The Stage Door Keepers blog

I know, I know I have been a vey bad keeps indeed and have neglected our little blog for nearly a whole year. However, desperate times call for desperate measures and it’s about time Baby J & I passed comment on the woeful mutiny that has bestowed the good ship Babylon.

In spring last year the remaining embers of the financial crisis that flickered in the limes of our beloved theatre ebbed to a dying smoulder. A new dawn was rising and a new leaf was to be turned. And ‘turned’ is exactly what happened.

Now as you know we Keeps, in our infinite wisdom know a thing or two about thea-tah and we have imparted this knowledge to you many times; we are not selfish. Any novice could tell you at least one of the golden rules about treading the boards, such as never work with children or animals(incidently this also applies to telly - BECTU/BEEB Agreement section 20 paragragh 40). But there is one single solitary diamond encrusted rule that must NEVER be broken. Turns are turns and they must never be allowed anywhere else in the building apart from the stage,dressing rooms and green room. Occasionally we let them use the toilets but only if they threaten to ruin a good frock over a poorly timed gig-sh*te. Turns should never be seen in the following places:

• Lounging on the stage door sofa with iphone cememted to side of head moaning to mummy or lavishing whimpery words of woe to some poor bastard in Hull.
• Near any electrical equipment or any piece of office equipment. They must never be allowed to use the photocopier, paper shredder or stage door computer.
• And most certainly not ever, ever, ever in any kind of officey suit environment. 

And that is precisely what has happened here at Babylon. A turn with a hankering for a Hugo Boss suit and a desire for dry cleaned shirts accidently got in the lift and made his way to the third floor. And so the drama began to enfold in the tale of the tyranical turn, the mad axe woman and their obligatory sidekick, Comedy Bob. Armed with a few business-man type buzzwords they set about in their own style of seagull management, flapping around the office shitting on everything. The axe woman swept back her scarlet tresses and with one swing of her blade, the mice on the mice organ were smashed to smithereens.

It’s a sad affair when Turns loose their way in life. Gone is the enthusiasm they had when they first slipped on the legwarmers and panto wanker-danced their way to swing in a regional touring production ofWorsel Gummidge the Musical.  The grease paint slips a bit and suddenly they find themselves wandering back down the pier eargerly brandishing copies of Middle Management for Dummies. Their toned physique disappears under the weight one too many business lunches and before you know the bottom button on the pinstriper is creating a ducks arse affair around the derrière.

Hard times in Theatre Babylon but we will soldier on

Keeping you posted

x

Just when I thought things couldn't possibly get any better or more exciting at Theatre Babylon - along come a proper bony-fidy hollywood superstar legend to grace our hallowed boards!!

The Theatre was buzzing from the very moment it was published that this clever little whodunnit would be part of our spring season.  Theories were rife as to whether said hollywood leg-end would be lovely, would be a diva or would be a complete recluse etc etc.

And I'm happy to report that he was the embodiment of absolute charm and loveliness.  He really didn't disappoint (except on one occassion after the friday performance when he just WASN'T up to facing the hundreds who were skulking outside stage door to get their annuals and small children signed.  That really didn't go down well!

Another thing, probably quite outlandishly perhaps, that I was hoping for was his arrival to the Theatre in a huge black van with a very familiar theme-tune blaring as it approached.  That would've been too funny - I can but dream!

Next week sees the start of 6 days of fresh hell, as we open the Door to a show that infamously almost brought the house down last time it was here.  There were so many fights breaking out that particular weekend, we feared we wouldn't have a Theatre to return to. 

It would have been an ideal job for the A-Team, putting the ice on all those drunken women looking a bit of naked stripper guy-candy flesh.  I'm shuddering at the thought of it already, but will keep you posted.

Baby J x 

My my my... I knew it wouldn't last very long.

Formally at Theatre Babylon - we Keepers had been experiencing somewhat of a servere drought on the Leading Lady/Leading Man front.  It was getting really ugly, actually - and I'd temperarily lost my will to blog.  Apologies for that!

