Tucker's Tales

Why hello there everyone. Did you all have a good weekend? How about those Cats, and by Cats I mean the US Women's National Team? Highlight of the weekend. Hands down. Highlight of the summer. Hands down. Highlight of 2011? In the running, to be sure. 

Anyway, it's time for the 7th round of the Tucker's Tales Life Draft. 

With the 7th Pick in the 2011 Tucker's Tales Life Draft....

TEAM GEIL SELECTS...

HOPE SOLO.

In what I am not afraid to claim was the best-timed strategic maneuver of the life draft so far, I logged on to the blog last night and called "SHOTGUN" on Hope Solo for my team before we even officially announced it was time for Round 7. Ingenious. Dastardly, even. Allow me to bask for a second.

I may have been the only person in my social network- besides Layson- who didn't watch the USA/Brazil Game yesterday. I was at work, and casually kept up with the game's progress in between waiting on tables, not really expecting much. Then, I noticed more exclamation points on my Twitter Feed than if DeAndre Liggins had taken over the whole site (he's single!!!!! by the way!!!!) Apparently, the USA got a goal right off the bat through an unfortunate miskick by Daiane (who in addition to having an unpronounceable name, also had a pretty rough day yesterday, what with having her penalty kick blocked and all). I kept an eye on Twitter with more interest, the result being that I knew at the end of the game that the US had won despite an allegedly ludicrous call but without knowing any of the dramatics. I knew we won, that it was intense, and that Hope Solo's name was being thrown around a lot. Kewl. On to the next one. 

Cut to a few hours later. Layson has arrived at my house before going to see the Selena Gomez movie (gUrL dAtE!~!**) and we decide to watch the DVRed game, fast forwarding to the game-changing moments (luv technology). In short, we were riveted. Layson, who knows as much about soccer as my dogs, was asking questions and arguing calls. I was doing my signature "sudden fetal position" motion that I do whenever I'm watching an exciting sports game (fair warning to anyone who sits next to me). Through all the excitement and outrage, we agreed on one thing:

We had developed major girl crushes on Hope Solo.

I truly believe that Solo is the reason the USA won that game. You may say that it was Wambach because she scored, but the truth of the matter is, any player could have scored for the US in that final minute. Wambach's talent and timing got her in position, but it could have easily been another player. As goalkeeper, Solo has the most singular skill set on the field, and no one else can fully replace her. The whole team relies on her and her only to be the final obstacle between ball and goal, whereas the pressure to score, defend one on one, etc, is more distributed among field players. Any normal person would be shaking, at least a little, ESPECIALLY when it comes to penalty kicks.

Not Hope Solo. She just readjusts her elephantitis-stricken gloves, sits casually on the side of the penalty box, and awaits her turn. I personally imagined that she was playing a self-chosen theme song in her head. I want to know what that song is.

(I'm guessing this)

Now that I've raved long enough, let's get down to the basic strengths and weaknesses of my choice.

STRENGTHS

-Uh... she's a pretty good goalie.

-Intimidation factor (I think I would be terrified to look in her eyes on the soccer field)

-Confident, to the point of maybe being arrogant (Team Geil views this as a good thing)

-Boys want to date her. Girls want to be her. 

-Killer instinct. Fearless. To a goalie, penalty kicks are a complete nightmare, but Solo has the swagger to overcome that. 

-Appears patriotic (might love America as much as Layson and I do- and that's saying something)

-Remarkable sense of perseverance. Both in terms of her struggle to get along with soccer coaches, make the USA national team, overcoming horrible injuries, etc, and in her personal life- her parents were divorced and father was often homeless until his death in 2007. Around the same time as the controversial World Cup benching. Extra stress in her life around this time may have influenced her public outburst...

-...Which Team Geil still takes as a strength. We like her sass.

-Inspirational tweeter. In fact, her gloves also have a Twitter account (kind of hit or miss humor, though). To quote her real account: 

"Thank you for standing behind us. Never has a team come back to win from a man down, a goal down, and in such dramatic fashion. Last night I had a moment as I sat waiting for the penalties. I felt the energy of the stadium, I witnessed how far the game has risen, and I felt the spirit of our team as we fought together, unwilling to lose, our backs against the wall. Last night is a feeling you work your whole life for. To break free. To write your own destiny. And That's what WE, this 2011 USA team have set out to do, to write OUR OWN story. Go ahead, jump on the bandwagon and let's do this together. One Nation, One World, One Team."

