I always wonder what it would be like to be free. Free from this life, this open prison. To be free from the things that, well, happen around me. The drugs, the beatings, the hate and the terror.
I’m sitting here, a beer can sitting to one side, thinking, while looking out of my bedroom window. The evening was drawing in close, and dark grey clouds slowly blotted out the sky. The weather echoed my mood. I thought about the bad, and the good – lets not forget the good – taking stock of what might be, and what could be, in my own little world.
I’ve been told I live in my own world before. My aunt says it all the time.
This may be true. Reality stinks anyway. A world that is my own creation sounds like a good place to live. I would not allow such dark clouds in my world.
‘Hey, dildo, time to go,’ says a voice suddenly. I recognised it to be Greg. I hate Greg, he’s a dick.
‘Do I have to?’ I say, looking away from the window.
‘What?’ he replied, his voice taking a dangerous tone. ‘Don’t get cocky with me, alright?’
To my shame, I shut up. I’m sixteen, and he’s much older, and much tougher. ‘Fine.’
I stand up, fingering the near empty beer can. I notice that my hand is shaking slightly. There’s a feeling, deep down, that burns. Mixed emotions of fear, loathing and excitement. It felt as if I had swallowed small chunks of burning coal that were slowly burning through my chest. I down the beer, gulping away my fears and doubt, then I throw the can to the floor and walk out the room, into the hall of my house.
I say my house, but it’s really my aunts. I live with her, and her friends. She has many friends, generally male, and generally dangerous. My life has been hard, and different, and so has my aunts. How I have came to be here, living with my aunt Tessa, is a long, tough story.
Anyway, I go into the kitchen following the broad-shouldered Greg, and meet Tessa, along with John, Chris and Sparky.
My aunt nods to me. Sparky smiles as he sits at the kitchen table, holding a bottle of Jack Daniels. Chris says nothing – he is too busy packing.
John is watching Chris, then looks up at me when I walk in. ‘Good. You’ve got three drops tonight. Take the normal route to the park for the first two, your Monday’s as normal. The third you’ll meet in the school, round the back. A new buyer. He’ll come to you, he’s looking for the dog, and so make sure he’s on the lead. Got that?
‘Yes.’ Trepidation eats through me. A new customer. I hate that. It could be anyone – even someone I know, which is horrible. Or a gang member. That never ends well. ‘Anyone coming with me?’
‘No,’ he says, ‘it’s a busy night. You have the dog, that’ll be enough.’
Conan looks up from his basket suddenly, in the hall. I could hear him move. He’s a German Shepard, and a big one at that.
‘Conan!’ Yells my Aunt. ‘Walkies! Come on Conan!’
With an excited bark, the dog bursts into the kitchen, his tail beating off everything as he runs to the door. Chris hands three packages too Tessa, who then puts them into a bag around the dogs neck. Only my aunt and me can get to it without losing our hands. A masterstroke idea of the drug-dealer.
I grab my coat and walk to the door, readying myself for the night ahead. Another night of selling drugs to people on the streets.
In my world, there will be no drugs, and no dealing.
^
The rain slowly pattered off the ground, though the sky promised something more. The wind breathed across the trees, threatening to strengthen.
I walk along the road, the streetlights switching on as move through the darkening street, the twilight turning to a fake orange glow. Conan trotted happily next to me. Much is to be said about the friendship and devotion of a dog. But they are not human. They do not always understand or see some of the most horrible things in this world. Yes, they recognise violence, and when to run or fight – or even when to protect someone they love. They can understand when you need companionship. But dogs do not understand the subtleties of evil.
My emotional barrier. My glass prison. But there is love also in this prison. I think. Maybe this is what holds me. I know my aunt would not survive without me.
Focus. You’re on a walk. Look out for yourself. It’s funny, I think all the time, but when it comes to doing something serious, in real life, I find it hard to concentrate. Maybe I’m a daydreamer, a theorist, and not an activist.
