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How You Know The World Is Ending

Posted by Tara Bilby on May 30, 2012 at 10:25 PM Comments comments (1)

That's it folks, finish building your bunkers, stock up on some more soup, chop down your last trees for fire wood, the world as we know it is coming to an end. I never thought I would join the crazies in thinking that 2012 would be my last hoo-rah.. but the time has come. I am welcomed by those in radio active masks, the Boo Radley's of our generation, they welcome me with peace...


The final nail on this world's coffin was just nailed in. (take nail as a noun or verb as you wish). Shaun White hooked up with Bar Rafaeli. *takes pause from writing post while I grab another tissue*

There is so much that is wrong with this world, but that just moved into the top five. I had my moments where I thought the time was nearing before now. But I tried to push them to the side, tried to listen to the "normal people" well I'm done listening to the "normal people" damnit!  It's time everyone starts listening to the Mayans. Maybe they were the equivalent then to what the New Jersey psychic is now. Need more proof then Shaun White and Bar? I'll give you the proof. Here they are, signs that people can no longer ignore, signs that the world is coming to an end...

Snooki conceived a child.


Ally Tucker admitted to liking a Taylor Swift song.

Drew Franklin gave up Taco Bell.

Amanda Bynes was arrested for a DUI.

Miley Cyrus hasn't been arrested for a DUI.

Drew Franklin gave up Taco Bell.

John Travolta found pleasure in activities that weren't dancing.

Kim Kardashian is dating someone that isn't an athlete.

Blu Ivy has yet to release a baby lullaby track of her mumbling.

YOLO became popular this year.

... Did I mention Drew Franklin gave up Tace Bell?

And then of course there's this..


I'll save you room in my bunker if you bring the booze.

99 Problems, Being Rich Ain't One

Posted by Kristen Geil on January 16, 2012 at 4:10 PM Comments comments (0)

If you listened to our podcast, or if you logged onto the Internet, read a newspaper, or turned on the television in the past week in general, you know that Blue Ivy Carter was born last week to the couple I consider my adopted parents, Jay-Z and Beyonce. In one of my favorite Internet posts to date, the Thought Catalog once speculated as to what Jay-Z's 99 problems were. Here, I came up with a list of potential problems Blue Ivy Carter faces in her life because let's face it, being rich ain't one of them. 


Note: 99 seemed like a very large number and we weren't sure you guys would actually read the whole list. So we dumbed it down for ya.


1. Colic. 

2. Dislikes the taste of breast milk.

3. Parents are donating all of her baby gifts to charity, even the stuffed elephant she already fell in love with.

4. Was a little overweight coming out of the womb; worried that she will not lose her baby fat.

5. Jaden Smith is SOOOOOO CUTE, but does he LIKE her like her?

6. Stressed over whether her first word will be "mama" or "dada"; considering throwing caution to the wind and making it "Kanye."

7. Secretly enjoyed listening to Taylor Swift while in utero

8. Flat feet; will never be able to comfortably wear high heels like Mommy.

9. What if Dad secretly wishes she were a boy?

10. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

11. Lack of African-American female role models in the media.

12. Already facing pressure to be a good dancer.

13. Accidentally spit up on Lady Gaga the other day. Very embarrassed.

14. Wants to go to a UK game but is worried that the noise level will be too high for her sensitive newborn ears.

15. What does "swag" mean?

16. Parents are interviewing potential nannies; they all seem equally crazed and star-struck.

17. Newborn diapers are not very stylish; especially dislikes the Elmo pattern she is currently wearing.

18. On the same note, diapers aren't flattering either; high cut and bunching at the waist is anything but slimming.

19. Baby food sucks.

20. Wants desperately to play with her parents' dog but they won't allow it.

21. Concerned that her mom secretly resents her for ruining her body and making her take time off from tour

22. Guilt over her mother's previous miscarriage and depression over the notion that had the first baby been born, she might not exist.

23. What charity should she affiliate herself with?

24. Wondering how early is too early to start writing a memoir

25. Undecided on whether she should pursue a career in the arts or if that would be too cliche

26. Lots of tough competition to get into a great nursery school in New York

27. Boogeyman- real or imaginary?

28. Doesn't know how to jailbreak iPhone, which is used only for tweets.

29. Society and media falsely accusing parents of throwing tantrums stopping other families from seeing their newborns in the hospital

30. Wasn't fully prepared for her first picture to be taken; hair and makeup could have been vastly improved.


(I have no idea if this is real or not. I'm guessing not)


31. Can't count to 99 and thus, can't count all of her problems.

3 Trends I Fear In 2012

Posted by Ally Tucker on January 5, 2012 at 4:20 PM Comments comments (5)

Hey, it's 2012!

Let's be honest, either the world is going to end or.....

That's what I'm here to discuss... the "or."

 It seems like each year has a theme. For example, last year was the "Year of the Commoner." If you are thinking to yourself, "but Time Magazine said it was the Year of the Protestor," worry not, they just mis-spelled commoner. 

