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(parody of "Lose Yourself" by Eminem—New Lyrics by Al Yankovic)
Look If you had
One shot
To sit on your lazy butt
And watch all the TV you ever wanted
Until your brain turned to mush
Would you go for it
Or just let it slip?
Yo
Remote is ready
Eyes wide, palms are sweaty
There's Flintstones on the TV already
Wilma 'n' Betty
No virgin to channel surfin'
And I'm HD-ready
So I flip - garbage is all I'm getting
There's Simon Cowell
Who folks wanna disembowel
He opens his mouth
Always says something foul
They're dyin', wow
Wannabes are cryin' now
He votes 'em out
Time to throw in the towel!
Shows based on reality
Oh! The humanity
Oh! Ozzy's family
Sho' loves profanity
Whoa, the insanity
Oh, dogs that crap and pee
Home of depravity?
No, they live happily
Yo, plus "Da Ali G Show"
And "Celebrity Mole"
Oh, and there's Anna Nicole
She's scarin; me
"Look ma, no cavities!"
Oh, it's a station break
Better go out to the kitchen and microwave something
"You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV"
They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land and HBO
The Travel Channel, Discovery and Lifetime (yo)
"You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV"
They told me, cajoled me
"Turn off those music videos!" (no!)
I'm gonna watch C-SPAN, TV-Land and HBO
The History Channel and QVC and Lifetime (yo)
"You're gonna..."
My butt is aching
As I watch NASCAR racing
That show about undertaking
Larry King
To "24" to "Law & Order"
The Weather Channel's boring
Like "60 Minutes"' ancient reporters
Next up on "E! True Hollywood Story"
The rise and decline of 12 actors named Corey
Shows for next fall they've already been namin':
"CSI: Boise" and "Touched By An Uncle" both sound pretty lame 'n'
So does "Everybody Tolerates Raymond"
And "King Of Queens" jumped the shark the first minute
I can't believe Richard Simmons ain't in it!
I'll move right on to "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter"
Then I bet I'll watch "The Bachelorette" followed by "Welcome Back, Kotter"
And the "Muppet Show" where they go "Mahna Mahna"
"You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV"
They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land and HBO
The Disney Channel and A&E and Lifetime (yo)
"You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV"
They told me, cajoled me
But I still love Lisa Kudrow (drow)
I'm lookin' at C-SPAN, TV-Land and HBO
The Playboy Channel and Court TV and Lifetime (yo)
"You're gonna..."
Never missed "Melrose Place" or "Lost In Space"
I've seen each "Amazing Race" and "Without A Trace"
But I only watched "Will & Grace" one time, one day
Wish I hadn't, 'cause TiVo now thinks I'm gay
Oh, and "Fear Factor" I watched maybe a half hour
After that, felt like I needed a long shower
Network execs with naked ambitions
"Next week on FOX - watch lions eat Christians!"
Like to tie up those programming planners
Make 'em watch all of that junk till their heads explode just like "Scanners"
Leech-covered grub-eating fools on "Survivor"
Look, there's James Lipton discussing the oeuvre of Mr. Rob Schneider
And there's Gilligan and SpongeBob, plus there's MacGyver
And Jay Leno has got Madonna - hey there's Luke Perry on a
Special All-Pig-Latin episode of Drew Carey, wanna
Turn on "E.T." 'cause I'm a gossip freak
And I gotta know who J. Lo is marryin' this week
A 30-second spot
Then we come back to "Are You Hot?"
I was plannin' on recording "The Sopranos" - I forgot
I love shows with or without a plot
I'll stare till my legs are numb, my eyes bloodshot
Because I only have got
One brain to rot
I'm gonna spend my life watching television a lot
"You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV"
They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land and HBO
The Sci Fi Channel and AMC and Lifetime (yo)
"You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV"
They told me, cajoled me
"Turn off that Oprah Winfrey show!" (no!)
I got it on C-SPAN, TV-Land and HBO
The Learning Channel and MTV and Lifetime (yo)
"You're gonna..."
You can watch anything you want to, man
Hardware Store
By Al Yankovic
Nothin' ever (ever) happens in this town
Feelin' low down (down), not a lot to do around here
I thought that I would go right out of my mind
Until a friend told me the news
He said, "Hey! You know that vacant lot
Right beside the gas station? Well, somebody bought it
And on that spot they're gonna build a shop
Where we can go buy bolts and screws"
Since then I've been walking on air (air)
I can barely brush my teeth or comb my hair
'Cause I'm so excited and I really don't care
I've been waiting since last June
For this day to finally arrive
I'm so happy (happy) now just to be alive
'Cause any minute now I'm gonna be inside
Well, I hope they open soon
I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
In my sleeping bag I camped out overnight
Right in front of the store, then as soon as it was light out
I pressed my nose right up against the glass
You know, I had to be first in line
Gonna get me a flashlight and a broom
Want a pair of pliers for every single room of my house
See those hacksaws? Very, very soon
One of them will be all mine
Guys with nametags walking down the aisles
Rows of garden hoses that go on for miles and miles
Brand new socket wrenches in a plethora of styles
All arranged alphabetically
And they're doing a promotional stunt
There's a great big purple sign out front
That says every 27th customer
Will get a ball peen hammer free
I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' the the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
Would you look at all that stuff...
They've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters
Trash compactors, juice extractors, shower rods and water meters
Walkie-talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires
BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers
Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters
Paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters
Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables
Hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles
Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication
Metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation
Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors
Tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors
Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers
Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers
Soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers
Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers
I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the
Hardware Store
Trash Day
(parody of "Hot In Herre" by Nelly—New Lyrics by Al Yankovic)
Rotten
So rotten here
So rotten
Oh
It was like, the last day before trash day
My place was gettin' kinda nas-tay
Even though the garbage I knew would reek
(You know) Thought that I could leave it for one more week
Then, um, I'm takin'
Birthday cake 'n'
(Oh) Chili and greasy old bacon
Throw it all on top of the mess I been makin'
Wife's so mad, she starts to shakin'
Leaky bag, 'n' now that girl is gaggin'
She's naggin'
"I need you to get that stuff off the kitchen floor"
"Is that too much to ask you for?"
But I see no reason why
Can't let a few more weeks go by
And now garbage is piled up high
And buddy, you should see the flies
I said...
There's somethin' rotten here (say what?)
