Weirdness Abounds

Now for the BLUE! LLN book!!

Where were we… KILT Wearing hobbits! Yayness! Ich leibe es! [I love it]

“Ich swul leibe dich?” [I gay love you] whispered kilt wearing Elijah to Dominic. “Was?” [what] said Dominic “Shizer” [shit] cursed Elijah “I forgot you could speak German.”

Swul leibe all round! And mud fights! And Stevie Gerrard! NB- I must learn the German word for DUDE!

“Es ist soso, Ich swul leibe dich, zu!” [it’s okay, I gay love you too] Whispered Dominic “I’m married!” Elijah admitted “Chloe will understandon” [understand] *Elijah nodded*

Hey, I already forked out for your anniversary present! *Throws half wrapped German dictionary at Elijah*

“You can have both me and Dominic, if you want?” said Chloe brightly “That will make it interesting when you introduce us” *Pretends to be Elijah* “Hi, this is my wife talking to my boyfriend “ Elijah to Dominic “I think we should get her ‘schmutzig’ [dirty] in the mud, then she might shut up” Dominic to Elijah “Du hat ein schmutzig verruct” [you have a dirty mind] *Elijah winks*

Lauren *is disturbed* Das is doof! Du ist ein scheizen hausen! [translation unknown]

“Ist soso” said Chloe. Dominic “OMG, you can speak German too, Shizer” Under breath “Conversations are so not private here!”

Nein, aber du uber nett es *looks shifty* NO! I did not just confess my physical attraction to Dominic. *Shifty eyes*

*Dominic looks shocked* “O…M…F! Can everyone can speak German!?” Jonny Depp “Nein…” *Jonny has shifty eyes*

MWAHAHAHA! Wie als Deutcsh sprechen kann man! [we can all speak German] Anywho’s, lets get back to English! OMF! This is getting like a soap opera!

“Je detest soap operas!” [I don’t like soap operas] Sulked Dominic

Darn it! I don’t know any French but je’habite omledue fromage! [I live in a cheese omelette]

Elijah “Okay…” *Turns to Dominic* “Comment tu?” [how you]

“Uh…I’m swul, Hobbit. How about you?” says Dominic

“Ich Zu!” replied Elijah *Elijah and Dominic put an arm around each other as do Viggo and Orlando, me and Jonny Depp and Lauren and the reindeer. The others were listening to our Deuch conversation with rapt interest/disgust/curiosity and when German speakers make eye contact listeners look away as if can’t here them* “What are you listening for you can’t speak German” Dom says *Viggo sarcastically* “Sure we can’t”

Mein Gott! Der swul leibe ist nein langen! [My God! The gay love is no longer!]

“Warum?” [why?] *Dom and Elijah say in unison* “Wiesind swul leibe!”

You ‘are’ gay love?! As in you are gay love personified? I is confuddled!

Elijah “Nien, Wiesind swul” *Dom snakes a hand lower on Elijah’s back*

Public Displays of affection are not allowed here (unless between Small Green Dude and a fit dude)

Chloe “ Here, as in, in the dining room?” Dom “What about in a locked bedroom?” *Dom gives Elijah a knowing look*

I suppose that’s okay. As long as you take the lock off. *Knowing look at Chloe*

*Quizzical look from Elijah* Dom “Okay!” *Dom Grabs Elijah by the hand and drags him in the direction of the bedrooms* Viggo “You know there are hidden cameras in all of the bedrooms?” *Viggo winks* “I’ll send you both a copy!”

*Disturbed blinking*

“Okay” *Orlando from very high dive* “Look at me, Look at me…”

(Lauren to Orlando) Could you be anymore of an attention seeker? *Goes and pushes him off*

*Orlando splashes then surfaces* “Hey, I wasn’t ready!” *Orlando gets out and wraps his wet arms around Viggo who flinches* *Elijah and Dom return sweating, panting and……*

Farting. “Ew, that’s gross!” Orlando

“No, muddy” Jonny “You going blind Orlando?” Elijah “You know this skir…” *Sees your evil look* “…Er…k…il..t……kilt… It makes a nice a nice breeze waft around”

I will K…I…L…L…you if you say kilt like that again. And I like that breeze too! *Turns on wind machine* Tee Hee!

*Elijah as kilt blows up and he has to hold it down like Marilyn Monroe* “HEY!” *Muffled as kilt blows in his mouth* “I don’t like the breeze that much!” *I turn off the wind machine* “I don’t like looking at Elijah’s black cotton boxers that much! And you weren’t wearing underwear before, Lauren told you not to!” *Elijah has shifty eyes* “I told you I don’t like the breeze that much!” *Viggo wears a disgusted look* “Who’s are those boxer’s Elijah?”

“They are…..most definitely NOT Dominic’s” says Elijah *Shifty eyes* “Oh, I think Lauren’s dead.” says Dominic “I’m not dead, I’m just trying to comprehend how the swul Hobbit can possibly wear a kilt with UNDERWEAR!!!! *faint’s dramatically*

Elijah “Well it’s a good job and Lau……” *Notices you have fainted. Dom and Elijah throw you in the pool* *When you have been revived Elijah continues* “Lauren, where the heck did you get that wind machine from?”

It was in my underwear. It comes free with kilts. It’s for entertainment or at least it would be if you WEREN’T WEARING UNDERWEAR!

Elijah ”Fine, fine” *Elijah removes underwear and hands them to Dom as he rearranges the kilt and sporren” *Elijah points to sporren* “What’s this?”

(It’s the only thing that rhymes with my name) IT BE A SPORREN! It’s for putting stuff in. Like condoms and cheese!

Elijah “Why, would I want to put……” *Consults 6ft long list you just gave him*”Cheese in a s…s..por…re…sporren on my, no, Billy’s…k…er…kilt, yeah? Condom’s I understand” *Look’s in (Someone’s) general direction* “But…cheese…come on dude!?”

Because I said so! *Sends Elijah an evil glare (In the post [mail])*

*Consults the list again* “You’ve got everything but the kitchen SINK!……………No wait………there it is!”

Yes, along with marshmallows and glue. You have to prepared for every eventuality.

Dom “I don’t want know what happens if the scissors poke a hole in the kilt and sporren and the glue leaks and the matches accidentally light the glue……” *Elijah wears painful expression*

*Everyone winces* My mind is momentarily blank. Well, maybe a bit longer than momentarily…

Me “Duh, have you ever heard of a jock strap… or possibly… It’ll never happen all at once or in that order!….”

So you could just be pierced, glued or set on fire? Oh, that’s alright then!

Elijah *Sarcastically* “Well at least I’m forewarned but don’t tell me… there is also a risk that the mousetrap will snag something other than a mouse…………?” *Winces at painful imagery*

Okay I won’t tell you. *Puts a trap in sporren when he isn’t looking, wears an evil look similar to Catherine.*

*Elijah walks over to Viggo, dragging over packed sporren behind him* Elijah to Viggo “Does she have to stay so I can take this off?” *Indicating sporren* Viggo “You can take the kilt off as well then, too” *Elijah looks insulted* “I think not!” *Elijah storms away across the room, sporren making deep ruffles in the carpet*

Ach fine! You can take the damn kilt and sporren and put your normal clothes on. But only if you wear the flower of Scotland behind your ear.” Elijah “That’s okay! What is it?” Lauren “A thistle!” *Elijah storms off and we hear a lot of profanities from his direction*

*Dom and me help Elijah wrestle the kilt and sporren off, while you , Orlando and Viggo look in Viggo’s garden for a thistle*

Lauren “I’m back!” *Waves thistle in the air* “But Viggo and Orlando disappeared in the thistles and I have no idea what they’re up to!”

*Your voice echo’s around the empty room and you realise you can’t hear Elijah’s profanities or the struggle with the kilt and sporren*

OMF! OMF! Please tell me they have not run of to the bedroom! That would frazzle my brain and scar me for life!

“You never know” *The voice seems to come from nowhere* “Don’t worry, it’s just me!” *Jonny Depp emerges from under the table* “I lost my contact lens and now I’ve lost everyone else!”

