Tucker's Tales

Blog

LIFE DRAFT ROUND 7

Posted by Kristen Geil on July 8, 2011 at 4:15 PM Comments comments (5)


Why hello there everyone. Did you all have a good weekend? How about those Cats, and by Cats I mean the US Women's National Team? Highlight of the weekend. Hands down. Highlight of the summer. Hands down. Highlight of 2011? In the running, to be sure. 

Anyway, it's time for the 7th round of the Tucker's Tales Life Draft. 



With the 7th Pick in the 2011 Tucker's Tales Life Draft....


TEAM GEIL SELECTS...




HOPE SOLO.


In what I am not afraid to claim was the best-timed strategic maneuver of the life draft so far, I logged on to the blog last night and called "SHOTGUN" on Hope Solo for my team before we even officially announced it was time for Round 7. Ingenious. Dastardly, even. Allow me to bask for a second.


I may have been the only person in my social network- besides Layson- who didn't watch the USA/Brazil Game yesterday. I was at work, and casually kept up with the game's progress in between waiting on tables, not really expecting much. Then, I noticed more exclamation points on my Twitter Feed than if DeAndre Liggins had taken over the whole site (he's single!!!!! by the way!!!!) Apparently, the USA got a goal right off the bat through an unfortunate miskick by Daiane (who in addition to having an unpronounceable name, also had a pretty rough day yesterday, what with having her penalty kick blocked and all). I kept an eye on Twitter with more interest, the result being that I knew at the end of the game that the US had won despite an allegedly ludicrous call but without knowing any of the dramatics. I knew we won, that it was intense, and that Hope Solo's name was being thrown around a lot. Kewl. On to the next one. 


Cut to a few hours later. Layson has arrived at my house before going to see the Selena Gomez movie (gUrL dAtE!~!**) and we decide to watch the DVRed game, fast forwarding to the game-changing moments (luv technology). In short, we were riveted. Layson, who knows as much about soccer as my dogs, was asking questions and arguing calls. I was doing my signature "sudden fetal position" motion that I do whenever I'm watching an exciting sports game (fair warning to anyone who sits next to me). Through all the excitement and outrage, we agreed on one thing:


We had developed major girl crushes on Hope Solo.




I truly believe that Solo is the reason the USA won that game. You may say that it was Wambach because she scored, but the truth of the matter is, any player could have scored for the US in that final minute. Wambach's talent and timing got her in position, but it could have easily been another player. As goalkeeper, Solo has the most singular skill set on the field, and no one else can fully replace her. The whole team relies on her and her only to be the final obstacle between ball and goal, whereas the pressure to score, defend one on one, etc, is more distributed among field players. Any normal person would be shaking, at least a little, ESPECIALLY when it comes to penalty kicks.


Not Hope Solo. She just readjusts her elephantitis-stricken gloves, sits casually on the side of the penalty box, and awaits her turn. I personally imagined that she was playing a self-chosen theme song in her head. I want to know what that song is.


(I'm guessing this)


Now that I've raved long enough, let's get down to the basic strengths and weaknesses of my choice.


STRENGTHS

-Uh... she's a pretty good goalie.

-Intimidation factor (I think I would be terrified to look in her eyes on the soccer field)

-Confident, to the point of maybe being arrogant (Team Geil views this as a good thing)

-Boys want to date her. Girls want to be her. 

-Killer instinct. Fearless. To a goalie, penalty kicks are a complete nightmare, but Solo has the swagger to overcome that. 

-Appears patriotic (might love America as much as Layson and I do- and that's saying something)


-Remarkable sense of perseverance. Both in terms of her struggle to get along with soccer coaches, make the USA national team, overcoming horrible injuries, etc, and in her personal life- her parents were divorced and father was often homeless until his death in 2007. Around the same time as the controversial World Cup benching. Extra stress in her life around this time may have influenced her public outburst...

-...Which Team Geil still takes as a strength. We like her sass.

-Inspirational tweeter. In fact, her gloves also have a Twitter account (kind of hit or miss humor, though). To quote her real account: 


"Thank you for standing behind us. Never has a team come back to win from a man down, a goal down, and in such dramatic fashion. Last night I had a moment as I sat waiting for the penalties. I felt the energy of the stadium, I witnessed how far the game has risen, and I felt the spirit of our team as we fought together, unwilling to lose, our backs against the wall. Last night is a feeling you work your whole life for. To break free. To write your own destiny. And That's what WE, this 2011 USA team have set out to do, to write OUR OWN story. Go ahead, jump on the bandwagon and let's do this together. One Nation, One World, One Team."


WEAKNESSES

-Hard pressed to say, but the one thing that bothered us about her 2007 rant was that it reflected poorly on her teammates (although it is true that the next day she publicly stated that was not her intent). Team Geil thrives on a more cooperative, "let's all love each other" vibe. We believe Solo will relish the opportunity to join forces with us.

-Actually... we don't really like this picture of her. Gangsta pics are so out, Hope.




SIDEBAR: How precious is this picture?

Team Tucker- it might be time to start considering an alliance...





TEAM TUCKER SELECTS:




Abby Wambach


Let me start off by saying this: Kristen Geil's statement that "anyone could have scored that goal" is absolutely delusional. Like I might have to drag her into Eastern State Hospital with me when I go to work tomorrow. Geil is a smart gal, she really is...but that was ludacris (that's the only way I will/know how to spell that word). I'm a former goalkeeper and I know the importance and value of a goalkeeper to a team. They are often the unsung hero. But to say that anyone could have scored that goal?....Girl, you crazy.


Anyway, back to my pick....

My reasoning??? Oh.....just this


You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.


The incredible win yesterday was a total team effort in every sense of the word but the moment that will be remembered for all of time is this goal, by my 7th round pick, Abby Wambach. Solo's save was incredible. The penalty kicks were crucial. But the defining moment of the game and the player that literally kept the United States alive with a play that took incredible effort, skill and heart-- is Abby Wambach. 

I will admit that at first I was jealous, perhaps even angry at Team Geil for calling dibs on Solo. Then I realized that although she is a magnificent pick-- I'm taking Wambach and I'm feeling even better about it than I would have felt if I had snatched up Solo like I originally wanted.


STRENGTHS:

 

  • Late game heroics
  • Heart & Soul of the US Women's National Team
  • Never say die attitude
  • Really tall
  • Kind of scary
  • Can pull off a really ugly hair-do
  • Could kick either Kristen or Brandon's ass (Sorry guys, but seriously...would you want to meet her in a dark alley?)
  • Humble
  • Scored the most memorable goal in US soccer history to keep her team alive
  • Never was kicked off the US national team at any point (coughSorryHopeSolocough)

WEAKNESSES:

  • Sore achilles tendon
  • Poor choice in hair style
  • Her name could be misconstrued as German....that harsh "Ach" on the end of it, ya know

 

 


This is a precious picture. I agree Geil. Alliance? Count me in. Clearly it is what Abby & Hope would want.............. good luck Team Daulton. 

