Alright kids, you know the drill. Click on a letter group below to be taken to the reviews.
The Menu
#ABC:
2001 Maniacs (2005):
"Despite being unarmed, Anderson fends off Buckman with a serving tray lid, a torch and even Nelson's severed head!"
Alone In The Dark (2005):
"[I]f Godzilla had a pet dog, it
would be this thing."
American Vampire (AKA: An American Vampire Story) (1997):
"[W]e
finally meet Dr. Ludving Van Helsingmeister, a.k.a The Big Kahuna (Adam
West... that's right kids, Batman is a vampire hunter!)."
Attack of the Monsters (1969):
"[Tom] has to punch Akio in the head to wake him up!"
Bloodrayne (2005):
"I don't think [Uwe Boll will] be accepting an award for best director anytime soon."
Bloody Movie (a.k.a.: Terror Night) (1987):
"This movie spoke to me. No, really it did. As I was perusing the used DVDs at the local GameStop, the name just called out to me, as if it knew I was searching for something with absolutely NO quality whatsoever. And I found it, because as soon as I picked up the case to look at the description on the back, it spoke to me, in big bold letters. It said:
WARNING: Gratuitous Michelle Bauer Nudity"
Bubba Ho-Tep (2002):
"Can a geriatric former rock singer and ex-president stop a 4,000 year old soul sucking mummy?"
Camp Slaughter (AKA: Camp Daze) (2005):
"Yes the 80's are in full swing at camp Hiawatha, and if (like us) you lived through it... THE HORROR! THE HORROR!"
Conan The Barbarian (1982):
"Forget Batman, Superman, X-Men, Spider-Man even Blade. THIS is the first "comic book" movie. It paved the way for a ton of imitators. However, like most things in life, Conan was often imitated but never duplicated (at least not in terms of success), and was also very much not a PC movie."
Creepshow (1982):
"[T]his
is obviously a labor of love from King and Romero. I think if anything
this movie was made more for them than it was for us."
The Crow (1994):
"Eric
discovers that he's pretty much invulnerable, and understands why he's
come back... ladies and gentlemen, it's time for some revenge."
DEF:
Dawn of the Dead (2004):
"The
whole neighborhood has gone straight to hell as her neighbors are being
chased by her other neighbors who don't look quite right. In fact they
look rather... dead."
Dead Alive (1992):
"[T]he final half hour of the film is where the gore is piled on so thick you could quite literally cut it with a knife."
Dead and Buried (1981):
"I came into this expecting a cheesy horror movie, instead I got a horror/suspense movie, and I was pleasantly surprised."
Destroy All Monsters (Kaijû sôshingeki) (1968):
"The monsters then turn their attention to their favorite stomping ground: Tokyo."
Destroy All Planets (Gamera tai uchu kaijû Bairasu) (1968):
"The aliens then tell Gamera to imitate that other large green individual whose name begins with G and start stomping the hell out of Tokyo."
Die You Zombie Bastards! (2005):
"[T]he whole time they're having this conversation Red is covered in blood and is holding a severed arm."
Escape From New York (1981):
"In other words, the island [of Manhattan] is like a roach motel, you check in, but you don't check out."
Evil Breed: The Legend Of Samhain (2003):
"[U]pon seeing
the names of four porn stars (Jenna Jameson, Ginger Lynn Allen, Chasey
Lain and Taylor Hayes) in the cast I dared to watch it if for no other
reason than the camp value. I wasn't disappointed. It was campy, it was
trashy, and it was one of the worst movies I've seen in a long time."
Friday The 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988):
"This is the only film in the franchise in which more attempts are made to kill Jason than in any of the other F13 movies. Often referred to as "Carrie vs. Jason", F13 Part 7, is nothing extraordinary. It's still a paint-by-numbers slasher flick..."
From Dusk Till Dawn (1996):
"[The movie] moves
quickly through the first hour, giving us time to meet the main
characters, and set up the premise, and then it lowers the boom in the
second half..."
GHI:
Gargoyle: Wings of Darkness (2004):
"[B]ecause we haven't seen it for at least 15-20 minutes, the gargoyle attacks! In broad daylight!"
