It has become something of a tradition here on he Whistler that I produce some kind of festive article as my last commentary of the year, and 2009 will indeed be no exception.
I’m hugely fond of the traditions we have at this time of year. I insist on turkey for Christmas dinner, and sprouts (which of course no one likes anyway, but Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without them, would it?)
I like a glass or two of sherry on Christmas Eve, and pork pie for dinner that evening. We generally are involved in a huge party on Boxing Day (26th December) and this year, the wife and I are hosting the occasion at our house, which should be lovely. But expensive. And something of a hassle. But what the hell.
So in keeping with such traditions, I have concluded that the Christmas article that I generally post at this time of year (and have done since the birth of this website) is now a staple part of my Christmas and, repetitive though it is, I’m going to do it anyway. It gives me a warm glow within.
Yes people of the world (wide web), it’s the last commentary before Christmas, and indeed the last commentary of 2009. In that past (last year excluded) I have filled this article with jokes and things, but to be perfectly honest with you, I haven’t heard any festive jokes with regaling you with for quite sometime now. So I’m going to skip it. Apologies and all that, but I find the re-hashing of old jokes the job of Christmas Crackers, and not this website (believe it or not. Damn, I can almost hear the deluge of emails making their way over to me as I type this!)
Instead, I’m going to cut right to the chase (whatever that means- I’ve only ever heard it said in films) and get straight on with…
(Fanfare!)
Oh, hang on! There is one new Christmas joke I came across over the last few weeks, so I’ll share it with you here.
After hearing the Christmas story and singing "Silent Night", a Sunday School Class in Sao Paulo, Brazil was asked to draw what they thought the Nativity Scene might have looked like....
One little fellow did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary and the baby Jesus, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure.
The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked St. Nick into the scene asked him who that was. She wasn't sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy responded, "Oh, that's Round John Virgin."
Oh come on. It wasn’t that bad! Anyway, as I was saying, let’s get on with…
(Fanfare again!)
My Annual Seasonal Best Wishes List!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (this saves me a bloody fortune on greetings cards!!!)
I’d like to take this opportunity in the last commentary before Christmas, and indeed the last commentary of the year, to thank every single person who has taken a look at the site. I’d like to thank the people who come back every now and then to check what’s happening, and the people who (no matter what they have to say!) take the time out to drop me a line. I always enjoy receiving the emails.
So I’m gonna do my Christmas greetings right here: I want to wish a HUGE Merry Christmas and a fantastic New Year to EVERY READER of The Whistler, as well as…
My son, Ethan and my wife Rachel.
My Mum, Dad and Grandad.
Claire, Andy and my brand new nephew Joshua.
Neil, Julie, Kerry, Niall and Craig.
My co-writers- Johnny from The Whistler Down Under and Sarah from The Whistler Youth.
Ex-contributors Tammy (and her sons Jason and Gavin) from the old Whistler USA page (come back Tammy!), Jake (formerly of The Jake Page, now at http://jakebert.wordpress.com)
Special mention and a huge thank you for his support goes out to Leroy Johnson from http://www.sorryaboutleroy.com
Also (here goes…) Joyce, Jeebs & Kia Ora, Stace & Ste, Kerry & Rob, Sprinkles, Davis, Bayer, Carl, RPL, Funtime Frankie, Klitt!, Scotty, Biggun, Lee and Craig (another Craig, that is- not me).
Also, some special greetings this year (for the first time) go to all of my followers on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/whistlercraig - with specific mention of:
morosamt, DeadHaunted, butterbean74, barkastwit, Zerotolove, Caro65, Gingersam89, travvygee123, LovelyShoes, CiarOD, MrJCFitz, LexiRB, JayneH1965, AdamRTravers, AdBot72
I heartily recommend you do a Twitter search and follow each and every one of them!!
Also, merry frolics to everyone who works at the company I work for (you know who you are) except certain people among you who I despise (I guess you probably know who you are too!)
Everybody who knows me that I’ve missed off the list- it’s an oversight, but happy Christmas to you all!
I hope all of you have an incredible Christmas, and a healthy and successful 2010 (my God, that’s the space age, surely!) Have a wonderful festive period, and I’ll be back, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for my first commentary of 2010 on Monday 11th January. Hope you can come back and join me then.
I’ll be pretty damn active on Twitter over the festive period at www.twitter.com/whistlercraig so follow me on there and stay in touch.
Otherwise…
‘Til next year, folks…
Hello Whistlerettes, I hope that once again I find you all well! It’s been a heck of a week for me this last seven days (those of you who follow me on Twitter will be aware) but we’re back now, all safe and sound, and ready for the downhill run into Christmas! Hurrah!
The topic I’d like to speak to you all about this week is something which I have in fact covered before to some extent on these pages, but a few interesting finds on the old worldwide web have resurrected my interest in the topic.
The topic is, once more, global warming.
Regular readers of this site will be more than aware of my opinions on climate change etc. I truly believe that evidence is being controlled and manipulated in order to try to prove we are facing a crisis on an unprecedented scale, while all evidence to the contrary is being swept under the carpet.
And the reason they are doing this? I believe that the reason various world governments are putting all this ‘evidence’ and scare-mongering onto us, is simply so they can take more of our hard-earned money off us, with the introduction of such things as ‘green taxes’ and the like. Higher gas and electricity bills to encourage us to turn the thermostat down or not to leave the television on standby in order to apparently safe the planet, when in fact it is simply to charge us exorbitant rates for our necessities. The introduction of taxes for throwing away too much rubbish. Petrol prices and road taxes spiralling so we can only afford to make journeys which are absolutely vital?