Oh and what about this for our theme song Team Geil?

You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.


 


Well, forgive me for interrupting Lilith Fair/EstrogenFest '11, but with his 7th pick,


TEAM DAULTON SELECTS:


KIGE RAMSEY


Talk about patriotic, Kige ran for president in 2008.  He didn't win, but I don't recall seeing any campaign posters for Wombat or Han Solo.  

***NOTE: The above left picture came from a website called Wombat.net.  Just thought that was worth mentioning.

ALRIGHT EWE-TEWB VURES, Kige doesn't strike me as the brightest crayon in the box, but that's not why I picked him.  While Kige is definitely more "with it" than Jesco, his YouTube videos sometimes leave me thinking "He can't be serious" (he is).  But that said, his videos are golden.  They are informative (how to shoot a free throw, relationship advice, and how to solve acne - talk about diverse advice).  Time out for a minute - this one deserves special mention.  In case you don't watch it (which would be a tragedy) it's the one where Kige expresses deep concern for Nicole Ritchie because she has "anorexic."  That said, if you think you might have anorexic, go get tested. 

 

You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.



Also, Kige is a die hard UK fan, and a die hard Titans fan.  I think we can all learn something from his loyalty, because I have zero doubt that he will be a die hard Team Daulton fan.  Kige is just awesome, and while he may not be winning any quiz bowls any time soon, he has real world experience.  If there was any doubt whether it was "The Year of the Commoner", that doubt is gone now that Kige Ramsey has joined Team Daulton.


Before tonight, I thought Hope Solo was what they called songs performed at Haiti benfit concerts.  And I'd just never heard of this Wambach character, but either way it doesn't matter.  Kige is here, and so is YouTube Sports, Cooking, Consumers, Relationships, Medical, and so on.


STRENGTHS:

 

  • This shirt is awesome, for starters:

 

  •  Also, as evidenced by the above, I think he may be able to give Jesco a run for his money in the dancing department.

 


 

  • Physical Fitness (below)

 


  • Loyal to his teams (was still a fan after the Titans got beat by the patriots by 100 in the snow, and started 0-6 in 2009).


  • Festive
  • No one on the corner got swagga' like Kige (dude got serious game):
  • General wisdom on a wide range of topics.


  • Economical (He recommends buying composition books instead of traditional notebooks).
 
  • Just.....this:

WEAKNESSES:

 

  • Suspect intelligence
  • Possibly delusional (I think he actually thinks he works for YouTube)
  • Speaks a different dialect than most of my team
Clearly, not many weaknesses.  

THIS IS TEAM DAULTON, FOR YOUTUBE KICKING ASS


 

LIFE DRAFT ROUND 6

Posted by Ally Tucker on July 7, 2011 at 3:45 PM Comments comments (2)

 

                      

                     Round 5 was intense. In case you didn't know, Team Brandon took a personal attack upon Team Tucker. Team Tucker has thrown a few blows in that direction as well. It's all part of the game. But Team Brandon made a power move in Round 5. Although no one else in the entire world (other than my Mom) cares about Big Brother (which by the way starts tonight....watch it...I swear it's good), I do. And Brandon knows it. He knew that somewhere in my 10 picks I would target Big Brother All-Star Janelle. So what did he do? He snatched her up. Smart? Yes. Sneaky? Absolutely. Game changing? Oh hell yes. Will it go without punishment or retaliation though? I'll let you be the judge of that. Let's just put it this way Brandon....Round 7....watch your back. I'll let you live happy for another day but just prepare yourself. Drink lots of water and get plenty of sleep tonight, bitch.

                     Now that I have all of that off my chest, it's time for Round 6 in the Tucker's Tales Life Draft. The drama is starting to mount. I even have a curve ball for the competition in Round 8 that I will reveal (not even Brandon and Kristen know at this point about the plan) tomorrow. It's about to get real around here people. No one is safe!

 

 

              With the 6th Pick in the 2011 Tucker's Tales Life Draft....

TEAM TUCKER SELECTS:

 

 

 

                       KATE MIDDLETON

        "It's the year of the commoner."

         The day of the Royal Wedding, NBC's coverage team proclaimed proudly and absolutely that this was to be "the year of the commoner." As soon as I heard the news, I grabbed on with both hands and I intend to ride this theme out for the rest of the year. With the entire year of 2011 belonging to the commoner, I thought-- as a commoner myself, I need THE commoner of all commoners on my Life Team. Welcome aboard Kate Middleton. I hated to wait until Round 6 to scoop you up, seeing as you have been privy to a lot of waiting these days (We won't call you Waity Katie here on Team Tucker though). I apologize for that.

          Kate Middleton is a brilliant addition to Team Tucker. She represents all of the commoners of the world. And now, she has charmed her way into the Royal Family as well. In fact, I would go as far as to say that SHE is THE FACE of the Royal Family these days. No one picks up the tabloids to read about Camille, or Charles, or Baldy, or Ginger. No, no, no. They pick up the tabloids to read about Kate Middleton. She is way more recognizable and the female icon that I honestly think the entire world can relate to in some way. Honestly, can you think of a more relevant female icon right at this moment? Don't throw Beyonce' at me (Geil). Bull. She's old news. Don't throw Gaga at me (drag queens). She is a novelty. Don't throw Mia Hamm at me (little girls). She's a has-been. Kate Middleton is the "it" woman right now and you can't convince me otherwise. And oh yeah, she's now on MY Life Team. Eat your hearts out Team Brandon and Team Kristen. It's the year of the commoner and any commoner you select from here on out, won't hold a candle to mine.

             Team Brandon & Team Kristen...how many people (combined) watched the weddings of any of your team members? Yeah, that's what I thought.

            And now, a series of pictures that may or may not make any sense. Oh well, it's the year of the commoner. I do what I want.

          

                          

 

                              STRENGTHS:

  • Face looks good on people's 2 front teeth...and finger nails
  • Timeless beauty
  • She's a commoner and it's her year
  • Could wear a garbage bag and people would call it fashion
  • The Royal family has her back
  • Richer than you or me
  • Even if her house burns down, she will still have pictures and video footage of her wedding
  • Patience

                             WEAKNESSES:

  • Balding husband
  • Husband's brother is way hotter
  • Little sister steals her thunder
  • Has to spend time with Camille and Charles...easily the 2 more boring looking humans alive
  • Might die due to paparazzi chasing down her limo
  • 11:59 p.m. December 31, 2011   Your year's over honey
  • Subject of the worst Lifetime movie of all time, "William & Kate"
  • Blood of a commoner (any year other than 2011)

TEAM DAULTON SELECTS:

JESCO WHITE, Dancin' Outlaw

I really, really, really, hope you know who this is, because I honestly can't really explain him.  Jesco is known for being a "mountain dancer" and entertainer, and a member of the infamous White family of West Virginia.  He has been featured in several movies, most notably "Jesco White: Dancin' Outlaw" and "The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia." Jesco also has several personalities, so in essence, while Team Tucker thought they pulled a fast one picking the conjoined twins (a pick I thought was a reach, by the way), I am getting 3 for the price of one with Jesco. There's Jesco: the violent and dangerous one (or as his late wife Norma Jean calls him, "the Devil in hisself). Jesse: the gentle and loving one. And Elvis - the strange one who really does belt out Elvis tunes.  These three combine to make one big bundle of joy that is Jesco.  But Jesco is only the beginning. His family is BAT S#&% CRAZY.  Drugs (A LOT of drugs. At one point one of Jesco's cousins shakes a pill bottle and says it is the West Virginia mating call), domestic violence, I'm pretty sure even murder.  The Whites offer it all.  And let me tell you, this is one bunch that I want WITH me, and NOT AGAINST me.  


