~ No one really knows what it’s like, to wake up in the morning and feel so much pain that you wish you were dead, to walk around hoping that someone will notice the scars, the bruises, the cuts. That someone will care. To have to sleep in a bathroom because you’re too afraid to leave its safety with a lock on the door.
   I hope no one knows the pain of being utterly alone. To come home to a place where nothing gets done unless you do it yourself. I hope you don’t know what it’s like to be beaten until you want to run away so far you don’t even know where you are… Where you cut yourself just to remember that you can feel. You cut yourself to remember that you’re alive. Then you finally just want it to end… the cuts move from your legs… to your arms… finally to your wrists.
   At first you’re too scared to actually commit the deed… too afraid that everything your mother said about you being a demon on your way to hell was real. Then you don’t care anymore. The piling grades, the beatings, the pills, the lost loves, the broken hearts, the name-callers at school, the yelling, the screaming, the crying… it’s all too much. You lock yourself in the bathroom for the last time, taking the life that you were never allowed to have.

     ~Angel

~ I have come to notice that the majority of my peers are JUST LIKE ME, when it comes to my "mood disorder." I am one of the few who actually decided to get help on my own. And with this help, I no longer cut, beat things, throw things, etc. I have found other ways to get out my anger. Anyway, I was diagnosed with Bipolar by my therapist. And my psychiatrist told me I am not. So, I am not Bipolar but I do have a mood disorder, that I can most likely grow out of. And hopefully I will because I want to join the Army.
  Now, they (parents, doctors, etc) want me on Lithium. I refuse to take Lithium. I refuse to be on any more drugs. I don't want to be a drone. I don't want to feel some programmed feelings. I don't want my kidney to fucking fail. So I will not take it.
  Back to how the kids are just like me. I am everyone's counselor. I tell everyone what is okay, what is stupid, I explain how some people have it worse, that their lives will get better, that they deserve better than they have but they have to be willing to let go of the bad, etc. They don't understand that life right now isn't even a big deal. What happens now will effect your future but not everything. Boyfriends- won't effect your future. Grades- will effect your future. You have to choose which is more important. Suicide, is stupid. More than half of my friends have tried it, but if they really wanted to then they would have. But they haven't. Don't bother to worry about them because it's useless. I am more SANE than most of the people I know. I don't hurt myself. I don't want to die. I know what is okay and what isn't. I understand there are consequences for everything. I understand that life is important but certain events in it aren't.

Now I am bored.

~Dolly

Sorry we haven't written in awhile. We have been busy. 

Ever run out of paper when you want to draw? How about a dead pen? I found the cure! Henna! Yes Henna tattoos! They are the best thing ever. I encourage you to go out and buy a henna tattoo kit. They last for 3 weeks. And you are never stuck with them. A henna tattoo has chemicals that stains your skin temporarily. You can draw anything you want and have it stay with you for 3 weeks! I currently have a ribbon with "Support Our Troops" around it, a nifty design on my hand, and a nautical star on my right ankle. You can put them anywhere. And to prep. for the tattoo, you put Eucalypts Oil on it and it opens your pores, which feels mighty good. Go get one!

More later.

Dolly

~ WAYS TO DEAL WITH  ANGER:

 1. If you are mad at a specific person, write exactly what you think about them down and then rip it up
 2. If you are mad at nothing, punch a pillow.
 3. Rip up paper and lots of it.
 4. Take a picture of the person you are mad at and use it for spit ball target practice.
 5. Scream
 6. Crying. Which has been proven to release a stress relieving hormone
 7. Write angry letters
 8. Talk to someone
      Those are a few helpful hints. :-)

~Dolly

~ Today I found out that someone I once cared dearly for is going to Iraq. He joined the Marines in summer of 2005 and is being sent to Iraq in 4 months. I haven't actually spoken to him in a month and a half or so. I miss the guy. He's just a friend. I have no other feelings for him anymore. But it still hurts. In reality, this man may die. I hope he doesn't. I pray to whatever higher power that he lives. I want all of you to do the same. Support the troops. I'm not saying support the war... just support the troops! That's all I have to say.

