suns like oh right shit and that night she is awoken by Juliet in full blown lesbian rape mode woah hot where she fucking grabs her mouth while shes sleeping in her tent and tells her to be quiet and if that she can help her and her baby but she has to come with her alone right now and Suns like oh fuck

and turns out theyre going to the medical station and Sun says that Kate and Claire told her about that and that its empty but Juliet says theres an ultra sound machine there and shes going to give her a scan to determine the Date Of Conception of her baby and she asks when the last time her and her husband had sex was and Sun is like woah you offended my honor and when they get to the medical station Sun sees the empty fridge down that long creepy hallway with the distressing throbbing lighting effects from the fluorescent lights and she asks Juliet why shes helping her and you know I am 100% gay its just that under this lighting I have to note that Juliet has a fantastic rack anyway she tells her that once when she used to tell women they were pregnant they were happy but on the island when she told Other women they were pregnant it meant they were going to die and Sun blurts out that she slept with another man before the island and Juliets like woah you slut well shes not she says we all make mistakes probably to make up for her molesting all those kids she did off and on the island and then she goes into that locker room Kate found Toms fake beard in and opens a locker and pulls this lever to open this like secret door in the wall behind this set of lockers and Juliet says this hidden room is where they took the women to die and Sun tells Juliet that it cant be Jins because hes infertile and Juliet tells her that the average male sperm count is between 60 and 80 million but on this island its five times that we call that good odds holy shit Juliet talking about cum I just produced a sperm sample for her in my pants and she tells Sun to lift up her shirt and she puts some lube on her stomach woah hot and shes about to give her the ultrasound and Sun says she'll loose either way the babies not Jin and she lives in shame the baby is his and shes fucking dead and Juliet rubs this phallic thing all over Sun it was so hot

and they see the baby and it looks like some sort of demonic blur and it has a heart beat and Juliets like smirking on both sides of her mouth and grinning in a very disturbing/sexy manner and she cant wait for this baby to molest I was expecting her to finger Sun and molest this baby in fetal form and she works out that the baby was concieved 53 days ago and Sun starts crying but they are tears of joy she is just happy that the baby is Jins and then when they are leaving Juliet tells her she basically has two months to live because most of the women made it to the middle of their second trimester oh joy rip sun

and Juliet says shes going back in to clear up or something but really she is getting a dictaphone and oh shit shes leaving a message for Ben saying that Suns pregnant and she concieved on the island with her husband who was sterile before hand and shes still working on getting samples from the other women and she should have Austens soon woah wtf and she stops the tape and says that she hates him owned Ben oh wow I couldnt wait to see her get a "sample" from "Austen" got that would be hot that was a pretty cool story but the B-story was even better which was about the guys with this parachutist and she wakes up and starts muttering in spanish and whining when they move her and Hurley understands her and says she says shes dying and OH FUCK THEY OPEN HER JACKET AND THERES A FUCKING BRANCH STICKING OUT OF HER CHEST AND SHES BLEEDING PROFUSELY and Desmond tells Hurley to look in her bag and Charlie and Jin are saying they need to get her to Jack she might be their rescue but Desmond says they cant move her and he says they need to bring Jack to her but Charlie says its an 8 hour walk one way and he says then I'll run fuck yeah Desmond show them what us scotts are made of lmao he will probably get like to the next tree and then have a heart attack because his training for his race around the world consisted of eating a fish and chippy carry out while jacking off and this bits hilarious I made a gif of it but it had no gay forum shit so dont click this link CHARLIES LIKE NO WAY ITS NOT SAFE IN CASE YOU FORGOT THERES PEOPLE OUT THERE TRYING TO KILL US AND DESMONDS LIKE NO ONE EVEN KNOWS WERE HERE AND JUST THEN HURLEY ACCIDENTALLY FIRES A FLARE UP IN THE AIR

AND THE THREE GUYS LOOK UP AS IT EXPLODES INTO A SMOKEY SIGNAL AND THEY ALL LOOK BACK DOWN AT HURLEY AND HES LIKE "...OOPS"
good going fatass and this darky woman starts babbling in some chinky language and they all look at Jin and hes like Chinese no Korean and they here something in the jungle uh oh its someone walking towards them and Desmond gets out his machete and MOTHERFUCKING MIKHAIL RUNS OUT

AND HES LIKE UHHH FUCK AND LEGS IT AND JINS LIKE CHING CHONG WONG AND RUNS AFTER HIM AND CHASES HIM THROUGH THE JUNGLE AND MIKHAILS GETTING STITCHES AND JINS PLOWING THROUGH AND WHEN HE CATCHES HIM THERES A PRETTY BADASS GIFABLE FIGHT SCENE JIN TACKLES HIM AND MIKHAIL IMMEDIATELY ELBOWS HIM IN THE FACE AND GRABS A STICK AND TRIES TO STAB HIM WITH IT BUT JIN ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY AND HE GRABS IT AND PUNCHES MIKHAIL IN THE HEAD AND GETS ONTOP OF HIM AND GOES TO HIT HIM BUT MIKHAIL GRABS HIM AND SHOVES HIM OFF AND THEY BOTH GET UP AND JIN TAKES A SWING AT HIM BUT MIKHAIL BLOCKS IT AND GRABS JIN AND KNEES HIM IN THE BALLS AND ELBOWS HIM IN THE FACE AND ELBOWS HIM AGAIN AND GRABS HIM BY THE THROAT AND SHOVES HIM AGAINST A TREE AND LIFTS HIM UP BY THE NECK AND STARTS CHOCKING HIM AND HES LIKE YOU GO AN EVEN MORE YELLOW COLOR WHEN IM FUCKING STRANGLING YOU YOU CHINK HOW ABOUT I MAKE THAT FACE OF YOURS EVEN FLATTER HUH YOU FUCKING NIPPER PANCAKEFACED GOOK

AND JINS LIKE CHING MING PANG WONG FING NING NANG WHICH IS TRANSLATED TO LIKE WELL FUCK YOU TOO GHOST SKINNED ROUNDEYED WHITEY AND HE BRAKES HIS GRASP WITH HIS FOREARMS AND HE LIKE DOUBLE KARATE CHOPS THE FUCK OUT OF HIS NECK AND JIN FUCKING ROUNDHOUSE KICKS MIKHAIL FUCK YEAH MOTHAFUCKA AND WHEN DES AND CHARLIE RUN UP JIN HAS HIM IN A HEADLOCK TOTALLY DEMOLISHED
and Desmond has him up against a tree with a flare gun to his chest asking who he is but hes not talking and Charlie informs him that hes the guy who shot Sayid and Kate said he lived in the station Locke blew up hes an Other and Hurleys like I thought Locke killed that guy with the electro fence thingy and the parachutist starts mumbling in italian and Des spots that Mikhail understands her and he says she says shes dying she needs help and hes like I was a Soviet army field medic I could offer you my services and he takes a look and says the branch has punctured her lung and its filling with blood and he makes a deal that if he fixes her they have to let him go

and he asks what she had on her other than the flare gun and Hurleys like just a book and a fancy radio phooone uhh thingy uhh and Mikhails like does it work and hes like like I'd tell you lol good going fuckup and Mikhail tells Des to hold her down while he OH SHIT HE JUST STABS HER LUNG WITH A MASSIVE SYRINGE AND BLOOD SPRAYS OUT AND IT MAKES A HORRIBLE GURGLING SUCKING NOISE AND HE PULLS OUT THE STICK AND SHE SCREAMS HER FACE OFF OH MAN and she moans in portuguese and Mikhail says she said thank you for helping me lol bullshit she actually said I am not alone I read that on the internet btw I dont know portuguese and he says she should be better in a day because wounds are different on this island obv and he says he did as they asked and Des lets him go I guess he does keep his word and Jin looks in the bag and notices oh shit PHONE PHONE AND DES IS LIKE NO LEAVE HIM JIN AND HES LIKE PHONE DAMN IT AND RUNS AFTER MIKHAIL AND CHARLIES LIKE OI LET HIM AND JIN GRABS MIKHAIL AND HE TURNS AROUND AND DES IS LIKE LET HIM GO AND JIN PULLS OUT THE SATELLITE PHONE AND IS LIKE PHONE AND DES IS LIKE OH RIIIIGHT AND CHARLIES LIKE YOU FAGGOT YOU STOLE THIS AND MIKHAILS LIKE HOW COULD YOU RESPECT ME IF I DIDNT TRY OH MAN THAT DICK

AND CHARLIES LIKE HOW ABOUT I TAKE YOUR OTHER EYE WOULD YOU RESPECT THAT AND MIKHAILS LIKE OH SORRY DID YOU SAY SOMETHING DIDNT CATCH THAT SPEAK UP HOBBIT BOY AND CHARLIE RAGES AT HIM BUT DES HOLDS HIM BACK AND CHARLIE SAYS THEY CANT KEEP LETTING THESE PEOPLE GO AND DES IS LIKE WE GAVE HIM OUR WORD AND TELLS MIKHAIL TO FUCK OFF ALREADY AND MIKHAIL GIVES CHARLIE A LITTLE GRIN BEFORE WALKING OFF OH HO HO TENSE
and then they go back and make a stretcher using some sticks and the parachute and its cords and Charlies saying they cant trust the Others they should have killed them and Desmond says brotha by his count youve killed more of them than theyve killed of you and hes right pretty sure Scotts the only one who was killed by them and that was Ethan who was pretty fucking crazy and not following orders I take it but they have kidnapped a shit load of them its cool that Desmonds like impartial to all this because hes only ever heard about the Others and has no beef with them and they dont even know hes there we see how Ben bricked himself when he found out they had a sailboat and Desmonds has just been hanging out with the survivors for like two weeks because the hatch imploded and he has nothing better to do if anything they should resent him since its his fault they plane crashed but I think he only told Locke that anyway this is a great cliffhanger you have to watch

Hurleys playing about with the satellite phone pretending to call his mom lmao and this woman wakes up and asks where she is and Hurleys like oh man uhhh idk youre on an island I guess and he asks if theyre here to rescue us and if she can make her phone work and shes too distressed and just asks who he is and he says hes Hugo Reyes and says he crashed there on Oceanic flight 815 a bunch of them survived and he asks again tentatively if thats why shes there she was looking for them and shes like huh flight 815 the one from Sydney and hes like yeh yeh and shes like no thats not possible and he thinks she means survival and he of coarse thinks of the food first and how they found a hatch with food in it thats why hes still so fat but she says

NO FLIGHT 815 THEY... THEY FOUND THE PLANE... THERE WERE NO SURVIVORS... THEY WERE ALL DEAD! AND HURLEYS LIKE "...WHAT?!"

