Waiting For My Missionary

Well, ladies...

It's been a long time since I have written on this blog, and while I've been away, the website has seemingly EXPLODED with activity. You girls rock!

I figured I should give you all an update now that Elder Winters is actually home. As you probably know from the rest of the blog entries, Elder Winters and I did not make it the entire two years. I sent the dreaded "Dear John" 16 months after he left home. I continued to send letters occasionally, and he sent me one (the one that was mentioned in my last blog).

When he came home, I was so excited to see him. Even though our relationship was certainly changed, I still could not wait. Getting ready to go to his house the day after he got home, my mom offered to curl my hair, and I tried to look as adorable as possible (difficult since all of my clothes were packed to move to BYU-I two days later).

When I parked across the street and started the nervous walk up to his front porch, I was surprised to see him burst through the front door, arms outstretched and huge grin plastered ear to ear. In that moment, I forgot that anything had ever changed.

But reality soon hit. 

We hugged for awhile (still a great hugger - some things never change), and then went inside to talk. We had a pleasant catch-up session, hugged some more, and then I left - and came out to BYU-I. 

We saw each other a couple times while I was home during break and have had some nice conversations via telephone and Skype the past few months, but things are very platonic, and I can tell that he his holding back. 

I know that I needed to send the Dear John, and I wouldn't take it back - but I do wish that I could have it both ways. I wish that I could have done what I needed to do, and still somehow, not had to sacrifice what I had with Elder Winters.

I still love him, and I will never forget the memories that we have shared together. There's still a part of me that writes a fairytale in my head where we run off together and spend forever living happily ever after - and who knows, I guess it could still happen...

but in the meantime, and just in case it doesn't, I am enjoying my life. 

Even though I am no longer waiting for a missionary, I am still planning to keep this site up and running for you ladies. I hope that you can continue to support one another and the missionaries you love.

If you are interested in hearing more about my current life, check out my new blog:

www.anxiouslyengaging.blogspot.com

Hang in there and stay strong!

<3

Note: This blog post is not written in an angry voice. Please try to hear it in the voice of your best friend. I'm actually trying to have a conversation with you as you read this, and I don't know what you are thinking - so I might say the wrong thing for your thought, but know that this is an attempt to create the conversation that would have spoken to me a year ago when I never would have believed that a dear john was in my future - when I believed that nothing would come between me and my missionary - not that I had received a confirmation that I was gonna marry him, because I hadn't (that would change things), but that I had no doubt that I would. I love you girls, and do not mean for this to sound defensive - only to sound conversational. Good luck girls! You are all wonderful women who support wonderful men. Hang in there. I know you'll make great decisions.

I'm about to write the two words you have been dreading ever since you heard that your man was going on a mission - the two words that plagued you only moments after he left and that continue to haunt your nightmares - the two words that you swear you'll never use...

Dear John.

Now, before you get all defensive, swear off this website and every piece of advice I've ever written, and silently pray that you haven't made any of my mistakes, hear me out. I want to tell the side of the story you don't want to hear... because frankly, you need to hear it.

Things can be fairytale perfect and still end. Love can be 100% true and still not be what is right.

You girls have read the story. You know how wonderful Elder Winters was to me, and how much I adored him - how much I still adore him. You know that he was my best friend, the greatest companion, and the most wonderful example I ever could have wished for. You know that he and I went into this mission fully expecting to wind up married soon after the end of it.

And I hope you know that I am not "that" girl. I am committed when I commit and I believe in fidelity and honesty. I hope you haven't read this far and still planted in your head, "oh, her love was different than MY love" because, I hate to break it to you, but it wasn't.

Now, don't hyperventilate or get angry. I'm not saying that things won't work out with your missionary; I'm only saying that they MAY not work out with your missionary despite your love for him.

It's true. You love your missionary "avec ton coeur entier", or with your whole heart... but is there anyone else you love more?

Yourself? Probably not or you wouldn't have been willing to make this sacrifice for two years.

Your family? Possibly, but hopefully they aren't making you choose between them or your man.

Your friends? How could you love them more when he's the best one you have?

Is there anyone else in your life?

I certainly hope so, and I hope that you love Him more than you love your missionary.

Your Heavenly Father.

He loves you with His whole heart, and I hope that you love Him with every ounce of your soul. Even more than your missionary.