Though I'm not quite sure what this year's theme will be just yet, I am fearful of certain trends becoming popular and widespread in 2012. When we look back upon a year, we can all probably admit there were some trends that we "soh" (shake our head) at. See, just there...I used one of the trends I'll be glad to see go from 2011. The saying "smh" (shake my head) took over the online world and texting world last year. Let's all quit shaking our heads in 2012 and spend more time using our heads to carry around things like books to impress people. While we're kicking 2011 trends to the curb, let's all also agree to stop saying "winning" in that annoying voice after doing something or saying something. Oh, and also, if I never heard the word swagger again, that would be okay too. 

(Dang! Look how cool she looks!)

(See? Overkill)





Now, as I said...on to the trends I fear in 2012....

Nooks Replacing Books


I am genuinely afraid that Nooks and other electronic reading options are going to be the death of books. Of course stories will still be written, novels and the like. But I am a bit of an old soul and I LOVE books. I love everything about them. I love flipping pages as I move through a story. I love folding down the page I stop on with a dog ear (even library books, shhhh!). I love reading a good book and then being able to just hand it to someone else and let them be the next person to enjoy reading it. There are few feelings better than adoring a book and then sharing it with someone else and watching them adore the book too. 

I get that a "Nook".......hold on one minute. Let me just rant here real quick: What a stupid freaking name! Nook? Nook?! That's not even creative. I don't know why but I hate the name almost as much as the concept. 

Okay, let me try that paragraph again...

I get that a "Nook" can be convenient in certain situations. If you are traveling for a long period of time and can't fit a bunch of books in your suitcase, the concept makes a little bit of sense. I get that some people think bookstores, especially the larger corporations, overcharge for books. I get that the Nook offers a cheaper option when you want to purchase a book. I also get the picture about what the future might look like thanks to these little iPad wannabes...

Bookstores are going to be almost non-existent soon. Some people think I am crazy for making a statement like that. I've seen it starting already though. Bookstores are closing here and there and the situation is eerily similar to one that happened a few years ago when movie rental stores began disappearing thanks to Redbox and Netflix. 

My Mom started an analogy club when I was in middle school. I joined it. Let me put together a little analogy for you. Nook is to Book as Netflix is to Blockbuster. Netflix is to Blockbuster as Video is to the Radio Star. And for those of you who listen to music, you know that Video killed the Radio Star. I fear that the Nook is going to kill the book. 



I pray that somehow this transformation from books to electronic reading somehow slows. I can't stomach losing an experience that I have loved for such a long time: Walking into a bookstore and browsing around, flipping through pages of books before deciding which one to buy and take home to read. 

You simply cannot convince me that reading a book on a small screen holds a candle to flipping through the pages of a book. 




Every Movie Ever Made Being Re-released in 3-D

(Okay, I might actually be a little excited to see Titanic in 3D)

First it was The Lion King. Now it's Titanic. What's next? Schindler's List? Yikes. No thanks. 

Seriously though, 3D is becoming such a popular way to see/make a movie. To this day, the only movie that I appreciated or felt needed the 3D technology was Avatar. That's it. The list begins and ends there. That movie was phenomenal and I'm not talking about the weak dialogue and story line. That movie was only phenomenal because of what it looked like. And I haven't seen anything similar since and I haven't seen anything before that movie that I thought to myself, "dang, give me that in 3D!"

I think the 3D experience is overrated. I don't like that my eyes feel a little sore the whole time I'm watching. I don't like that they try to make the glasses look hipster-friendly now with the thick rims. What happened to the old school red and blue lens 3D glasses? Now those, I could get behind. 


(3D of yesteryear)





(Hipster friendly 3D glasses...Boo!)


I realize that movie producers are going to continue to make new movies with the 3D option. I will simply pass on going to see those (and if you know me, I will see almost any movie). But what about all of the movies we loved or experienced years ago being re-made or re-released in 3D? I just don't see the point and I don't see the draw. The Lion King was not made better by adding 3D. I didn't even notice. The only cool part of the experience was experiencing the opening theme song ("Ahhhhhh savanyaaaaaaa!") once again on the big screen like I did when I was 7 the first time I saw it. 

Think about it though...what's next? Dirty Dancing in 3D? Can you imagine Baby's nose in 3D? WHOAH! And if they do Dirty Dancing will they also be inclined to do Dirty Dancing Havana Nights in 3D too? Oh boy! Other movies that are funny to think about being in 3D: Honey I Shrunk The Kids (would that kind of defeat the whole concept of the movie?), Airbud (I wanna see that dog dunk in 3D), Space Jam (Monstars in 3D!), Gigli (Because who doesn't want to see that movie again?), Jaws (Could be released during Shark Week), or Fern Gully (oh wait, that would be Avatar). 



