We are the Reeds

Since I am usually an emotional, lovey- dovey type of person that lays out my feelings for everyone to see, I was expecting what is typically called "The Honeymoon" (period of time prior to the adoption actually being difficult) to happen after we got custody of our girls.  Instead, reality set in and I soon felt overwhelmed by what we had just done.  Knowing that I could have been better prepared for these feelings, instead of thinking that everything would be just peachy made me feel all the more isolated at the time.  Pouring out my feelings to my husband after our girls were asleep, I admitted that I thought I made a mistake.  Begging for him to agree with me, I found a new love for him when he wouldn't.  He told me that he had made the choice to love these girls a long time ago and he was going to be true to his word.  He encouraged me by saying we would get through this time together and even offered for me to go home early while he stayed in Moscow to finish up the paperwork.  Never putting me down and offering my burdens up to God, helped me to go on. 

Once we were home, things started to get better.  The problems I was having with them while we were in Russia seemed to fade once they saw that we were treating them like our other children.  With nothing for them to compare with while in Russia, I think they felt that maybe I was being to hard on them.   Deciding once and for all that there was no turning back I threw myself into being their Mom.  To make things easy for them, we laid down the rules and layered on the love.  Being consistent, we let nothing slide.  When one of the girls had one of her tantrums equipped with screaming, kicking, banging the walls and pinching we let her know what we would do.  We told her we would hold her and cover her mouth until she stopped even if that meant 20 minutes.  I went on to explain how her screaming could scare her little brothers.  She went on to have a total of four tantrums and has never had one since.  We believe in timeouts and taking away priveleges like playing computer, watching tv, having desert, and staying up late of riday nights.  For three weeks it was test after test to see if we would do what we said we would and each time yes we did.  One morning one of our daughters forgot her lunch and even though she ate a school lunch expected to come home and eat the lunch she had forgotten.  If  I would have allowed that then what would have been her motivation to not forget her lunch again?  Needless to say, neither of them have ever forgotten their lunch again. 

Used to us giving them gift after gift in the orphanage, our girls entered our family with a sense of entitlement that bugged the heck out me.  Being sensitive to the fact that they had never really had anything that they could call their own,  I still wanted to emphasize that our family was a sharing family.   I went out to buy them new bikes with money we received as a gift for them joining our family.  As we were picking them out I let them know that even though these were their bikes I expected them to share with their brothers and sister just like they had shared with them.  I told them that if they didn't share they would be taken away as quickly as they were given.  Nodding that they understood, we drove home with new bikes in the back of our van.  Talking about it all the way home, the girls were anxious to ride "their" new bikes.  With my other children being gracious enough to not even ask to ride their new bikes for many days, sharing never came up.  But one day, Andrew finally asked Sveta to ride her bike and she screamed "NO, my bike!"  Gently reminding her that we share, I asked her if he could have a turn riding her bike.  Still reluctant, I had her go into the house for ten minutes and told her he would ride the bike anyway because our family shares.  Sad and probably mad she obeyed as she went inside the house.  With Andrew still having fun riding her bike, she came out and wanted to ride William's scooter.  Asking her why she expected William to share she sweetly answered in Russian, "We all share."  Up to this point sharing has not really been an issue anymore.  They share toys, barrettes, socks, skates and even gum (I'm trying to break the gum sharing though). 

With so much to do as a mom, I wanted their adjustment and ours to be quick and easy.  I wanted to get to the point where I felt comfortable sleeping in for twenty minutes even after the girls were awake because they felt comfortable enough to come into our room quietly and snuggle into our beds with us and watch cartoons with whichever other kids were also awake.  I wanted to get to the point where we could drop them off in the morning for school and have them make it through the day and still  greet us with a happy smile when school was over.  I wanted to get to the point where they felt comfortable enough with my older boys Adam and Caleb so much that Adam and Caleb would finally come to me and ask me to tell them to stop chasing and bugging them.   I wanted them to adjust to the point that they didn't think I was being mean because I didn't let them have a one hour bath every day.  With the list able to go on and on, I can happily say, "We are there!"   With thankfulness, I will continue to trust God that he had this planned all along.  I know that something new will arise, maybe even tomorrow, but we will cross that bridge when we get to it.  Why should they be any different from my other children who have "some sort of crisis at least once a day"?   "Someone hurt my feelings", "So and so laughed at me",  "Caleb won't sit by me",  "Jonny won't stop touching me with his foot",  "So and so said I did it when I didn't", "My homework is too hard!"...........  the list can go and on.  Also, I know that deeper issues may surface because of their past, and John and I will be there to love them through those too. 

With so many kids running around, it could be a wonder that we get any peace and quiet.  Well believe it or not, we do.  Being consistent in the way we love, discipline and overall parent is the key to running our tight ship.  Realizing that all we need to know is right in the bible, has made parenting quite easy.  Turning to God's words of wisdom has proven most effective in raising our children.  My role as mom goes hand in hand with my husband's role as Dad.  We try to never go against each other as that only leads to inconsistency, something the children pick up very easily and use to their advantage.  Believe me when I say that even if you don't agree with how your spouse is handling a parenting issue do not let the children see that you disagree.

It wasn't until we were expecting our third child that we finally took a parenting course at our church called "Growing Kids God's Way."  Realizing that going through the course just once wasn't enough to really learn what the bible teaches in regards to dicipline and how to apply it, we ended up leading the course four more times after that. 

When we decided to adopt our main discussion as to how we would handle the challenges that would arise was quite simple.  We would simply be ourselves and love our new children just like we love our other children.  John reminded me that love is a choice even when you feel there is none and that when you make love a choice it  (eventually) comes naturally without even trying.  Kind of like how we feel about each other when we are in a disagreement.  At that moment we are simply choosing to love one another rather than just saying to heck with it all.

John 15:12
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
 

1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

When I was little I remember what my biggest fears were.  My parents fought alot and all I could focus on was making sure my Mom was ok.  I felt a heavy burden on my shoulders and I think I acted out because I resented the fact that I was not given the chance to just be a kid.  Don't get me wrong,  I love both my parents and I think they did what they thought was best at the time.  But in reality, the best thing they taught me was how not to treat each other in marriage.  I think having taken that lesson to heart and being able to apply it to our marriage, has made our children, even Sveta and Anna see that they have nothing to fear about our love for each other.  I believe that when our children feel secure about our love for each other they have little reason to misbehave.

Also, using the Golden Rule, "Treat others as you want to be treated" has been a helpful reminder to the whole family.  When you are about to say something, think about whether or not that is something you would want to hear.  If not, then it is probably best that you keep it to yourself.  Learning these values is a lifelong process even for me, but has proven to be lifesaving in some rocky relationships.   When my children get into an argument/fight I have them write a letter of encouragement to each other as a way to get them back on track to thinking nicely about each other.  Humbly, I have them read it to each other and usually that ends the battle. 

As parents, the most important thing we try to remember is that we are our children's example.  How we act and treat others is how they will most likely grow up to be like.  What an opportunity to mold these young hearts and minds into someone who is patient, caring, and sensitive to others feelings.   Now, I am reminded as to why they all tend to shout when they speak.   I will definitely work on this.