What does that mean?
Living stealth... well for transpeople that means after transition (or possibly during transition to a certain extent) not "disclosing" to anyone your medical history as far as being transgender.
I've lived pretty stealth from the very beginning. I passed well pre-T. I've never been "out" as being trans except to people who knew me before I started transition. Everyone thereafter doesn't know (with the exception of a few transfriends etc.).
So far my plans as far as that goes are kinda so-so. I always planned to get married and never really disclose any of this to my wife. In hopes that my parents are dealing with everything by the time I get married etc. Of course I have to tell her SOMETHING right? Just that I had to have sever surgery on my crotch area and I don't want to talk about it? Eh... I've strayed away from that a little now. I had planned also for a while to reveal it as a birth defect, an extremity of being intersex or hermaphrodite (being the old non-p.c. term). Which no one can argue being intersex right? It's physically right there? There are many cases where someone is born with ambiguous genitalia and it is surgically "fixed" and later on in life they realize they "assigned" them the wrong gender.
I have more of an urge now for someone to know what's going on exactly rather than just a crazy lie. I honesly see being transgender as a form of being intesex, an extreme form of course. I don't see why trans people are linked with lesbian and gay people and not with interesex. Whatever.
I shall tell my wife something, that I lived life for years in the wrong gender because of this birth defect to finally have it fixed years later. One thing a lot of transguys don't understand (because they haven't witnessed it first hand or don't pass well) is that when a girl meets you and knows you as a man, has always known you as a man, and you pass 100% all the time, this will throw her a curve but she won't be able to see you any other way than the way she's always seen you... as a man through and through. I've dealt with this.
If I marry a woman who doesnt already "know" about my past I will disclose before it gets super-serious but not in the beginning. This is just asking for it. I also don't tell her I wet the bed til I was 10 and am prone to bladder infections either. They need a chance to get to know who you are, not the image people used to see you as.
I know one thing I will be up front and honest about (okay not the first date) is my inability to spawn kids on my own short of the bone marrow transplant experiments. This is an important thing to some women and if that is a deal breaker for them, I want to get that out kind of asap.
As far as work and every other possible thing, I plan on being "stealth." I should mention I hate that term. It sounds like we're sneaking around preying on people... like it's something wrong to do. It's more like just living my life. I enjoy my life and once I transition why should I STAY in the transition mode? THe point to transition is to get to a certain point (on the other side of transition... the LIVING point). That's my view on MY position in this scheme. I plan on staying apart of some groups and stuff online maybe to help out other guys with surgery info and such.
Because of the state of where I was born and my surgery anticipations I will be able to change the birth on my birth certificate and get a brand new one, change my social security card, I already have my license changed and name changed. I don't know, we shall see. A lot of it depends on my parents and how they treat me in a way.
The L word and my body??
Yeah it's weird that the L word is making me think about my body. For the last week me and my girlfriend and my roommate have been obsessively watching all the dvd collection series of the L Word ha ha. This show just reveals that lesbians are almost as bad as gay guys! I think gay people must be hornier than straight people. Seriously. Anyway...
So why is the L Word making me think about my body? These girls are constantly ripping off their clothes and just going at it, strange that I'd be envious of a lesbian... but I'm not. Well not SPECIFICALLY just in general ripping your clothes off and going at it. It seems like lightyears away that I'll be able to FULLY do that.
They are so comfortable in their bodies and are so comfortable naked, that's a feeling I have NEVER known. My body is so alien to me. It's like when lets say for instance you hang out with a group of people that your friend, or cousin, or someone and they have a COMPLETELY different type of friends and you just totally don't belong in the group, no one laughs at your jokes, their humor is lame, they dress totally different and they look at you condescendingly because of all this... okay am I the only one who has experienced this?!!? ha ha jk. nah but times that feeling by like... 99379837482379283749387 times and that's almost what it's like to be trans.
I am getting closer and closer to where I want to be, where I need to be to function as a normal human being. I have started T, I'm having great results physically with that and with all physical positivity comes mental positivity. I've had chest surgery which was a huge biggie. Next is a hysterectomy which sucks because it's not really something I can see, it's more of a mental noting of change and it'll speed up my T reaction and results, woo hoo! No more estrogen blocking! Ok, I'm done. And then next the final lower surgery.