Streaming Live Child Births On Facebook

Call me crazy, but are we that far off? Yesterday my Facebook news feed brought up a 34 week old baby's ultra sound picture. I thought I was going to throw up. First of all, the simulated picture of the baby's face that was waaaaaay too detailed was the creepiest thing I've ever seen. It looked more or less like this:


That's not cute. That's not endearing. That's creepy. That's a face only a mother could love....in a few more weeks when it comes out of her vagina and looks more like a human than an alien. 

The only thing worse than a teenager with Facebook who overshares their "emo" feelings via song lyrics is an adult mother who overshares her pregnancy experience on Facebook. It's one thing to put up pictures of your 1 month year old taking their first bath naked on Facebook. I used to think that was the worst thing I had ever seen. Now, those people are starting to look normal to me. Now my Facebook timeline is loaded with Mom's taking maternity pictures of their bare stomach. Uh, how is this any better than pornography? I don't want to see your naked body. I definitely don't want to see your pregnant naked body. Sorry I'm not sorry. I also don't need to hear about your morning sickness or constipation. Your husband doesn't want to hear it so you vent on Facebook. News flash: If the guy who pledged his life to you, in sickness and in health, doesn't want to hear about it...neither do we. 

I'm more and more surprised each day by what I see on Facebook. These new ultrasound pictures of the baby's progress week to week are the latest trend. So, am I crazy to think that a live feed video of a birth on Facebook is out of the question? God, I hope I am crazy to think that. But I'm not so sure. 

Twitter is so much better. 


One trend I hope to see make a comeback in 2012? Hand-written letters. Seriously....read about my "Breakfast Club" idea and join the movement. 

Secret Santa....

Posted by Ally Tucker on December 6, 2011 at 6:20 PM Comments comments (0)


I read a tweet today from a comedian that simply said, "Just told my secret santa I murdered a plumber in Vermont in 1995, or is that not how it works?"

I got to thinking...I better give my bruh Santa a call and see if he gets "secret santa" confessions such as that all the time. Turns out, thankfully for a blog such as this, that he does in fact get secret santa confessions such as that. Do you want some even better news? Most of the secret santa confessions come from celebrities. Eureka! Warm up your mittens ladies and gentlemen, we've got some secret santa confession mail to sift through!!!

Confession/Secret/Letter #1:


(Evan is a 32 year old U of L fan)

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Secret #2:

Dear Santa,

I actually was the one who ran over grandma. Sorry for throwing you under the bus for all those years. Drinks on me this weekend? Ovaltine for all, and to all a good night!

-Grandpa

p.s. Thanks for the t-shirt, Santy!


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Secret #3:

Yo yo Santa-- I wrote you a little song. Secret enclosed. Thanks boiiii! 

-Justin Biebers Biebs

p.s. I won't tell anyone that those concert tickets you asked for were actually for you, and not little Cindy Lou from Wisconsin. 


"You know you love me, I know you care....
Just shout whenever, and I'll be there...
Except you live far, though ya make a mean toy, 
I'll do what I can though, cuz your my boy....

Are Selena and I an item?...Santa quit playin'...
"We're just friends"...you know I'm gay and...
There's another, can you see it in my eyes?
Turns out I'm actually the dad, what a Christmas surpri-ise!

And I was like Santa, Santa, Santa, ohhhhhh...
Santa, Santa, Santa, no.....
Like Santa, Santa, Santa, ohhhhh....
I thought the paternity test would be fineeee...."





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Secret #4:

Dear Santa,

I traveled. I walked. Whatever you wanna call it, I did it. 

- Patrick Sparks

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Secret #5:

Dear Santa,

I can see!  (I just choose to selectively ignore 90% of the antics that go on in the Griffin household)
-Pearl





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Secret #6:

Dear Santa,

I hate public speaking. I'm lactose intolerant (Orange Leaf sucks!)  I feel uncomfortable promoting my own products. I thought Derek Rose was actually this guy....



the whole ACT/SAT thing was all a big mistake. Apparently this guy's name is Derek Rose too. I just happened to luck into the Derek Rose with the ability to drive and finish in the paint. Dumb luck, really. In life--you just have to roll with the punches and takes chances...and BOUNCE BACK! (You can buy my book here). I repeat, I feel uncomfortable promoting my own products. 


-Coach Cal
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Secret #7:


Dear Santa,


Last year I asked you for a husband and a life-sized poster of Shrek. I think you accidentally combined the two.



I blame you for my divorce. I also blame baby Mason for playing too loudly outside of my bedroom with Kris. 


-Kim Kardashian

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Secret #8:


Dear Santa,


For the last year of our relationship, Demi thought my nickname for her, "CK" stood for "Cute Kabbalah-ist." I didn't have the heart to tell her that, "bitch, it stands for Crypt Keeper. You're old!" 


-Ashton

p.s.  If there's anyway you could help me casually step away from "Two and a Half Men" that would be great. That show really, really sucks. 

p.s.s.   I've enclosed a picture of the last "sexting" text message that Demi sent me before I had to call it quits and cheat on her with an average looking college co-ed. I think you'll understand why I had to do what I had to do when you see it, Santa. Here it is:



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Secret #9:

Dear Santa,

I think I may have seen Mommy doing more than just kissing you. I guess that means I will be getting that iPhone 4s, Xbox360, Train Set, Macbook, Pony and Jet Plane that I asked for. 

