Here you shall find those funny folk from the Grove. Whack on yer reading glasses and prepare to be tickled silly.
Here we will give you a taster of the rare and undisputed talent of Sir Oliver Sharp (aka Sharpie).
'Sharp by name and Sharp by nature'TM
Q. George Bush is on a sinking ship, who gets saved?
A. The nation.
Nurse : Doctor, Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room,
Doctor Sharp : Well, go in there and tell him i can't see him!
Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.
Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.
Q. What do you get if you cross an owl with a bungee rope?
A. My ass
(to understand this you need to watch 'Kung Pow')
The Chronicles Of Chris
Previously...
Part I - The Meeting
Chris, a lonely, psychotic shrew, was walking down the street when a plump breasted, speckled carrier pigeon fell out of the sky. "Oh Dear," said Chris, who really couldn’t give a tiny rat’s arse. "Please help me oh kind vole," pleaded the pigeon, "I need to deliver this bag of seed to Farmer Eccleston or he’ll get awfully grumpy." "I’m a shrew you flying rat," exclaimed Chris in disgust, "Anyway, what is your name?" "Speckled Jim, and your’s is?" enquired Jim. "Chris, Nice To Meet You………………''
Was it really nice to meet him? Find out in the next installment of The Chronicles of Chris
Part II - The History
One week before the path-crossization of Chris and Jim, in some derelict part of the Nevada plateau, Chris wandered aimlessly around a mexican hat, thinking of how he would pay back the rent on his automobile and how to get his wife and kids free from jail for drug trafficking.
While Chris pondered the matter, he didn’t know he was being watched. On the grassy knoll, a plump breasted speckled pigeon was observing him through calculating eyes. The reason for this winged demon to be watching Chris, is that he, Jimjamin Benedictine III (Jim) was the drug baron was in cahoots with the drug smuggling shrews (Chris' family), or the SS, which is their street name. Exactly 3 days previous, the SS were caught smuggling what was ibuprofen disguised as seed. They stood out from the crowd while Axel F’s 'Crazy Frog' was booming out from the 100 foot speakers around the town of Mombrop, and were the only people not to be suffering from a rather severe headache the day after. Due to this disaster, Jimjamin lost out on a total of 4 pence and as much bread he cud fit in his right nostril (which to a pigeon is the same as owning an estate in upper Essex and a rather large Emu farm, or in other words a hell of a lot of cash).
So anyway, as Jimjamin watched Chris, unaware of his surroundings, a rather fast mule train hit him side on, sending him spinning into the earth’s orbit for approximately one week, where he would plummet back to the earth. Chris meanwhile, had come to the conclusion that his car was probably stolen by now anyway and that he didn’t give two hoots about the missus and the kids as it was a lot quieter without that old windbag telling him to ''get up off his arse''. So he set off on what would turn out to be a week’s expedition, to find some toilets, as he’s been busting for the loo for a total of 3 years now and there’s no trees to piss behind in Nevada...........
Part III - The Bullshit
So, as the story unfolds, many things have happened. Shrews have been arrested, mules and pigeons have collided, a moderately priced bottle of champagne was half drunk and never mentioned in the story, to the disgust of the champagne.
After three day’s worth of waddling and cross leggedness, Chris finally found the toilet. And may I add he enjoyed that moment more than a badger enjoys a scotch on the rocks with a twist on a hot Sunday afternoon. After he had thoroughly relieved himself, which took no longer than 4 days to fully emit the contents of his bladder (remember though, he hasn’t been to a toilet in 3 years), he began to walk down the street, when a speckled pigeon fell from the earth’s orbit. (Re-read Part I)
(Seems familiar, doesn’t it? It’s what we call a déjà vu, and what the French call ‘somebody else’s problem’)
Please return for the next "Chronicles Of Chris", a 20 part series stretched out over the next few years. To receive them before wannagosurfing get there hands on them, send a stamped addressed envelope to someone who cares.
This has been a Pearson® Production and 50% of the profits from these stories go to the hungry badgers of Indonesia. Hang in there badgers!
Past Stories
