The fiction universe of Jonathan M. Sweet encompasses many cities and towns across the South. Many of these towns have colleges, and many of those colleges have publications. The crack research team here at Smoking Cat--currently consisting of a drunken ex-circus chimp and a neurotic Siamese--has pulled up links to the webpages of some of the college and University newspapers that appear in Sweet stories. New ones will be posted for your perusal every time a new novel, short story, or story compilation is released to the masses.

Previous front page: The Champagne Island Dispatch

IN THIS ISSUE

Columnist takes issue with Speaker Naifeh's cracks

TOP STORIES                                                                                        

   STUDENT KILLED, IMPALED IN CAR ACCIDENT
                    by Rue Lancte, The Statesman staff

 Tarquin Haspel, 24, a senior fine arts major of Tupelo, MS and a member of the Iota Tau fraternity, was killed along with a passenger last Saturday night in a bizarre automobile accident.
 Haspel, who had been driving, apparently missed a turn on the highway near his house.
 "The car went over a small bridge," said Officer Carter Lavin of the Tupelo Police Department. "It hit the guardrail at better than seventy. It crashed through the rail. It hit the ground, barrel-rolled, and landed on a tree, which skewered the undercarriage like you would a weenie on a stick."
 Lavin said, "The hood was caved in. The windshield was obliterated. The wheels and axles were torn free and lost. The body of the car was riddled with holes from being punctured by broken branches. The inhabitants were dead before the car stopped moving."
 Haspel and his passenger, whose name has not been released, were thought to be under the influence of alcohol and other illicit substances at the time of the crash....     read more

STUDENT SUFFOCATES IN ROOM
 by Johanna Weems, The Statesman staff

 Mylas Genepe, 22, a sophomore communications major of Hackensack, NJ, was found dead in his bed in Louchester Hall early Monday morning.
 The cause of death was determined to be asphyxiation. 
 Genepe suffered from severe asthma. His air passages had been constricted through prolonged inhaling of his roommate Dennis Suna's excessive and frequent flatulence.
 "[Suna] consumed an extremely poor diet, much of which I am ashamed to say is served right here in our own school cafeteria," said Emilee C. Burch, associate dean of judicial affairs.
 She listed an impressive and unhealthy menu that included bacon cheeseburgers, chili, collard greens, boiled cabbage, eggs, bean tostadas, enchiladas, burritos, beans and franks, hot dogs, and "whatever struck his fancy".             
 "He ate a lot at the Taco Bell.  The [restaurants] are all around here," said Burch.
 "Dennis passed gas frequently, both in the dorm and in class."
 Burch said Suna was also partial to a maneuver called "The Lotus", which is passing gas into your hand, finding a suitable victim, and opening your fist under his nose to release the trapped flatus.
  As Genepe's bizarre death was determined an accident and not intended as murder, Suna, a junior life sciences major of Walnut Log, will not be charged with criminal activity.
 However, Suna said he plans to quit Cordell Hull University at the end of the year.
 Burch said, "We shall be looking into healthier food alternatives on campus and avoid partnering students with respiratory problems with particulary gaseous roommates or those with poor   hygiene....    read more 

UNREGISTERED GUESTS CAUSE                                   New Book claims Statesman
HEADACHE FOR UPD, DIRECTORS                                    sells sex; hushes scandal    
        by Claude Yassup, The Statesman staff
 The Cordell Hull University Police Department            The official Statesman stance
is cracking down on the number of nonregi-             on the issue of unregistered     
stered visitors on campus to promote bet-              visitation is one of quiet am-     
ter police activity and response.                            bivalence.                             
 "We have close to 10,000 students," said                However, a recent book        
UPD Chief Roger Angleman. "We don't have              called My Four Years in Hell:   
the    manpower    to    handle    long-term             The Life and Times of a Cordell 
guests and 'sleepover' dates."                                Hull    Alumnus, claims that     
 Angleman said, "A number of men on cam-                Statesman higher-ups            
pus are enjoying the company of girls from               not only knew of the problem,
local high schools who, whether or not                    but     deliberately       under- 
 they know it, might be underage."                         reported, and even exploited, it 
                                                                       on numerous ocassions.            

