It’s been years since I’d seen Ryan. The last time I saw him was by accident. Unbeknownst to either of us, we had both been booked on the same gig and we only found out when we bumped into each other in the hallway of the studio. It was awkward and that was mainly my fault. I just couldn’t look at him without being reminded of him in the throws of passion. Passion that *I* caused. I’m not proud of it. I cheated on my wife with him but funnily enough it never felt like that. I always felt like I cheated on *him* when I married Deb even though we weren’t even "together" then. I’d been married to Deb for 3 years when Ryan made his move.
Looking back, I can say that we had been dancing the same dance for years without admitting it to each other but at the time I remember it felt like a bolt out of the blue. A welcome bolt, but a surprising one at that… Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife but I suppose, and I’m ashamed to admit it, I have always loved Ryan more. Deb sees me as nice but dim. She loves me but thinks I can’t be trusted to do anything.
When I make love to Deb, it’s quite clear *she’s* in charge, letting me know exactly what she wants. When I used to made love to Ryan, I top. He squirms beneath me, not asking but taking everything and anything I want to give him. And that turned me on immensely. I’m not a dominant person by nature but to have the awe-inspiring Ryan Stiles moaning and submissive beneath you, well, let me tell you, that is something else…
In the end, I couldn’t do it anymore. I told Ryan I’d leave Deb for him but that I didn’t want to keep going if he couldn’t make the same commitment. It turned out, he couldn’t. I didn’t know it at the time, but Pat was pregnant with Clair. I found out when I read in the newspaper that Ryan Stiles had had another daughter. By then, I hadn’t seen him for seven months. It was another 18 months before I saw him again. That was the time we had both been booked on the same gig. I wish he could say he looked haggard and worn, caused by pining for me but he looked wonderful and I had to do my best not to drag him into the nearest closet and bend him over a janitor’s trolley.
We exchanged pleasantries as if we were acquaintances, rather than former lovers….Jesus….as if we used to swap tea or sugar instead of breathy moans and bodily fluids… It hurt. It hurt a lot.
But I held my own. I don’t think he noticed anything. I’d like to imagine he was casting longing glances my way but I suppose that it was just my imagination. I didn’t see him again after that.
I missed him so much. The desire never went away. I was always wondering what he was doing, who he was with and if he was thinking about me at all. It was driving me insane. I tried to focus on my marriage but it didn’t work. I escaped it by starting a tour with Brad. It took me away from the house for long periods of time. I’d like to say I missed it, but I didn’t. Instead, I though of Ryan. A lot. I phoned him but put the phone down before I dialled the last digit. I wondered if he knew. If he felt the same, but I doubted it. My 50th birthday came and went, and if he had ever had an excuse to contact me, it would have been then but he didn’t. So I had my answer. He didn’t think about me anymore. I didn’t feature in his life and it seemed all I had been was a nice way to pass the time.
I was glad I had agreed to do the Vancouver improve shortly after that birthday. It gave me a chance to be distracted. To take my mind off Ryan Stiles. Only it didn’t. I had just settled in my hotel room when there was a knock on the door. I opened it, not expecting anyone, only to be blown away by the vision of Ryan in a tux. I must have gaped at him like a fish on dry land because he ducked his head and asked if he could come on. I must have stepped aside to let him in but I don’t remember it.
I asked him if I could get him a drink, he replied by saying he loved me. That he had never stopped, that he was sorry he had been such a coward and could I please give him another chance. I don’t think he managed to finish his sentence before I was on top of him. I virtually ripped the tux off him, licking, nipping and sucking my way around his body, desperate to reacquaint myself with his body, his smell and his taste again. It was glorious and I was an idiot to deny us this.
He’s sleeping now, worn out from our exploits. I don’t care if he doesn’t want to leave his wife for me, although I think he will. You see, he isn’t wearing his wedding ring; he is wearing the silver ring I gave him years ago on his right hand and I’d like to think that means something. He’s told me he’s flown here, knowing I’d be here. I might ask him to join me on stage tomorrow. If he’s recovered enough, that is….
Ryan loves Colin. He isn’t shy about it. Colin knows this.
When Ryan doubles over with laughter at his jokes, and Colin makes him lose his composure more than any of the other performers, it is a confirmation of his love for the Canadian. Colin knows this too.
What Colin doesn’t know is that, for many years, Ryan has been hiding the depth of the affection in which he holds Colin. He’s been hiding his feelings for so long; it is second nature to him now. Colin doesn’t know this either.
Ryan loves spending time with Colin. Colin knows this.
When Ryan doesn’t phone him as often as he would like, it’s not because he doesn’t care, but because he cares too much. Colin knows this too.
What Colin doesn’t know is that Ryan dials his number every day but hangs up before he punches in the last digit. That way there is no trace of the phone call and it won’t show up on any itemised bills. Ryan is also far more comfortable with the internet than he lets on. He visits Colin’s site every day, just to look at the pictures and to see if Colin mentions him in the messages to the fans. Colin doesn’t know this either.
Colin loves Ryan. Even if he is not always as demonstrative as Ryan. Ryan knows this.
When they play "action replay" and Colin takes Wayne’s part because he is worried about Ryan’s back, it is a confirmation of his love for the goofy tall guy. Ryan knows this too.
What Ryan doesn’t know is that Colin has been hiding the depth of the affection in which he holds Ryan. He’s been hiding his feeling for so long; it’s second nature to him now.
Ryan doesn’t know this either.
Colin loves spending time with Ryan. Ryan knows this.
When Colin started touring with Brad, it wasn’t because he didn’t want to tour with Ryan, it was because he didn’t want Ryan to feel obligated to say yes, because he knows Ryan hates flying and the last tour nearly put his back out of action for good. Ryan knows this too.
What Ryan doesn’t know is that Colin writes him a postcard from every town or city he and Brad perform in but he never sends any of them. When Brad asks Colin how many postcards a man could possibly write to his wife, Colin doesn’t correct him as he puts the latest card with the ever growing collection in a pocket of his bag. Ryan doesn’t know this either…..
Known knowns II
It was such a cliché…..having your wife find the un-send love letters, or in his case, postcards. In a way it had been a relief. The decision had been taken away from him. Deb had found the postcards, initially thinking they had been for her, she had started reading them.
Colin thanked his lucky stars he had never been very explicit on them.
He realised that, had he wanted to, he probably could have invented a suitable explanation as to why he carried around a rather large number of cards addressed to his best friend. His male best friend, at that, but when it came to it, he couldn’t. He hadn’t really wanted to. They had been married for nearly twenty years and the least he could do was tell her the truth.
"I’m so sorry Debs, I really am…." And he had meant every word, every apology he made that night. He *was* sorry. If he could have it his way, he would have been in love with Deb forever and they would grow old together. Instead, they would have to decide who was getting the toaster. It was so surreal; he felt as if he was on the outside looking in at somebody else’s life collapsing around them. Deb had been magnificent. She had poured them both a scotch and told him she didn’t necessarily want a divorce. He had been surprised by that.
"You don’t want a divorce? Why not? Why would you want to stay married to me, I’m scum.." and to his horror, he had burst into tears.
"Did you deliberately deceive me when we got married? Were you already in love with him?" Deb had asked.
"No!!, I swear! I didn’t, not then!" he had almost been hysterical in his denial.
"Well, there you go; you never planned to lie to me. Your feelings changed, it can happen. I’m hardly thrilled about it but with all the will in the world, I can’t call you scum…..unless…." She had hesitated slightly…
"Have you slept with him?" her voice, which had sounded calm and controlled, had taken slight edge.
He spluttered into his drink. "No!!, of course not! He doesn’t even know how I feel about him!"
A look of surprise had crossed her features.
"He doesn’t know how you feel?"
"No, of course not, he’s my best friend! He’s my very *married* best friend! I can never tell him. *You* must never tell him, or Pat for that matter!" again the hysteria had crept into his voice.
"Well, he’s gonna want to know why we’re getting divorced, what are you planning to tell him?"
"I don’t know….I never thought about it" It sounded weak, even to his own ears.
"My God Colin, you make me so mad sometimes! How can you not have thought this through! You’re writing him damn love letters for god’s sake! You can’t tell me you never thought about telling Ryan how you feel!"
"Postcards.." he had whispered.
"What?!"
"Postcards, I’ve written him postcards, not love letters…" He didn’t understand why he had felt the need to make a point of that….
In a strange way it had deflated Deb’s rising anger. She had sat down next to him and held his hand.
"OK" she had patted his hand "OK, you’ve written him postcards…" more pats on his hand and he had started apologising again. They had talked, then cried a little and then they talked some more.
In the end, the decision to divorce had been made. Deb had repeated that she didn’t necessarily want a divorce but he had had been adamant.
"You deserve to find somebody else" He had said.
"What are you going to do?"
"I don’t know yet…..I want to stay in Toronto for Luke"
"Are you going to tell Luke you’re gay?"
"I’m not gay.."
"You’re in love with another man, explain how that is *not* the definition of being gay…."
He had squirmed in his chair. He couldn’t honestly think of himself as gay. He was just in love with his best friend. Who happened to be male. Damn. He was gay. Did that mean he was supposed to get turned on by the idea of sleeping with a man? Ugh….Images of hairy bikers with handlebar moustaches clad in leather flashed through his mind. His unease must have shown on his face because Deb chuckled. He was amazed by her…… How could she be so calm, even see the funny side at a time like this…..
"Maybe I’m wrong? Maybe I’m going through a midlife crisis" he realised he’d sounded desperate.
"I don’t think so honey…" he hadn’t thought so either….
Known Knowns III
Two weeks later he bought a penthouse overlooking Lake Ontario. Three weeks later he had to tell Brad they would have to cancel a couple of the shows because he was moving out of the family home and needed to get settled into his new place. Four weeks later, Ryan called.
"How can you not tell me stuff like this?! Why did I have to hear it through Jeff, who’d heard it from Greg who’d heard it from Brad?!?" Ryan was furious. "I could have helped you move, I could have been there for you!"
"I’m sorry Ry, I didn’t….. I just….." He couldn’t really explain it to himself. Why had he not called Ryan? He had been busy but not *that* busy. So, he apologised again. It seemed as if that’s all that he was doing nowadays. Deep down, he knew why he hadn’t called Ryan. He had just felt too fragile. He couldn’t trust himself not to blurt out the ugly truth about why he was divorcing Deb.
"No, *I*’m sorry Col, I shouldn’t have shouted at you, you’ve got enough on your plate as it is…. Tell me what happened. Are you getting a divorce, is it final? Why? Did Deb cheat on you?"
"Eh….. yeah, it’s final and no, Deb didn’t cheat on me. She’s been amazing actually. We just…,well, not *just*…we…eh…dammit Ryan, I can’t do this over the phone!"
Well, then it’s a good thing I’m in town, isn’t it!" Ryan said, his grin clearly evident in his voice.
"What?! You’re in town? Here? How? Why?" Colin couldn’t think straight. Ryan was here. In town. Here… he would be able to see him. Maybe Ryan would hug him… What was he saying, of course Ryan would hug him, he always did after periods of not having seen each other…
"So, where do you want to meet?" Ryan’s voice cut through his jumbled thoughts.