And maybe right now He isn't asking you to give up your missionary, and if that's the case - good for you. But think for a moment, what would you do if He did?

What would you do if you met someone else and felt that you were supposed to date them? Not just that you wanted to, but that you actually NEEDED to in order to learn something? Would you do it? What if you prayed and knew that it was what Heavenly Father wanted for you at that time? Would you be willing to step into the unknown and leave behind the comfort of your happily ever after with your best friend to step into a world of uncertainty?

I hope, if that happened, that you would embrace the words

Dear John

no matter how difficult it might be. I hope that you would walk into the darkness with the faith that Heavenly Father would guide you to your ultimate happiness.

And I hope that eventually you would receive a letter like I did today (almost four months of silence after sending mine) - a letter that sealed that chapter in your relationship and opened a new one of friendship and mutual support - a letter that showed faith in the Lord's ways and faith that you did what was right - a letter that was respectful, forgiving, and ready to move forward with life.

But above all, I hope that no matter what happens, you always put the Lord first, and no matter what He requires of you, that you give it "avec ton coeur entier".

May God bless all of you and the missionaries you love. May you all get your happily ever after's, and if they don't come as you've planned, may you still accept them with open and happy arms.

Love,

Bobbie

I was able to talk to Elder Winters on the phone yesterday because it was Christmas. His mother invited me... and I really couldn't resist. It was amazing to hear his voice, but it also brought back all the original sadness. I hope that he wasn't bummed after we talked together. I know I was for awhile... but I also felt wonderful because I was able to tell him all the things I wanted to say. I told him how much I love him and that I am going to wait for him because I love him. I also told him how proud I am of him and how proud Heavenly Father is of him for his service.

He seemed very guarded the entire time - like he was holding back... which makes sense because I can't imagine how hard it must have been to talk to all of us - especially since he wasn't expecting me to be on the phone with him. Still, he told me he loved me, and that was enough for me.

Today I received my birthday/ 3.5 year anniversary card and my Christmas card from Andrew. They were amazing, and I really feel like we are going to make it. All of the doubts that I had were gone and have been replaced by the feeling that we are actually going to make it! Seriously ladies... I could say more, but I really just want to let you know how happy I am - which is very.

He will be home in just a little over a year, and I really believe that we will be happy together... forever. <3

Well, ladies, I have a lot to report. As you can see, it has been over a month since I last wrote and things have been CRAZY!

Where to begin?

Soon after school started, I was asked to be the Relief Society President of the Young Single Adult branch that I attend. I was officially set apart and sustained on the Sunday before General Conference.

Two days before I was set apart (Friday), I was in a major car accident and totalled my car - but everyone was alright. Seriously, miracles really do happen every day!

General Conference was amazing!

School has been crazy because I've been observing at an elementary school half an hour away six hours a week in addition to my normal coursework.

Those things are all interesting, but I want to share with you something even MORE interesting (or at least relevant to all of you). In the past couple of weeks, ever since General Conference weekend, missionaries have been EVERYWHERE! Seriously! I have had so many opportunities to interact with the Elders... it has just been wonderful.

Let's start with Conference. First of all, I got to watch all the sessions of Conference, and I felt so close to Elder Winters because it was during the October Conference last year that he got his Call Packet... and because we always watched Conference together before he left - so I just knew some of the things that would really touch him and some of the thoughts that he was having at the exact same time that I was having them! I hadn't felt so close to him in a long time. As a matter of fact, after my accident, I was missing him more than ever. I would've given almost anything just to get one hug from him in the days that followed the accident, but Conference WAS that hug because I felt close to him again.

During Conference weekend, I also watched The Best Two Years, The Errand of Angels, and The Other Side of Heaven. YAY! Missionary movies! Now, you have to understand: I NEVER watch movies - EVER, and I had not yet watched any of these movies since Elder Winters left. The Best Two Years was even funnier than it used to be now that I have a little more experience with missionary work. I couldn't get over the fact that Kirby Heyborne's character weighed "a buck twenty-five", liked Chess, and wore glasses. Can I just say that all of those characters fit my missionary too? I laughed so much at that part. The Errand of Angels was pretty good, but not as good as I had hoped, but I still liked the message of missionary work. Of course, my favorite was The Other Side of Heaven because Jean and "Kolipoki" get married at the end. I know we all love a story that ends that way, right? It is such a beautiful movie and based on a true story. If any of you haven't seen it, DO! It's by Disney, so the Mormon references are very discrete, but it still talks about a wonderful Elder serving the Lord, the people he reaches, and does mention the girl back home - who later becomes his wife. LOVE IT!