Above, Jesco with his cousin Sue Bob. She's a real firecracker.

But Jesco's dancin' always steals the show - dancin' which appears to be done on a piece of plywood about the size of a car.  Skilled in tap, clogging, and "mountain dancing" (probably sort of similar to the Krump), I'm pretty sure that Jesco would win So You Think You Can Dance, going away.  He's truly the triple threat. Dancing, Singing, Acting.  Drugs.  Or you could take it the other way, as a reference to his personalities.  He has a lot to offer, and I'll leave it at that.

STRENGTHS
  • Dancing
  • Singing
  • Drugs
  • 3 for the price of one
  • Competitive (I think he does Mountain Dance competitions in the legacy of his father)
  • Army of crazy people got yo' back
  • ..."well rounded"?
  • I'm sure he would dedicate his efforts to his late wife Norma Jean. (RIP)
  • Strong religious convictions

WEAKNESSES
  • Confusion - that's a lot to keep up with
  • Volatility
  • Risk of injury to anyone who may serve him "sloppy slimy eggs"
  • Concern about his ability to "stay on task" because he tends to bust out in dance and/or song
  • No guarantee he won't be locked up for drugs...or something else
When asked how he felt about being drafted, the long-haired guy appeared from thin air and Jesco jumped on the picnic table and did this:




TEAM GEIL SELECTS:


Turtle Man.

AKA Ernie Brown Jr.


I have to admit, I logged into this blog with no idea of who I was going to pick. But then I saw Brandon's pick, and for some reason, "TURTLE MAN!" struck my brain like a bolt of lightening. Call it kismet. 

I first discovered Turtle Man about 3 years ago, via this epic YouTube video. I beg you- watch it. I don't post videos on here willy nilly, and this one is totally worth your time if you haven't seen it already. 

You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.


Ernie Brown, Jr, bills himself as "Kentucky's Best Kept Secret," and folks, that is no exaggeration. Armed with only his rebel yell, Turtle Man has gotten his jollies from the age of 7 by catching snapping turtles in the ponds of Kentucky. In fact, in one prosperous year, he caught 333. One time, 55 IN ONE DAY. WITH HIS BARE HANDS!

Let me reassure you that these are no box turtles you catch in your back yard. These things are VICIOUS. He doesn't wrangle these turtles just for love of animal abuse. No, he's actually, honestly, filling a void in Kentucky farms. Snapping turtles wreak havoc on farms- stealing apples, biting horses, latching onto cows' udders (OW), and of course, snapping at humans. Farmers pay Turtle Man gas money- and only that- to come remove them. He truly catches turtles for the love of it. He also refuses to kill the turtles (although he notes in the video that they have seven kinds of meat on them)- simply relocating them to a different pond.

 

As required by his job, Turtle Man is quite brave, even heroic. In the video above, he manages to save a camera man from almost certain death by snatching a snapper from his ankles just in the nick of time. He takes risks without thinking of the consequences- he's been bit 26 times to show for it (his front teeth, however, were knocked out by a chain saw- but that's another story).


Turtle Man's skill set is almost certainly a product of his unique heritage. He is a quarter Shawnee, a quarter Cherokee, a quarter Yankee, and a quarter Confederate rebel. So his stealth is a result of being Native American, his rebel yell from being a Confederate, and his love of Gatorade from being a Yankee (I'm assuming). 


What does all this mean for Team Kristen? It means we finally have a warrior of sorts on our team. In fact, Turtle Man compares himself to Robin Hood. We also have a commoner in our midst (whassup, Ally Tucker?)- it doesn't get much more common that a man from Lebanon, KY. Also, although Turtle Man calls himself "the poorest famous guy around," don't expect that to last for long. He has a manager to arrange his appearances, and I predict that his oft-quoted line "Gatorade ain't just for football, it's for the Turtle Man," will get him an endorsement soon. He also has merchandise for sale on his website, www.turtle-man.com.


Ca$h MoNeY!


STRENGTHS:
-Good at wrestling
-May have a Gatorade endorsement coming
-Entertaining as all get-out- "They think I'm crazy, but they can't help but like me"
-Commoner
-We never have to worry about getting our ankles snapped off
-In a pinch, Turtle Man knows the seven kinds of turtle meat
-Eliminates the need for a car horn, siren, or other noisemaking device with his rebel yell
-Lives cleanly and soberly. "I don’t drink or do drugs, or smoke cigarettes, chew tobacco, this is my hobby. Can't ask for no better.”
-Ethnic diversity
-Don't have to worry about some accident knocking his teeth out
-No fear.



WEAKNESSES:
-He might not be all there- in terms of mind and body parts. 

Turtle Man, on being drafted for Team Geil:

"SNAPPERLICIOUS!"

LIFE DRAFT ROUND 5

Posted by Kristen Geil on July 5, 2011 at 7:25 PM Comments comments (2)

           Happy you can go back to feeling indifferent about America again  day!!! It's the 6th of July and between the excitement of loving America like crazy on the 4th and the extreme controversy and passion of the Casey Anthony trial being revealed on the 5th...we all need to just take a step back and relax today. Unwind here with us on Tucker's Tales and check out the 5th round of the Tucker's Tales Life Draft. We are at the halfway point and after today's selections, we should all have a pretty good feel for how the teams stack up at this point.

With the #5 Pick in The 2011 Tucker's Tales Life Draft....

TEAM GEIL SELECTS...



Sydney Bristow of Alias.


As a direct reaction to Ally and Brandon's previous picks, I decided it was time for Team Geil to pick up some sort of enforcer. Layson, Beyonce, Dumbledore, and Jesus are great, but they are hardly rough around the edges. I needed someone with a license to kill who wasn't afraid to use it. Sydney Bristow is that person.