Dolly

~ I am alone. Every day I come home to hell, dreading the monsters within. A mother who is half here, half gone; lost in the bottom of a bottle. No father, no siblings, just me. My mattress is in the pit we call a livingroom. Trash is scattered across the house, in a very apparent disarray. I run to my room away from my mother who is sprawled on the mattress on the floor. I want to sleep; sweet release. But where am I to go? Who would take me in? I won't sleep by that woman, never. I crawl on my barren box-spring, and a large black spider scurries across. I run to the corner of my bed, pressed against the wall and cry, alone. I am no one. I am nothing. I am alone. Always, alone.

~Angel

~My friends, we have the wrong group of people in out institutions! We lock up those who see thing that others do not, yet we let the people who push the people to insanity walk free. The "insane" simply see what others do not. The demons and haunts created by those cruel enough to creat them. The very people who label, criticie, and put individuals down without knowing the whole story. For example: Little Elizabeth is 15-years-old. Se comes home every day to a broken homewith a drunk mother, no father, and no friends to call her own. She leaves her home everyday to escape to a supposedly "safe" environment. She is quiet. She never does a mean thing to a single person. Then, one day, she is walking down the hallway in the wrong place, at the wrong time. She walks passed a bored group of the "popular crowd" and is called names like "Lizzy the Lizard" and is insulted until she cries. That night she takes her life. Think about what you say before you say it. You never know what kind of impact it can make.

Angel

                                 More from Angel later.

~So a heartache takes time to heal and sometimes it feels like it's gonna be there forever. But once you find someone new that you can actually relate to and have so much in common with the heart ache goes away. But sometimes when you see the person you loved with a new signifigant other your heart just stops beating. Even if you're talking to them online or in the phone it jerks a memory strand in your mind and all the memories you had with them flash back soo fast and you begin to think "Do I still love them?". I've thought that befor, and my opinion is, no. You're just remembering the feelings you had for them and all the great times you had with them. You may still be in love with them but its highly unlikely unless you havent found someone your happy with. For me, I've found someone I can actually talk to about my problems and can trust me when they know the horrible things I've done and still said yes to me. But like I said, you may still love them but the hate you also have for them because they dumped you or you dumped them because they did something horrible may be blinding it. You know theres a saying I'm not sure how it goes but heres a shot: "Why do people remember you for bad and not your good?"

Give that some thought and soon you will see, They've done more good than bad and your just too blind to see. Now, if the person you love/d is just a complete asshole and ignores you or just treats you like shit and they know you still love them I'm sure you suffer from heart ache.
Because they push you away and you want them more no matter how hard you try they just ignore you. Yes, you're in love with them but try finding for someone diffrent, not someone like them, 'cause they will most likely do the same, and you'll suffer more because you'll remember of the last you loved. Just all in all, Heartache goes away and is always confusing. So just be gratefull for what you have right now.

X3 Boom

~ If your friend won't listen to you when you need someone to talk to then they aren't your friend. Plain and simple. I thought someone was my friend. She turned out to not really care what was going on in my life. I tried to talk to her yesterday, and I ended up being bitched at for not considering how she felt for the day. Well honestly, I always listen to her bitch about her "shitty" life. She is having some problems but I am having problems as well.  Most of her problems are self-caused in my opinion. I, on the other hand, am having a shitty time because I am pretty sick and I can't help that. I can't help stressing over my so-called friends either. And sometimes, I just need someone to talk to and if someone isn't there for me when I need them then they aren't really my friend. That's my opinion.

