What A Girl Eats

Who am I?

I am 24 yrs old.  I have been living with ana since I was 10.  Like many others, she went to sleep for a few years - but woke up furious on Feb 8 2006.  Here is my story.

My family moved to a new neighborhood just two weeks before I turned 10.  New school, no friends.  My younger brother and I actually rode our bikes around the neighborhood to see if there were any kids to play with.  Of course, I made friends eventually once we started school.  I was the tallest in the class...and the fattest.  Of course, I just thought I was.  I figured I had to be, the rest of my family was overweight.  We had moved to a ritzy area - everyone was tiny.  So...the emotional attachment began.  I hated myself.

12 years old - My mother couldn't deal with me.  So she shipped me off to live with my uncle under the pretense that he needed a nanny.  I later found out (from family and friends in the neighborhood) she just wanted to get rid of me.  So, I lived with my uncle for 6 months.  He has a mansion..with an underground swimming pool...so I used it.  Daily.  His family was thin too...so were all the people in school.  I ate oatmeal for breakfast.  Mountain Dew for lunch at school.  Then I would come home to (usually) rice and beans.  I would finish eating, and go swimming.  I would swim for hours on end.  I was 5'7 and 105 lbs.  But I was called the "fat kid" because of how tall I was.  I became more and more depressed, and began cutting.  I carved a heart into my arm...and used red and black markers to cover it up so no one would see it.  I turned 13 at my uncles.  I met my first "boyfriend" there too...his friends said I was ugly though...so he avoided me when they were around.  I thought it was me.   One night, I was 30 min late coming home for curfew.  My uncle told me I was going back to my parents...he couldn't handle me either.  He did have 3 little boys that looked up to me.  I guess being an anorexic/gothic/depressed teenager didn't go over too well.

15 years old - I met my long-term, married-one-day, boyfriend..  He made me feel beautiful.  After all, he had been dating (soon to be) professional models.  We started dating, and I started eating.  We would go out with friends all the time.  At first I was shy and wouldn't let him buy me food.  But, then I realized I was being kinda rude, so I let him take me out.  I was 5'9 and weighed 120.  But I looked good.  Luckily, I was well-endowed...most of the weight was in my chest.  Everyone asked if I was anorexic.  I was so proud of being thin.  But I kept eating.  Kept gaining....but only looked more mature.  I had nice curves, not fat.  It was amazing that I could eat and look so good! My sisters hated me.  One sister told me I got all the good genes...and because of that she was fat.

18 years - Still growing.  I finally hit 5'11.  (Luckily I stopped there...my sisters are 6'1" and my little bro is 6'5")  But I weighed 165.   Still looked good enough. A few pounds lost would be better..but I was proud everyone was shocked at my weight if I told them.  They all said I looked like I weighed 130.  I was proud of it.  Then I got sick.
Everything I ate or drank made me so ill, I would sometimes curl up on the floor just to try and squirm away from the pain.  It hurt so bad.  The doctors couldn't figure it out and told me to go on a "liquid diet" for a week.  Only thing was - drinking hurt just as bad.  So I tried drinking baby drinks that were high in nutrients.  They made me even worse.  Water was hard to drink too.  Once the week was up, I was shaking so bad I couldn't sit up.  In that one week I had lost 10 lbs. Then, the night before my Dr appointment, I was told to drink Phospho Soda (helps to clean your system out completely) but there was nothing in me.  I passed out twice in one hour. We went in for my doctors appointment, and when they tried to put IVs in my arm, my veins collapsed from dehydration.  Of course...all for not.  They couldn't find anything...but wanted to take my gall bladder out because "that could be it, but we won't know until we are in there".  I said no.  I lost another 5 lbs over the next couple of weeks.  But all of a sudden, got better.  It just..went away.  But my soon-to-be husband and I broke up....I was depressed. So I ate. And ate.  And gained 60 lbs in 3 months.

21 years old - I got married June '04.   I was upset because of how fat I was.  But my husband said I was beautiful.  I gained the "marriage weight" pretty quick.  Friends and family were asking when I was due.  I wasn't pregnant.  Strangers would ask when I was due.  It was humiliating.  My husband said I had to be healthy before we tried to have children.  At the time, I really wanted children.

23 years old - Feb 8 2006, I was watching "The Biggest Loser"...and thought "that can be me! I can be thin again!".  I undressed and weighed myself.  235 lbs!!!!!! How did that happen!  At least 100 pounds overweight....I was obese. O-B-E-S-E....what a frightening word.  I grabbed my digital camera and took pictures of myself in the mirror.  Disgusting.  I knew I had to lose weight.  So, I got on the computer and looked at all my old photos from when my husband and I started dating.  When I was beautiful.  And it all of a sudden hit me.  How could I have forgotton why I was beautiful.  It was so easy sliding back into the habit.  She had been there, in the back of my mind the whole time...sleeping.  But shes back...and I am happier than I have been in a long time.  Everyone is asking me if I'm losing weight.  It feels great.  I still have a long ways to go...but I will get there.

24 years old - I've been hitting goal after goal.  Feeling sexier by the day and more confident constantly.  I'm in the middle of a divorce.  That seems to make the pounds drop away.  I stopped eating for 24 days at the beginning of the divorce.  I lost 20 lbs.  But had to start again because of Thanksgiving.  Fasting seems to be the only way I can keep my head on my shoulders.  Stress means nothing when I can focus on fasting.

25 years old - I'm happy, and healthy.  Haven't lost any weight, but haven't gained any either.  Though my goal to lose more hasn't gone away.  So here it is - New Goal:  I will be to my goal weight by my birthday April 25th, 2009.   (I'm writing this on 8/20/2008...so that gives me 8 months to do it.)  I CAN and I WILL!

I actually found a few pictures of myself at my lowest weight at my current height (5'11).  If I remember right, I was about 125 in these pictures.  This is what I vow to get back down to - and then I want to drop to 120 as my UGW! *sigh* - APRIL 25th 2009 - here I come! :)

           

So here they are - Pictures I took at my highest weight (235 lbs), and picutres at my current weight (160 lbs).  I will post more when I'm at my goal (125-135 lbs)

Then (size 22)-

 

If you would like to send me an email, please feel free. 
However, I do not want anyone asking me how to become Ana.  I won't be part of it. 
Also, I ask that you don't send "hate" mail.  Obviously I can't stop you, its a free country - do what you want...but just know I don't care what you have to say about me, my life and my choices.  I'm sorry your friend died. I'm sorry your family member died.  And I don't care if you think I should die. Now that is out of the way, I have nothing else to say to you.
For the rest, I welcome any and all messages. 

what_a_girl_eats@hotmail.com

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