WEAKNESSES

-Hard pressed to say, but the one thing that bothered us about her 2007 rant was that it reflected poorly on her teammates (although it is true that the next day she publicly stated that was not her intent). Team Geil thrives on a more cooperative, "let's all love each other" vibe. We believe Solo will relish the opportunity to join forces with us.

-Actually... we don't really like this picture of her. Gangsta pics are so out, Hope.

SIDEBAR: How precious is this picture?

Team Tucker- it might be time to start considering an alliance...

TEAM TUCKER SELECTS:

Abby Wambach

Let me start off by saying this: Kristen Geil's statement that "anyone could have scored that goal" is absolutely delusional. Like I might have to drag her into Eastern State Hospital with me when I go to work tomorrow. Geil is a smart gal, she really is...but that was ludacris (that's the only way I will/know how to spell that word). I'm a former goalkeeper and I know the importance and value of a goalkeeper to a team. They are often the unsung hero. But to say that anyone could have scored that goal?....Girl, you crazy.

Anyway, back to my pick....

My reasoning??? Oh.....just this

The incredible win yesterday was a total team effort in every sense of the word but the moment that will be remembered for all of time is this goal, by my 7th round pick, Abby Wambach. Solo's save was incredible. The penalty kicks were crucial. But the defining moment of the game and the player that literally kept the United States alive with a play that took incredible effort, skill and heart-- is Abby Wambach. 

I will admit that at first I was jealous, perhaps even angry at Team Geil for calling dibs on Solo. Then I realized that although she is a magnificent pick-- I'm taking Wambach and I'm feeling even better about it than I would have felt if I had snatched up Solo like I originally wanted.

STRENGTHS:

• Late game heroics
• Heart & Soul of the US Women's National Team
• Never say die attitude
• Really tall
• Kind of scary
• Can pull off a really ugly hair-do
• Could kick either Kristen or Brandon's ass (Sorry guys, but seriously...would you want to meet her in a dark alley?)
• Humble
• Scored the most memorable goal in US soccer history to keep her team alive
• Never was kicked off the US national team at any point (coughSorryHopeSolocough)

Well, forgive me for interrupting Lilith Fair/EstrogenFest '11, but with his 7th pick,

TEAM DAULTON SELECTS:

KIGE RAMSEY

Talk about patriotic, Kige ran for president in 2008.  He didn't win, but I don't recall seeing any campaign posters for Wombat or Han Solo.  

***NOTE: The above left picture came from a website called Wombat.net.  Just thought that was worth mentioning.

ALRIGHT EWE-TEWB VURES, Kige doesn't strike me as the brightest crayon in the box, but that's not why I picked him.  While Kige is definitely more "with it" than Jesco, his YouTube videos sometimes leave me thinking "He can't be serious" (he is).  But that said, his videos are golden.  They are informative (how to shoot a free throw, relationship advice, and how to solve acne - talk about diverse advice).  Time out for a minute - this one deserves special mention.  In case you don't watch it (which would be a tragedy) it's the one where Kige expresses deep concern for Nicole Ritchie because she has "anorexic."  That said, if you think you might have anorexic, go get tested. 

Also, Kige is a die hard UK fan, and a die hard Titans fan.  I think we can all learn something from his loyalty, because I have zero doubt that he will be a die hard Team Daulton fan.  Kige is just awesome, and while he may not be winning any quiz bowls any time soon, he has real world experience.  If there was any doubt whether it was "The Year of the Commoner", that doubt is gone now that Kige Ramsey has joined Team Daulton.

Before tonight, I thought Hope Solo was what they called songs performed at Haiti benfit concerts.  And I'd just never heard of this Wambach character, but either way it doesn't matter.  Kige is here, and so is YouTube Sports, Cooking, Consumers, Relationships, Medical, and so on.

STRENGTHS:

• This shirt is awesome, for starters:

•  Also, as evidenced by the above, I think he may be able to give Jesco a run for his money in the dancing department.

• Physical Fitness (below)

• Loyal to his teams (was still a fan after the Titans got beat by the patriots by 100 in the snow, and started 0-6 in 2009).