You think you’ve got it bad!? I’ve lost everything but my sanity… oh no, ……there it goes……

Jonny “says you! You went with Viggo and Orlando and they disappeared right under your nose! At least I was occupied! *Viggo and Orlando emerge hand in hand from the garden with thistle’s in their hair* Jonny “Speak of the devil…” Viggo “…and he shall appear!” Lauren “Where’ve you been?” Orlando “We got side tracked” *Giggling drift in from a few rooms away*

OMF *Faints dramatically*

*Orlando revives you by pouring the contents of the punch bowl over your head, then the four of you go and find out WTF the giggling is about*

OMF! Please don’t let me see! Please don’t let me see! *Is pushed in direction of giggling* Oh My Frog! They’re……

*Viggo in stupid voice over voice* “Find out what are Dom, Chloe and Elijah are doing and where they are doing it in the next episode of…… LONG LONG NOTES!!!” *Voice ends*

Previous episode… OMF! THEY’RE…

*Lauren, Jonny, Orlando and Viggo follow the noise into the billiard room where Chloe, Elijah and Dom are engaged in……………………………….........................

A TICKLE FIGHT!* *Elijah giggles girlishly as I tickle his feet while he is pinned under Dom*

…*Stunned silence* Seriously, that’s uncool! You could have been…… Well! Doing other THINGS and instead you engage in A TICKLE FIGHT!!

Elijah through laughter “Well what have you been doing then?! *Elijah stands to emphasis the point (Too bad he’s small) Dom topples onto Chloe who was laughing uncontrollably, tears streaming down her face and rolling around on the floor* *Muffled* Chloe “OW!”

I’ve been losing myself in the thistles.

Chloe *Muffled from under Dominic* “SO why are Viggo and Orlando Sweating and panting, then?” Jonny “You tell me?” Elijah “How are we meant to know?!”

Uh, Do the words SWUL LEIBE [gay love] mean nothing to you?! Don’t try and fool us we know what you were doing earlier!

Dom “WHEN!?”

*Looks back in book…* ON THE FOURTH PAGE!!

Elijah “Well we are just friends with benefits!” *My Domlijah springs to mind*

Dominic *Is crushed Goes away to cry* Lauren gives Elijah a withering look. “I… Don’t… Like you! You made fit hobbit cry!”

Elijah “Oops!” *Faints from his stupidity onto me (Again, I am squished)*

What is with all the squishing?! *Dominic returns to say sorry to Elijah, finds him on the floor* “OMF! I killed him!” *Weeps*

I must warn you that it gets a bit soppy for a bit…

*Dominic’s eyes go red and puffy as he cradles Elijah’s head to his chest, weeping and silently whispering* “He’s dead… he’s dead… he’s dead…” *Elijah’s eyes flutter open, Quickly realises what Dom must think and… lets him continue stroking his fringe from his forehead, while a smile plays about his cherubic lips that have just been moistened by his darting tongue through slightly parted lips*

*Insane awwwwwww-ing* Dominic finds Elijah was faking death. “YOU BITCH!” *Slaps him*

*Elijah’s head is forced back to smack into the carpeted floor of the billiard room, red blood slowly staining the blue fluff.*

Dominic “OMF! I’ve actually killed him!” *Screams* Lauren - “Someone phone an ambulance! OMF! I’ve just remembered… I hate the sight of blood!” *Faints dramatically… again*

*Viggo runs for the phone to dial 999 as Dominic puts his coat under Elijah’s head and Orlando desperately tries to revive Lauren by ‘gently’ patting her cheek as he realises she’s not faking this time, Chloe and Jonny just watch in awe…… the ambulance arrives minutes later……*

Elijah is carefully lowered into the ambulance and gently given gas and air. Lauren is thrown in and nearly chokes on the gas and air shoved down the throat.

*Dominic follows Lauren (More sedately) into Elijah’s ambulance, he gently grasps Elijah’s hand as his eyes slowly open* “What happened?” *Elijah’s free hand drifts to the red mark on his cheek and the deep wound on his head from the latter, his hand returns laden with blood, the ambulance crew were ready when Elijah drifted back into blissful unconsciousness*

Meanwhile…… Chloe and Jonny are in another ambulance with Lauren, who is screaming her head off. “OMFrog! Where the frog am I?!” *More hysterical screaming*

Jonny “You’re in an ambulance “ *Ambulance crew inject you with something to shut you up*

Meanwhile in Elijah’s ambulance…

*Dominic is slowly rocking backwards and forwards slightly, clutching Elijah’s bloodstained hand and slowly stroking the beading sweat from Elijah’s brow as he drifted in and out of consciousness*

Meanwhile in Laurens ambulance… *More hysterical screaming* Ambulance dude- “Darn it! The drugs didn’t work! Time for the strong stuff!” *Whips out a TOAD*

*Toad is heated up too much and the poison evaporates and everyone in the back immediately faints*

Lauren, Chloe and Jonny have splattered toad on they’re faces. Meanwhile in Elijah’s ambulance…

*The ambulance slows as they reach the hospital and the crew open the doors and Dominic reluctantly lets go of Elijah’s hand to jog along behind his bed, the sheets slowly turning red.*

Lauren arrives at the hospital at the same time. Kicking and screaming. “Will someone take this darned straightjacket off me!? I had enough of this back home!” AKA- The Loony Bin.

*Elijah goes to a room for an X-ray, Dominic desperately tries to reach his lover and he would have succeeded if a burly security guard was not blocking the entrance, Dominic began to pace impatiently, wringing his hands, worry etched across his features… 2 hours later his heart leapt momentarily as the door was thrown open, only to commence his pacing as Jonny, Chloe and Lauren join him in silent contemplation.*

Lauren *begins a rousing rendition of “Oh what a Crap shitty morning!” only to be glared at by Chloe* “I was just trying to unify us like the fellowship”

*Dominic snaps* “WELL SOME OF US WER’NT IN THE MOVIE!!” *Dominic apologises under his breath, sits down to sob, shoulders slightly heaving, into his cupped hands*

Chloe “Well, whose fault was it that we weren’t in it?!” *Glares pointedly at Peter Jackson*

*I whip out a box of matches and Peter Jackson picture curls into ashes, just then a nurse walks into the room*

Nurse “Oi, no smoking/burning of insanely successful directors!”

The nurse continues “He’s on a ward. Now you can go and see him, if you like.” *Dominic immediately jumps up and practically sprinted down the direction the nurse was pointing. Everyone else followed more sedately.*

Elijah is sat up in bed, with one of those head bandages that make him look like a pillock. Lauren bursts into hysterical laughter.

*Lauren faints in the corridor as the drugs given in the ambulance kicks in* *Dominic is already sat next to Elijah on his bed, cradling him close to his chest, Elijah’s hand around Dominic’s back, under his shirt* “Cough! Cough!” *Elijah and Dom spring apart, Elijah’s fingers departing from the 5^th button opened on Dom’s shirt* Chloe “How are you feeling?”

Elijah *Pointed look at Dom* “Fine, more than fine, bloody great!” Chloe *Sceptical look at Elijah and Dom* “Have you two been at it again?”

Am I in the ward? I thought I’d fainted in the corridor. HAVE YOU JUST LEFT ME OUT THERE?!

Dom “Where’s Lauren?” *Orlando and Viggo arrive dragging Lauren between them, they place her in Elijah’s chair after kicking Jonny out of it*

Lauren wakes up. “My head hurts!” *Is ignored* Chloe “So what do you two get up to at the house?” (To Viggo and Orlando)

*Viggo and Orlando exchange embarrassed glances* Orlando “Nothing much, just cleaning the billiard room floor”

Lauren “Oh aye? And the pool table? And the bed?” Orlando *Excitedly* “And the kitchen table!” *Viggo puts his hand over his mouth, but the truth is out*

Elijah “Remind me never to come to yours for dinner.” Dom *Sarcastically* “Yeah, cleaning was it?”

Viggo “Yes. Lot’s of vigorous cleaning.”

Jonny “Get every spot did you? ……………… Of dirt!”

Orlando “Yes it was very dirty.” *Everyone looks shocked*

*Viggo rolls his eyes* Mutters “Orlando and his big mouth” *Dominic suddenly realises Elijah is rubbing his palm across his soft chest hair, so he gently moves his hand and buttons up his shirt*

Lauren “I don’t wish to see this. I’m off to buy a Mars bar and see if I can find one of those toads.” *Drags Chloe with her kicking and screaming*

*Chloe suddenly reappears dragging a ball and chain and a lamppost*

Lauren *From outside* “Hey, bring back my lamppost!” *Reappears with chocolate bars for everyone, several apples and a pound of cheesecake* “Foods up!”