In addition to Conference and movies, I have just seen the Elders a lot. I have a friend who is interested in the Book of Mormon, and a friend who is currently meeting with the missionaries, so I've been able to sit in on some discussions. I've also had the chance to meet with the missionaries at church activities to help facilitate missionary work in the Branch. At our FHE this Monday, the missionaries led a discussion on the Restoration. Even members of the Church were able to learn a lot, and everyone had a chance to bear his or her testimony if he or she chose. It was really a great discussion.

Oh yeah! And one of the missionaries in our branch right now - his name is Elder Hinckley. YES, just like President Gordon B. Hinckley, who happens to be one of his distant relatives!!! Awesome, right? He gave me a blessing the other day, and I can't wait to let Elder Winters know that Elder Hinckley gave me a blessing! He'll be so happy. We both have a special place in our hearts for Gordon B. Hinckley.

Anyway, I got a letter yesterday from my boy. It was the letter where he responded to both my calling as the Relief Society President and the car accident, so it was more than the front of a small sheet of paper like I usually get :). In it, he was so sweet. He told me not to get into any more accidents twice. I don't know how to describe it, but it wasn't joking... and when I read that section of the letter, I couldn't help but tear up. The accident was such a scary thing, and those few lines saying he can't even think about me not being here and not to get into any more accidents really touched a part of my soul that had been aching for comfort ever since I'd stepped from the car.

I really love that boy. He knows exactly what to say, how to say it, and when I need to hear it.

Oh yeah, and girls, THANKS for all the support on this website. You guys are awesome! We have had almost 1500 views! (69 in the past week alone). Who knew this would become so well-viewed?

Love you guys!

Stay strong!

Help those around you!

Grow in your own right!

Write your boys!

Bobbie

I must report I feel a TON better. I just watched all the videos we made together before he left, and I BAWLED my eyes out. I feel like a lot of my pent-up emotions have been let out... and I can finally go to bed in peace.

I'm in a slump again. GRR!!!

Okay, so school has been back in session for awhile now, and I only got three letters this entire summer (by letters, I mean envelopes... but his letters were all really short). I know, I'm complaining, but I might as well do it here. It's okay for us to complain sometimes, after all. I mean... we deserve a sounding board.

As I was saying, school started a few weeks ago... and I haven't sent a single letter since it did. I feel horrible! One week, I wrote but didn't mail, the next week, I didn't write... and this week I'm writing tomorrow (time already set aside). Since it's Labor Day weekend, I won't get to mail anything until Tuesday... which means that he will be going almost a month without a letter from me. This makes me feel bad...

BUT, what makes me feel even WORSE is that I've forgotten to wear the necklace he gave me three days this week. I remember him telling me the last time we saw each other not to feel bad if I didn't think about him every day (after I told him not to feel bad if he thought of me sometimes)... and while I still think about him every day... it is not nearly as much as I did a month or two ago. Despite his urging not to feel bad, I feel horrible.

I know that I'm in an awkward stage in the waiting process... not halfway there, but long enough in that he feels forever far away. I can no longer see our past clearly... but our future is distant and hazy.

I love him, I do... but this is harder than I thought it would be. I just wish I could remember more clearly. I just wish that I could have another glimpse that this is right.

Sorry this is so depressing. I really only seem to write on here when I'm down and missing him... and having doubts. I guess it's a good sign that I don't write often. I hope you ladies are doing well, and that your missionary is focused, but still finds the time to send you his love.

Bobbie

Hey ladies!

I know my last blog was a little bit depressing. I was just being honest with how I felt, and let me tell you... it felt AWESOME to share that with you ladies. I know we sometimes feel like we have to be these perfect Stepford Wife-esque missionary girlfriends - but how lame would that be right? We are still human. We are still single. We are still girls. We are still allowed to have moments when our faith wavers (is he really the one I want?) and moments when stark cold reality slaps us in the face (man, I can't believe I treated him like that!). With that said, I hope that we can stop kicking ourselves for being less-than-perfect and embrace the awkward transition phase we are in. Waiting for a missionary is kinda like your relationship going through puberty. Everything's changing so fast, and it's all kinda fuzzy. You're together, but not together. You're committed, but not married. You're stuck between single and attached. It's awful and beautiful all at the same time, ya know? (Did I really just compare waiting to puberty? This is what happens when you write a blog at 1:00 a.m.)