However, with every famine comes a feast.  And last week was no exception!  We didn't have 1, 2 or even 3 leading ladies, on no.  We had 6!!  Count 'em!  (Oh, and some glorified TV gardener from yesteryear - who's June was quite literally busting, spilling and positively oozing out all over!! I'm suprised they got sunflowers BIG enough. Talk about being typecast.)  Each performance was completely packed out.  It was amazing, and long overdue, to see.

All that said, those ladies (and the one male soap 'star' - again - of yesteryear) were some of the loveliest.  It was a real joy to have them.  I even extended myself to status of uber-helpful Keeps and opened doors for them, and generally had a mega-watt smile plastered on my face the entire time.

This week is no exception on the excitement front - of which I'll have to keep you posted!

A newly awakened...

Baby Jane

X

Poor old Baby J has been manning this ship alone for about a month now whilst I have been off jollying the seas of a new horizon. However the truth is, I have been working on a few new projects and have been secretly filming a reality show for ITV12 called ‘Keep’er Real’.

After last year’s massive flop ‘Keepers on the Couch’ I decided it was best to take to my bed for a while (Charlotte Church will identify with this) and regroup. Here I am rejuvenated and fluttering like a new butterfly and ready for a new season of media mongering. Due to the over saturation of the realit-TV market I decided to go for a more Truman Show-style approach and keep Baby J completely in the dark about my antics. Thanks to Jordan and Peter, the amount of over hyped reality rubble has become not only boring but painful to watch (em so I’m told). Ever the eager beaver I was keen to cash in on this market before it dried up completely. So I struck a deal with the devil and sold both our souls to the Broadcasting Beelzebub; ITV. Well, I have seen the rushes and I am so excited! Baby J has made fascinating viewing snugly skipping around the stage door in blissful ignorance of the media frenzy that is about to unfold. You see we have abandoned the documentary style format, which is well into its twilight years on the reality TV circuit and opted for a more voyeuristic approach. Safely hidden inside the stage door CCTV is a complex network of cameras capable of viewing a stray hair on Madonna’s arse. I must say, I have learnt a lot about my fellow keeps, such as the way he uses my nail file to buff his bunions like stale parmesan, splayed legs and arms akimbo on the keeper’s couch after a misjudged Kylie twirl and how he beats the kids when (he thinks) I’m not looking. I can forgive him for the latter simply because I do it too. What? It’s a good way to relieve the stress of a busy get in. They don’t allow us to hit the amdrams so we have to get our kicks from somewhere.

With the imminent arrival of our seasonal slipper sox in panto production week I feel we Keeps will be at our best. I have said it before, an idle mind is the devils space hopper and it is where we Keeps allow our creativity to thrive.

Freeview at the ready

Keeping you posted

x

Finally, I've been enlightened!  I hate to say it (mostly because I hate admitting I'm wrong) - but I've watched two operas in a row - and NOW I LOVE THEM!!!  A last!!!

Yes, Theatre Babylon is hosting a touring Opera company who are putting on 2 lavish shows.

I promised myself earlier in the week that these would be my last ditch attempts to try and cultivate some sort of appreciation for the dying art form that is Opera.  When I sat in on the first performance - I was pleasantly suprised to discover that it was sung in English!  How helpful of them! This opened all the doors for me to then just focus and enjoy!  Which I thoroughly did!  What a romp!

Last night I got the chance to dust off the old French-speaking cobwebs, and was able to get engrossed (and keep up with) the tragic unrequited love story that unfolded before my eyes.  And, again, was pleasantly rewarded!  (The little sur-title boxes on either side of the stage are genious!)  I've now seen the light...

There has been mega oddness today on our switchboard, making me question if I was the victim of some cruel hoaxes.  It turns out that when both Brian Adams AND Michael Bolton called to speak to various members of our Administration, it was simply a curious case of duplicate names, and not those actual singing sensations (well, 1 out of 2 ain't bad I guess) calling to book time into our beautiful Mecca.  How very peculiar, although stranger things have happened!!

Once my shift has been completed tonight, I shall be spreading Hallow'een frolics dressed as Lady GaGa, and will keep you posted on the outcome....

Baby J