You better hold your nose
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Bot, there's a lot in here (a lot)
And every day it grows
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Make ya wanna throw up
Look at all this garbage that I keep generatin'
(Come on) I sit around all day and watch it biodegradin'
Bet there's a hundred health codes that I'm violatin'
Even my dog passed out and needed resuscitatin'
You won't believe it, take a whiff of that aroma
Sure to put you in a coma
It's so messy, can't find my toenail clippers
It's so bad, the roaches wearin' slippers
Warm, sweaty clothes piled up in this joint
Stand up by themselves at this point
It's so filthy, now baby, I can't lie
I wipe my feet before I go outside
I wonder what crawled in here and died
(You know) Walkin' 'round barefoot, I'd be terrified
But it gives me stuff to talk about with my friends
Like "Hey, I think them rats gettin' big!"
Oh
There's somethin' rotten here (say what?)
You better hold your nose
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Look what we got in here (now what)
Let's watch it decompose
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Make ya wanna throw up
With a little bit a... and a little bit a....
Makes me wanna throw up
It makes ya wanna... just makes ya wanna...
Oh
Some Lysol, some Comet
I got a mop and it's got your name on it
(What?) I'm just kiddin', doggone it
(Oh) Unless you gonna do it
Careful not to breathe the fumes
Check it, garbage piles are goin' all the way to the bathroom
Turn into toxic waste sometime this afternoon
Better get a Hazmat suit and a push broom
Oh
There's somethin' rotten here (say what?)
You better hold your nose
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
It's gone to pot in here (to pot)
Bring out the firehose
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Make ya wanna throw up
With a little bit a... and a little bit a...
Make me wanna throw up
Give a little bit a... and a tiny bit a...
Make ya wanna throw up
Mix a little bit a... with a molecule a...
Make me wanna throw up
It makes me wanna... just makes me wanna...
Oh
Party At The Leper Colony
By Al Yankovic
Finger food and an ice cold keg
It won't cost you an arm and a leg
Dance all night to a rotten band
Come on, people, let's give 'em a hand
Saturday night it's the place to be
Everybody cut footloose with me
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
Hey!
Met a little lady so pretty and young
She was quite a talker till the cat got her tongue
She oozed up beside me, I turned on my charm
Well, pretty soon she was completely disarmed
I said, "Girl, now don't fall to pieces on me"
But she cried her eyes out - literally
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
Hey! Hey!
Hey now, buddy, don't you give me no lip
Sorry I was using your head for dip
There's a guy in the hot tub, I don't know who
Wait a minute, it looks like Stu
Well, hold the phone now, what do I see?
Another pretty mama got her eye on me
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
There's a party at the leper colony
(Party at the leper colony)
There's a party at the leper colony
(Party at the leper colony)
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony, yeah, party at the leper colony
Well, there's a party at the leper colony
(Party at the leper colony)
Hey!
Angry White Boy Polka
(Medley Arranged by Al Yankovic)
["Last Resort" by Papa Roach]
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a %$@& if I cut my arm bleeding
This is my last resort
'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's all right, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
["Chop Suey" by System Of A Down]
Wake up (Wake up)
Grab a brush and put a little makeup
Hide the scars to fade away the shake up
(Hide the scars to fade away the shake)
Why'd you leave the keys up on the table?
Here you go create another fable
(You wanted to)
Grab a brush and put a little makeup
(You wanted to)
Hide the scars to fade away the shake up
(You wanted to)
Why'd you leave the keys up on the table?
(You wanted to)
I don't think you trust in my
Self-righteous suicide
I cry
When angels deserve to
Die die die, die da die die die die die
Hey!
["Get Free" by The Vines]
I'm gonna get free
I'm gonna get free
I'm gonna get free
Ride into the sun
She never loved me
She never loved me
She never loved me
Why should anyone?
(Come here, come here, come here)
I'll take your photo for ya
(Come here, come here, come here)
Drive you around the corner
(Come here, come here, come here)
You know you really oughta
(Come here, come here, come here)
Move out of California
["Hate To Say I Told You So" by The Hives]
Do what I want cause I can if I don't
Because I wanna
Be ignored by the stiff and the bored
Because I'm gonna
(Hate to say I told you so)
All right
(Do believe I told you so)
Now it's all out and you knew
Cause I wanted to
["Fell In Love With A Girl" by The White Stripes]
Fell in love with a girl
I fell in love once and almost completely
She's in love with the world
But sometimes these feeling scan be so misleading
Can't think of anything to do
Yeah, my left brain knows that all love is fleeting
She's just looking for something new
Yeah, I said it once before but it bears repeating now
["Last Nite" by The Strokes]
Last nite she said
Oh baby, don't you feel so down
When you turn me off
When I feel left out
So I...
Well, I turn round
Oh baby, gonna be all right
It was a great big lie
'Cause I left that night
Yeah
["Down With The Sickness" by Disturbed]
Ooh ah ah ah ah!
Ooh ah ah ah ah!
Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Open up your hate and let it flow into me
Get up, come on get down with the sickness
You mother get up, come on get down with the sickness
Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Madness is the gift that has been given to me
["Renegades Of Funk" by Rage Against The Machine]
We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk
["My Way" by Limp Bizkit]
This time I'm-a let it all come out
This time I'm-a stand up and shout
I'm-a do things my way
It's my way, my way or the highway
This time I'm-a let it all come out
This time I'm-a stand up and shout
I'm-a do things my way
It's my way... or the highway
["Outside" by Staind]
But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
["Bawitdaba" by Kid Rock]
Bawitdaba da-bang-da-dang-diggy-diggy
Diggy-said-the-boogie-said-up-jump-the-boogie
Bawitdaba da-bang-da-dang-diggy-diggy
Diggy-said-the-boogie-said-up-jump-the-boogie
["Youth Of The Nation" by P.O.D.]
We are, we are... the youth of nation
We are, we are... the youth of the nation
We are, we are... the youth of the nation
We are the youth of the nation
hey!
["The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem]
I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
Please stand up, please stand up
'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please, please
Please stand up
["Way Moby Polka" by "Weird Al" Yankovic]
Slim Shady won't you please...
Stand up
(Stand up, Shady! Stand up, Shady! Stand up, Shady!)
Shady, won't you please stand up
Hey!
Wanna B Ur Lovr
By Al Yankovic
I don't have a library card
But do you mind if I check you out?
