The worst thing about having an eating disorder is the techniques we use to lose weight don't really work! And once we learn that what we do isn't good for effective weightloss we're already addicted and too deep into our eating disorder to stop. We also do the things we do for reasons other than weightloss - for punishment sometimes, and for a feeling of control.
In Brief:
Starving: When someone eats too little their body does 3 things which effect weightloss - slows the metabolism, sets up cravings, and burns muscle and tissue for fuel. When the metabolism slows down you lose weight slower or sometimes not at all, even when you're eating a tiny amount and exercising a lot. The cravings (usually for fatty sugary food) start as a survival instinct to get you to gain weight because your body thinks there's a famine - and the cravings are usually so uncontrollable that you end up eating a lot (some anorexics have brain damage which means they override this survival instinct). Most importantly is when you lose weight not all the weightloss is fat - a lot is muscle, organ tissue and bone. This includes heart muscle (which will never grow back), brain tissue (scans show that many anorexics have holes in their brain!) and important muscles (for example the muscles that hold in your pee - many anorexics wet themselves).
Purging: When someone purges (vomits up their food intentionally) not all the calories are removed. Therefore most bulimics are normal weight or overweight. Also, purging is addictive, and can cause lots of (potentially fatal) health problems including heart problems, rotten teeth, oesophagus or stomach ruptures, a swollen face, paralysis, memory loss, fits, tremors and hallucinations.
Laxatives: When someone abuses laxatives (drugs that are used to treat constipation by giving you diarrhoea) no calories are removed at all. Abusing laxatives can cause lots of (potentially fatal) health problems such as digestive failure, whole-body swelling, paralysis, memory loss, fits, tremors and hallucinations.
Our eating disorders take over our lives - we lose our health, sanity, time, family, friends, trust, energy, motivation, concentration...even our lives. The health effects of an eating disorder are awful too - this is some of the side-effects a girl with a non-severe eating disorder has experienced: body hair, pooing blood and yellow pus, constant diarrhoea and constipation at the same time, a permanently round bloated stomach, fainting several times a day, losing control of my bladder, constant random pains, grey or yellow sickly skin, lank falling-out hair, other mental illnesses developing from brain damage, no sleep, being depressed, rotten teeth and no sex drive.
I was an in patient for 2 weeks and it was hheeelll. But I am back to tell all of you a story that must be passed on. During my stay I met a woman named Mary. Mary's kidneys are failing and are just bearly holding on. She has no moisture in her glands or her eyes anymore. She had a stroke a few years back and couln't talk for two years. Her heart vlaves are pretty much shot and it is hard for her to breath a lot. Mary was only on our floor for 2 days because her heart can't take the food, so she went to the medical level to die. Mary was 59. Not only did I witness death but another woman had a stroke, another had just lost her baby due to malnutrition, another had a feeding tube, and another had a bag attached to her stomache to catch her shit because her colon doesn't work anymore from too many laxatives and diet pills. So for all of you who are hoping to catch this diease, get the fuck out of here. For all those who suffer, I pray for you. Get help guys. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I am not fully cured but some day I will be. Some day I wont cry during the meals and I will be able to do the thing I love.
- From stayingstrong6
Hi my name is Susy StickFigure, and I'm a real anoretic. Forget Kate Moss, honey. She's chic and we're corpses. It's not about beauty here. It's a one-way ticket into an early grave, and they ain't got NO euphamism for that. Forget how thin feels, maybe you can cheer yourself up and tell yourself, "Nothing tastes as good as a small casket feels." and smile in the mirror.
So my name really isn't Susy, but I am writing about my expierence. If I were to buy into the Mary-Kate and Ashley brand fantasy (now availible at select Wal-Marts in puce, violet, and cowardly suicide shades), I should be swarming in boys, gifts, and happiness. I should have people throwing themselves at my feet. I should be happy. Well, that's the punchline to this sick joke. The real knee-slapper.
I am, at the point of this writing, five foot and nine point five inches. I have weighed myself today, which is rare for me anymore. I am ninety six pounds, which would be a 14.2 BMI. It wouldn't be this high, but my fiance Julie cried for hours when I was maintaining 90 pounds, and it broke my heart. I made it up to ninety eight, but couldn't keep it. She realizes that this is not a choice, a lifestyle.