 

• Just.....this:

WEAKNESSES:

• Suspect intelligence
• Possibly delusional (I think he actually thinks he works for YouTube)
• Speaks a different dialect than most of my team

                     Round 5 was intense. In case you didn't know, Team Brandon took a personal attack upon Team Tucker. Team Tucker has thrown a few blows in that direction as well. It's all part of the game. But Team Brandon made a power move in Round 5. Although no one else in the entire world (other than my Mom) cares about Big Brother (which by the way starts tonight....watch it...I swear it's good), I do. And Brandon knows it. He knew that somewhere in my 10 picks I would target Big Brother All-Star Janelle. So what did he do? He snatched her up. Smart? Yes. Sneaky? Absolutely. Game changing? Oh hell yes. Will it go without punishment or retaliation though? I'll let you be the judge of that. Let's just put it this way Brandon....Round 7....watch your back. I'll let you live happy for another day but just prepare yourself. Drink lots of water and get plenty of sleep tonight, bitch.

                     Now that I have all of that off my chest, it's time for Round 6 in the Tucker's Tales Life Draft. The drama is starting to mount. I even have a curve ball for the competition in Round 8 that I will reveal (not even Brandon and Kristen know at this point about the plan) tomorrow. It's about to get real around here people. No one is safe!

              With the 6th Pick in the 2011 Tucker's Tales Life Draft....

TEAM TUCKER SELECTS:

                       KATE MIDDLETON

        "It's the year of the commoner."

         The day of the Royal Wedding, NBC's coverage team proclaimed proudly and absolutely that this was to be "the year of the commoner." As soon as I heard the news, I grabbed on with both hands and I intend to ride this theme out for the rest of the year. With the entire year of 2011 belonging to the commoner, I thought-- as a commoner myself, I need THE commoner of all commoners on my Life Team. Welcome aboard Kate Middleton. I hated to wait until Round 6 to scoop you up, seeing as you have been privy to a lot of waiting these days (We won't call you Waity Katie here on Team Tucker though). I apologize for that.

          Kate Middleton is a brilliant addition to Team Tucker. She represents all of the commoners of the world. And now, she has charmed her way into the Royal Family as well. In fact, I would go as far as to say that SHE is THE FACE of the Royal Family these days. No one picks up the tabloids to read about Camille, or Charles, or Baldy, or Ginger. No, no, no. They pick up the tabloids to read about Kate Middleton. She is way more recognizable and the female icon that I honestly think the entire world can relate to in some way. Honestly, can you think of a more relevant female icon right at this moment? Don't throw Beyonce' at me (Geil). Bull. She's old news. Don't throw Gaga at me (drag queens). She is a novelty. Don't throw Mia Hamm at me (little girls). She's a has-been. Kate Middleton is the "it" woman right now and you can't convince me otherwise. And oh yeah, she's now on MY Life Team. Eat your hearts out Team Brandon and Team Kristen. It's the year of the commoner and any commoner you select from here on out, won't hold a candle to mine.

             Team Brandon & Team Kristen...how many people (combined) watched the weddings of any of your team members? Yeah, that's what I thought.

            And now, a series of pictures that may or may not make any sense. Oh well, it's the year of the commoner. I do what I want.

                              STRENGTHS:

• Face looks good on people's 2 front teeth...and finger nails
• Timeless beauty
• She's a commoner and it's her year
• Could wear a garbage bag and people would call it fashion
• The Royal family has her back
• Richer than you or me
• Even if her house burns down, she will still have pictures and video footage of her wedding
• Patience

                             WEAKNESSES:

• Balding husband
• Husband's brother is way hotter
• Little sister steals her thunder
• Has to spend time with Camille and Charles...easily the 2 more boring looking humans alive
• Might die due to paparazzi chasing down her limo
• 11:59 p.m. December 31, 2011   Your year's over honey
• Subject of the worst Lifetime movie of all time, "William & Kate"
• Blood of a commoner (any year other than 2011)

As required by his job, Turtle Man is quite brave, even heroic. In the video above, he manages to save a camera man from almost certain death by snatching a snapper from his ankles just in the nick of time. He takes risks without thinking of the consequences- he's been bit 26 times to show for it (his front teeth, however, were knocked out by a chain saw- but that's another story).