I like your skeletal structre, baby
You're an ectomorph, no doubt
Your face is real symmetrical
And your nostrils are so nice
I wish that I was cross-eyed, girl
So I could see you twice
Girl you smell like Fritos
That's why I'm giving you this hungry stare
You're so hot, you're gonna melt
The elastic in my underwear
I'll bet you're magically delicious
Like a bowl of Lucky Charms
You'd look like Venus de Milo
If I just cut off your arms
What I'm tryin' to say is...
I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now I need somebody to love
Do you believe in love at first sight
Or should I walk by again?
My love for you's like diarrhea
I just can't hold it in
Stop, drop and roll now
'Cause baby, you're on fire
I'll bet your outfit
Makes a lot of noise in the drier
You're absolutely perfect
Don't speak now, you might spoil it
Your eyes are even bluer
Than the water in my toilet
Say, has anyone ever told you
You've got Yugoslavian Hands?
No, of course not, that would be stupid
Just forget I ever brought it up
The point I'm trying to make is...
I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now I need somebody to love
I wanna be your Krakatoa
Let my lava flow all over you
I wanna be your anaconda
And your heat-seeking missile too
I wanna be your beef burrito
Am I making this perfectly clear?
I wanna be your love torpedo
Are you picking up the subtle innuendo here?
Uh huh
I hope I'm not being forward
But do you mind if I chew on your butt?
You can tell me truthfully
Am I a steamin' hunk of love now, or what?
There just aren't enough o's in "smooth"
To descrube how smoth I am
Maybe you've seen my picture
It's in the dictionary under "Kablaam!"
My lips are registered weapons
Can I invade your personal space?
You must have fallen from heaven
That would explain how you messed up your face
Well, how'd you get through security?
'Cause baby, you're the bomb
I'd like to take you home right now
Soo you can meet my mom
Because I...
I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now I need somebody to love
Girl, you must be Jamaican
Because Jamaican me crazy
Girl, you must be Jamaican
Because Jamaican me crazy
I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now I need somebody to love
(parody of "Complicated" by Avril Lavigne)
New Lyrics By Al Yankovic
Uh huh... extra cheese
Uh huh, uh huh... save a piece for me
Pizza party at your house
I went just to check it out
19 extra larges - what a shame
No one came
Just us, eatin' all alone
You said, "Take the pizza home"
"No sense lettin' all this go to waste"
So then I faced
Pizza all day
And every day
This cheese 'round the clock
Is gettin' me blocked
And I sure don't caree
For irregularity
Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?
'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated
In the bathroom... I sit and I wait and I strain
And I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain
Oh, should I take laxatives or have my colon irrigated?
No no no
I was feelin' pretty down
Till my girlfriend came around
We're just so alike in every way
I gotta say
In fact, I just thought I might
Pop the question there that night
I was kissing her so tenderly
But woe is me
Who would have guessed
Her family crest
I'd suddenly spy
Tattooed on her thigh
And son-of-a-gun
It's just like the one on me
Tell me
How was I supposed to know we were both related?
Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated
What to do now? Should I go ahead and propose
And get hitched and have kids with eleven toes
And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated?
No no no
I had so much on my mind
I thought maybe I'd unwind
Try out that new roller coaster ride
And the guide
Said not to stand
But that's a demand
That I couldn't meet
I got on my feet
And stood up instead
And knocked off my head, you see
Tell me
Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated?
This really is a major inconvenience, oh man, I really hate it
Such a drag now... Can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore
I can't belch or yodel anymore
Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated
Oh no
Why'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (Yeah yeah)
I gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated
What a bummer
Can't blink, I can't cough, I can't sneeze
But my neck is enjoyin' a pleasant breeze now
Haven't been the same since my head and I were separated
No no no
By Al Yankovic
I was watching my TV one night when they broke in with a special report
About some devastating earthquake in Peru
There were thirty thousand crushed to death, even more were buried alive
On the Richter scale it measured 8.2
And I said, "God, please answer me one question...
Why'd they have to interrupt The Simpsons just for this?"
What a drag, 'cause I was taping it and everything
And now I'll have to wait for the rerun to see the part of the show I missed
Why does this always happen...
Why does this always happen to me?
Why does this always happen...
Why does this always happen to me?
I was driving down the highway when all the traffic slowed to a crawl
There was a 12-car pile-up, everybody dead
And I saw brains and guts and vital organs splattered everywhere
As well as my friend Robert's disembodied head
And I thought - Poor Rob, I just had lunch with him
Hey, wait a minute, he still owes me money - what a jerk
Well, there's five bucks that I'm never gonna see again
Plus now, on top of everything else, it looks like I'm gonna be late to work
Oh, why does this always happen...
Why does this always happen to me?
Why does this always happen...
Why does this always happen to me?
Oh, the other day my boss said we were running low on toner
And he told me I should buy another case
Well, I told him I was busy, but he still just kept on asking
Soo I turned around and stabbed him in the face
Oh, and wouldn't you know it? My knife got stuck
I guess that's probably bound to happen now and then
But I'm afraid I may have bent the tip a little
And I know that blade will never ever be quite as sharp again
Oh tell me, why does this always happen...
Why does this always happen to me?
Why does this always happen...
Why does this always happen to me?
Why does this always happen to me?
Why does this always happen to me?
Ode To A Superhero
(parody of "Piano Man" by Billy Joel)
New Lyrics By Al Yankovic
Poor Peter Parker was pitiful
Couldn't have been any shyer
Mary Jane still wouldn't notice him
Even if his hair was on fire
But then one day he went to that science lab
That mutated spider came down
Oh, and now Peter crawls over everyone's walls
And he's swingin' all over town
La li la, li de da
La la, li le la da dom
Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man
Sling us a web tonight
'Cause we're all in the mood for a hero now
And there's evil-doers to fight
Now Harry the rich kid's a friend of his
Who horns in on Mary Jane
But to his great surprise it seems she prefers guys
Who can kiss upside-down in the rain
"With great power comes great responsibility"
That's the catch phrase of old Uncle Ben
If you missed it, don't worry, they'll say the line
Again and again and again
Oh, la la la, di de da
La la, di di da da dom
Now Norman's a billionaire scientist
Who never had time for his son
But then something went screwy and before you knew he
Was trying to kill everyone
And he's ridin' around on the glider thing
And he's throwin' that weird pumpkin bomb
Yes, he's wearin' that dumb Power Rangers mask
But he's scarier without it on
Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man
Sling us a web tonight
'Cause you're brave and you're strong and so limber now
But where'd you come up with those tights?