I can't wait for the day that I can just strip off all my clothes completely naked and be fine because my body is in harmony with my mind. I can't wait to just walk around naked (in my house ok!) or jump out of the shower even if my girlfriend is in the bathroom, take showers with my girlfriend completely naked. I can't wait to just NOT avoid the mirror when unclothed! How many people must take that for granted, to be at peace with themselves. I will be able to take a shower and not look at my body, to just be comfortable unclothed period! To be able to just rip my clothes off (or have them ripped off) in a fit of passion and not have to worry about keeping a peice of clothing on!!
What a great day that will be.
Living Stealth Now
On odd thing happened... talking about living stealth. Well my ex-roommate came by to visit tonight and our new roommate happened to be here too. So it was me, my gf, my new roommate, my other roomate (who is FTM too) and my ex roommate. My new roomie and my ex roomie don't know about me or my roomie being FTM. So we were all sitting in the living room. My ex-roomie (we'll call her "Jessica") brought up this show she saw on TV about Transgender Kids (the recent show they had on ABC) and my new roomie (we'll call him "Will") was like oh I saw that. SO they started talking about it and she was like oh I prayed that that wouldn't happen to my child. She's like they had kids on there that were 2 and 3 saying this stuff and the parents having them have hormones really young etc. "Will" is like oh I think that's bullshit, it's just the parents doing that. And "Jessica" is like yeah... my trans roommate (we'll call him "Jim") is like I have a family member in Puerto Rico who is actually trans and it happens... and I'm like yeah in my psychology class we talked about transgender people, it's a mental thing. They have in the psychology handbook that they transition to cure it, that kids know it at a young age. And "Will" is like nah... and I wanted to punch him in the face. Me and my g/f and Jim are all trying not to look at each other funny and try to play this off lol. My g/f is like secretly pinching my arm. We talked about it momentarily then it went to the whole gay thing.
"Jim" made a point thought because he's like "that's just how well we pass..." and it's true. I was pissed initially because how dare someone sit there who has never known this feeling, never experienced it or a person close to them with it to know first hand to just say oh it's bullshit it's the parents doing that. How many parents want their child to change their sex? Last time I checked NO ONE!!!!! Idiot. I brought up the whole intersex thing though about ambiguous genitalia y'know. People always get stumped with that, if there is a such thing with ambiguous genitalia then there is obviously "mental gender" and obviously there's a medical issue with genitalia messing up, why is it hard to believe that it can't be totally messed up instead of half way messed up (opposite). You have perfect which is a male gender with male sexual parts and then you have intersex with lets say male brain and male AND female parts and then you have a male brain and female genitalia by chemical reactions or lack or excess hormones or bad hormonal timing in the womb? The womb is a very sensitive thing, everything is very timed. After I mentioned the intersex thing they're like yeah... and then this idiot is like how can parents decided their kids gender if they've got both? It freakin happens! I told them the story about the intersex guy who was given surgery at birth to be a female and reversed it later.
It's just so weird to sit in on a conversation with people bashing something that you are and they have no idea and they are your friends, and/or roommates etc. It's very interesting, weird, ego-boosting, and annoying because part of me wants to just tell them you don't know CRAP! And this dude "Will," his mom is a lesbian.
Ah well, atleast we got a point across without outing ourselves. It CAN be done guys!
There ARE some good people...
So I took psychology this past semester (Spring '07). My psychology teacher is this tiny little Asian lady, she's super sweet, positive, and cool. I decided I should tell her I'm trans. (Granted I waited until the day AFTER our last class so I wouldn't see her and I emailed her ha ha). I decided this because... I felt like it. I don't know. I think it was the Holy Spirit prompting me to do this. I felt I had to in a way. I felt comfortable telling her, I trust her, and sometimes when it's under those conditions I will tell someone if I think it will be beneficial. Her being a psychologist but never working with transpeople and the way she described them in class I thought it would be good. I'm a normal guy and no one ever would guess I'm trans. I'm not crazy or weird or really stand out a lot.