LOST 3x19: The Brig
purgatory special edition
First viewed: May 3rd 2007

the thread for this episode was getting on the chunky side like this one post and I missed several indepth observations such as this episode begins like the last Micheal episode did with someone whos been with the Others for a while burning some paper and usually the flashbacks are fucking boring but when they are on island flashbacks they are always engaging well it starts 8 Days Ago with Locke being like dad? when he sees his dad tied up and Locke ungags his dad

AND HIS DAD BITES HIM AND TOM TAZERS THE SHIT OUT OF HIS NECK AND HES LIKE DONT TAZE ME BRO and Ben rolls out and tells Locke that theyre going to a new place or an old place and he can come too so 3 Days Ago hes been on this camping trip with the Others for five days and to be honest there really arnt that many Others and they just look like ordinary people and they are living in canvas tents and they are starting to look like the tribal savages they once pretended to be well at least they arnt eating dried fish heaven forbid and Locke was helping Cindy with her tent with his webelo skills and Bens listening to Juliets dictaphone tape and Locke strolls up and asks what he was listening to and for fucking once he actually tells him what the hell is going on he says Juliets determining if any of the women are pregnant then theyre going to take them holy shit you sick fuck and Ben literally stands up to Locke and hes like uh and Ben says he needs to release the hold his father has over him and Lockes like oh yeh I brought him here in the magic box and Bens like lol its a metaphor dumbass and that reminded me of what I'd been saying for about a month to fags with retarded theories and he says when people join them they need to make a gesture of commitment and hes going to have to kill his father and WHAT THE FUCK HIS DAD IS TIED TO THIS BIG COLUMN TOTEM POLL THING

and that night Ben gives Locke a knife and all the Others wake up and gather around and his dad says Bens wasting his time all Locke wants is his daddy and Locke rages and puts the knife to his throat and his dad just says he hasnt figured out where they are yet and Bens like AS LONG AS HES STILL BREATHING YOULL STILL BE THAT SAME SAD PATHETIC LITTLE MAN THAT WAS KICKED OFF HIS WALKABOUT TOUR BECAUSE YOU COULDNT WALK and Lockes cant/wont do it and Ben apologizes to the Others hes not the man they thought he was and 2 Days Ago Lockes bitemarks completely healed and Richard comes up to him and tells him Ben just wanted to put him up there and have everyone see him fail to embarrass him because went word got back that there was a man on that plane with a broken spine who could walk again that person would have to be special hm I wonder if they think Rose is special if they knew about her cancer or like Jins balls lmao and he says Bens been wasting their time with novelties like fertility problems and theyre looking for someone to remind them that theyre there for more important reasons and he says his dad needs to go for that and hands him a file on Sawyer oh shit

and Yesterday the Others are all packing up their temporary looking camp and Ben tells Locke that he has to stay behind and clean up his own mess I guess theyre going to the old place if this isnt it and Locke says he cant just leave him behind and Ben butts in and tells him not to tell him what he cant do wow Ben is fucking ruining Locke I mean as soon as he whipped out the old father card hes just been advanced level trolling him with his walking and playing on all his insecurities about how he wants to be a hunter and even throwing his own catchphrases at him that is the kind of trolling even I have trouble dealing with and Lockes like I thought I was special and Bens like well everyone makes mistakes and tells him theyre leaving a trail he can follow and unless hes carrying his fathers body on his back dont bother wow roy4l wishes he could troll as well as this and Locke is left there with his dad praying that he had a keyboard to quiver behind but now hes just quivering behind nothing he blew up his fucking keyboard thanks to Bens godmode level trolling well today Sawyers waking up next to Kate and I'm not gay but he has weird oval nipples and she goes back to her tent because she cant sleep and Sawyer goes out to take a piss which turned Kate on I guess shes into water sports as well as bondage anyway hes just getting his dick out when fucking Locke pops out of a bush and is like hello James holy fuck does he think hes being smart or something every fucking body knows his birth name is James you read it out of the manifest your not impressing anyone at least the Others like cyber stalked his myspace and Lockes like wanna put your dick away and he peeks at his junk like he did with Jacks and Sawyers like so youre back from your blow up everything that could get us off the island tour and Locke tries to claim that he infiltrated the Others and he says he kidnapped Ben and he wants Sawyer to kill him and he says he read about his father killing his mother and then himself and hes like that must have been hard for you AND SAWYER FUCKING GUN WHIPS HIM AND GRABS LOCKES KNIFE AND HOLDS IT TO HIS THROAT AND ASKS HIM HOW STUPID DOES HE THINK HE IS HES ALREADY BEEN CONNED BY BEN ONCE BUNNY WITH AN 8 PAINTED ON IT LOL AND LOCKE KEEPS SAYING HE NEEDS HIM TO KILL BEN AND HES LIKE YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME JAMES

AND SAWYERS LIKE DONT CALL ME JAMES FUCK YEAH STOP CALLING HIM GODDAMN JAMES YOU CUNTS GODDAMN IT AND HES LIKE WHY WONT YOU DO IT YOURSELF AND LOCKES LIKE I CANT WAH WAH I CANT
and Sawyer agrees to go with him and it turns out WOAH ITS THE BLACKROCK

and Locke opens the door to the brig and theres a guy with a bag over his head shackled in there and Sawyer goes in and Locke closes the door behind him and he starts raging and this guy is mumbling and Sawyer takes the bag off of his head to reveal not Ben but lmao Lockes dad and there is a pretty funny part where Frenchy comes in and they calmly greet each other not too surprised by either and they listen to Sawyer hammering on the door and Frenchies like yeah have fun with that and takes some dynamite and leaves and there is a great scene with Sawyer and well Sawyer

it transpires that hes Lockes dad an he claims he got to this so called island when he was in a car crash and one of the paramedics smiles at him as they take him into the ambulance and pops and IV in his arm and when he wakes up hes tied up and looking at John Locke the man he threw out a window his dead son wtf does he think he killed Locke when he tackled him out that window and Sawyer just looks confused and asks if Lockes dead because he threw him out that window and he says no he survived that but it paralyzed him permanently hes dead because the plane he was on crashed in the pacific what the fuck and Sawyers like yeh well I was on that plane and it crashed on this island but Lockes dad says they found that plane in the ocean and hes in a car crash and wakes up in a pirate ship in the jungle alittle hot for heaven aint it lmao nice purgatory theory dumbass and he tells him he threw Locke out a window because he never got over being conned out of a kidney and Sawyer pricks up at the mention of conning and he asks him his name and he lists all his aliases and oh god one of thems Sawyer and Sawyers like well how about that... SAWYERS MY NAME TOO oh my christ and Sawyer just like completely drops his snarky tough guy attitude and hes not the cocky vengeful guy he is with the Others hes almost child like when he asks if hes ever been to his home town and Lockes dads like yeh dont tell me I'm your daddy lol funny thing is hes more of a father to him than Locke and Sawyers like no... you killed my daddy oh dear god and he takes out his letter the one he wrote when he was like fucking 8 years old and hands it to him and tells him to read it

"dear mr Sawyer you dont know me but I know who you are and I know what you done you had sex with my mother and then you stole my dads money all away and then he got angry and he killed my mother and then he killed himself... BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH" and Sawyer doesnt even look like hes about to cry its like hes beyond crying hes beyond everything hes ever been even that scared little boy hiding under his bed hes just empty and the real Sawyer is like oh what is this you huh wait did you take my name because you were on some kind of revenge kick and Sawyer hollowly tells him to keep reading and he tries to tell him not like hes making excuses or trying to reason with him just like hes explaining why its really no big deal he did that con loads of times its not his fault if he conned his mother and Sawyer says her name was Mary almost like hes recalling a dream and the real Sawyer basically talks shit about his mother and James tells him to read the letter hes not even Sawyer anymore he is James and Sawyer thats his name hes the real one says if his dad pulled the old murder suicide hes sure hes down here somewhere maybe you could take it up with him haha nice purgaFINISH IT holy shit James demanding he finnishes it and oh christ were just beyond names right now this scene is so harrowing I mean really have you ever seen read or heard anything that went beyond names hes yelling at him to finish it and hes like yeh ok AND HE RIPS THE LETTER UP AND ITS AUTHOR GRABS HIM AND WRAPS THE CHAIN AROUND HIS NECK AND HE CHOKES HIM AND LEANS IN AND SAYS "YOU WANNA GO TO HELL? YOU WANNA GO TO HELL?!"

AND HE STRANGLES HIM AND LETS OUT A LITTLE WHIMPER AS HE SQUEAZES THE LIFE OUT OF THE MAN HES BEEN HUNTING FOR HIS ENTIRE LIFE HE PULLS THE CHAIN TIGHTER AROUND THE THROAT OF THE MAN WHO KILLED HIS PARENTS AND HES JUST KILLED THE MAN HE BECAME OH JESUS LORD AND LOCKE OPENS THE DOOR AND LOOKS DOWN AT THE MAN WHO STOLE HIS KIDNEY THE MAN WHO RUINED HIS LIFE THE MAN WHO CRIPPLED HIM HE LOOKS DOWN AT THE CORPSE OF HIS FATHER AND HE SAYS THANK YOU
and Sawyer rushes outside and throws up and Locke tells him that Juliets a mole and says theyll raid the camp for the pregnant women in three days and that he was never undercover hes on his own journey now and gives him Bens dictaphone oh nice and wanders off leaving Sawyer to make his way back to camp where the sort of B-story took place basically the 4 happy campers bring in Sayid and he questions this woman who introduces herself as Naomi Dorrit and she says they found all of flight 815 in the ocean off the coast of Bali and the bodies were all there what the fuck and she said she flew her helicopter from a freighter thats part of her search and rescue team 80 miles west and she was actually searching for Desmond her company was hired by Penelope Widmore who gave them a set of coordinates and theyve been conducting a grid search and they thought it was just open sea until three days ago when she saw land and her helicopter started crashing and Sayid calls instant bullshit and is like yeh and I take it you have no means of communicating with that freighter and she pulls out from her pants not her dick but her satellite phone and is like remind me not to rescue you Sayid

and Sayid turns this sat phone on and it fucking LOUDTMNDs them and oh my god it is such a relief to see a modern piece of computing equipment on this fucking island and it looks just orgasmic its like an iphone but even better

Sayid is like music is my boyfriend music is my girlfriend music is my king sized bed and taps this sexy touch screen and hes tapping the get us fucking rescued button but its just like searching the world for a signal but it cant locate a channel and its just flashing this red light at them and he says somethings blocking their ability to send their own transmission and fucking Kate walks in and Sayid wants her to keep it quite and about a second later she marches up to Jack whos with Juliet and Kate says she wants to speak to him in private and Jack is like no anything you want to say to me you can say in front of her and Kate is like yeh ok stay since youre the reason noone wants to tell you that theres a woman in Hurleys tent who parachuted onto the island and Jack makes an expression that can only be described as "lol wut?!" yeh and if she can phone her boat we will all be rescued lmfao and shes like your friends dont trust you and he doesnt give a fucking shit and she says she had a phone radio thing holy shit you dumb bitch shut up and Juliet turns to Jack and says they should tell her and hes says not yet holy fuck tell her what and he walks off and Juliet smirks the shit out of Kate what the fuck

and the episode ends with Locke picking up his fathers corpse and walking off to the Others camp with his dead dad on his back holy shit

so just after I had finished making the thread for that last episode I got an invite from roy4l to play css and I was chatin to Juliet about cp so I invited her too and roy4l was dominating everyone and being a mean troll with his aimbot and Juliet was like stand up to him ruby do it or Ill tell fanfare youre on a date with me and I was like stfu Jules we are bff4lyf and I sprayed my cool spray of me and fanfare hangin out and roy4l was like nice artfag spray weakling swine and he was probably going to spray his mean troll spray over it when I was like

YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY FANFARE SPRAY went into internet hero bullet time and dived to the right and killed him so his blood only sprayed on me and not my precious princess fanfare and roy4l was so utterly dominated he had to make up some lie about how his computer he had css on had died just to get out of playing with me again and I made a gay thread about it and I think anything else notable I did the week between watching these episodes of Lost was this ytmnd I made for fanfares birthday and she was like oh tee hee ruby

LOST 3x20: The Man Behind the Curtain
aspergers syndrome special edition
First viewed: May 10th 2007

I remember I had to make this thread while completely offline and as I am typing this my internet connection is down again so I guess my modem isnt a fan of Ben or something lmao so let me start I knew this episode was a Ben centric one and it opens with Ben being born in the middle of the wilderness on I assume the island and his mother is bleeding to death and his dad picks her up while she holds baby Ben and runs back to I assume like the Others village but they run out into