"Uh…." Brilliant answer Mochrie, and they call *you* the king of improv? He berated himself for blushing like a damn schoolgirl at the thought of seeing Ryan. That would not do! He would have to get his emotions under control!
Ryan, obviously tired of waiting for Colin’s brain cells to catch up with the conversation suggested he’d come to Col’s new abode. A million thoughts assailed Colin at Ryan’s suggestion….. Ryan couldn’t possibly come here; he didn’t have any furniture to speak of…
As of yet, all that adorned his penthouse was the small sofa from his old study, a TV, a bookcase housing his comics and a bed….. a big bed…… a warm, soft, inviting bed…. No! He couldn’t think like that.
"Eh….." he decided honesty was the best policy " I don’t have any furniture yet….well, I have a few things but we wouldn’t be comfortable…" he tried his best to sound discouraging.
"Don’t worry about that, I’ll sit on the floor"
"Oh, I have a sofa, but it’s the small brown one from my study, it’s too small for the both of us…"
"Oh Col, you’re just that as an excuse so you can snuggle up to me…"
Even though he had heard the teasing tone, Colin couldn’t stop himself from hitching a breath. Luckily Ryan didn’t seem to have heard him…..well, he was sure there was plenty of time to mortally embarrass himself later on…..
"Eh…ok" he managed weakly.
He heard Ryan chuckle "Is that a yes to you wanting to snuggle up to me or a yes to me coming to your new pad?"
Colin had wanted to say "Both" but managed to bite his tongue just in time.
"No offence Ry, but you’re hardly snuggling material….all skin and bones, now if you were bringing Drew on the other hand…." Quite how he managed to make his voice sound light and teasing, he didn’t know. His heart was racing, his palms were sweaty and his face felt as if it was on fire. No the best look for a first date…. Dammit, it wasn’t a date….. Then again, Ryan had come all the way to Toronto for him without so much as a call first, surely that meant something? Stop it, he admonished himself….. He was going to drive himself crazy. He would start overanalysing and he would start adding 2 and 2 together and come up with 406….. It had begun already; he could have sworn Ryan’s breath had hitched when he told him he didn’t consider him snuggling material…..
"Drew eh…." Was he imagining it or did Ryan sound slightly deflated? "Maybe next time, for now I’m all you’ve got buddy…."
"And that’s all I need" he wanted to say, but he didn’t. Instead he gave Ryan the address, pleased when Ryan whistled in appreciation of its location.
"Wow, it’s not like you to be so extravagant…"
"I know, but I didn’t want to buy a house, it would have been too big and this way I don’t have to worry about maintenance or anything, and it’s private…"
"I’m looking forward to seeing it, I’ll be there in 45 minutes, is that OK?"
"Yeah, that’s fine….. have you eaten?"
"No, not yet, I figured we order in…..but now that you’ve mentioned you haven’t got any furniture, how about plates and things? Or do we have to eat of each other?" again the teasing tone in Ryan’s voice…
The images that Ryan conjured up overwhelmed Colin’s senses. In his mind eye he saw Ryan, spread out on the bed covered in strawberries and whipped cream….. Damn, he could taste the strawberries….
"Sorry, what did you say? The line broke up a bit there…" Oh, very believable Mochrie…..He’s phoned you on your cell phone a million times and even in some hellhole in Arkansas, the line had always been perfect…. But Ryan seemed to accept the excuse…
"I said that we could order in, you do have plates and things haven’t you?"
"Yeah, I brought some from the house, and cutlery too."
"Great, Ill be there in 45"
"Ok…"
Known knowns IV
As soon as Ryan had hung up on Colin he walked to the nearest wall and banged his head against it.
"Ryan " bang " Stiles" bang " you" bang "are" bang" an" bang "idiot". He rested his forehead against the wall and exhaled loudly.
"What the hell is wrong with you? You’ve only just found out the man’s getting a divorce and you’re practically jumping his bones! Couldn’t keep your big mouth shut, could you? Snuggling up, eating off each other, for god’s sake, no wonder Col was hesitant to invite you over! Whatever happened to being discrete about your feelings?!? You practically pounced on him like a lion would a wounded gazelle! Bless Colin for not cutting him down to harshly….He had been right though… All skin and bones, hardly snuggling material….. " He pushed himself away from the wall and went into the bathroom. He splashed his face with cold water and dragged his hand through his hair. He really wanted to have a shower and get changed but that would make it too much like a date and he didn’t want to tempt himself any further.
He decided he’d best make some arrangements for dinner. He knew he had said to Colin they’d order in but he wanted it to be a bit more special than a greasy pizza….
He remembered Colin’s favourite restaurant wasn’t too far from his hotel. He wondered if he could sweet-talk the manager into a takeaway service…..
Ever since they had hung up, Colin had been a nervous wreck. He had wanted to have a shower and get changed but that would make it too much like a date and he didn’t want to tempt himself any further….. The image of Ryan licking whipped cream off his "enough already!" he reprimanded himself sternly. Ryan would be here in less than 30 minutes and he was shaking and sweating like an arsonist who’d just spotted a box of matches and a petrol can…..
He stepped out onto his balcony and let the breeze cool him down. He wondered what Ryan wanted for dinner. He didn’t really fancy any of the takeaway food on offer but he hadn’t had any desire to tell Ryan that. No doubt anything he would put into his mouth tonight would taste of cardboard anyway. He looked at his watch. 20 minutes before Ryan would be here….
He went back inside and started putting out some plates. Pity he didn’t have a dining table yet. On the other hand, that was probably a good thing, the way he was feeling now his table setting would probably have looked like something done by Martha Stewart on acid….. He sighed. How was he ever going to get through this night? The whole move and leaving Deb behind had made him so damn emotional…. He remembered this morning when he had cried his eyes out at a commercial for toilet paper….. Toilet paper for god’s sake! He knew why though; the TV family had looked so blissfully happy, so domestic… It had made him realise again what he’d lost. He still felt he was doing the right thing but it was hard. He had always wanted to belong and when he married Deb, he felt like he had arrived. Finally, he was a married man, he wouldn’t have to be alone anymore and when Luke had come along, his happiness was complete.
"And you’ve thrown it all away for a man! A man who wouldn’t look at you twice! Sure, he likes you and you make him laugh but what else can you offer him? You’ve lost most of your hair, your weight goes up and down faster than a whore’s knickers and oh, let’s not forget, you’re a guy!"
He sighed….. He really hated his inner voice sometimes. But maybe it was time to face some ugly truths….. He was never going to get Ryan, so what was the alternative? Picking up guys in bars? His lips curled in distaste. He still had trouble seeing himself as gay. He had never felt the slightest bit of attraction for another man, besides Ryan. Hm…he wondered if there was a term for that. Ryansexual maybe?
Before he could take that thought any further the sound of the buzzer announced the arrival of the object of his affections. He smoothed down his shirt as he walked over to the control panel.
"Hello?"
"Hey Col, it’s me"
"Ah the Swedish masseuse, come on up" "Swedish masseuse? Where the hell had that come from!?"
"Yes, it’s Inge" Ryan said, sounding like a Swedish Carol Channing " I will not be long, please get undressed" As soon as the words left his mouth, Ryan wanted to kick himself. "Way to go Stiles, liking the new "under the radar approach. Why don’t you just tie him to his bed and have your wicked way with him. Oh oh….no! Dead birds, think of dead birds or Drew, Drew Carey in a swimsuit!"
Meanwhile upstairs, Colin was having troubles of his own. Picturing himself, lying facedown on the bed, naked when Ryan would walk in. He’d bend down and whisper in Colin’s ear that the view was magnificent and then he’d stroke him, slowly, from the nape of his neck all the way down to….
"Dammit, what are you 15?!?" he told himself as he forced the images away. "You’re a grown man. You *will* control this!"
"I’ll be waiting, Inge" he said in his best cheesy-seductive voice, hoping that it would cover up his breathlessness but there was no reply, Ryan must have already gone up.
Ryan, hadn’t, in fact gone up, and had heard Colin’s promise. Even though he knew Colin was joking, the purr in his friend’s voice had done things to his nether regions that not even a hundred swimsuit clad Drew Careys could undo…."Dammit, what are you 15?!?" he told himself as he forced the images away. "You’re a grown man. You *will* control this!" He took a couple of deep breaths and made his way to the lifts.
Knowing Ryan wouldn’t be long, Colin unlocked the door and left it open. He went back into the kitchen to put some more beer in the fridge.
"Col?"
"In the kitchen Ry" He wiped his hands, telling himself that the condensation on the beer cans was the reason they were wet. It had nothing to do with nervousness. Because he wasn’t nervous. Not at all. No, siry bob. Not him….and then Ryan had found him…..
"Wow, nice place Col, where can I put these?" He nudged his head to indicate the bags he was carrying.
"What’s that?"
"Well, I know I said we’d have takeaway but then I realised Marcels is on my way over. So I phoned them up and asked if they would do takeaway….."
"Marcels? You asked Marcels if they would do a takeaway for you? And they did?!"
Ryan chuckled at the look of hero-worship in Colin’s eyes. "Only the best for you, I know it’s your favourite restaurant…"
Suddenly Colin’s stomach went into overdrive. The smells coming out of the various bags made him salivate.
"What did you get? Not that it matters because I like everything but…"
"What else could I get but your favourite?" Ryan said, as he started unpacking a variety of containers. "For starters we have a baby spinach salad with oyster mushroom, melted Roquefort and grilled apple, then we move onto the main course which is the seared sea scallop medallions, with saffron couscous and Pernod velouté and for dessert a Dark chocolate mousse cake with a whiskey sauce anglaise. Oh and I asked them to throw in some strawberries as well, I know how you like them. Are you alright?"
At the mention of the strawberries Colin virtually choked on his drink. The drink he had poured himself to calm his nerves….
"I’m absolutely fine, thanks. Can I get you a drink?"
"Eh, yeah, do you want to open the wine I brought? It came recommended"
"Sure, I was done with mine anyway" Colin smiled as he took the bottle from Ryan, trying to suppress a shiver as his fingers brushed Ryan’s. "Shall we eat first? I’ll save the guided tour for later."
"Hmm...Good idea, you know, I wasn’t that hungry but the smells have really got me going now" Ryan said enthusiastically.
Known knowns V
They plated up in the kitchen and then went through to the living area. Colin had a small coffee table so they decided to use that as their makeshift dining table. Ryan sat on the sofa, whilst Colin sat opposite him on the floor.
Conversation was somewhat limited as they were both savouring the food in front of them but the silences were companionable and neither one felt uncomfortable. Which, given the circumstances, Colin thought was a minor miracle….
Soon, their plates were clean and all that remained was dessert.
"Would you mind if we wait a while for dessert? I don’t think I can do it justice quite yet"
"Me neither, thanks Ry, that was amazing"
"I’m glad you liked it. I thought you might need some comfort food after all the upheaval you’ve gone through….you wanna talk about it?"
"Not much to say really. Deb and I we just, grew apart I suppose. I mean, I’ll always love her but I’m not in love with her…." His voice trailed off as he saw the pensive look in Ryan’s eyes.
"You’re not in love with her and that’s why you are getting divorced?"
"Eh….yeah.."