My lips are sealed (unless you get me the old iPhone),

- Tommy Tot



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Secret #10:

Dear Santa,

This year's UK basketball team is really, really good. Oh wait, that's not a secret...at all. 

-#BBN & the rest of the world

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11-11-11...MAKE A WISH!

Posted by Ally Tucker on November 13, 2011 at 11:20 AM Comments comments (0)



There are a few things in this life that just annoy me wayyyyy too much considering how mundane they are. One of those things is when people triumphantly squeal, "It's 11:11...make a wish!" Why does this little saying annoy me so much? I don't know. I really don't. Why does it annoy me when people text me and ask me for someone's phone number? It really doesn't take that much energy for me to click out of the text, open my phonebook, write down the number, and then re-text it (okay, that is A LOT of steps people! Stop making me do it). Either way, it annoys me. Why does it annoy me when mini-vans have the decals with various stick figures representing the members of their family? (Some even have little figures representing their dogs, gold fish, etc). I don't know why THAT annoys me so much either, but it does and I can't help it. 

Needless to say, this past Friday, when the date was 11/11/11 (it's just a palindrome people...relax), the whole world felt the need to not only make a wish at 11:11 (Eureka! They could make a wish at a.m. and p.m.!!!) , but to send out texts, make their Facebook status 11:11, or tweet 11:11. Bitch, I have a clock. And I don't care about your wish. Now go away until your next life when it's 11/11/11 again. 

With all that said, Tucker's Tales decided that if so many goobers out there were going to be making wishes at 11:11 (a.m. and p.m.!!! *OmG*) we were going to send out our investigative reporter to find out just exactly what some of those 11:11 wishes heard 'round the world were. 

(Thanks, Harriet!)




"It's 11:11 world...Make your wish!"


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"11:11...I wish for us to have a beautiful, healthy, talented baby...BAHAHA! Just kidding. There's no way our baby will be anything less than perfect. Save your wish-granting for someone who needs it."  -Beyonce' and Jay-Z


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"11:11... I wish Randall Cobb hadn't left a year early. I wish that I had given him the ball on 4th down against Tennessee that one time instead of putting our chance to beat them for the first time in a million years in someone else's hands. I wish UK Basketball had a game every day so that people would just kinda forget about these last few football games. I wish that I had the guts to stop calling QB draws on 3rd down, or short passing plays that don't even develop past the 1st down marker. I wish that I hadn't taken the BBVA Compass Bowl for granted. Legion Field wasn't such a bad place to play... I wish more than anything that people will remember that this is Kentucky Football. We're SUPPOSED to be terrible. Rich Brooks had to go and screw that up for all of us coaches to come after him. I wish that I'll be able to keep my job...."  -Joker Phillips


("Hahaha....oh Coach Brooks, you're so funny. Haha...I'm laughing...BUT I HATE YOU!)

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"11:11... I wish that night after the concert I had just dropped the kids off at the pool when I went into that bathroom stall like I had intended to do in the first place. I alwaysssssss fall for the old hot girl in the bathroom stall trick. I know 'I will never say never...' but perhaps just this once, I should have said NEVER!"


(Can you imagine calling THIS guy Dad?)

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"11:11...I wish I had a better memory. I wish I had a better memory. I wish I had a better...um, oh shoot." - Rick Perry


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"11:11...I wish I could have my dignity back..." - Kris Humphries

 

"11:11...Dignity? Dignity? REALLY?! Give me my money back, bitch. I wish I would stop going for athletes....or at least the awkward white guy on an NBA team. That was a bad choice." - Kim Kardashian


"How did you even hear my wish? That's creepy"- Kris Humphries

"Um, hello. I'm a Kardashian. We taped your wish for our TV show. My Mom says that wishes make for really good TV. Wishes and bladder leaking issues."




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"11:11...I just wish my neck injury could get better. My team needs me. People keep questioning me having a neck injury. Is it really that surprising? Have you SEEN my forehead? Any neck would fold under that pressure. Can't they just use some of the extra skin and bone from my forehead to replace whatever part of my neck isn't working?"- Peyton Manning





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"11:11...I wish the NBA would end the lockout. I'm getting really tired of my husband watching Pan Am with me on Sunday nights when he used to watch NBA games with his friends." - Wives all over the United States

"11:11... I kind of wish the NBA lockout would last just a little bit longer. Don't tell anyone, but that Pan Am show...it's REALLLLY good."- Husbands all over the United States


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"11:11...I wish "TY" hadn't punked me. Now I have no room in my basement." - Beanie Baby Owners


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"11:11...I wish Wildcat Lodge had a Taco Bell in the basement." - Terrence Jones, Stacey Poole & Terrence Jones' random friend who now looks a little creepy for following him from Oregon to Kentucky for school.