So I kinda like to be like "okay I'm a normal guy, that's what you know me as and I happen to be trans." So people get the idea that we're "out there" and they may not even know, we're normal and regular guys and girls that have had a birth defect, we're not necessarily weird freaks you can pick right out of a crowd that deserve discrimination. She described transpeople as "guys who want to be girls or vice versa" which I didn't really like, I don't WANT to be a guy, I always have been one, I have a birth defect. Maybe now next time she teaches on it she'll be a little better at describing as, seeing as she now has faces (me and my roommate who also took her class) to put to the "condition" so hopefully she can be a little more sympathetic to it.
I thought some people would be interested in what she wrote me back. She was really kind and supportive. I'm realy glad I had her as a teacher. Anyway, here it is.
--------
Thank you for sharing something so private. I feel very privileged.
It takes a whole lot of courage to go through it and to share it. I
admire you and commend you for it. If you did not mention it, I would
not have guessed it at all. You have a long road ahead, yes? From
what you share on your papers, I think you have a supportive family?
That always helps.
I remember Aidan - he sat at the back of the class and attended the
Tuesday or Wednesday class. Please send him my regards.
_____ - I wish you all the best. You have a bright future ahead. The
world is waiting for you and what you have to offer. I am cheering you
on!!!!
Keep in touch, I would like to know how things turn out for you.
Periodically, I do look through my e-mail here even though I do not
teach in the summer.
It has been wonderful having you in the class. I appreciate the
attentiveness and the interest. Please, do not hesitate to contact me
if I can be of any help. Same for (my roommate ____) and please tell him I said
'hello'. You two must be good roommates together.
Have a good week ahead and a great summer!
PS: ABC's 20/20 had a special on transgender children a few days ago.
Really interesting and informative.
Professor _______
------
If only we had more teachers like her!
Brute Force!
My co-worker today said something interesting to me. He's American but lived in England for 15 years (he's 32). A guy passed by with the football shirt (soccer actually) shirt on from his area in England, he said something to the guy "ay man ay" having something to do with what they say over there. Later on he randomly did this short chant of clapping your hands a couple of times in a particular series and he said a few words, I can't remember em. Kinda like the "DE----FENSE!!" here but faster than that. He was like yeah imagine that but a thousand guys grouped together chanting over and over again, it gets crazy (he does the chant again in a deep voice imitating it), "yeah then one elbow thrown and punches start flying."
It got me thinking a bit. I've been in that situation before, big group of guys cheering on a team or whatnot. Bellowing team chants. It just reminds me of the "nature" of men and how so much of "nature" goes into the making of how we are. Yeah there are some exceptions to the rule. As a history, from Roman, Biblical, up to late history, now still some too, men are brute force. The symbol of physical strength, the aggressors, the hunters, the defenders, power. To be hear a team of guys bellowing before going out on the field and competing, you hear the power, strengh, aggression. Now I've always been a guy, from day one. I had the unfortunate event to have to grow up with a trans disability. I love my gender though (remember gender is mental, sex is physical), from day one of transition I've been so at home, so happy, I've felt like me more than ever. No more longing, no more jealousy, no more resentment.
See now a lot of people will get this twisted. Even ::gasp:: TRANSpeople, but y'know what some of them are the WORST with this! No I do NOT WANT to be a guy, I've never WANTED to be a guy??? Are you crazy? If anything I've WANTED to be a girl? Y'know what? Because I'm not a girl, I'm a guy. I haven't wanted to be a guy, I freaking AM one, I WANT to match my body to my gender. I WANTED to be a girl because before I found out that transsexuality even existed and their was a name for this I tried for a spell to dress myself more as a girl thinking that'd make me ok. Didn't work, I tried makeup, didn't work either. I tried praying for God to make me want to be a girl, for God to make me comfortable in this body, I did that for YEARS AND YEARS and that didn't work. I tried wishing wells, shooting stars, the 11:11 wish, everything! For people who aren't trans, do you know how hard it is to have to go through this? It's an easy choice to make for a lot, including me, the truly severly dysphoric. But it is not an easy task. This drains you of all of your funds, you look at your bio friends buying home theatre systems and body kits for their cars, clothes shopping sprees etc. with their week's paycheck and all yours goes to saving for surgery, buying T, doctors visits, therapist visits, or paying off surgery loan debts, all of which you feel like you'll NEVER dig yourself out of. The task is daunting to say the LEAST. We are brave, strong, and determined. It takes a lot to be a man of our caliber and many bio men could never survive this. We do not choose, we are chosen, it was for us to bare.
