What A Girl Eats

So, I'm traveling with my team right now (as their massage therapist for those that weren't following my earlier posts).  That means a lot of eating out normally.  This trip is even longer than normal...so I decided NO EATING OUT!  Normal trips are 4-5 days...this one is 12 days.  ugh.  So, as soon as we got here, I bought water, apple slices, peanut butter, fat free yogurt and fat free string cheese, and grapes.  (I have a fridge in my hotel...so it stayed nice and cold).  I have logged everything over the last few days to give you an idea of how I've been doing.  When I get back home, I will find out how much I actually lost.  I noticed very quickly I'm losing weight rather rapidly. (and looking at my consumtion compared to my burn rate..makes sense)  My guess is 8-10 lbs when I get home.  I basically just told my team that I get really sick when I eat out for days on end.  I've also used the excuse that my doctor has put me on a special diet for a few weeks to clear up a medical problem.  People don't get on your case when you are secretive about doctors orders and medical crap.

I'm freaking out.  One of my projects I'm working on with acting requires I be in a bikini.  ugh.  I need to lose a hell of a lot more to feel ok.  So, without further ado - my diet log for those that might be interested:

(B=Breakfast, L=Lunch, D=Dinner, S=Snack, E=Exercise)

Fri, Sept 4  - 90 calories consumed, 750 burned

B - Coffee (cappuccino) - 90 calories

E - Swimming freestyle, 60 min - 750 calories burned

Sat, Sept 5 - 401 calories consumed, 917 burned

B - Sliced apple (1/2 cup) - 28 calories

      Coffee (Cappuccino) - 90 calories

S - Peanut Butter (3Tbl) - 282 calories

E - Massage Therapy 180 min - 917 calories burned

Sun, Sept 6 - 707 calories consumed, 1,574 burned

B - Coffee (cappuccino) - 90 calories

L - Veggie Sandwich/wheat - 230 calories

D - Grapes (2 cups) - 208 calories

S - Sliced apple (1/2 cup) - 28 calories

      1 Weight Watchers Cheese - 50 calories

      Yogurt (Key Lime Fat Free) - 100 Calories

E - Massage Therapy 240 min - 1,224 calories burned

      Walking 90 min - 350 calories burned

Mon, Sept 7 - 741 calories consumed, 917 burned

B - Yogurt (Key lime fat free) - 100 calories

      Coffee (toasted almond) - 30 calories

L - Veggie Sandwich/wheat - 230 calories

     Raspberry lemonade - 69 calories

D - Tossed Salad - 212 calories

S - Weight Watchers Cheese - 50 calories

E - Massage Thearpy 180 min - 917 calories burned

Tues, Sept 8 - 721 calories consumed, 1,667 burned

B - Yogurt (Very Vanilla Fat Free) - 110 calories

L - Coffee (Cappuccino) - 90 calories

D - Yogurt (Key Lime Fat Free) - 100 calories

S - Weight Watchers Cheese (x2) - 100 calories

      Sliced Apples (1/2 cup) - 28 calories

      Peanut Butter (2 Tbl) - 188 calories

     Grapes (1 cup) - 104 calories

E - Swimming (30 min) - 125 burned

      Massage Therapy 300 min - 1,542 burned

Wed, Sept 9 - 668 calories consumed, 1,689 burned

B - Yogurt (very vanilla fat free) - 110 calories

      Weight Watchers cheese - 50 calories

      Peanut Butter (2 Tbl) - 188 calories

D - Weight Watchers cheese - 50 calories

      Bumble Bar (Organic Energy) - 200 calories

S - Medium Orange - 70 calories

E - Bicycling 15 min - 62 burned

      Stairmaster 10 min - 97 burned

      Massage Therapy 300 min - 1,530 burned

It's weird.  I look at those lists and think "ew....porker! You ate SOOOO much!" .... even with my healthy brain telling me on the side "stupid...that's barely eating at all".... makes me sick to think I am eating over 200 calories.  For some reason, 200 has been my number.  I hate eating more than that.  Then I look at how much I'm burning, and I try to convince myself the extra calories are ok.  It's this stupid thought process that is waring in my head!  I know how to eat healthy. I know how to be healthy.  But my brain is fighting itself saying I need to eat less.  It's this feeling of doom if I eat.  Like I'm failing myself everytime food touches my tongue.  It has at times gotten to the point where I feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack.  Even eating what I do is a struggle...and I know the only reason I can get that down is because of my career where I'm so tied to health.  Some days I feel like I look good - other days (or sometimes the same day) I feel like a porker.  I look at the pictures of when I was obese, and it kills me that I ever got that way.  I look at my athletes, and they talk about the "fat" ones....and it makes me wonder what they think of me. 