For those of you who didn't watch this early-2000s television series, let me give you a brief recap. Basically, Sydney Bristow was an English grad student who got recruited by SD-6, an organization billing itself as a special forces division of the CIA. After she tells her fiance and he's viciously murdered, her dad (a real life CIA agent) emerges to tell her that SD-6 is actually an enemy of the CIA with connections to other international crime organizations. Syd and her dad, Jack, step up to the plate as double agents, working with the CIA to destroy SD-6. Other subplots involve Sydney's mother, a spy for the KGB, the finding and seizing of artifacts created by Milo Rambaldi (a guy who was sort of a cross between da Vinci and Nostradamus), and Project Christmas, a CIA project headed by Jack Bristow to identify and train children as sleeper agents to become future spies (which Sydney took part in).


So to summarize, Sydney Bristow is a certified badass. She's a black belt in Krav Maga, the martial art used by special forces in Israel. She speaks 30 languages throughout the series. She continued to go on missions while she was pregnant.  Also, she bagged Michael Vaughan, who is still my top television crush ever (although Robert Downey Junior's character in Ally McBeal is making a run at the moment).


STRENGTHS

- Very intelligent

-Learned how to assemble a handgun at age 6

-Very physically fit

-An "in" with the CIA is never a bad thing

-Knows how to kill and is not afraid to enforce justice

-Strong emotionally (has endured the death of her fiance and one of her best friends, the realization that her other best friend was killed and an enemy spy underwent plastic surgery in order to get information on Sydney and Michael, the discovery that her mother was a KGB spy, and more- all without having a complete mental breakdown)

-Has a crazy big costume box



But sometimes, a simple pair of glasses is all that's necessary.



WEAKNESSES

-Probably has trust issues, seeing as how everyone she has ever loved has lied to her.

-Might get overly ambitious when it comes to creating alliances; additionally, may try to create alliances and secret organizations within Team Geil --> potentially divisive

-At one point in her career she was a brainwashed assassin for the enemy. This could backfire on Team Geil.

 

 

TEAM TUCKER SELECTS:

Jose' Baez (Casey Anthony's Lawyer)

             2 days ago this pick would have been a waste. Why would you want some random, fairly sleezy, fairly unexperienced, unattractive lawyer on your team? (No guys...I'm not talking about Brandon Daulton). Today though...I think he is probably the most underrated pick in this draft.

 

              Still...why Jose' Baez?

 

              For me, the choice is obvious. He can defend the indefensable. He convinced a jury NOT to convict Casey Anthony of murder, even though all signs pointed to her being extremely corrupt and more than likely guilty. With all of America against him and his client, pinning her as a shoe-in for the death penalty--he helped prove reasonable doubt and basically saved Casey Anthony's life. Do I agree with saving Casey Anthony's life? I don't know. I spare judgment on things of that nature that I know nothing about. But he saved her life. And this is a LIFE DRAFT. I'm sorry, but I want him defending me and my Life Team in case we get in a pinch. If he can get her off the chopping block, he can surely get anyone on my current Life Team off the chopping block. Good luck convicting us (even my teammate Jeffrey Dahmer) of anything.

          

               n the words of Jay-Z's classic hit, " H to the Izzo,"..... "Not guilty, ya'll got to feel me..."

               STRENGTHS:

  • Beats the odds
  • Clearly doesn't judge anyone/will defend anyone
  • Passionate speeches
  • Good visual aids
  • Was recently named Mr. July in the "Reasonable Doubt" pin-up calendar

                WEAKNESSES:

  • Moral Compass
  • America hates him
  • Greasy hair
  • Could use a half hour a day on the stair-stepper

TEAM DAULTON SELECTS:
JANELLE PIERZINA.

OK, I'll go ahead and play out the conversation:
TT reader: "Who the hell is Janelle Pierzina?"
Ally Tucker: "Team Daulton sucks! I hate Team Daulton. All his picks are stupid! HATEHATEHATE"
TT reader: "But seriously, who IS that?"
Ally Tucker: "Team Daulton sucWait a minute, JANELLE?!"
TT reader: "Hold up, didn't I see her mugshot on Daulton's first post about that Little Brother show?"
(Me: "Yes")------->
Ally Tucker: "That a-hole stole my 8th round pick! She was my ace in the hole! TRAITOR! CONSPIRACY! TEAM DAULTON IS GOING DOWN!"

Well, too bad Tuck, because not even Julie Chen herself could take down the Queen of the Reality TV Screen Janelle Pierzina.  OK, I'm just gonna stop using her last name because I didn't even know it until I just Wikipediaed her.  She won like every competition on 2 consecutive seasons of Big Brother (Big Brother.  That's what the show was called. I know, still no one watches it but me and Tuck).  All the while, Janelle was cold hearted bitch who didn't care to lie, name-call, whatever it took to get to the top (which she never really did, but who's counting).  Everyone in the house was scared of her, even the people in her alliance.  But I like to think it was more of a respect thing.  She will command the respect of opposing teams.  She will command the respect of our own team.  She is the first female on our team, and she is hot enough, smart enough, tough enough and...just...Janelle enough to keep any challenge at bay.

Strengths:
  • If we ever have a "Veto," "HOH," or Food competition, GAME OVER
  • The "Hot Blond"
  • Tells it like it is
  • Hardened criminal (more on that in a minute)
  • Competition tested
  • Thrives in the public spotlight (and let's be honest, the Tucker's Tales life draft puts the Casey Anthony trial at the level of the George Lopez Show and Last Call with Carson Daly.  She WILL be in the spotlight)
  • Persevereance.  Lost BB the first time, went back for more.

Weaknesses:
  • Coachability issues
  • Character issues (was arrested for DUI and petty theft from Macy's, also failed to appear in court)
  • Unphotogenic, sans makeup
  • Failed reality television show called "Nautical Angels." Something about 3 hot girls visiting tourist destinations.  I'm sure it was captivating, no word on what halted production.
  • Still has a Myspace page, according to Wikipedia
  • Never won Big Brother, despite competing twice

Janelle's thoughts on being selected:
  • "It's on.  I'm so glad to be a part of Big Brother, Season...what season are they on now?  Anyway, third time's a charm.  I'm not leaving this time until I win.  Now get out of my way, it's almost time for the veto competition."

I don't know if she quite gets it yet but...I'm just not going to tell her any different.  She'll get the hang of it.  Ohhhhhh Janelle.

 

 

LIFE DRAFT ROUND 4

Posted by Kristen Geil on July 1, 2011 at 10:00 PM Comments comments (0)




Why hello there loyal readers and friends. What would Independence day be without a little Tucker's Tales Life Draft action? Why it would be nothing at all...... so in honor of America (not Amurrica, Murka, Merica, or any other ridiculous defamation of the word....jackasses), we trudge forward into ROUND 4 of the Tucker's Tales Life Draft.



With the #4 Pick in the 2011 Tucker's Tales Life Draft...


TEAM GEIL SELECTS...



Jesus Christ of Nazareth.