                                                                       Written  under the pen name
                                                                     "Nullen     Voyd",      the book  
  "We don't have the manpower                  describes an editorial staff meet- 
   to handle long-term guests                      ing   in   which  faculty  advisor
      and sleepover dates."                            John      "Zeke"     Gumbill stood
                                                                     up     and      said, "We're going    
                                                                     to   stop   putting up posters in
  "This contributes to the spread of                      up  posters  in   the   residence
sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted               halls.     It attracts too many    
pregnancies, assault, and statutory rape.              goddamn morons what think     
  "I personally know four guys in Uni                      they can write, showing up with
Hall, where I live, who are doing girls                     their dicks in their hands."       
from the high school, fifteen, fourteen,                    "They think the campus paper's
even thirteen years old," said Gil Creed,                 cake. They come here looking for
a sophomore journalism major of Odlid, Ga.              a cushy gig. Not on my dime."
  "Sexual relations with a girl under 18 is                   According to Voyd, after a staff-
illegal in the state of Tennessee," said                    er was fired, Gumbill arranged  
Angleman.                                                         him to be propositioned by a 15-
   "Concievably, a male student who un-                 year-old Billy E. Huskey High School,
wittingly has sex with a minor and does                  girl, paying the young woman from a
  not    sign  her  in  at  the  front   desk,               secret fund.
could not only find himself being  asked                    "Gumbill planned to have the girl
to leave CHU, but have to register as                     come forth and reveal her real age
sex offender with the FBI."                                   if he tried to sue," said Voyd in his
 James Melvinson, director of Union                        book. "He said the statutory rape
Hall, says that unregistered guests                        charge'd talk  much  louder than 
squatting in unused rooms or staying                      wrongful termination in court.   
with friends who live in the residence                        "He'd lose all credibility. So he  
halls, is a growing concern.                                   didn't step forth."                   
"RA's are here to help residents,                              Gumbill denies the claims.      
 not their guests," said Melvinson.                            "Nullen Voyd is obviously a crack- 
 "We are spread thin as it is. We                            pot," he said. "He's probably an ex
aren't babysitters. We cannot spend                      staffer passed  over  for   a   pro-
time worrying about unregistered, unac-              motion,       and        this     is  
countable room crashers coming                            his childish way of getting back. 
around     and     using      up                                 "If I  ever find out who this       
limited resources such as room space.                    hunk  of  sh--  is,  I will use my mo-
  Melvinson said, "Our insurance only                      nogrammed gold pen to gut him   
covers students. If an unregistered                        like    a    flounder,   the   cheap
got hurt or killed while on campus,                         rat bastard.                            
we'd be held liable. Students harboring                       "Say,  that   tape   recorder   
guests long-term is simply undoable...."                  isn't on, is it?...           read more

COLUMNIST CHALLENGES NEANDERTHAL NAIFEH 
FOR NASTY REMARK
by Leif Kemming, The Statesman staff

 Last week Speaker of the Tennessee House of Representatives Jimmy Neifeh addressed the state legislature at a meeting about the depiction of the state government in Tenessee's college publications.
 The controversial Neifeh took The Statesman, which has long been openly critical of his recent alleged abuses of power, to task in particular. He said The Statesman is "only fit for three things: lining birdcages, wrapping fish, and in a pinch, wiping my [butt]."
 Neifeh says that he fears that young journalists are posssessed of a "distorted and skewed" image of our state government.
 In light of Neanderthal Neifeh's tasteless and degrading remarks about the quality of Cordy Hull's paper, I wish to propose that we do everything in our power to make his image very well-known about this campus.
 Which is why I propose that the residence halls provide its lavatories with decorative seat covers with Neifeh's portrait on them.
 In addition, the CHS bookstore will sell commemorative Jimmy Naifeh seat cushions before every college football game, so that everybody can openly express their feelings about Speaker Neifeh and Tennessee state government in a public forum....      read more