Anyway, my main reason for writing is that I haven't updated you in forever. It's been two weeks since I got my letters. Let me rephrase that:

I GOT LETTERS FROM MY MISSIONARY!

So, it was the day after our three-year-anniversary, which was difficult as you can imagine. I went to a missionary farewell for my friend, Brittany, and one of the Elders from my Branch played the piano, and the other told his conversion story. Missionary overload, right? Anyway, it was really pretty, and I ended up sitting in the chapel by myself singing "God Be With You 'Til We Meet Again" with my whole heart - hoping he could hear me across the distance. It ended up being a very beautiful moment, and I really felt like he was there with me.

The next day was Saturday, and my mom called me while I was out to tell me that there was something for me at the house. I was in my car before I hung up - already headed home to pick up my mail. He had drawn on the envelope and written "Happy Three Year" on the back. His stamp was upside down (which according to the MG facebook group means "I love you" in stamp code. How cute is that?).

The letters were fairly short and contained mostly information that I had already received from his parents' forwarded emails, but one of them ended with just the words...

"I love you, Bobbie, and I do miss you."

I had been praying for comfort and to know that he loved and missed me - so to see those words, so clearly answering my prayers, was a great comfort. I love Elder Winters so much!

I've gotta tell you, girls, this waiting thing is hard... but it is so worth it to have those moments when you learn what his upside down stamp meant or when you wake up from a dream where he was singing to you on the phone. Waiting is difficult. It is tiring. It is, at times, grueling... but no amount of sadness, loneliness, or despair can overcome the hope of endless tomorrows with the man you love by your side.

*sigh*

Mine would be Elder Winters, of course.

Happy waiting, ladies! Take care, and make sure your boys are feeling inspired. They get down sometimes, so try to be as optimistic as possible. Write your letters with the help of the Holy Ghost, and cut them some slack if they don't write as often as you would like. They are so incredibly busy!

Talk to you guys later!

(probably after I go awhile longer without a letter);),

Bobbie

Well ladies, I guess it's time for me to be candid. The past few weeks have been a little bit disheartening. I have not received any communication from my boy (aside from the letters his mother is nice enough to forward) since the beginning of May. In other words, it's been almost two months since I've had an "I love you." or even just the assurance that he is thinking of me - no matter how occasionally. This dry spell has had a couple of side effects - some of them quite unexpected.

1) I wish I could have been better. I don't know how many of you have gone through this, but lately - I don't know if it's because I haven't heard from him or just because it's been awhile since I've seen him - I have been thinking about all the times that I got frustrated about silly little things, or didn't hug him enough, or wasted time dreading him leaving. I've been wishing that I hadn't been so easily upset and that I had focused more on his needs than I did. I wish that I had been more attentive, communicated more effectively, and never EVER given him the silent treatment.... which leads to...

2) I have resolved to be better. There isn't a whole lot that I can do right now to improve the way that I treat him (and I wasn't a BAD girlfriend before - just not the BEST), but I have made a resolution to be better when he comes home - not to take for granted the feel of his hand in mine, the sound of his heartbeat beneath my ear, the sight of his eyes smiling back at me.

3) I have wondered if he was the one. This is one that I considered not putting in this blog. After all, how do I know his mother isn't reading this? Still, it's important because you shouldn't feel crazy if this happens to you. It's hard to be surrounded by eligible bachelors - especially when they make you laugh like your missionary, or they are smart like your missionary, or they love the gospel like your missionary. It's hard when you are surrounded by people who have traits that mirror the man you love, and there are times when even the letters have become distant memories that  you doubt. I have doubted these past two months. I have seriously evaluated my missionary's every flaw - every tiny thing that ever bugged me about him, every weakness of our relationship. I have seriously considered the strengths of other guys. I have realized that I could be happy with someone else (nobody in particular, but generally speaking).

4) But I have decided that I WANT him. I don't believe that love is a matter of destiny, but rather a matter of choice. And I have decided. Unless he comes home and doesn't want me - or he comes home and we can't find one another again - he is the one that I want beside me forever. He is indecisive. He is often late for church. He has a hard time opening up - even occasionally to me... but he is also the kindest, gentlest, most spiritual guy I have ever been with. He is funny and sweet - caring and intelligent - grounded and dedicated. He is everything I could ever want in a man. He may not be perfect, but he is perfect for me. And the best thing about him is that he accepts MY imperfections - as huge and numerous as they are.

5) I have lost track of time. I just realized that it had been almost two months since I had received a letter. I couldn't believe it! Life has been busy, and truth be told, I've been having a blast.

6) But I have felt every moment. Still, even with time moving quickly, I have felt every moment without him. There honestly is a void in my life right now - where he should be.

It's been difficult going so long without a letter... and I have no idea how much longer it will be. The hard part isn't not knowing what he's doing or how he is. The hard part is not knowing if he ever thinks of me or still loves me. In my last letter, I asked him to just send me a tiny note that says, "I love you." If I can have just that, I know that I can make it through. I just need the reassurance that everything really will work out.

Happy waiting, ladies!

When letters seem scarce, have faith that love isn't.

Love,

Bobbie

It was worth it... going so long without a letter makes me appreciate his words even more. The good news is that I really had nothing to worry about. Pinto just has a funny way of writing letters. He writes weekly and mails anywhere from biweekly to monthly. That's okay though, because he really is adorable. I loved hearing from him (which I actually did a couple weeks ago, it was just the end of the semester and life was crazy). He had some trouble with housing, and so he moved twice over the period of time that the letters he sent covered.

One of the funniest things about his letters was that the first two stopped in the middle - one of them in the middle of a sentence... in the middle of a WORD! I love that he is following the rules so closely that when time is up, he stops. I am grateful for his dedication and his perseverence in serving. He really is a wonderful guy, and I know that he is a great missionary.

I love him so much, and I never would have imagined how much I could possibly miss him - how weird it feels that life goes on. It seems so bizarre that the semester is over, and I am sitting at home, smelling summer without him. I walked out to my car last night to get something, and when I opened the door, I was hit with the smell of summer and the sounds of the evening. Standing there, on my front porch, headed for my car... was so similar to (almost) every evening last summer when I would leave home to spend time with him. I stopped in my tracks, unable to move forward. For a moment, I was frozen by the memories. I guess it really is the little things that are the hardest.

The good news is that he has been gone for over four months - which means that he will be home in less than 20! (That's one-sixth over if you aren't so great at math!) I am so excited about him coming home... even though it is still so far away. Time has actually gone by pretty quickly, and I know that I am blessed to have the support of a wonderful family, great friends, and a loving Heavenly Father.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, and I won't be talking to him like a lot of girls do. I guess rules vary mission to mission, or maybe Pinto and I are just a little stricter in our relationship than others. Anyway, even though I won't be talking to him, I can't seem to stop thinking of his phone call home. I know that I won't hear him, but even to know that I can talk to his parents after they have heard his voice brings me so much joy. How weird is that?

Every day without him is one day closer to seeing him again.

Love,

Bobbie

     I haven't written much lately because the truth is... there hasn't been much to write. I'm trying not to be discouraged, but the last time that I received a letter was 34 days ago! Every time that I check my mailbox, the people in the mailroom (here on campus) look at me sadly - clearly pitying me for not having a letter... again. I know that I should have faith and not fear, but it's tough when I go so long without hearing from him.

     At least I know he isn't dwelling on me or losing focus, right? That should make me feel better, and I guess it does a little bit, but you'd think that he could've written at some point these past weeks. I hope everything is alright. I hope I really have nothing to worry about. Eventually, I will receive a letter. Until then, I will have faith that all is well, and that regardless of what happens - it will all be okay - better than okay even.

     Hopefully I'll have a happy, "I just got a letter" post soon, and when I write it, I'll have to mention how frustrating this time without a letter was. I'm certain I will say something along the lines of going a long time without hearing from him made it even better to hear what he's been up to and to read the words, "I love you." The truth is - I'll be right. No matter how hard it is right now, the frustration and doubt will disappear the moment I see a handdrawn heart or the word "love" scrawled in his imperfect cursive.

That's all for now,

Bobbie