Team Geil's rationale: Go big or go home, right? Jesus is widely recognized as one of the most influential people to ever live. Most theologians today agree that he was a teacher and a healer- beyond that, opinions tend to differ a little. Christians believe he was the Messiah and the Son of God. Jews believe he was just a really popular teacher. Muslims believe he was just around to tell people Muhammad was coming. Dan Brown revealed in The Da Vinci Code that Jesus actually was married and had a kid! Awesome. 


STRENGTHS

-Can walk on water (no need to buy him a ticket on our victory cruise, he can just stroll alongside)

-Good carpenter

-Healer 

-Has an "in" with God

-May be able to determine who goes to Heaven and who goes to Hell

-Able to provide food for many people. Team Geil will never go hungry.

-Good morals

-Exorcist

-Power to bring people back to life


WEAKNESSES

-Schism may occur if I happen to choose any non-Christians in following rounds

-Questionable friends (prostitutes, thieves, lepers) could hurt Team Geil's rep

-Impending Rapture could put a damper on team morale

-May play the martyr too much (too far?)


TEAM TUCKER SELECTS:



Jeffrey Dahmer

Okay, okay...before you go all "Judge Judy" on me and question the morality of my pick, remember that this is not a "Who can pick the best group of genuinely good people" (coughKristencoughJesuscoughReally???cough) I picked Jeffrey Dahmer, one of America's most famous serial killers for intimidation purposes. You can't even begin to tell me that any of the team members on Team Kristen or Team Brandon will come within 10 feet of this guy. Even Parviz, my 3rd round pick,  will probably give him his space. 


Here's the thing about Dahmer....you may not necessarily want him on your team...but you'd much rather have him on your team than against you...


"If you can't beat em'....eat em'....join em'..."


Dahmer is well known for not only being a serial killer (targeting young men and women) but for his appetite (too far?) for cannibalism. So Brandon and Kristen, not only might he kill your team...but he might enjoy you as a afternoon snack as well. 


Hey Kristen, you said that thanks to your Jesus pick your team will never go hungry. Well, check-mate darling......I got Jeffrey Dahmer. Neither will mine. 



STRENGTHS:

 

  • Healthy appetite?

WEAKNESSES:
  • Unhealthy appetite?

TEAM DAULTON SELECTS

The Bomb Bird, of 'Angry Birds' fame.


There isn't much he can't do.  He wreaks havoc on any obstacle in his way.  When you're playing Angry Birds, you're glad to see he's on deck, and in your real life, you wish he would magically appear for you to slingshot at some people.  So good for Dahmer for having a great appetite, whatever whatever, but good luck in 2 things: a) killing the bomb bird before he kills you, and b) if you did happen to strike first, enjoy a tasty bomb as your sick little treat. Not to mention, except for maybe Jesus, no one on any team really stands a chance against Bomb Bird. There isn't much more to say about this pick.  It may surprise some people, but if you think it through, this pick is the bomb. (sorry.)


STRENGTHS

 

  • Reputation for destruction
  • No feelings, no conscience
  • Can be mobilized by other team members
  • Re-spawns for each new challenge
  • Doesn't require food or deplete other resources

WEAKNESSES
  • Poor communications skills
  • Indescretion in aiming
  • No legs or arms
  • Difficulty breaking concrete blocks

Bomb Bird on being taken in the 4th round
  • (see video below)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ocIWkmGrzc


LIFE DRAFT Round #3

Posted by Ally Tucker on June 30, 2011 at 1:50 PM Comments comments (2)



Guess what folks? It's that time again...

Time for Round 3 of the Tucker's Tales Life Draft. Each team has already made 2 selections. There has been a bit of controversy as to which team has made the best selections at this point. Please feel free to use the comment section as your way to let your opinion on the matter be known. 




With the #3 Pick in the 2011 Tucker's Tales Life Draft...

TEAM TUCKER SELECTS:



Parviz

The man. The myth. The legend. I could add a last name here, but if you have ever lived in Lexington or the surrounding areas--or played soccer in your life, you know who Parviz is. In fact, I could have simply said "Parv" and you all would have known exactly who I was talking about. 

"Parv" coaches soccer at Transy. Actually, he is the "Director of Soccer" for both the Women's and Men's teams. Is that even a real position? Probably not. Parviz probably snapped his fingers and a position was made specifically for him. 

What you might not realize is that Parv is much more than a soccer coach, or "Director of Soccer." He owns Transy. Not literally (that I know of...for sure...though I would not rule it out), but if Parv is within a 2 mile radius on Transy's campus-- you'll know it. Why? Honestly you will probably know he is there because he will be yelling someone's name frantically and abruptly as if the whole world is on the line if you don't answer him. I literally still have nightmares of hearing my name yelled across the cafeteria with my back turned to him. "TUCKER!!!!!" The best part is, 99.9% of the time, he was just saying hi. Or had something mundane to tell you. But he always made it sound so urgent and intense. Oh, and just because you weren't a soccer player didn't mean you were immune to his yelling. His other favorite thing to do other than yell across the cafeteria or campus at his own players was to learn random people's names through the grapevine and yell at them.  No one is safe.

The second way that you know Parv is within a 2 mile radius is because of his cologne. The dude really does wear cologne. It smells good, but if Parv hugs you--prepare to wear his musk for the next 24 hours at least. If he has been in a room in the past 3 hours, and you walk in--you will know it. 

Oh, did I mention he often coaches college soccer games in white lenin pants? And button down shirts? And alligator skin shoes? Yep. He's got it like that. And now , so does Team Tucker.

Oh, another thing I failed to mention....Parviz also sews. For stuffed rats. It's a long story. But as they say, "to make a long story short," my friend Toni had a stuffed rat (don't ask) named Gizmo. She would bring it along on soccer road trips sometimes. He was kind of scary looking. Anyway, Parviz not only said the word "Gizmo" in an awesome fashion, but he kind of found a soft spot in his heart for the old rat. He came in the Monday following an away soccer game with a tiny t-shirt that he sewed, yes, sewed, for Gizmo. It said "Gizmo" on the back and he gave it the number 22 (Toni's number was 2, so he had to do a variation). 

Oh, and when Parviz played soccer at Transy (mind you he was like 33 years old and had a mustache), he used to smoke cigars and cigarettes at halftime. BAD ASS!

Oh, one more tiny little matter. I can't say for sure but I'm not entirely convinced that Parviz is NOT in the mafia.....just sayin'.....


Clearly there are many sides to Parv....


STRENGTHS:

  • Might have mafia connections (if so, Team Brandon & Team Kristen are DONE)
  • Seamstress
  • Owns Transy (and all of its connections)
  • Smells glorious
  • Can sneak up on Stevie Wonder of Team Brandon & scare the shit out of him with his voice
  • Had adult braces & now has a pearly set of chops
  • Only needs to go by one name much like the biggest starts in the world
WEAKNESSES

  • Chick peas
  • May not be able to sneak up on anyone, ever
  • If connections to mafia run dry or run sour it could spell trouble for Team Tucker
  • Smoking at halftime may not be the best strategy


(Young Parviz......do I win automatically for this?)