*Everybody is quiet while they munch on their chocolate, Marcus appears* “What’s up, Lauren, Chloe … Dudes … Dude your visiting …”

It’s a good job we’re in a hospital Chloe, because your going to need a doctor in a minute! *Leaps round the room to chase Chloe*

“What are you trying to kill me for? I didn’t call him!” *Jonny has shifty eyes whilst hiding his mobile [cell] phone behind his back*

“ … Well … he’s too fit to kill.” *Goes back to eat cheesecake*

*Marcus wears a confused look, shrugs, then helps himself to your cheesecake*

*Adopts Gollum like voice* “My preccciousss cheesecake!” *Hits Marcus, who is chowing down* *End Gollum voice* (HAPPY NOW?!)

*Dominic and Elijah turn their backs on the visitors, who are talking amongst themselves, engage in their own activities*

I.E. CLEANING.

Yeah right, more like tonsil tennis …

“Euw!” *Thinks about tonsil tennis with a fit dude* “Yum!”

*Marcus chews on several breath mints, throws you hinting looks and stands very close* *Dom and Elijah surface for their … activity …*

WILL YOU STOP IT WITH THE MARCUS THING ALREADY!! I DON’T FANCY HIM! *Sarcastic shifty eyes*

*Dom and Elijah see that everyone is occupied trying to stop you from killing me with an oxygen cylinder, so got back to what they were doing*

*Lauren drops oxygen cylinder on Marcus’ head ACCIDENTALLY* “Oopsie!”

By accident, obviously *Everyone suddenly remembers about Dom and Elijah, as Dom lies Elijah down, still glued at the lips, and shifts his weight on top of him. Elijah flinches accidentally from the wound on his head, the kiss breaks and they suddenly become aware of everyone watching them* Chloe “Pick up your jaw, Marcus. If you were here a lot earlier you would have seen a lot more!” (I.E. Skinny Dipping!)

“Yeah, the communal shower was a blast!” *Day dreams* (SNOG! Sorry I just felt like saying that!)

And who was that thought pointed at I wonder? … *Thinks of you and Marcus and laughs at the irony*

I don’t like you! Meanwhile, we must stop Elijah and Dom before we are forced to watch them at it like rabbit. Besides, Marcus was perving at swul leibe, so therefore he is SWUL!

“Duh, we all were!” Orlando “All what?”

*Thinks damn I forgot we were talking telepathically* Chloe “Dom, do you want to get a coffee and some fresh air?”

“Hey! I want to come too!” Please don’t leave me here with Marcus!

*Dom nods, kisses Elijah’s hand and follows me, you Jonny and Orlando to the coffee machine about three miles away, Viggo and Elijah talk rapidly about swul while Marcus listened with rapt attention (Probably trying to pick up tips)*

THANK JEBUS!

*2 hours later we return to find the absence of Viggo and Marcus and Elijah had fallen asleep*

“Uh-oh. Orlando will be crushed of Marcus getting some first hand swul experience.” *Looks at the girly elf who is looking at pretty flowers*

*I pick up the card on the flowers which just says ‘later, Dominic’ and I think oh that’s who he was calling, Viggo and Marcus appear* “We were just looking for you!”

Looking!? Yeah, I bet you were LOOKING real hard. (Ew, dirty thoughts)

Marcus “Of course we were!” *shifty eyes* Viggo “There was a nice, big, empty room down the hall we were looking in for quite a while!” *Exchanges swul thought with both Orlando and Marcus. Elijah and Dom are once again locked in a passionate embrace*

Okay, this is confuddled. Is Orlando OKAY with the vigorous Viggo and Marcus? And is Chloe still married to Elijah? Am I still married to Stevie .G.? If so, WHERE IS HE?! I FAINTED!

Elijah to Chloe “My wife … are you okay with me and Dominic being Swul together?” Chloe “OF COURSE!!” *Distraught look in eyes betrays words (to the bone!!) * “Dun, dun, dun, durrrrn!” *Everyone stares at Orlando*

“Uh … that was SO the reindeer!” Says Orlando

*Reindeer looks insulted while pointing at the green sheep*

I thought we ATE the green sheep?

No that was a blue frog that tried to disguise itself as a green sheep but the blue frog had no idea what a green sheep looks like …

ARGH! I’M GOING TO DIE!!

GOOD FOR YOU!! Dies through many burst blood vessels*

Your death will be a great loss to the universe … on with the party/hospital visit!

With Dominic and Elijah swul in a certain way!

So your not okay with Elijah’s swul-ness

I’m not okay, I’m HYSTERICALLY HAPPY that I have something to watch on a Friday night.

Which is? …

SWUL LEIBE!! *Cough* Imbecile *Cough* *Cough*

Well, middle earth knows there’s nothing on TV.

Apart from Elijah *Elijah winks from the top of the TV set*

How are you suddenly on the TV set? Dominic “Hey, I put you in bed!”

Elijah “Dude, I have legs you know!”

Dominic “Yes … I definitely know!” *Dom Drools*

*Everyone immediately removes their feet from Dominic’s reach and foot fetish! Elijah moves closer*

The nurse comes in just as Elijah was eagerly kicking his shoes off, and tells Elijah he is free to go.

Elijah “NOOOOOOOOOOOO! (dude!) Five more minutes, five more minutes!” *Elijah and Dominic are forcibly removed from the hospital with everyone else following to Viggo’s tour bus* Viggo to everyone’s shocked faces “Well, how else are we all going to get back?” *Stunned silence*

Lauren “Do you have a CD player? Marshmallows? The entire cosmos and a river?” *Goes really close to Viggo trying to intimidate him, without success , as her face only reaches his stomach* “Darn you lack of height! Chloe, let me sit on your shoulders!”

*Lauren sits on Chloe’s shoulders, now we only reach his chest*

“Okay, this calls for drastic measures, I’ll have to call my army of penguins!”

*Everyone is TRAMPLED!* *muffled Viggo* “You had to do that. Didn’t you?”

*Squeagle* *Gurgle* *Splatter* “AYE, that I did.” *Crushed*

*Everyone groans in exasperation* Viggo “OMF, will someone please get rid of these penguins, they’re eating Jonny!”

Lauren “Nooooooo! Captain Jack!” *Shoos penguins, is trampled one last time. For now, anyway*

Random thought “HOBBIT FEET ROCK!” *Sentence is greeted with stunned silence and weird stares* *One penguin enters and kicks Lauren and Jonny for good measure*

“I think I’ve lost control of the army. Oh well, let’s get on the tour bus.” *Mutters to Viggo* “And keep Chloe away from the booze … and the hobbits.”

Chloe “What Hobbit’s, WHERE?” *Claws at thin air to try and get on the bus but Viggo hold me so I just tread air*

… *Stares blankly* “Oh, don’t mind me, I just thought my sanity had come back.” *Looks at Chloe treading air* “… I was wrong.*

Chloe “WHAT HOBBITS?” *Whisper in Viggo’s ear* “Does she mean Elijah and Dominic?” *Winks at Viggo*

Lauren “Yeah, Elijah has a serious head wound. I think she might do more serious damage if let loose.”

Chloe “Hey, what is that supposed to mean? There both swul, remember?”

EXACTLY! Anyways, I’m confuddling myself here. Where am I? Who am I?

*Dominic waves arms in a mysterious way* “You will never know …” Lauren “Doesn’t matter, I have my birth certificate for this type of problem.” *Pulls out certificate* Orlando “YOINK!” Lauren “Give it back, I NEED TO KNOW ME!!”

Orlando skips around the bus like a little girl, but whacks his head on a low bit of ceiling. Lauren easily walks underneath and grabs the birth certificate. “Ah that’s right, Lauren Pingu Henderson. I feel sp complete!”

Orlando “OWWW!” *Viggo picks up Orlando and gives him a hug and a kiss* Viggo “You big baby!”

Orlando *sniffles*

Lauren *Joyful skipping*

Elijah and Dom *Hands have disappeared*

Chloe *Eyes are popping out*

Jonny “What now?”