Ghost Ship (2002):
"[T]hey're on a boat that's been sitting unattended for 40 years. Inside and out it's a typical wreck, rusted and decrepit."
Godzilla (1998):
"Godzilla isn't so much a bad movie as a whole, it's a handful of good scenes surrounded by a bad movie."
The Halfway House (2004):
"Now, this is your typical exploitation movie because there are three things that every exploitation movie needs. Naked chicks, monsters and messing around in the Occult. Did I mention naked chicks?"
Hard Rock Zombies (1985):
"[T]he old man reveals himself to be none other than Adolf Hitler!"
House of 1,000 Corpses (2003):
"Never tell Capt. Spaulding you hate clowns."
The House on Haunted Hill (1999):
"Steven reiterates the fact that they'll all get a million dollars each if they stay and survive the night in the house."
JKL:
Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988):
"Sometimes you know that a movie was made just because. This is such a movie."
Lake Placid (1999):
"[B]eing a Jaws ripoff, it already had one strike against it. [David] Kelly’s script was strike two. The horrid acting was strike three."
Last Action Hero (1993):
"[A]
magic movie ticket rockets a ten-year old boy into the movie world of
his favorite action star and he becomes part of the movie."
Little Shop of Horrors (1986):
"Considering the fact that the real star of the film is an animatronic plant, [Frank] Oz was a good choice to direct."
MNO:
Meet The Feebles (1989):
"I had said back in my review of Dead Alive "I just need to find Bad Taste and Meet The Feebles and I can die a happy man." Well, now I've got one foot in the grave because I finally own a copy of Meet The Feebles."
Monster From A Prehistoric Planet (Daikyojû Gappa) (1967):
"Finally at fifty minutes, Mr. & Mrs. Gappa make landfall in Tokyo and we get kaiju city stomping action! Ten solid minutes of two people in monster suits stomping on a very obvious set."
Mortal Kombat (1995):
"[I]n order for the Emperor of Outworld to enter the realm of Earth (which he wishes to enslave and conquer), Shang Tsung must win ten straight Mortal Kombat tournaments... and he's won nine..."
The Mummy (1999):
"The Mummy is
not a horror movie, it's an action movie. Sure, the idea of waking up a
3000 year old mummy with supernatural powers that is out to kill the
people who woke it up the stuff of nightmares..."
Mutant (1984):
"I don't know if it's the worst movie Wings Hauser ever made, but it's certainly near the bottom of the barrel."
PQR:
Reign In Darkness (2002):
"[G]et used to the sound of Dolen's droll monotone, because you're going to be hearing it for the entire fucking movie!"
Resident Evil (2002):
"[T]he computer goes all HAL 9000, shutting down the entire complex and realizing that the virus is loose and kills everyone."
Resident Evil: Apocolypse (2004):
"I
could just say that a bunch of stuff happens involving all of our main
characters getting together and rushing towards the end of the movie..."
Room 6 (2006):
"[A] cameo by Kane Hodder! Even Jason Fucking Voorhees can't save this movie!"
STU:
Street Fighter II: The Animated Movie (1994):
"Ryu is staying with Honda at his mountaintop hut, where it all comes together. First Guile arrives, followed by Bison, Balrog and Ken. Ken attacks Ryu, Guile attacks Bison and Balrog tackles Honda."
Superman: The Movie (1978):
"What can I say? It's Superman..."
Tamara (2004):
"[T]he movie as
a whole may be a Frankenstein patchwork of ideas from other movies, but
it does have a couple of Genuinely Good Moments..."
Tremors (1990):
"Sometimes
movies sound good on paper and fall flat when it comes to execution.
Other times movies sound stupid on paper but somehow succeed when
they're actually brought to life. Tremors falls securely into the second category."
VWX:
Van Helsing (2004):
"So where exactly did Van Helsing go wrong? Between the beginning of the film and the closing credits, that's where."
Wolves of Wall Street (2002):
"For Gods sake [David] DeCouteau, if you're gonna make a werewolf movie... how about putting in some fucking werewolves?"
YZ: