Mark and Tammy's Excellent Adventure
Hang on tight! Keep your arms inside the car and your feet firmly on the floor during the entire ride. You're in for a wild one!
In September 2008, we began the IVF process to bring home our little peanut. On October 18, 2008, we had our egg retrieval. We had 12 eggs retrieved. Two days later, we found out we had 4 babies but they weren't growing like they should. The next day, we found out our babies didn't make it. We will forever love our babies and wish we could have had more time with them on Earth. Below is a letter I wrote to them shortly after we found out they had made the trip to heaven. There are pictures at the bottom also. These are the only pictures we have of our babies.
To our babies,
The day we started our IVF, I looked forward to knowing you were inside my tummy and hoping and praying that in 9 months you would be born healthy and happy.
I'm sad it didn't turn out that way we had hoped but I'm happy you guys are in heaven and safely sitting on Jesus' lap.
I don't regret doing the IVF at all. Your daddy and I loved going to the ultrasounds and watching those follies grow. We knew we were watching our babies grow. Every shot, bruise and all the side effects were worth being able to see you guys.
I regret that I didn't get more pictures at the ultrasounds. If I would have known those were the only pictures I would have of you guys, I would have had them print out as many as they could every time we went in.
I also regret that I was never able to have that feeling of knowing you guys were in my tummy. I never had the feeling of "being pregnant until proven otherwise". I really wish I could have had that chance and I'm sad that I wasn't able to. In some ways I feel like I failed you as your mommy because I wasn't able to get to that final step where you would know you were so loved and where you could feel the warmth of love from my tummy and heart.
I wish I could have done more. I feel like a bad mommy because I wasn't there to protect you. I feel like I should have driven down to the lab on Saturday when there was still a little hope. As your mommy, I feel I should have been there. I know there was nothing I could do, but as your mommy, I wanted to protect you. I'm sorry I couldn't do more. I hope you know how many people were praying for you guys. We have so many friends and family who love us. There was so much love around you guys that day.
Please know that even though we only had you guys in our lives for a few days, for those few days, we had so much hope and love and we couldn't stop thinking about you guys. We wouldn't give that up for anything.
I know one day we'll see each other again. I know Jesus is holding you tight in His arms until Daddy and I see you again. I know you guys are in the best hands you can be, but I'm jealous that Jesus gets to hold you before I do.
I know Jesus has a plan and I know you guys know that, too. Jesus has probably already shared it with you. I know you don't understand why I'm so sad when Jesus has such great plans for me. I know it's hard to understand. As much as I know it'll all work out for the best, I miss you guys and I really wish I could just hold you-just once.
I'd do this all over again if we had another chance. I'd do it in a heartbeat and I'd do as many shots as I needed to. I would just make sure I would get more pictures at the ultrasounds and I would ask more questions to the nurse during it so I could see you guys longer--just in case those were the only times we would get to know you.
There isn't a day your daddy and I don't think about you guys. Our hearts ache and we have never felt this kind of pain. We know you don't want us to be sad and it's hard to understand why we can be so sad when you guys are so happy. We are just hurting knowing we can't see or feel you every day. I guess you can say you have a selfish mommy and daddy.
Please watch over us our dear angels. Show us the way to go next. Please give us the strength to be able to carry on. We miss you and love you more than you can ever know and we can't wait to see you guys and hold you in our arms.
With all my love forever,
Mommy