WOAH A FUCKING ROAD AND A TRUCK DRIVES BY WTF THEY HAD ROADS AND TRUCKS ON THE ISLAND OH WAIT WE ARE ACTUALLY IN PORTLAND and the last thing she says is to call the baby Benjamin and she dies in his arms and then 10 years later little Benjamin Linus looks like fucking harry potter and hes arriving on the submarine to the island and this hippy comes up and hes like haaaay welcome to the island maaaan namaste woah want some weed maaaan and apparently he gave Bens dad a job with DHARMA and he stopped on that road to help his dying mom and Ben is a shy little Cho selective mutism aspergers syndrome nerd who doesnt talk

its like the 70s and all the new DHARMA employees watch an orientation video with Dr. Marvin Candle telling everyone to stay in their homes that are protected by the sonic fence to keep out the islands diverse wild life and this little cute loli gives 10 year old Ben an apollo bar but he doesnt flirt with her because he is a little aspy boy who cant even make eye contact and Ben goes to DHARMA school where he learns about how adding water to baking soda makes a volcano uhh I think thats of vinegar dumbass and apparently there was a volcano on that island that would be awesome and theres this massive rumbling I thought it was like a failsafe or something but its just the hostiles wait OH FUCK HOSTILES ARE ATTACKING AND THIS ALARM GOES OFF AND THE TEACHER GRABS A RIFFLE WHAT THE FUCK and that night Bens dad is moaning about how he was driving back from the Flame after learning how to flame people on the internet which was still like a military communications network when he drives into a fucking shootout with explosions and shit I dont know why hes complaining about that that would be awesome and his hippy boss is like were having some skirmishes with the natives lol and Ben turns around in his room and I see some blonde woman randomly appear outside a small boys bedroom I just assume its Juliet but its his fucking mom and on his like 11th birthday his dad tells him its hard to celebrate the day you killed your mother kind of reminded me of Kates dad how he was a drunk and she had to take his shoes off for him before she fucking blew him up

so he legs it out to the sonic fence and he hears the whispers and he sees his dead mother on the other side of the sonic fence and she tells him its not time yet and walks off and he does his best dax flame impression MOOOOOOOOM so he gets the password for the fence and tests it with a white rabbit and then literally follows the white rabbit that would have been hilarious if that rabbit got sonic fenced lmao fuckin nedm but he doesnt see his dead mother and he turns around and WHAT THE HELL ITS RICHARD ALPERT AND HE LOOKS THE EXACT SAME AGE shouldnt he be like 7 or something now and hes apparently a Hostile and Ben says he wants to go with him he hates it back at this home and Richard tells him if thats what he really wants he'll have to be very very patient

well talk about fucking patient 20 years later Bens a fucking little nerdy man whos a failure just like his dad a Janitor for DHARMA and he gets in his dads DHARMA van and they stop by a scenic view for some father son beer drinking time of coarse Ben doesnt have any he is a aspy man who doesnt know how to chillax and he looks at his watch and his dad is like HAHA WHAT DO YOU HAVE A DATE YOU FUCKIN VIRGIN and then hes promises to remember his birthday next year because its today and he forgot as usual and Bens like I dont think thats gonna happen and HE PULLS OUT A GAS MASK AND SAYS GOODBYE DAD PUTS ITS ON AND HE PULLS OUT THIS GAS CANISTER AND PULLS THE PIN AND IT SQUEALS OUT NERVE GAS INTO THE VAN AND HIS DADS LIKE WOT AND STARTS COUGHING AND BLOODS LEAKING OUT HIS NOSE AND HES CHOKING AND HE STARTS CLAWING AT HIS SON WHOS JUST SITTING THERE HOLDING THIS CANISTER SPRAYING OUT THE GAS THATS KILLING HIS FATHER HES JUST STARING AT NOTHING AND HIS DADS COUGHING UP BLOOD AND FLAILING ABOUT AND DIES OH DEAR GOD

and he goes back to the barracks and hes walking through oh jesus all the DHARMA workers are laying about their gardens and houses dead with blood streamed from their noses they were all gassed just like his dad and theres a guy still with a hose in his hand and a woman who was like taking the garbage out and hes just strolling about with his gas mask on in this community of corpses and then the Hostiles all emerge with gas masks on too and Richard takes his off and breaths in safe air and hes like the same age as he was 20 years ago and in 10 years and they start collecting the bodies and he asks Ben if he wants them to get his dads body and he tells Richard to leave his fathers body out there jesus christ well the main story wasnt any better its Bens birthday again and hes misplaced his dic(k)taphone so he goes looking for Tom whos just standing there like a retard at OH LOL ITS JOHN LOCKE CARRYING HIS DADS CORPSE OVER HIS BACK AND HE LAYS HIM DOWN INFRONT OF BEN AND SAYS YOU SAID IF I KILLED MY FATHER YOUD TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT THE ISLAND SO WHY DONT YOU START AT THE BEGINNING OH SNAP Lockes back on his fucking A-game today its weird last episode was Locke centric and he was getting fucking owned by Ben but in Bens episode hes about to get rolled on by Locke so they go into Bens tent and theres a very strategically placed wheelchair behind Locke that hes ignoring and Ben says hes not the leader of this little community a man called Jacob but Bens insists that noone else knows where Jacob is or talks to Jacob he fucking does because he was born on this island and Jacob tells him what to do and Lockes like oh yeh and noones ever even seen him and he says you know what I think Ben I think there is no Jacob and that hes the man behind the curtain because if you were telling the truth YOUR HAND WOULDNT BE SHAKING FUCKING OWNED and fucking Mikhail comes running out of the jungle and tells Ben about Naomi and her boat 130 kilometers off shore and her satellite phone and Ben says its ok theyre going in two days to raid them and Locke says they have a date with Jacob and everyones like woah shit and Bens hair is looking sort of purple and I made a hilarious gif about manfare jokes with this scene and Mikhails like fuck this outsi-LOCKE HEADBUTTS HIM AND STARTS KICKING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM AND BENS LIKE UHH TOM BUT TOMS JUST SITTING THERE SIPPING SOME COFFEE AND RICHARD DOESNT CARE EITHER WHILE LOCKES PUNCHING THE SHIT OUT OF MIKHAIL

lmao and as if Ben wasnt owned enough his own not daughter gives Locke a gun and says happy birthday dad he probably kidnapped her because he could never get laid unless its raping Kate over his breakfast table and Locke smartly checks the guns loaded maybe Ben put his daughter up to giving him an empty gun or something and they walk through the jungle at night which is creepy and they walk across this like line of gray powder like gun powder or something and they get to this fucking spooky house shack in the middle of the woods what the shit and Ben warns Locke about turning his flashlight off because Jacob feels the same way about technology as he does and he lights an oil lamp and says to the door that hes here with John Locke and hes coming in now and this is probably one of the scariest things I have ever seen in my entire life they walk into this creepy shack and its dark as the night outside and overgrown with cobwebs and vines and its got a spook atmosphere and a weird dog painting and like fucking jars of bodily fluids like fucking blood and urine and bile

AND BENS STANDING BY THIS EMPTY CHAIR AND INTRODUCES LOCKE TO NOONE AND SAYS ARNT YOU GOING TO SAY HELLO JOHN AND HE LOOKS AT BEN LIKE HE JUST SAW BRIAN PEPPERS FOR THE FIRST TIME AND BEN ASKS IF HE CANT SEE HIM AND LOCKES LIKE WHO AND HES LIKE JACOB AND GESTURES TO THIS LONE CHAIR AND SAYS HES SITTING THERE AND LOCKES LIKE WHAT IS THIS AND BEN SAY HE WANTED THE SECRETS OF THE ISLAND WELL HERE THEY ARE IS HE MOCKING LOCKE OR DOES HE REALLY WANT HIM TO BELIEVE THERES SOMEONE THERE OH MY GOD DOES BEN ACTUALLY BELIEVE HIMSELF THERES SOMEONE THERE HOLY SHIT HES FUCKING PSYCHO AND HE TURNS TO THIS CHAIR AND STARTS CONVERSING WITH THE ITS ABSENT SITTER SAYING LOCKE MADE HIM BRING HIM HERE AND HES ARGUING WITH HIMSELF LIKE HES BEING INTERRUPTED AND LOCKE TELLS HIM HES CRAZY HE DOESNT KNOW SHIT ABOUT THE ISLAND AND BEN STARTS TELLING THIS EMPTY CHAIRS INHABITANT THAT HE CANT HEAR LOCKE IF HES GOING TO TALK OVER HIM AND LOCKE TELLS HIM TO SHUT UP AND ASKS IF HES PUTTING ON SOME SHOW OR DOES HE ACTUALLY THINK THERES SOMEONE THERE AND BEN SAYS HE KNOWS THERE SOMEONE THERE AND HES SORRY THAT LOCKES TOO LIMITED TO SEE AND HE JUST SAYS HES PATHETIC AND GOES TO WALK OUT AND OPENS THE DOOR WHEN HE HEARS THIS DERANGED CROAKY VOICE SAYING HEEEELP MEEEE AND HE TURNS AROUND AND ASKS BEN WHAT HE SAID AND BEN SAYS HE DIDNT SAY ANYTHING AND LOCKES LIKE OH YES YOU DID AND TURNS HIS FLASHLIGHT ON AND SHINES IT IN BENS FACE WHOS LIKE OSHI- AND LOCKES LIKE YOU SAI-OH FUCK THE DOOR SLAMS SHUT AND FUCKING ROPES ON THE WALL START FLAILING ABOUT AND CHAINS ARE RATTLING AND THE WHOLE PLACE IS SHAKING AND THIS FUCKING CHAIR IS ROCKING BACK AND FORTH MOTHER OF CHRIST AND THIS FUCKING JAR OF BILE COMES FLYING AT LOCKE AND BENS LANTERN FALLS ON THE FLOOR AND BURSTS INTO FLAMES AND LOCKES LIKE OSHIIII AND WINDOWS START SMASHING AND THE FIRE GOES OUT RANDOMLY AND EVERYTHINGS SHAKING AND BEN GRABS SOMEONE IN THIS EMPTY CHAIR AND IS LIKE THATS ENOUGH YOUVE HAD YOUR FUN AND IS THROWN BACK AGAINST THE WALL BY AN UNSEEN FORCE

JESUS IN HEAVENS MOTHER OF MY DEAD DOGS DICK LOCKE SEES FOR A SPLIT SECOND A MOMENTARY FLASH OF THIS FUCKING EVIL GHOST MOTHERFUCKING GUY SITTING IN THE CHAIR AND LOCKES LIKE I JUST PISSED MYSELF AND BENS LIKE I JUST SHIT MYSELF AND THIS FUCKING EYE GLARES AT LOCKE AND HE LEGS IT LIKE FUCK HOLY FATHER FUCKING CHRIST ON A GAY NIGGERS BIKE RUNNING OVER MY FAGGOT CAT WHAT THE APESHITTING GOD WAS THAT AND BENS LIKE THAT WAS JACOB
and in the morning Lockes saying that was just all parlor tricks and Ben admits that hes right somethings he tells people arnt true like he wasnt born on the island and Locke asks where he came from then and Ben takes to show him and its WOAH AN OPEN MASS GRAVE WITH ALL THE SKELETAL REMAINS OF THE DHARMA INITIATIVE and Ben says thats where he came from those are his people they came here seeking harmony but they couldnt even coexist with the island original inhabitants and he did what he had to do and that he says he was one of the people smart enough to make sure he never ended up in that ditch "which makes me considerably smarter than you John" oshi-he turns around and draws his knife and BEN SHOOTS LOCKE IN THE ABDOMEN