"But you’ve been married nearly twenty years, isn’t that enough to hold you together? Don’t you think it’s natural that at some point you just love somebody?" Ryan questioned.
"Maybe for some people that’s enough but it isn’t for me"
"And you’re sure there’s nobody else? You do know I wouldn’t hold it against you if you’d fallen for somebody else? There must be a lot of temptation out there when you’re touring. I know what it’s like you know, all these beautiful twenty-somethings throwing themselves at you at the stage door…." His voice trailed off when he saw the shocked look on Colin’s face.
"Ry, I’m nearly 50, what would I want with a girl half my age, who wouldn’t look at me twice if I weren’t famous!? I’m no catch and I know it…. I’m bald, I’m shy and even though I’m in one of my thin periods, we both know that if I had shown myself on a beach last year, they would have tried to unplug my blowhole and drag me back to sea, whistling the score to Free Willy! "
"Stop putting yourself down, I hate it when you do that!" Ryan snapped at him.
Colin was a bit taken aback by the sudden change in Ryan’s mood.
"Sorry Ry, but it’s true. You’re just biased because we’re friends…what are you doing?" Ryan had gotten up and walked over to where Colin was sitting. He grabbed hold of an arm and dragged him into a bear hug.
"You’re my best friend and I love you but you’re an idiot sometimes" Ryan murmured into his ear. "After all the success you’ve had and with everybody applauding your talent, how can you still believe you’re mediocre? So you’re losing your hair? So what, there’s lots of men out there who *shave* their heads to have what you get naturally. And your weight? You’ve never been fat and to be perfectly honest I think you’re too thin now but I plan on putting some meat back on your bones!
Colin was aware Ryan was still speaking to him but he felt like his brain had dribbled out of his ear as soon as Ryan had pulled him close. His senses were filled with Ryan’s smell, the feel of his arms around him, the hard chest pressing against his….. It was all too much. He had to create some distance before he lost control.
As if by magic, the phone rang…
"Eh….I…eh…. I’d better get that" Colin said as he took a step back. Ryan dropped his arms immediately.
"Sure, sure…" "Was Ryan blushing? Nah,must be my imagination" Colin thought as he picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hello honey, how are you?" It was Deb.
"Hi Debs, I’m good. How’s things at the house? There aren’t any problems, are there?"
"No, not at all, just wondering how you were doing and if you felt like some company? Luke’s away and I have a lovely bottle of red that I couldn’t possibly drink on my own.."
"Normally, I’d love to, but Ryan’s here and…"
"Ryan? What is he doing in town? Have you told him? Oh God, I’m not interrupting anything am I?" Bizarrely, Deb sounded excited.
"Debs, grab the wheel, you’re swerving….and the answer is no and no. It’s not going to happen and you know it. Let it go…"
"Alright then sweety but I think you’re making a big mistake. I say, get him drunk, into bed and if he wants to deny anything in the morning, threaten him with blackmail until he gives in…"
"And they say romance is dead…..remind me never to ask you for romantic advice..."
Deb chuckled, wished him luck and promptly hung up on him. He stared at the phone in his hand….. This was the woman he had been married to for nearly twenty years and she still managed to surprise him….. Amazing.
He looked up to see Ryan standing in the doorway, a wistful look on his face.
"That was Debs, wasn’t it? Did she want to come over? Shall I go? Maybe you two can work it out after all…" Ryan was firing questions at him as if his life depended on it.
"Whoa, slow down Ry. Yes, it was Debs and yes she wanted to come over but you’re here and I don’t want you to go. Deb and I are not now, and never will be, getting back together. Now how about that guided tour…" he slung his arm around Ryan and dragged him off to show him the rest of the penthouse.
Ryan was impressed. It was a lovely space. It was big, but not so big that Colin would feel lost in it and once all the furniture had arrived it would feel downright homely….
"And last but not least, the master bedroom" Colin opened the door but didn’t follow Ryan in. He knew he’d be in trouble if he did. A room, with a bed and Ryan…. You might as well ask a grizzly not to chew the nice tourist…..
"Wow, nice room, like the bed. Looks comfortable" and before Colin knew it, Ryan had flopped himself on the bed in what could only be called an elegant sprawl…."Niiiicce…" Ryan sighed deeply "Much better than that sofa and hey, you’ve got a TV in here! Why don’t we have our dessert here?"
"Sure Ryan, we’ll have dessert in here, just lie back while I feed you chocolate cake and lick the crumbs of my fingers in a seductive manner and then you can proceed to pound me into the mattress, how does that sound for dessert?…" but of course he didn’t say that, he just mumbled "Sure" and hightailed it out of there faster than a trekkie who’s just been informed that William Shatner was in town.
As soon as Colin had left the room, Ryan let out a groan "What the hell are you doing Stiles? Dessert in bed?" He really needed to learn to keep his big mouth shut sometimes. They would have dessert in here now, and soon the bed would dip and it would be full of warm Colin and…."Oh God, just shoot me now"
Meanwhile in the kitchen, Colin was having his own problems. He had plated up the cake but then he had remembered the strawberries and he had nearly started hyperventilating. True, he loved strawberries and they would compliment the chocolate cake beautifully but he couldn’t possibly take them into the bedroom. He couldn’t shake the image of Ryan covered in strawberries and whipped cream…. If he took those strawberries anywhere near Ryan he’d be salivating over him like a rubber fetishist in a latex factory. "Dammit Ry, why’d you have to pick the bed…."
A couple of deep breaths later and he had sufficiently calmed down to take the plates and go back into the bedroom, leaving the strawberries in the kitchen. Ryan was still on the bed but he had turned the TV on "thank God", Colin thought "At least there’ll be some distraction"
"….and only then will the male lion mount the female" Ryan was watching a nature programme…
"What kind of sick cosmic joke is this?" Colin thought as he tried to avoid Ryan’s eyes while handing him the plate. Luckily, Ryan had switched channels and Frank Sinatra’s voice drifted into the bedroom. Colin had always liked Frank Sinatra. At his wedding, the first dance had been on a Sinatra song.
"Do you want me to change the channel?" Ryan asked.
"Why? I like Sinatra…"
"I know, but I thought….maybe…..memories, you know. Your first dance with Deb was on a Sinatra song, wasn’t it?"
"Yeah,…. It was" Colin was touched that Ryan remembered "Can’t believe you remember that.."
"Oh, I remember everything about your wedding" Ryan replied softly before looking away and taking a bite of his cake "Wow, this is delicious, have you tried some yet? It’s great!" If Colin was bemused by the sudden change in topic, he didn’t show it.
He sat down on the bed, leaning his back against the headboard and took a bite of his cake. Ryan was right, it was delicious.
"So, what are we watching?"
"I don’t know, I think it’s a Sinatra Special, do you want me to turn the TV off?"
"Nah, I don’t mind a bit of music in the background, how’s Pat by the way, sorry I haven’t asked before"
"She’s fine, staying with her parents for a bit"
"The kids?"
"Oh they’re great, Sammy is turning into a real ladies’ man you know" Ryan couldn’t keep the grin off his face.
"A chip off the old block then eh?" Colin chuckled, but Ryan didn’t seem to think it was funny.
"No need to point out my shortcomings, Col….. I know I’m not much to look at…" "All skin and bones, just like you said" he thought to himself
"Hey, now who’s putting himself down" Colin nudged Ryan gently. He had really meant it and it bothered him that Ryan thought he was joking.
"Well, it’s true, isn’t it…. I’m too tall, too skinny, my feet are too big and my nose…."
"Hey, hey…..stop it. Who said all of this?"
"Pat and eh…..you….." Ryan looked down at his empty plate, avoiding Colin’s gaze.
"Pat? Pat said this to you? And hold on a minute, *Me*!? When did I say this?"
"You make jokes about it and eh…before, when you said I wasn’t snuggling material…" Ryan couldn’t prevent his cheeks from blushing "Damn, he felt awkward, he shouldn’t have said this much….what’s wrong with me? A bit of sympathy and I put out like a nymphomaniac who hasn’t had any for 10 minutes…"
"Oh Ry, I wasn’t serious! Of course I’d snuggle with you…..eh, boy, that sounds all wrong…" now it was Colin’s turn to blush. Ryan peeked at him from under his lashes and saw his friend’s discomfort. He thought Colin had never looked more adorable…. "What I meant was…eh…."
Ryan was looking him expectantly and Colin was at a loss for words.
"I’ve got to pee." Smooth Mochrie, very smooth….
"Huh!?" Ryan was so surprised he burst out laughing
Colin got up and dashed to the bathroom. Once in, he locked the door behind him and leaned against it… " Oh God!" This was going even worse that he expected…..Out there, Ryan was in his bed "*on* your bed, *on* your bed" and he had looked so adorably when he had looked at him from under his eyelashes…. "Look, he’s only *on* your bed because you don’t have any other furniture and the sofa is too uncomfortable for his back! It doesn’t mean anything!" but his treacherous mind was playing tricks on him. If he’d been a woman, he would have sworn Ryan had been flirting with him. "Stop it! He’s your friend, don’t betray his trust like this" Colin wanted to cry at the hopelessness of the situation…
Meanwhile, in the bedroom, Ryan wasn’t having it any easier. "You’re a fool Stiles, and a desperate one at that! My god, did you see the shock in his eyes when you were being all insecure and shamelessly begging for compliments….You’re revolting. I bet he’s in the bathroom trying to figure out how to get rid of you" Ryan wanted to cry at the hopelessness of the situation…
He got up and wandered into the kitchen to get himself a drink. He needed one. He planned on getting royally smashed. Not in Colin’s apartment, of course. He’d just have one, then Colin would come out of the bathroom, throw him out and he would find some hole-in-the-wall where nobody would recognise him and drink himself into oblivion….He reached for the scotch he’d spotted earlier and proceeded to pour himself a glass. Then he noticed the strawberries. He’d always liked strawberries. He’d really brought them for Col but he was sure Col wouldn’t begrudge him just one.
He picked one up and bit into it "Oh, they were good, so juicy…." He closed his eyes in appreciation, his hand, holding the other half of the strawberry, hovering in front of his mouth.
Which is how Colin found him when he went into the kitchen to get himself a drink. He was planning on getting royally smashed. He was sure Ryan would want to leave, so he’d just have the one before facing him again, and then he’d drink himself into oblivion after Ryan’s departure...
He walked into the kitchen couldn’t stop a gasp from escaping.
There was Ryan, standing in the middle of the kitchen, eyes closed, juice dripping down his chin…It was like a scene from a bad porn movie but it was too much for Colin’s battered emotions.
Ryan had heard a gasp and when he opened his eyes he saw Colin standing in the door opening, frozen and staring at him as if it was Christmas and he was the turkey….
He waved the half-eaten strawberry in front of his mouth and said " Hope you don’t mind but I….oomph" Suddenly he found himself forcefully pushed against the wall as Colin pressed into him.