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"11:11...I wish I knew anything about Fantasy Football. Anything at all. " -Katrina Deely

(I'm not sure who the ONE team was that she beat...but wow, that's embarrassing!)

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"11:11...I wish Auto-Correct didn't automatically change "Paterno" to "Paternity." That has made for a lot of awkward text messages over the past 5 or 6 days." - Everyone with an iPhone/Droid...aka everyone

DAMN YOU, AUTOCORRECT!!!   (The following picture is from the website DamnYouAutoCorrect.Com....by the way, hilarious!)






Hire Me Jayonce! Part 2: The Resume

Posted by Kristen Geil on November 2, 2011 at 2:20 PM Comments comments (1)

Friends: As you know, I have a new life goal- to be Beyonce and Jay-Z's new nanny. Below, I have included my resume. I would greatly appreciate it if you would help me peer edit this document so that I may have the best possible chance of landing this dream job. Constructive criticism welcomed.


Kristen M. Geil


Education

  • DePaul University, 2011-Present

Currently pursuing a Master of Arts in Writing, Rhetoric, and Discourse. Considering a concentration in Writing Children's Books with a minor in Illustration.

  • Transylvania University, 2007-2011

  Earned a double major in Psychology and Writing, Rhetoric, and Communications. Relevant Coursework: Children's Literature, Child Psychology, Pedagogy of Bike Riding, and The Babysitters Club: Accurate Depiction of Childcare or Complete Fiction?


Work Experience

  • Sprinkles Cupcake Bakery, 2011-Present 

I serve delicious cupcakes to anyone who wanders into our precious bakery. Children are delighted by our whimsical, flavorful cupcakes; parents are excited that we bake fresh daily using only natural ingredients (no artificial flavors or trans fats!) My personal nutritional philosophy is "Everything in moderation." Therefore, I think kids should have cupcakes every so often as a special treat. Our peanut butter chip cupcake is, in my opinion, irresistible.



  • J Crew, 2011 to present

I sell classic clothes with a twist to men, women, and children. Since your child will no doubt be in the public eye often, he or she needs a versatile wardrobe that can be dressed up or dressed down. J Crew can provide all that and more! Look how precious the tots are.



  • Babysitter, Family that I Cannot Legally Name on the Internet, 2009-2011

As the primary after-school caretaker of three children (Boy age 8, Girl age 7, Girl age 6), I was a Snack Artiste, Educational Programming Conneussier, and Recreational Activities Concierge. Also, I put up with cared for their two demonic adorable Yorkshire terriers. I would be happy to put you in contact with them should you wish to follow up on my references. 

 

  • Lifeguard, Lexington Tennis Club, 2005-2010

 

For five wonderous summers of my life, I worked as a lifeguard for Lexington Tennis Club. Since many parents thought it was acceptable to just drop their kids off at the pool and then come back hours later (THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE), I often acted as a pseudo-babysitter as well. I wardrobed children with the appropriate flotation devices, threw sticks into the pool for the kids to retrieve, and judged more cannonball contests than I care to remember. Most importantly, NO ONE DROWNED while I was on duty. A couple of times, I even retrieved kids from the pool using my lifeguard tube when it became apparent that they were in over their heads- literally (or, when their negligent mothers were too boozed up to realize their kid was in the pool. Either or). Oh, and I know CPR and First Aid just as well as I know the Single Ladies dance. 


Special Skills and Qualifications

 

  • Strong reader of bedtime stories; easily able to switch voices depending on character, not a stutterer, and proficient pronunciation skills.
  • Bodily functions and expulsions do not gross me out.
  • I take a Flintstone Vitamin every morning, a habit I will surely pass on to your child. 


  • This picture just deserves to be shown again. It's all the reference you need.

 

 

Hire Me Jayonce! Part 1: The Cover Letter

Posted by Kristen Geil on November 1, 2011 at 11:55 AM Comments comments (1)

Friends: As you know, I have a new life goal- to be Beyonce and Jay-Z's new nanny. Below, I have included my cover letter. I will craft a resume for a future post. I would greatly appreciate it if you would help me peer edit this document so that I may have the best possible chance of landing this dream job. Constructive criticism welcomed.


Dear Mr. and Mrs. Carter,




First, congratulations on your pregnancy! The birth of a child is literally the miracle of life, and you are so blessed to experience it. I have no doubt that you will be loving parents and true role models for your child. Your future son or daughter is very lucky indeed. Just think- this time next year your child will have just experienced his/her first Halloween! (Side note- I am one of the greats when it comes to Halloween costumes. Just saying).



Considering both of your very busy schedules, I'm guessing you will require the services of a full-time nanny, someone is who caring, experienced, fun, and able to keep up with all the daily duties of running both a household and the public lives of celebrities such as yourself. 


Beyonce, Shawn- may I call you by your first names?- I am that person.