AND HE FALLS IN THE DITCH AND BEN ASKS HIM WHAT JACOB SAID TO HIM AND LOCKE GASPS FOR BREATH AND SAYS HE SAID HELP ME AS HIS BLOOD SEEPS OUT OF HIM AND BEN IS TAKEN A BACK FOR A MOMENT AND THEN SNIGGERS TO HIMSELF AND SAYS HE CERTAINLY HOPES HE HELPS YOU JOHN AND WALKS OFF LEAVING LOCKE FOR DEAD IN THIS MASS GRAVE HOLY FUCKING SHIT
by now I had a pretty good routine for watching Lost I would find a good place to watch the episode like on dailymotion or wherever load the video and I'd order my pizza one large margherita please and a bottle of irn bru and get the money from my parents of coarse (fuck you m0nde lmao) then I'd get my pizza and pour myself a glass of irn bru and press play you cant get that kind of timing with your faggot ass aired television and once I'd watched the episode I'd download all the podcasts that were released for that episode since its already been out in America by about 20 hours and how I adored those they came close to being almost enjoyable as the episodes themselves such fandom nerdosity condensed into an hour of two faggots discussing Lost how orgasmic and then I'd write this massive wall of text review maybe make a gif and post my thread and the original thread for this episode is the last one safe in the archive and it included guest star reviewer max who thought this episode was "clumsy and convenient" obviously not his real opinion simply a jewish mind game

hmm clumsy and convenient kind of like your peoples 9/11 plot huh

LOST 3x21: Greatest Hits
greatest hits special edition (guest reviewer max!)
First viewed: May 17th 2007

this episode opens with almost all the main characters walking at a leisurely pace through a field and this scene ended in probably the best speech ever and I just had to make a gif of that well Jacks taking everyone out into the middle of nowhere because last episode Sayid told everyone about Naomi and Sawyer plays everyone Juliets tape but when he turned it over it had Bens instructions to mark the tents of any of the pregnant woman so they can take them oh man and Jack calls out oh man its Frenchy and she gets out this like battery or something and sets off WOAH A FUCKING TREE EXPLODES YEAH FUCK TREES and Jack gives this epic speech about how when Juliet told him their plan he thought where the hell are they going to hide this time but thats pointless so he went and got some help from Frenchers whos been getting loads of dynamite from the Black Rock and this is the first time they know exactly what they want and when theyre coming to get it and they have no idea theyre going to be waiting for them so Juliets going to mark the tents but theres not going to be any pregnant women inside theres going to be plenty of what they just used on that tree

so tomorrow night... we stop hiding we stop running we stop living in fear of them... because when they show up... we're gonna blow em all to hell
fuck yeah fuck Others that was an epic speech and the flashbacks in this episode were satisfactorily unintrusive Charlie was writing a list of the top five moments in his life and in the thread I made for this episode I wrote the top five moments in my e-life so I think I'll just update that list well charlies #5 is when he heard their song You All Everybody on the radio for the first time and his brother is like were gonna be bloody rock stars and mine is #5 the time I heard vitafin and roflbrothel fucking over skype still the most erotic three hours of my life and well worth the time I spent with my arm outstretched recording awkward teenaged flirting and moans of pleasure and his #4 is his dad teaching him to swim in Butlins and little 8 y/o Charlie thinks his dads just going to back off and leave him to drown and I thought his dad would be a big dick like everyones dad on Lost and Charlie jumps in and his dad catches him and hes like ur swimming charlie so I guess he just doesnt swim well when going through heroin withdrawal or while saving australian MILFs and mine would be #4 woman calls me a hero on counter strike we're the only surviving members of the ct team and both down to our knifes and the door shatters and there stands the most fearsome aimbotter on the server I charge him fearlessly blade flailing screeching incomprehensible threats about his moms myspace over my mic and my head is blown off before I even draw blood and she comes up behind him and plunges her knife into his back winning the game and she tells me I gave my life for her and I am a hero and everyone even the enemy team applaud me

his #3 is the christmas in Helsinki when he was indeed a bloody rock star and he has a hot threesom with two hot Finnish blonds nice one mate and his brother comes in and gives him his DS ring which actually stands for Dexter Stratton and they named the band after his initials and this is a family air loom his brother wants him to have because Charlies the one whos going to get married and have kids and not die before hes 30 which ironically is the exact opposite thats what happens to his brother whoops spoilers and mine is probably #3 the summer my jews did 9/11 ytmnd was on the history channel a documentary on conspiracy theories uses one of my ytmnds in all its flashing kike ruining glory as a prime example of how anti-semitic the internet can be when it comes to proving that jews did 9/11 and Charlies #2 is when he saw a woman getting mugged and Charlie rushes in and tells him to get the hell away form her and bashes him with his guitar case and the mugger runs off it a cowardly manner and the woman is woah Nadia Sayids gf and she calls him a hero woah nice bro well mine is #2 the year I spent on irc flirting with fanfare a year of standing up to corruptest ops outsmarting the most sophisticated bots dominating the meanest trolls thwarting the most fiendish channel take overs making the most faltering signs freeing the most oppressed palestine all worth it for it was in the name of the cutest girl on irc fanfare

his #1 is meeting Claire on the first night after the plane crash aww and theres still all the fuselage wreckage on the beach and he gives her his blanket and tells her that theyll be alright they'll get rescued aww sweet well my number one greatest internet hit is #1 making this thread if ever there was a way to convey my undying devotion to Lost my love for making threads about it and my lust for replies the making of this thread was it a spiritual journey once known only to native tribesmen and hippies tripping massive balls I experienced the orgasmic experience that was watching all three seasons of Lost in a row and gave each one the mega thread it deserved and I'll be damned if you can find a more mega thread than this one and Charlies writing his own little wall of text down with his sharpie when Naomi comes up and it transpires that theyre both from Manchester and she recognizes him and hes like oh yeh I was a bloody rock god and stuff but no she knows him as the dead rock star and they made a big deal about him after the crash and they released a greatest hits album that was everywhere its good to know Charlie isnt a total failure to the world anymore but he sees Desmond looking over at him and it turns out he had more flashes but they are of Claire and Aron getting into a helicopter and being rescued but the catch (22) is that Charlie has to die for it to happen he dies when hes inside a hatch in an equipments room with a blinking yellow light and he flicks a switch and he drowns oh wow meanwhile everyones stripping wires from the plane wreckage so they can detonate the dynamite from a safe distance and Jack and Juliet are setting it up and she doesnt look like she likes playing operation lmao and Sayid wants to turn off Frenchies distress call so he can work this fucking sat phone and call Naomis boat thats only 80 miles away but Juliet tells them that Bens using one of the DHARMA stations to block all signals off of the island and she says its underwater and she doesnt know where but Sayid gets out those binders he took from the Flame and theres a blueprint for The Looking Glass hatch and Juliet says Ben says its flooded and Sayid says its connected to the island by that cable he found on the beach and he can swim in through this moon pool meant for submarines and even if the stations flooded find a way to turn it off and Jacks like what about getting out and Charlie pops up says he'll do it he can hold his breath for four minutes he can flip a bloody switch but Jacks like no suicide missions damn it and then everyones stripping wire and we see Rose and Bernard for the first time in like a year and he thinks hes an expert in (dog)knots

and then this fucking canoe thing gets ashore and this guy jumps out and Sayid immediately runs and TACKLES THE SHIT OUT OF HIM and Sawyer runs up and hes like damn it I know this kid its Karl oh lol and he tells them his people are coming and Sawyers like yeh we know when your people show up tomorrow night we'll be waiting for them and Karls like tomorrow? no theyre coming tonight... THEYRE COMING RIGHT NOW! oh shi- and we see 6 Hours Ago at the Others camp oh wow and Ben comes strolling in and he gives Alex her gun back who was just cutting up a white rabbit and Ben tells Richard its time to get them Jacob said and he says Locke had an "accident" and he goes up to that dickface Ryan who says if he leaves now he and 10 of his best could hit them by night fall but Richards like what if Juliets not ready and Bens just like then we'll take all their women holy shit and we'll sort out the ones we need later morliek rape them all you sick fuck and if any of the men get in their way kill them so Alex rushes out into the woods where Karls been hanging out and she tells him to go warn the survivors and gives him a kiss and a gun (what else does any man need am I right guys idk maybe a dick up the ass lmao)

and Jacks into major serious business mode and he has to ask Kate if she believes him and Karls like oh yeh dont believe me what about her SHES A SPY and points at Juliet lmao and shes like they know Karl but thanks and smirks the shit out of him and since they dont have enough time to finish the wiring Sayid comes up with the badass plan to shoot the dynamite from the treeline and theres three tents so Sayid has his riffle and Karl takes out his gun and Hurleys like woah shit but he gives them it and Frenchy wants to be their third gun I guess she put the firing pin back into hers but Jack says she has to lead them to the radio tower because everything has to happen at the same time they cant risk loosing the chance of contact with Naomis boat so Charlie has to be still up for his swim and hes all game for it so he calls Aron Turnip Head for the last time and gives him his DS ring and he kisses Claire goodbye and walks off and the third shooter is actually going to be oh lol Bernard who is like an expert marksman because he went pheasant hunting in Montgomery (WE TALKIN BOUT MONTGOMERY, FLEE MARKET, ITS JUST LIKE, ITS JUST LIKE, A MINI, MAWL!) and Rose being the tactical genius that she is goes to dress up Bernard in dark clothes if hes going to be hiding in bushes and Jack wants to stay behind and kill Others but Sayid insists on him acting like a leader and Hurley comes waddling up to Charlie and Desmond and wants to go with them but Charlie says hes too fat to fit in the boat lmao and Hurleys like not cool man aww but Charlie runs up and hugs him and Hurleys like yeh dont even want to go in your stupid boat ok ok love you too man aww hot homoerotic

and then everyones getting ready to roll out and the third shooter is actually Jin yeh fuck yeah hes an awesome choice and he wont die like Bernard probably will and Kates like here we go again lol and Charlie and Des find the cable and follow it in this canoe out to sea and Charlies just finishing his greatest hits list when they get to the Looking Glass hatch

and he gives it to Des and tells him to give it to Claire and he says its the five best moments of his sorry excuse for a life and Des offers to go in his place maybe he keeps seeing him die because hes meant to take his place but Charlie knocks him out with a paddle and gets this bag of rocks and looks down into the sea towards his death and stands there quivering but not like a weakling like a hero as he plunges into his fate

he swims down into the surreal blue and he approaches this weird inverted Hatch and he swims under it but he cant find the moon pool oh god hes running out of breath already hes going to die before he can even get inside the thing never mind turn it off and looking around amongst these tanks and iron girder stilts and he sees is almost like a stargate and he swims up oh god hes not going to make it but ITS NOT FLOODED HES ALIVE OMG HE CLIMBS OUT THIS POOL WHILE LAUGHING HIS FACE OFF AND THEN HE SCREAMS IM ALIVE IM ALIVE IM ALIVE AND THEN OH SHIT A DOOR OPENS AND THIS BLOND WOMAN RUSHES OUT WITH A GUN ON HIM AND THE LIGHTS COME ON AND THERES ANOTHER WOMAN WITH A RIFFLE AND THEY BOTH HAVE HIM AT GUNPOINT AND HES JUST LAYING THERE

CHARLIE PUTS HIS HANDS UP AND HES LIKE "OH HI LADIES GUESS I GET TO HAVE ONE LAST THREESOME FOR MY GREATEST HITS HUH" OH SHIT

I was so fucking pumped for this episode and I was dodging epic spoilers like a nigger doges work I had to go into an into a monk like trance to avoid getting the big finale ruined for me but I manged to do it and I went through my routine but this time I left my mp3 player on record to monitor my imminent squeals of joy and shock and this was the product of that experiment:


LOST 3x22: Through the Looking Glass
finale special edition
First viewed: May 24th 2007

at the start of this episode my mind was running at a billion miles an hour we see a bearded Jack taking a drink on a plane and its an Oceanic flight I was thinking what the fuck is this like Jacks clone about to die in the plane crash that was found in an ocean trench off the coast of Bali is this an alternate reality Jack thats about to go through a wormhole or something well either way hes an alcoholic like his dad and the flight attendant isnt as nice as Cindy she doesnt give him another drink but a news paper instead and WOAH THERES TURBULENCE OH FUCK IS HE GONNA CRASH well apparently not oh I know what this is this is Jack coming back from Thailand and thats why he looks like such a mess and they land in LA and he sees this news paper article that he rips out

and hes driving along in his shitty car and he pulls over on a bridge and he takes out this news paper clipping and starts crying like he just got banned from IGN and he gets out his pretty sweet celly and calls someone but he gets irl 0 replies and hes such a fucking loser he cant even leave a fucking answering message and he gets out his car and walks over to this bridge and oh god he gets up on this bridge and HES ABOUT TO JUMP OFF OH GOD HES GOING TO KILL HIMSELF NO DONT DO IT JACK I DONT CARE IF YOURE GAY AND STILL IN THE CLOSET YOURE MY FAV CHARACTER well obviously he doesnt kill himself because we already know he goes to get his dad in Australia but hes like "forgive me" oh loA CAR CRASHES BEHIND HIM AND HE TURNS AROUND AS IT BURSTS INTO FLAMES AND THERES THIS KID SCREAMING AND A WOMAN CRYING FOR HELP AND HE JUMPS BACK ONTO THE BRIDGE AND SAVES THEM NICE ONE JACK well I guess Jacks always been an epic hero but his life was still pretty shitty hes at the hospital getting stitches for a gash in his head and the doctor does a shitty job Mikhail does better stitches than that and she tells him that the news people are waiting outside what with him being a hero and all and then Jacks exwife Sarah comes and shes fucking pregnant and right now I thought maybe this is like Jacks clone back in the real world right now covering up for him or something but nope his exwife knows hes been drinking again and he asks for a lift home but she says thats not appropriate lol wow Jack was a massive failure I thought but at least hes still a doctor and he wants to do the surgery on the woman he saved but he cant even hold the chart without popping some pills House style and this nigger chief of surgery doctor comes in who I guess only got the job because Jack had his dad fired and he calls Jack a hero twice over oh yeh he saved that womans kid too but he wont let him do the surgery Gary Nadler is wait isnt Bernards last name Nadler anyway Jacks like fuck Gary Nadler and the nigger doc tells him to go home and have a drink lmao