Parviz's Reaction: Kristen spelled my name wrong (Parvis? Really?).......her team will not live to see tomorrow. Also......RUUUUUUUUSSSSHHHH!!!


Team GEIL SELECTS...

Beyonce Knowles


After rising to fame as a member of pop group Destiny's Child, Beyonce has since split off to build an incredibly successful solo career. With handfuls of Grammys, Jay-Z on her arm, and an unparalleled dancing ability, Beyonce has confidently taken the title of today's Diva Extraordinaire. Not to mention, her songs have become nothing less than anthems to millions of girls and women everywhere. 


STRENGTHS

-If music has charms to soothe a savage beast, Beyonce could tame Cyclops, a Norwegian Ridgeback, and Parvis... all at once.
-Would be useful in choreographing a flash mob, should the urge ever strike
-Her marriage to Jay Z would prove useful in terms of networking connections. He's pretty well hooked up.
-Inspirational as all get-out


WEAKNESSES

-Constant reports of pregnancy. Nothing against pregnant women, but it's a fact that they're a bit incapacitated for nine months and after.
-Her old bandmates, Michelle and Kelly, may hold a grudge
-Diva attitude? I find it hard to believe, but it could be true. 

TEAM DAULTON (who apparently has a stronghold on being the last pick in each round) SELECTS:
KARL MALONE.




That's right, you've got mail, and it's from The Mailman. Former Utah Jazz, LA Lakers and '92 Dream Team power forward, professional wrestler, Shape-Ups spokesman, and general badass.  Hailed as one of the best (and dirtiest) forwards to ever play the game, Karl Malone (and his elbows) spent nearly 20 years beating the crap out of NBA opponents.  With John Stockton as his partner in crime, they perfected the pick and roll, en route to 2 NBA finals.  And if you ever saw Malone play, you know that he inflicted some serious hurt on the players he faced.  And he referred to himself in the 3rd person a lot, which obviously means he does whatever he wants and no one is going to say anything about it.


Karl Malone is the brawn we are in need of right now.  Stevie's got the voice.  Swanson has life completely figured out.  Now it's time to fill the physical void.  And at 6'9", 265 pounds, I think he handles that job pretty well.  Now, granted Karl may not be as smart as some, but that's not his role.  But even though it isn't his role, I think we should reminisce about some of the gems that have escaped Karl's mouth:

"Karl Malone gotta do what Karl Malone gotta do."
When asked if he was interested in running for governor of Utah: “It do interest me, matter of fact, it really do.”
"I want to tell you about tough..."



Well Karl, tell us.  Tell us ALL about tough when you join Team Daulton.  Although, judging by the above photo, I don't think you'll even have to open your mouth.

Strengths:
  • Elbows
  • Physical fitness (not only was he a pro wrestler, he's now also the face of "Shape-Ups")
  • Brute force
  • Height/monstrous stature
  • Instilling fear in the world at large
  • One-liners
  • Does whatever he wants
  • Longevity (spent 18 of 19 seasons with Utah Jazz)
Weaknesses:
  • Does whatever he wants (How coachable is he???)
  • Inevitable man-boobs (he's about 47 now)
  • Has questionable grip on the English language
  • Public speaking

Karl Malone on...Karl Malone:
  • "Kawl Malone thank this a great opptunity.  I'm gettin up there age wise and I's just thankful that the Daulton organization took a chance own me.  I don't really know what this draft thang is even fo' but I'mma kick somebody ass."








LIFE DRAFT ROUND 2

Posted by Kristen Geil on June 29, 2011 at 11:20 AM Comments comments (0)

LIFE DRAFT TIME!

It is now time for all 3 teams to make their 2nd round selections. We've all heard a variety of feedback on our 1st round picks, with many people picking sides early. As with any draft, the draft is not won in the early rounds but is the sum of all of the parts. We all look forward to strengthening and deepening our teams today. 


 


With the #2 Pick in the 2011 Tucker's Tales Life Draft...



TEAM KRISTEN SELECTS:

 

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

 

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, of Harry Potter fame, is a strong choice for Team Kristen. His magical abilities combined with wisdom and strong moral compass make him the perfect ally. He is the only wizard that Lord Voldemort was ever afraid of, and he dedicated himself- his life, even-  to fighting evil. As the best wizard dueler in history, there is no doubt he could easily take down Team Tucker or Team Daulton. Besides his wizarding skills, he is a veritable genius with a wicked sense of humor to match (when it comes time for him to "say a few words" at Hogwarts' opening dinner, he chooses only to say, "nitwit! blubber! oddment! tweak!").

 

STRENGTHS

-Best wizard EVER

-Wise beyond his 116 years

-Willing to mentor young adults (could help tame Kristen and Layson)

-Appeals to the homosexual demographic (Dumbledore's gay)

-Has had a rough childhood/young adulthood, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

-Strong sense of ethics

-Good strategizer (former leader of the Order of the Phoenix, the wizarding secret society responsible for fighting Lord Voldemore and the Death Eaters)

 

WEAKNESSES

-May be a little too emotional at times

-Once fell prey to the temptation of power over Muggles and wizards through Dark Arts (it was because he had a crush on the wizard talking to him about it though)

-Has a notorious sweet tooth (may compromise health)


TEAM TUCKER SELECTS:



Lori & Dori Reba Schappell

I know what you're thinking...actually, chances are you are thinking a lot of things right now--one of which is probably: Who are Lori & Dori Reba Schappell?

Well, I'm here to educate you. Born Lori & Dori Schappel (oh, and also born conjoined at the head, no big deal), the two are one of the rarest forms of conjoined twins--conjoined at the head. This type of conjoined twin accounts for only 2% of the conjoined twin population. Born in 1961, they spent most of their childhood until the age of 24 in a home for people living with severe disabilities. But rest assured--can't nobody take their pride. Can't nobody hold them down. Oh no, they got to keep on movin'.... And moving they did. Apparently the two detested their parents for giving them rhyming names ("c'mon Ma, c'mon Pop...we're already joined at the head...don't set us up for even more failure by giving us rhyming names"). 

Dori, ever the independent (minus the whole attached at the head to your sister thing), decided to legally change her name to Reba. Why Reba? Why of course, after Reba McEntire, her hero. 

Speaking of country music, Dori Reba has not let her attached sister hold back her dreams. She has made a career for herself as a country singer. In fact, she won the L.A. Music Award for Best New Country Artist in 1997. I've gotta be honest...after hearing Reba perform, I have some interesting thoughts about the year in music in 1997. If you watch from the 2:30 point on, you can see Reba perform her hit "Fear Of Being Alone." Slightly ironic song title. 

You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.



You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.

Lori, on the other hand, works part-time at a hospital and frequently takes time off work to join Reba on the road for concerts (like she has a choice?). 