Hundreds of potential nannies will contact you with their years of childcare experience. Although I'm young, I have been babysitting since I was 13, and I have been a lifeguard for five years as well. Therefore, I am proficient in CPR and First Aid. As the daughter of a doctor and a dietitian, I know how to make delicious and nutritious snacks. I love playing dress-up or cops and robbers, and I'm not scared of changing diapers. I learned how to read at a young age, and I would read to your child on a daily basis to improve their young, impressionable minds. What's more, because I am so young, I'm not burnt out on child-rearing. I could happily do this for ten or so years without tiring. Just look at me loving on this baby!



Also, I am a firm believer that caring for someone else's child is the best form of personal birth control. So you can bet your bottom dollar that I'm not going to get knocked up on the job and have to take a leave of absence. 


Besides the fundamentals that you would want your caretaker to have, I also have some intangibles you may be interested in. I have that balance of being up to date with current pop culture without being obsessed or star-struck (I will admit, there was one night where I lapsed and stalked Usher's tour bus, but that was a one-time thing and it won't happen again). I know how important your privacy is, and I would not compromise that trust or the safety of your family for any front page feature on People magazine- never in a million years! 


Also, I'm compulsively organized. Ask anyone who knows me- my planner is the closest thing I have to a child. I would happily take it upon myself to keep track of both of your personal schedules. I assume you each have personal assistants, and in that case I would collaborate with them to make sure it is possible for each of you to make time for some quality cuddling with your offspring. May I suggest a color-coded "Mom's Ultimate Family Organizer"? They really are the shit.



Finally, and I don't want this to sound like I'm bragging, but it has to be said: I am a lot of fun. With me, your child will experience the magic of robot ponies, karaoke nights, and trips to take his/her picture with Santa- with the household pets too. I will make sure your child learns how to ride a bike at a respectable age (unlike I did) and takes dance classes for at least six years (I doubt I really have to worry about that with you though, B). I will also teach him or her how to hula hoop.




I will take care of all your pets, even if they are donkeys... or worse, cats.





If it's a boy, I will protect him from the Kim Kardashians and Selena Gomezes of the world; if it's a girl, I guarantee you she will never be Paris's BFF. Most importantly, I will never put him or her on a leash. That's just cruel.




In short, I am already committed to this job. I will dedicate myself and my personal life to you, and I will do a damn good job of raising your child. I hope that we can set up an in-person interview so that we can make sure we are a good fit, which I have no doubt we will be. 


So pick me. Choose me. Love me.


Looking forward to hearing from you!




Kristen M Geil, Nanny Extraordinaire




An Open Letter to Rihanna

Posted by Kristen Geil on October 30, 2011 at 2:40 PM Comments comments (1)

Dear Rihanna,


You're scaring me. I realize this sounds a little melodramatic, but it's true. Your evolving actions over the past six years or so have started to be more and more worrisome to me. As a concerned citizen, I feel it is my duty to host a one-woman intervention in the form of a blog post that you will probably never read. But hey, at least I tried.


When we first met you in 2005, you were a Barbadian bombshell with some catchy reggae-inspired tunes. But apparently the crazy pop star life has changed you, because now you are a public S&M advocate with more leather in your wardrobe than Cat Woman. 



It started out innocently enough, with a little sass and double-entendres in that stupidly catchy song "Rude Boy." Then, you quickly escalated into the song "S&M," which is nothing if not overt (the Britney Spears remix was a nice touch). 


But really, things have come to a head with your new video for "We Found Love." I feel like I just watched your own personal version of Requiem For A Dream, with Sisqo as your co-star. Wikipedia agrees with me- they have quite a lengthy article about this video (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We_Found_Love).


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As much as I love your American flag get-up, it doesn't stop my motherly instincts from kicking in (yeah, I didn't know I had those instincts either). First of all, who is this hooligan abusing you and tattooing "MINE" on your ass? Besides putting you at risk for all kinds of hepititis and AIDS, do you really want that ink when you're 65 (in addition to your other 13 tattoos?)? The boy doesn't seem to be treating you well, and what kind of message are you sending to your fans with this depiction? Although, I guess it is somewhat empowering that you ditch him in the end. 


Also- the promiscuity. With all the drugs you seem to be ingesting, you're probably too messed up to consider using proection. I don't think you're quite ready for stretch marks across your six-pack, are you? A baby at this point in your life could really cramp your style- you're only 23, honey. 


With the content of this video, I was already nervous about your mental state. Then I heard you did a song with Coldplay, and I thought, "Good for her! They're a nice, wholesome band. It'll do her some good to collaborate with him." And while I do like the song "Princess of China," I have to wonder if it's only adding to your delusions. I hate to burst your bubble, but I really don't think you could have been a princess or lived in a castle. That kind of stuff occurs once in a generation, and in case you didn't hear, Kate Middleton already happened this year. But then again, you're not a commoner, so maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion. 


