"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hi. Now you say something."

"You have reached 999-9999. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work."

"Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?"

"Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions."

"Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done..."
(Cachunk!)

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."

"This is Judy Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI."

"Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it."

"I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks."

"I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message."

"Hi. I'm probably here, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up. "

"The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please hang up and try again."

"Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub. Their carpets are always clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need any pictures taken. They hate the stock market, and the entire insurance industry is one huge scam perpetrated by Mafioso accountants. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine: this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where you can be reached, and my owner will think about returning your call."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."