The rain is getting heavier, stirring me from my thoughts. I see the lane I will take to my first meeting of the evening. Darkness is closing, and the light fades swiftly. It will be darker tonight, with the storm clouds over head. Shitty luck. Especially with a new drop. A knot of fear, no, adrenaline, or something, sticks firmly in my chest at the thought of what could happen. No light, no one around and some dangerous gang member ready to slit my throat…
No. Don’t think like that.
I turn off the concrete pavement into the muddy lane, the light from the street lamps immediately diminishing. Conan dashes into the gloom, frantically sniffing the day’s scents. I suddenly feel naked without him, and the fact the dog’s holding the merchandise doesn’t go unnoticed. Damn, John keeps telling me to leash the son of a bitch, but I hate doing it – Conan is the only friend I have and he is only truly free when he is running.
I grip my coat closer to me, trying to keep out the rain. Why does God hate me so much that I have to live this life? I hate dealing out these ‘packages’ to others. Some of them are even younger than me. Guess that’s why John makes me do it. But, this is not me. I don’t want to be a dealer, or some kind of gangster. I want to play football, learn shit and read.
Jesus, when my aunt’s ‘friends’ found that out, I got such a beating. My head shook, remembering. That was a shit day. Conan was a mere pup at the time, and had been torn from my hands as the men beat me.
Do dogs remember such things?
The lane ended at the entrance to the park. Funnily enough, it was dark. Foreboding. Scary. As clichéd as it could get. But, no matter how much you hear a cliché, there’s some that you have to live through to understand.
Not everyone is a superhuman, fearless, barbarian.
In my world ther-
Someone steps in front of me.
‘Here, gonna give us the shit quick man, am gagging for a fix?’
I swiftly hide my emotions and whistle for Conan, who quickly runs up to me, jumping up and putting his muddy paws all over my jacket. ‘Shh, down boy,’ I say lamely. I could feel, rather than see, my first customers loathing for me.
‘Man, gonna hurry,’ he says, ‘here’s the cash, aye?’
The dog finally calms and I retrieve the first package, and then hand it to my customer, who pushes money into my hand. He soon disappears into the blackness of night once more, like the wraith I take him for.
Conan runs off into the shadows of the park once more, leaving me cold and lonely again.
In my world, I will never be lonely.
I moved further into the darkness of the park, the skeletal trees slowly swallowing me and the night around me into their despicable world.
Conan barks in the distance.
I’ve never felt so alone.
^
Soon I was soaked through, the rain unrelenting in its barrage of the world around me. This only made things worse – there would be less people out and about with such a heavy downpour.
Also, it could make me more suspicious to the police. Every good dealer knows that the pigs where one step behind them. And that’s the key – keeping the police one step behind.
Would my customer’s be as clever, or would they get me caught?
That’s even worse than being beaten, or attacked: getting arrested by the police. Not only would John’s and my Aunt’s life’s be ruined, but mine also. I would be branded a drug dealer and my future would be destroyed.
I live for my future. The present is a persistent nightmare, but tomorrow is the future and brings a glimmer of hope.
Why do I stay with my aunt and endure such a torrid life? I could run, run until I found my glorious future and forget my evil past…
No. I can’t. I…
I’ve turned off the path and I can suddenly see people in front of me. There’s two or three of them and they look like their waiting around. It’s the right place, so they must be customers. I hope its Donny, and not someone else.
Conan appears next to me, which makes me feel much better. For once, it looks like he actually realises what is going on.
I walk up to the group through the curtain of rain, the wind suddenly gusting through the trees park, grabbing at trees as it passes.
As soon as I arrive, I notice Donny, well, I see someone who stands and dresses like him, but his face is shadowed under a hood. I look down and suddenly realise that my dog has once more ran off, leaving me alone and more importantly, without the drugs. Shit.
‘Hi Donny,’ I say as way-of-welcome.
‘Alright mucker,’ he replies. His face is deep in shadow still, but I recognise the voice. At least it’s him.
‘Give us a minute, I’ll get the dog.’ I whistle for Conan.
‘Aye,’ he says, ‘but don’t take too long.’
I’m shaking. Hopefully he thinks it’s because I’m cold. I know its because he scares me, and I think he’s pissed off. He could really hurt me. His friend beside him looks like a boxer – a wall of muscle under a hooded jacket. The other is a good-looking girl, obviously drawn to his power over people like me. I’m never gonna get a girl like that.