The two have beat the odds and found a way to make worthwhile lives for themselves. Lori is mobile and able to walk around, whereas Dori Reba is much smaller and unable to walk. She tags along with Lori on a small rolling chair. 

Team Tucker's Reasoning:

I've always been a big fan of 2 for 1 specials. Lori & Dori Reba were the obvious, logical choice for ourteam in this situation. The two are a brilliant story of resilliance and further prove the point that absolutely anyone can be a country music star. Also, one of my sister's friends wrote a musical about the conjoined pair for a Creative Writing Course in college. The musical involved one twin committing a murder while the other was asleep (assuming it was Reba, though I can't be sure). The rest of the musical entails a huge debate as to whether you can convict one and sentence them both to a life in prison (or the death penalty) due to their attachment, when one is clearly innocent. Imagine the possibilities. I wanted to give a little free publicity for the musical. You're welcome, Sara. 


STRENGTHS:

 

  • 2 for the price of 1
  • Always stick by each other's side...
  • Potentially immune to a life sentence in prison (decision pending on how the musical ends)
  • Might be able to woo Reba McEntire to be a fan of Team Tucker
  • How many people can say that they make up 2% of an entire population?
  • You never have to worry about them breaking the "travel in pairs" rule
  • Willing to share....(including 30% of their brain with each other)
WEAKNESSES:
  • Possible case of an identity crisis (apparently in 2007 Dori Reba once again changed her name to George.....yep, George.
  • Inseperable...potentially unable to keep a secret 
  • May have peaked too early in 1997
  • Squeaky wheels when not properly oiled 
  • Poor eye contact
  • They say fame can sometimes be a two-headed monster

 

Lori & Dori Reba George could not be reached for comment due to a rigorous concert schedule. 


TEAM DAULTON SELECTS:

Ron Swanson.


...of Parks and Recreation Fame.  He's one of the best characters on TV, bar none.  (I literally have no idea what bar none actually means, but I think it's appropriate here).  Ron Swanson has a stoic, stone-cold exterior.  And interior too, for that matter.  Team Daulton needs that right now.  Stevie Wonder, as awesome as he is, comes off a bit soft.  He makes people happy.  Well, the plan is for Stevie to make people complacent then BAM.  Ron Swanson in your face.  

This quote sums up the killer instinct we need:


“On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.”  Ron Swanson is the enforcer.  He also is no stranger to hard work, another quality that will pay major dividends for my team:


“I got my first job when I was 9. Worked at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks, I was running the floor. Child labor laws are ruining this country.”  Plus, Ron has a no nonsense attitude that will allow for maximum productivity.  When the singin' and dancin' (Stevie) are done, there will be no extracurricular activity, just victory.  By force if necessary.

 

"I don't like loud noises and people making a fuss... Plus the whole thing is a scam. Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards."


To sum up why Ron Swanson is an obvious pick in my 2nd spot, one need only glance at the "Pyramid of Greatness."


 

Strengths

 

  • Mustache (that thing is full, thick and square - see bottom row, 3rd from left).  "If you have to sculpt it, that probably means you can't grow it."
  • Frankness - "Cut the B.S."
  • Ability to live off the land
  • Common sense - "Give 100%. 110% is impossible, only idiots recommend that"
  • Durability - "Torso should be thick and impenatrable"
  • Patriotism - See 2nd row from top on left.
  • Defense - See "B.O." line 7 from the top, in the middle
  • Kick ass attitude
  • Mustache. (seriously)

Weaknesses
  • Possible controversy with Stevie's general good-naturedness
  • Non-conformity issues/lack of team concept
  • Lack of friend making ability (1-3 is sufficient, again detracting from team unity)
  • Off the court distractions (obsession with old wooden sailing ships is troubling)
  • Lack of tact (already heard rumors that he was making fun of Stevie Wonder being blind AND bald)

Ron Swanson on being selected in Round 2:
  • "I'm pissed I wasn't selected before a blind person.  If I wasn't at my secluded cabin in the woods living off the land at the moment, I would beat Daulton's ass before this draft was even over."

Bottom Line
  • The benefits outweigh the risks.  Bring on Ron Swanson, and his bad ass ways.  Hopefully by the time he returns to civilization, he will have cooled off...and he'll be ready to teach the squad how to cultivate deer protein while building things out of wood and using only the minimum amount of energy necessary.


Welcome to the family Ron.

 


 

LIFE DRAFT Round #1

Posted by Ally Tucker on June 28, 2011 at 6:20 PM Comments comments (2)





Tonight is the night! Tucker's Tales is ready to kick off its first ever LIFE DRAFT, 2011 style. After a long day of fielding phone calls from agents and scrambling to make the best decisions possible for each of our respective teams, the picks are in.... All 3 of us are ready to officially announce our first round picks. 



With the #1 Pick in the 2011 Tucker's Tales Life Draft....



TEAM TUCKER Selects: 

JORTS (aka Josh Harrellson)



Team Tucker's Reasoning:  We have had our eye on Jorts for a while now. It took some convincing to get the New York Knicks to release him from his newly signed contract. We exchanged a cool $750,001 with them in order to make the deal happen. We admire Jorts for his determination, ability to beat the odds, fashion sense and slight pidgeon-toed-ness. We think Jorts will be a great fit for our Life Team.

STRENGTHS:
  • Trend-setting
  • Dodgeball
  • Chest Pounding
  • Genetics (have you seen his Dad?)
  • Ability to grow a variety of styles of facial hair
  • Heart 
  • Cracking open Buckeyes...
  • The "Carlton"

You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.

You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.


WEAKNESSES:
  • Slight under-bite
  • Natural Talent
  • Chaffing (have you ever tried to wear a pair of Jorts & do anything that requires mobility?)
  • Poor taste in tattoos
  • Kryptonite
  • Sweets & Grippos potato chips
  • Discretion when Tweeting
Comments from Jorts (aka Josh Harrellson) on being drafted to Team Tucker

"I'm just really blessed and appreciative and proud to be drafted to a quality team like Team Tucker.
I'm going to protect my stars. Ally, Kristen, Brandon...if someone gets rough with them in the comments section, I'm going to protect them. I'm going to make my presence felt. They'll know I'm here. Also, I promise not to Tweet if I get mad at my coach."


With the #2 Pick in the 2011 Tucker's Tales Life Draft...

Team Kristen Selects:

LAYSON GRIFFIN



Team Kristen's Reasoning:

After about five seconds of careful consideration after Ally pitched the Life Draft idea for me, I knew who my first pick would be. It should come as no surprise to anyone who has interacted with me this past year, whether in person or via social media. As my first pick in the 2011 Life Draft, I chose Layson Griffin. 