So here it is, bare and raw. Throw out those heroin chic fantasies. Here's the real deal.
These are the glamourous things I've accomplished for my appearance and body since the onset of my disorder.
- Frequent hair loss, and brittle hair. To keep it remotely soft and human, I use more and more conditioner, with less effect.
- dry skin, prone to allergic reactions, rashes, cracking and flaking. I am constantly slathering on lotion.
- my heart is like a stoner at Mickey D's. It'll probably quit without warning, and slack off while at work.
- bruising, both from ænimia and from no fat between my bones and skin. I have them inside and out. I look rather like a tie-dyed masochist.
- colds, flu, pneumonia, strep throat. Longer, harder and faster than normal people.
- I'm constantly a strange mottled purple when it's even remotely cold. My thermostat stays at 78 degrees.
- Let's not forget I'm turning into the Wolfman, as my body is growing lanugo
- my joints sound like an old woman, my eyesight is going to shit, and I have circulation problems so frequently my feet have been diagnosed narcoleptic.
- my teeth are becoming a problem, due to the lack of calcium.
- I haven't had a period in so long, the doctor's diagnosed me with a run-on novel.
- my stomach is a pit of ulcers waiting to happen, from both starvation and over-use of diet pills and drugs.
- I have used such drugs as: ephedra, phenphen, cocaine, meth, and crack to help "cheat" and lose weight or become smaller. (although it should be noted that I've been a heroin user for a good ammount of time, so the illegal drugs weren't a big jump, and were always present in my enviroment. But I doubt I would've tried them without the incentive of their so-called perks)
- Related to the drug use, I have scarring on my arms that will forever be there. I also have collapsed veins.
- to spare the weak of stomach, let's just say Beethoven and I require the same ammount of time and pressure to create a movement.
- at any given moment, I can tell you the ammount of calories in bacon, tomatoes, grass. However, I cannot remember the last name of my third grade best friend.
- I can't sit, lie, or walk for long without my bones jarring and poking and bruising.
I'm sure there's plenty more ill-effects, but I'm getting used to all the quirks of my new body and have probably not noticed. That's how sad it gets sometimes. I hugged a friend, and they were shocked as my heart didn't beat quite nearly enough. I was like, "Yeah." without much concern. Instead of glowing with pride like they suggest, you just learn to accept you're dying. You're literally rotting without the decency to lie down.
Well, I'm still waiting for Cosmopolitan to come banging on my door. I'm sure that since I've accomplished "aNa" I should be all set, right? I should go beam in the mirror at this new wonderful girl that can't walk for more than eight feet, gets dizzy when she stands, and can't function without a load of caffiene.
And, for any silly girls reading with envy, these are only the PHYSICAL effects! Wait till you see the grand prize...... THE EMOTIONAL AND SOCIAL BENEFITS OF BEING A NUTTER!
- My family either ignores my disorder, or tries to support me emotionally while watching me fall apart. This is not endearing, cute, or glamourous. It is tearing them apart.
- My fiance is nearly sick of dealing with me and my problems.
- My finacial situation after drug addiction, hospitals and specialists is almost non-existant.
- Embarassed to go grocery shopping or out to eat with me, my friends are very awkward about my habits.
- People look at me and wonder if I'm a crack head, or a survior of Auchswitz. They get nervous, or think I'm terminally ill.
- When I put my weight down on things, people freak.
- I cannot shop in normal stores without salespeople getting nervous.
- I cannot find many jeans that are both tall enough, and size 1-00
- I can't order food from a cafe, resteraunt or vending maching in under 15 minutes. This makes it tedious to normal people.
- I'm so sick of hearing, "Just EAT something!" I could puke. Or not, since that would be a whole new thing to deal with.
- Wearing anything in public that doesn't have long sleeves, four layers, and sufficiant bulk leads to at least three offers of food.
- Most average people cannot accept that I don't think I'm fat. It's not about fat.