           Happy you can go back to feeling indifferent about America again  day!!! It's the 6th of July and between the excitement of loving America like crazy on the 4th and the extreme controversy and passion of the Casey Anthony trial being revealed on the 5th...we all need to just take a step back and relax today. Unwind here with us on Tucker's Tales and check out the 5th round of the Tucker's Tales Life Draft. We are at the halfway point and after today's selections, we should all have a pretty good feel for how the teams stack up at this point.

With the #5 Pick in The 2011 Tucker's Tales Life Draft....

TEAM GEIL SELECTS...

Sydney Bristow of Alias.

As a direct reaction to Ally and Brandon's previous picks, I decided it was time for Team Geil to pick up some sort of enforcer. Layson, Beyonce, Dumbledore, and Jesus are great, but they are hardly rough around the edges. I needed someone with a license to kill who wasn't afraid to use it. Sydney Bristow is that person.

For those of you who didn't watch this early-2000s television series, let me give you a brief recap. Basically, Sydney Bristow was an English grad student who got recruited by SD-6, an organization billing itself as a special forces division of the CIA. After she tells her fiance and he's viciously murdered, her dad (a real life CIA agent) emerges to tell her that SD-6 is actually an enemy of the CIA with connections to other international crime organizations. Syd and her dad, Jack, step up to the plate as double agents, working with the CIA to destroy SD-6. Other subplots involve Sydney's mother, a spy for the KGB, the finding and seizing of artifacts created by Milo Rambaldi (a guy who was sort of a cross between da Vinci and Nostradamus), and Project Christmas, a CIA project headed by Jack Bristow to identify and train children as sleeper agents to become future spies (which Sydney took part in).

So to summarize, Sydney Bristow is a certified badass. She's a black belt in Krav Maga, the martial art used by special forces in Israel. She speaks 30 languages throughout the series. She continued to go on missions while she was pregnant.  Also, she bagged Michael Vaughan, who is still my top television crush ever (although Robert Downey Junior's character in Ally McBeal is making a run at the moment).

STRENGTHS

- Very intelligent

-Learned how to assemble a handgun at age 6

-Very physically fit

-An "in" with the CIA is never a bad thing

-Knows how to kill and is not afraid to enforce justice

-Strong emotionally (has endured the death of her fiance and one of her best friends, the realization that her other best friend was killed and an enemy spy underwent plastic surgery in order to get information on Sydney and Michael, the discovery that her mother was a KGB spy, and more- all without having a complete mental breakdown)

-Has a crazy big costume box

But sometimes, a simple pair of glasses is all that's necessary.

WEAKNESSES

-Probably has trust issues, seeing as how everyone she has ever loved has lied to her.

-Might get overly ambitious when it comes to creating alliances; additionally, may try to create alliances and secret organizations within Team Geil --> potentially divisive

-At one point in her career she was a brainwashed assassin for the enemy. This could backfire on Team Geil.

TEAM TUCKER SELECTS:

Jose' Baez (Casey Anthony's Lawyer)

             2 days ago this pick would have been a waste. Why would you want some random, fairly sleezy, fairly unexperienced, unattractive lawyer on your team? (No guys...I'm not talking about Brandon Daulton). Today though...I think he is probably the most underrated pick in this draft.

              Still...why Jose' Baez?

              For me, the choice is obvious. He can defend the indefensable. He convinced a jury NOT to convict Casey Anthony of murder, even though all signs pointed to her being extremely corrupt and more than likely guilty. With all of America against him and his client, pinning her as a shoe-in for the death penalty--he helped prove reasonable doubt and basically saved Casey Anthony's life. Do I agree with saving Casey Anthony's life? I don't know. I spare judgment on things of that nature that I know nothing about. But he saved her life. And this is a LIFE DRAFT. I'm sorry, but I want him defending me and my Life Team in case we get in a pinch. If he can get her off the chopping block, he can surely get anyone on my current Life Team off the chopping block. Good luck convicting us (even my teammate Jeffrey Dahmer) of anything.

               n the words of Jay-Z's classic hit, " H to the Izzo,"..... "Not guilty, ya'll got to feel me..."