It's a pretty sad day at the funeral
Norman Osborn has bitten the dust
And I heard Harry's said he wants Spider-Man dead
Aw, but his buddy Pete he can trust
Oh, and M.J. is all hot for Peter now
Aw, but Peter, he just shuts her down
Mary Jane, don't you cry, you can give it a try
Again when the sequel comes 'round
Oh, la la la, di de da
La la, di di da da dom
Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man
Sling us a web tonight
'Cause we all sure could use us a hero now
And we think that you'll do all right
Bob
By Al Yankovic (Everything is in palindromes)
I, man, am regal - a German am I
Never odd or even
If I had a hi-fi
Madam, I'm Adam
Too hot to hoot
No lemons, no melon
Too bad I hid a boot
Lisa Bonet ate no basil
Warsaw was raw
Was it a car or a cat I saw?
Rise to vote, sir
Do geese see God?
"Do nine men interpret?" "Nine men," I nod
Rats live on no evil star
Won't lovers revolt now?
Race fast, safe car
Pa's a sap
Ma is as selfless as I am
May a moody baby doom a yam?
Ah, Satan sees Natasha
No devil lived on
Lonely Tylenol
Not a banana baton
No "x" in "Nixon"
O, stone, be not so
O Geronimo, no minor ego
"Naomi," I moan
"A Toyota's a Toyota"
A dog, a panic in a pagoda
Oh, no! Don Ho!
Nurse, I spy gypsies - run!
Senile felines
Now I see bees I won
UFO tofu
We panic in a pew
Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo
God! A reg nugget! A fat egg under a dog!
Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog
eBay
(parody of "I Want It That Way" by The Backstreet Boys)
New Lyrics By Al Yankovic
Yeah
A used...pink bathrobe
A rare...mint snow globe
A Smurf...TV tray
I bought on eBay
My house...is filled with this crap
Shows up in bubble wrap
Most every day
What I bought on eBay
Tell me why (I need another pet rock)
Tell me why (I got that Alf alarm clock)
Tell me why (I bid on Shatner's old toupee)
They had it on eBay
I'll buy your knick-knack
Just check...my feedback
"A++!" they all say
They love me on eBay
Gonna buy (a slightly-damaged golf bag)
Gonna buy (some Beanie Babies, new with tag))
(From some guy) I've never met in Norway
Found him on eBay
I am the type who is liable to snipe you
With two seconds left to go, whoa
Got Paypal or Visa, whatever'll please ya
As long as I've got the dough
I'll buy...your tchotchkes
Sell me...your watch, please
I'll buy (I'll buy, I'll buy, I'll buy...)
I'm highest bidder now
(Junk keeps arriving in the mail)
(From that world-wide garage sale)
(Hey! A Dukes of Hazzard ashtray)
Oh yeah...(I bought it on eBay)
Wanna buy (a PacMan Fever lunchbox)
Wanna buy (a case of vintage tube socks)
(Wanna buy a Kleenex used by Dr. Dre)
(Found it on eBay)
Wanna buy (that Farrah Fawcett poster)
(Pez dispensers and a toaster)
(Don't know why...The kind of stuff you'd throw away)
(I'll buy on eBay)
What I bought on eBay
Genius In France
By Al Yankovic
I'm not the brightest crayon in the box
Everyone says I'm dumber than a bag of rocks
I barely even know how to put on my own pants
But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France
Hoom chaka laka hoom chaka laka hoom chaka
I may not be the sharpest hunk of cheese
I got a negative number on my SATs
I'm not good looking, and I don't know how to dance
But nevertheless and in spite of the evidence I am still widely considered to be a
Genius in France, genius in France, genius in France
People say I'm a geek, a moronic little freak
An annoying pipsqueak with an unfortunate physique
If I was any dumber, they'd have to water me twice a week
But when the Mademoiselles see me, they all swoon and shriek
They dig my mystique, they think I'm c'est magnifique
When I'm in Par-ee, I'm the chic-est of the chic
They love my body odor and my bad toupee
They love my stripey shirst and my stupid beret
And when I'm sipping on a Perrier
In some cafe down in St. Tropez
It's hard to keep the fans at bay
They say, "Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait"
"Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait"
Hemenene humenene himenene homenene
Poodle... poodle...
Folks in my hometown think I'm a fool
Got too much chlorine in my gene pool
A few peas short of a casserole
A few buttons missing on my remote control
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
I couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
Instructions on the heel
Instructions on the heel
But when I'm in Provence, I get free croissants
Yeah, I'm the guy every French lady wants
And if you ask 'em why, you're bound to get this response:
(He's a genius in France! Genius in France!) That's right!
(He's a genius in France! Genius in France!) You know it!
(He's a genius in France, genius in France, genius in France!)
I'm not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree
But the folks in France, they don't seem to agree
They say, "Bonjour, Monsieur, would you take ze picture with me?"
I say, "Oui oui"
That's right, I say, "Oui oui"
"Oui oui"
He says, "Oui oui"
I'm dumber than a box of hair
But those Frenchies don't seem to care
Don't know why, mon frere
But they love me there
I'm a genius in France
Yeah... I'm a genius in France
Gonna make a big splash when I show up in Cannes
Gonna make those Frenchies scream, "You ze man! You ze man! You ze man!"
Like a fine Renoir (waa!), I've got that je ne sais quoi (quoi!)
Like a fine Renoir (ooh la la!), I've got that je ne sais...
Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo
Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo
Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy
Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy
Bow
I'm a taco short of a combo plate
But by some twist of fate, all the Frogs think I'm great
Oh, the men all faint and the women scream
They like me more than heavy cream
When I'm in Versailles, I'm a popular guy
My oh my, I'm as French as apple pie (apple pie)
They think I'm awfully witty, a riot and a half
When I tell a stupid joke, they laugh (haw haw haw haw haw)
And laugh (haw haw haw haw haw haw)
People in France have lots of attitude
They're snotty and rude, they like disgusting food
But when they see me, they just come unglued
They think that I am one happening dude
Bowm ba ba bowm ba bowm ba bowm
I'm about as sharp as a bowling ball
But they like me better than Charles de Gaulle
Entre nous, it's very true
The room temperature's higher than my IQ
But they love me more than Gerard Depardieu
How did this happen? I don't have a clue
Well... I'm not the quickest tractor on the farm
I don't have any skills or grace or charm
And most people look at me like I'm all covered with ants
But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France
And I'm never goin' back, I'm never goin' back
I'm never never never never goin' back home again
I'm tearin' up my return flight ticket
Gonna tell the folks back home where they can stick it
'Cause I'm never goin' back, I'm never goin' back
I'm never goin' back
The girls back home never gave me a chance
But I sho nuff got them Frogs in some kinda trance
And I'm aware that it's a mostly improbable circumstance
But GREAT GOGGILY MOOGILY, I'm a genius in France
Every Frenchie that I meet
Just can't wait to kiss my feet
Get in line, pucker up! Tout suite!