While sitting in my hotel room - TLC had the "Top 20 skinnniest celebs" on.  They talked about how scary skinny they all are...and how unhealthy....and all I saw was what I wanted.

I feel like if I can get to that point...so many doors can open for me.  Thats the irrational brain speaking.  The rational brain says "Just work hard...you don't have to be scary skinny to land an awesome role!"  Then the irrational brain starts saying I'm just making excuses for myself.  It's that whole angel and devil on each shoulder I swear.

Wow....haven't gotten that all of my chest before.  I've never really talked about how I feel about food.  I've only ever told everyone what I just do.  Seeing it makes me realize I'm kinda messed up in the head. haha but...at least I am aware of that fact. ;)

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO - Stay Skinny, Stay Sexy, Stay Strong

So, I didn't mention this before - but I've started acting/modeling.  Well, if you read my last post - I mentioned drinking tea as part of my new way to stop eating and lose weight.  Well....today....a producer called and asked me to star in his commercial for a green tea specifically made for weight loss! haha  I thought it was so perfect!

 I'm not using their product right now...but after reading up on it, I just might.  Unfortunately, I can't tell you what it is...just because I don't want certain information linked back to me.  

So - I'm finally living my dreams.   I wanted to be a massage therapist, and here I am - with my own business that is thriving, and the only other thing I wanted to be growing up was an actress/singer/model. And I'm doing that too!

I can honestly say that losing the weight made it possible to be who I am today.  I would never have had the confidence if I were still overweight.  I am who I am now....and nothing can stop me.  Its so empowering to live your dreams.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO - Stay Skinny, Stay Sexy, Stay Strong

So, Here I am....long time no write, I know

Of course, if I'm back here it can only mean one thing....I'm back to fasting!  I haven't gained any since I last wrote, but I need to lose more.  I started acting and modeling, and I know I need to lose more fat and tone up a lot.  So....I started another detox today.   I'm trying something new!

I've decided to stop with the coffee in the mornin and instead start drinking red and green teas.  I've found a few weight loss teas.  And to add to the tea is a new supplement that a client of mine gave me (her brother sells it) to try.  Apparently it helps detox, energize and aid in weight loss.  So....for the next week or so I'm going to just drink the tea.  It says to drink a cup 3 times a day to curb cravings and keep you from getting too hungry.

I can already understand how acting can cause such severe body image problems, and I've only just broke the surface.  I have the lead role in a film...and it's freaking me out because there is a scene where I'm in bed waking up...and I just know I'm going to be wearing something skimpy.  Which means I need to look good. ugh. haha

My goal is to lose 25-30 pounds.  I know.  Seems like a lot, but you have to remember I'm 5'11.  And I'm not necessariy going to worry about the pounds as much as the inches. 

So - Day 1

I know I've been gone for longer than normal.  I've had my ups and my downs.  I lost 7 lbs. last week.  Stress is killing me.  I'm still loosing, but a little slower than last week.  I haven't been updating because I've been trying to focus on everything else.  And now that I know my boyfriend is reading this....I probably won't update again for a very very long time.  I guess this has been my little journal of emotional release.  Even though I don't say what is really happening on a daily basis in my life...it has helped me let loose some pent up emotions.  I appreciate all the comments and concerns from everyone.  I love reading my email and seeing someone thank me for inspiration or telling me I've done a great job. You have all been wonderful.

So, for now.  Take care all my lovely ed's.  And as always....

Stay Skinny, Stay Sexy....and above all....Stay Safe.