               STRENGTHS:

• Beats the odds
• Clearly doesn't judge anyone/will defend anyone
• Passionate speeches
• Good visual aids
• Was recently named Mr. July in the "Reasonable Doubt" pin-up calendar

                WEAKNESSES:

• Moral Compass
• America hates him
• Greasy hair
• Could use a half hour a day on the stair-stepper

(Me: "Yes")------->

Why hello there loyal readers and friends. What would Independence day be without a little Tucker's Tales Life Draft action? Why it would be nothing at all...... so in honor of America (not Amurrica, Murka, Merica, or any other ridiculous defamation of the word....jackasses), we trudge forward into ROUND 4 of the Tucker's Tales Life Draft.

With the #4 Pick in the 2011 Tucker's Tales Life Draft...

TEAM GEIL SELECTS...

Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

Team Geil's rationale: Go big or go home, right? Jesus is widely recognized as one of the most influential people to ever live. Most theologians today agree that he was a teacher and a healer- beyond that, opinions tend to differ a little. Christians believe he was the Messiah and the Son of God. Jews believe he was just a really popular teacher. Muslims believe he was just around to tell people Muhammad was coming. Dan Brown revealed in The Da Vinci Code that Jesus actually was married and had a kid! Awesome. 

STRENGTHS

-Can walk on water (no need to buy him a ticket on our victory cruise, he can just stroll alongside)

-Good carpenter

-Healer 

-Has an "in" with God

-May be able to determine who goes to Heaven and who goes to Hell

-Able to provide food for many people. Team Geil will never go hungry.

-Good morals

-Exorcist

-Power to bring people back to life

WEAKNESSES

-Schism may occur if I happen to choose any non-Christians in following rounds

-Questionable friends (prostitutes, thieves, lepers) could hurt Team Geil's rep

-Impending Rapture could put a damper on team morale

-May play the martyr too much (too far?)

TEAM TUCKER SELECTS:

Jeffrey Dahmer

Okay, okay...before you go all "Judge Judy" on me and question the morality of my pick, remember that this is not a "Who can pick the best group of genuinely good people" (coughKristencoughJesuscoughReally???cough) I picked Jeffrey Dahmer, one of America's most famous serial killers for intimidation purposes. You can't even begin to tell me that any of the team members on Team Kristen or Team Brandon will come within 10 feet of this guy. Even Parviz, my 3rd round pick,  will probably give him his space. 

Here's the thing about Dahmer....you may not necessarily want him on your team...but you'd much rather have him on your team than against you...

"If you can't beat em'....eat em'....join em'..."

Dahmer is well known for not only being a serial killer (targeting young men and women) but for his appetite (too far?) for cannibalism. So Brandon and Kristen, not only might he kill your team...but he might enjoy you as a afternoon snack as well. 

Hey Kristen, you said that thanks to your Jesus pick your team will never go hungry. Well, check-mate darling......I got Jeffrey Dahmer. Neither will mine. 

STRENGTHS:

• Healthy appetite?

TEAM DAULTON SELECTS

The Bomb Bird, of 'Angry Birds' fame.

There isn't much he can't do.  He wreaks havoc on any obstacle in his way.  When you're playing Angry Birds, you're glad to see he's on deck, and in your real life, you wish he would magically appear for you to slingshot at some people.  So good for Dahmer for having a great appetite, whatever whatever, but good luck in 2 things: a) killing the bomb bird before he kills you, and b) if you did happen to strike first, enjoy a tasty bomb as your sick little treat. Not to mention, except for maybe Jesus, no one on any team really stands a chance against Bomb Bird. There isn't much more to say about this pick.  It may surprise some people, but if you think it through, this pick is the bomb. (sorry.)

STRENGTHS

• Reputation for destruction
• No feelings, no conscience
• Can be mobilized by other team members
• Re-spawns for each new challenge
• Doesn't require food or deplete other resources

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ocIWkmGrzc

LIFE DRAFT TIME!

It is now time for all 3 teams to make their 2nd round selections. We've all heard a variety of feedback on our 1st round picks, with many people picking sides early. As with any draft, the draft is not won in the early rounds but is the sum of all of the parts. We all look forward to strengthening and deepening our teams today. 

With the #2 Pick in the 2011 Tucker's Tales Life Draft...