I realize that you may be acting out as a result of your abuse at the hands of Chris Brown. But for goodness sake, you have more money than you know what to do with. You could have the best psychotherapist, hypnotist, or life coach in the world. Why not recover from a traumatic relationship in a more conventional, less public way? Get a puppy, dye your hair another sassy color, or join a nunnery for a month. But the psychotropic drugs need to stop. 


I hope you don't think I'm being paranoid or overly nosy. I'm just concerned. Anytime a young pop star is publicly scolded by an Irish farmer for baring her breasts in a field of sheep- I see it as a red flag. But I'm here for you, and I hope this is just a phase in your long, illustrious career. Good luck, girlfriend.


Love, Kristen


An Attempt to One-Up SHARK WEEK!

Posted by Ally Tucker on August 5, 2011 at 3:50 PM Comments comments (0)


I don't know if you've heard about this little thing on the Discovery Channel or not.... it's called SHARK WEEK! Apparently this week long celebration/attempt to scare the shit out of you next time you go on a family vacation, has been going on for quite some time now. I had never heard of it until last summer. Seeing as Shark Week always comes during the most busy time of the year for me, the beginning of soccer season (oh wait, soccer season never ends....silly me!), I never so much as watched a minute of it.... 

Until this year...





It's safe to say that I am now full-blown obsessed with Shark Week. I actually had to go camping for 3 days this week and literally deleted half of the shows on my DVR (don't worry...I will never delete the USA vs. Brazil Women's World Cup game) to make room to tape some real winners while I was gone such as "Rogue Sharks" and "Sharks After Dark." Consider me a shot-gun calling bandwagon Shark Week fan now. #LongHairDontCare

As awesome as sharks are (and seriously...how cool are they? I am not sure if I want to BE A SHARK or get killed by a shark someday--oooohhh the glory!), I got to thinking about how bad ass they are for getting an entire week dedicated to them on the Discovery Channel. I mean these sharks get like 10+ hours of face-time every day. Even if I wanted to Keep Up With the Kardashians that many hours a day, I couldn't. But why do sharks have the monopoly on having a whole week dedicated to them? Yeah, they are pretty much the scariest creature on earth. Yeah, they kill kids. Yeah, they eat Seals like they are Pringles. But there are some other pretty scary things in this world that don't have a whole week dedicated to them. Maybe some other scary things deserve their own week. 

So what if next year instead of Shark Week they went a different direction?




I plan to pitch the following options to the Discovery Channel for next year.... wish me luck!!!



"HITLER WEEK!"


You wanna talk about scary? Adolf Hitler kind of has the monopoly on the scary factor when it comes to 1 person evoking nothing but fear whenever his name is spoken. The Discovery Channel could easily fill a week's worth of shows based on the awful, awful things that this man did in his lifetime. Think about how many movies and documentaries have been made about this little fireball of scary-ness. Hell, Schindler's List could be shown and that would only leave only 6 days to fill with other stuff. 


STD Week!



STD's are scary. I just google imaged the word and needed to step away from my computer for 20 minutes to recover. You think sharks scare people? Just run a non-stop slideshow of images of STD's on the Discovery Channel for a week straight. I guarantee you people would stop having unprotected sex....or they'd at least stop having unprotected sex with the trio of ladies shown above. 


"What If Snooki Was Your Mom Week?!"


(This picture never gets old...)

You want to make kids realize how great they have it with their parents (however bad they think they are) for a week? Let them watch Snooki 24 hours a day. Oh wait, they already can do that? Oh crap....I just remembered that MTV has already called dibs on that idea. Well played, MTV. You beat me to the punch.


"What if Lindsey Lohan was your Daughter Week?!"




Don't think that we only want kids to realize how good they have it for a week. Parents need to thank the man above that their child is not Lindsey Lohan as well. Parents, maybe you should pat your kids on the back for catching them "Sexting." After all, it could be much worse....



"What if Michael Vick was Your Owner Week?!"




We took care of scaring the kids. Took care of scaring the parents. Don't think we forgot about the pets. There is nothing scarier for a dog than having to watch anything about Michael Vick.

On a more serious note, don't ever google imagine "Michael Vick dogs." What he did to those dogs is sickening and tragic and anyone who thinks that he deserves an ounce of sympathy or forgiveness for what he did---seriously-- look at the images. Sick, sick man. He will get you some fantasy football points though. I speak from experience. He still sickens me though.


Infected Piercings Week!




Even thinking about getting anything other than my earlobe pierced gives me the chills. Honestly, I've seen/heard of way too many "piercings gone wrong" stories. I'm pretty sure they could fill a week's worth of shows about "True Life Stories" of people and their infected piercings. I'd rather swim in the Panhandle at dusk or dawn (thanks for the heads up Shark Week) than go into a parlor and get a belly button piercing. No thanks! I don't even need a week of images and stories to keep me away from it. You're welcome Mom for not giving you that surprise when I came home from high school spring break in Panama City. No piercings for this kid!


Casey Anthony Week! 