Conan appears again, and as quick as I can I pull the gear out of the leather pouch around his neck. ‘There,’ I start, ‘here’s the gear.’
His lady-friend takes it from me, giving me a sultry look. She’s way to good-looking for a guy like that. But she has that look about her. How do I describe it…? She gets about? Too much make up? Ouch, I don’t know…
I suddenly realise that Donny isn’t handing over any money.
He’s looking right at me.
The shadows of his hood seem to have gone, and in the faint light of the park light, I catch a glint in his eyes - his predatory eyes.
Shit. How am I going to get the money from him?
‘So,’ Donny says, like a hyena sniffing around prey, ‘Sparky or Chris not here tonight?’
I don’t like this. ‘No. Just me and the dog.’
‘Oh, the dog!’ He says, sarcastically. ‘How the fuck can that thing protect you?’
Shit. ‘What…?’
‘That dog couldn’t stop a fuckin butterfly kicking your ass!’ He stepped toward me. I clenched my fists and held my ground, just like John taught me to do. ‘I mean, you’re taking a chance, aren’t you, with all that grunge and money on you, all on your own?’
This is it. He’s going to attack me. Shit, shit, shit…
He looks directly into my eyes and I’m sure he sees the fear welling up within me.
‘Look, man,’ he says, ‘I’m only messing! Just look out for yourself, aye?’
What? Relief washes through me. He’s joking. Bloody hell, but it wasn’t funny! ‘Aye, cool. Well, have you got the cash anyway?’
‘Of course,’ he answers levelly, then hands me the money.
The rain has eased since I met Donny and his friends, and the wind has died down to a whisper.
I take the money and leave the area as quick as possible, calling for my stupid dog as I go.
One more drop before I get to go home.
I hope the worst is over.
^
So the rain has pretty much stopped and I am on my way to the last drug deal of the night. I somehow feel better. Two down and one to go.
I pull my coat close, trying to shut out the cold and damp air. The gloom and faint light of the park gives way to the brighter lights of a school building. A six-foot, wire fence, surrounds the school but I know the gaps with which to sneak through. I shout for my dog, and when he appears I trudge onwards, heading towards a bunch of bushes – behind which lies the hidden entrance.
Moments later I am walking across a dark, empty playground, lit only by a few street-lamps and security lights. I always feel a chill run through me when I walk here, I don’t really know why.
I suddenly see my final customer. It’s a middle-aged man. He seems more scared than me, especially when he is introduced to my hulking, if stupid, dog. Conan does look scary like a big wolf in the dark. The man is wearing a large raincoat that doesn’t seem to fit him properly, giving him a disjointed, awkward look. Like he was a dressed-up scarecrow. And a shit one at that.
The transaction takes only moments, and the man hurries away from me. I am all-to-happy to be away from him and the nights work also. A heavy weight lifts from my shoulders and I smile, glad the dealing is done.
I have two choices: I can walk up the main street, back to my aunt’s house, or go back through the park, back up the winding lanes behind the maze of houses and flats that surround me.
I take the lanes. I have to be careful of the police.
In the world in which I am president, or el presidente, as I shall be called, there will be kind, thoughtful police who understand the plight of young man who deals drugs for his aunts mean boyfriend.
^
I wonder what it would be like to be living another life?
I mean, I don’t want to be a millionaire or anything. I just want a normal life, like my friends at school. I want a mum and dad and a sister or two. I want to be worrying about results at school and what university I will go to, not about how drunk and high my aunts friends will get, or how the next drug deal will go. I’m not suited to this life, but I can’t break free.
I’m too scared, truth be told. And who would look after Conan? Also, I know my aunt loves me. When John is not around she looks after me and everything is almost normal. Almost.
The first punch smacks across my jaw like a thunderbolt and I drop to the ground in a haze. The pain bites deep. I am winded next, as someone kicks me in the stomach. I fold my body up into a foetal position, trying to protect myself from more harm. I don’t-
I get hit again. What the fuck is going on?
‘Hit the bitch again!’ I hear someone cry. It sounds like a girl.