- Most sane people cannot understand that I know I'm sick and I don't just "stop".
- Most sane people cannot understand why the hell I'm this way in the first place.
So there you have it kiddies. There's your THINNER WINNER, a slow slow suicide via starvation and driving yourself, your family, and those who care about you mad. Mess up the REST of your life to fit in a prom dress. Damage the very organs that sustain you to fit in a club. But godforbid, don't listen to reason. Because we all know anorexia is sexy! In fact, I'm sure there's some of us who would love to give a testimonial! But I can't, I feel too tired. And some of you can't pull yourself away from laxatives the toilet long enough. Even more can't get past the feeding tube or IV. Then there's a few we'd need an ouija board to get their side.
Yeah. We're all one big sexy, popular party. Constantly having fun. Except for our club, a VIP pass looks strangely like a death sentence, and membership is more demanding by the day. You still want in?
- From Jello, who passed away last year.
So...you think starving is a good way to lose weight, do you? I think you've read too many fairy tales. Well, this isn't one. Neither are eating disorders. They are sheer & total hell. But, since you want one, I'll go ahead & prep you for it. I'll let you know exactly what will happen to you. If this doesn't make you realize how completely stupid running out there & trying to develop anorexia is, then I wish you the best of luck in killing yourself. Because that's all you'll be doing.
The completely ironic part about people trying to lose weight by starving is that half the time it does not work. I bet you think you'll wind up insanely thin & gorgeous, right? Wrong. You won't be gorgeous & you might actually GAIN weight. One thing's for certain though. Insane is a definite part of the package. Your mind won't be yours anymore. Kiss it goodbye, I hope you didn't enjoy it.
The less you eat, the lower your metabolism goes. You might starve & starve & barely lose anything...or you might be extra lucky...you might starve & starve & gain weight. Your body might just shut itself down & the weight go nowhere. & even though you aren't losing, you'll still be hooked. You still won't be able to stop. By the time your body shuts off from malnutrition, you'll be too far in it to *snap* think "Oh...this isn't working...I think I'll eat again." No...you'll be desperate & eat less & less & work out more and more. Eventually, you won't be ABLE to work out. Your muscles will eventually stop cooperating. Then you'll panic & try & eat even less to compensate for not being able to work your ass off (simply a figure of speech, since you're not losing any weight, of course). By then you can't eat less though. You're barely eating enough to stay alive as it is. & you can't stop. It isn't working & you still can't stop. & whether its working or not, you won't see the truth. You'll never actually know what you look like. Nope...no matter what you'll think you must weigh at least four hundred pounds. This is true if you weigh 150 or if you weigh 70. You will be fat. Insane is the proper term for it, isn't it? Yes, you might just be one of the lucky ones, one of the ones that doesn't lose weight. But don't sit there & think that means you won't be sick. Not true...not true at all. Your skin & hair will be dry, your teeth sore, your period gone, your bones aching, your muscles cramping...well, no need to go on. You still want this, of course. After all, you won't be like that. You won't be one of the failures. You'll be successful; you'll be thin & perfect. Beautiful.