TEAM KRISTEN SELECTS:

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, of Harry Potter fame, is a strong choice for Team Kristen. His magical abilities combined with wisdom and strong moral compass make him the perfect ally. He is the only wizard that Lord Voldemort was ever afraid of, and he dedicated himself- his life, even-  to fighting evil. As the best wizard dueler in history, there is no doubt he could easily take down Team Tucker or Team Daulton. Besides his wizarding skills, he is a veritable genius with a wicked sense of humor to match (when it comes time for him to "say a few words" at Hogwarts' opening dinner, he chooses only to say, "nitwit! blubber! oddment! tweak!").

STRENGTHS

-Best wizard EVER

-Wise beyond his 116 years

-Willing to mentor young adults (could help tame Kristen and Layson)

-Appeals to the homosexual demographic (Dumbledore's gay)

-Has had a rough childhood/young adulthood, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

-Strong sense of ethics

-Good strategizer (former leader of the Order of the Phoenix, the wizarding secret society responsible for fighting Lord Voldemore and the Death Eaters)

WEAKNESSES

-May be a little too emotional at times

-Once fell prey to the temptation of power over Muggles and wizards through Dark Arts (it was because he had a crush on the wizard talking to him about it though)

-Has a notorious sweet tooth (may compromise health)

TEAM TUCKER SELECTS:

Lori & Dori Reba Schappell

I know what you're thinking...actually, chances are you are thinking a lot of things right now--one of which is probably: Who are Lori & Dori Reba Schappell?

Well, I'm here to educate you. Born Lori & Dori Schappel (oh, and also born conjoined at the head, no big deal), the two are one of the rarest forms of conjoined twins--conjoined at the head. This type of conjoined twin accounts for only 2% of the conjoined twin population. Born in 1961, they spent most of their childhood until the age of 24 in a home for people living with severe disabilities. But rest assured--can't nobody take their pride. Can't nobody hold them down. Oh no, they got to keep on movin'.... And moving they did. Apparently the two detested their parents for giving them rhyming names ("c'mon Ma, c'mon Pop...we're already joined at the head...don't set us up for even more failure by giving us rhyming names"). 

Dori, ever the independent (minus the whole attached at the head to your sister thing), decided to legally change her name to Reba. Why Reba? Why of course, after Reba McEntire, her hero. 

Speaking of country music, Dori Reba has not let her attached sister hold back her dreams. She has made a career for herself as a country singer. In fact, she won the L.A. Music Award for Best New Country Artist in 1997. I've gotta be honest...after hearing Reba perform, I have some interesting thoughts about the year in music in 1997. If you watch from the 2:30 point on, you can see Reba perform her hit "Fear Of Being Alone." Slightly ironic song title. 

Lori, on the other hand, works part-time at a hospital and frequently takes time off work to join Reba on the road for concerts (like she has a choice?). 

The two have beat the odds and found a way to make worthwhile lives for themselves. Lori is mobile and able to walk around, whereas Dori Reba is much smaller and unable to walk. She tags along with Lori on a small rolling chair. 

Team Tucker's Reasoning:

I've always been a big fan of 2 for 1 specials. Lori & Dori Reba were the obvious, logical choice for ourteam in this situation. The two are a brilliant story of resilliance and further prove the point that absolutely anyone can be a country music star. Also, one of my sister's friends wrote a musical about the conjoined pair for a Creative Writing Course in college. The musical involved one twin committing a murder while the other was asleep (assuming it was Reba, though I can't be sure). The rest of the musical entails a huge debate as to whether you can convict one and sentence them both to a life in prison (or the death penalty) due to their attachment, when one is clearly innocent. Imagine the possibilities. I wanted to give a little free publicity for the musical. You're welcome, Sara. 

STRENGTHS:

• 2 for the price of 1
• Always stick by each other's side...
• Potentially immune to a life sentence in prison (decision pending on how the musical ends)
• Might be able to woo Reba McEntire to be a fan of Team Tucker
• How many people can say that they make up 2% of an entire population?
• You never have to worry about them breaking the "travel in pairs" rule
• Willing to share....(including 30% of their brain with each other)

Lori & Dori Reba George could not be reached for comment due to a rigorous concert schedule. 

TEAM DAULTON SELECTS:

Ron Swanson.