‘No, stop.’ says a firm voice. It belongs to Donny.
The fog of pain slows dilutes and I begin to understand: Donny and his group have attacked me. I taste blood. My face burns in pain and I feel a dull aching in my chest from the earlier blow.
‘Fucking give us the money,’ says Donny, his voice almost cracking with excitement. ‘Or I’ll fucking cut your face open.’
Cold fear ripples across me as if I have been through into a pool of ice water. I don’t know what to do. What should I-
Firm hands drag me up from the ground. I realise that I have my eyes shut tight. I open them, and remember that I am in a lane. A dark, empty lane. No one knows I’m here. Oh shit, Oh shit!
I see Donny from out of the darkness. His girl is standing next to him and both of them are facing me. His brutish friend from earlier is holding me up. Great. This is bad, so bad.
‘I’m not joking. Give me the money you fucking pussy.’
I can’t breath. Panic is welling up within me. ‘Th-The dog. He’s got it.’
Donny smiled. It was a knowing, evil smile. ‘No it doesn’t. You have it in your jacket. And the dogs left you anyway, as chicken-shit-scared as you.’
Why do these things always happen to me? I must have been a really bad person in another life, because God truly hates me. It’s just wrong and unfair.
I struggle with the big brute and try to free myself, I think I’m calling for Conan, or I might be yelling for help. Donny steps closer and slaps me across the face.
‘No one is going to help you. You’re alone.’
I try to tear myself free, but I can’t escape. I begin to drown in an empty, helpless feeling.
Donny continues to smile as he flashes a wicked looking knife. No, God please no…
‘You’re gonna smile nice the rest of your life.’ He says as he moves closer.
Then a dark shape appears from out of nowhere. It hits Donny in his face and shoulders and envelopes him in darkness. I get hit and momentum pulls me and the idiot brute to the ground. The girl screams and suddenly I hear my saviour, barking and snarling wildly.
Conan. My useless dog. Not so useless now.
I hear Donny scream in pain and Conan barks menacingly. I rip myself away from Donny’s friend and roll through the muddy lane. I can see my dog as he bites into Donny’s arm – the arm that once held the knife, but no longer. Conan, in his fury, releases the arm and knocks heads with my attacker, sending him sprawling.
The girl has ran into the night, screaming as she goes. Though, from my prone position, I see the brute stand up and kick out at my dog. Conan takes the hit in his neck and falters momentarily, planting his big paws in the muddy lane, then –just as quick – leaps at the brute, barrelling into his chest, jaws snapping at his throat.
I scream for Conan to stop. I need to get away from here, but I will not leave my dog behind. But Conan’s feral instinct has taken over, and he will not stop until his enemies are dead.
The brute batters off the ground and tries to push Conan off of him. The German Shepard merely tears into his flailing arms, growling and barking as he goes. I race to my feet, fear and adrenaline holding me together and I grab his collar. With effort I pull him away, but in his fury, Conan turns and attacks me, his powerful jaws snapping at my hands. I retreat unsteadily, screaming out his name.
Suddenly he seems to recognise me and turns away, but I have a hold of his collar and with a mighty effort I drag him away from my attackers.
Both men run away from me as fast as they can. I’m sure I will laugh this off as funny another day, but right now I am just as scared and can barely feel my face because of the pain.
As my would-be attackers retreat into the night, I fall to the ground once more, hugging my big dog close. Tears flow freely down my cheeks as I embrace my saviour. He growls in response, his way to reassuring me I am safe.
In my world, there will be no lanes allowed, nor darkness.
^
I arrive home. My jacket is torn, and my cheek bleeds freely, mixing with my tears. My body feels weary and pain wracked. My soul blackened once more. Conan looks almost as bad.
But my job is done for another night and I am in the relative safety of my aunts’ house. John makes sure the money is safe before heading out with his gang to find my assailants. I hope they don’t find Donny. That would just lead to even more trouble.
But the cycle of my life will continue and I will not be free. I have nowhere to go and must fight ever onwards to whatever destiny my aunt and her friends have for me.
Conan barks at me. Maybe I could–
I think in my world I will just be free.