"What….." and then Colin’s mouth was on his and all conscious thought left him…..He wanted to wrap his arms around Colin but he couldn’t move them. Colin had them pinned against the wall, leaving Ryan very little room for movement. He suppose he didn’t mind too much if Colin kept kissing him like that……
Colin was in heaven. Ryan was in his arms and he was kissing him and he tasted of strawberries and the chocolate cake they had earlier. He couldn’t help himself as he rubbed his hips against Ryan’s, groaning softly at the sensation. Then Ryan tried, again, to move his arms and he made a soft keening noise in the back of his throat and suddenly Colin snapped out of the trance he’d been in since he had seen Ryan savouring the strawberry….
"What the hell was he doing? He was forcing himself on Ryan and Ryan…Oh God, Ryan had been trying to get away but he’d held him against his will and…." He looked at Ryan. His lips were bruised and his eyes had glazed over "You did this to him you animal, he’ll never forgive you!" he looked down to where his hands were holding Ryan’s wrists and he saw the angry marks where no doubt, the bruises would be in the morning.
"Oh Ry, I’m so sorry….." he whispered. The he turned and fled.
"Wh...what? " Ryan’s brain cells were still trying to recover from the waves of pure pleasure that had been assaulting them and before Ryan realised what was happening, Colin had gone……
Known knowns VI
Colin ran and Ryan panicked. "Where the hell had Colin run off to?" His first instinct was to run after him but Toronto was a big place, Colin could have gone anywhere….."What am I going to do? He must have panicked. Why did he panic? I thought he was enjoying it?" A thousand questions whirled in Ryan’s mind. He picked up his abandoned glass of scotch and drained it in one gulp.
"Right, think Stiles, think! Maybe, he’ll come back. Maybe he’ll think I’ll leave"
He decided to give Colin an hour to return. He might give Deb a ring; she was a friend after all.
"Hello?"
"Hey Deb, it’s Ryan"
"Ryan?! Aren’t you at Colin’s?"
"Eh, yeah…"
"Well, not that it isn’t lovely to talk to you but why are you wasting your time on me when you could be talking to Colin? Is something wrong? " Her voice suddenly sounded worried.
"No nothing’s wrong, apart from the fact that I nearly had sex with your soon to be ex-husband whom I‘ve been secretly in love with for so long I’ve forgotten when it started…So, how are you?, sorry to hear about your divorce….Hm, that might not be the right approach.."
"Eh, Col has just stepped out for some air….How are you? I’m sorry to hear about the divorce"
Deb’s voice took on a steel quality " Ryan, did you fight with Colin?"
"No, no, not at all, we just eh…. Well, look, I can’t explain it, alright…. He just went out for some air" Ryan panicked slightly…. He didn’t want to hurt Deb’s feelings, he couldn’t possibly tell her what happened between Colin and him.
He heard Deb sigh "look, Ryan, just tell me what happened ok….I can’t talk to you if I don’t know how much you know…"
"Huh, what? What do you mean?" Ryan was thoroughly confused now.
"Did you and Colin talk? Did he tell you anything?"
"Eh, yeah we talked. We talked about the divorce. But he swears there’s nobody else Debs, honestly! And I believe him!"
A sigh again from Deb’s end "Ryan, do you love Colin?"
He didn’t hesitate "Yes, of course I do, he’s my best friend!"
"No, I mean, do you *love* him?" Deb prayed she was right about this…. Colin was so going to kill her if she was wrong…. But she had a feeling something happened between the two men that Ryan was reluctant to share with her. And hopefully that meant only one thing…. If she knew Colin at all, he had probably freaked…..
"Debs….." Ryan sighed. He wanted to lie to her but he couldn’t. He’d kept it inside for far too long " Yes….yes, I do…… but he doesn’t love me and nothing’s ever happened!" he rushed out the last bit.
"Oh Ryan" She sounded exasperated "…..go look in Colin’s wardrobe. There’s a shoebox at the bottom, open it……and when you see him, tell him I’m sorry I broke my promise…" and then she hung up.
"Well, that was bizarre…." He thought to himself "wardrobe….shoebox…sorry about breaking a promise….what the hell was going on…."
He went back into the master bedroom and opened the wardrobe. There it was, just like Deb had said…. "It’s just a shoebox…" he thought, as he picked it up "It was heavy though…."
He took it over to the bed and made himself comfortable, putting the shoebox in his lap.
He opened it but all he could see was wads of what looked like cards, wrapped in sheets of paper. Some wads were bigger than others but the box was bulging at the seams with them. He picked a random wad and unwrapped it. "Postcards… they were all postcards", he turned them over. He recognised Colin’s scribble straight away "Why would he keep postcards he’s written..?"
Then he saw his name….."It was addressed to him…" He quickly flicked through the pile of cards in his hand. They were all addressed to him…."what the hell….."
As he read through the cards he got more and more confused…. Colin had evidently thought about him a lot. It looked like he had written a card from every town or city he had performed in when touring. But he had never sent them… "Why not?" The content didn’t give him any clues either…. It was just every day talk, like you’d write to your wife if…."wait a minute…." He flicked back through the cards…."….Like you’d write to your wife…" Every card was signed off with "I miss you, X Col"
In itself that was nothing out of the ordinary, they often confirmed they missed each other but *that* combined with the volume of cards *and* the little "X" was enough to spark a little flutter in Ryan’s chest and then there was the mind-blowing kiss in the kitchen…. "Maybe…..maybe…..could it be true?" He had to find Colin…. He had to know once and for all… He looked at his watch, more than an hour had passed…. That was it, "time for action Stiles"
He put on his coat and closed the door behind him. After checking it had locked properly, he walked to the lifts. Where would Colin have gone? The beach, it wasn’t far from the penthouse and it would be quiet at this time of night…." Ryan decided to trust his instincts and made his way to the shore of Lake Ontario. There was an enormous stretch of it but Ryan would have crawled on his hands and knees through broken glass if it had meant finding Colin….
He had walked for about 45 minutes and despair had started to sink in when he saw Colin’s familiar form. He was sat near the shoreline, in the sand. Arms around his knees, head hung low.
He must have been out here for nearly an hour and a half and he wasn’t wearing a coat. "He must be freezing" Ryan thought, as he took off his coat. He approached Colin slowly, making sure he didn’t make a sound and draped his jacket around Colin’s shoulders. Colin was startled and looked up. When he saw Ryan, there was fear in his eyes and he tried to get up but Ryan had anticipated that and had kept his hands on Colin’s shoulders, effectively pinning him in place.
"I’m so sorry Ry, so sorry…." Ryan could tell Colin was close to tears.
He rubbed his shoulders in small, soothing circles "I read the postcards Col" he felt, more than he heard, Colin gasp. "I also phoned Deb, she told me where to find them….. and she said to tell you she was sorry she broke her promise…."
At his words, Colin started rocking backwards and forwards as much as Ryan’s hands on his shoulders would allow him "Nonononono….so sorry Ry, so sorry"
"Are you in love with me Col? Is that why you are getting a divorce? Is that why you wrote the postcards? Is that why you kissed me? Tell me, I need to know sweetheart…." He made his voice soft and pleading.
"I’m so sorry Ry…didn’t want you to know….Do you hate me?" Colin’s voice was hardly audible over the surf. The endearment had obviously escaped Colin…
Confident that Colin wouldn’t try and run off, Ryan released his grip on Colin’s shoulders and moved to sit in front of him on his knees. Colin hung his head and refused to look at him.
"Col….look at me…"
Slowly Colin lifted his head, his eyes red-rimmed and tearstains on his cheeks.
"Colin Andrew Mochrie I love you……totally, utterly, devotedly…… I love you so much it hurts. You are the kindest, most talented, funniest, handsomest man I’ve ever met and I never thought I’d have a chance with you…..May I…." Ryan watched as the fear in Colin’s eyes turned into amazement, then disbelief.
"You….*you* love *me*?" Colin interrupted him.
"Completely……."
"Oh Ryan…." And suddenly Colin launched himself forward, knocking Ryan over so he was flat on his back with Colin on top of him. Colin was covering his face in little kisses, nipping at his jaw and his neck "Love you so much….." kiss, kiss "never thought…" kiss, kiss "wrote you ‘cos I missed you.." kiss, kiss. Then, as abruptly as he’d started, Colin stopped.
"Wh…what?" Ryan looked up at Colin "Why’d you stop?"
"What about Pat, Ry? You’re married; you’ve got kids….."
"I’ll get a divorce. Pat will be pleased; I think she’s seeing someone else…." A flicker of hurt crossed his face. It *had* hurt when he discovered his wife was most likely cheating but not because he still loved her. It had hurt because if she’d been honest about it, they would have divorced sooner and he would have been free to spend more time with Colin.
He looked at Colin who was looking at him, uncertainty in his eyes….
"Is that why this is happening Ry? Because you think Pat is cheating and you’re feeling lonely?" Colin sounded questioning rather than accusatory.
"No Col, I’ve felt like this for a long time but you were married and… " Suddenly Ryan rolled them over so he was covering Colin’s body "well, I wasn’t unhappy *exactly*… I thought it’d be enough to see you and I would just lust after you in secret…."
"Lust?" Colin squeaked…
"Oh yeah….love and lust, definitely lust"
"Oh…." Colin let out a breathless sigh at the predatory look in Ryan’s eyes.
Slowly Ryan lowered his head and lightly brushed his lips against Colin’s. He felt Colin’s arms tighten around his waist and that spurred him on to kiss Colin again…..
He lowered his head again to repeat the action but this time, instead of brushing, his lips lingered and he started nibbling Colin’s. He felt Colin open his mouth and his tongue darted out shyly. Their previous kiss in the kitchen had been far more aggressive but this was soft and questioning. He could feel Colin moving underneath him and it excited him beyond belief. He moved his hips, pressing down on Colin’s and he was rewarded with a groan from the Canadian….
He kissed Colin again, opening his mouth and he was delighted when Colin mimicked his action.
Soon, they were kissing as ferociously as they had done earlier that evening. Colin was arching his back, pressing into Ryan and Ryan could feel the evidence of his arousal. He moved his hand, un-tucking Colin’s shirt and soon his hand was roaming over bare skin. Not to be outdone, Colin moved his hand under Ryan’s shirt, lightly scraping his back with his fingernails….
Ryan moaned into Colin’s mouth at that and with an amazing display of self control, he tore his mouth away from Colin’s.
Colin gasped at the loss of contact and shot an alarmed look at Ryan.
"Ry?....."
"Oh Col, the things you do to me……" Ryan exhaled forcefully, trying to get his emotions under control "but I don’t want our first time to be out here on the beach, in public…Can we go home?"
"My apartment?"
"Uh huh……. The bed was so comfortable, which is good because I intend to spend a long time in it….."
"With me?"
"Oh yes, most definitely with you…."
"Good….."
Ryan rolled off Colin and stood up, holding out his hand to help Colin up, never letting go of his hand, Ryan pulled him along "Let’s go…..I have an idea about those strawberries I brought…."
The end
Ryan sat in the dingy bar, smoke curling around him and a jukebox was blearing out some sappy Christmas song that made him want to puke until his eyes crossed. Christmas…who the fuck needed Christmas…Nearly 30 years they’d been together….30 years and it means nothing to him…he just turns his back on it, like that! Ryan wanted to be angry. Angry was good! Angry would stop him from feeling as if his heart had been ripped out of his chest and danced on by an entire mariachi band…. But he couldn’t be angry with Colin, no matter how much he wanted to.
He knew he had himself to blame. He’d been taking him for granted.
They were so comfortable with each other that the time of planned seduction and evenings spent staring at each other over a candlelit dinner had well and truly passed. Not that he regretted that, not at all.
Colin felt like home to him, he’d always been able to do that to him. It didn’t matter what sort of day he’d had, as soon as he walked through the door, he started to relax and by the time he had walked into the kitchen and kissed Col, he felt as though he’d never been away. Sure, the all-consuming lust and passion they had shared in the beginning had been great, exhilarating and exciting but he’d trade it in any day for the feeling of belonging and being home that they shared now. But it would be over soon….. Ryan had seen Colin pack an overnight bag. He knew Colin didn’t have anything arranged work-wise. First, he had thought Col might be planning on whisking him away for the Christmas holiday, but when he had hinted at it, Colin had just looked at him blankly and he had not dared to mention it again…
Instead, he had taken to watching Colin and that’s when he started noticing things. Things like the overnight bag and the fact that Colin never seemed to spend a Saturday at the house anymore. Sometimes he would even be away two evenings during the week. He’d try and make out as if it was nothing when Ryan confronted him with it, saying he was just seeing friends but Ryan didn’t believe him.
"Where are you going?"
"Oh, I’m just going over to Mike’s"
"I thought you’d been there last week?"
"Eh…yeah…..he asked me to come round again"
"I’ll come with you, I’ve not seen him in ages.."
"No!, I mean, I’ll only be a few hours….we’d just be talking about comics…you’d be bored…He’s just bought a first edition of Superman.."
"When will you be home?"
"Why? Did you have any plans?"
"No…I just thought…you know, we could do something…"
"Do something?"
"Yeah, together….go to the movies or something…"
"I don’t think there’s anything on that I want to see…"
"I thought you said there was this European flick you were interested in?"
"That was last month Ry, you didn’t want to go. It’s out of the theatres by now"
"Oh…..sorry about that"
"Doesn’t matter….look, I’ve got to go. Another time, yeah?"
But the other time had never come and instead, he’d found one of Colin’s shirts, stuffed at the bottom of the laundry basket, with something that looked suspiciously like lipstick on the collar.
And now he was here, in a seedy bar, in a part of town where even the rats, Ryan was sure, had hired their own protection in the shape of a racoon with a baseball bat….
Colin had gone out earlier, the third time this week and he hadn’t even bothered to come up with an excuse. He knew he needed to go home and challenge Colin, put an end to this, to them, but he couldn’t. He didn’t want to, *couldn’t*, imagine a life without Colin. People always saw him as the dominant one, but that was only because Colin had always been there at his side, ready to back him up whenever he needed to. And now, somewhere along the way, he had managed to lose him.
He looked at the clock and saw it was nearly 7.30. Colin would probably be home in an hour or so.
He paid his bill, squared his shoulders and made his way home.
Colin was nothing if not predictable and when he came in at 8.30, Ryan was ready for him, going straight for the jugular.
"Who is she, Col"
"What do you mean?"
"Your whore, your bit on the side, who is she?"
"What are you talking about? I don’t *have* a bit on the side!"
"Oh come on, Col! How stupid do you think I am! You’ve been creeping out of this house nearly three times a week, sometimes taking an overnight bag with you! What are you doing? Gradually moving your stuff over to her place so that one day I come home and you’ve left completely?"
"There’s nobody else Ryan, there hasn’t been for 30 years..."
"Don’t *lie* to me Colin! I’ve found one of your shirts with her lipstick on the collar!" Ryan saw that he’d hit home with that one, as Colin paled significantly.
"Ha! Now will you admit you’re seeing someone else! I know you are Col. Every time you come back after one of your "outings", you’re short and surly with me. You don’t want me to touch you and it takes you at least a day to get back to normal. Don’t think I haven’t noticed!"
"Alright…." Colin looked defeated and at his admission, Ryan’s feeling of triumph suddenly evaporated. He had been so busy getting Colin to confess to his indiscretion, that, for a minute, he had lost track of what it would mean for them...
"So, it’s true then…why, Col? Why?"
"I don’t want to talk about it now…." Colin looked around for a piece of paper and when he couldn’t find anything, he grabbed a used envelope and scribbled something on the back "here, be there at 5 and ask for Ella Hayes" he handed Ryan the scrap of paper with an address on it. "I’ll meet you there"
"Are you crazy?" Ryan looked Colin as if he’d grown a second head. "Do you honestly think, for one minute, that I’m going to meet the slut that’s responsible for breaking us up after 30 years?! 30 fucking years Col! How could you?!"
"It’s not what it looks like Ry…"
"Fuck off Colin" Ryan was beyond angry. Tears of rage and grief were making their way down his cheeks and he knew he looked a mess, which frustrated him even more. He wanted to appear as if it didn’t matter to him that Colin was shagging some chit of a girl but he couldn’t… because it did matter. It mattered a great deal…
"Just meet me there Ry, and I’ll explain everything" Colin put a hand on his arm but he yanked it away, as if the touch burned him.
The next day, he really tried to ignore the time but as it got closer to five o’clock, he started twitching. He didn’t want to go but he likened it to seeing a train crash…It was awful to see but it was hard to look away. Gritting his teeth and unable to stop himself, he made his way over to the address Colin had given him… train wreck indeed…only, after he was done with Ella –man-eater- Hayes, there’d be a hell of a lot more blood and missing body parts… That thought cheered him up somehow, and he spent the rest of the way over, thinking what he would do to the floozy…..
The address Colin had given him turned out to be a clinic, and an expensive one at that by the looks of it... For the first time since the whole sordid mess started, Ryan was worried. Was Colin ill? Maybe he’s dying and he wanted to keep it from me? Maybe Ella Hayes is his doctor…. Since when have you heard of doctors being so friendly with their patients that they leave lipstick marks on collars you numb-nuts He scolded himself as he walked towards the reception desk.
"I’m here to see Ella Hayes"
"Mr Stiles?"
"Yes"
"She’s been expecting you. She’s in room 301. It’s on the third floor"
"Thank you" OK, not a doctor then…what the hell is going on here?
He made his way up to the third floor and quickly found room 301. As he stood outside the door, his hand poised to knock, he could hear giggling coming from inside. That was it! They knew he was coming and they were laughing at him! He threw the door open, ready to scream bloody murder and rip the bitch limb from limb, to be confronted by the biggest bluest eyes he had ever seen and a smile that lit the room.
"Big bird!! You came!" The greeting was so joyous and so heartfelt and the scene so unexpected that Ryan was lost for words.
The room was dominated by a hospital bed and in the bed was girl, propped up by pillows and surrounded by balloon animals. She couldn’t be more than 10 years old. She clapped her hands, as she turned to the clown….the clown? What the hell…Ryan thought, as he swept his gaze over the figure in the ridiculous garb.
"Big bird’s here! You said he’d come and now he’s here, Squeeky!" The girl obviously knew the clown and she seemed terribly excited about meeting him too…What sort of twilight zone did I wander into? Ryan thought to himself. And….Squeeky? That’s a terrible name for a clown!
"Eh…..I think I may have gotten the wrong room….I’m looking for Ella, Ella Hayes?"
The girl in the bed laughed "I’m Ellla, and you’re funny! Can you do any tricks?"
"Eh…." He looked at the clown, who seemed to be staring at him intently. He stared at him and realised he knew the big brown eyes that were staring back at him.
"Col?"
"His name is Squeeky" Ella said indignantly.
"Sorry….you’re right…Squeeky" he couldn’t help pronouncing the name as if he was doing the sound effects game and suddenly he realised Colin must have picked the name because of it.
Ella was laughing hysterically at the sound and at the fact that Colin, or Squeeky, had looked behind him as if panicked, when Ryan had made the sound. This only spurred Ryan on further, and he made the sound again. This time Colin dropped to his knees, frantically searching under the bed for the origin of the noise. What followed was a game of sound effects the likes of which Whose line had never seen. Ryan made Colin dash through the room as if he were chased by a bear, only to run into a beehive and whilst he was trying to get away from the swarm of angry bees, he made him fall into a pond and on it went… Ella was laughing so hard, she had tears in her eyes. The game would have continued, if a nurse hadn’t stuck her head round the door to tell them visiting hours were over. Ryan actually felt disappointed.
Ella held out her arms and he hugged her carefully.
"Will you come back Big Bird?" She asked.
"I’d love to Ella but I need to talk to Squeeky about it…He might not want me to come back.." Ryan suddenly realised what he’d done to Colin. He’d accused him of lying, cheating…and all the time, he’d been here….He swallowed.
He saw Colin hug Ella just as carefully and honk his nose in gesture of goodbye. As soon as they’d left the room, Ryan grabbed Colin’s arm.
"Why didn’t you tell me this yesterday?"
"You didn’t really want to listen Ry…."
"I’m sorry Col….The thought of losing you drove me crazy.."
"How could you think that after 30 years together, I would so much as look at somebody else?" Colin sounded hurt.
"I know, I know…but…you kept disappearing, and then you’d come back and you were off with me and when I found the shirt with the lipstick….I lost my head, you know" He dragged his hand through his hair. "How was I to know the lipstick was your own?" he grinned sheepishly.
"You should have trusted me…"
"I know I should have but it’s hard to think clearly when your life seems to be disintegrating in front of you….why didn’t you tell me you were doing this? And how did you meet Ella?"
"I couldn’t tell you Ry, I was worried you’d talk me out of it….and I didn’t want to be talked out of it"
"Why would I try and do that? I think it’s a great thing you’re doing. I’m sure Ella will start feeling better soon and it must be great to feel you helped her recover quickly from whatever it is she has." Ryan was mildly surprised.
"She’s dying, Ry, she’s not going to get better "Colin sniffed
"What? But she didn’t look that sick.." Ryan was shocked. The girl was so young and had looked so full of life…
"I know….it’s hard…in the last month I’ve lost three….all under 12" Colin sniffed again "I thought you’d stop me from doing it because I’d get too personally involved….and you’re right….I am….after I’ve visited here, I find it difficult to return to normal life…that’s why I was off with you….all I could think of was these poor kids…"
Ryan looked at him, slumped against the wall, dressed in a gaudy clown’s outfit, his make up running because of the tears that had found their way down his cheeks and he felt his heart was about to burst with love for this man. After 30 years together, this man could still surprise him with his selflessness and his empathy…. He pulled Colin into a hug, stroking his back gently, as he whispered
"I love you so much, Col. If this is what you want to do, let’s do it together…"
Colin looked at him "But you *hate* hospitals…."
"But I *love* you…..and what you’re doing is great….I want to help you, if you’ll let me…Do you think Squeeky could have a helper?"
Colin looked at him, a hint of mischief in his eyes and Ryan knew exactly what he was going to say, so he answered his own question, just as Colin spoke
"Sure, you’ve already got the shoes…."
"Sure, I’ve already got the shoes…"
It’s funny, we normally don’t go to premieres, preferring to stay in, cook together and open a nice bottle of red but tonight we did. It was all very glitzy and everybody was dressed to the nines and I have to admit to feeling slightly out of place. It was only the slight pressure of the hand in the small of my back that stopped me from bolting.
I saw her the minute we walked in. She saw me too and flashed a brilliant smile in my direction and within seconds I was assaulted by flashbacks from my youth. I spent so many nights praying to God, or whatever deity I had conveniently taken a shine to at the time, to make her mine that the words immediately came back to me "Please, God, let her notice me tomorrow…and when she does, let her like me and then I’ll marry her and we’ll be happy forever. Please…if you do that for me, I’ll never ask for anything ever again, I promise" but it never happened. She knew of me, I pined silently for her and that’s the way it stayed until I graduated and moved away. For years after, I felt cheated by God. I had wanted it *so* much and I had prayed *so* hard…
I had been 16 at the time and I don’t think I had ever wanted anything so badly in my entire life. The sun seemed to rise and set in her golden curls and her body, well, I don’t think I need to explain…..and here she was again. She had made her way over and as she shook my hand, I noticed that her golden curls were still golden, but they didn’t seem as natural as they once did. She still had a striking figure but I could tell she had changed and that she thought the same of me. We chatted amiably for a few minutes but it was clear we had nothing in common. From the corner of my eyes, I could see at least six guys leering at her, and it made me smile a little. She must have noticed the interested audience too, and it seemed she quickly figured out that I wasn’t interested in her in that way anymore. She gushed how wonderful it was to see me again and that I should come and see her when I was in town but we both knew it was just an empty offer.
As she walked away, I looked at my companion and smiled. We’ve clocked up nearly ten years together now. Well, *officially* anyway. Unofficially, it’s many more and I can’t imagine anyone being more perfect for me. It occurred to me then that, had I been listened to all those years ago, my life would have played out very differently and not necessarily for the better. The realisation hit home and I silently thanked God for my unanswered prayer.
"Who was she Col?" A hint of jealousy, which I find insanely flattering because I know I’m not young anymore and I have filled out a little around the waist, I know that too.
"An unanswered prayer, Ry, that’s all"
I grab his hand, wishing I could kiss him, to dispel the uncertainty that lingers in his eyes but we are in public and we prefer to keep a low profile. I smile at him and he must have seen she means nothing to me because he ducks his head and gives me a shy smile in return and I, once again, thank God for unanswered prayers…
You could be happy……
"You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
More than anything I want to see ……….."
"Damn song!" Ryan thought as he flicked off the stereo and wiped the moisture from his eyes. But he couldn’t deny the lyrics were apt. Colin *could* be happy without him. He probably *was*. He had hadn’t spoken to Colin in nearly a year. Not since their big bust-up last year….. He’d been such a jackass…
"But it’s my birthday Ry, I want to be in Toronto with Luke, my friends…"
"So, what does that make me? Just your fuckbuddy? "
"That’s not what I meant Ry….I like your friends but that’s what they are, *your* friends.."
"Well, maybe if you made more of an effort to come over, you’d get to know them a bit better!"
Colin sighed "Ry, we’ve been over this…..I have work commitments, you know I want to see you but my work is in Toronto..."
"You could come and live with me in Bellingham, you know you don’t have to work. You know I can’t come to see you that often, you know how I feel about flying"
"You could come over to Toronto and live here…"
"I can’t do that, I have a career. I do more than prancing around in a tutu…." As soon as he said it, he regretted it "Look, that’s not what I meant…Dammit Colin, why do have to make everything so difficult!"
"You mean, why don’t I do your bidding because you’re the one with the career" Colin had said, bitterness evident in his voice.
"For god’s sake, I don’t need another nagging wife you know! I had one and divorced her!"
"Don’t compare me to your wife, you jackass!"
"Then don’t behave like her!"
The argument had spiralled out of control faster than a toddler on a sugar rush and had ended with Ryan exclaiming that they were over. He had slammed the phone down and had been furious for two days. He had waited for Colin to phone him but when he hadn’t heard from him after a week, he phoned him. Brad answered.
"Brad? What are you doing there?"
"Ryan…" Brad’s greeting was decidedly frosty." I’m here for Colin"
"Why, what’s wrong with him?" He’d been instantly worried.
"I didn’t realise that was any of your business anymore" More frostiness.
"What do you mean?! Of course it’s my business! He’s my…" Ryan had hesitated. Colin had wanted to make their relationship more permanent but he had always refused. He hadn’t even bought him a ring, even though he knew Colin had wanted it.
Brad saved him the trouble of coming up with a suitable term for Colin by interrupting him "You broke up with him Ryan, or did you manage to conveniently forget that? Too busy with your career maybe?" There had been some real venom behind Brad’s words and it had instantly ignited Ryan’s anger.
"Look, you jerk, whatever happened between Col and me is exactly that!! between him and me! Let me speak to him!"
"He doesn’t want to speak to you"
"What!?!"
"You heard."
" Let. Me. Speak. To. Him.!" Ryan ground out.
"No" and Brad hung up on him. Ryan was beyond angry. He pressed speed dial and rang Colin again. Brad answered, again…..
"Look, you useless piece of…" and he was speaking to the dial tone. He hit speed dial again but this time it was the answer machine that picked up. He ranted and raved, but nobody picked up.
Eventually he gave up and when he tried the number the next day, it had been disconnected. If he hadn’t been so scared of flying, he would have taken the first plane to Toronto to speak to Colin face to face but the idea of travelling in one of those glorified lunchboxes with wings had paralysed him. Driving over would have been madness, so he did nothing.
A week later, a van pulled up in front of his house and the driver started unloading various boxes.
He’d gone out and asked what the man was doing.
"Ryan Stiles?" The man had asked, clipboard in hand.
"Yeah….."
"If you could sign here please…" and then the clipboard was waved in front of his nose.
"Hold on a minute, what am I supposed to be signing for?" Ryan was confused.
"Mr Mochrie requested these were delivered to you sir. He also asked you’d be given this" the man handed him an envelope with his name on it. He recognised Colin’s scrawl immediately. He ripped open the envelope and a single sheet fluttered out. It only had two words on it "Your things"
Ryan gasped.
"Sir?.....Sir? Could you sign this please?" again the clipboard was waved in front of him.
"Will you get that damn thing out of my face!" he growled as he had angrily signed the form.
He had lugged the boxes into his living room and randomly started opening them. The first two weren’t that bad. Just CDs, DVDs, some of his books…..but the third box nearly proved to be his undoing. It had seemed fine when he’d opened it; it just held his clothes but when he lifted them out, the smell had assaulted him. It was Colin’s smell. He closed his eyes and buried his nose in the sweatshirt he’d picked up. It almost felt as if he was holding Colin. They had often shared clothes, Colin using his clothes more than vice versa. When he had made fun of Colin wearing a jumper that was too big for him, Colin had shrugged and said "I don’t care, it smells of you, I like it…" and had continued preparing dinner. And now, all his clothes smelled of Colin….
Ryan sank to his knees, face buried in the jumper, trying to get as much of the smell as he could and cried. He couldn’t seem to stop. He couldn’t believe Colin had closed the door on him. True, they’d had arguments before; their courtship had not been easy. Both had still been firmly married when, after one too many beers at a wrap party, they had found themselves sharing a kiss as part of a dare. Everybody had laughed it off but when the party had ended, Colin had grabbed Ryan’s wrist and had pulled him into an empty dressing room where he had proceeded to kiss the living daylights out of him.
The day after, both had blamed it on the alcohol and pretended nothing happened.
But it wasn’t sustainable and eventually it had been Colin, again, who had taken the first step. One day after taping had finished, he knocked on Ryan’s trailer and had confessed he was in love with him and had been for a while.
That had been the start of the most wonderful and most agonising time of Ryan’s life. The feelings he realised he had always had for Colin exploded and he couldn’t so much as look at his friend without wanting to drag him off to the privacy of his trailer to have his wicked way with him. Colin, however, had flat-out refused to have an affair with him while they were both married and had not even allowed so much as a few stolen kisses.
"I don’t want to cheat on Debs, Ry" Colin argued "I’ve been married to her for a long time; none of this is her fault. I want to do right by her and I want you to be honest to Pat."
"But……"
"No buts… we’ve talked about this. I love you and I want to be with you. If you can’t say the same, you have to tell me. I don’t want to be waiting for something that’s never going to happen. Please, just be honest with me Ry…."
"Col, I love you, I really do but this…this…..It’s hard you know."
"I know…..I know"
Ryan returned to his family after the tapings had ended and Colin had gone back to Toronto. He promised Colin he’d tell Pat but every time he’d wanted to broach the subject, he’d floundered.
He just couldn’t do it. He loved his kids, he loved Pat and with Colin thousands of miles away in Toronto, it seemed as if nothing had ever happened between them. He could just slip back into his old life and forget. Which worked. For a few days.
Until, one Sunday night when the kids had gone to bed, he was sitting in front of the fire with Pat. They were enjoying a glass of wine when Pat said "Why didn’t you tell me Colin and Debra are getting a divorce?"
"What?" the question caught him unawares.
"Debra phoned me today; she told me Colin asked for a divorce. You didn’t know?" She sounded surprised.
"Uh…..yeah, he mentioned it"
"Do you know why?"
He tried to work out if she was playing him, if Deb had told her the reason and she was trying to trick him.
"Did Debs not say anything?" he managed to give his voice an innocent lilt.
"Well, she was obviously upset, I didn’t want to ask….. Has Colin said anything to you?"
"Uh……" he hesitated which Pat took as a confirmation.
"He did, didn’t he?! Is he seeing someone else?! I know he’s your friend Ryan but cheating on your wife! My god, the bastard! I wonder who was mad enough to get between the sheets with him. Ugh…he’s hardly a catch!"
"Pat, stop it" but Pat was so furious on Debs’ behalf that she failed to hear the warning tone in his voice.
"I mean, my god, Captain Hair indeed! And how did he ever meet anybody?! He never says anything, he just sits in a corner!"
"He’s just shy Pat, let it go…"
"Shy?! Have you seen him on stage? That man is not shy, he’s a first-rate manipulator with those big doe eyes. Doe eyes my ass, it’s just an act! I bet he’s been bedding girls half his age for years!"
"Pat!" Ryan thundered "It is not an act for fuck sake! He really is that shy! Col would never manipulate anyone in his life! He hasn’t cheated on Debs, he didn’t want to do anything before the divorce came through! God knows I…." his mouth snapped shut as he realised what he nearly said. He looked at Pat. She stared at him, eyes wide, mouth slightly open as if she was about to say something.
"Pat, I……"
"Oh. My. God…" Pat stared at him, fury building in her eyes "You!? And him?! You filthy bastard!"
"Pat…" he tried
"Get out of my house! Get out! Get out! " Pat picked up her wineglass and hurled it at him. She missed by a considerable distance but Ryan got the point. He grabbed his keys, coat and wallet and left.
He drove to the nearest hotel, checked in and phoned Colin.
"I told Pat about us…." That wasn’t strictly true but he didn’t see the point of having an argument with Colin as well.
"Oh, how did she take it…."
"I’m in a hotel….."
"Oh….."
"What are we going to do Col?…."
"I love you Ry, we’ll get through this.." Colin had promised and Ryan had believed him.