FILM: BIG DICK FLICK FALLS LIMP
by C. C. Mosthill, The Statesman staff
 Blasphemy, derivativeness, and mind-
less violence permeate the new reli-
gious private-eye neaveau-noir
flick by openly gay Jewish director
Malachi Royal.
 G. Zuzz and the Godman, Royal's
first release outside his native Israel,
tries desperately to be Pulp Fiction
and instead comes across more like
a bad cross between 1988's Last
Temptation of Christ and a six-
minute sketch on The Chapelle
Show dragged into ninety mind-
numbing and disgusting minutes.
 Geoffrey Zuzz, a bumbling Hacidic
private detective (played by Andy
Dick) who seems to be channeling
Maxwell Smart, is a one-man vigil-
ante group who, in the first ten
minutes of the film, is simultaneous-
ly busting a cabal of narcotics deal-
ers and performing an impromptu
surgery on a woman whose appen-
dix bursts in a cab headed down-
town, and somehow succeeding
at both.
 Zuzz works for the mysterious
Godman (voice of Harvey Fierstein),
who like Charlie's Angels' Bosley is
never actually seen. Godman calls
the shots, sending Zuzz on secret
humanitarian missions all over
the globe.
 One of the film' characteristically
lame and vulgar exchanges is cru-
cial to the plot and the setup of
Zuzz' latest mission : Neo-Nazi sci-
entists have managed to resur-
rect the infamous Adolf Hitler in
2003. Sort of. Godman tells Zuzz,
"They saved Hitler's ass."
  "Can't you find a less crude way
of saying that?" Zuzz asks.
 "No," says Godman. "I mean, lit-
erally. They managed to save
his ass."
 Yes, the crux of the plot is, the
Fuhrers' cloned buttocks are
floating in a jar and inexplicably
able to speak (voiced by an
uncredited actor imitating Paul
Lynde with a cheesy German ac-
cent). All through the film Hitler's
naked disembodied buttcheeks
barks bubbly orders from within
his tank to a cadre of bumbling
Nazi henchmen that would put
Werner Klemperer to shame.
 Another unfunny and unnecessary 
exchange occurs between Hitler's 
fanny and Zuzz. The dictator's rear 
end tells Zuzz emphatically, "Eat
sh** und die, Juden scum!"
 To which Zuzz replies, "Sorry,
Schickelgruber. That isn't kosher!"
 The less said of the abyssmal
scene where Zuzz walks into a
Christian church and erroneously
hears the hymn the congregation
sings as "What a friend we have
in G. Zuzz", the better.
 If the film had been intended to
be a comedy and not take itself
too seriously, it might be funny;
however; Royal has clearly stat-
ed in interviews he intended
G. Zuss to be a Passion of the
Christ-esque drama....   read more 

TRACK DOMINATES MEET
--Courtesy of Sports Info

 Cordell Hull University's young men's track and field team stole the spotlight this week with a couple of key victories as both the men and women competed at the Middle Tennessee Invitational here Saturday.
 "I'm very proud of my boys and girls," said men's track coach Lynn Flanagan.
 Sophomore John Gordon Carter came back to win the 55-meter dash after posting the fastest time in the prelims. Carter clocked....     read more

White Swallow, a 3-year-old champion bred by the Dovers. He is the headliner
of all the Great Galloping Gaywads shows. 

CHU Athletic Department welcomes first openly gay
horseback-riding team to University Sports
by Celia Denton, Sports Editor

 The athletic department at CHU has finally decided on which women's collegiate sport to add to the list.
 CHU will now have an all-homosexual equestrian team to both help complete the requirements for maintaining Division-1 status and to placate the protests of antidefamation groups who cite the lack of venues on campus for alternative-lifestyle students, faculty, and staff.
 The equestrian team will offer five competitive scholarships for gay, lesbian, and transgender students to contend on an individual and team level. The team has been colloquially dubbed "The Great Galloping Gaywads".
 The Great Galloping Gaywads, or Triple G's, is made up of fifty two-person teams on horseback, in spangled pink jumpsuits. They open each show by galloping over a small hill at the end of the Pavillion in tight formation, creating what one audience member calls a "tsunami in sparkly spandex". The Triple G's enter the performance area, and perform a rigorous battery of stunts coordinated to bouncy pop music.
 With a new sport comes a new staff and CHU has named Carl and Mina Dover, a husband-and-wife team of horse breeders, as the head coaches. The staff will later grow to include assistants and other trainers.
Dover may be recognizable to the CHU community because he has been the treasurer of Friends and Associates of Gays and Sapphics since 1992. He and Mina have bred and trained show horses for nearly a decade.
 Dover attended CHU before becoming a student trainer in 1990 and 1991. 
 "I always told them I wanted to work close beside whoever headed up the team," Dover said. "I'm willing to get in there deep, either up on top or underneath, wherever I'm needed."
 Dover has been an enthusiastic horseman since age five.                                              "There's something very exhilarating about straddling a large sweaty piece of flesh," said Dover.                                                           
  "The smell, the cheer of the crowd, the sharp slap of flesh on leather.... read  more