Viggo “This … is for Orlando …” *Viggo puts on a Beatles song which blares out* “I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND!”

*Weeps* THE BEATLES! How I love them! And it’s been so long since we did this!

*Stands up straight and points one finger in the air* “According to my calculations, it has been exactly 7 weeks, 0 days, 23 hours, 43 minutes and 30 seconds (Seconds flexible)”

Tee hee! Can we start the engine now? Can we drive to New Zealand? You know you want to! (I don’t really know who I’m talking to here!)

Viggo “Okay, calm down, we can start as soon as Orlando comes back with some … cleaning … supplies.” *Notices we are in Tesco car park, awkwardly parked over six spaces*

Okay … I didn’t know you could buy ‘cleaning products’ from Tesco? Or am I just thinking dirty thoughts again?!

*Elijah with his head in the fridge* “As long as he’s buying food as well as … cleaning … stuff from a shop down the road, I’m starving!”

Can I drive?

Dominic “As long as your 17, have a driving licence and don’t mind missing out on all the fun.” Elijah “Yeah, we’re having a party!”

… Never mind. Marcus can drive … oh wait … did we leave him in hospital? *Silently prays*

*Orlando returns* “Marcus said you were ignoring him so he snuck off when we all got on the tour bus, we should make a list of everyone who’s here, just in case someone else went missing.” *Viggo notices the absence of Dominic and Elijah and the ‘Toilet Occupied’ light on*

… I wonder what on earth they’re doing? Anyways, I’m going to officially start the list with My favourite person on the bus …

Lauren

Chloe

Viggo

Orli

Jonny

Elijah

Dominic

I think that’s everyone. Jonny to Elijah and Dom “Is the toilet all clean now, then?”

*Dominic and Elijah have shifty eyes* Dominic “weeelllll … if your blind and numb …” Elijah “Yeah!” *Breathless*

Um … I can fell the bus moving … but everyone on the list is here in the back …

*Mr Falokun waves from the drivers seat in a chauffeurs outfit* “Just overheard you arguing over whose driving, though I’d lend a hand.” *Adds his name to list*

… Dude, you just abandoned the ship, the crew and the parrot?! Not to mention the ALGEBRA!

Mr Falokun “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!” Chloe “Sorry, in house joke.” *Mr Falokun look at the confused faces of everyone, apart from Chloe and Lauren who are in stitches*

“WE’RE IN DANIELLE! OMF! Let me out, Danielle! Why did you eat us?” *Screams*

Jonny “Sure you are…” *His voice practically drips with sarcasm*

Hey, don’t mock my half-wittedness! Besides, the lighting is eerie in here *Clutches to Viggo in fear, who shakes her off in exasperation* “What?! Scary things could come out of the toilet!”

Elijah “Yeah, like a crocodile or an alligator!” *Orlando holds onto Viggo’s arm and whimpers* “Viggo …” *Viggo sighs* “Don’t be stupid, it’s a chemical toilet, not connected to the sewer!” *Lights suddenly flicker on as it’s night out*

“Have I ever mentioned my inane fear of the dark?” Shout Mr Falokun from the drivers seat. *He leaps out of the window with the bus speeding down a hill* Oh crap.

“LAUREN! WAKE UP!” *Orlando slaps you across the face* Viggo “I told you not to go in the bathroom for a while.”

Darn it! How much of it has been an elaborate dream? Is Mr Falokun running down the A6?

Viggo “No, Mr Falokun is driving back up the A666 because … he can’t drive …” *Orlando jumps up and down excitedly*

A666! OMF! WE’RE GOING TO HELL! (AKA - BOLTON!) KILL ME NOW!

Dominic “No, he took a wrong turning …” Elijah “ … we’re going to …” *Orlando hyperventilates with excitement* “BLACKPOOL!”

“OMF! PEPSI MAX ANOTHER 11 TIMES IN A ROW! DUDE!” *I scream* (You scream, we all scream for ice cream!)

Elijah “What the frog is the Pepsi Max?” *Receives stunned silence and disbelieving looks* Elijah “What?”

“OMF! Get off my (Viggo’s) bus!” Lauren yells then starts a rousing chorus of “I love cesspool!”

Chloe “Anyway … we could stay either at my grandparents or my Aunt and Uncles … take your pick … then we can go to the pleasure beach!” Orlando *Sulky silence* Viggo “Okay then, Mr Falokun, step on it!” Elijah “I still don’t know what the Pepsi Max or the Pleasure Beach is!?”

… someone else will have to reply, as I am DEAD!!! (Of shock) (Or sock. Either one.)

*Dominic quickly sums up what they are, as comprehension and excitement dawn on Elijah’s face* *Elijah starts jumping up and down, Orlando style* Elijah “Lets go, biggest old roller coaster! Ice Blast! Bling! Maze! Log flume! … Everything else!”

*Mutters under breath* “That’s all we need - two Orlando’s!”

Jonny “So … Chloe’s grandparents or her Aunt and Uncles Hotel?”

… Grandparents. I love old people *Cough* and we might have to share rooms!

Mr Falokun “We are half way there, another 20 minutes and we will be … by the way, where can I park?” Chloe “The closest car park is 3 miles away or we could park in front of my Grandparents for an hour, after that you risk getting a parking ticket…”

… Three bloody miles!? It’s Viggo’s bus and he’s got plenty of money. My ickle legs can’t take it!

Elijah “Ickle!?” *Receives slap on the face of the implication*

Say what now … OMF! YOU B*****D! DIE!

*Viggo holds mini Elijah over his head as you try to attack him with the spare tyre* Dominic “Hey, I need him later!” *BANG* “And now we need the spare tyre!” *Stops at side of the road*

Oh Crap. On the day I left my crowbar at home! *Everyone gets out of the bus to inspect the damage*

*All discover that one tyre has exploded and flaming rubber litters the motorway* *Mr Falokun takes a jack out of his pocket and starts wheeling up the bus* *Viggo sets Elijah down and snatches tyre off you before you break it, then goes to help*

Hey, how come I attack people with things that have to be taken off me? Oxygen cylinder, spare tyre … I’M NOT THAT BLOODY VIOLENT! *Starts to kick bus in exasperation* DIE, BUS, DIE!

*Lauren produces pocket knife that must also be taken off her before she can slash any tyres*

Darn You! *Goes to corner of the motorway to mutter under death*

Dominic to self “I didn’t know motorways had corners.” *Goes to see if Lauren is okay*

I’m fine *Hides voodoo doll of that darned bus behind bus* Fine. Fine. Perfectly FINE. Meanwhile back at the bus Mr Falokun has changed the tyre.

*And has accidentally attached his sleeve and watch to the tyre along with Viggo’s trousers*

Hey, did you remember to put the handbrake on? *Mr Falokun and Viggo watch in horror as the wheel starts to turn…*

*Elijah jumps onto the bus then realises that amongst all the levers, he doesn’t know which is the handbrake!* “Oh s**t, err, Dominic, which is the handbrake?!” *Stunned silence*

Seriously, were you LOST when God gave out brains?! It’s the lever in the middle of the seats! Near the gear stick!

“Oh Yeah!” Elijah yanks on the handbrake a moment too late as Viggo’s trousers part company…*

*Sigh* I did love those trousers … *Viggo weeps and Lauren whistles what she thinks is the death march … She is actually whistling Darth Vader’s tune … I just remembered … I CAN’T WHISTLE!*

The tyre has been changed and everyone piles back onto the bus and Viggo desperately searches for some trousers but to no avail.

Orlando *Flushes trousers down chemical toilet, whistles innocently*

Jonny “Elijah, is there a spare kilt in your sporren?” *Laughs behind hand*

… “Actually, yes …” *Pulls sporren from where it was screwed up in the furthest corner of the bus*

*Viggo holds up the kilt in disgust until he sees your red face, so he puts on a fake smile and frantically scrambles to put it on … wrong … and backwards … and inside out …*

“ …Ach weil. I’m too happy to get angry.” *Mutters furiously under breath and pulls something mysteriously …doll-like .. From pocket. And needles.*

*Laurens pulls out a very small piece of paper that folds out to be a very big diagram with instructions on ‘How to put on a kilt properly’* Mr Falokun “And they’re off!” Jonny “Oi, Mr Falokun, quit watching F1, we want to get to Blackpool today!”

