Treasures In Heaven

Ethan Means Endurance

When my husband and I were trying to conceive, I prayed for another child according to God's will. I found myself fearfully pleading, because I had miscarriages. Oh please, God, please! Let me have a healthy child. I can not bear losing another child. I can't handle that. I'm not strong enough.Perhaps I'd die or go crazy. Now I wonder if that is the reason for what came to be.

Two months later, I missed my period. My husband and I bought a pregnancy test. Sure enough it was positive. I was filled with excitement. I tried to chase my worries away with thoughts of my son, A.J. He was born healthy. My doctor had me take baby aspirin. It had been determined that my miscarriages were due to antibodies in my blood that passed to the baby.

One night early in my pregnancy, I was restless. I felt an urgency to name my baby. I prayed to God to help me know what it should be. I looked through my name books I got stuck on the name Ethan. I felt way down inside that was the one. I prayed again for confirmation. My husband and I always had a hard time agreeing on names. If he liked it, I would know without a doubt that's what God wanted us to name our baby and it was so. Ethan means enduring; firm. It gave me hope that everything would be okay.

When I was five months pregnant, a blood test came back positive for Trisomy 18, a chromosome disorder. My doctor said it was possible, but not definite. I didn't understand what all this meant. Then I was informed that my baby may not be viable. I saw a few specialists and had several ultra sounds. Possible quickly changed to likely.

When something like this happens, everything becomes surreal. I felt beside myself as if I was watching it happen to somebody else. An amniocentesis was recommended. I decided that it would be best to wait. I felt that it would be more reliable to have physical examination and blood tests after he was born. Besides I didn't want to have termination discussions. I didn't even want to think about it. I knew that it was not an option for me.

Ethan was born March 12, 2004 by c-section. When he was born I heard his weak cry and saw his little blue body as the nurse ran him out of the room. When I was in recovery they brought Ethan to me. His doctor started to tell me what he had found in his examination. Like a list of what was wrong with my baby. I think I may have heard the first three words he said as I took hold of Ethan's little hand and tried to look at Ethan's face. Everything else faded away. All sounds disappeared. It seemed like there was a white cloud around us. All I could see was part of Ethan's face and his hand in mine. Then they took him to the children's hospital (it was next to the one I was in).

That night I was confined to the hospital bed because, I still had numbness in my legs from the spinal block I received before surgery. I had found myself alone and I felt strange. My son A.J. was with family and friends. (1st night we had been apart) Ethan was at the other hospital. My mothering instinct was kicking into high gear. I felt torn and broken. My newborn baby I could not take care of. I had not even held him in my arms yet. I felt that A.J. needed me the most he had ever needed me. I could not be there to comfort him. How confusing this all must be! I know he could feel the tension in the air. Do you know how hard it is to explain life and death to a two year old through something you really don't understand yourself? A.J asked many questions I didn't know how to answer.

When Ethan was three days old, it was confirmed that death was inevitable. He had trisomy 13. The medical team went on and on explaining the situation (at least it seemed). I just wanted them to shut up. I didn't want to hear it. All hope was gone. I was forced to face the fact that my son destiny was to die.

It's hard to accept. It felt like I had to give up. That's not easy for me. After a few days with my son seeing him in pain and struggling to hold on to life. I couldn't take it any longer. I asked myself... What I am doing? Am I doing the will of my father? Like a slap across the face. It became clear what I had to do. Let God's will be done. It is hard to explain what it feels like when you face the realization that the only way to help your son is to let him go.

I told my husband how I felt and that it was time. We informed our family and friends that we would be taking him off life support. We encourage those who want to see him and say good-bye to do so. My husband and I gave the ok to the doctor to stop medication and take him off the respirator. On March 23, 2004 at 5:30 pm Ethan passed away. I lost yet another child. I didn't die nor did I go crazy.

Everyone kept telling me that I was strong, but I don't understand what they saw. It wasn't I, for I've never felt so weak. It must have been God carrying me that they saw. Some of those days I don't know how I got up out of bed. I don't know how I put one foot in front of the other. Even still, on most days I feel weak. I look back on the name Ethan. Enduring? Was God trying to tell me something?

Through it all, I did learned about enduring and strength. Probably not what you think either. I didn't find "my" personal strength. The opposite is true. I am weak, but that's ok. It doesn't matter how strong I am or if I can handle it or not. God is strong. He can handle it. Deep inside I keep hearing "God is enough!" You know I don't need anything else but God. When I think of Ethan I close my eyes and I can feel God holding me.

Looking back, I'm amazed how in 11 days Ethan did so much without saying a word. Watching how people were moved by Ethan reminded me how every life has a purpose, and how easily we affect one another.

Scriptures for thought

"I cry out to God most high, to God, who fulfills his purpose, for me." ~Psalm 57:2~

"Listen to me, Oh house of Jacob, all you who remain of the house of Israel, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." ~Isaiah 46:3-4~

"Three times I pleaded with the lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~2Corinthians 12:8-10~

These scriptures have become very real to me. They are very meaningful because of what I have been through. They have given me a little more understanding of the term... "The Living Word"

It's about learning how to have joy in all things even the bad. Isn't God the one who gives faith? How do you think he does that? Through out my life, God has been there. I know because I have felt his presence.