I'm a car freak, I'm a movie freak. I'd LOVE to dump loads of cash into souping up my car in every way shape and form. I'd love to buy a surround sound for my house. I'd love to eat out every day, I'd love to buy myself new clothes all the time, I'd love to go out and spend money how I wanted, I'd love to have a savings, I'd love to not have a debt looming over my head, tapping me on the shoulder every time I buy the least little thing. I'd love to not spend a huge part of my life saving and paying for SURGERIES to be who I am, by no fault of my own. I hate having to constantly prove to doctors and "offical document" administrators that I'm a man and should be recognized as that.
WHY WOULD I CHOOSE THIS!!!!!
Seriously, are you that freakin' idiotic, stupid, psychotic, retarded, brain-dead, single-cell centered dumba**?? Y'know what some of you may not know? Many men revel in being men? Many women love being a woman? They love trading lipstick, bearing children, lookin' pretty, and whatever else. I know because my mom is one, she enjoys all the little things that go with being a woman, she's totally comfortable and inline with her gender. Same for guys, a lot of guys love being a horny, competitive, rough faced guy. I enjoy being a guy, I think I'm enjoying it more because of what I went through the first portion of my life.
What a lot of people get wrong is they're thinking right now that I wanted to transition because I wanted to feel powerful or I wanted to be able to have an easier time getting a job by being male or I want to conform to society's stereotype of a relationship, that I couldn't "handle" the pressures of being in a "lesbian" relationship, etc. Uh no. Lesbian pressures? Please. Compare these reasons to the ones above? I don't want to be a man because it'll make my life "easier." On the contrary, transitioning is much harder.
Get real people. Like I said. Not easier, harder. I don't want, I am. I don't choose, I was chosen.
Dance Clubs... Interesting
So I was recently in a club with my g/f and a couple of her friends. They were all either lesbian or bi. We had these guys come up trying to dance with them so I always pose as the boyfriend of whoever is getting hit on. My by like the 3rd guy another one came up and my g/f's friend says I'm her boyfriend so then he asks my g/f's best friend next to her and she's like with a "uhhh" look so I stepped in and put my arms around both the girls' shoulders and said "they're both with me." HAHA! That was great, anyway. Later on this group of guys tries to invade our little group (remember I'm the only guy) and one of the guys, I guess the "representative" comes up and is like which one are you with, basically so they can hit on everyone else. So I tell him they're ALL with me and NONE of them are interested. He laughs and says something to me which I could not understand and slaps me twice on the chest.
They all ended up backing off after that convo and a little interference but that felt majorly good. Not only to be the "man" of the group, the "protector," to tell a guy something like that and be listened to and not be afraid to speak like that to another guy and mainly the slap on the chest. Isn't that weird? I think it is. I guess it probably has to do with since hitting puberty longing for that flat male chest. The fear of someone knocking me there or hitting me there or slapping me there that they may "feel" something and figure me out somehow. I was so self conscious and protective. Giving hugs and such sucked too. I wasn't THAT big because of T and all the years of binding I was pretty flat but still, there is nothing like this feeling. It feels GOOD for people to play around and hit me in the chest or push me in the chest etc. It kind of validates me in my mind. I don't know it's weird.
The Past...
So why do people claim when you don't come out and tell someone that you're trans that you're lying? I'm sorry but everyone knows their "point" to where they let the person know. Although, if there'd be know wa of finding out, there's not a reason for them to know other than the fact that you want them to know.
So just because we're trans we have to let people know? Why is that? Lets just say we're talking about actual relationships. I'm not even going to argue friends or coworkers because that's just ridiculous.
So why are we obligated besides the obvious reasons like family "outing" you in an awkward event, or physical reasons.GID is all physical. Our sex organs don't match our gender. We were brought up differently. Other people aren't seen as "obligated" to tell all their child hood happenings or physical mishaps. Kids who were molested, beaten, etc. Do they have to tell what happened to them to a partner? People who've had re constructive surgery? Men who've had penile lengthening or a bio-male phallo done (ome men have buried penises or undescended testicles etc.)? Women who've had breast lifts, cosmetic work on their labia? "oh yes by the way, before we go any further, I just wanted you to know I had a child and I had a saggy vagina but I got it fixed, it's all stitched up now." YEAH!
