Big George McShrekage – Huge green-eyed monster who lives up to his polloks in a murky swamp of hatred. Guards his fiefdom (the local community centre) with equal amounts of mud-slinging and toothless but terrifying grins. Hates other fictional characters trespassing into his territory. Recently seen in the company of many of Lord Fartpants elite republican guard (aka The Black Watch). He is a Fartpants loyalist

Donkeith - Noble steed and sidekick to McShrekage & Lord Fartpants. Not originally a native of the swamp, he arrived at Crookston Castle via Clydebank and London. Queen’s Councillor to Lord Fartpants. He will accompany McShrekage to Aberdeen to carry out the hit on Princess Fiona.

Lord Fartpants – After speculation about his private life in the press he has recently taken to carry with him at all times his trusty sword of truth and shield of justice. Formerly known as plain old Tommy Shedhispants before succumbing to his own delusions of grandeur and assuming the Lairdship of Bollocks. Resides in the enormous Crookston Castle. Wears ladies underwear and high heels to compensate for a severe Oedipal Complex.

Princess Fiona – aka ‘Good Time McGuire’ - The grassing green ogre from the Granite City. Has been known to grind her heels into the bare chests of her male admirers (surely customers? - ed.) and blow-off other party-goers with her high-pitched screams of pleasure.

Dragon Rowan – Guards Princess Fiona with all the ferocious zeal of a pimp that would sell his granny to the News of the Screws. Speculation persists of  an ambivalent relationship with Donkeith but until now no evidence has surfaced.

The Muffin Man – gives a whole new meaning to the word ‘muffin’ (see Princess Fiona). Known to be very cunning-lingus.

Kevin Gingerhashcakeman – Once a loyal servant of Lord Shathispants, The Hashcakeman will blow with…well, he will blow with whoever will give him a shot from their hashpipe. Tortured by Fartpants in the dungeons of Crookston Castle, he grassed up the Muffin Man for licking Anvar’s red leather gloves.

Lady Carolyn Snowhite – The fairest maiden of them all with a better natural suntan and a higher forehead than even Lord Fartpants' bald patch suggests. She is Tommy Shedhispants' nemesis. Lives with the McSeven-Shades-of-Socialism in a small but pretentious Ł400million parliament building deep in the forest of Holyrood.

Alan McSeven-Shades-of-Scottish-Socialism – Former mentor and personal tutor of Lord Fartpants before the anointed one got too big for his high-heeled, thigh-high boots. Was happy to stay in the background until Fartpants’ secret liaisons with Princess Fiona were revealed by Duncan the Dragon. Now digging deep in the Holyrood Forest for more information on Shedshispants in order to secure the empire for himself and his fragrant Lady Snowhite.

Queen Alice & King Donald – Not appearing until Shrekage 2. Disrespectively the parent and guardian of Fartpants. They defend every utterance and action of His Lordship. Can’t see past the end of their own noses. The eccentric Queen Alice has been known to carry with her framed pictures of her princely son as she tours the kingdom in her ever-increasing dotage.  King Donald was formerly rumoured to have been a commander of the 'fartin terrorist' Army of Republican Scottish Englishmen (aka A.R.S.E.) until Queen Alice kissed him and he turned into royalty. Patronised by Fartpants he is quite frankly a daft old bastard who is irrelevant to the plot.