~Dolly

I remember when I was little, I would always get out of bed and run to you and mommy and I crawl into your arms and fall asleep. I remember when you held in me your arms and I fell asleep and once you put me down I'd wake up and cry till you cradled me in your arms. I remember when you would always call me your princess and hug me and them tell me you love me. I remember I would always run to you when I got a boo boo or someone hurt me. But now... I run away from you and straight in mommy's arms. Not because I prefer her and I love her very much, only because you scare me now. You scare me terribly, I cry myself to sleep most of the nights and it scares me how you drink. I wonder if you ever stopped to think why I'm not as close to you as I was when I was younger? I wonder if you ever thought that you drinking scares me? You daughter, your so called princess? Your queen's little girl? The one that ran to you when she got made fun or got hurt? I remember one night you and mom were fighting and you were drunk, and you pulled out a machette and threatened mom and I ran between you and mom and I said "I'll call the police! Daddy don't don't hurt her!" and I fell to my knees and began to cry and scream. It was then that I realixed that I couldn't look at you the same. It was because of you daddy, that I don't call you daddy anymore to your face... only when I'm alone and crying myself to sleep, 'cause I know my imagination could show me you holding me in your arms and not drinking and just holding me telling me I'm your princess and that you love me. Daddy, if only you can say that to me once again sober, I would actually have a real smile on my face and I wouldn't have to tell my friends that you only tell me 'I love you' when your drunk. I feel soo ashamed, 'cause honestly right now... I would rather be fatherless, because I don't think I can handle the pain you caused me. Now I wonder, did you ever really love me? Tell me, cause I want, no NEED to now. I worry about you, everyday of every waking and sleeping moment of my life. 5454 days, endless crying and a scar for everytime that you've yelled at me, called me stupid, good for nothing, ect. I love you, daddy. Can't you see the only time when I'm sad is when you're around? And when you're not or just not even talking to me I'm fine, but deep down I'm not?

I love you, daddy.
X3 Boom

~So as we all know, life isn't easy. No one ever said it would be but no one ever said it would be so hard. Life is a gift, no matter how hard it is. It isn't something you should just throw away to sex or drugs or because your parents treat you shitty. It is something you should cherish. My friends are having difficult times and I, being the counselor of the sort that I am, try to help the best I can. My poor dear friends are having family issues, boyfriend/girlfriend issues, etc. They all have drama. I have drama. I just learned to not dwell on it. Like today, a guy I like started dating someone else. It bothered me for awhile, I complained, I got bitchy, but in the end, I really don't care. I'm still going to be the guy's friend and be there for him when he something happens between him and his girlfriend. Anyway, that's just how I am. I help and I try not to hurt. And I apologize if I have. Everything does eventually get easier. After all the high school drama and teenage waste leaves you, you will be triumphant and rule your own life. Try not to dwell on drama. At high school or higher even, it really isn't that important. Life goes on. 

A great way to see that life is pretty good is to have a set goal. My personal goals are to be a hairstylist and a counselor. I chose these because I like doing hair and helping people. Choose something you like to do and go for it. I am also planning on being a published writer. My parents have offered to have my poetry published and I'm pretty sure I am going to go through with it. My advice to all of you is choose your life path early in life. It really helps you a lot. It helps you to be happy and feel like you have a need in life. Trust me on this one. GOALS HELP.

~ I realized tonight, that even though he may treat me differently than most guys, he may not be treating me like shit. Maybe this is just how he really is, or maybe he is having a tough time. Either way, I can't bring myself to ignore him. He is just a friend and I know that. Even though I may not mean much to him, it hurts like a bitch when he promises to call then doesn't, when he says he cares then ignores me, etc. This guy pulled me out of my deep dark hole that I call depression. He really lifted me up. There are people out there who are only there for a brief moment to serve a small or large purpose and his was to help me and he did. I don't know if he is ignoring me or if he is having a tough time. I'd rather him ignore me than him suffer. I care way too much about the guy to see him in more pain. Understand that I had massive feelings for this guys a few weeks back but they have died down a tad bit since and I can now go a day without thinking about him but anyway this guy was my life saver. I wish he realized that. I wish he would see that I really care for him just as a friend now. And I wish he would let me know if he was okay. I hope you are hun. I really do.

~The point of writing all these things about him is simple, it is a way for me to vent and for you to realize that if you are in the same situation you are not alone. I want all of you to know that I will be here for you when you need me. Just post on the message board or PM me and I'll get back to you for help.  