“Okay, I propose …” Dominic begins, but is cut off by Elijah’s hysterical screaming. “You propose!? OMF! I never expected this to happen so soon! I accept!” Elijah cries. “No, I was going to say ‘ I propose we set off to Blackpool and try to get there before I have to shave a beard off!’ ” “Oh.” Elijah goes and sits with Mr Falokun at the front.

Mr Falokun “Here’s something to cheer you up, there’s not much left though … ahem …” *Hands Elijah a king size flask of Brandy* *Mr Falokun narrowly misses a Tesco truck as he speeds the wrong way down the motorway*

OMF! You nearly ran over a MINI! Die, evil brandy drinking maths teacher! DIE! I’m quiet and pacified, really.

Chloe “Err … I think someone else should drive … no, not you Viggo …” *Viggo goes and sulks* Dominic “I’ll drive!”

*Five minutes later* Everyone is hanging onto their seat. “Slow down you maniac!” Jonny screams “This is such a turn on!” Elijah cries. Everyone turns to him, disturbed.

“… Argh!! …” Everyone *Just misses colliding with several police riot vans and just dodges spikes and spin out of control. “ … ARGH! …”

“Ahem … that wasn’t me.” Dominic insists. *Shoves steering wheel into Orlando’s hands.* “Dude. THE STEERING WHEEL HAS JUST COME OFF!”

*Dominic puts his hand on his hips and says knowingly* “Well it’s not like we need it anymore!” *Police officer approaches the door and knocks*

“Okay, if anyone asks … Marcus was driving and jumped out of the window, which was when it sped out of control.” Viggo says.

*Dom opens the door and in walks the copper* “’Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello, what’s going on ‘ere then?” *is assaulted with random different excuses* Copper “Calm down! You sir, you tell me what happened.” *Points to Orlando (I.E. Mr I-open-my-big-mouth-and-get-us-all-in-trouble BLOOM!)*

Orlando thinks for a moment “Well, officer, it’s like this … we were hijacked by a giant gorilla, who didn’t know which side of the road to drive on. He was American you see.” “Oh aye?”

*Copper wears disbelieving look and sees Mr Falokun, in his chauffeurs outfit, in the back, sleeping off his drink problem with the steering wheel in his hands*

The police officers thick superior comes in. He surveys the scene. “Well, I think we can see what’s gone on here … So … we’re looking for a giant gorilla. What colour hair did he have?”

Elijah “Well, he was this big silver back gorilla with these bulging muscles!” Coppers superior *Gets on the radio* “Code red, gorilla terrorist is on the loose, repeat, on the loose. Possibly armed and dangerous, identification, may have stolen silverware on it’s back, repeat on it’s back!” *Everyone rolls eyes*

“Um, how will we get to Blackpool since the um … gorilla has ripped off the steering wheel?” Asks Chloe

Viggo “I think it was detachable anyway …” *Viggo goes to retrieve the steering wheel that the ‘gorilla left’ and bends down to attach it again … *Coppers are stunned at the … err … sights* Both coppers “Gotta go, be on your way! …” *Coppers edge off the bus and virtually run to their van*

“For a minute there, Orlando, I thought you had screwed us, but I take my hat off to you. Or I would if I had one.” Says … (there’s so many people to choose from! I can’t pick!)

Orlando “Metaphorically or literally screwed you?” *Stunned silence at Orlando’s sudden increase in vocabulary*

“Well, some of us screwed you literally.” *Pointed look at … someone …* “And where did those long words come from?”

Orlando “It’s on one of my T-shirts!” *He pulls out a pink t-shirt with the legend ‘Do you literally want me or metaphorically?’ and on the back it said ‘Don’t worry, I’m just messing with your head!’*

… Is stumped

Orlando “Viggo bought it for me!” *Smiles lovingly at Viggo whilst everyone else pretends to be sick* Viggo “I thought it would look good if you wore it when we got married …” Viggo looks shocked * “Oops, I’ve just revealed the secret …”

“OMF! Can I be a bridesmaid?!” Shrieks Elijah *Jumps up and down, pretending to wear a dress* “Um, of course you can …” Says Viggo, reluctantly, after being pinched by Orlando.

Dominic “Can I be best man then, or something like it … they get they’re pick of the bridesmaids.” *Winks at Elijah*

“Aww, but I really wanted Mr Falokun to be best man!” Cries Orlando *Looks at Mr Falokun in his drunken stupor* “Never mind, you can do it!” “Hey, what about me and Chloe?” Asks Lauren.

*Elijah disappears into his duffel bag and mumbles something into the bag* Chloe “OMF, you will actually allow me to handle roses with thorns in a crowded church! Yay!” Elijah “FOUND IT!” *Elijah emerges from his duffel bag carrying something that looks suspiciously like …* Orlando “OMF, the Wedding Book!!” *Elijah proudly place the white, frilly, overflowing book on the table*

“OMF, we’re in an episode of friends. MY DREAM COME TRUE!” *Enthusiastically grabs the wedding book and begins thumbing through the pale pink pages* “… roses … swans … white puppies … lime green dresses …”

*Lauren growls when anyone apart from Orlando and Viggo approach … everyone backs off and plays games of rock, paper, scissors … to see who will drive … Mr Falokun to detox and rehabilitation … in Blackpool …* Elijah’s voice drifts back to the trio and the book “ … or we could just let him sleep it off?” Viggo shouts back “Not in my bed he isn’t!”

“If we let him sleep it off we’ll never get to Blackpool in time for me to buy a feather boa, (For Orlando) white doves and a dress that will kill … I mean a dress that will stun.” Lauren cries and hugs the book.

Jonny “Then lets get this show on the road … metaphorically” *Shifty eyes* “as this is so not a freak show!”

“Yes, SO not a freak show!” Chloe replies *looks round at Elijah prancing around with his kilt back on, pretending it’s a dress, Lauren screaming as Dominic tries to look at the book and Orlando comparing fabric choices with Viggo* “Yes, we’re remarkably sane.”

*Viggo raid the fridge and reveals several bottles of champagne and Mr Falokun shoot’s up on the sofa at the mention of free drink*

“Hey, we can’t have champers! Who will bloody drive, you bloody imbeciles?! I told you I bloody need a bloody feather bloody boa. Bloody Bollocks!” Shouts Lauren, who has evidently already got hold of some booze.

Jonny “Hey, I’m not going to drink!” *Quickly hides champagne bottle behind back, looks back at the road and swerves back onto the motorway…* Jonny “I was so watching where I was going!” *Kicks invading chicken out of the window*

“Hey, I was hungry!” Cries Elijah *Viggo and Dominic have to stop him jumping out of the window after the invading chicken*

*Chloe moves to the front of the bus to confiscate Jonny’s booze and trips on a discarded (Maroon!) fabric sample, that are now scattered and dangling all over the place as Orlando desperately tries to find the pinks* Jonny “Shhsh, don’t tell Orlando I did this!” *Throws pink sample book out of the window, evil grin!*

OMF! You didn’t just do that! *Clutches Wedding Book for dear life* By the way, Jonny, how long until we get to Blackpool, as Mr Falokun’s snores are getting unbearable! *Plugs ears with head phones I packed into sporren*

Jonny “ ’bout 10 minutes, we just passed the funny statue. CHLOE! I need direction to your Grandparents!” *Chloe removes earplugs* “WHAT?!”

“Directions!” Shouts Jonny “Oh! Well, it’s easy really. Just turn round here, go left, left and left again, when you come to the traffic lights turn right. When you pass ‘The Manchester’ pub, you’ve gone too far, so turn left, then keep going down that road then turn right and then left, then left again, the right, straight on until you see a cheesemongers, then it’s two streets down, the car park is 3km from that lamppost. You can’t miss it!” Shouts Chloe.

Two hours, 5 pints and lots of coffee later, Mr Falokun pulls up out side Chloe’s Grandparents whilst Jonny sleeps off his drinks.

As it is now about MIDNIGHT, when we feverishly knock on the door, Chloe’s Granddad opens the door, shot-gun in hand, screaming something about “Attack, Rex!”, “Oh, give over Granddad, you haven’t got a dog!” Chloe says, pushing through the crowd.

