To Spare you the sore finger on the mouse scrolling through the lot, here's the basic catagories of fwds for you:
True Stuff
Movies
Powerpoint Gems
Points To Ponder
Stuff & Nonsense!
Powerpoint Viewing
Really Rather Humbling! - Fwd: by LDS
Beyond our sun ... It's a big universe.
Antares is the 15th brightest star in the sky.
It is more than 1000 light years away.
Now TRY to wrap your mind around this ..
This is a Hubble Telescope Ultra Deep Field Infrared View of countless
'ENTIRE' Galaxies Billions of Light-Years Away.
Below is a close up of one of the darkest regions of the photo above.
Humbling, isn't it?
New discovery - Fwd: by LDS
Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands. Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women.
Various field tests have been carried out on the new design:
Julie from Hounslow:-
'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be'
Susan from Chelmsford added:-
'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle'
Hillary from Kent:-
'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one'
See below for picture of the design
MIND GAME - Fwd: by LDS
2% or 98%
This is strange...can you figure it out?
Are you the 2% or 98% of the population?
Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD!
* Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.
* There's no trick or surprise.
* Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at
a
time and as quickly as you can!
* Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until
you've done each of them ... really.
* Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something).
Think of a number from 1 to 10
Multiply that number 9
If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together
Now subtract 5
Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number
you
ended up with
(example: 1=a,
2=b, 3=c,etc.)
Think of a country that starts with that letter
Remember the last letter of the name of that country
Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter
Remember the last letter in the name of that animal
Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter
Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in
I told you this was FREAKY!! If not, you're among the 2% of the
population whose minds are different enough to think of something
else. 98% of people will answer with kangaroos in
this exercise.
Keep this message going. This one is actually worth sending on to
others. Forward it to people you know so they can find out if they are
usual or unusual.
Some Useless Information! - Fwd: by JB
If you broke wind for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
Drugs - Fwd: by JB
For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Brufen is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives
new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky breast and huge e*******s and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Cancel your credit cards before you die - Fwd: by LDS
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member : "So what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you --- the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew."
(Lawyer info given)
Citibank: " Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
For Those Who Work With Rude Customers - Fwd: by JB
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your
attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F**k You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) ................. "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
How Well Do You Know Your Woman? - Fwd: by JB
much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so into the relationship he begins to stress about it; even
imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me 6 months ago"
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity (or who just love playing with words).... Fwd: by JB
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algaebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
32. Why is there an expiry date on sour cream?
33.Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Sex Fairy - Fwd: by JB
Click here for your powerpoint show.
Worlds Easiest Quiz - Fwd: by JB
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers
below.
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange [of course]
Me, too. (And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!) Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they can feel useless too.
Are you sitting Comfortably!! - - Fwd: by LDS
Next time you have a
bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation Diver for
Global Divers in
He performs underwater repairs on
offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She
then sent it to a radio station in
Needless to say, she won.
"G'day Sue,
Just
another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at
the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I
would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after
all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a
few technicalities of my job. As you know,
my office lies at the bottom of
the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the
water is quite cool. So what we do to keep
warm is this:
We have a
diesel powered industrial 'water heater'. This $20,000 piece of equipment
sucks water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful
temperature. It then
pumps it down to the diver through a hose, which is taped to the side of the
suit. I've used it several times with no
complaints. What I do, when I get
to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back
of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working
in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my arse
started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things
worse.
Within a few seconds my arse started to burn. I pulled the hose out
from my back, but the damage was already done. In agony I realized what had
happened.
The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick to it. However, the crack of my arse was not as fortunate.
When
I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my arse. I informed the dive supervisor of my
dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact
that he, along with five other divers, were all in fits of hysterical
laughter.
I was then instructed to make three agonizing in-water
compression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the
surface to begin my
chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the
surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the
water, the Medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a
tube of cream and told me to rub it on my arse as soon as I got into the
chamber.
Yes the cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poo for two days
because my arse was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at
work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved
up your bum.
Now repeat to yourself "I love my job, I love my job,
I love my job".
Tequila & Salt - Fwd: by JB
1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
So...........If you are a loving friend, send this to everyone including the one that sent it to you. If you get it back, then they really do love you.
And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt, and call me over!
Good friends are like stars........You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone.
Into the Frying Pan.... Fwd: by JB
Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flat mate than met the eye. Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon and I are just flatmates".
About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don’t suppose she took it do you?"
"Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said Paul.
He sat down and wrote:
DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY
HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT
REMAINS IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE PAUL
Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother that read:
DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING
THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS
SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT - Fwd: by AP
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and
rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight
attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out-rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."