Well, since you're going to win, why don't I tell you about your prize, hmm?? It’s quite nice. You will be skinny. You will be sickly thin. Your ribs will stand out & your hipbones will be sharp. You won't see it. You'll look in the mirror & see fat. You'll see rolls. You'll look at girls who weight fifty pounds more than you & wonder why you can't be as thin as they are. You'll look in the mirror everyday & swear that you've gained at least ten pounds. Other people will see you shrink but you won't get to watch. You'll never see the truth. Others will though. You'll be sickly skinny...but you won't be pretty. & they'll all see that. You won't though...you'll be too busy staring at your ass & wondering when you turned into your fat Aunt Bertha. You will not be attractive. You won't. You'll have huge dark circles. Your skin will be pasty pale & have a lovely gray tint to it. Makeup will NOT help this. It won't, so don't think it will. Don't even bother to attempt it. You'll be wasting your time; time that could be better spent doing your usual pastime, staring into the pantry to watch the food. Of course, people might not notice that you're gray. They could be too busy staring at the dark black, blue, & purple spots you're covered in. Everything you do will result in a bruise. Everything. Do you have pretty hair? You won't anymore. It will be straw dry & dull. It will not shine. Think conditioner will help? It won't. It won't & there's no sense in trying it. It might soften your hair for a while (after you use half the bottle, of course) but it won't make your hair look any better. Buy a ponytail holder. You'll need it. You'll probably be wearing it all the time. You'll also need some hair dye. I sincerely hope your hair isn't a nice color....because it won't be soon. Yes...the color of your hair will fade out. You might even get grays. But gray is a nice color, isn't it? I rather like it. I think the grayish brown color where my natural red and blonde highlights used to be adds a bit of...oh...dignity to my look. Speaking of hair, do you like facial hair? I hope so. You'll have it. I have some lovely sideburns. Quite gorgeous. Actually, I have sexy hair everywhere. Fuzz, fuzz, fuzz. It’s hot. All the guys love it and all the girls I know ask how to get some. They're jealous, you know. I tell them how I got it, starving. They never attempt it...I know why though. Its not because they're smart & healthy...no, no. Its because they're weak. Not strong like me. Of course, my muscles are deteriorating as we speak & I can no longer use even my five pound weights but I'm still strong, aren't I? Yes...because I don't eat. & that's true strength, isn't it? Denying yourself the basic fuel you need for life. Yup...strong & smart.
I bet you're one of those girls will the enviable natural nails. Those shiny ones that are so long people sometimes think they're fake? Cut them. Go ahead & cut them off now. They'll only break soon anyway. Kiss your newly gray hair goodbye too. It'll be falling out about now. You get to clean the drain about 6 times during your shower, just so the water will go down. Also, you'll need to find a way to throw away your tampons to make it look as if you've been using them. Remember to tell your mom to buy you tampons once a month. Can't have her knowing you lost your period. & you will. I hope you're not having sex because you'll never know if you’re pregnant or not. I guess you can just take a test every few weeks. & yes...you can still get pregnant. I hope you don't love the baby though, because chances are you'll lose it. It would probably be for the best if you did though because of the nice birth defects caused by eating disorders. So, you might get to live with the knowledge that your child died or had to go through life with a terrible disability because of you...but it was worth it for thinness. A small price to pay for perfection, even though you're not the one paying it. Who needs their full mental capabilities anyway? I hope your kid doesn't. But that might not be a problem. You might never have children. You might become infertile. Oh well...pregnancy makes you fat anyway.
I don't enjoy sports. I used to. Not anymore...you won't like them soon either. Baseball? Nope. You won't be able to hit or catch. Goodbye reflexes & goodbye hand eye coordination. You won't be able to run enough to play basketball & if you play football you'll break your hip. Never needed that hip anyway. Your new plastic one will get you through just fine. Its not like your hip was going to stay intact forever, not with your shrinking bone mass. But the stooped look is good. I hope you think so, since you'll probably be sporting it by thirty. Since you're one of the special ones, one of the anorexic ones, I'll bet you enjoy ice water. Pour it out. Drink plain water, warm diet coke. It hurts too badly to drink iced drinks. You're taking sensitive teeth to a new level. Forget those special toothpastes though. They don't work when your teeth are slowly dying from vitamin deficiencies. Never liked those teeth anyway. Dentures are nice. How do you like to sit? Oh...you like your legs crossed? Hmm...too bad. Can't do that anymore. Your legs will fall asleep all the way up to your hips. Painfully asleep. This isn't like what you're used to, that tingly feeling. This hurts. A word of advice. After uncrossing them, just sit there. Don't try moving them or hitting them to wake them up. Bad idea...very painful. Don't stand up either, unless you enjoy collapsing.
Which would be a good thing, since you'll also be doing that. A new hobby, falling. Your legs won't like holding you up anymore. Falling out from under you will be their new favorite activity. They'll like collapsing. You'll be spending alot of time on the ground. Fainting is common too. & don't think this is something you can hide. Whenever you pass out dead in the living room in front of your mom or brother they'll wonder why...and unless they're complete idiots they'll probably know why...especially if you're 30 pounds underweight. Get ready for nagging. Eat this, eat that, why are you doing this to yourself?? You could always go to your room to escape though. Then you can lie in bed & bite your lip until it bleeds...why would you want to do that, do you ask? Because of the leg cramps, of course...oh! I must've forgotten to mention those! Oooh...the cramps are nice. Your muscles are balled into excruciating knots. You'll double over to massage the knots out and...what? There are no knots. There IS no rubbing the knots out because there are no knots. It just feels like it. There's nothing you can do. You just get to lie there & try not to scream. & trust me...you'll want to. Of course, you could always rub your legs anyway...it might make you feel better to pretend there's something you can do to help them. But you might not be thinking about your legs...you might be distracted by the headaches. Take some aspirin...oooh...or don't. Your tummy's too empty; it'll only make you throw up everywhere.
You'll probably get chest pains. Maybe heart flutters. This is scary too, because you never wanted to die, you just wanted to be thin. But remember, you can't tell. Telling is forbidden & asking for help is weak.
Do you have problems with depression? You do now. The less you eat the more depressed you become. Partially from vitamin deficiencies, partially from your lovely eating disorder. Do you have problems with insomnia? That's right, you've got that now too. You're exhausted beyond belief but you still can't fall asleep...& when you do you can't stay asleep. Who needs sleep though?? Not you. Staying awake burns more calories anyway. Do you do well in school? You don’t now. You can’t concentrate. Your mind won’t function, & the only thing you can actually think about is food anyway. You'll become more nervous too. Jittery. You'll also have difficulty talking. Oh...have you never had a stuttering problem? Well, you do now. You also forget what you wanted to say alot. Goodbye memory.
Triggers are everywhere & you want to kill yourself more with each bite you swallow. Maybe you will kill yourself. Maybe you'll fight & fight & enter recovery only to die while in recovery or even afterwards from complications caused by your years of having an eating disorder. After fighting for the longest time, maybe you will get out. Maybe, after numerous slip ups & times that where so hard you thought you'd die, you recover. It takes a while. Even after you've eaten right for months & months your body still isn't the same. You start to wonder if it will ever be the same again. It might, but you won't. No. This will always be a part of you, it will never go away. Years later it will still be with you, you will still have those moments. Sometimes you'll pass a mirror & suddenly be 200 pounds larger. You'll panic & shake your head, trying to clear the image away. Something will happen in your life, maybe you'll lose your job. Something will happen to take away your control & you'll try to gain it back through starving. You will NEVER be the same. You'll see an article on a someone with an eating disorder & you'll start to cry, remembering that terrible pain. I'm not talking about the physical pain. That's the only pain I described, because it’s the only part that's describable. There are no words for the mental anguish. It can never be described. It’s unimaginable. You'll never feel another pain like that, another pain so filled with self loathing, vulnerability, terror, rage, desolation...
WHY do you want this?? WHY?!? I know, even after reading this, that you're still sitting there, wanting this. Why? What is it you want?? Is it beauty? Do you honestly think you won't be like this?? Do you honestly think malnutrition won't steal your looks? Is it glamour? READ THIS. Show me the glamour. Is it control?? Let me tell you, you'll NEVER be more out of control than you are when you have an eating disorder. You don't control what you put in your mouth. Hell, you don't even control your thoughts. You have NO control. None. Do you honestly think that you'll be able to do this & not wind up this way? Do you think you are the one person on earth who can control this, who can just stop??? Do you think that maybe you can just do this, get thin, & stop?? WRONG! It doesn’t work that way. Do you WANT to die? Do you want to be a martyr or something? Do you think this is beautiful? I bet you think its some sort of tragic beauty. Its not. There's nothing beautiful about it. Do you want some attention? Buy a new eyeliner, dance naked in the streets. Needing attention is a natural thing but there are a hell of alot better ways to get it. Do you want to look at your family’s faces & know that you're killing them too? Imagine watching your child killing themselves, imagine your helplessness, imagine KNOWING that they're dying & KNOWING that there's NOTHING that you can do. Imagine fearing the day you'll come home to find them dead from this. Just sit there & try to think about it. Of course, while you're starving yourself you won't see that anguish. You won't be able to. You can't see anything, you're too self absorbed. You're too busy thinking about your weight, about food. You'll see it when you recover though & you'll hate yourself for doing that to the ones you love. You'll wish there was something you could do to erase it but there is nothing. You just have to live with it...& living with it is hard. Especially when you think of how many times your anger came out on them, how many times you got nasty when they were only trying to save your life.
If you do this, one day you will wake up. One day you’ll wake up & realize how much you wasted. Maybe you’ll realize that you wasted your teenage years. That you threw away your chance at a normal education, possibly even college. You tossed prom, homecoming, parties, & friends out the window. Those times are gone & you can never get them back. Maybe you’re older, maybe you threw your career away. You’ve probably screwed your job record completely & there is no erasing this. You’ll regret this more than anything & there’s nothing you can do about it….& there’s nothing you can do to get back those wasted years. & do you know what? You probably won’t even remember most of what occurred during those years. I don’t.
You probably want this for the beauty, for the thinness. You probably hate yourself & think this is a way to fix it. Its not. Do you want to know about self-hate? Do you??? Then go ahead & start starving, because I can guarantee you that however much you hate yourself now, it’s nothing, NOTHING, compared with how you'll feel about yourself once you get in this. You will despise yourself; you'll hate yourself more than anything. You'll hate yourself more every single day. You're the lowest scum on the earth. You deserve death but death is too good for you. You're lower than murderers & rapists. Child molesters are better than you & no matter what torture you think of, you know for a fact that you deserve something worse.
But do you know what? Self-hatred is the least of your worries now. Because you've likely just signed your own death warrant...& you likely don't even care...yet. But you will. You will care. You will care & you will cry & rage & swear you'd give anything to take it all back. But it’s too late, because by the time you're in deep enough to care, you're already dying. Its too late to snap out of it now, no matter how much you want to.
This is the reality of anorexia, of NOS-anorexia. It is nothing like the powerful articles you read on how so & so overcame it. It is nothing like the beauty you see when you look at that thin model. It is nothing like that beautiful popular girl who naturally weighs 80lbs. It is nothing like anything you've ever lived before & you will never be the same.
- From Meg.
- From Chelsea
You do not want anorexia. It is impossible to choose anorexia anyway, it actually creeps up on you when you’re low and fucks you up. Your step dad rapes you, you ‘learn’ anorexia by watching your mum eat 5 sticks of celery a day and that’s all, your dad is a manic-depressive and gets violent, your best friend dies and you can’t cope, you have an anxiety disorder so bad you can’t leave the house, you’re so depressed you’ve been hospitalised for suicide attempts 7 times before your 15th birthday, and your sister has just got the best grades in her exams out everyone in the county. This is the kind of breeding ground anorexia uses. It is not glamorous, it is not beautiful. Trying to become anorexic starts out quite easily - you cut the calories, you fast, you exercise like crazy, and the pounds drop off. It’s amazing, you’ve never felt like you’re in more control!!
Then after maybe 3 weeks, things start to go wrong. You have the most incredible craving for food, not like anything you could even imagine before! And the next thing you know you’re bingeing - stuffing yourself on any food available. Soon you’re bloated to the size of an obese elephant and your weight has gone way up. The next day you promise yourself you’ll do better, and you won’t binge again. But you do. And the day after and the day after. Sometimes you’ll have a good day, but it won’t be enough, you’ll still be gaining weight from binge-eating. You’ll feel desperate - there is nothing you can do to stop yourself bingeing! You want to kill yourself, maybe for the first time in your life. After a while a wannabe-anorexic usually goes down another path - ‘recovery’ or bulimia.
The one who attempts to ‘recover’ and go back to normal fails. They’re too far in now. They try and eat normally, but it just seems impossible. Either the calories are counting up in your head like crazy, and you’re terrified out your mind. Or you do eat and every single meal turns into a full-scale binge. Sometimes you’ll relapse into you ‘anorexia’ but still can’t shake off the bingeing habit. It’s just too hard. So in the end after months and months of trying to regain normality you achieve it, pounds and pounds, maybe even STONES heavier than you started.