but he doesnt he goes to fucking compton while listening to some Nirvana in his shitty car and here is a little bit of trivia I stole from the internet that numberplate 2SAQ321 that is the same numberplate that was on Trish from The 40-Year-Old Virgins car and it was also on one of the mini coopers in the big chase scene in The Italian Job how do you like them apples anyway he pulls up by some gangsta ass niggers outside this funeral place called Hoffs/Drawlar so I guess that scrap of paper was an obituary which as we all know is the best bit of the paper (advanced level Helen joke) and Jack almost gets hit by a fucking car and when he walks in its empty theres just a coffin and the funeral director says noone turned up and asks if its friend or family and he says neither I was thinking like its his dad but hes not dead yet so who is it and he pops another pill but its his last one

so he goes to the chemists to get more Vicodin but his prescription ran out and this fat guy is like oh yeh youre that hero arnt you but Jack says hes no hero and the fat guy is like no you are me and my mom saw you on TV and he tells the woman to give him whatever he wants do you know what this guy did wow all he did was save a woman from a car crash and shes like you cant write a prescription for yourself and hes like no I'm JACK Shepard thats my fucking dad and shes about to call his office and hes like uhhh hes out of town and shes still gonna call and hes like FUCK IT and slams the desk and he tries to stagger out but lmao he falls into a fucking display of glasses so he goes back to the hospital to steel drugs and hes knocking shit over stumbling about when that nigger doc comes up and tells him the woman he saved woke up and said she crashed because she was distracted by a guy about to jump off the bridge lmao and Jack goes on this rant about how long hes worked there and what hes been through wow big deal some gooks beat you up in Thailand who cares and the nig is like how much have you had to drink and Jacks like OK TELL YOU WHAT YOU DO THIS YOU FUCK OFF BACK TO AFRICA YOU FUCKING NIGGER SPOOK ok not really he tells him to get his father down there and see if hes drunker than he is and hes like YOU CANT HELP ME

and all these paki doctors are like uhhh (guest star m0nde itt) and Jack storms off wow his life was a total fucking mess its a good thing most of this episode was about Jack now when he is a fuckin hero and all like 40 of the survivors are packing up getting ready to leave the camp and he goes to talk to Sayid who makes him promise not to come back for him no matter what hes willing to give his life if it means securing them rescue and Rose is making Bernard say "I am a dentist I am not Rambo" rofl and Karls still with them and hes packing water and shit and Frenchy is with them and shes eyeing Hurley rocking the baby but in a nice way and he tells Claire Charlie will be ok and Sun asks Jin why hes doing this and I thought I caught her saying desu there anyway Jin says in english "because... we have... to go home" oh wow and Juliet watches the asians kiss and Naomi is still with them playing snake on her phone wow the gangs all here and uhh Kate too and they're all ready and Jacks like "alright... lets do it" waiting for him to say leeeeeerooooy and even Vincents there with Hurley and Sawyer comes out his tent after packing up all his porno list of the hottest sites on the coconut internet and they all march off down the beach

leaving the three shooters at their deserted beach camp and theres that awesome sucking sound effect and that slamming thing that is so awesome it gets me pumped every time and so they are all walking along and Naomi has to explain to Jack how to work this satellite phone well its really complex you switch it on with the on button and she looks at him like shes talking him through defusing a nuclear warhead and then you pretty much just push the call button and Jacks like uhhh thats it yep once the rock star has turned off whatever underwater contraption is jamming it the red flashing light will turn green and shes like that should be any time now right and if to answer her question cut to Charlie living out my femdom fantasies tied to a computer chair getting the shit punched out of him by a hot chick woah

and the black haired one tells him if he tells them how he got down there they wont hurt him and he says he came in his invisible submarine lmao and the hot blond one who kind of looks like Jacks wife punches him in the face again wow I bet the little hobbit has a raging boner I know I would and she refers to him as "one of them" so I guess both sides share that mentality and she gets up in his grill really intimidating like pretty hot tbh and asks how he knew about that station and he said Juliet told them and she fucking backhands him again fucking hot and she goes to call Ben and I noticed that she walks through the door to this little room chamber thing but in the next shot she has to open the door anyway Charlie looks over at that yellow blinking light oh man and Bens writing in his diary about how hard having aspergers is when his radio squawks on (haha sqauk squak suck my feathery dick) and hes like why are you braking radio silence and she tells him one of thems down there and hes like WHAT like you can tell hes owned because he doesnt say sorry hes like WHAT and he asks which one and she says he wont tell them and fucking Charlie yells "its Charlie! tell him I said hi!" lmao and Ben hears and hes like how di...how does he know about the station goddamn it shit lmao fuckin owned and she says Juliet told him and he tells Mikhail (who was just playing chess with Richard and I imagine Mikhails really good at chess since he had to win a game against a computer every time he wanted fresh toilet paper) to go down there and torture the shit out of Charlie and hes like I thought it was flooded and Ben actually has to admit that he lied which must damage his Others street cred badly and Mikhail says he'll be there by dawn but asks what else did Juliet tell them about and Ben bricks himself and tries to radio general dickface Ryan but his radio is off and oh god they are right outside the camp like 10 Others and Toms there and like those no name faggots Jason and Aldo and some Other chick who says Juliet did her job there are three tents marked and Ryans like lets do this and they move out and theyre all togged up in their Others gear but I think they have shoes and shit and Toms not wearing his scary santa beard oh yeh ps merry christmas fuck you and oh shit theres the dynamite by the tents and theres Sayid with his awp and Bernard with his riffle and Jins just got a shitty handgun and theyre camping spawn and oh god the Others are swarming all over the beach camp in full raiding mode oh lord and they notice its rather quiet and Ryan pokes someone in their bed but oh shit its a fucking coconut and a pillow and Sayids looking through his scope at this Other chick with her injection gun and she opens a tent and shes like its empty and Ryans like get away from the te-SAYID SHOOTS THE DYNAMITE AND THE TENT BLOWS UP KILLING THREE OF THE OTHERS FUCK YEAH

RYANS LIKE ITS A TRAP NO SHIT SHERLOCK AND BERNARDS LIKE PLEASE GOD AND FUCK YEAH HE SHOOTS THE DYNAMITE AND ANOTHER TENT EXPLODES

AND BLOWS THE SHIT OUT OF THE OTHERS FUCK YEAH BERNARD
AND JIN SHOOTS AT THE LAST DYNAMITE BUT HE MISSES COME ON BRO SHOW US THAT LEGENDARY KOREAN MARKSMANSHIP AND HE TRIES AGAIN BUT HE CANT HIT IT WITH HIS SHITTY STARTING PISTOL CHO IS ROLLING IN HIS GRAVE OH GOD AND THIS OTHER STARTS SHOOTING AT JIN AND HE TAKES COVER

HE POPS OUT LIKE FUCK YOU ROUNDEYES AND FUCKING SHOOTS THE SHIT OUT OF HIM AND THIS OTHER IS LIKE NOOO HE WAS MY GAY BOYFRIEND AND SPRAYS AND PRAYS WITH AN AK AND JIN DUCKS UNDER THIS CHUNK OF PLANE WRECKAGE AND ROLLS UNDER IT AND BLASTS THAT OTHER AWAY FUCK YEAH JIN
BUT THEN RYAN WHACKS HIM WITH THE BUTT OF HIS RIFFLE AND HE GRABS HIM AND HAS HIM AT GUNPOINT AND YELLS I GOT YER MAAAN AND BERNARDS LIKE FUCK THIS SHIT AND LEGS IT LIKE FUCK BUT TOM CLOTHESLINES HIM AND STOMPS HIM OH SHIT AND RYANS GOT JIN AND HES LIKE I GOT YER MAAAN AND SAYID TURNS ON HIS AIMBOT HOLY SHIT FUCKING KILL THAT CUNT SAYID DO IT

BUT FUCK JASON COMES UP BEHIND HIM AND HAS HIM AT GUNPOINT AND TELLS HIM TO GET HIS SANDNIGGER FINGER OFF THE TRIGGER OH SHIT
and a few miles away on a hill top everyone else is looking on and theres two big columns of smoke and Rose is like there was suposed to be three explosions and Kates got a hoodie on for once and she says it didnt work and Jack says maybe they didnt need to blow the third tent and Rose is like what about those gunshots and Jack tries to insist that Bernards ok but Sun doesnt think he believes that and Jack says the Others didnt know they were coming and that theyre husbands are with Sayid they'll be fine just a couple of hours behind them and Suns wants to wait for them here but Jack says they have to stick to the plan noone gets left behind and Rose is like "if you say live together die alone to me Jack I'm gonna punch you in yo face" and Jacks like fare enough but he tells everyone they had a plan and for all they know it worked and tries out his shitty bedside manner and tells everyone its all going to be ok and as everyones leaving the hill with the flaming beach in the distance Naomi checks her sat phone and its still blinking red

speaking of blinking red well yellow ok fucked that segway up uhh anyway Charlies in the Looking Glass Hatch and the hot blond tells him shell ask him this one more time why are you here and Charlie has been getting punched in his hobbit face for about an hour and he says hes there to turn off their jamming equipment and he says what ever those ladies do to him hes going to turn it off thats kind of cool he thinks it is inevitable that he turns it off and the blond ones like oh ok then whats the code and Charlies like lol wot and shes like well if your going to turn it off your gonna need the code and only me and her and Ben know it and Charlie says it wont matter this whole station will be flooded and he turns off their shit and gets his friends rescued and shes like well if this stations flooded what happens to you and he looks at her really deviantly and says he dies woah badass cut to Ben being like WHAT again and Toms on the radio telling him they killed 7 of their people and Jack and his guys are gone and Ben works out that Juliet betrayed them and he tells them they have three of them and he wants them to figure out where they are and dickface mcdoogle Ryan picks up Sayid and puts a gun to his chest and calls him junior and before he can even finish his question SAYID SPITS IN HIS FACE FUCK YEAH and Ryan gun whips him in the face god what a dick and Ben asks who they have and Tom says Jarrah Kwon and the dentist lol and Ben without hesitation or even thinking about it says SHOOT KWON IF YOU WANT THEM TO ANSWER QUESTIONS SHOOT KWON DO IT NOW

and Ryan puts his gun to Jins head and hes like CHIRAGARADORAJIRA and Ryans like idk what that means but Im sure its lovely wow what a dickhead and Bernards like no he catches me fish and stuff and Jins like NO NO TALK and Ryans like sayonara to Jin because hes a racist thats japanese holy shit and Bernards fucking spills the beans he says theyre going to the radio tower and they have a satellite phone and even tells them about Karl good going jackass you could have said they went to the pearl station and your fucking mom warned them so Ben gets out this treasure map thing and starts making his plans to intercept Jack and his friends to talk them out of it and tells Richard to take everyone to "the temple" woah awesome as planned and Alex demands to go with her dad and hes like yeh ok and back with the survivors Kate is whining about maybe being pregnant and Sawyer actually calls her by her actual name I guess hes grown up a lot or just dropped his gimmick since he killed Lockes dad haha Kate I guess you dont like it when he uses your real name huh that teaches you for calling him James a billion times and Sawyer tells Jack hes going back to the beach and they just sort of eye each other up and I thought they were about to make out when Kates like oh teehee let me come and Saywers like no fuck off I bet he wants Jack to go with him and Juliets says theres a hidden cache of guns they could use woah a like armory fuckin badass I couldnt wait to see all the awesome shit they had in there anWOAH JULIET KISSES JACK AND SHE LIKE SMIRKS AS SHE KISSES HIM and tells him not to wait up and walks off and Jack only looks mildly violated like maybe he was only put on faggot patrol for a day and Sawyers walking along with Juliet and he asks her what they were breaking rocks for and she says theyre building a runway and HES LIKE A RUNWAY FOR WHAT AND SHES LIKE FOR THE ALIENS AND SAWYERS LIKE WOAH NICE THEORY AND SHE SMIRKS HIM INTO OBLIVION WITH AN EPIC SMIRK and then he tries to get his own back SAWYERS LIKE SO ARE YOU SCREWING JACK YET AND JULIETS LIKE NO ARE YOU LMFAO AND SAWYER DOESNT FUCKING ANSWER HOLY SHIT well that pretty much proves it and asks how long until they get to the guns and shes like there are no guns lol and