                                                           ~Dolly

~ People may ask, why play guitar? Most people who play guitar are stoners, lazy, rude, etc. etc. I mean, look at all the rock stars like Kurt Cobain, Ozzy Osborne, Mick Jagger. These are the “typical” rock star. However, these people didn’t get their status as those things by playing guitar; they got that status by being corrupted by fame. The guitar is a rather relaxing instrument to play and can also open people up to a lot of different styles of music. Before I started playing guitar the main type of music I listened to was mostly rap. I listened to a few other bands like Red Hot Chili Peppers, but I mostly listened to music because A) it had an awesome beat or B) the lyrics sounded good. I didn’t listen to a band because they had great talent with guitar or choreographing a song. I started playing guitar and I started liking blues, 90’s rock, heavy metal, and a lot of different styles that had a focus on guitar. When I listen to a song now I can listen to the guitars and enjoy it not only because the lyrics sound good but because I also know how hard it is to play some of the stuff guitarists’ play today and how hard it is to make songs flow. Playing guitar is also really relaxing. I’ll come home and I’ll have had a bad day, I’ll pick up my guitar, sit back on my bed and just play some tunes I like to play and it’s really relaxing.  Guitar is one of the easier instruments to pick up also. It doesn’t take much to learn the basics, and you can play a lot of songs with just the basics. Tablature, musical notation for guitar, is easy to understand compared to piano notation and other types of notation. You can also get a basic guitar for very cheap. You can get a fairly good acoustic for about 100 bucks. That’s what I started out with and I was satisfied with it. Later on if you feel you want to continue with guitar later on, you can invest in something more expensive. I have been playing for 3 years, and right now I have $450 92’ Ibanez Rg550 with a $250 dollar Fender Amp and it sounds really good. If you really like playing guitar and want to invest some serious dough into it there are some really nice guitars running in the thousands.   

Overall the guitar is a great instrument to play because it is easy to learn, it is inexpensive to buy, and opens you up to new styles of music.

I highly recommend it.

                                                                  ~Caleo

~ We would like to ask of all readers to advertise our site. Thanks in advance.

~ If I were to die today, would he regret never telling me how he felt? Would he even think about me? I'm over him and he still ignores me. He told me straight foward that he and I were friends, that he would be there for me, now look, he ignores me. I wonder if I am taking this too far. He has his own life, right? Well, maybe if he took the time to talk to me and let me know what the hell was going on, I wouldn't be paranoid. I love the guy deary. He is my best friend. And as much as it hurts him to talk, it hurts more in silence.

To him:

Oh dear boy, I know it hurts but talking helps. I promise I am here for you. I promise that I care. I promise I'll be there when you have a tear. I promise I'll hold you to let you know, that I am here and won't let go. You are my friend and only that. But I still care and that is that.

~ I have recently decided that best friends are useless. They come and go as they please. None of my best friends have stayed my best friend for longer than 3 years. I'm beginning to think either A. Something is wrong with me or B. Something is wrong with them. I can't seem to decide.  I mean, I know I am annoying but they aren't so perfect themselves. I know people who are louder and crazier than I but I guess because I voice myself I get annoying. I'm sorry that I seem to be a self-destructive little bitch but you guys aren't that perfect. You all come to me with  your problems and I tell you what to do. Then you have no idea what to say when I come to you with mine. I'm sorry I complain to you about my problems but just because I know how to handle some things doesn't mean I know how to handle others. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry I can't make you happy. But when I need you the most.. why do you leave?

~Tonight I went through the process of DELABELING all my clothes. Meaning, I took all the labels off my clothes. If I do not have labels I cannot be labeled. No more TRIPP or GEMINI. I am a blank person walking around who can only be labeled based on actions. Labels are evil. Never label someone unless you would like to be labeled in return. People are not soup cans. Don't label them like they are.

~Dolly~

~Dear Alcohol,

I just love how you got my dad addicted to you.
How do you do it? I want .. nay.. need your secrets.
Cause some day I'd like to get
someone addicted to me.
But on the other hand, I dont wanna
cause pain, depression && fear
to my friends and family.
Like you make my father do.

Love always,
Boom

P.S.
I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE, ALCOHOL.