Bowm diddy bowm diddy bowm diddy
I'm gettin' even more famous by the hour
I'm stuffed with pastries and drunk with power
Now they're puttin' up my statue by the Eiffel Tower
A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left
A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left
I'm the biggest dork there is alive
My mom picked out my clothes for me till I was 35
And I forgot to mention
I'm not even welcome at the Star Trek convention
But the Frenchies think
That my poop don't stink
I'm a genius in France
Say... would you pass the Grey Poupon?
Merci beaucoup
|
|
Polkamon
by "Weird Al" Yankovic
available on Pokémon The Movie 2000: The Power Of One - Music From And Inspired By The Motion Picture
Krabby, Snubble, Venonat,
Mankey, Chansey, and Zubat.
Slowking, Ditto, Butterfree,
Lugia, and Caterpie.
Oddish, Poliwag, Goldeen,
Elekid, and Nidoqueen.
Victreebel and Magneton.
Everybody Polkamon!
Aerodactyl, Seel, Machoke,
Marill, Moltres, and Slowpoke.
Articuno, Ditto, Muk,
Flareon, and ol' Psyduck.
Cloyster, Kingler, Shellder, Gloom,
Snorlax, and of course Vileplume.
Zapdos and Charmeleon.
Everybody Polkamon!
It's time to polka,
For Ponyta and Pidgey too.
Come on, put on your lederhosen,
And try not to step on little Pikachu.
You better grab yourself a partner,
Like Tentacruel or Bulbasaur.
Hold on a minute,
There's still at least a hundred and twenty-seven more.
Including Ladyba and Omastar.
Jynx, Bellossom, and Magmar.
Geodude and Arcanine.
Jigglypuff and Mr. Mime.
Don't forget about Sandslash,
Exeggcute, and Rapidash.
Lickitung and Porygon.
Everybody Polkamon!
Everybody Polkamon!
Everybody Polkamon!
|
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(parody of "American Pie" by Don McLean)
New Lyrics by Al Yankovic
A long, long time ago
In a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn
Could talk the Federation in-
To maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
Then met Jar Jar and Boss Nass
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to Theed to see the queen
We all wound up on Tatooine
That's where we found this boy...
Oh my my, this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
But he can use the Force, they say
Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen
Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her someday
Well, I know he built C-3PO
And I've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true
So we made a wager or two
He was a prepubescent flyin' ace
And the minute Jabba started off that race
Well, I knew who would win first place
Oh yes, it was our boy
We started singin'...
My my, this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
Now we finally got to Coruscant
The Jedi Council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his midi-chlorians were off the scale
And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh, the Council was impressed, of course
Could he bring balance to the Force?
They interviewed the kid
Oh, training they forbid
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui-Gon said, "Now listen here
Just stick it in your pointy ear
I still will teach this boy"
He was singin'...
My my, this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
We caught a ride back to Naboo
'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to
I frankly would've liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war
And it wasn't long at all before
Little Hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some Gungans died
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
A lot of folks were croakin'
The battle droids were broken
And the Jedi I admire most
Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast
Well, I'm still here and he's a ghost
I guess I'll train this boy
And I was singin'...
My my, this here Anakin guy
May be Vader some day later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
We were singin'...
My my, this here Anakin guy
May be Vader some day later, now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
By Al Yankovic
Oh, my baby, my baby she don't want me no more
Ever since she saw his poster in that record store
She says the way he grinds his molars is really sexy
She thinks he's so darn dysfunctional and Generation X-y
She likes his brooding angst and his wild-eyed stare
Yeah, he's her very favorite slacker multi-millionaire
Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
She's all crazy 'bout that Eddie Vedder
Once she was mine, but now I better just forget her
'Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
Now, every time I see him, well, he looks so grim
I guess it really must suck to be a rock star like him
What a pain in the butt to have so much success
Spending all his time moping and avoiding the press
But my girl can't get enough of his sullen demeanor
Like he's some big tortured genius
And I'm some kinda wiener
Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
She's got a thing for that Eddie Vedder
Tell me, what can he do that I can't do better?
Now my baby's in love with...
I said I said I said my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
Head over heels for that Eddie Vedder
I can't believe it, now she's knitting him a sweater
'Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
I knew we were headin' for disaster
When she caught me hangin' out at the Ticketmaster
Now she's got an unrequited adoration
For the frustrated, agitated, designated, alienated
Spokeman for the disaffected grunge generation
Well, I don't wear Doc Martens and I don't wear flannel
And I don't boycott the music video channel
And I just can't compete with all that money and fame
But I know two can play at this kinda game
Yeah, well, let's just see how jealous she'll get
When I start stalking Alanis Morissette
Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
She's all crazy 'bout that Eddie Vedder
Once she was mine but now I better just forget her
'Cause my baby's in love with...
I said I said I said my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
Why'd she have to fall for that Eddie Vedder?
If she wants to leave me, I guess I better let her
'Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
(parody of "Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)" by The Offspring)
New Lyrics By Al Yankovic
Veren zol fun dir a blintsa
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly for a rabbi
Meccha leccha hi, meccha hiney hiney ho
Our temple's had a fair share of rabbis in the past
But most of 'em were nudniks and none of 'em would last
But our new guy's real kosher, I think he'll do the trick
I tell ya, he's to die for - he really knows his shtick
So how's by you? Have you seen this Jew?
Reads the Torah, does his own accounting too
Workin' like a dog at the synagogue
He's there all day, he's there all day
Just say, "Vay iz mir!" and he'll kick into gear
He'll bring you lots of cheer and maybe bagels with some shmeer
Just grab your yarmulka and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly (for a rabbi)
He shops at discount stores, not just any will suffice
He has to find a bargain 'cause he won't pay retail price
He never acts meshugga and he's hardly a schlemiel
But if you wanna haggle, oy, he'll make you such a deal!
People used to scoff, now they say "Mazel tov!"
He's such a macher 'cause he worked his tuchis off
Yeah, he keeps his cool and teaches shul
What's not to like? What not to like?
On high holy days, you know he prays and prays
And he never eats pastrami on white bread with mayonaise
Put on your yarmulka and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!
When he's doing a Bar Mitzvah, now that you shouldn't miss
He'll always shlep on down for a wedding or a briss
They say he's got a lot of chutzpah, he's really quite hhhhhip
The parents pay the moyl and he gets to keep the tip!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
Meccha leccha hi, meccha meccha cholly ho
He's doin' well, I gotta kvell
The yentas love him, even shicksas think he's swell
Show up at his home, he says, "Shalom!"
And "Have some cake - You want some cake?"
Yeah, he calls the shots, we really love him lots
Oy gevalt, I'm so ferklempt that I could plotz!
So grab your yarmulka -
The one you got for Chanukah -
Let's put on our yarmulkas and -
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!
By Al Yankovic
Oh, this is a story 'bout a guy named Al
And he lived in a sewer with his hamster pal
But the sanitation workers really didn't approve
So he packed up his accordion and had to move
To a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree
And he worked in a nasal decongestant factory
And he played on the company bowling team
And every single night he had a strange recurring dream
Where he was wearing lederhosen in a vat of sour cream
But that's really not important to the story
Well, the very next year he met a dental hygienist
With a spatula tattooed on her arm (on her arm)
But he didn't keep in touch
And he lost her number
Then he got himself a job on a tater tot farm
And he spent his life savings on a split-level cave
Twenty miles below the surface of the earth (of the earth)
And he really makes a mighty fine
Jelly bean and pickle sandwich
For what it's worth
Then one day Al was in the forest trying to get a tan
When he heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man
He was caught in a bear trap and Al set him free
And the guy that he rescued was grateful as could be
And it turns out he's a big-shot producer on TV
So he gives Al a contract and whaddaya know?
Now he's got his very own Weird Al Show!
(parody of "One Week" by Barenaked Ladies)
New Lyrics By Al Yankovic
It's been one week since we got to see
Cheatin' lovers and cousins that marry
Five days since they had the show
With the hermaphrodite, the slut and the crack ho
Three days since we heard the tale
About the guy who learned his woman was a she-male
Yesterday it occurred to me
That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer
Holy cow, d'you see it last week?
Well, they had this one freak
Who sucker-punched his whole family
Do you recall when the brawl
Became a total free-for-all?
And Jerry's in the middle tryin' to be the referee
Hey, see the stripper with the implants?
She likes to lap dance
And date the boyfriend of her mother
Now here comes Jerry's next guest
And it's a slugfest
'Cause it's her trailer trash brother
Nymphomaniac is back on crack
It's like "When Animals Attack"
They all exhibit reprehensible behavior
Hit 'em in the nose, tear off their clothes
Step on their toes, that's how it goes
They get so violent they have to sign a waiver
They're always swearin', cursin', kickin' butt and pointin' blame
On the air? They don't care, they got no shame
There was one guy who I'm sure felt a little strange
When he found out that his wife had a sex change
They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly
They have a history of ripping off their shirts
It's been one week since they had the fight
With the Siamese twins and the transvestite
Five days since that awful brawl
They still haven't got the blood off the wall
It's been three days since the bitter feud
Between the KKK and that gay Jewish black dude
Yesterday, finally dawned on me
I'm spendin' way too much time on that Jerry Springer
male Springer guest: Baby, I've been sleepin' with your sister.
female Springer guest: Oh, which one?
male Springer guest: All of 'em.
female Springer guest: Ah, well, I've been sleepin' with your best friend Jake.
male Springer guest: Yeah? W-Well, me too! And, I've been sleepin' with your dog Woofie!
female Springer guest: Woofie, you b*tch! Well I'm also sleepin' with your pet goat!
male Springer guest: That goat doesn't love you!
Once you start watchin', there's just no stoppin'
Your brain shuts down, then your IQ's droppin'
Jerry's the king of confrontation
He's a sensation
He puts the 'sin' in syndication
It's totally worthless, like a bad check
It's like a train wreck
Don't wanna stare, but you can't look away
Like Sally Jesse he does talk shows
But with more weirdos
The ratings jumping higher every day
If you've seen the show, well then you know
It's just as low as you can go
The guests are tacky and they're lacking in their hygiene
And pretty soon some ugly goon
Comes in the room and then it's BOOM
In the face of some unsuspecting drag queen
Well, it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities
Yankin' hair, throwin' chairs at their hubbies
"Jerry! Jerry!" Now the crowd starts their favorite chant
Should I turn off my TV? I just can't
I have a tendency to watch it religiously
I have a history of taping each one
It's been one week since the show about
Psycho killers with problems they should work out
Five days since the big surprise
When some loser's wife said that she's still dating twenty guys
Three days since he interviewed
A bunch of psychic porn star midgets who were all nude
Yesterday, it occurred to me
That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer
Tired of wastin' my time on that Jerry Springer
I've got way too much class to watch Jerry Springer
Come over here and pull on my finger
By Al Yankovic
Sometimes I really wanna be alone
But that's one state I'm never in
Because I know that I've got millions upon millions
Of tiny, one-celled organisms living on my skin
(Germs) I rub and scrub until my flesh is raw and bleeding
(Germs) But they just come right back again
(Germs) I can't even see 'em,
But I know they're up to something
Hey, don't touch that - you don't know where it's been!
They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get 'em offa me
I'm covered with...(microscopic bacteria)
What do they want from me?
What'll they do to me?
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with...(microscopic bacteria)
Now if I ever dare to go to sleep
That's when they start their sneak attack
In the morning I wake up in utter horror
To find my teeth are covered with bacterial plaque
(Germs) Can't get those parasitic creatures off my face
(Germs) And there's more comin' every day
(Germs) I never said that they could camp out on my body
I wish they'd pack their tiny little bags and move away
They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get 'em offa me
I'm covered with...(microscopic bacteria)
What do they want from me?
What'll they do to me?