LMAO HURLEY COMES WADDLING UP and he wants to come with them theyre his friends too he can help and Charlie wouldnt let him go with him and Jacks too busy leading to even talk to him he just wants to help and Sawyers like for god sakes Hugo look at you your just going to get in the way wow he didnt even make a fat joke and he even called him Hugo wow Hurley is such a fucking failure after 17 years of stuffing his face with apollo bars hes too fucking fat to fit in a boat or even walk through the jungle I bet that fat sack of lard is going to go eat DHARMA ranch dressing until he dies that fucking fatty and then we see Ben and Alex he tells her he did all that shit to Karl because he didnt want him to get her pregnant so I guess the moral of the story is teenage pregnancy is bad so I guess they dont have DHARMA brand condoms lmao theres a great scene with Locke where he is laying in that mass grave with gunshot wound in his stomach and he cant even move his fucking legs and after all the bullshit hes been through hes back to where he started some fucking old bald loser who cant even walk he might as well be back in his shitty apartment eating TV dinners jacking off to Nikkis shitty tv show and he sees this rusty old revolver still on the belt of a dead DHARMA member and he manages to reach over through all these skeletal remains and he checks this old gun and its full of bullets so he almost forces it down on his head hes surrounded by the dead and hes about to join their ranks HES ABOUT TO END IT ALL AND HE DIDNT EVEN GET TO POST ONE FINAL MYSPACE BLOG AND HE LOOKS LIKE HES ABOUT TO SHIT HIMSELF HES GONNA DO IT HES GONNA KILL HIMSELF...

and theres whispers everywhere and hes almost ready to die when OH SHIT ITS WALT THE NOT SO LITTLE NIGLET AND HE TELLS LOCKE TO PUT THE GUN DOWN AND HE DOES AND HE TELLS LOCKE TO GET UP AND HES LIKE HE SHOT ME AND I CANT MOVE MY LEGS WAH WAH WAH AND WALTS LIKE YOU CAN MOVE YOUR LEGS NOW GET OUT OF THE DITCH JOHN AND LOCKES LIKE WHY MY LIFES A SACK OF SHIT AND WALTS LIKE BECAUSE YOU HAVE WORK TO DO

LOCKE LOOKS LIKE HE JUST CAME HIS PANTS TIME FOR ONE LAST JUNGLE ADVENTURE HUH OLD CHAP
well that was like the twist ending to the first hour of this finale but usually the B-story in Lost is shit and can be summed up in a sentence but not this one damn it Desmonds waking up in that canoe thing after being passed out for like a day and he has Charlies greatest hits in his pocket and he looks down at the Looking Glass Hatch at the bottom of the seabed oh maOSHI-SOMEONES SHOOTING AT HIM ITS FUCKING MIKHAIL CAMPING WITH AN AWP AND DES ALMOST GETS SHOT IN THE ASS SO HE DIVES IN

and he swims down to it by pulling on the anchor cable and he swims under this hatch and he almost doesnt make it again I know how fucking scary being under something under water is I swam under a big pool toy as a kid and almost drowned it was hilarious and he comes up in the moonpool and sees Charlie tied up and hes like bloodly hell mate and Charlies spinning around on this comp chair telling him to hide theres people in there and Desmond hides in this locker and the two chicks were arguing and they storm out and Charlie switches from yelling at Des to hide to singing You All Eeverybody lmao and the blond one demands to know who who he was talking to and hes like just singing lol and she looks at him with utter disgust and fucking backhands him again and tells him to shut up and Charlies like yes mistress and shes like ugh get the spear gun and her friend is like why and she gives Charlies hobbit genitals a glance and says because she wants it to hurt woah fucking hot but oh shit shes going to the locker Desmonds in and Charlies like no I'll shut up and just as shes about to open it when oh lol Mikhail pops up out of the moonpool and hes like wtf I thought you two were in Canada lmao is that just like their Others cover story did Ben just like throw a dart at a world map and say "ok guys if you need to lie about where youre from or where youre going just say Canada" because thats where Ethan and Goodwin said they were form I think and Mikhail demands to know where his friend went and he gets out a knife ready to fuck Charlie up but hes like oh hello again heres a better question to ask cyclops why did youre little friend Ben tell you this place was flooded and have these two jamming the communications off of the island so he goes to radio Ben and he tries to tell him that the island is under assault by forces stronger than anything its had to deal with in many many years and they have to protect it and you can tell Ben likes doing his advanced level Others trolling he makes sure to call him by name a lot and when he pauses he asks if hes still there to make sure he gets a response and he tells him he needs him to kill Charlie and Greta and Bonnie too and Mikhail looks especially badass with his hair slicked back and his manly scars in his like combat vest and he puts his eyepatch on his right eye which is like fused shut with scar tissue around the socket so I guess that glasseye Libby found wasnt his since it wouldnt fit in anyway Bonnie the blond one is like can we kill him but Mikhail just asks why they would stay down here and she says because she trusts Ben and Jacob and the second they start questioning orders this whole thing falls apart and he says "she makes an excellent point"

OH SHIT HE PULLS OUT HIS GUN AND SHOOTS GRETA AND SHE FALLS BACK INTO THE MOONPOOL DEAD AND BONNIE LEGS IT LIKE FUCK BUT HE SHOOTS HER IN THE BACK AND HE STANDS OVER HER AND SAYS IM SORRY BONNIE I TOO AM FOLLOWING ORDERS OH CHRIST

AND FUCKING DESMOND POPS OUT THE LOCKER BEHIND HIM WITH THE GODDAMN SPEARGUN AND YELLS HEY BRO AND MIKHAILS LIKE WTF AND DES SHOOTS HIM IN THE CHEST WITH A FUCKING SPEAR FUCK YEAH DESMOND meanwhile Jack and the party of like 40 are marching to the radio tower and Frenchy says theyre almost there but she wont be leaving with them because the islands her home now I guess shes right she is pretty fucking crazy she would proWOAH SHIT BENS JUST STANDING RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF THEM AND HES LIKE JACK WE NEED TO TALK holy christ and Ben immediately tries to talk to Naomi but Jack warns her not to and Ben says he just killed seven of his people the least he could do is give him five minutes so they go to have a chat and Jacks like let me guess you've got them surrounded and if I dont do what you say youre going to kill all my people haha nice Jack but Ben says the woman who parachuted onto the island isnt who she says she is a representative of some people who want to find the island shes one of the bad guys and Jacks like oh yeh I almost forgot youre the good guys lol and Ben says he needs to go get that phone but he refuses and stands up and Jack stands up and theyre both facing off against each other the leaders of these two groups of people holy shit and Ben tells Jack that his friends Jin Sayid Bernard are being held at gun point oh lord and he turns on his walky talky and Sayids yelling over it to not give them anything and Ryan kicks him and Bernards like leave him alone and Bens getting a massive troll boner ITS TIME TO TROLL IN GODMODE

AND JACKS LIKE AND WHATS TO STOP ME FROM JUST SNAPPING YOUR NE-BEN SAYS INTO HIS RADIO TOM IF YOU DONT HEAR MY VOICE IN ONE MINUTE SHOOT ALL THREE OF THEM AND JACKS LIKE SHIT AND BEN PUTS THE WALKY DOWN AND THEY CAN HEAR THEM GETTING RAPED ON THE OTHER END AND BEN GETS HIS FUCKING WATCH OUT AND HES GOT LIKE 50 SECONDS LEFT AND BEN TELLS JACK TO BRING HIM THE PHONE AND SAYID YELLS OVER THE WALKY NOT TO NEGOTIATE BUT RYAN GAGS HIM AND BENS LIKE 40 SECONDS AND JACKS LIKE NO IM GETTING THEM ALL OFF THE ISLAND ALL OF THEM OH GOD DO IT JACK STAND UP TO HIM WAIT OH GOD WHAT IF HE KILLS THEM OK FUCK AND BEN GOES INTO TITAN LEVEL TROLLING MODE AND HES LIKE WHY DO YOU EVEN WANT TO LEAVE THE ISLAND YOU ARE A MASSIVE LOSER YOUR DADS DEAD YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU CAN YOU JUST NOT WAIT YOU GET BACK TO THE HOSPITAL TO GET BACK TO FIXING THINGS 20 SECONDS NOW JUST GET ME THE PHONE JACK BUT HE SAYS NO 10 SECONDS BRING ME THE PHONE NO IM NOT BLUFFING I WONT 5 DO IT 4 JESUS CHRI-3 NO AND THREE SHOTS RING OUT OVER THE RADIO OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD AND BENS LIKE OH IM SO SORRY JACKS LIKE DINORAAAAAAAAAGE AND LUNGES AT HIM AND GRABS HIS THROAT AND TACKLES HIM OVER AND STARTS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF HIS JEW FACE HE PUNCHES HIM LIKE NINE TIMES HOLY FUCK RAGED

AND JACK LOOKS LIKE HIS ENTIRE GAY PORN COLLECTION WAS JUST DELETED AND HE STAGGERS OVER TO THE RADIO AND ASKS IF TOMS THERE AND HE SAYS YEH HE IS AND HE GIVES THIS EPIC SPEECH "IM GOING TO LEAD MY PEOPLE UP TO THE RADIO TOWER. AND IM GONNA MAKE A CALL. AND IM GONNA GET THEM ALL RESCUED. EVERY ONE OF EM. AND THEN IM GONNA COME FIND YOU. AND IM GONNA KILL YA"

so Jack comes stomping back to the rest of the survivors with Ben by the scruff of the neck and throws him in the ground and tells them to tie him up and he walks off and Alex who was hanging out with Karl bends down and Frenchy comes over and Bens like Alex this is your mother and she just kind of strokes her face in amazement and Alex is just shocked and Danielle who finally has her daughter back after 16 years says "will you help me tie him up?" lmao and Kate follows Jack and tends to his bleeding knuckles and he tells her that he killed them he radioed the beach and he let it happen and they cant let anyone know they have to keep moving and Kate who you must remember has murder in her heart asks why he didnt just kill him and Jack out murder in hearts her by saying he wants him to see it the moment they get rescued so he know hes failed and then he'll kill him holy shit and back at the beach camp theres horribly burnt corpses everywhere and Ryans saying they had to do it it was an order but Toms saying look what they did to us instead of putting three bullets in the sand they should have killed them for real OH FUCK BERNARD SAYID AND JIN ARE ALL STILL ALIVE and Sawyer and Juliet are looking on as Jason has the three hostages at gun point and Ryan and Tom are in front of them discussing what to do and Saywers like theyve just got three people and four guns and Juliets like and we have two people and no guns and Sawyers like well we'll wait till night and Juliets like uhh yeh thats not gonna help and then Sawyer years this humming noise coming from behind them wtf and hes like you hear that and they turn around and it sounds almost like an engiHOLY SHIIIIIIIT ITS HURLEY IN THE MOTHERFUCKING DHARMA VAN FUCK YEAH AND HE COMES RACING OUT THE SHRUBBERY AND HE PUTS THE PEDAL TO THE GODDAMN METAL AND BURSTS THROUGH A TENT AND STUFF FLYS EVERYWHERE SHIT JUST KICKED IN YO AND TOMS LIKE FUCK ME SIDEWAYS AND DIVES OUT THE WAY AND RYANS LIKE HOLY SHIT LOOK WHO ESCAPED FAT CAMP ROFL