I don't understand people who expect us to tell people up front. This is insane. I'll be up front first about not being able to have children before I tell her I used to be trans. And yes I said used to be, transition is the phase FROM female to male. I don't stay trans-ing all my life. There's a point in your life where you have to start living it. At least for me.
I'll divulge once I've gained trust in this person, once I realize this is a person I can see myself with long term, someone who's gained enough trust and respect in me not to react horribly towards me (but this isn't ALWAYS apparent) someone I'm comfortable trusting this information with, someone I know. However I will not wait until the point of let's get married or rings, sharing bank accounts, etc. Everyone has their "point" of disclosure though, it's a personal thing, different for each person and no one person can or should tell me when my point is and why it is right or wrong. I couldn't care less what your "point" is especially if you're pushing it on me.
We all have to go through the same steps, but we all have to find our own way.
"Happier Men"
Someone sent this FWD to me in an Email, pretty funny.
"Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier."
Bois, Lesbian Men and More!
Sounds like a gross porno right? Right. No no, these are REAL people folks. If you're in the Trans community for any span of time and have been involved in any communities... online groups... livejournal... etc. you'll come across them. Now it's not that I do not like these people... but I do not like the way they think in that they link themselves with the likes of transsexual people, really FTMs mainly.
I've had many arguments with these people. I call them people because I really do not know what to label them, they make it clear they do not want a label.
Lets start simple. Why do we have words? To communicate and speak right? What is the ONLY way we can communicate through words and speaking to each other? Of course... by each word and/or phrase having a universal meaning in that language. As in "hungry" means you want to eat, for everyone speaking English. I can't just say okay well to ME hungry means "television." Does that make sense? OF COURSE it does because if we all had the thought that we can make words mean what WE individually WANT them to mean then we'd have a really freaking hard time communicating. I'd say I'm hungry and you'd turn on the television.
Simple lesson aside.
Anyone who isn't a regular guy transitioning has the tendency to immediately (like the very anti-trans people do) go to the extreme of my character and criticize me. I'm a wife-beater, I hate women, I'm chauvinistic, macho, asshole, etc. All of which I've been called by other people within the transgender "umbrella" particularly those people. I am none of those thing, I've actually never been in a real physical fight with ANYONE. I am just transitioning to what I was all along, I normal, regular guy. They think I'm a traitor of some sort because HONESTLY I really like football and love and can play just about any sport known, I go camping, I lift weights, it makes me uncomfortable when if a gay man hits on me, (NO I don't try to hurt them, I'm freaking uncomfortable if a beastly woman hits on me, I'm allowed to feel that way!), I like cars, gory films and despise love movies, I like my women feminine and I want marriage and kids and I'm going to be called Dad, and I'd prefer to take care of my family and my wife stay home with the kids for the most part. Did I SAY I was shackling her to the kitchen table to cook for me all long and clean? No. Lets get one thing straight... I do NOT, repeat... DO NOT act/feel this way because I want to, because I try to, or because I feel more of a man, that's idiotic. That is WHO I AM. Freakin ' get over it. I can't be trans and be a regular guy, I have to want to march in the streets and tell everyone I'm trans and crap. I respect the people who fight for us and if it wasn't for them we wouldn't be where we are now but not everyone is that.
These people call themselves bois sometimes, and other name as well. Maybe not all "bois" are like this but I've found the good amount of people telling me this stuff say they are "bois." The argument basically is this person says they are FTM, some say they are a guy but they are lesbian. Does that confuse ANYONE ELSE but me?!?! My argument is if you're lesbian you're a woman who likes women... that's the definition right? If you're a GUY and you like women then you are straight. So...? The person's argument was basically a word can mean what he wants it to mean and that's it. Where my argument is okay that may be the case in your own little world but once you go and actually talk with other people especially non-trans people they will think you are crazy, have no idea what you mean because of your serious lack of communication and made up meanings for words and further confuse them about other FTMs.