So, I guess this would technically be my third day of light fasting.  Basically eating under 400 calories per day.  I did very well today!  All I had were two fruit leathers (basically flattened fruit puree) - 45 calories 0 fat each.  And for energy, I had a Luna Bar (Whole nutrition for women) 180 calories 45g fat.  So a total of 270 calories and only 45g of fat.  Then I worked hard from 8am until 8pm straight. Unless you are a sports massage therapist...you have no idea how hard it is.  I have to ice my entire body by the end of the day just to get rid of the fatigue.  It's basically going to the gym for 12 hours straight. Of course, I did have small breaks thrown in sporadically, but they really only lasted for about 20 min each.  So...safe to say I had a good workout too.  Ugh...another day of this.  I love the workout, but my body is exhausted.  This is my 12th day traveling with the athletes....and my muscles are sssoooorrrreeeeee.  Which is why I'm not flat out fasting...just eating little.   I'll fast when I get home.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO Stay Skinny, Stay Sexy, Stay Strong

And again, I'm still horrible at keeping up on this.  I should be able to write more because I have a laptop now...but I always forget until I am in full swing with another fast or something.  Which, I'm sure you have guessed...I'm doing again.

I'm actually travelling with my team as their massage therapist right now.  We left October 22nd, and I don't get home until November 3rd.  2 weeks of having very few healthy choices.  We ate out for almost every meal.  I did what I could and ate either salads or fish.  Sometimes I didn't have much of a choice when the team went for burgers.  So...the first part of the trip we were in Wisconsin.  Then I went straight from there to Ohio where I spent a few days visiting with my sister, then headed back to the big city to meet back up with my athletes to finish the second part of my business trip.  I ate decent at my sisters cause she made homecooked meals, and I only ate once per day....so not too bad.  But I refuse to go eat out for the next 4 days.  I'm tired of feeling gross.  So, I bought some energy bars to keep me going since it is so exhausting working on these trips - but I won't be eating any crap.  Then when I get home, I only get a couple of days with my boyfriend before he has to go out of town with his team for a few days, so I will go straight to fasting again.  I will do my best to avoid eating while he is still in town.  So in the end, I'm hoping for at least a week of "being good".

I'm also going to hit the gym here at the hotel and when I get back home too.  Hopefully keep my energy level up and burn all the calories I'm not eating

I got new pictures taken while I was visiting my sister...and I look ok in the pictures I guess.  Healthy...but not as thin or tone as I want.  I'm lucky and have a very distinct jaw line that makes me look thinner than I am...but I need to get rid of the crap around my waist and thighs and back and arms and....everything! blah!  I need to feel beautiful again.  I honestly feel like I'm not good enough.  And that if I lose more weight I will be that girl everyone looks at.  I've put on a few pounds since I was at my thinnest after being obese...and it really really shows...and has really really affected my emotions.  I have to lose weight again.  I have to get control over this.  No more making excuses.  No more thinking it's ok.

Well, so far so good.  I've lost 4 lbs this week already!

Yesterday, I worked out on the eliptical for 45 min, then did some leg and ab workouts.  I injured my wrist, so no arms for the next little bit.

As for food - nothing.  Which I'm proud of.  After the gym, my boyfriend wanted to get some salads to have later.  So...I got one with him, but when it came time to eat it, I told him I wasn't hungry right then.  He was a bit suspitious, but was fine with it.  I know...no worries really eating a salad, but I'm trying to fast...and don't want to ruin it with anything!

Today so far I've had nothing, and will be going to the gym later on.

I know I know I know!!!  I disappeared for WAYYYY too long.  I've just been super super busy with massage.  I started my own private practice, and I'm still the head therapist for a sports team.  I travel a lot with the team, and work everyday basically at my office.  It's hard work, but fun!  So, now that I have basically caught everyone up on my life...I'll catch you up on why you're here.

Anyway....so, yeah - 3rd day.  I don't know how long I'm going to go.  Probably only 7, because my mom wants us to go for dinner on Sunday. (I started Monday)  But, I'm going to try to get out of it.  So far, my boyfriend has been too busy to notice me not eating.  He has had work from basically 6am - 11pm daily.  Yeah..we work hard.  Luckily he got time off today, and will have more time off the rest of the week.  But, then I work while he isn't...so it should be easy to avoid food with him.  I felt proud of myself because he went to get lunch while I was with him today...and I declined.  He didn't even question me other than saying "your stomach upset?" when I told him the chili cheese fries wouldn't sit well with me.  So I just said I was being good and the spices would tear up my stomach.  Which is all completely true.