Monday, June 30, 2008
By Andrew Fixell
O'Connor needs to shut up. No seriously, SHUT! UP! I'm
talking, Arnold- Schwarzengger-yelling-in-Kindergarten Cop-SHUT
why, do you ask, am I so adamant about a useless music critic never
getting the chance to write again? It’s because he is everything
that is wrong with journalism today. Morons like him can go into
their jobs, copy paste several chunks of information from the internet,
call it an original piece, hand it in to a major company, and get a
nice check for work that most 10 year-olds can do. And by 10 year-olds,
I mean the dumb ones. Of course Rob O’Connor is not swimming
in a pool of money from the paydays he gets as a result of making his
weekly "Lists" for Yahoo! Music. But still, he gets paid…and
does an awful job at doing it. My breaking point came when on
June 17th, 2008 Yahoo posted his latest piece of garbage, "25 Best Heavy Metal Bands."
let me make this clear: I am not a huge metal fan. I listen to "Metal"
music ranging from Dillinger Escape Plan, Killswitch Engage (marginally
"Metal" at best), and, well, that's pretty much it. I listen to a lot
of hard stuff that some people would confuse to be metal but when
pasting a genre to a band, you are pretty much branding them with a
duty to serve that genre's code of ethics. When writing a piece on
Death Metal, think of bands like Napalm Death, Pig Destroyer, Cattle
Decapitation, etc. When thinking of Easy Listening, think of Air
Supply, Bread and Linda Rondstat. When thinking of Metal, think of
Megadeth, Queensryche, King's X, Aerosmith, Anthrax. Wait, wait,
wait. Hold up for one second, did I just say Aerosmith? I did, but
any 85 year-old grand-mother would know that
Aero-Don't-Wanna-Close-My-Eyes-Smith is not a metal band.
They are a rock band. And as of post-Get A Grip days, a
take a look at the "List" in question. He starts off
good with a Swedish Metal band, Meshuggah. From there,
things go haywire. Although he does include the heroes of yester-year
including Dio, Judas Priest, and Iron Maiden, He has the audacity to
lump them in with bands such as Alice In Chains. Alice In Chains
was a kick-ass band. And had Layne Staley not gone and wasted
his life away, they would have gone on to even better things.
But they're just not "metal." They helped to define a generation
brought on by music that was rooted in the spirit of metal and the attitude
of punk, but it flat out wasn't "metal." So, there.
Rob O'Connor still sucks.
he slithers down the list with more and more quality names such as Mercyful
Fate, Kyuss, Metallica (heck, it's in there name). But other
bands he places on the list are just...absurd. Thin Lizzy?
Rush? Gun's 'n Roses? If you asked Thin Lizzy or Rush
what metal was in 1970, they would have no fucking clue what you were
talking about. I love both of those bands but it's ludicrous
to place them alongside bands such as Slayer because, well, there music
was far more eclectic. Thin Lizzy and Rush and many other bands
on this list were influential in the birth and rising of metal.
But they weren't fucking metal! And Gun's 'n Roses?
I won't even give that a response.But
O'Connor truly outdoes himself at his rankings of #5 and #4.
Respectively he puts, you're not going to believe it, The Jimi Hendrix
Experience and Van Halen. What the hell is going on? Van
Halen is a rock band that defined the 80s. It was poppy, great
guitar solos, crazy hair, crazy front man. But if that is your
criteria for being regarded as the #4 greatest metal band of all-time,
you need to get your shit straight. And The Jimi Hendrix Experience.
I seriously do not know what to say. And perhaps that means it is my
time to sign off. After all, silence does sometimes speak louder
The Gears of Rock welcomes Andrew Fixell to the sanctuary:
Andrew Fixell is a freelance writer living in New York City. To go
along with Gears Of Rock, Andrew also writes for two additional
websites MLBbaseballonline.com and PrimerMagazine.com. He is currently
working for Isle of Man Films and is studying at Upright Citizen's
Brigade Training Center for long-form improv comedy.