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with...(microscopic bacteria)
(Germs)
(Germs)
(Germs)
(Germs)
(Germs) They're creepin' around my shorts
They're under the bathroom sink
(Germs) They're ridin' inside my car
They're swimmmin' in every drink
(Germs) They're hidin' between my toes
They're lurkin' in every kiss
(Germs) I got 'em way up my nose
In every orifice
(Germs) I'm gonna show them who's boss
I'm gonna get even yet
(Germs) Just gimme some Lysol spray
Just hand me a moist towelette
(Germs) Don't tell me I'm paranoid
I know that they're after me
(Germs) Look under the microscope
See??
They're all over me
They're inside of me
Can't get 'em offa me
I'm covered with...(microscopic bacteria)
What do they want from me?
What'll they do to me?
There's no escape for me
I'm crawling with...(microscopic bacteria)
(Germs) They're all over me
(Germs) I can feel 'em all over me
(Germs) Over every part of me
(Germs) (Microscopic bacteria)
(Germs) I know they're watching me
(Germs) They're always watching me
(Germs) They're coming after me
(Germs) (Microscopic bacteria)
Won't somebody help me (Germs)
Please somebody help me (Germs)
You've got to believe me (Germs)
They're out to get me (Germs)
They wanna control me (Germs)
They wanna destroy me (Germs)
They're tryin' to kill me (Germs)
It kind of upsets me (Germs)
(polka medley of various songs by various artists)
By Al Yankovic
["Wannabe" by Spice Girls]
Yeah, well, I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want
(So tell us what ya want, what ya really really want)
I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want
(So tell us what ya want, what ya really really want)
I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha
I wanna really, really, really, wanna zigga zigga, ah!
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends
Make it last forever, friendship never ends
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.
Hey!
["Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger]
I'm not sick, but I'm not well.
And I'm so hot, 'cause I'm in hell.
I'm not sick, but I'm not well.
And it's a sin to live so well.
["Ghetto Supastar (That Is What You Are)" by Pras Michel w/ Ol' Dirty Bastard & Mya]
Ghetto superstar, that is what you are,
Coming from afar, reaching for the stars.
Run away with me, to another place
We can rely on each other, uh huh
From one corner to another, uh huh
["Everybody (Backstreet's Back)" by Backstreet Boys]
Everybody (yeah)
Rock your body (yeah)
Everybody
Rock your body right.
Backstreet's back, all right!
All right!
["Walkin' On The Sun" by Smash Mouth]
So don't delay, act now, supplies are running out
But now, if you're still alive, six to eight years to arrive
And if you follow, there may be a tomorrow
But if the offer's shun, you might as well be walking on the sun
Might as well be walking on the sun!
["Intergalactic" by Beastie Boys]
Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic
Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic
Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic
["Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba]
I get knocked down, but I get up again,
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down
["Ray Of Light" by Madonna]
Quicker than a ray of light
Quicker than a ray of light
Quicker than a ray of li-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ight
["Push" by Matchbox 20]
I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted
I wanna take you for granted
Yeah, yeah, well I will
["Semi-Charmed Life" by Third Eye Blind]
I want something else
To get me through this semi-charmed kinda life, baby baby
I want something else
I'm not listening when you say good-bye.
Doot doot doot, doot do doot do
Doot doot doot, doot do doot do
Doot doot doot, doot do doot do
Do do do, do do doot
["The Dope Show" by Marilyn Manson]
There's lots of pretty, pretty ones
That want to get you high
But all the pretty, pretty ones
Will leave you low and blow your mind
We're all stars now in the dope show
We're all stars now in the dope show
["Mmmbop" by Hanson]
Mmmbop, do floppa do wop
Do be dop ah
Do wap, do zap ah, do
Yeah-ee yeah
Mmmbop, do b'zap ah, do wop
Do be dop ah
Do wop, doom zap ah, do
["Sex And Candy" by Marcy Playground]
I smell sex and candy here
Who's that lounging in my chair?
Who's that casting devious stares in my direction?
Mama, this surely is a dream
Yeah, yeah mama, this surely is a dream
Dig it, yeah mama, this surely is...
["Closing Time" by Semisonic]
Closing time
One last call for alcohol
So finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home
But you can't stay here
I know who I wanna take me home
I know who I wanna take me home
I know who I wanna take me home
Take us home.
["Way Moby Polka" by Al Yankovic]
'Cause it's closing time!
(Yeah it's closing time)
(We're talkin' 'bout closin' time)
(It's really closin' time)
(Hey!)
By Al Yankovic
AQUARIUS!
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole 17 hours a day
PISCES!
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say
ARIES!
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that 40-pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
TAURUS!
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
GEMINI!
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest
CANCER!
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test
LEO!
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik
VIRGO!
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.
Where was I?
LIBRA!
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week
SCORPIO!
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self esteem, you stupid freak
SAGITTARIUS!
All your friends are laughing behind your back......kill them
Take down all those naken pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den
CAPRICORN!
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person...but you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
(parody of "It's All About The Benjamins" by Puff Daddy)
New Lyrics By Al Yankovic
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums!
It's all about the Pentiums!
(Yeah!)
What y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
Workin' at a desk with a dumb little placard?
Yeah, payin' the bills with my mad programming skills
Defraggin' my hard drive for thrills
I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM
I never feed trolls and I don't read spam
Installed a T1 line in my house
Always at my PC, double-clickin' on my mizouse
Upgrade my system at least twice a day
I'm strictly plug-and-play, I ain't afraid of Y2K
I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him Money for short
I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support
It's all about the Pentiums, what?
You gotta be the dumbest newbie I've ever seen
You've got White-Out all over your screen
You think your Commodore 64 is really neato
What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito?
You're usin' a 286? Don't make me laugh
Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette
You're the biggest joke on the Internet
Your database is a disaster
You're waxin' your modem, trying' to make it go faster
Hey fella, I bet you're still livin' in your parents' cellar
Downloadin' pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar
And postin' "Me too!" like some brain-dead AOL-er
I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller
You're just about as useless as JPEGs to Helen Keller
It's all about the Pentiums!
It's all about the Pentiums!
It's all about the Pentiums!
It's all about the Pentiums!
Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna he hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
Uh, uh, loggin' in now
Wanna run wit my crew, hah?
Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like I do?
They call me the king of the spreadsheets
Got 'em all printed out on my bedsheets
My new computer's got the clocks, it rocks
But it was obsolete before I opened the box
You say you've had your desktop for over a week?
Throw that junk away, man, it's an antique!
