My Brief Rainbow

***********************

Your Cross
 
Whatever your cross, whatever your pain,
There will always be sunshine after the rain.
Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall,
But God's always ready to answer your call.
He knows every heartache, sees every tear,
A word from His lips can calm every fear.
Your sorrows may linger throughout the night,
But suddenly vanish at dawn's early light.
The Saviour is waiting somewhere above,
To give you His grace and send you His love.
Whatever your cross, whatever your pain,
God always sends rainbows after the rain.

Unknown Author 

Written Nov 15th...the day of Wayne's funeral: 

On the night of January 10, 2004, I was writing to Wayne and about Wayne in my journal.  This was the 2nd anniversary of Wayne’s death.  As I was ending my writing, I had a vision of an angel and a very intense need to capture her on paper.  I located my drawing pad and began to sketch…very quick and light pencil strokes.  As I got her basic image on the paper, the vision in my mind began to change and 2 small angels appeared in front of the larger one.  I quickly began to sketch them also…and then they faded and another ‘adult’ angel came to my mind.  I drew this one but with heavier, bolder, darker strokes and more detail.  As I was completing the face and hair, I realized it was Wayne.  The shape of the face and shoulders…and the hair was all Wayne.  I put the drawing down and just stared at it…..and as I stared..the word ‘peace’ came to mind and as I wrote in the upper right hand corner, this powerful feeling of peace swept through me and lasted for a few minutes.  I then looked at the clock and wrote the date and time completed (which I don’t usually do on my drawings).  In my mind, I knew this drawing represented Wayne and at that time, the 2 children we have lost to miscarriage…and they were with a guardian angel.    Several nights later, I awoke in the middle of the night and understood the significance of the completion time of the drawing….it was 8:17pm…and Wayne’s estimated time of death was 8:30.  I now know that Wayne is indeed in heaven and watching over me…appearing when needed.

My ‘Wayne Angel’ is now engraved on his headstone.

September 27, 2005:  Since writing the above, we recently gave birth to a son...which would be Wayne's little brother.  One night, I looked at the Wayne's Angel Drawing...and had a new thought.  Maybe this picture is Wayne as the darker and more obvious angel; while the fainter angels are Wayne's little sister, brother and myself.  Could it be a picture of when we all meet together in heaven? 

Ever wonder about the timing of certain events? Sometime in December 2003, I was packing some of Wayne’s things he had left at his Grandparent’s house.  Most of toys there were things he outgrew and his cousins would play with them when they would visit.   There were too many memories for me to look and remember so I was ‘blindly’ packing it in boxes and containers. Some things caught my attention but I kept moving fast and furiously to get it completed.  I was thinking that I could go through everything here in our house when I was able to deal with it.

One of the toys I brought home was his Magnadoodle.  He always kept it in the box (he was so good and careful with his toys) so I just packed it in the van and didn't open it until a few days later.  I was more than
surprised to find a message written on it.  To explain...I used to sneak his Magnadoodle out and write a brief message to him on it...in hopes of surprising him next time he played with it.  There were actually 2 messages on his Magnadoodle...one from me that simply says, "Wayne, I love you Mom" and a smiley face drawn next to it.  Below my words is a message from Wayne.... in his 'young-child' handwriting :)  The part that I can read says, "love you too” There is more to his message because there is an "&" following but it's has sadly been erased.   At first I was so sad to read it and tried to figure a way to recover the missing part (obviously too much time on a computer when you even entertain the idea of recovering a Magnadoodle message).   But then I realized that maybe I was supposed to find it and maybe that moment was the time I needed to see that message.

What are the odds of these messages lasting probably over 5-6 years without being disturbed more than they were?  

And I discovered the messages on the day I was struggling with leaving behind the last year of his life (2003) and entering a new year (2004) that he is not here to share with me. Needless to say, I put the Magnadoodle away with some of Wayne’s other belongings and this will be one of the few toys that will not be handed-down to Wayne’s little sister.   This Magnadoodle has my son's final written "I Love You" words...even thought when he wrote it many years before,  I'm sure he had no idea of the impact of  discovering his message.

After Wayne's headstone was put into place, I stopped by the cemetary to take these pictures. It was in the afternoon and the sun was behind the headstone and to the left.  Upon getting the pictures developed, I discovered the reflection of the cross in each one.  The small white, wooden cross at the foot of Wayne's grave was being reflected in the marble. The location of each reflection is what is so special.  See for yourself.....

SIGNS

I sat beside your grave today,

And talked and cried some too

There always seems so much to say,

My thoughts keep tumbling  askew.

The sun shines down from above

Creating sparkles in your Stone

Mirroring my tears of the lost love

As I spend this time with you alone

A constant breeze stirs the flowers around

As I watch a small butterfly land near

Orange and black wings fluttering without a sound

It’s presence seems to calm my tears

It stays beside me for quite some time

Sitting on one long blade of grass

I began to wonder if it is a sign

A remembrance of our past

When the butterfly slowly flies away

I continue to sit on the damp ground

Speaking to you all the things I need to say

But yet not making a sound

The tears stream down my face as I cry

While thinking of the future not to be

Then a small feather slowly drifts by

Landing on the grass in front of me

I feel a heaviness lift from my heart and mind

As comfort and peace flood in my being

I wonder if there are other signs I will find

Or is it all coincidence in what I’m seeing?