KThnxDie
[X3]

~With the help of Jessa, I have decided to write about why Disney princess movies are bad for your little girls. Think about it, you have a 5-year-old little girl watching these anatomically incorrect women ride off with men, also known as prince charmings, into the wild blue yonder. Reality is you aren't going to have a prince charming. Life doesn't work like a fairy tale. Fairy tales make you think that everything turns out okay and that you will grow up to be a perfect handsome or pretty young person, well, sorry not all of you turn out to be Mr. Prince Charming or Miss Snow White. I sure as hell haven't. I grew up thinking "Some day my prince will come," now I realize my prince may never come. I also grew up thinking I would be skinny and pretty like the cartoons in the shows. Well, I have the pretty part but the skinny part.. eh.. not so much. Plus, these girls didn't do anything to be perfect. They were kind of just perfect. Now don't get me wrong, a few princesses like Pocahontas *Sp* and Mulan worked for their perfection but the other girls were just little Paris Hiltons who deserve to fucking rot.  Don't let the television corrupt the little girls and boys of America. Don't let DISNEY corrupt your little children. Only you should have the ability to corrupt your own children. Hopefully in a good manner.

"No one can be perfect and to strive for such a state is impossible and mental suicide." ~Jessa

~Dolly and Jessa~

~I have way too overprotective parents. I can't have a webcam, I can't put pictures of myself online, I can't use a microphone (although I have one so fuck that), I can't go talk to people I don't know online (once again I do anyway. In fact that's how I met a few of my friends), I can't do a lot of shit. I think my parents need to chill. I doubt anyone wants to rape me or travel 1000 miles to rape me or kidnap me. I don't have any stalkers. I'm not that important to people. I'm just another internet voice that talks and talks about everything. I could say my entire biography on here and no one would give a rat's ass. I have no money to my name, so no one would want to steal my bank information. I have nothing. The worse they could steal would be my identity and I don't care much for it anyway so go ahead and take it. Parents, you need to learn to trust your children more. They aren't complete dumbasses. Okay some may be but most of your children are highly intelligent. Let them make their own decisions.

~Relationships are something else I have been thinking about. I like about 3 people right now. Only one of them lives in my town and he doesn't want to date me so whatever. He can fuck off. Another person I like lives 6.5 hours from me and also doesn't want to date me which I completely understand and if you knew the entire situation you would as well. The third person lives 18 hours away from me and in another country. I don't know his opinion on internet relationships so I can't exactly explain things about how that relationship is going. Now if I were to date one of them, I would completely forget about the other two because loyalty is a major thing in a relationship. Honesty, communication, cuddles and kisses, and love are the other most important aspects of a relationship.

I don't really see a point in marriage. Marriage is just there as a way to recieve legal benefits and religious satisfaction. It's an excuse to have a gigantic party that basically shouts, "I'm fucking my husband tonight!!!" I see no point in letting people know what is going on in my sex life. I could just go buy a ring, say I'm married, and be on my merry way. Speaking of the ring, how come women are the only ones who get an engagement ring? I think a relationship should be fair and both parties should recieve a premartial ring. But that's just me.

My opinion on sex in a relationship is don't. Plain and simple. It causes too much stress and too much frustration. Not to mention the consequences. You know, baby, stds, parents being pissed off, ruined reputation, etc.Yeah suggestion here: Don't do it until you can support yourself and a kid, until you can handle the emotional affects, etc. Sex does not prove you love someone. I learned that the hard way. Well, I didn't have sex but I got close. Anyway the point is, no sex until you can handle it. And being 15 or around that age you definately cannot handle it. Don't kid yourself. You are still a kid. Keep it in your pants until you graduate at the least. Geez.

~Dolly~

~How come we hear about horrible things in the news but not the good? We hear about dozens of suicide bombings a week but we never hear, "Soldier saves so-and-so." We never hear about any heros. We hear about child molestors, rapists, murders, the Iraq War, etc, and rarely anything good. This brings me to a conclusion. The media only reports on the bad because they like to keep us in the "Alarm State" (Alarm state is a fear state your body goes into to keep you safe). Our government loves to keep us in a state of fear. We are more vunerable when in a state of fear. We are more likely to do what they ask when we are scared and in a shaky state of mind then we are if we are in a good state of mind. That is exactly what they want. They want zombies. They want push-over people! Don't be a push-over. Research about what you hear. Look up everything you hear for the true facts. Don't just listen to one "station," look at them all. Be your own media.