AND HURLEYS LIKE THIS IS FOR 17 YEARS OF FAT JOKES AAAHHHH AND RYANS SHOOTING AT HIM AND BULLETS ARE WHIZZING OFF THIS FUCKING VAN AND THE WINDSCREEN SHATTERS AND HURLEYS LIKE S MY D


AND MOTHERFUCKING HURLEY RUNS OVER THAT FUCKING CUNT RYAN WITH THE GODDAMN DHARMA VAN FUCKING JESUS CHRIST HOLY GODDAMN SHIT FUCK YEAH HURLEY FUCK YEAH
AND JASONS LIKE NOOO HE FUCKED ME UP THE ASS NICELY AND SAWYER RUNS UP AND TELLS HURLEY TO STAY IN THE BUS HERO AND HE GETS RYANS GUN AND JASONS COMING AROUND OH SHIT AND SAYID FUCKING KICKS HIM IN THE SHINS AND TRIPS HIM UP AND JASONS REACHING FOR HIS GUN BUT SAYID FUCKING GRABS HIS HEAD WITH HIS LEGS AND STARTS THROTTLING HIS THROAT BUT HES ALMOST GOT HIS GUN AND

SAYID SNAPS JASONS FUCKING NECK WITH HIS FEET FUCK YEAH SAYID HOLY SHIT
AND TOMS CRAWLING TOWARDS HIS LUGER PISTOL BUT FUCKING JULIET POPS UP AND TAKES IT AND HES LIKE SHIT AND HE SITS UP IN FRONT OF SAWYER AND SAYS OK I GIVE UP BUT SAWYER SHOOTS HIM IN THE CHEST AND SAYS THATS FOR TAKING THE KID OFF THE RAFT AND TOM DIES HOLY FUCK

AND HURLEYS WALKS OVER INFRONT OF ALL THIS CARNAGE AND IS LIKE DUDE IT WAS OVER HE SURRENDERED AND SAWYER JUST SAYS I DIDNT BELIEVE HIM
and Jack and the survivors are all walking along when Jacks radio squawks with "ATTN OTHERS. COME IN OTHERS. IF YOURE LISTENING TO THIS I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WE GOT YOU BASTARDS. AND UNLESS THE REST OF YOU WANT TO BE BLOWN UP. YOU BEST STAY AWAY FROM OUT BEACH." HOLY SHIT ITS HURLEY TALKING SHIT ON MIC TO THE OTHERS LMMFAO and Jacks like lol wut and Hurleys like oh dude I'm back at the beach I went back to help Juliet and Sawyer and I saved them and Jacks like thyre ok and Hurleys like yeh me and Sawyer whos just chilling out at the DHARMA van drinking some DHARMA victory beer lmao Juliet Sayid who are collecting the Others dominated corpses Jin Bernard who are hangin out and Jacks like wait what Sayid Jin and Bernard and Hurleys like yeah dude I told you I saved them all fuck yeah Hurley and Jack tells him to stay there and Hurleys like yeh ok we'll hang out until you like you know phone home lmao and Claire gets on th radio and asks if Charlies ok and Hurley says hes sure he'll be paddling home right now

well he's not he was convincing Bonnie to give him the code by telling her friends dead and shes dying because her glorious leader Ben put Mikhail up to it and asks her if shes a sodding idiot because she can make him very very angry and shes losing consciousness but she giggles and spouts this massive irl wall of text list of numbers and Charlies like uhhh and she says Good Vibrations by The Beach Boys on the keypad the numbers are notes it was programmed by a musician and then she dies and so they respectfully place blankets over the dead girls and just lave Mikhails harpoon penetrated body and Charlie goes to tap in Good Vibrations while Des gets some diving gear ready and Charlies like got any more flashes mate and Des doesnt hmm maybe it will be alright so he goes in to examine all this equipment and its almost a 1337er set up than the one at the Flame hatch and theres the flashing yellow light and he manages to locate the keypad and he hums this Good Vibrations song and when he pushes the number keys the make a beep and he pushes the buttons to the tune of the song and manages to type in the right numbers and manages to turn off the jamming equipment that powers down and hes like so much for fate and theres this whirring noise as he walks off and this beeping ringing and the button marked incoming transmission is flashing and Charlie pushes it and the screen goes to static and this cute sounding girl says Hello and Charlies like holy shit and picks up the microphone and is like hey bb and its some woman you cant make her out the resolutions too shitty and she asks who shes speaking too and he says his name is Charlie Pace hes a survivor of oceanic flight 815 and shes like uhhh ok where are you and he says an island and shes like an island holy shit where and hes like fucked if I know who is this and she introduces herself as OH WOW ITS PENELOPE WIDMORE AND CHARLIE RECOGNIZES HER NAME AND CALLS THROUGH TO DESMOND AND SHES LIKE DID YOU JUST SAY DESMOND AND CHARLIES LIKE YEH HES HERE WITH ME AND PENNYS LIKE IS HE OK AND CHARLIE SAYS HES BRILLIANT AND THEN HE ASKS IF SHES ON THE BOAT AND PENNYS LIKE WHAT BOAT LOL AND CHARLIES LIKE YOUR BOAT 80 MILES OFF SHORE NAOMI THE PARACHUTIST AND SHES LIKE IM NOT ON A BOAT WHO THE FUCK IS NAOMI OH FUCK WHAT THE DICKENS AND DESMOND NOTICES OH SHIIIIT MIKHAILS BODY IS GONE AND CHARLIE HEARS THIS TAPPING AND

ITS MOTHERFUCKING MIKHAIL OUTSIDE IN THE SEA TAPPING A GODDAMN GRENADE AGAINST THE WINDOW AND HES GRINNING LIKE A MANIAC AND PULLS THE PIN AND CHARLIES LIKE OSHIIIIIIII AND HE SEES DESMOND RUNNING IN AND CHARLIE CLOSES THE DOOR ON HIM JUST AS HE SEES PENNY ON THE COMPUTER MONITOR AND HE LOCKS HIMSELF IN AND HE LOOKS BACK OVER AT THE WINDOW AND MIKHAILS FLOATING THERE HOLDING THIS GRENADE UP LIKE HO HO HO MOTHERFUCKERS AND LETS THE HANDLE GO AND HOLDS IT UP TO THE WINDOW AND IT EXPLODES IN HIS HAND AND BLOWS THE WINDOW IN AND THE OCEAN COMES FLOODING IN AND DESMONDS TRYING TO GET HIM OUT BUT CHARLIES JUST STANDING THERE HE HAS TO DIE AND THEN HE REALIZES HE HAS TO MAKE SURE DESMOND KNOWS WHAT HE JUST LEARNT HE GETS OUT HIS SHARPIE PEN AND WRITE ON HIS HAND AS THE ROOM IS FILLING COMPLETELY WITH SEA WATER OH GOD

AND HE SWIMS UP TO THE WINDOW IN THE DOOR AND PRESSES HIS PALM UP AGAINST THE GLASS TO DESMOND AND DES READS IT AND CHARLIE NODS TO HIM AND DES PUTS HIS HAND UP TO MEET CHARLIES DISPLAYING THE TEXT "NOT PENNYS BOAT" AND CHARLIE PUSHES AWAY FROM THE DOOR AND FLOATS FREELY IN THIS WATER FILLED CHAMBER AND HE CROSSES HIMSELF AS HE FINALLY DROWNS AND THE OPEN SEA WINDOW BEHIND HIM FRAMES HIS HEAD LIKE A HALO OH GOD HE DIED A HERO IN SO MANY WAYS HE DIED MAKING SURE THE SURVIVORS COULD PHONE FOR RESCUE AND HE DIED BECAUSE IT WAS HIS FATE TO GET EVERYONE SAVED AND HE MADE SURE DESMOND WAS ALIVE TO READ HIS FINAL MESSAGE OH MY GOD THAT LITTLE ANNOYING TWAT THAT LITTLE FAILED ROCK STAR JUNKY FAGGOT OH GOD IM SO SORRY I CALLED YOU A HOBBIT ALL THIS TIME CHARLIE YOUR NOT A HOBBIT ANY MORE YOUR A HERO BRO
oh christ I literally cried then and I'm not the only one Aron is crying as Naomis satellite phone beeps and she asks Claire what her boyfriends name is and she says Charlie and Naomi says Charlie just got us rescued oh god you little hero and she tries it and the lights still flashing green but all she picks up is Frenchys distress signal and the woman herself says it doesnt matter theyre there and theres this big fucking radio tower jesus christ

and inside its this like little DHARMA hut with just desks with radio equipment thats covered in spider webs and her distress call is playing with the massive iteration counting up and Frenchy says she recorded it 16 years ago before Alex was born and she says they dont need it anymore and switches it off and takes the tape out finally and Naomi tries her sat phone but she cant get a signal oh lord so she goes outside and Bens tied to a tree and hes pissing himself and Naomi is waving this sat phone about and shes picking something up oh god and Kates like its happening we're gonna get rescued and Jack says they'll celebrate when they get home and Ben tells Jack he knows he thinks hes saving his people but this is his last chance hes making a big mistake and Jack says the mistake was listening to him and Ben tells him making that call is the beginning of the end and Naomi yells that shes got it shes got a signal and her phone makes this wonderful beep and Naomi opens the channel to her freighter and oh god oh god its connected they did it theyre sa-OH FUCK SOMETHING HITS HER IN THE BACK AND SHE SPITS UP BLOOD AND DROPS THE PHONE AND FALLS OVER AND JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ITS GODDAMN JOHN MOTHERFUCKING LOCKE HE THREW A FUCKING KNIFE AT HER AND JACKS LIKE JOOOOOOOOOOOHN AND LOCKE PULLS OUT HIS RUSTY OLD REVOLVER AND JACK CHECKS NAOMI AND HES LIKE WHAT DID YOU DO AND LOCKE SAYS WHAT HE HAD TO AND TELLS HIM TO STEP BACK BUT THE PHONES RINGING OH GOD OH GOD ITS CALLING THE SHIP OH GOD AND LOCKE IS POINTING THIS GUN AT JACK AND TELLS HIM TO STAY AWAY FROM THE PHONE BUT JACK JUST SNEERS AT HIM AND LOCKE SHOOTS AT THE PHONE AND HITS THE GROUND BUT THAT DOESNT DETER JACK

HE LUNGES FOR THE PHONE AND PICKS IT UP AND JACKS LIKE WHAT ARE YOU DOIN JOHN AND HE SAYS I DONT WANT TO SHOOT YOU AND BEN YELLS OVER DO IT JOHN DO WHAT YOU NEE-FRENCHY FUCKING ELBOWS HIM IN THE FACE FUCK YEAH FRENCHERS AND THE PHONE IS RINGING IN JACKS HAND AND THE SCREEN IS FLASHING AND LOCKE TELLS HIM TO PUT THE PHONE DOWN BUT JACK SAYS NO YOUR DONE KEEPING ME ON THIS ISLAND JOHN FUCK YEAH AND THE PHONES STILL RINGING AND LOCKE COCKS HIS GUN AND SAYS HE WILL KILL HIM IF HE HAS TO OH GOD OH GOD BUT JACKS LIKE THEN DO IT JOHN AND HE LITERALLY AND METAPHORICALLY STANDS UP TO HIM FUCK YEAH JACK AND THE PHONES STILL RINGING AND HE WALKS RIGHT UP IN FRONT OF HIM WITH LOCKS GUN BARING DOWN ON HIS CHEST AND JUST STANDS THERE STARING AT HIM AND LOCKES LIKE UGH JACK AND LOWERS HIS GUN AND TELLS JACK HES NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THIS AND THE PHONE IS ANSWERED BY A MAN NAMED MINKOWSKI AND JACK LOOKS DOWN AT THE PHONE IN HIS HAND HES HOLDING RESCUE HE CAN TOUCH IT AND HE LOOKS UP AT LOCKE AND THE GUY ON THE OTHER END OF THE SATELLITE PHONE SAYS HELLO AND JACK PUTS IT UP TO HIS EAR AND ASKS WHO IS THIS AND LOCKE JUST WANDERS OFF IN DEFEAT AND THIS MINKOWSKI GUY IS LIKE WELL WHO IS THIS HOLY SHIT