My heart tells me each sign is sent by you

To ease the intensity of my grief and pain

A caring gesture just like you would do

I’ll always love you, my dear Wayne.

EAGay

May 5, 2004

12:15pm

I usually do not remember my dreams this vividly...or in this much detail. It started out very weird and very bizarre. Parts of it, I remember in great detail, yet I do not remember the beginning other than there was a great deal of chaos and society was basically evil and many folks were turning a blind eye.   I do know I was vacationing with my parents, husband and daughter and I think Wayne was there too. I have no clue where we were. There was a lot of destruction happening such as bombing, murders, thieves, etc.

Somewhere in the dream, I found myself with any family.  Later in the dream I was separated from my family, husband and children.  I was somehow connected with 5 other girls/ladies of various ages and race.  We went into a room and came up with new names for each other.  As the destruction started again, we left the room and began running to escape and were separated.  At one point, I was only with 2 of the girls.  There was a huge explosion and the ocean began pouring onto the land.  We were trying to outrun it but we were in sand and low sand dunes, which are so difficult to run in.  We reached a place where there was water rushing and boiling in from that direction too and we were instantly surrounded.  Then I saw something drop from the sky and come bobbing towards us in the waves.  It was one of the old NASA astronaut return capsules and one of the girls was in it.  As we got her out, the water began to recede on both sides.

Suddenly there were people everywhere around us.  And some type of robotic person descended upon them.  It was calling out warnings in a very mechanical voice and eliminating people rapidly.  We ducked behind a low wall and began to run, but somehow this ‘thing’ sensed us and turned.  We started moving back to where we had been and it followed our movements even though it could not see us.  We then understood it was looking for us…to destroy us.   Somehow we escaped but we were still running because we knew this thing was coming after us. 

In the next phase of the dream, we entered the lobby of a multi-story building.  The lobby was a balcony and on the top floor.  We could peer over the edge and see other floors on the building.  There was food there for us to eat and as we ate it…it somehow gave us protection from evil.  Other people started arriving.  There were four girls now, including myself.  One girl realized the ‘power’ of the food and she was able to ‘test’ the arriving people to see who was ‘good’ and who was ‘bad’.  I think it was at this point, that I realized we were somehow chosen as special and that’s why we were being pursued.  I also knew the ‘bad’ people would kill us if they figured out who we were.  We had to jump off the balcony but the food kept us from plunging down and we more or less floated to another floor.  We started entering rooms full of people and each room had a label of a place where those people were from.  We began asking questions to determine who was good.  It was here, I realized we were looking for ‘saved’ individuals.  The only room I remember in detail was listed as my college alma mater (also where my parents taught).  I recognized people I had not seen in many, many years and we quickly shared some memories.  Then it dawned on me that my parents were not there. It was a rather painful moment.

Suddenly we were outside behind the building and there was a man who was doing some landscaping around the building.   I instantly knew he was ‘good’.  He approached me and said ‘your son is here to see you.' He turned away and began walking around to the front of the building.  There was a beat-up white pick-up with a utility trailed full of landscaping equipment.  In the driver’s seat of the truck was Wayne.  He got out and we ran to each other.  I remember holding him and hugging him so tightly and crying so hard.  I was saying over and over ‘you WERE in heaven….you WERE in heaven’  And then I was telling him how I loved him and missed him so much. 

This is when my husband woke me up…I was gasping for breathe and crying.  I could still feel Wayne in my arms. the same time.   I do think this dream is a message from Wayne, as I approach his birthday and 1^st anniversary.  He knew I needed to ‘hear’ from him….to be told he was OK and he was with God.  

A dear friend, name Cat, interpreted it as the following:

"It's as if Wayne sent you the dream  and wanted you to easily interpret it.  The food (body of Christ),  the water (baptism), other girls (nations of the world), God, Wayne, it's all there in fantastic metaphor.  Only YOU know the true meaning to you and the details, but much of it can be interpreted in the vernacular.  This is definitely one you'll return to again and again." 

Her interpretation makes so much sense to me...and helps me to find comfort along with the tears.

On July 25, 2005, Wayne's little brother, Robert,  was born.  It was a bittersweet day....very joyous birth of a beautiful baby boy, yet I could not help but remember the birth of Wayne...my first baby boy.    About two days after Robert was born, I woke to feed him.  When I looked into his precious face...I saw my Wayne.  I cannot descirbe exactly what it was...but I knew he looked like Wayne...even if it was only for an instant.  I'll admit, I wondered if it was wishful thinking, so I did not mention it to anyone.  Later that night, my mother and sister came to the hospital to see Robert.  After a few minutes, my sister came over to me and whispered that she saw Wayne.  I then told her that I had experienced the same thing. 

The next day, I looked for the resemblance again...but it was not there...nor have I seen it since.  I have wondered if it was a sign from Wayne.  Maybe he was letting me know he was OK with Robert.  Or maybe he was just letting me know that he was still with me.  I do not know the reason...but I do know what I saw that day.  And that my sister saw it too....without me telling her anything about it.

During the week of Wayne's 18th birthday, I was driving home from the store and looked up to see a 'sky-writer'.  The plane kept writing a long message and I never could see all of it.  There was something about the history channel and then I was not at the right angel to read it until I got home and our of the van.  This picture shows what I saw....I had to run inside and get the camera.  I have no clue what the whole message was...but Wayne's name was enough for me