The Rumour Mill, the place where you can catch up with the latest talk on whos coming in, whos going out and who has no idea whats going on.  

Rumour 1: Recent successes fuel takeover talk for Wonders

Following J.R.'s One Shot Wonders domineering form in Division One this season, a sudden wave of malicious rumour has swept through the club concerning a speculated takeover by overseas investors. Akin to many premiership clubs this season including West Ham and Liverpool, the speculation has been reported to have sparked unrest within the team, causing fierce divisions in a once united 5-a-side phenomenon. Several members of the team including Team Captain Chambers and Website Editor Dan Boulton were reported to have been overjoyed by the news, apparently believing that such investment would result in them being paid and being given a private jet. The fiercest souce of opposition however has come from current club Chairman J.R. Dean, who is frightened that such a move would result in the teams name being changed. The Chairman has been reported as saying that 'if they take the J.R.'s out of the name, they're asking for a slap'. Such strong words are likely to lead to a conflict between the opposing forces in the club, possibly resulting in a splitting of the team in two, much like the situation that arose from the American takeover of Manchester United last year. So what does the future hold? Will this disturbance result in the end of J.R.'s One Shot Wonders as the team we know and love? Will this situation result in the collapse of the Wonders so far successful season? 

Rumour 2: New activity on website sparks 'resurrection' fears

In news this week, the recent surge of activity on the J.R.'s One Shot Wonders website has lead to talk of a zombie rampage! How so? Well, the status of the website as having no new material for nigh on 5 months had sparked rumours that website editor and self-proclaimed 'ultra-nerd' Dan Boulton, who previously devoted the majority of his time to the website, had perished in unknown circumstances. Why such a radical conclusion from the legions of One Shot fans around the globe? Because Dan is well known to spend most of his free-time in his room with only a computer and the glorious dreams of J.R.'s international glory at his disposal, it was only logical that he had ceased to exist, as why else would he let his life's work fall into such disparaging sterility, when the team continues to dominate the heady heights of Thornbury 2nd division 5-a-side football?!

Then, shockingly, with funeral plans already in full flow, the website suddenly sprang back into life, and questions stumbled out of gaping mouths. How could it be so, Dan leaving it for all this time, and suddenly retaking the mantle of website forerunner in a blaze of rumour mill based self-deprecation, when surely he be sleeping in worm-ridden darkness? The only explanation, so it seems, could be that Dan, re-awoken from the throes of death by the forces of what can only be described as pure evil, has re-entered the world as a zombie, whose only purpose is to write match reports and torment the living in a quest to spread Wonder's fuelled world domination! Worried commentators, possessed by the malicious force of rumour, soon began to pass controversial comment. Could it be that Dan's inevitable revival is the start of an international phenomenon of 'resurrection', where amateur teenage website editors all over the world will return from the dead, to finally meet in a ghostly chat room of other-worldly local football debate? Or something much worse, a full-scale zombie rebellion, spelling the end of the world for the intrepid human race?! 

Conclusion: Unfortunately for all you radical communists and terrorists out there, the return of your favourite website does not represent a full-scale rebellion against civilization as we know it. And all the DIY psychics proclaiming 'I knew it! I knew it!' at news of inter-dimensional zombie rampage will too be disappointed, as for the moment this is sadly not the case. What the appearance of these fresh new words on your screen merely indicate is that Dan has taken a renewed interest in the Wonder's web presence, and was never dead, but in fact was simply dispirited with the website he had so fondly nurtured. But no longer, for I'm back, and better than ever! Cue fireworks........... 

Rumour 1: Ash Higgins to join club despite not meeting age requirements

There has been speculation amongst the existing members of the team, Dan, Arron, James and Ash, that young Ash Higgins should join the club in reaction to a severe shortage of good players and the need for money to pay the league fees at the start of the season. The desperate measure could come despite Higgins not meeting the minimum age for the league which concerns insurance of the players.

Conclusion: It's possible this rumour could come true, but remember if it does, don't tell the leisure centre.

Rumour 2: Mickey C and Youngy to be stolen from the GerryHatttricks, who have folded

In a bid to bring quality and experience into the team, Chairman J.R. and Team Captain Chambers have suggested the team bring in the two players who were an integral part of Division 1 highflyers GerryHattricks good performances before the team folded. The players are known to the team through the Thursday night friendlies ( 8pm to 9pm-Thornbury Leisure Centre Main Hall- Matches open to public audience) and through the Olveston Football Club. The team is enthusiastic about the signing of Mickey C and Youngy, as they push to enhance the squad before the new seasons starts.

Conclusion: Rumour Mill is doubtful that the signing will be completed due to two things:

1. Why would they want to play for a bunch of kids who can't even get a round in after the game?
2. Who would want to play for a team who have a goal difference of minus 35!!??

Rumour 3: Speculation over Dan's place in team after drugs reportedly found in GCSE result

Dan looks to be leaving the team after a rumour was started that the ink on his GSCE results was laced with a high concentration of Cocaine. The rumour stated that Dan's high amount of A stars was merely a cover, the extra ink necessary for the stars leaving oppurtunity for more drugs to be supplied to the reported addict. An investigation has been started into the examinations board and Dan is due to take a drugs test.

Conclusion: Dan will not be leaving the team. It has been discovered that the above mentioned rumour was started by Chairman J.R. Dean in a veiled attempt to get Dan booted out of the team. The Chairman was angered by the high amount of goals he let in and blamed it on Dan. The rumour was backed up by Captain Chambers and several other team members, but the conspiracy was unravelled when James accidentally told Dan in a text message that was meant for somebody else.

Rumour 4: Reported influx of local talent to boost team


A recent rumour has suggested that local players such as Alan Chaplain and Clint are due to be signed onto the team. The move would come as the team look to bring in cover for the goalkeeping position and also to bring some organization to a team which has had a disappointing start to it's existence.

Conclusion: Possible, although the result will depend largely on how big a hangover the player's have on the Sunday morning, in which case a resulting poor excuse will likely lead to them not showing up.

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