My problem is if you're FTM it's Female to Male bodied. How can you be a guy and be a lesbian?!?! Right... okay some of us including me haven't had every surgery yet, we are still working on that. We do not call ourselves lesbians because our lower body may not match yet. That is retarded (no offense to you retarded guys out there hah).
Wait listen to this. I've read posts about this kid who wants to forever look like a little boy. Not a girl, not a man. They took or take small doses of T and stopped to look boyish, they don't want facial hair or none of that. Confused? OR how about this one kid who LIKES confusing and basically disturbing and surprising people. "I like to walk by people and have them not know if I'm a guy or a girl or it's really great when they think I'm a girl until I turn around and they see the gigantic bulge in my pants." ay yi yi.
WHATEVER! You can do what you want, feel how you want, look how you want, think how you want. This is America (probably only for a little while longer though so enjoy it while you can!) It DOES suck that you people are the ones people connect with trans or FTM but whatever. You can't really label yourself FTM though. Maybe FTB? Female to Boy? Or "FT?" for Female to who the hell knows?
Alright well I guess it doesn't matter to me much anymore because I'm beyond the "passing" point and have been for years. Just don't act like I'm not "tran" enough because I happen to be like any normal guy, actually I take that back, I'm actually tranitioning, I'm not trans, I'm a man, and I guess you'll be transgender or boi for the rest of your life. To each man (or boi) his(or her or its) own.
Is it just me? Trans shows.
Sometimes it bothers me seeing all the trans shows on TV. Well mainly just the FTM ones. The ones that really get into the surgery side etc. Yeah we need some of these shows out to kinda convince people we're not total freaks. But the phallo/meta/upper surgery in depth ones I don't know. I don't want everyone knowing about all that, it makes it easier for them to question. ie: if I have scars on my chest and go to the pool most people who even care to pay attention think I've probably had some kind of organ surgery or something, the last thing is I'm trans becase of my scars but now they may be educating all these people!! lol. I don't want someone to see a scar on my forearm and think "oh maybe he had that penis surgery for trans people." ha ha hey it could happen! I suppose I'm just being paranoid but think about it...
Being A Man
I Love Being a Man
Just watching "Most Amazing Videos" on Spike TV, they
had on there this race where these guys kept bumping
and getting at each other, it was some sort of
rivalry. Well one guy finally had enough, when the
guy pushed him off the track he jumped out of his car.
When that happened, the OTHER guy's pit crew ran out
and surrounded the guy and they all started fighting.
The guy that jumped out of the car originally was
wearing black, so he got knocked down and the rival
jumped out of his car and tried to get a cheap shot
from behind but a track worker stopped him. About
that time the guy in black, his pit crew then jumped
out and ran onto the track wherein a whole brawl
started. It was funny because there's about 15-20
guys out in the middle of a dirt track, stopping the
whole race, in an all out rival brawl, all in their
late 20s up to their 40s I'm sure and you see on the
side about 10 firemen in their uniforms just standing
their watching the fight.
Then earlier today and last night I was watching UFC
competition and training. Just to be able to get out
there and have man power against man power, all the
physical, mental, psychological training coming up to
that point. I love it. I'm sorry but I can't stand
like WWF wrestling and crap. I know you get hurt and
all that but SO much of it is the image and look, UFC
is just 2 men out there trying to knock the other one
out, no frills, no costumes and all that crap.
I was talking to my manager a couple of weeks ago
about how I'm trying to get bigger for myself but also
so not to get pushed around and be able to hold my own
in a fight. I'm a tall but thin guy, I am pretty
strong though. But a lot of guys think that since
they're bigger than me they can just push me around
cause I'm not a big guy, they could probably take me
or I won't say anything back because I'm NOT a big
guy. I don't step down easily, but I'm not one to
rush into a fight. I have good sense. But he made a
good point. He's like it's not like how it was when I
was growing up... (he's in his mid-late 30s)...
nowadays they just pull out a gun and shoot you, back
when I was growing up, you had a problem you just
fight and that was it. Which is pretty true, I hate
that too. It's not like in leave it to beaver when
you come home with a black eye and dirtied up and your
parents find out you had a fight with jimmy down the
street, get in a little trouble and soft punch on the
arm from dad "there ya go sport." Many times I wish I
could've lived back in those times (without the trans
situation of course).
