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The People's Bigfoot
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Main Entry: B•FRO•min•a•ti
Pronunciation: bee-froh-min-ah-tee
Function: noun plural
1 capitalized: secretive group claiming special sasquatchal enlightenment.
2: any individual member of the larger group that actively seeks to horde Bigfoot evidence and goodies from the rest of the class.
Attention comrades! We, here at The People’s Bigfoot, have found THE item that the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization does not want you to see. Finally! Absolute proof of their true, dark intentions.
[page 1]
BFROminati Manifesto:
Wherein we detail our plan for complete and total Bigfoot information domination.
Our organization will be made up of only the very elite in the Bigfoot community. Our inner circle will be secret and impenetrable. Membership will only be awarded, it cannot be earned. There are certain factors that will increase chances of BFROminati membership:
1. Attain a Law School degree and contribute ridiculous amounts of money to the BFROminati cause.
2. Become a leading expert in Biology, Anthropology, and primate research. Spend years attaining your PhD and winning a professorship at an Ivy League school. Once complete announce your belief in a tabloid monster, calling your sanity into question in front of the entire academic community.
The benefits of BFROminati member are ample:
1. Access to the inner circle internet forums. Added bonus: reading the emails sent by commoners pleading for a forum on the BFRO.net website.
2. Immediate access to the most current evidence. Including automatic overnight delivery of the clear, irrefutable footage that turns up from time to time.
3. Complimentary copy of “Sasquatch: Legend Meets Science – Special Edition” featuring commentary by Matt Moneymaker & Bob Gimlin.
4. Access to Nightvision goggles. See “Expedition Fees” section below.
5. The smug knowledge that you know a bunch of crap that the suckers don’t.
[page 2]
There are 2 key elements to making the BFROminati a dominating force: the BFRO.net website & the annual Expeditions.
The Expeditions: See Your Very Own Bigfoot (we may drop the subtitle) are the only time we are required to mingle with common Bigfoot hobbyists (remember, they’re our biggest $upporters). There will be an $800 entry fee for each non-BFRO participant. Their fee will cover Nightvision goggles they will not be allowed to use, Sasquatch pheromone chips, and Vanilla Starbucks Frappucinos, BFRO members only. Added bonus: Using Nightvision to observe noob expedition members sitting in the dark woods for hours at a time.
Fees will not cover housing, transportation, food or equipment.
When nothing happens during the trip, we will put on our best disappointment faces and encourage the plebeians to come back next year and try again. Suckers.
We will fail to update the main page of BFRO.net for weeks at a time. Our loyal sycophants will continue to check it every morning, hanging on the hope that there will be something new to see. When we do update it, we will only post information about our next $800 expedition.
We will NOT post an update on the previous expedition that took place 3 months earlier.
There will be possible 2 reasons for this. One, the most evidence collected was weird feelings and snapping twigs. Two, we managed to capture a live Bigfoot and are busy studying him in the BFROminati lab.
Additional fund raising: We will post an update called “Three Best Pieces of Footage.” Instead of the link leading to media downloads, it will lead to an advertisement for a $30 DVD. Funds will go to our Member’s Only Australian Yowie Hunt and Surfing Adventure.
[page 3]
On BFRO.net, we will control the most professional and powerful Bigfoot website on the internet.
We will encourage people to submit their painful and personal Bigfoot sightings at: feedusinfo@bfro.net
We will allow people to submit questions about our secretive policies and lack of transparency at: trashcan@bfro.net
We will collect all of the best evidence for the existence of Bigfoot, then fail to provide an actual archive of these media on the website. We will talk about how awesome the stuff the public doesn’t get to see is. Please see the following examples:
We will write about the Tahoe Scream, by far the clearest, best audio of a Bigfoot ever recorded. We will tell them about how wonderful it is, and listen to it on our iPods. They can look for it on our website. They can search for it on the internet. But they will never hear it, because it’s ours.
We will sponsor a professional criminal sketch artist to interview Bigfoot eyewitnesses, drawing in detail the appearance of the Bigfoot they encountered. This will yield amazing results, giving us the most accurate depictions of Bigfoot ever. We will hang these sketches on our walls, thumb through them at our leisure, enjoy the results, and laugh at the number of excited geeks who talk about the sketches they’ll never see.
We will obtain the only copy of the “NY footage.” We will post tantalizing, yet cryptic descriptions, on our website, mentioning how the footage depicts a Bigfoot and her young in a tree. We will post a report of this footage in the database for 16-20 hours before removing it. The footage and report will never reach the internet.
Please file this document in the “G” archive next to “Gimlin 2nd Camera Angle – Patty,” under “Gross Abuse of Power.”
*End Manifesto*
Bigfooter’s unite! This is a real conspiracy! The BFROminati are bourgeoisie elites who don’t share with the common man! We will bombard BFRO until they release the information we demand to see! NY footage! Tahoe Scream! Unless of course they ask The People’s Bigfoot to join their club… then screw the rest of you suckers!
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