 

Together, Layson and I have already achieved more than the average human being- an Amazing Race audition, donating Paris Hilton to the Tin Roof, matching hair wraps, being featured on the Travel Channel riding mechanical bulls, and an undying friendship with Lexington trolley drivers- and we haven't even scratched the surface of our capabilities. We've even had our theme song chosen for months (a mash up of Will Smith's "Just the Two of Us" and Willow Smith's "Whip My Hair). 

Layson's skill set can best be described as a combination of Martha Stewart and Shakira. She legitimately saved my Life once, thus making her a no-brainer for my Life team. We have rightfully been named a Power Couple, a title we accept with honor. I pity the fools who face us in Life.

STRENGTHS:

 

  • A combination of Martha Stewart & Shakira
  • Has saved my life before
  • Stripper Potential
  • Hair Whipping
  • Riding Horses
  • Arts & Crafts
  • Twitter
WEAKNESSES:
  • No known or documented weaknesses
Comments from Layson Griffin on being drafted to Team Kristen:

What is a Life Draft?

Team Daulton Selects:


 Stevie Wonder.

 He made those sunglasses cool before they became cool again like a year ago. And he appears to be able to make part of the right lens disappear at will... Is it "MAGIC"? (That's one of his songs, if you didn't know).

 

Reasoning: Truthfully, I don't feel like any reasoning or justification is really necessary for my Stevie Wonder pick. When it comes right down to it, this was one pick I was sure I was going to be making, and I saw no better time than round 1 to take him. Helen Keller? Who is that? Stevie Wonder is BY FAR the best, most talented, most accomplished, most culturally significant blind person EVER. And he's obviously generally better than most sighted people as well - seriously, just think how much of a disadvantage blind folks have at most everything, let alone playing the piano (and sometimes harmonica simultaneously). And he doesn't just play the piano, he plaaaaaays the piano. The guy has over 30 #1 hits, and 22 Grammys. But I promise that's all I'll say about his tangible accomplishments. I'd much rather talk about his general awesomeness. There are very few musicians you could argue are even in the same conversation as best of all time, who wouldn't cause me to immediately punch you in the face. He can make you dance, smile, cry, want to start a political uprising (seriously, I've seen him twice live, and he goes on like 5 minute-long political rants, some of which is over the top. I'm not really into politics, but I don't even care, it's awesome when he does it), and he also makes you wish you had 10% of the talent that man has. He transcends generations. He makes the world better.


In all seriousness, he has what most would consider a disability, and doesn't view it that way at all, which is refreshing when a lot of people, including myself, complain about things not worthy of complaining about. If you don't know much of his music, I suggest getting on it. Even the old stuff. Music this good knows no time constraints.


I had a stray dog which I took in as mine for like 2 months last summer. I named him Stevie Wonder. But he died. Just kidding, I found him a good home. But he was a lot like the real Stevie. He was black, he got up on his hind legs and tilted his head back with his nose in the air a lot, and I "Wondered" where he came from. I would imagine that the real Stevie didn't poop on the floor nearly as much though.


Strengths

 

  • Singing
  • Piano
  • A way better forehead than Alex Tyus
  • I think would like to see him and Layson (above) in a hair-whipping showdown.
  • Opinionated
  • Proven "winner"

 

Weaknesses:

  • The only real negative I see to selecting Stevie first, is that, well he's blind. So any athletic activity involving a ball of any kind, he may not be the best contributor. But I'm not worried about that. He can be the coach, and I will likely do whatever he says.
  • Also, his dramatic weight fluctuations may become problematic


Bottom Line

  • Anyone that can have a picture of himself holding what appears to be a porcelain mask of some sort as an album cover (see above), and make it look 100% awesome, is worthy of my #1 draft pick in the Life Draft.

 Stevie Wonder on being selected in Round 1: 

  • "Well, I wasn't able to watch the draft on TV, but Brandon phoned me to tell me the good news.  I couldn't be happier. For once in my life, I have someone who needs me.  I told him, 'Don't you worry 'bout a thang, you will not regret this decision'."

You need Adobe Flash Player to view this content.



 While we're on blind people, this video is double your viewing pleasure.




2011 LIFE DRAFT on Tucker's Tales

Posted by Ally Tucker on June 27, 2011 at 11:15 AM Comments comments (4)

Oh hey guys....long time no see...

              Okay, maybe not THAT long of a "long time no see." See, when you put it into perspective, it really hasn't been so long. I apologize again for a brief streak of very little blogger activity. Kristen was climbing mountains and Tweeting in her head in Peru and I have once again been bitten by the Insight internet connection bug. Seriously....I am calling them today, and if you read the last blog entry about Insight, you can only imagine how that conversation is going to go. If 2 or more Insight employees aren't left in tears or peeing in their pants--I have not succeeded. Oh, and Brandon--remember that guy? He has just been MIA...I can't give you a reason. Maybe he's studying for something for law school. Kinda doubt it though.

***EDITOR'S NOTE*** re: Brandon's whereabouts: BAR EXAM HELL. But if I fail because of the life draft, I won't even be mad.

             Anyway, we are back and we have something big coming up for you guys....

              In the days following the NBA draft, we've decided it's time we have our own little draft here on Tucker's Tales. We are going all "Lil Wayne" here and colloborating on this series of blog entries as well. What does that mean? That means that literally all 3 of us will be contributing each time you see a blog post about the.....drumroll please...

 

2011 LIFE DRAFT....

                    No, I did not say Life Raft. How much could we really come up with to write about a Life Raft? I'm hoping either Brandon or Kristen sees that as a challenge and actually tries to do so. Back to the topic at hand, the LIFE DRAFT. If you liked the NBA draft, or even if you don't and you just like silly things-- you will enjoy this Tucker's Tales Life Draft. Let's call a cat a cat, this year's NBA draft was awful. Other than Jorts and Liggins being drafted-- the entire thing was boring and the talent was watered down. We feel like all of you all were cheated out of a good draft.

                    We're here to save you! (And not with a Life Raft, with a Life Draft....get the point yet?)

Logistics:

                       -The Life Draft will take place over the course of 10 days.

                       - Every day we will have 1 blog entry devoted to the Life Draft, which will be posted around 10 p.m.

                       - Each day each one of us (Ally, Kristen, Brandon) will be using ONE PICK to join our "Life Team"

                       - What is a Life Team? A hypothetical team of people we would pick for our life....If that doesn't make sense to you, that's okay....it doesn't really have to. Just know that it will be silly and hopefully, if we do our jobs, really funny.

                         - Each pick must be a person, or character. The person/character can be famous/someone we actually know/celebrity/athlete/dead/alive.... as long as it's a person.

                         - We can't pick the same person. Once my pick is in, it's mine. And so on and so forth...

                         - When all 30 people have been selected, 10 a piece for each of us, we will have a culminating competition of some sort...TBA

                          - Feel free to use the comment section for suggestions, commentary, heckling, etc.

                 Will you be Team Kristen? Team Ally? Team Brandon?

                            Only time will tell...... Let the games begin!