Why talk about all these things? I always try to
relate to people especially my mom, you love being a
woman because that's who you are right? If every part
that made you a woman was gone, you'd still be one
right? You still love your makeup, perfume, dresses
and being treated and behaving like a woman because
that's who you are? Well I try to explain to people,
I am who I am because that's who I AM inside. I love
being a man, I love the physicalness, like the sports,
the drunken fights, the exercise, being in control,
being a leader, having balls to just say what you
think. My mom's such a dainty polite little "southern
bell" and if she couldn't be herself she wouldn't be
very happy, well I'm the same way! And not to say
that women can't be leaders and crap like that but I'm
FROM a southern town, traditional and all that and for
the most part things are like that around here and
that's how people like it.
I Hate People
A funny thing happened to me... it's actually not
really funny, it's entirely annoying and pisses me off
A LOT but at the same time I have to laugh at it.
2 things. Talking of this lady... we will call her
Lisa. She is in her late 30s, maybe early 40s. Is
has 3 children, is supposed to be a Christian, used to
go to my parents and my church until she left. I
always knew she was kind of sneaky and just I don't
know, I get vibes about people and I had a vibe about
her as just being 2 faced, sneaky.
On another note. I had a good friend in the church
(older, around this lady's age) who is a lesbian and
they had an affair, well the church basically booted
out the lesbian, we'll call her Chelsea. Because LISA
who is married with children told a bunch of lies
about how Chelsea basically pushed herself and forced
herself upon her and it was wrong and Lisa was
appalled and NOT a lesbian and basically told a bunch
of lies to make it like Chelsea was the one in the
wrong and blah blah blah. Well Chelsea heard of all
this and wanted NOTHING to do with her anymore,
meanwhile Lisa is constantly trying to call Chelsea
saying I miss you, I love you, I want to see you etc
etc. TOTAL 2 faced-ness. BUT, I figured on the other
hand I knew that Chelsea had prob. told Lisa about me
because me and Chelsea were kinda close and talked a
lot and she's totally supportive of my transitioning
and everything and helping me through it emotionally
etc.
SO... me and my mom go out to this restaraunt to eat,
we sit down and who do we get as a waitress? Lisa.
My mom had planned on getting an area that was NOT
where Lisa was but she forgot, b/c she already knew
Lisa worked there. Well, Lisa was being super-nice
and everything, she didn't look at me weird or
anything she went over the menu with me since I had
never been there etc. And I'm thinking okay since
she's kinda a closet lebian, close with Chelsea who
supports me and all that, I'm thinking there's a good
likelihood that she's cool with my transition on SOME
level. Yeah I'm kind of dumb.
This may not seem like a big deal to some but who
cares what you think!
So I saw my mom like watching Lisa from a distance,
and I'm like what is she doing (my mom was facing
towards the kitchen and all that) and she's like nuh
uh I'll tell you later. Apparently what'd happened is
my mom saw Lisa going back and talking to this guy
(another waiter or something) and they were kinda
looking in our direction and my mom saw. When this
happened Lisa turned her back to where we were and was
facing the guy to talk and kinda whispering or whatnot
and he was kept looking in my direction. Basically,
my Mom's like she was telling your business probably
oh that guy over there that used to be a girl blah
blah talking shit and he was kind of with of face of
oh for real? no way etc etc. Well, not more than a
minute later apparently he walked right by the table
and went around the whole room (he went to take a look
at me) and my mo says she KNOWS because all around the
walls are mirrors and he kinda looked back after he
passed and looked at us, or me in the mirror cause my
mom of course was paying attention. And he didn't do
anything but walk around and went right back to the
kitchen.
SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really wish my mom had've told me IN the restaraunt
instead of 4 days later!!! I would've TOTALLY not
been as nice to her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Which reminded me I shouldn't have been nice in the
first place because she totally screwed my friend
over!!
I'M AN IDIOT!!!!
THat pisses me the hell off. How dare you. My mom
was like "we may not understand your situation or
what's going on but that is NOT her business to tell
OUR family business to ANYONE." Which is TOTALLY
true. I'm not some fuckin freak side show for people
to view and be amazed at and if that's the case I'M
FUCKING CHARGING FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!