Chloe “Can we have …” *Counts whose there* “ … 4 rooms … or 8 so we don’t have to share …” Granddad “We’ve only got three … come in, come in then, and bring your stiff …” *Orlando proceeds to unload all 6 of his pink and flowery chests, whilst everyone else picks up their rucksacks and duffel bags* Jonny mutters to Viggo “I suppose that’s another reason why you brought the tour bus.” *Indicates Orlando lugging his luggage through the front door*

“Well, you’d better sort out whose in what room as I’m getting a little tired …” *Chloe’s Granddad says, before falling onto the floor asleep.

Chloe “Okay, Lauren, Jonny, Dom, number 3. Viggo, Mr Falokun, number 1. Orlando and Elijah, your with me in number 6. NO OBJECTIONS!” *Everyone cowers in the corner, then scrambles to get their stuff and go to their room*

*Lauren jumps for joy, grabs Jonny and Dom, who look startled, and runs to her room, only to bang into the wall in her excitement* “Oh Crap!”

Later that night … *Chloe tries to screw her pillow in her ears as Elijah and Orlando blare music and do each others make up and nails in an all night … (Well … Orlando would call it a bachelor party … but I’m not Orlando …) It’s a bloody slumber party!*

Meanwhile in room one … *Mr Falokun and Viggo are playing poker* “Dude, do you know how to play this?” Slurs Mr Falokun. “All I know is that it’s strip poker. Now take off your bra.” Commands Viggo.

*Mr Falokun looks wildly around for a girl in her underwear before unbalancing and toppling from the bed*

Everyone hears the crash and Chloe, her pillows, Elijah, Orlando and several pink feathers, Lauren Dom, Jonny, hysterical giggles and Chocolate run into room 1. “Orlando you plank! You can’t see Viggo before the wedding!” Lauren cries and pulls out a feather boa which she ties round his eyes. “So what was that noise?” asks Dom as Orlando walks around with his arms in front of him, banging into wall like a blind man.

*Orlando trips over Mr Falokun snoring on the floor, cards fly everywhere as everyone, apart from Viggo, fall like dominos* Viggo “………………” * Is too busy laughing* Dominic *Muffled* “Lauren get off me!” Lauren *Muffled* “Can’t, Orlando’s unconscious!” Chloe *Muffled* “Dom, if I wanted to be turned into a pancake, I would have asked!” *Elijah misses sarcasm, muffled in the dark* “You don’t feel flat to me!”

“… I hope you’re talking about her protruding … nose!” Cries Jonny, who is stuck somewhere in the middle. Chloe untangles herself from Elijah (giggle) and tries to help everyone up.

*Breathless silence* “Elijah, why the heck are you giggling? Just because everyone is in their night ware and most of the guys are practically naked!” *Drools* Elijah “Except …”*Stares pointedly at Orlando in his bunny pyjamas and pink fluffy dressing gown, whilst the other guys are in boxers…*

“OMEBF (sorry, I just had to say that at some point) ! They’re mine!” Cries Mr Falokun, waking from his drunken stupor.

*Mr Falokun, who is now surprisingly sober, snatches the pyjamas and dressing gown, ripping them at the seams* *Girlish scream* *Orlando desperately tries to hide his almost nakedness with a pillow, but in his feather boa blindness, grabs Jonny, who is also in his boxers*

Everyone *Is shocked* Jonny *Is scarred* Orlando *Is turned on* “Uh … Orli, that’s not a pillow.” Points out Viggo. Orlando snorts. “Ha, ha, very funny.” and proceeds to cuddle the ‘pillow’. “Help me!” hisses Jonny.

*Elijah collapses into silent giggles* Jonny whispers to Elijah “If looks could kill, you’d be more than dead right now!” *Dominic smirks* “No, really, Orlando, that is so not a pillow!” Orlando “It feels like a pillow so it must be!” *Orlando proceeds to stroke Jonny’s chest hair*

“Orlando! Get the frog off me!” shouts Jonny. Orlando makes an ‘0’ with his mouth. “OMEBF! My pillow TALKS!”

Orlando “And it knows my name!” *Jonny pulls himself out of Orlando’s ever exploring hands, just in time …* Orlando “Pillow! Where did you go!” *Orlando flails his hands wildly, punching Mr Falokun in the face and knocking him out again then …* * … Orlando’s hand’s find Elijah rolling on the floor in fits of giggles* *Elijah has shocked face, now it’s Jonny’s turn to laugh*

“Lauren, will you take the blindfold off!” asks Elijah despairingly. “But it’s so bloody FUNNY!” giggles Lauren.

Orlando “Ooh, different pillow!” *Orlando squeals and buries his face in Elijah’s hair* *Orlando moves a bit and trips over Jonny, rolling on the floor, giggling, causing Orlando and Elijah to fall onto the bed onto Viggo who was absentmindedly reading the newspaper.* Viggo “WTF!?”

Lauren surveys the mess around her. “Um, okay. Orlando, come here and I’ll take your blindfold off!” *Jonny and Chloe look at each other despairingly (I’m saying that quite a lot lately) as Lauren yells “Follow my voice!” in the background and Orlando knocks more people out*

Chloe “NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” Chloe DIVES AT Orlando as he desperately tries to wrench off the blindfold, elbows flying at peoples heads*

Chloe and Lauren manage to struggle out of the open door. Looking back into the room, it looks like something from a war movie, bloody noses, people desperately crawling on the floor and a sobbing Orlando on the floor, clutching his feather boa.

*Orlando clutching on half of a de-feathered boa “Oh, the in-humanity!” *Dominic seems to have disappeared in all the kafuffle*

“Well … that didn’t go as planned.” says Lauren, sheepishly, as everyone glares at her. Dominic emerges. Barely clinging onto his boxers. “You’re bloody right, it didn’t!” he yells.

*Elijah stares uncontrollably as his jaw drops* Viggo to Dominic “What happened to you?”

“… Mr Falokun.” Whispers Dominic and shivers.

Mr Falokun emerges with a box of matches ”Anyone for boxers burning?” The only girls raise their hands and jump around excitingly and Lauren produces matches from her sporren, the guys immediately cower in the corner.

“Look, it’s 1am! I’m getting married in the morning … and these are the only boxers I have!” confesses Viggo, to try and ward Lauren and Chloe off, who are walking towards them with menacing grins. “The guy can’t get married COMMANDO!” cries Dom, clutching his boxers.

Orlando “Hey, I don’t mind, it’ll set us up for the honeymoon …” *Viggo turns a bright shade of red with Orlando, both smirking* Chloe “Anyway, on that note, we had better be getting off to bed.” *Shoots a knowing look at Dom, Elijah, Viggo and Orlando* “In your own rooms!”

“Yes, I must be fresh as a daisy in the morning” says Orlando, and skips away, leaving the disaster in his wake “Mr Falokun, the wedding is at 1pm but we have to check you into rehab at 10am, so you won’t be able to attend.” says Chloe. “Oh, that’s fine” Mr Falokun replies, seemingly indifferent. Chloe and Lauren turn away, only to hear cries of “No! Tobi! Don’t do it!” Mr Falokun is on the balcony, about to jump.

*Viggo lasso’s Mr Falokun around the waist as he falls and pulls him up and ties him to his bed to stop him jumping again, the rest go to their rooms, holding desperately onto the remains of their charred boxers*

“Hey! I don’t want to be wearing boxers!” Cries Lauren

Orlando “Here have my (… Ahem … Mr Falokun’s … *Cough*) pink fluffy night gown” *Everyone goes to bed/sleep/perhaps something else …

The next morning Chloe is woken to the sound of Elijah and Orlando singing ‘Dancing Queen’ … badly … at 6 in the morning …

Luckily, there is a knock at the door, so Chloe opens it and sees … CATHERINE! Chloe “Catherine! How did you get here?” Catherine “There was a very friendly silverback gorilla running up the M62.”