You thought the ‘recovery’ was bad, well it’s nothing compared to bulimia. The wannabe-anorexic realises they’re gaining weight from bingeing, and resorts to desperate measures to remove the unwanted calories - vomiting, laxatives, diuretics, enemas, fasting, excessive exercise. The bulimic will maintain their weight for years and years at a steady high, while their health slowly declines. Chances are a bulimic will die - ruptured oesophagus where you bleed to death with your head in a pile of your own vomit, a sudden heart attack when you’re only in your teens, paralysed from a lack of potassium…the list goes on. The sad joke of bulimia is, how many calories are got rid of by laxatives, diuretics, and enemas - NONE. Vomiting - maybe half if you’re lucky. Fasting - you’ll get so hungry you’ll binge again anyway. And exercise - well the number of hours will never equal the calories consumed.
Don’t kid yourself bingeing won’t happen to you, that you will become a beautiful bag of bones. Because you won’t. Anorexics only become that way because of their ILLNESS, which you don’t have, which enables them to get to such a dangerously low weight. But if you want to cause yourself problems - then yeah, what a way to go. You’ll go crazy. Ever eaten mouldy food straight from a bin? Stolen money for food from your mum’s purse? Eaten an entire jar of custard powder? Stood on a train twitching your arse just so you can burn more calories? Not gone out because you’re just so terrified of being ‘made’ to eat? Been convinced that everyone hates you and is out to get you? Worked your way through 21 outfits in a day because you’re convinced you look fat in all of them? Dream of being so emaciated you are being fed food through your nose? No? Well welcome to the world of the eating disordered.
- From Josie
I was at the hosptital visiting my mother for mothers day. I was sitting with her, and my father and brother were also there. My dad told me the only way I could go with them is if I agreed to his "conditions." He had asked me not to come see her for a while because I had started losing a lot of weight again, so I was willing to agree to anything. He told me that in order to be able to see my mother I had to agree to wear a few layers of clothing (75 degrees outside), I couldnt hug her because he didnt want her to be able to feel how thin I had gotten, and I had to agree to eating an entire meal of whatever was put in front of me and act completely normal about it. So I ate the meal (Lasagna, bread, salad) and then I went into the bathroom at the hospital and purged. I ended up fainting in the bathroom and being found by a nurse and admitted to the hospital. I had to be fed through a feeding tube and they were trying to force me back into inpatient. My dad didnt even come see me while I was in there, he said he was too ashamed. From icantchoose1
The worst I've experienced just happened recently.
I was in the hospital for a month because the fat surrounding my intestines was eaten up due to not eating. So it caused a section to collapse and they had to create a bypass.
I was really sick and I had to be fed through a TPN bag that went through a IV that was surgically inserted into my heart.
I couldn't eat for a long time so I ended up taking home my IVs (I had three different IV bags) and I had a home health nurse come change it three times a day.
The worst thing was when I was in the hospital, I shared a room with a mother of 5 that was losing a battle to stomach cancer. I saw her cry and go through so much pain. It was sad to her family come visit her and get so emotional. We talked and became close.
I felt so ashamed that I had put myself in the hospital and here was a woman that would give anything to live a few more months. That was really tough. From f4shi0n_th1s
The Worst Thing that Happened to me:
i ruined my sisters special day
I fainted at my sisters dance recital
she was going to get some award or something adn she was so excited about it
and i hadn't eaten for literally 34 days
just before her solo i stood up to get closer to the stage to take a picture and ended up fainting
and i ruined the whole thing
you can't really hide the fact that an ambulance had to come and get me and shock my heart back into working.
anorexia can seriously do damage to the heart. as i learned that day.
the worst part
was my sister was so disappointed. all our lives all the attetion has been focused on me and my problems. and here was her chance to shine, to let people know she wasn't just my little sister. and go figure it ended being about me. my whole family left and just left her there.... From hiding_grl
Four years ago lost a baby due to not eating/purging etc.
I was 4 months pregnant bud didn't know as hadn't had a period for a year or so, and haven't had one since so had no idea i could get pregnant.