Your laptop is a month old? Well, that's great
If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight
My digital media is write-protected
Every file inspected, no viruses detected
I beta tested every operating system
Gave props to some, and others? I dissed 'em
While your computer's crashin', mine's multitaskin'
It does all my work without me even askin'
Got a flat-screen monitor, 40" wide
I believe that yours says "Etch-A-Sketch" on the side
In a 32-bit world, you're a 2-bit user
You've got your own newsgroup, alt.total-loser
Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax
Where'd you get your CPU, in a box of Cracker Jacks?
Play me online? Well, you know that I'll beat you
If I ever meet you I'll control-alt-delete you
What?
It's all about the Pentiums!
It's all about the Pentiums!
It's all about the Pentiums!
It's all about the Pentiums!
What y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
What??
By Al Yankovic
I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Pedal to the metal, hope I don't run out of luck
Rollin' down the highway until the break of dawn
Drivin' a truck with my high heels on
My diesel rig is northward bound
It's time to put that hammer down
Just watchin' as the miles go flyin' by
I'm ridin' twenty tons of steel
But it's sure hard to hold the wheel
While I'm still waiting for my nails to dry
Oh, I always gotta check my lipstick in that rear view mirror
And my pink angora sweater fits so tight
I'm jammin' gears and haulin' freight
Well, I sure hope my seams are straight
Lord, don't let my mascara run tonight
Because I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Smokey's on my tail and my accelerator's stuck
Got these eighteen wheels a-rollin' until the break of dawn
Drivin' a truck with my high heels on
Oh, I don't mind when my crotchless panties creep right up on me
And my nipple rings don't bother me too much
But when I hit those big speed bumps
My darling little rhinestone pumps
Keep slippin' off the mother-lovin' clutch
But still I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a big ol' truck
Headin' down the interstate, just tryin' to make a buck
Wearin' feather boas with sequins and chiffon
While I'm drivin' a truck with my high heels on
I'm drivin' a truck
Drivin' a truck
Got a load to carry and some eyebrows left to pluck
And I'm late for my appointment down at the hair salon
So I'll be drivin' a truck with my high heels on
(parody of "Zoot Suit Riot" by Cherry Poppin' Daddies)
New Lyrics By Al Yankovic
Who's that waddlin' down the street?
It's just me, 'cause I love to eat
Fudge and Twinkies and deviled ham
Who's real flabby? Yes, I am!
Every picture of me's
Gotta be an aerial view
Now my doctor tells me
There's just one thing left to do -
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Throw out the pizza and beer
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Oh, get those jelly donuts out of here
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Might seem a little severe
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
I'm gettin' tired of my big fat rear
Blow, fatty!
Well, I used to live on chocolate sauce
Made sumo wrestlers look like Kate Moss
Walked down an alley and I got stuck
I got more rolls than a pastry truck
When I'm all done eating
I eat a little more
When I leave a room
First I gotta grease the door
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Can't have another éclair
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
I gotta decrease my derrière
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
No more pie now
No more crème brulée
Lay off the gravy
And soufflé
No french fri-yi-yies now
No ice cream parfait
Mr. Cheese Nacho
Stay away
Oh, I think I'd sell my soul
For a triple patty melt
But I need a boomerang
When I put on my belt
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Lay off the 3 Musketeers
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Until my big booty disappears
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
Eat 'em till they're comin' out of my ears
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
'Cause I haven't seen my feet in years
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I think I'm about ready for a quarter pounder with extra cheese, maybe a side order of onion rings, and a - oh, don't forget to super size that! Yeah.
Albuquerque
By Al Yankovic
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop... You know the place...
Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy... except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. Dawww!! Big bowl of sauerkraut! Every single mornin'! It was driving me crazy.
I said to my mom, I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train. And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a half years old.
That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are oh so fluffy! Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!
Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah!
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true. Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize. That's right, a first class, one-way ticket
to Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta tell ya, it was really great...except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor. And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore...and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out, and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died. Except for me. You know why?
'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh. So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone and my 12-pound bowlin' ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they're clean.
Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the A/C, and I turned on the SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much, when suddenly there's a knock on the door. Well, now, who could that be?
I say, "Who is it?" No answer.
"Who is it?" There's no answer.
"WHO IS IT!?" They're not sayin' anything.
So finally, I got over and I open the door, and just as I suspected, it's some big, fat hermaphrodite with a Flock Of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril. Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right.
So, anyway, he bursts into my room, and he grabs my lucky snorkel, and I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me."
And he's like, "Tough!"
And I'm like, "Give it!"
And he's like, "Make me!"
And I'm like, "'kay!"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation, yes indeed, you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said? I'll tell ya what it said!
It said, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.
If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator."
In Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would not sleep for an instant, until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice.
But first, I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car, and I drove over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter and he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want??"
I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said, "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts."
I say, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"
He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts."
I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts."
I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!"
I said, "You got any apple fritters?"
He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!"
I said, "You got any bear claws?"
He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check."
"No, we're outta bear claws!"
I said, "Well, in that case...in that case, what do you have?"
He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels."
I said, "OK, I'll take that."
So he hands me the box, and I open up the lid, and the weasels jump out and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over. Oh, man, they were just goin' nuts! They were tearin' me apart! You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head. I believe it went a little somethin' like this:
DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get 'em off! Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me! Oh, oh God! Ah, AaaaaaahhhhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhhh!
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like a constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast, with a slight overbite, and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said, "Hey, you've got weasels on your face."
That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseparable after that. Aw, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got married, and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly. Oh we were so very, very, very happy, oh yeah. But then, one fateful night, Zelda said to me, she said, "Sweety pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said, "Woah! Hold on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!"
So we broke up, and I never saw her again, but that's just the way things go
In Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me, because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me a part-time job at the Sizzler! I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude.
OK, like one time, I was out in the parkin' lot, tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil, when I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I-I say to him, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes, and goes, "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" So I did.
And then he gets all indignant on me. He's like, "Hey, man, I was just being sarcastic!" Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader, for cryin' out loud. Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy! So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comes up to me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days. Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein. And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all over, and I'm like, "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?" But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming, "Aaaahhhh! AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!" You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um...um...where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought.
Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway, I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it, but, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is...I HATE SAUERKRAUT! That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandry, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place
called Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
I said A! (A!)
L! (L!)
B! (B!)
U! (U!)
querque! (querque!)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
Al...buquerque!
*burp*
heh heh heh heh
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