AND JACK SAYS THIS IS JACK SHEPHERD ARE YOU ON THE BOAT THE FREIGHTER AND THE GUY ASKS HOW HE GOT THAT CHANNEL AND JACK SAYS NAOMI TOLD THEM ABOUT YOUR SEARCH TEAM ABOUT THEIR BOAT AND THIS GUYS LIKE NAOMI YOU FOUND HER WHERE IS SHE WHO ARE YOU AND JACK SAYS IM ONE OF THE SURVIVORS OF OCEANIC FLIGHT 815 CAN YOU GET A FIX ON OUR LOCATION AND THE VOICE OF SALVATION SAYS HELL YEAH WE CAN SIT TIGHT WELL BE RIGHT THERE AND EVERYONES CHEERING AND HUGGING EACH OTHER THEY DID IT THEYRE FUCKING RESCUED THEYRE SAVED THEYRE GOING HOME AND THE EXPRESSION ON JACKS FACE AS THE RELIEF WASHES OVER HIM IS AS IF HE FINALLY GOT SAWYERS DICK UP HIS ASS
in Jacks final flashback we see his shitty apartment hes just sort of sitting against the wall surrounded by all these maps and he gets oh his Motorola KRZR out and arranges to meet with this someone

so he drives up outside the airport at this like gate at the end of a runway as a planes landing and this other car pulls up and Jack manages to stumble his way out of his shitty car and this woman gets out her car and emerges out of the blackness and OH SHIT ITS KATE WHAT THE FUCK THEY KNEW EACH OTHER BEFORE THE ISLAND?!

and they awkwardly say hey to each other and she says she saw him on the news STILL PULLING PEOPLE PUT OF BURNING WRECKAGE HUH AND JACKS LIKE HEH OLD HABBITS WAIT A SECOND and she asks why he called her and he hands her the scrap of newspaper and says he hoped she would go and she looks appalled and asked why she would go to the funeral and he just like I've been flying a lot that golden pass that they gave us wait what the shit every friday night hes been using it he flys to LA to Tokyo or Singapore or Sidney and he gets off and has a drink and flys home and Kate reservedly asks why and he says BECAUSE I WANT IT TO CRASH KATE... I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYONE ELSE ON BOARD... EVERY LITTLE BUMP WE HIT OR TURBULENCE I MEAN I ACTUALLY CLOSE MY EYES AND I PRAY THAT I CAN GET BACK AND KATE TRIES TO TELL HIM THAT THIS ISNT GOING TO CHANGE BUT JACK SAYS THAT HES SICK OF LYING THEY MADE A MISTAKE AND KATE JUST SAYS SHE HAS GO HOME HES GOING TO BE WONDERING WHERE SHE IS WAIT WHAT KATE ARNT YOU BORN TO RUN OH GOD AND JACK GRABS HER AND TELLS HER THAT THEY WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO LEAVE AND KATE SAYS YES THEY WERE AND BRAKES AWAY FROM HIM

AND SHE SAYS GOODBYE JACK AND WALKS TO HER CAR AND JACK TELLS HER WE HAVE TO GO BACK KATE BUT SHE JUST GETS IN HER CAR AND AS A PLANE READIES FOR TAKE OFF SHE DRIVES AWAY AND HE YELLS AFTER HER WE HAVE TO GO BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!

AND HES JUST LEFT STANDING THERE IN THE NIGHT AS THIS PLANE FLIES OVER HIM
WHAT THE FUCK THEY NEED TO GO BACK TO THE ISLAND WAIT THEYVE ALREADY BEEN AND OH FUCK THIS IS THE GODDAMN FUTURE TIME FOR SIZE 8 TEXT OSHI-


wow holy fucking shit I mean this whole flashforward thing was great but what it showed oh god Jack ends up some fucking pill popping drunkard obsessive failure but then I realized that wasnt the end of his story maybe we wont see it for a while but he'll get back to that goddamn island I just know it and I began furiously typing up my epic thread I eve asked Juliet for her nudes and I made 22 gifs total and there are far too many to link but they are all here on my freewebs gif page and it was two weeks after I had watched that episode and it was the 9th of June midday saturday and my major concern was someone replying to my thread before I had finished posting it like camoron who was online all day but I managed to do it and I just collapsed into bed and I awoke to see... MAX HAD DELETED ALL MY REPLIES, LEFT A REPLY OF HIS OWN SAYING "FULFILLING THE PROPHESY 0 REPLIES", CLOSED IT AND STICKIED MY LOST FINALE THREAD I cried my eyes out simply at the pure finality of it my thread was forever infamous but forever lonesome and then I decided to nerd over Die Hard 4.0 which I loved it so much I made a generic ruby review thread about it I mean come on there was even a part where the nerd hero last measures the terrorists lmfao

and then I made this epic 8 post long Transformers thread and then I read The Ultimates 2 in which the bro/sis incest speedster Quicksilver dominated a paki and I made this epic ytmnsfw comic where I dominated m0nde for talking shit about my sister that can still be viewed here

and one day I awoke to find that my jews did 9/11 ytmnd was used in a documentary on the history channel about conspiracy theories lmao and jewish overlord max played a jew mindgame and gave me 24 hours to write him a news post update about this turn of events and I managed to produce this guest news post by rubycalaber featuring solid proof that jews did 9/11 lmao and this news post was almost more popular with my internet chums that my ytmnds tv appearance and forum classy bird roflbrothel even did a dramatic reading of it that was featured in this smash hit fanfare ytmnd here are those classic 8 seconds

and after that I was rather a big name on the internet so much so that max wanted to keep his iron jew grip on me and ordered his artfag underling roy4l to give me smod status on the forums and I took this smod responsibility and for a whole two weeks I gave everyone massive avatars of their choice until one fateful day when I was just posting this stompleB vegan tirade ytmnd when BAM every thread on the entire forum was gone my account had been hacked so with forum warriors instigator and net flame we spammed threads as fast as we could until roy4l got back online at his yale lab and I knew the only way to stop this hacker was to demod me so I sacrificed myself to save the forum but I was determined to replenish this forums supplies of epic ruby threads so I launched this campaign of ownage I had been working on against a certain frontpage fag based on season 1 of Losts Ethan story line and I posted this halloween thread featuring gifs of me owning Kassius then I got The Orange Box and my favorite game in it was definably Team Fortress 2 and led to the creation of this epic video

now enough of my basically just linking to my old shit I was thinking hmm well that was a halloween thread what can I do for christmas and I thought wait a second isnt it meant to be christmas in the next episode of Lost and then it hit me this crazy idea I SHOULD REVIEW ALL OF LOST! I worked it out and I would be able to do it in time but I made the almost fatal error or not calculating that I'd need to do the episodes I had already reviewed again due to them being deleted and being fucking shit I thought I would only have 53 episodes to review not 69 and I 48 days ago poped in the first DVD into my computer and watched the amazing season one intro and tried to recall my life 2 years ago and for three weeks I watched all of season 1 and at first I had like one screencap but then I developed this thing that I loved where I just put two screencaps ontop of each other and that got through both the size restriction and the 10 image limit and I could fit about three episodes in a single post and was doing about one post a day cause nothing happened in season 1 other than my fav storyline ever Shannon and Boones epic bro/sis incest and once I finished season one I had been working on it for two weeks and I had been sitting at my computer for up to 60 hours at a time

I had made quite a little thread making nest there surrounded by my comforting anime posters I jumped right into season two which I fucking adored I mean that shit with the button countdowns mindgames and losers at computers all day fan-fucking-tastic and everyone was saying Ana-Lucia ruined season 2 well fuck you during the first half of the season she was a fucking hardass and by now I was at a two episode per post rate and for my favorite episodes one whole post I was still under the illusion that I could get season three done in a few posts and when I got the DVD for my birthday I started on that 20 days ago and I did the first six episodes with one post each and then I realized I'd have to do all of season three again and I had thought I would have like three weeks before christmas after I was done I had this massive wall of text list of funny gif ideas to make I had about 60 written down and I had left spaces for them to be posted in the posts for that episode but after that miscalculation I judged reviewing the episodes more important than the gifs so what I decided to do was I will make the gifs after I post this thread and once I've made them I'll post them in another thread in about a months time but I'll leave the placeholders in place so when I upload the gifs they will also appear in this thread its is like the mega mega thread if I post another thread with any gifs I make from these ideas it will just be to like publish them because this thread will probably be dead in a months time lmao anyway so no fucking bitching about how there are no fucking gifs in this thread and dont be like wah wah wah I am never in gifs ruby you lazy cunt the only reason anyone likes your threads is because of the gifs you make and you didnt even make any of them you lazy fuck all youre doing is posting your old unfunny shit ruby ok I promise I will make some of these fucking gifs before Lost starts again here is a teaser promo image from my upcoming gifs thread

hang hang on as I'm writing this it is about 12 hours until christmas and when I started thinking about this thread I thought of a big rant to do at the end of it to get hyped for reviewing season 4 and looking back at two years ago and getting pumped for little season one was a big task and now here I am two months later and the point I wanted to start at and I cant even recall what I wanted to say and I am staring at this 1. The text that you have entered is too long (17021 characters). Please shorten it to 15000 characters long. utter utter bullshit what the fuck is the point in that you know I spend half the time writing these posts and the other half fucking deleting the shit I've spent hours working on because of this 15000 character limit bullshit you know what you think you fucking scare me you fucking censorship jew forum bullshit huh you think you can make me cut down my rant well guess what fuck you and fuck your bullshit because goddamn it in a months time on January 31st Lost is goddamn back son and theres not going to be any fucking bullshit you see this one fucking three episodes per post bullshit this deleting whole paragraphs so it fits into one nice post bullshit you see that shit thats not going to goddamn happen I'm just going to fucking type and I dont give a shit how many fucking characters are in it it can be a billion you think your fucking 10 images per post will hold me back well fuck you I'll double stack my screencaps and I'll push it to the fucking pixel goddamn limit yeh fuck you jon you think I cant take my own screencaps well fuck that dailymotion bullshit I download torrents down DVD quality HD shit motherfucker in 38 days the first episode of Lost airs and there is nothing thats going to stop me from reviewing those 8 episodes I dont give a shit about any writers fucking strike oh boo hoo you've entered a billion characters please shorten SHORTEN MY FUCKING DICK YOU CUNT nothing will stop me I dont care if I'm banned from this forum by max himself I'll kidnap m0ndes dog and force him to teach me how to hack and I'll post these threads on maxes own account I dont care if the fucking actors of Lost all die I'll kill myself and fight them out of the afterlife I dont give a shit if a goddamn polar bear eats my hands I'll type with my fucking feet I dont care if I crash onto the fucking Lost island I'll ride that goddamns smoke monster into Bens fucking bedroom and post my threads from his fucking iphone you fucking hear me nothings going to stop me these threads will know none of your mortal forum limits these threads will make roy4l into a weakling who quivers behind his keyboard so violently that he falls off his swivel chair these threads will scare ramen into anorexia these threads will make stompleB eat a hotdog these threads will get steveyos laid these threads will drown m0ndes sacred rats in their own milk these threads will confuse max so much that he gives all his ytmnd donations to 9/11 family charities these threads will be so disorientating even Cho wouldnt be able to shoot them these threads will be hotter than a nedm cat these threads will be (almost) cuter than fanfare these threads will be more deviant than Juliet these threads will be more goodone than algore these threads will have such appalling grammatical errors they will give vitafin a heart attack these threads will fuck artemises wonky eye back into place these threads will be sexier than my sister these threads will have rabbit holes that suck nutnics in like a blackhole these threads will be bigger than ted stevens gaint nigger dick these threads will kill whitey for cberry these threads will these threads goddamn it motherfuckers you fucking faggots THESE THREADS ARE GONNA BLOW YOU ALL TO HELL AND AND HERES A PROMISE I CAN KEEP THESE THREADS WILL HAVE NO BULLSHIT HO HO GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING HO MERRY CHRISTMAS now if you'll excuse me I need to go open my ps3 and kiss my sister under the mistletoe lmfao