The worst thing is that they had to operate to remove said dead baby.
And worse still, I was more upset that they made me eat half a cheese sandwich before they discharged me than i was about the baby.
A friend of mine recently had a baby 5 months prematurely. The little girl survived. My friend sent me a picture while i was in hospital (recovery) so i now know what my baby would have looked like, and that i killed an ACTUAL BABY, not just a bundle of cells.
Whenever i see toddlers it rips my heart out, cos if it wasn't for my ED, I'd have a little one of that age.
Though in fairness I can barely look after myself.
But maybe if i'd had it my life would be very different. From xo_waiting_ox
I once lost a child to anorexia.. I starved and starved and didn't realize i was pregnant. I miscarried, but i was probably 'only' 1-2 months pregnant at the time.
it killed me.
The other day i was out for pizza with my boyfriend and some friends, and there was a baby at the next table, who smiled at me and giggled.. it made me so .. sad. From notyetseen
The many times I've heard tears in my boyfriend's eyes kills me.
He worries about me so much. And he cares even more than he worries. I can see the pain I cause him, and it's caused me pain and guilt. I'm always afraid that because he knows I don't love myself, one day he won't see the point in loving me either. Ugh. I hate hurting someone else with this. From ginamariee
My ED worst expierence.
I was walking home from a mile walk.
I was up for twenty four hours running on a coffee about 7 hours earlier and I hadn't eaten.
There's a bride I had to cross before I got to my house. I knew I could cross it. It was no problem, I've done it a million and one times. I get to the arch and I passed out on the sidewalk. I don't know how long I was out, I just remember waking up to this (really cute) guy standing over asking if I was alright and threatening to call the hospital. I was going crazy saying I was fine and I just lived a little bit of way (which was true).
I made this RIDICULOUS story up about how I was coming home with a hang over and how my mom would kill me if she found out. He let me go and I was able to walk home just fine. But I was SO scraped up and had TONS of bruises. It still scares the crap out of me when I see that bridge. Because it's SO easy to get runned over on it... From cutecannibal
Mine wasn't life threating,, just heart breaking (for me anyways). I am 43 with a 6year old granddaughter. She hugged me one day, ,and pulled back saying OOOOOUCHHH!. I asked her what was wrong and she said my ribs hurt her, and she likes me better softer. It was more the look in her eyes than anything, and now when I go for a hug, she won't really 'hold' me,, she says she doesn't like being hurt. From nuck1
slitting my wrists.
and failing. From try_shan
Mine is of a lighter note. I get crabby when people expect me to eat when I don't want to. I have isolated myself from so many people because I am on this constant diet. I am moody, don't sleep well, and my whole day is determined by what the scales say. I have been this way for so many years, I don't know any other way to be. I gave up looking for a boyfriend because that would involve:
1) having to eat with him
2) having to cook for him
3) having to smell cooked food
4)all of the above. From yahsure
i didnt eat for 2 weeks and then i had to eat but i had some quite strong painkillers left so after the two week fast id take a few every night/ m,orning theyd make me feel sick and throw up anything i had to eat i overdosed every day for 3 weeks just to lose weight and to be able to sleep
the result ..
gained everything back and my metabilism slowed like mad i found it very dificult to lose any weight for a long time after and its made my stomache very tempromental now sometimes its painful to eat and it certainly hurts when i drink now! From pinkwaste
I was put into a "help" center by my parents.
instead of going to school i spent time there.
(Josie you know a lot of that story.)
the worst part wasn't ending up in the hospital
It wasn't being fed through a tube
It's just that now everybody knows.
all the people at school talk about it behind my back.
I walk down the halls and i hear this people go
"remember when we could see through her?"
"what happened"
"they threw her in the nut house and force fed her"
and it's like nobody knows anything and any time i bring it up in class i have to go to the office. any time i talk about eating or not eating or about anything that happened i get sent to the office.
One of my teachers has to watch me when i eat.
I got popular
but everyone knows im damaged
Now i found out that I'll never be able to have kids.
But even with all that
Even though i know its killing me
I cant make myself eat From Williowraver
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