It has been brought to my attention that Miss Claire-the-Pear-Churchill of Vicarage Road, Watford, has, on several occasions, commited acts of bad hygene, bad manners and of downright shitness, towards those closest to her.
In a meeting with Miss Imogen Gunner of Richmond Park Avenue, Bournmouth, on 9th July 2004, I discovered that Miss Pear-Churchill's reign of terror has been going on for at least ten months, but quite possibly more...
While casually mentioning the generous amount of faecal matter left in the toilet of East House Avenue, Stubbington, on 7th July 2004, by a Mr Patrick Balfe, Miss Gunner informed me that Miss Claire-the-Pear did exactly the same thing on their holiday a week previous. I expressed my disgust and enquired as to what action she took to remedy the situation (as my reaction to Mr Balfe's excrement was to build a story entitled Skidmark Man around him). She said quite plainly: "Nothing."
I could not believe this. Surely if someone had invaded a communal water closet with the inside of their rear end, the normal reaction would be a confrontation. But no, Miss Gunner proceeded to tell me that she "got rid of it". I was shocked. She got rid of it - surely that would be Claire-the-Pear's job. When enquiring about this matter of principal that I thought would have been universal, she just said: "Well I didn't want it there."
It was Claire-the-Pear's toilet and Claire-the-Pear's shit...think about it...
Miss Gunner continued to inform me that each of the three times Miss Pear stayed at her flat in Robbins Hall, Enfield, her toilet had been infested with Claire-the-Pear's waste matter. EACH OF THE THREE TIMES. I was sickened.
To make matters worse the third time this occured I had given Miss Pear-Churchill a toilet roll to put in her bathroom. The next day it was still on the desk, unused. Now she had obviously used the toilet...and there was also no soap on the sink due to Miss Gunner having vacated the property a few months prior...so...Claire-thePear's reign continued, and would continue to continue...
What a Pear...
If we now examine what she has been found guilty of, then we may be able to come to a verdict...
- Leaving skidmarks in her parents holiday flat in the Canary Islands and leaving Miss Imogen Gunner to remove them.
- Leaving skidmarks in Miss Gunner's flat in Enfield on three occasions.
- Wiping her faeces-encrusted arse with her hand and leaving it on there to dry.
- And having the nerve to blame me for poisoning her with a cheese roll!!!!!!!
On the grounds of rudenss, disgustingness and sheer shitness, I am sentencing Miss Claire-the-Pear Churchill to a year of constipation. In this year NEVER may she open her bowels, and ALWAYS must she have soap and toilet roll in her bathroom.
Take her down...