...of Parks and Recreation Fame.  He's one of the best characters on TV, bar none.  (I literally have no idea what bar none actually means, but I think it's appropriate here).  Ron Swanson has a stoic, stone-cold exterior.  And interior too, for that matter.  Team Daulton needs that right now.  Stevie Wonder, as awesome as he is, comes off a bit soft.  He makes people happy.  Well, the plan is for Stevie to make people complacent then BAM.  Ron Swanson in your face.  

This quote sums up the killer instinct we need:

“On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.”  Ron Swanson is the enforcer.  He also is no stranger to hard work, another quality that will pay major dividends for my team:

“I got my first job when I was 9. Worked at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks, I was running the floor. Child labor laws are ruining this country.”  Plus, Ron has a no nonsense attitude that will allow for maximum productivity.  When the singin' and dancin' (Stevie) are done, there will be no extracurricular activity, just victory.  By force if necessary.

"I don't like loud noises and people making a fuss... Plus the whole thing is a scam. Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards."

To sum up why Ron Swanson is an obvious pick in my 2nd spot, one need only glance at the "Pyramid of Greatness."

Strengths

• Mustache (that thing is full, thick and square - see bottom row, 3rd from left).  "If you have to sculpt it, that probably means you can't grow it."
• Frankness - "Cut the B.S."
• Ability to live off the land
• Common sense - "Give 100%. 110% is impossible, only idiots recommend that"
• Durability - "Torso should be thick and impenatrable"
• Patriotism - See 2nd row from top on left.
• Defense - See "B.O." line 7 from the top, in the middle
• Kick ass attitude
• Mustache. (seriously)

After about five seconds of careful consideration after Ally pitched the Life Draft idea for me, I knew who my first pick would be. It should come as no surprise to anyone who has interacted with me this past year, whether in person or via social media. As my first pick in the 2011 Life Draft, I chose Layson Griffin. 

Together, Layson and I have already achieved more than the average human being- an Amazing Race audition, donating Paris Hilton to the Tin Roof, matching hair wraps, being featured on the Travel Channel riding mechanical bulls, and an undying friendship with Lexington trolley drivers- and we haven't even scratched the surface of our capabilities. We've even had our theme song chosen for months (a mash up of Will Smith's "Just the Two of Us" and Willow Smith's "Whip My Hair). 

Layson's skill set can best be described as a combination of Martha Stewart and Shakira. She legitimately saved my Life once, thus making her a no-brainer for my Life team. We have rightfully been named a Power Couple, a title we accept with honor. I pity the fools who face us in Life.

STRENGTHS:

• A combination of Martha Stewart & Shakira
• Has saved my life before
• Stripper Potential
• Hair Whipping
• Riding Horses
• Arts & Crafts
• Twitter

Team Daulton Selects:

 Stevie Wonder.

 He made those sunglasses cool before they became cool again like a year ago. And he appears to be able to make part of the right lens disappear at will... Is it "MAGIC"? (That's one of his songs, if you didn't know).

Reasoning: Truthfully, I don't feel like any reasoning or justification is really necessary for my Stevie Wonder pick. When it comes right down to it, this was one pick I was sure I was going to be making, and I saw no better time than round 1 to take him. Helen Keller? Who is that? Stevie Wonder is BY FAR the best, most talented, most accomplished, most culturally significant blind person EVER. And he's obviously generally better than most sighted people as well - seriously, just think how much of a disadvantage blind folks have at most everything, let alone playing the piano (and sometimes harmonica simultaneously). And he doesn't just play the piano, he plaaaaaays the piano. The guy has over 30 #1 hits, and 22 Grammys. But I promise that's all I'll say about his tangible accomplishments. I'd much rather talk about his general awesomeness. There are very few musicians you could argue are even in the same conversation as best of all time, who wouldn't cause me to immediately punch you in the face. He can make you dance, smile, cry, want to start a political uprising (seriously, I've seen him twice live, and he goes on like 5 minute-long political rants, some of which is over the top. I'm not really into politics, but I don't even care, it's awesome when he does it), and he also makes you wish you had 10% of the talent that man has. He transcends generations. He makes the world better.

In all seriousness, he has what most would consider a disability, and doesn't view it that way at all, which is refreshing when a lot of people, including myself, complain about things not worthy of complaining about. If you don't know much of his music, I suggest getting on it. Even the old stuff. Music this good knows no time constraints.