Ah, nevermind. I forgot that July was Casey Anthony Month. Been there, done that. 


Rally's Fast Food Week!


A picture is worth a thousand words. Or calories. All fast food is essentially bad for you, but something about Rally's just takes it to another level. 


Teen Pregnancy Week!




Damn you, MTV!  Damn you and your 2-day long marathons of the same 4 shows in rotation! You've already taken all of my good ideas....


(quietly the best one on the whole show....)



Walk the Plank

Posted by Kristen Geil on July 6, 2011 at 12:20 AM Comments comments (1)

A couple of weeks ago, I started noticing various forms of the word "plank" on my social media outlets. Whenever I see a new word or phrase I don't recognize on Twitter or Facebook, I do what any normal person does. I go straight to UrbanDictionary.com and look it up. So, according to the venerable reference site...


 

Planking

To plank. To lay horizontally in a strange or unusual place. To plank you must lay horizontally straighten your body and point your fingers and toes down (towards your feet), then you must name your "plank" and post a picture of the creator (of the plank) performing the pose on Facebook.

 

Planking is a great pastime for people who get bored easily and have friends willing to take pictures of them looking like retards. Public planking is more adventurous and is harder to pull off especially on things like: cop cars, public toilets, and in the middle of six way highways.

 

Planking can also be dangerous if performed: in places of frequent use, the tops of tall buildings and placed frequented by pedophiles and rapists.


While this explained the basic foundation of planking, it still doesn't satisfy the question of, "Why is this funny?" At least, not for me. I have a few problems with this trend. 


1. Most people plank between counters, on tables, and other basically horizontal places. That's not hard. It's not even interesting.



This doesn't take any great skill or daring. For the most part, these types of pictures could be taken anywhere, and it gets old to see them in tweet after tweet. Planking on a fast food counter? Funny the first time, maybe. Second time, my milkshake is getting poured on your back. Give it up.


Other examples of this involve planking across a chair, planking between two railings of significant size, and planking on the floor (News flash: That's not planking. That's just lying down, or if you're an alcoholic, passing out in a public place. Not photo-worthy).


One feat that I have seen multiple times is someone planking across a police car. In some cases, the Planker even made it across two police cars.


While at first glance this may seem unique, even daring, I doubt it is after it's been done more than a couple times. At this point in the trend, I bet police officers don't even really care about it anymore. What are they going to do besides yell at you to get off their car? You're not going to get arrested, unless you're really stupid about it. (Please note that here I wanted to insert some sort of Hallye Griffin/"Miss, please get off the horse" joke but wasn't sure how to go about it)



2. Planking at a landmark of sorts.


So as a graduation present, your parents sent you off on a two month backpacking trip through Europe. Lucky you! You're going to see some really cool things. Naturally, your digital camera is always at the forefront of your fanny pack, because your parents told you the only souvenir they wanted was pictures of you at famous locations. Easy enough. You get to the Eiffel Tower and realize, "Hey, everyone else is taking the same picture with the same boring pose. What can I do to spice it up a bit?" PLANK, OBVIOUSLY!



No. This is just dumb. Your parents will be upset. You'll be annoyed in a few years when it's the only evidence you have of your two month binge drinking journey through Europe. 


3. In most planking pictures, you can't even tell who the Plank is. 


For instance, that picture of the guy planking on the fast food counter I used above? Dwight Howard. But you wouldn't know unless you were way too big a NBA fan. And this guy?



Chris Brown. Even I, his betrothed, had to take a few minutes before confirming that that was indeed my sweetheart. 


My contention here is, why take a picture of you doing something (in your mind) outrageously funny or cool when you can't even tell it's you? Pointless.



To close my case, I present a few pictures of planks that I find extraordinarily stupid.

Eww. Gross.


Unimpressive.


Child abuse.


This is apparently Gilbert Arenas (NBA player). A) You can't tell. B) His form is horrible.



In all fairness, I have seen a few plank pictures that are impressive to me. Some I only appreciate for their gymnastic value, not because it's a plank but just because, "Hey, it must have been hard to situate yourself that way. Decent."


I'll let the form slip because it's a guy balancing on two people's heads... and they don't appear to be in Cirque Du Soleil.


Some, I reluctantly admire for the "How in the f--- did you get up there?"

I like this one because as a vertically challenged person, I can never reach the overhead bins, let alone plank in them.


Really? REALLY?


Side note- I feel like this says something about America's problem with being sedentary. We may be motivated enough to somehow climb to the top of a McDonald's (!) sign, but once we get there we just want to lie down. Oh, the irony.


What can I say, I like camels. They're notoriously grumpy and prone to spitting, so more power to this guy.


This just looks terrifying.


Finally, from what I hear, planking can get pretty dangerous. Apparently a guy in Australia died after trying to plank on a rooftop and falling seven stories to his death.





So, readers, let me know what you think. Am I missing some crucial bit about planking that would convince me of its humor value? Help me understand. Until then, I'm refusing to walk the plank.