Chloe “Did it have a sack that jangled and about 4 police cars, 2 riot vans and a police helicopter chasing it?” Catherine “Yeah, that’s the one! …” *Catherine stares at Elijah an Orlando with hairbrush microphones in one hand, champagne bottles in the other and pink and purple feather boa’s around their necks* Chloe “… err … guys … this is Catherine …” *Guys stop and look embarrassed* *Orlando’s tiara slips onto the bed*

“Um … nice … room!” Comments Catherine *As she breathes in, a bunch of feathers go up her nose, making her look like she has a pink and purple moustache* “Yeah, I’m going to find Lauren.* *Runs away*

*Everyone from Chloe’s room to Lauren’s whilst tripping over Dominic and Jonny clutching beer bottles, snoring like a foghorn and only wearing charred boxers whilst handcuffed (Pink, fluffy, Orlando’s handcuffs) to the banister.*

“Lauren … what did you do?” asks Chloe as Catherine eyes up the handcuffs with a grin. “Nothing! I swear on Spam!” *Shifty eyes*

Orlando “Has anyone seen my handc … oh …” *Orlando eyes Jonny and Dominic suspiciously, after tripping over them and falling down the stairs* *Viggo sniggers and everyone immediately looks in his direction* Viggo “WHAT?!”

… Okay, I know it’s early and I didn’t get much sleep last night … but that last bit confuddled me to no end! WHAT THE HECK! … Ignore me …

Okay. Sorry. Slow. Ummm … now I have no funny. WAIT! Did you just make THE BRIDE fall down the stairs?!

*Jonny wakes up as Orlando falls into his LAP! Jonny then bangs his head on Dominic’s and so he wakes up Dom* Dom “WTF!” *Pulls on handcuffs* “Get these off you B@$#@^d, where’s the key!” Jonny “ARGH BLOOD!” *Dom has a nose bleed* *Chaos ensues*

Lauren- “Tip your head back! No forwards! No, pinch your nose! ARGH! BLOOD!” *Faints again* Catherine- “Is this normal?” Chloe- “yes.” Orlando- “Um, problem … I left the key at home!”

Jonny and Dom “ARGH!” *Blood and beer flies everywhere as they desperately pull on the handcuffs, eventually … the banister breaks …* Viggo “HA, now you have to be handcuffed together until we get back for the key, as I don’t think Orlando will be pleased if the firemen break them!” Jonny “Great, handcuffed together with a gay guy for a couple of days/weeks … hang on, how long are we staying for?!”

Lauren *Is miraculously conscious* “DID SOMEONE SAY FIREMEN?!” Catherine “It’s okay, I know a very friendly gorilla who will be more than willing to give you a ride back home for the key.” *Everyone exchanges worried looks*

Orlando “Where exactly is this ‘gorilla’ … then” *Orlando makes little quotation marks in the air ay the word gorilla* Lauren “In her head of …” *Lauren is knocked out by Catherine* Catherine *In sarcastic squeaky voice* “Of COOOUURSE not …” *Shifty eyes*

“Okay, we’ll have to draw straws over who gives Lauren the kiss of life.” says Viggo *He draws the short straw* “Bugger.” Lauren “I’m okay! I need someone to come with me to pick Orlando’s dress up.”

Orlando “Wow, Lauren! You are the best bridesmaid ever! As long as I get to drive while your seeing double!” Viggo mumbles “I just think she wants to get on your good side so she can have her way with the bridesmaids dresses.” Orlando “What?” Viggo mumbles again “Never mind …” Louder he says “Have a good time!”

Lauren *Glares at Viggo “Well, you wouldn’t exactly be thrilled with frilly lime green dresses either, bloody demic!”

Viggo “Okay, okay, no need to go poncy frog on me!” *Viggo sulks* “As long as my tux is white and has no frills or it will meet it’s end upon my scissors!” *Orlando mumbles to Lauren* “White it is then …”

Lauren mutters to Orlando “I guess the cuffs will have to go, though.” *Chloe, Catherine, Jonny, Dom and Elijah seem to have disappeared.*

Jonny and Dom are tangled up in the nearby lone standing coat rack, trying to figure out to untangle themselves whilst handcuffed, Catherine is watching from the shadows as they struggle in their charred boxers. Whereas Chloe and Elijah have snuck off to the bar in the dining room …

… “You can’t do this to me again!” cries Lauren. *Viggo Sighs* Viggo “Seriously, we’re not having two nearly naked men handcuffed together and tangled up in a coat rack AT OUR WEDDING! Think of the photos!”

*As Mr Falokun is ‘voluntarily’ (I.E. kicking and screaming) taken into rehab … in a straight jacket … in a wheel barrow … with a padded van to take him away … Chloe help’s Elijah take off the bandage on his head wound … after the alcoholic anaesthesia … (AKA. 5 shots of tequila …)*

… it’s a mystery why Chloe needed those 5 pints, though. Ahem. *Lauren has gone to pick up Orlando’s dress. Dom and Jonny are reduced to knowing at the wood of the banister*

Jonny and Dom haphazardly fall down the remaining stairs to the ground floor, taking the rest of the banister, the coat rack, Viggo and Catherine with them …

“Um … I hope your Grandparent are very … understanding.” Mutters Viggo. “Oh, they will be … when I tell them your rich!” replies Chloe with a giggle.

Chloe, who had poked her head from the dining room into the hall to see who had made the almighty … noise …

“Chloe. What’s going on down there?” calls Chloe’s grandma, who is at the top of the stairs with her hair in rollers and a tartan dressing gown.

*Everyone* “Err, it was them! …” *Everyone points to different people at the same time*

… who are all participants in a star-trek convention. Jonny “Come on, just look at them! Who else could it be?!” *Boxers fall down*

Girlish scream from Orlando as Jonny tries to cover up, but fails miserably. Jonny “Darn lack of large moveable objects!”

On to the Next LLN book that happens to be Yellow!!!

*Jonny spies a bucket and upturns it to cover his modesty* Lauren “I bet I can read your mind!” Jonny “Bet you can’t!” Lauren “You’re thinking that that bucket has a bottom.” Jonny “Oh crap.”

*Orlando squeals again, then takes off his (… ahem … Mr Falokun’s …) pink fluffy dressing gown over Jonny’s front* BANG! *Elderly person faints with shock when Jonny bends to put the bucket back, full moon flashing for the world to see*

Chloe “Are we just magnets for fainting people!?” Dom “I think maybe we should retire to our rooms, where we can’t incapacitate any more of the public.”

*Orlando the pink fluffy night gown around Jonny like a pink fluffy boob tube dress* Elijah “Okaaaaaaay … moving on .. Lauren, Orlando, you were quick getting the dresses.” Orlando “I ordered them a week ago, now, no peeking, I’m going to put them in my room!…” Dominic *Sarcastically* “Oh Joy!”

*We all follow Orlando up the stairs quite quickly as the trekkie convention goers are glaring at us and the chaos we have caused* Lauren “Aren’t you lucky Chloe! You get to help Orlando with his dress!” *Shoves Chloe into her room with Orlando and Elijah*

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo!” *Chloe claws at the back of the locked door and chuncks of paint com off the door, then she takes a deep breath and turns around, composed* *Deep breath* “Anyway …”

*Lauren sniggers from behind the door, that is, until she is dragged away to help Viggo with his suit* “I hate karma!”

*Orlando struggles into the lime silken dress, that gives an ominous rip when Elijah desperately tries to do it up* Elijah “Orlando, your shoulders are too wide!” Orlando *missing the criticism* “Thank you!”

*Orlando surveys the dress in the mirror. It has a rip up the leg, the shoulders have ripped apart and the sleeves are hanging on by a thread, no to mention the gaping hole in the front. Orlando bursts into tears* Chloe “It’s okay, Orlando! My Grandma has a sewing machine. We’ll fix it.” Orlando *Sniffles* “What do you mean? It’s perfect!”

*Orlando after he’d dried his eyes* “And now … da da da da da da … daaaarr!” *Orlando flourishes banana yellow, silken, fluffy, frilly, puffy bridesmaid dresses* Elijah “Err … oh … how … nice …” *Pulls face behind Orlando’s back as he admires his dress again*

(Lauren’s Side note - I resign as bridesmaid! I settle for disgusted onlooker!”) *Meanwhile, Viggo is admiring his black suit with yellow shirt*

Chloe to Orlando from behind him (as he’s been looking in the mirror for the past hour) “You know Orli … Elijah is desperate to be your bridesmaid and so are Dom and Jonny … and I would hate to deprive them of their only chance at being your bridesmaid … I’ve been a bridesmaid before so I wouldn’t mind changing places and I don’t think Lauren would either …” *Orlando looks thoughtful, which looks wrong* “Mmmm … Okay!”