The following months were fraught with stress, tears and tantrums. Where Colin’s divorce was amicable, Ryan’s had seen more mudslinging than a monster truck rally. On top of that, he didn’t get to see as much of Colin as he liked. Because Ryan would not fly, it was Colin who had to do all the travelling but work commitments played havoc with their free time and the icing on the cake had been their argument over Colin’s birthday. Looking back, Ryan could see why Colin had wanted to spend it in Toronto and not just with him in Bellingham. I was just so selfish…demanding he’d spend his birthday with me in Bellingham because I’m too scared too fly….Of course he’d wanted to be in Toronto….I should have just had somebody knock me out before boarding a plane. Colin was right to refuse. I can’t believe I was such an ass…..I love him so much…..God knows what he’s doing now…..haven’t spoken to him in so long…..maybe he’s seeing somebody else…
Oh, this is getting me nowhere!
Ryan looked at his itinerary again. It was madness. Absolute, certifiable madness. He didn’t even know how Colin would react. He might slam the door in his face. But ever since he had thought of the plan, he couldn’t let it go. He couldn’t give up on Colin. He was going to drive down to Toronto, a round-trip of more than 5000 miles, knock on Colin’s door, beg him to give him one more chance, present him with the ring he bought and they would live happily ever after…. Well, that was the family friendly version. The reality was likely to be far less Disney Channel and more like Animal Planet….where the pride of lions tear into a juicy wildebeest, that part….. God, I’m not looking forward to this…
The next day dawned and Ryan was exhausted. He hadn’t slept a wink. Was he doing the right thing? Maybe his timing was all wrong… Going over to Toronto and be in time for Colin’s birthday, his 50th no less, had seemed a romantic thing to do when he thought of the plan but now it just looked damn stupid. The argument over Colin’s last birthday had caused them to split up, and here he was, a year later, still hopelessly in love with a man who might not even piss on him if he were on fire and he was going to surprise him. On his birthday. On his 50th birthday. So, there would probably be a party. A big party. A party with all the people that had sided with Colin over their split and who, he suspected, made little Ryan voodoo dolls on their days off. Maybe I should rethink the whole plan, I mean, it’s not much of a plan anyway, maybe I could just ring him and tell him how I feel…..yeah, very heartfelt Romeo…you know what Col’s like, nothing if not a romantic, you need a big statement, sweep him off his feet…..God, why is this so hard……
He knew it was mainly nerves. Everybody always thought he was such a tough guy but really he was more like a little kid. Ok, a little kid with some serious anger management problems sometimes, hence the splitting up with Colin, but a kid nonetheless. With Colin’s birthday a little over a week away, he needed to get his act together. He had calculated that, if he were to average about 500 miles a day, it would take him just over 5 days to get to Toronto. It was now eight days until Colin’s birthday, so he should be there in time. He packed his car, checked his maps and last but not least, he ensured he had the two most important things he needed for this trip. The Ring and The Letter or, as he liked to call them privately, Heaven and Hell. The ring was heaven because if Col accepted it, his life would be complete again. My god, when did I turn into this melodramatic idiot….sad sack, he scolded himself but he knew deep down how much it meant to him to get Colin back and if that made him more sugary than Ms Saccharine Sugar, living in Sweet Street in Sugarville, well, he’d just have to learn to live with it.
The other option was more realistic but also far less appealing. He had written Colin a letter in case the door was slammed in his face. He hadn’t had to think about it. As soon as he sat down, the words had come and within 10 minutes he had written down his regrets, his hopes and his apologies. It wasn’t high prose, but it was heartfelt and he was sure Colin would recognise it as such. If Colin refused to see him, he planned to leave him the letter and retreat gracefully to the nearest bar.
He patted his inside pocket and felt the two familiar items. He pulled them both out and put them on the passenger seat of the car. He looked at them for a minute and wondered how two such innocent looking items could represent, and produce, such a whirlwind of emotions.
He picked up the little box, opened it and stared at it. It was a very plain band made of brushed titanium and very different from the wedding rings they had both worn previously. He closed the box, put it back on the seat and reached for the letter. He took it out of the envelope and even though he had read it so many times he’d had it memorised, he read it again.
Dear Col,
If you’re reading this, it means you wouldn’t let me in. To be honest, I didn’t think you would. I’ve been such a bastard Col and you can’t imagine how sorry I am.
I drove down to see if there was any way you could forgive me and take me back.
I suppose I knew the answer before I left Bellingham but I had to try. I didn’t want to have to wonder "what if" for the rest of my life. I love you so much Col and I’ve been such an idiot.
I’ve bought you a ring. I was going to ask you to marry me if things had gone well. I have been half agony, half hope for so long now, I couldn’t go on without trying one last time. I needed it settled once and for all. And now it has been.
I can’t blame you for not wanting me anymore, you’re an amazing, wonderful man and you deserve happiness. I hope that whoever is lucky enough to have your heart, will realise how fortunate he is and what a precious gift he’s been given. I was stupid enough not to and I will regret it more than you will ever know. I have loved no one but you. I may have been weak and resentful but never inconstant.
Yours,
forever,
Ry
He sighed. It would have to do. He refolded the letter, put it back in its envelope and put it under the ring box on the passenger seat. Right….that was it….he was ready. He took a deep breath, started the car and began what felt like the longest journey of his life.
Three days after Ryan had left Bellingham, 2700 miles away in Toronto, Colin doubled over in pain. The pressure on his chest and in his head was enormous. He gasped for breath, which alarmed Brad, who immediately rushed to his side.
"Colin? Are you alright? What is it?"
"pain…..chest"
"Oh my god! Do you think you’re having a heart attack? Doesn’t matter, I’m phoning an ambulance!"
The pain was so intense, Colin blacked out. When he came to, he was being wheeled into the back of an ambulance, with Brad hovering as close as the paramedics would allow him.
He tried to move the oxygen mask that was covering his mouth but one of the paramedics stopped him.
"Sir, it’s really important you keep that on for the moment. We’re going to take you to hospital to be checked out"
Colin shook his head violently. He didn’t want to go to hospital, he wanted to stay home. His birthday was five days away and he didn’t want his party clothes to be the kind that closed at the back and *still* left your buttocks hanging out. On the other hand, it could make for an interesting party…
Brad had noticed Colin was less than keen on going to the hospital and for a moment he was torn between respecting Colin’s wishes and his desire to ensure Colin was alright. In the end, he chose the latter. He sat next to Colin in the ambulance and pressed his friend’s shoulders back onto the gurney.
"Col, you’ve got to let them take you to the hospital, you passed out man. They need to make sure you’re OK. I promise I’ll take you home as soon as they let me. "
Colin looked up from the stretcher and realised Brad was shaking slightly. He must be really worried. He let himself be pushed back and nodded slightly. Brad sighed in relief. He’d been prepared for Colin to protest and he didn’t know if he could have remained adamant about the hospital visit. Those brown eyes could make him do virtually anything….he sighed again If only he *would* let me do *anything*. Brad briefly thought of Ryan. What an idiot that guy had been, to throw away a life with Colin because he had as much control over his emotions as a five year old. He remembered the phone conversation he’d had with the man. Ryan had demanded to speak to Colin but Brad had said Colin didn’t want to speak to him. Occasionally he still felt guilty about that little lie. Colin had said no such thing, in fact, had Colin known Ryan had rung, he probably would have returned his call and they would have gotten back together and that would have been bad for Colin. Brad had known that. Ryan Stiles was bad news. He trampled over people’s emotions like a water buffalo over a rice field and he had the tact of a used cars’ salesman. God knows what Colin sees in him! When Ryan phoned, Colin had just stepped out to get some air, so it had been easy for Brad to delete the rants Ryan had left on the answering machine. He’d also contacted the phone company and had the number changed. When Colin asked why, he’d told him fans had gotten hold of the number and had been ringing it. Colin seemed to believe it. He fully believed Ryan would try harder to get Colin back but when he didn’t try and contact him again, Colin had resigned himself to the fact that they were really over. When Brad suggested packing Ryan’s things and sending them to him, he was a little appalled. It had seemed so final.
"Maybe I should speak to him first…"
"Oh for god’s sake Colin, talk about being a martyr! Here Ryan, there’s a part of me you haven’t stood on yet! He behaved disgracefully! And it’s not the first time!"
"But….. I love him"
"I think you’re better off without him, ever since you two got together he’s been a pain. "
"He was under a lot of pressure; he did leave his wife for me you know…."
"Maybe he’s regretting it…" as soon as the words left his mouth, Brad felt guilty. He saw the hurt flash in Colin’s eyes and he damned himself thrice over. "I’m sorry, of course he’s not regretting it I.." but Colin had interrupted him.
"No, you’re right Brad…. Maybe he is regretting it….In all the years I’ve known him, he’s never behaved like that….I’ve known him for so long, maybe he doesn’t want to tell me he’s made a mistake leaving Pat for me….. Ry’s not very good at admitting mistakes you know….. I love him but if he’d rather be with Pat then….well, I can’t compete, can I? I’ll go pack his things….You’re right, he would have phoned me by now to say he didn’t mean it but he hasn’t even tried, so…. I suppose that’s my answer….."
Soon all reminders of Ryan had gone and Colin had tried to pick up his life again. Brad came over a lot, under the pretence of trying to cheer him up but really he just wanted to be near Colin. He’d fallen for him hard and fast but realised that with Ryan on the scene, he didn’t stand a chance. Now that he was gone however, he reckoned his chances had improved dramatically.
The ambulance came to a stop, which jerked Brad back to the present situation….He looked at Colin who still looked too pale for his liking. The paramedics opened the doors and explained they would be taking Colin to be admitted. Brad would have to remain in the waiting room whilst Colin was undergoing tests.
He looked at Colin again and tried his best to sound confident "I’ll wait for you Col, I’m sure we’ll be going home tonight,"
Colin didn’t look convinced but nodded anyway. He raised his hand as in a greeting as he was wheeled away and for an insane moment Brad thought that that might be the last time he’d see Colin. Fear gripped him as he sank down in one of the plastic chairs. "What if….what if…."
But for a change, luck seemed to be on Colin’s side. He was released the same day and all his tests had come back negative. The doctors couldn’t find anything and they couldn’t explain the sudden onset of pain. They’d let him go the same day under strict instructions to take it easy for the next few days and Colin obeyed it to the letter until his birthday had arrived.
Brad had insisted he’d do all the work and to his credit, the place looked magnificent. For the first time since his break-up with Ryan, Colin felt happy. He had thought about Ryan a lot in the days leading up to his birthday. He couldn’t stop the twinge of hope that maybe, just maybe, Ryan would come over for his birthday, they’d talk things over and they’d make up. In your dreams, Mochrie. He doesn’t want you anymore. Not as a lover and not as a friend. Enough of this! Enjoy your party! You only turn 50 once! And with that, he picked up the tray with drinks and mingled with his friends.
The party was in full swing when the doorbell rang. Colin opened the door and was surprised when there were two uniformed policemen standing on the other side.
"Are we too loud officers?"
Unnervingly, the officers didn’t smile.
"Mr Mochrie? Is there anywhere we can talk?"
"Oh god, is it Luke? Has something happened to him?" Colin had gone from happy to panicked in the space of a heartbeat. Brad had joined him at the door, having heard the commotion.
