You Don't Know Emo

Being a semi-avid listener of the genre of Emo, and boasting the fact that I know more about the genre than the fuckers who think they know, I get a lot of questions. For those who ask a lot of questions, I've created this FAQ, so that I don't get mass amounts of mail asking these questions. This FAQ also serves as a cheat sheet for the site, for those who really don't want to read all of the history and whatnot on the genre.

• Q: So, what the heck IS Emo, anyway?

A: Emo is a form of DIY Hardcore, which is short for Emotional hardcore.

• Q: But I thought it only stood for Emotional!

A: No, that's simply not true! If it were short for Emotional, it would encompass all music, since all music is emotional, right?

• Q: But I thought that was Emocore!

A: No. Emocore is yet another bullshit term. There is only one Emo, and that Emo is not Saves the Day.

• Q: But then why aren't bands like My Chemical Romance and Senses Fail Emo? They're pretty hXc to me!!!1

A: Well, if these bands are hardcore to you, you need a fucking frontal lobe. These bands may have emotional lyrics, but nothing about them is hardcore at all.

• Q: WELL I THINK UR A STOOPIDHED!

A: And I think you're an illiterate cuntfunnel. Pipe down.

• Q: What really makes Emo, then?

A: For one, it can't be mainstream. Emo is a subgenre of punk, making it inherently DIY. If a band is mainstream (a record label is a controlling factor in the creative process), it really isn't Emo, no matter what sort of music they play. Emo bands don't get dressing rooms at concerts that are sponsored by Ford, they aren't going to be this Tuesday's musical guest on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.
I've realised it's hard to describe exactly what makes a band Emo, but I can tell you that the lyrics are usually fairly poetic. If it's very, very loud, and the lyrics resemble something that a poet should be reading at Open Mic Night in a SoHo coffee shop, it's probably Emo. And, when I say loud, the vocals sound akin to the painful screams of a woman being repeatedly sodomized with a candlestick. If you think I'm way off when I say that, I say: look no further than a great lot of Palatka's music, and, of course, Pg. 99, who I simply cannot mention enough.

• Q: Well what about The Used and Thursday? Are they Screamo?

A: No. Screamo is merely another word for Emo. They are synonymous.

• Q: Then why does the label Screamo exist?

A: That's a good question, Billy-Bob Jean. I, personally, have yet to figure this out.

• Q: Why do Emo kids dress like that? And why do they cut themselves and be all sad?

A: Because they are posers. None of this is Emo, at all. See, Emo is a genre of music, and nothing more. It is impossible to dress like a genre, and if one could dress Emo, they wouldn't be wearing tight clothing, and they wouldn't have over-gelled hair.

• Q: Who started Emo?

A: Well, this is something that's been talked about a lot. Some people say it started with Husker Du's "Zen Arcade" album, but some say it started with Rites of Spring. A few people have said that it started with Fugazi, which is inane, because there are former members of Rites in Fugazi. All we know is Rites was the first band to be called Emo.

• Q: Where can I find some Emo music?

A: You just have to look. It may take some searching, but you're bound to find at lest one Emo record in an independent record store. Recently, much to my surprise and general dismay, I found at least 10 Emo records in a Portland record store, and that was after a brief scan of their CD selection. If all else fails, go online and look. Also, remember one rule about  the internet: you can find anything you want to buy, if you know how to look.