Ethan Chance 3/12/04 - 3/23/04

Treasures In Heaven Dealing with child loss
	Ethan Means Endurance When my husband and I were trying to conceive, I prayed for another child according to God's will. I found myself fearfully pleading, because I had miscarriages. Oh please, God, please! Let me have a healthy child. I can not bear losing another child. I can't handle that. I'm not strong enough.Perhaps I'd die or go crazy. Now I wonder if that is the reason for what came to be. Two months later, I missed my period. My husband and I bought a pregnancy test. Sure enough it was positive. I was filled with excitement. I tried to chase my worries away with thoughts of my son, A.J. He was born healthy. My doctor had me take baby aspirin. It had been determined that my miscarriages were due to antibodies in my blood that passed to the baby. One night early in my pregnancy, I was restless. I felt an urgency to name my baby. I prayed to God to help me know what it should be. I looked through my name books I got stuck on the name Ethan. I felt way down inside that was the one. I prayed again for confirmation. My husband and I always had a hard time agreeing on names. If he liked it, I would know without a doubt that's what God wanted us to name our baby and it was so. Ethan means enduring; firm. It gave me hope that everything would be okay. When I was five months pregnant, a blood test came back positive for Trisomy 18, a chromosome disorder. My doctor said it was possible, but not definite. I didn't understand what all this meant. Then I was informed that my baby may not be viable. I saw a few specialists and had several ultra sounds. Possible quickly changed to likely. When something like this happens, everything becomes surreal. I felt beside myself as if I was watching it happen to somebody else. An amniocentesis was recommended. I decided that it would be best to wait. I felt that it would be more reliable to have physical examination and blood tests after he was born. Besides I didn't want to have termination discussions. I didn't even want to think about it. I knew that it was not an option for me. Ethan was born March 12, 2004 by c-section. When he was born I heard his weak cry and saw his little blue body as the nurse ran him out of the room. When I was in recovery they brought Ethan to me. His doctor started to tell me what he had found in his examination. Like a list of what was wrong with my baby. I think I may have heard the first three words he said as I took hold of Ethan's little hand and tried to look at Ethan's face. Everything else faded away. All sounds disappeared. It seemed like there was a white cloud around us. All I could see was part of Ethan's face and his hand in mine. Then they took him to the children's hospital (it was next to the one I was in). That night I was confined to the hospital bed because, I still had numbness in my legs from the spinal block I received before surgery. I had found myself alone and I felt strange. My son A.J. was with family and friends. (1st night we had been apart) Ethan was at the other hospital. My mothering instinct was kicking into high gear. I felt torn and broken. My newborn baby I could not take care of. I had not even held him in my arms yet. I felt that A.J. needed me the most he had ever needed me. I could not be there to comfort him. How confusing this all must be! I know he could feel the tension in the air. Do you know how hard it is to explain life and death to a two year old through something you really don't understand yourself? A.J asked many questions I didn't know how to answer. When Ethan was three days old, it was confirmed that death was inevitable. He had trisomy 13. The medical team went on and on explaining the situation (at least it seemed). I just wanted them to shut up. I didn't want to hear it. All hope was gone. I was forced to face the fact that my son destiny was to die. It's hard to accept. It felt like I had to give up. That's not easy for me. After a few days with my son seeing him in pain and struggling to hold on to life. I couldn't take it any longer. I asked myself... What I am doing? Am I doing the will of my father? Like a slap across the face. It became clear what I had to do. Let God's will be done. It is hard to explain what it feels like when you face the realization that the only way to help your son is to let him go. I told my husband how I felt and that it was time. We informed our family and friends that we would be taking him off life support. We encourage those who want to see him and say good-bye to do so. My husband and I gave the ok to the doctor to stop medication and take him off the respirator. On March 23, 2004 at 5:30 pm Ethan passed away. I lost yet another child. I didn't die nor did I go crazy. Everyone kept telling me that I was strong, but I don't understand what they saw. It wasn't I, for I've never felt so weak. It must have been God carrying me that they saw. Some of those days I don't know how I got up out of bed. I don't know how I put one foot in front of the other. Even still, on most days I feel weak. I look back on the name Ethan. Enduring? Was God trying to tell me something? Through it all, I did learned about enduring and strength. Probably not what you think either. I didn't find "my" personal strength. The opposite is true. I am weak, but that's ok. It doesn't matter how strong I am or if I can handle it or not. God is strong. He can handle it. Deep inside I keep hearing "God is enough!" You know I don't need anything else but God. When I think of Ethan I close my eyes and I can feel God holding me. Looking back, I'm amazed how in 11 days Ethan did so much without saying a word. Watching how people were moved by Ethan reminded me how every life has a purpose, and how easily we affect one another. Scriptures for thought "I cry out to God most high, to God, who fulfills his purpose, for me." ~Psalm 57:2~ "Listen to me, Oh house of Jacob, all you who remain of the house of Israel, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." ~Isaiah 46:3-4~ "Three times I pleaded with the lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~2Corinthians 12:8-10~ These scriptures have become very real to me. They are very meaningful because of what I have been through. They have given me a little more understanding of the term... "The Living Word" It's about learning how to have joy in all things even the bad. Isn't God the one who gives faith? How do you think he does that? Through out my life, God has been there. I know because I have felt his presence. ©2007~MELISSA~

Dealing with child loss