"Colin? What is it?"
He turned to Brad "I don’t know, they want to talk to me but they haven’t said anything yet.."
"If we could just have somewhere to talk.." the officers tried again.
"Of course, of course, we can go into the study.." Brad put a hand on Colin’s elbow and guided him to the small room, just off the kitchen.
"Please, sit…sit"
"Mr Mochrie, you were listed as the next of kin for Mr Ryan Stiles and.."
"Ryan? What’s happened to him, is he alright? Is he in trouble?"
"I’m afraid he’s been in an accident sir…"
"Accident? Is he alright? Is he in hospital, can I see him?" Colin’s voice wavered when he saw the look on the officers’ faces.
"His car was found abandoned. It appears he had to swerve and the car skidded off the road. There was early snow and…"
"Early snow? Where the hell was his car found? It hasn’t snowed in Washington yet, has it?" Brad interrupted.
"We found a map book and an itinerary in his car. It seems he was driving to Toronto sir."
"For my birthday, he was coming to my birthday.." Colin whispered "where is he now?"
"We don’t know sir. We haven’t found a body yet"
"A body? How do you know he’s dead, he could be alive somewhere! Did you search for him?" Colin sounded desperate. The idea of Ryan being out in the snow, wounded made his heart twist.
"There was evidence to suggest the impact was severe. His car wasn’t found until two day after the accident sir. The conditions were harsh. We have searched the area around the scene of the accident but we haven’t found anything. There is a river near where the car was found. It is possible that Mr Stiles was thrown from the vehicle and…" the officer didn’t finish his sentence but Colin understood.
"Where was the car found? I want to go there myself. He’s alive, I know it"
"Colin, you can’t….." Brad tried but he knew it was hopeless.
"There is something else sir, we found this in the car " The officer handed Colin a small box and an envelope with his name on it. The envelope was stained with blood. Ryan’s…. Colin swallowed.
"Where was the car found?" Colin repeated again, determination in his voice.
"Sir…we can’t…."
"Give me the damned location or get out of my house…."
"Sir, we understand it is…."
"Understand?!?! Understand??!!! You understand nothing!! He might be out there, alone, hurt! Tell me where the accident was or I’ll…….!!" Colin was shouting but he didn’t care.
Brad tentatively put a hand on his arm, only for it to be shaken off violently. "Get them out of my house, get everybody out of my house. I’ve got to pack! I’ve got to find Ryan!"
Brad ushered the officers and the stunned guests out. He said Colin had had some bad news and that he’d ring them later to explain. The guests had heard the shouting and understood something was wrong. Some offered to help but that was politely declined by Brad.
After everybody had left, he went back into the study. Colin was on the floor, sobbing. In his hand was the letter.
"Colin….?"
"He loves me, he was coming for my birthday, he was going to ask me to marry him…. Ryan…. .Ryan" All Brad could do was sink to his knees and wrap his arms around Colin and try to console the inconsolable.
They sat like that for more than two hours, Colin’s sobs slowly died down and he burrowed into Brad’s arms looking for comfort. Brad felt utterly useless. He had obviously underestimated Ryan’s feelings for Colin. He’d always seen the tall American as aloof, obstinate and quite frankly, as a huge pain in the ass but when he read the letter, a grudging respect had started to blossom. When he read the line about Ryan wanting to try one more time, guilt raced through him. Colin, in his grief, had not picked up on it…. He would have to tell him about the phone calls…. Not now though… Colin had enough to deal with…Sure Sherwood, that’s the reason…it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you’re a slack jawed mediocrity of a man who’s too worried about being kicked out of Colin’s life for good once he finds out what a deceitful bastard you’ve been..…
"I need a piece of leather string"
"Huh?" Colin might as well have asked Brad to Glaze his nipples and call him Sally. It was so left field that Brad didn’t have a clue what Colin was on about.
"For the ring, I want to wear it"
"Why don’t you put it on your finger?"
"No, I want to wear it, but Ryan will put it on my finger. He’s still alive Brad, I know. I would have felt it if he had died"
"and the string is for….?"
"I am going to wear it around my neck and when I find Ryan, he will put it on my finger" Colin sounded determined and Brad didn’t feel like bursting his bubble.
"OK"
"I’ve got to find out where they found the car. I’m going to pack. I’m leaving as soon as I can"
"I’ll come with you"
"No, I need to do this alone"
"Colin, you can’t go out there on your own, what if *you* have an accident?" Brad was genuinely horrified at the idea of Colin traipsing around unfamiliar territory on his own.
"Brad, *I* need to do this. I need to be alone for this. I’m taking my phone, maps and food with me, you can ring me anytime you like but I’ve got to do this on my own"
"What will you do if you can’t find him"
Colin looked at him and for a flitting moment, Brad read the answer in his eyes.
"I’ve got to pack" was all that Colin said, as he looked away.
"Colin!" Brad grabbed Colin’s arm "Promise me you’re not going to do anything drastic!"
"I’ve got to pack" Colin said stubbornly as he jerked his arm free of Brad’s grip.
"No, not until you promise me you come back here in one piece. *Alive*" Brad put emphasis on the last word. But Colin left the study without saying a word
In the end, getting hold of the location of Ryan’s accident was easier than he had expected. When he’d phoned the force dealing with the accident, it turned out that he, as a next of kin, was allowed on the scene, provided the officers on the ground gave permission. A few phone calls later and Colin had the coordinates. Colin was ready to go to the airport to charter a flight when Brad told him about a friend of his.
"He’s a chopper pilot. I’ve phoned him. He’ll fly you in as close as he can get, then you’ll have to hire a car but it will…" Brad didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence as Colin had enfolded him in a bear hug.
"Thank you, I won’t forget this.."
"I’ll drive you to the airport"
By the time Colin had made it near to the site of the accident, it was too dark to go out. He got a room at some two-bit motel, had a shower and crawled under the covers. He didn’t feel sleepy in the least but he wanted to be fit and rested for tomorrow. He fingered the ring on the cord around his neck and thought of Ryan. He had missed him. During the year they’d been apart, it had become clear to him how much he had lost and now the thought of never seeing him again was too horrifying to entertain, so instead he tried to focus on what he would do when he found him.
He fell asleep with a little smile playing on his lips.
The next day, Colin rose as the first light came through the window. He packed his things in the car and set off to the crash site. As he was driving, he thought back to Brad’s words. What was he going to do if he couldn’t find Ryan? He didn’t really want to entertain the thought. And if he was truthful to himself, he didn’t know if he *could* answer. His hand drifted to the leather cord and the ring around his neck. Ryan *couldn’t* be dead, not when he still felt such a connection to him… But maybe he was deceiving himself…. Reading more into things than he should. Maybe it was just his hopes and dreams that made him imagine the connection between them…..
The scene of the accident was easier to find than he had thought. He’d been apprehensive about seeing it, wondering if he could face the site of blood, Ryan’s blood, colouring the snow but it turned out, all the evidence had been cleared up after the initial investigation had been finished. The car had been towed away, and the snow had been turned over. If he hadn’t known about it, Colin would never have realised that anything had ever been amiss.
He got out of his car, unfolded his map and started walking. He quickly found the river and started following it downstream, searching the banks for clues but he found nothing. He searched, called, sobbed and screamed for Ryan but all that greeted him was the absolute stillness of nature, the sound of snow melting resembling the sound of his own tears as they fell. Colin stayed for 8 weeks. Methodically searching area by area but never finding anything. He refused to believe that Ryan could just disappear off the face of the earth but after eight weeks, he had to concede defeat. He went back to the original crash site, piled up rocks he had picked up and put a wooden cross in it.
He took a step back and whispered
"I’ll be back Ry….. I will come back on my birthday and I will keep coming back until I’ve found you…..I love you….always."
And he did come back the next year, and the year after that but he never found the faintest trace. He gave up doing comedy, simply not having the drive for it anymore. It all seemed to have lost its shine.
On the third anniversary of Ryan’s disappearance, Colin found himself once again face to face with the small pile of rocks and the wooden cross. It was weathered but still there.
"Ry…..I’ve got to tell you something…..This will be the last time I’m here…..I can’t do it anymore… every time I come here, I hope that this is the year I will find you again but it never is……and it gets harder and harder to leave here…..If it were just me, I would just lie down here and stay with you but Luke…. I can’t leave him….he needs me…..I’m afraid that if I keep coming back, one year, I won’t go back to him and….." Coli couldn’t finish the thought. He hated the idea of leaving Ryan, even though there was nothing *to* leave. There had never been a body and the pile of rocks had always been purely symbolical but still….. In his heart he felt as if he was giving up on Ryan. Rationally he knew there was no such thing. He still wore the ring on the cord around his neck, never even taking it off to shower and he had not entered into a new relationship, even though Brad had made it quite clear he was interested.
The sound of a dog barking interrupted his thoughts. A dog? Here? That was strange…. Colin had never met anyone in all the time that he had spent here. He peered into the woods on the other side of the river but couldn’t see anything. The dog barked again. Then a voice
"Dog?! Dog?!" the voice was a little hoarse but Colin would have recognised it if it had been a whisper…..It was Ryan’s voice. But it couldn’t be! What sort of cruel trick was this!?
Colin made his way over to the river, trying to get closer to the voice, hoping to catch a glimpse of the speaker.
He thought he saw something moving but he wasn’t sure. I need to get over to the other side of the river. He looked around for a place to cross but the river was swollen and nowhere looked safe enough. Then he heard the voice again, further away than it had been before but he still recognised it as Ryan’s. For some reason, he didn’t want to yell out. He couldn’t really explain it to himself. He looked at the river again…. It probably wouldn’t come any higher than his waist…. But it would be cold and there was the risk of hypothermia…. But it might be Ryan on the other side…. All these thoughts crossed his mind in less than thirty seconds and he had barely finished the last thought before he waded into the fast flowing stream. It was cold, very cold. He bit his lip in an effort to withhold the scream that was building in the back of his throat. All of a sudden it was vitally important that he didn’t alert the stranger (he couldn’t call him Ryan yet, he didn’t want to hope too much) to his presence. He reached the other side of the river without too many problems. He had been right, the water hadn’t come higher than his waist but he was soaked to the skin and very cold. Walking became more and more difficult as his waterlogged shoes felt even heavier than they did before. He made his way into the woods; going into the direction he heard the voice last and hoping for the best. He tried peering through the trees but the forest was dark and not a lot of natural light managed to get through the canopy of trees. He trudged on, feeling cold and desperately lonely. He must have been imagining things. It had finally happened, he’d gone mad with grief…. That must be the explanation, he…. Suddenly he was grabbed from behind and pushed against a tree. An arm pressed against his throat, effectively pinning him in a chokehold and immobilising him, his face pressing side on into tree, which meant he couldn’t see the face of his attacker. But he could smell him, and he smelled familiar. Then he heard the voice again, close to his ear this time and not filtered through trees or drowned out by the noise of a river.
"Who are you and why are you following me?" He knew then, without a doubt that it was Ryan. The cold had seeped into his bones and this combined with the attack and the sudden realisation that it was Ryan who was holding him captive, was too much for Colin to handle and he fainted.
The first thing he heard when he drifted back into consciousness was the voice of a woman.
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