I had a stray dog which I took in as mine for like 2 months last summer. I named him Stevie Wonder. But he died. Just kidding, I found him a good home. But he was a lot like the real Stevie. He was black, he got up on his hind legs and tilted his head back with his nose in the air a lot, and I "Wondered" where he came from. I would imagine that the real Stevie didn't poop on the floor nearly as much though.

Strengths: 

• Singing
• Piano
• A way better forehead than Alex Tyus
• I think would like to see him and Layson (above) in a hair-whipping showdown.
• Opinionated
• Proven "winner"

Weaknesses:

• The only real negative I see to selecting Stevie first, is that, well he's blind. So any athletic activity involving a ball of any kind, he may not be the best contributor. But I'm not worried about that. He can be the coach, and I will likely do whatever he says.
• Also, his dramatic weight fluctuations may become problematic

Bottom Line: 

• Anyone that can have a picture of himself holding what appears to be a porcelain mask of some sort as an album cover (see above), and make it look 100% awesome, is worthy of my #1 draft pick in the Life Draft.

 Stevie Wonder on being selected in Round 1: 

• "Well, I wasn't able to watch the draft on TV, but Brandon phoned me to tell me the good news.  I couldn't be happier. For once in my life, I have someone who needs me.  I told him, 'Don't you worry 'bout a thang, you will not regret this decision'."

 While we're on blind people, this video is double your viewing pleasure.

Oh hey guys....long time no see...

              Okay, maybe not THAT long of a "long time no see." See, when you put it into perspective, it really hasn't been so long. I apologize again for a brief streak of very little blogger activity. Kristen was climbing mountains and Tweeting in her head in Peru and I have once again been bitten by the Insight internet connection bug. Seriously....I am calling them today, and if you read the last blog entry about Insight, you can only imagine how that conversation is going to go. If 2 or more Insight employees aren't left in tears or peeing in their pants--I have not succeeded. Oh, and Brandon--remember that guy? He has just been MIA...I can't give you a reason. Maybe he's studying for something for law school. Kinda doubt it though.

***EDITOR'S NOTE*** re: Brandon's whereabouts: BAR EXAM HELL. But if I fail because of the life draft, I won't even be mad.

             Anyway, we are back and we have something big coming up for you guys....

              In the days following the NBA draft, we've decided it's time we have our own little draft here on Tucker's Tales. We are going all "Lil Wayne" here and colloborating on this series of blog entries as well. What does that mean? That means that literally all 3 of us will be contributing each time you see a blog post about the.....drumroll please...

2011 LIFE DRAFT....

                    No, I did not say Life Raft. How much could we really come up with to write about a Life Raft? I'm hoping either Brandon or Kristen sees that as a challenge and actually tries to do so. Back to the topic at hand, the LIFE DRAFT. If you liked the NBA draft, or even if you don't and you just like silly things-- you will enjoy this Tucker's Tales Life Draft. Let's call a cat a cat, this year's NBA draft was awful. Other than Jorts and Liggins being drafted-- the entire thing was boring and the talent was watered down. We feel like all of you all were cheated out of a good draft.

                    We're here to save you! (And not with a Life Raft, with a Life Draft....get the point yet?)

Logistics:

                       -The Life Draft will take place over the course of 10 days.

                       - Every day we will have 1 blog entry devoted to the Life Draft, which will be posted around 10 p.m.

                       - Each day each one of us (Ally, Kristen, Brandon) will be using ONE PICK to join our "Life Team"

                       - What is a Life Team? A hypothetical team of people we would pick for our life....If that doesn't make sense to you, that's okay....it doesn't really have to. Just know that it will be silly and hopefully, if we do our jobs, really funny.

                         - Each pick must be a person, or character. The person/character can be famous/someone we actually know/celebrity/athlete/dead/alive.... as long as it's a person.

                         - We can't pick the same person. Once my pick is in, it's mine. And so on and so forth...

                         - When all 30 people have been selected, 10 a piece for each of us, we will have a culminating competition of some sort...TBA

                          - Feel free to use the comment section for suggestions, commentary, heckling, etc.

                 Will you be Team Kristen? Team Ally? Team Brandon?

                            Only time will tell...... Let the games begin!