*Lauren (Who has been listening outside the door) bursts down the locked door, falls to her knees and kisses Chloe’s (Hairy) feet* “Jebus!” she cries.

“No,” Chloe corrects as her white robe billows in the bright backlight. “Thine Hobbit Jebus, the Second!”

*Lauren continues to kiss Chloe’s feet, until physically restrained*

*Lauren continues to struggle against the handcuffs securing her to Dom and Jonny* * Elijah has sheepish grin* Elijah “What? I like handcuffs … stop looking at me like that! … no, Orlando, I do not have a spare set!”

“So now there’s THREE people handcuffed at the wedding?!” cries Lauren, “But that totally spoils the seating chart I DID NOT spend all night completing.” “I have the keys for your set, Lauren, but you have to promise to act sane.” says Elijah

*Orlando examines Elijah’s handcuffs* Orlando “Hey, Elijah, these handcuffs are the same as mine! Do you think your key would open mine handcuffs? What?” Orlando whines “I want my handcuffs back!” *Pouts sulkily*

“Wedding night … handcuffs … I can see how you would want them back”

“No, …” *Orlando has shifty eyes* “The honeymoon is NOT going to revolve around these handcuffs and it will NOT ruin all my plans if Dom and Jonny stay handcuffed together …”

Chloe “Sure. We believe you.” *Eye roll* (Cue Jaws theme tune!) “Can we stop talking about the impending SWUL and FREE ME! LIBERATE my feet!” Lauren

“Sure!” *Elijah rummages around in his night gown pockets* “Oops … the keys are in the room, along with the keys for the room…”

“Does that mean what I think it means?” asks Lauren looking murderous. “Um … yes …” Elijah replies *Elijah puts fingers up in front of him like a cross* *Lauren sighs* “I don’t know what I expected … it is a THURSDAY!”

Chloe “Don’t worry, my Grandma has keys to all the rooms.” *Chloe hurrys away to get her before Laurens choking of Elijah does any serious damage, with Dom and Jonny trailing behind*

*Chloe comes back with her Grandma, who looks at Lauren like she’s an alien, and unlocks the door* “Thank you!” croaks Elijah, as Lauren runs into the room, dragging Dom and Jonny behind. “She’s normally such a peaceful girl.” Chloe assures her Grandma.

*Dom and Jonny get stuck as they both try to get through the door at the same time, “NOOOOO, I need freedom!” *Lauren stops inches away from the key and now no-one can get into the room*

“NOOOOOOO!” Screams Lauren, falling to her knees in a gesture not unlike Darth Vader in Star Wars Episode III, when he discovers he’s killed his wife, kids and sanity. Ooops, different story!

Catherine grabs Jonny and Dom by there barely-there-boxers, and yanks them from the door, who falls onto Catherine along with Lauren looking like she had been denied a great treat (I.e. Murderous) and Catherine looking as though all her Christmas’s had come at once. Catherine “Lauren,” *muffled* “I’ve got some great news, I’ll tell you after this,” *Smiles* “GAY!” *Smiles even more* “WEDDING!!!” *Bursts into fit of giggles*

… “Aw, tell me noooooooow!” begs Lauren “Oh, Lauren …” calls Elijah, jangling the handcuff keys. Lauren momentarily forgets Catherine’s news to grab the keys, tears pouring down her … glasses.

Chloe is knocked into Elijah in Lauren’s haste, Chloe bangs into Elijah’s midsection and the keys go flying out of Elijah’s hands, through the open window and into the window cleaners eye, who was gaping shocked at the sight of grown men in singed underwear, handcuffed together, on top of a school girl and giggling hysterically at the keys going out of the window.

Lauren (again) falls to her knees in a gesture like Darth Vader, screaming hysterically, trying to kill both Chloe and Elijah.

“Serves you right, pervert!” Orlando shouts as the window cleaner falls from his ladder, down two stories and a loud crack is heard and a red substance oozes from his head. Orlando (who is the only one looking out of the window) says “Err … he’ll be alright …” *Shouts to window cleaner* “Don’t worry, it’s probably just a broken back … you’ll be fine!” Orlando closes the window and the blind and whistles innocently.

Lauren “Was there blood?” Orlando “Um … no …” *Looks out of the window again to see a flood of blood pouring down the street* “Not much!” Lauren “Oh, good. In the meantime … I refuse to attend a wedding like this! How will I GET DRESSED!?” *Looks at Dom and Jonny and blanches* Lauren “LLAMA!”

Chloe “Okay … moving on.” Viggo “I know how to open those handcuffs,” *mutters* “this is how I get out of them when Orlando falls asleep!” Whips out small pink handbag. Jonny “Great …” *Sarcastic* “Your going to bash the skin off so our skeletal hands will come out …” Viggo “NOO!” *Opens handbag, reaches in and pulls out six rubber ducks *pushes arm in to elbow* throwing knives fly out *Pushes both arms into handbag* mutters “I know it’s in here somewhere! …” *Pushes head in with hands* kitchen sink fly’s out. *Viggo’s voice echoes* “HERE IT IS!” Viggo takes his head and hands out and withdraws a six foot long sledge hammer. Viggo “HA, HAAARR!” *Guys and Lauren (handcuffees) faint*, *Viggo pulls lubricant off sledge hammer and discards hammer*

*Chloe and Elijah snigger and Viggo slaps the handcuffees awake* “THERE IS NO WAY YOU’RE SMASHING MY HAND OFF!” cries Dom “I LIKE MY HAND THE WAY IT IS! WELL … MAYBE MINUS THE HANDCUFFS, BUT STILL!” screams Jonny “Relax …” begins Viggo, but is interrupted . “Relax, don’t do it, when you want to suck to it!” sings Lauren “Oh, sorry. I just love Frankie goes to Hollywood. With all the gay people in the room, I couldn’t help it!”

Viggo “I JUSRT GOT THE LUBRICANT OFF THE HAMMER!” Handcuffees “OOOOOHHHH!” Jonny stops trying to chew his hand off, (though he didn’t get very far *Cough* barely broke the skin *Cough* *Cough*)

Dom “Hurry up!” *Viggo takes his time dividing the lubricant between the three of them, carefully applying it* Lauren *Snaps* “Take your time … it’s not like we have a WEDDING to go to!”

Lauren, Jonny and Dom FINALLY get free of Orlando’s and Elijah’s handcuffs, Lauren “I’m free, FREE, I tells ya!” Lauren begins to jump around, slips on the lubricant Viggo dropped on the floor, trips over the six rubber ducks, nearly loses her legs on the sharp edge of the kitchen sink, bangs into Angeliki and Chloe’s Grandma, the breakfast Chloe’s Grandma was carrying goes all over the bridesmaid dresses and Angeliki flies out of the window, straight into the path of an oxo cube (van).

… *Lauren sits on the floor, clutching her knees, rocking back and forth* “Must … break curse of THURSDAY!” Meanwhile, Orlando is staring in shock at the bridesmaid dresses. “Um … where’s Angeliki?” asks Chloe “You mean the tall chick with the iPod and tattoo’s saying skateboarder?” asks Jonny “Yeah, her.” says Chloe “Yep, she’ dead.” affirms Dom, a little too cheerily.

Chloe “Oh, well, c’est la vie!” Orlando “NOOO! THE DRESSES! RUINED! RUINED!” Orlando breaks down into violent sobs and shrieks against Viggo.

*Viggo pats his back with one hand and massages his protesting ears* Lauren gets up from the floor. “Hey, I’m sure a saw Angeliki!” she says “Finally something good has happened on Thursdays!” Chloe “Um … keep away from the window Lauren!” “Why?” Chloe “Um … well … you see … THE WOMBLES ARE OUTSIDE AND THEY’RE DEMANDING YOUR BLOOD!” Lauren “Darn it. I knew throwing that video away would come back to haunt me.”

*Orlando slides to the floor, hugs his knees and begins to rock backwards and forwards, eyes wide. “Ruined bridesmaid dresses … wedding soon … need … more … dresses … need more …”