I'd like to thank Cyprus for the inspiration for this article.

~ Why is it that medication causes more problems when it is supposed to help you? Let me explain. I've been sick for 5 weeks. I can barely keep anything down. We have discovered that the problem MAY be caused by my bipolar medication, Abilify (http://health.yahoo.com/drug/d04825a1;_ylt=AlZ7ryX5gt3YHEtzYN5E007xurcF#d04825a1-sideeffects). Now, isn't Abilify supposed to help me with my problems, not begin new ones? This reminds me of a time when my dad was in the hospital for pneumonia, which he had gotten because of medication. You see, my father has cluster headaches, which, if you don't know, are one of the most painful types headaches. At some point, they got so bad he had to go to the hospital. They had to try at least a dozen different medications, names unknown. Finally, they find the best combination and it gives him pneumonia. The medication that is SUPPOSED to help seems to hurt more. I would rather be psycho than be throwing up everything I take in. It is really annoying. Anyway, the point is, medication has side-effects and side-effects suck. 

~ I've been thinking about online dating. I have met many people online and have had my crushes on them, I have "dated" online, but I don't see the point. I mean, unless you plan to travel  to see them every once and awhile you are screwed out of a true relationship. As much as I hate to admit it, physical touching is needed in a relationship (by physical touching I didn't mean sex). I can't live without hugs and kisses daily. If I dated online someone would have to be comfortable with me hugging other people and such. I currently like someone who lives 6.5 hours away. I probably won't see him again and if I do it will be awhile. If he and I were to date it would be online and on the phone. And technically it's not dating. It's just labeling boyfriend and girlfriend. I would be perfectly fine with it, mainly because of the amount of feelings I have toward this certain someone. So in saying all that, in my opinion, online dating is fine as long as you have a few visits until you are able to move to one area or another and you make sure you have enough feelings for the person that you are sure that you can hold on to the relationship.

~Dolly~

~I think if you are going to ignore someone, you might want to have a good reason. My best friend doesn't realize I have GAIM and with GAIM it will tell you when someone closes a conversation. So every time I IM them, they close the conversation. I love the power of the internet. Actually, I don't. If I had continued to think "they're busy" rather than "they are ignoring me," things would have been better. Oh woe is me. No, I'm not serious. I'm blowing this way out of proportion. But honestly, if you want to ignore someone you should at least have a good reason. Then again, what if their reason is: She is very annoying. Hm. Looks like I am stuck in the middle.

~This is one of those times when I feel very alone. I feel like the entire world is against me. I'm 15, I'm supposed to be semi-happy. I mean these are the "best years of my life," right? Well, these "best years" haven't been so great. Since I was 12, my mom had cancer, her bestfriend died, my dog and hamster died, my dad got in 2 car wrecks, my sister has developed a breathing problem, I've been diagnosed with bipolar, and a bunch of other things. If these are the best years of my life, I wonder how bad the rest of my life will be. Maybe the "best years of my life" will change. I can't just sit and worry about what is coming. Focusing on the now is the best thing to do. Right now, I'm being ignored, I'm ill, I'm not allowed at school because of the illness, I have to go to the doctor, I'm lonely, I'm on a strict diet, I -- okay so focusing on NOW wasn't that good of an idea.

~One of the hardest things to watch is someone you love in pain, whether it is someone you love as a family member or someone you love as a significant other. Throughout my short life, I have had to watch my mother cry because she was in so much pain due to inflammatory breast cancer, watch her cry over her friend's death, my dad cry because of my mistakes, hear my friends cry because of something happening in their lives, watched the guy I love in pain and I still continue to, and what hurts the most about it all is that I know I can't do anything about it. I can never make them happy after things have happened. I wish I were a miracle worker so that I could make everyone's wildest/happiest dream come true but I can't. It tears me apart to watch them in pain. I love them. I want to see them smile. I don't want to see a tear drip down their cheeks into a pool of water on the table they are crying on.

 ~Dolly~