The Whittling Widdlers of the Woods of Wiss

Welcome to the Web of The Whittling Widdlers of the Woods of Wiss

Come all ye who wish to partaketh in ye Ancient ways of the Whittlers

We are a pre-christain Coveen of Ancient Traditional Crafters , wise in the Wiss of ye Olde ways.

To Join this highly secretive Tradition, one has to partaketh in the drinketh of ones wisseth ( Armitige Shanks Best ) then one becomes Initiated ( Inebriated) into our path

We are not Amused by certain claims to ye Olde TRUE ways of the Wisser !

We do not participate in rituals with dangly bits hingin oot , nor do we see the need in calling the quaters , we do things in PINTS !

We do not proselytize & we are not evangelical!

If you do NOT join us, then you WILL be forever at the pearly gates upon your death whishing you had!

ARE YOU INITIATED ?

Merry Fart & Bloated be

wolverine

W.W.W.W.    

 I can assure you all, gentle prospective members, that the Wolvie Whittler does NOT tell fibs! Indeed, never have I witnessed such wonderfully creative Widdling. (And especially when the moon is fat. )

I speak as one Initiated into the ways of the original Olde Tradition of the Bushe, without which no potential Widdler can begin working.

In case any would be members are concerned about their aptitude for this Path, I would advise some proper research; unfortunately much of what has been written is flawed, being the product of wannabe Widdlers, and having NO real resemblance to the One True Stream of Ancient Knowledge, as passed down from Grannies of Olde.

Our Path can be traced back to the Tena Ladies, keepers of the ancient Widdle Lore since the dawn of history. And only wee can tell you the REAL meaning behind such enigmas as:

Stonehenge,
The AOGB - aka the Ancient Order of the Golden Bottle,
and much much more...

Do you dare to take that first welly booted step?

Check out our Forum  http://thewissers.atfreeforum.com/forum.html

I shall be indisposed for a wee while, as I have to carry out some in depth interviews of the Tena Ladies - apparently a new branch has sprung a leak in Inverness, land of the Picts, and I need to investigate.

This could shed light (amongst other substances) onto their practices in the Dark Ages, for which much valuable information was lost. This newish sect appears to have shreds of the fabled Shroud of Wee - and if wee can verify this, the implications are phenomenal!

Be aware too, that our esteemed Whittler Wolvie is currently engaged in updating our website. Wee want to SHARE!

Are you with us? Because you need to ask yourself that one simple question: "Either urine - or urout?"

 Regarding my communications with the redoubtable Tena Ladies, I am closer to obtaining a look at their Holy of Holies - none other than the world famous Shroud of T'urine! Unfortunately, whislt they have agreed to let me gaze upon the relic, they will not allow me to take flash photographs. It appears that as a sect which has survived persecutions down the ages, they are extremely wary of strangers, and avoid flashers like the plague.

However, I CAN tell you they meet wee-kly for a wee session with the bottles, where they dance around the Sacred Bush of their High Priestess, chanting rhythmically and flushed with their exertions. They call this the Dance of "The Black Bush Bottle" and ridicule attempts by some sects to translate this into various ditties whereby the singers purport to "come from the Goddess" and "Return with corn" or something similar. They assume the misinterpretation did however get the "drop of water" bit right...

                                                     Tena Lady Chants. By our Wisstress!

Wee of the Tena Following adhere to the Rule of Contraflow. Wee aim always to please. Wee are excellent at reversing, regardless of limitations experienced by lesser Wissers. Or indeed imposed by them and their minions.

Incidentally, the well known football supporters' chant of,

"Wee shall not, wee shall not pee moved"

is yet ANOTHER deliberate misrepresentation of the Wissdom. Personally, I blame the Xians for this one too. They stole one of our beliefs then perverted it to their own ends, turning a thing of beauty into an empty ploy forever!

The TRUTH - hidden within this ditty, is as follows:
It refers to wee. Obviously.
It also alludes to the beloved ancient sea chanty* of the Scottish Wissers - yet ANOTHER sacred relic of old!

It bears further witness to the need for secrecy, as the words,

"Shall not pee moved"

in fact refers to tightly bound bowels. One can just imagine the Seafaring Scots of old, straining at stool, and imploring the Powers That Pee for assistance. Their discomfort was in part due to a diet of ship's biscuit. It also concerns the Keeping of the Tight Rectum. If the rectum was NOT kept tight, then the sailors suffered commensurately. (Hence that other well known saying, "Rectum? Damn near KILLED 'im!")

To this end, these stalwarts began worshipping the sea chanty* which later became developed into an actual song, rather than the original sacred object.

* Few genuine Scottish chanties exist today. Those that have survived unshattered down the centuries are usually to be found hidden below the bed. This is another reason wee refer to the bedroom as the "bedchamber".

Thus endeth another excerpt from the Book of Shitows.

Blessed pee, and "strain away lads!"**

** best sung to the air of "The Organ Grinder's Baffflement."

 

I have been working with the last few Tena Ladies, and have been transcribing their Ancient Wissdoms, and I don't mind telling you - it has been EXHAUSTING. They are all very old, and many suffer from bouts of ecstatic spontaneous wissing,(Incontinantes) which can be very trying after a while. Others have varying degrees of senility and are given to "outbursts" of which I will say no more.
However, on the bright side, I have been able to take a peek at the fabled Shroud of T'Urine, and I can assure you all - it was amazing. How I wish I could have taken photographs, but as previously explained, the Ladies are a bit touchy about flashing.

 Wee are quite sincere, and always aim to please. And wee have buckets of knowledge!
Go in Pees,

 

 

                      

This is in answer to the boys on the guestbook :  Henk, Stenk, Ponky & Patt , be warned !!!!

*********8
I will tell ye EXACTLY what ye have done, minions of inveterate and pseudo spontaneous Wiss!angry:

Or rather - I will tell ye whatye have NOT done...

Ye have taken the notion of intrinsic Wissicality and have not treated it with phew respect. The Wiss is a liquid bestowed upon us from on high, and as such, its powers are full magical - when used CORRECTLY.

Those who do not properly revere the Rituals, and who allow their buckets to lie neglected whilst they merely cavort around PLAYING at Wissdom, will reap the wrath of the Tena Ladies!

This is no idle threat! I have personally witnessed grown Incontinantes who have erred from the Path to the Bush become reduced to a gibberring shadow of their former selves. Just imagine, if you will: Civil Servants reduced to accessing Giro drops, Lawyers reduced to serving in MacDonalds...
Need I elaborate further?

Ye must MAKE AMENDS!

Go unto the Privvy when the moon is fat. Take with ye the following offerings: Melons, cucumbers, and chillies, the Athame, the Bucket.

Prepare ye the way by drinking three pints of liquid, preferably cabbage water, and eating three lbs of Hazelnuts. (Masticate the latter thouroughly!)

Upon the scared table of the Armitage Shanks, prepare the vegetables and pour libations into the Sacred Bucket. Smear chillie juice upon the seat of ancient Wissdom.

Thereafter, whenever ye feel the pull and the moon is fat, sit ye upon the throne and experience the ecstasies suffered by those who have agonised before ye.

Thus endeth this lesson.

Blessed Bloat. Tas.:wink:

High Wisstres of W.W.W.W.

Coming soon The Golden Compiss Wiss!

Watch this space