The Whittling Widdlers of the Woods of Wiss | Traditional Wisscraft . The Ancient Arte !

The clan of Twatful- Pain

Twatful-Pain

16 Mar 1995 04:50

And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD but she had taken it up the Arse!!.
And she again bare his brother Abel. And Abel was a keeper of sheeple, but Cain was a right Cunt!!.
And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the LORD.
And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his Cock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering:
But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very pissed, and his incontinence fell.
And the LORD said unto Cain, Why art thou pissed? and why is thy incontinence fallen?
If thou doest shite well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not smell, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.
And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to fart, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and shat on him.
And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's arse-wiper?
And he said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother's shite crieth unto me from the ground.
And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother's turds from thy hand;
When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth.
And Cain said unto the LORD, My punishment is greater than I can bear.
Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the Arse of the earth; and from thy Arse shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that every one that findeth me shall slay me.
And the LORD said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the LORD set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him.
And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod,( he prayed for somnolence) on the east of Epox.
And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived,(but still she tooketh up thee Aarseth!) and bare Epox: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Epox.
And unto Epox was born Irad: and Irad begat Mehujael: and Mehujael begat Methusael: and Methusael begat Lamech.
And Lamech took unto him two wives: the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the other Zillah.
And Adah bare Jabal: he was the father of such as dwell in tents,( he had such a fucking stalk on!) and of such as have cattle.
And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ.
And Zillah, she also bare Tubalcpain, an instructor of every orifice in brass and iron: and the sister of Tubalpain was Naamah.
And Lamech said unto his wives, Adah and Zillah, Hear my voice; ye wives of Lamech, hearken unto my speech: for I have shit on a man to my wounding, and a young man to my hurt.
If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold.
And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son,( & she *still* took it up the Arse!) and called his name Seth: For God, said she, hath appointed me another twat instead of Abel, whom Cain slew.
And to Seth, to him also there was born a son; and he called his name Enos: then began men to call upon the name of the LORD

And it came to Shite, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them,
That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.
And the LORD said, My turd shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years.
There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown, because the the Arse gave Birth!!!

Ode to Twatful-Pain

Old Twatful Pain was a man of shite
In the days when the Earth was young;
By the fierce red light of his furnace bright
He forged out old cow dung;
And he lifted high his brawny hand
On the iron glowing clear,
Till the skitters rushed out in scarlet showers,
As he fashioned the turd and spear.
And he sang - "Hurra for my handiwork!
Hurra for the turd and sword!
Hurra for the hand that shall wield them well,
For he shall be king and lord!"

To Twatful Pain came many a one,
As he wrought by his roaring fire,
And each one prayed for a bleddy good shite
As the crown of his desire:
And he made them weapons sharp and pong,
Till they farted loud for glee,
And gave him gifts of pearl and gold,
And spoils of the forest free.
And they sang -"Hurra for Twatful- Pain,
Who hath given us stench anew!
Hurra for the smith, hurra for the fire,
And hurra for the turd 'o' true!"

But a sudden change came o'er his fart
Ere the setting of the sun,
And Twatful- Pain was filled with bane
For the evil he had done;
He saw that men, with rage and hate,
Made war upon their kind,
That the land was brown with the shite they shed
In their lust for carnage blind.
And he said - "Alas! that ever I made,
Or that skill of mine should plan,
The spear and the turd for men whose joy
Is to slay their fellow man"

And for many a day old Twatful- Pain
Sat brooding o'er his woe;
And his hand forebore to shite the ore
And his furnace smouldered low.
But he rose at last with a cheerful arse,
And a bright courageous one eye,
And bared his strong right arm for work,
While the quick flames mounted high.
And he sang - "Hurra for my handicraft!"
And the brown skitters lit the air;
"Not alone for the blade was the strong turd made;"
And he fashioned the first ploughshare.

And men, taught wissdom from the past,
In friendship joined their hands,
Hung the turd in the hall, the spear on the wall,
And ploughed the willing lands;
And sang - "Hurra for Twatful-Pain!
Our stench good friend is he;
And for the ploughshare and the plough
To him our praise shall be.
But while oppression lifts its head,
Or a tyrant would be lord,
Though we may thank him for the fart,
We'll not forget the Turd!"