Just something to make you think, but doesn’t the climate on earth change constantly, all be it at a very slow rate? There is evidence available which proves that even before man was on the planet we had ice ages and other extreme weather
patterns, and we only really have accurate data from around the last 100 years or so which display any graphical evidence of shifting weather patterns, which by my reckoning is a mere fraction of the time man has been here on planet earth, let alone life in general.
Whilst researching this article, I stumbled across a few things which greatly intrigued me, and I would like to take this opportunity to share this with you all. I encourage everyone who may be the slightest bit interested in this ‘hot’ topic <geddit?> to please watch this new Finnish documentary that has interviews with Steve McIntryre and Professor Lindzen. The content is a total rebuttal of the hockey stick lie referring to original raw data. (English/Finnish-subtitles)
http://dotsub.com/view/19f9c335-b023-4a40-9453-a98477314bf2
The film makers have set out to prove that the mass media has downplayed the fact that alarmist pseudo-scientists have been debunked many times yet refuse to change their skewed conclusions. If correct, this could well be the greatest conspiracy our leaders have foisted on us.
The bloggers on the internet are doing a sterling job in exposing the lies that have brought us to Copenhagen. Slowly the mainstream media is catching up with what we all can see with our own eyes on the Web.
Day after day we have been fed stories about the ice caps melting, but with a little searching, it becomes possible to discover other certain facts about such issues. For instance, there are many that believe (with some interesting evidence) that such stories are just that- pure nonsense. I stumbled across a post by one eminent gentleman who has studied this subject for several years and time and again has produced evidence to demonstrate that the real world data is at odds with the alarmists’ claims. He doesn’t name himself through fear of losing his position working within propagators of something which governments refer to as ‘Cop15’, which would appear to be the promotion of terrifying global warming propaganda. The scientist (who held my attention for so long) believes that this so-called ‘Cop15’ is nothing more than a political con trick on us all.
He gives various examples as well, demonstrating that Antarctic Sea Ice charts don’t fit well in the catastrophic anthropogenic global warming narrative. So what happens? Well, the alarmists choose to suppress them. But here are the graphs which he uses to demonstrate that there isn’t a great deal for us to be worrying ourselves about:
Antarctic Sea Ice Extent from NSIDC:
http://nsidc.org/data/seaice_index/images/daily_images/S_timeseries.png
Antarctic Sea Ice Extent from Cryosphere Today:
http://arctic.atmos.uiuc.edu/cryosphere/IMAGES/current.anom.south.jpg
Global Sea Ice Area from Cryosphere Today:
http://arctic.atmos.uiuc.edu/cryosphere/IMAGES/global.daily.ice.area.withtrend.jpg
It’s intriguing stuff, and appears to show little or no variation at all for the last forty years or so. So why is this evidence being suppressed. Could it be that, after all is said and done, global warming really is nothing within the realms of our control and, no matter how much various governments try to introduce taxes to control the situation, there really is nothing that can be done about it at all?
Who am I to say, but there are some pretty convincing arguments out there on the subject, many of which are convincing enough to make you sit up and think: hang on a minute here, we’re being taken for a ride.
Let’s be honest, people. Many, many millions of pounds have already been studying and procrastinating (and maybe even manipulating). This is not good at all for British science.
Last week I mentioned on my Twitter page (http://www.twitter.com/whistlercraig) that I was cobbling this article together, and one of my followers sent me a link to an intriguing story, the general gist of which I shall now outline for you.
The page was posted as a story on the BBC news website, and claimed that emails hacked from a climate research institute suggest climate change does not have a human cause, according to Saudi Arabia's lead climate negotiator.
Mohammad Al-Sabban told BBC News that the issue will have a "huge impact" on next week's UN climate summit, with countries unwilling to cut emissions.
Other scientists say the e-mails from the University of East Anglia do not alter the picture of man-made warming.
The e-mails issue arose two weeks ago when hundreds of messages between scientists at the university's Climatic Research Unit (CRU) and their peers around the world were posted on the world wide web, along with other documents.
It appears that the material was hacked or leaked; a police investigation has yet to reveal which.
CRU maintains one of the world's most important datasets on how global temperatures have changed.
Climate "sceptics" have claimed that the emails undermine the scientific case for climate change being caused by humanity's greenhouse gas emissions, dubbing the issue "ClimateGate".
But it has not until now materialised as an issue likely to influence the Copenhagen negotiations, which are supposed to agree a new global deal on combating climate change to supplant the Kyoto Protocol.
Mr Al-Sabban made clear that he expects it to derail the single biggest objective of the summit - to agree limitations on greenhouse gas emissions.
"It appears from the details of the scandal that there is no relationship whatsoever between human activities and climate change," he told BBC News.
"Climate is changing for thousands of years, but for natural and not human-induced reasons.
"So, whatever the international community does to reduce greenhouse gas emissions will have no effect on the climate's natural variability."
Some other countries shared this view, he said; and as a result, governments would not be prepared to countenance agreeing anything that would affect economic growth for many years, until "new evidence" settled the scientific picture.
However, governments might be willing to commit to "no-cost" measures to constrain emissions, he said, while Western nations should be prepared to assist poor vulnerable countries financially as they prepared for impacts of "the already happening natural climate change".
So is there really anything in all this? The question that really needs answering is this: Is it politicians or scientists which are pushing this? And for what reason? Is it all a money-gathering scam, or are there honestly, genuine concerns.
Either way we look at it, we could have either good or bad news.
The good news would be that we may be heading for a warm medieval period.
The bad news is that we may be heading for a mini ice age.
But either way, the best news is, whatever happens, it’s all happened before. We have knowledge at it, and we’ve come through it.
And will they still tax us?
‘Til next time folks…
Sometimes, during my ceaseless hours pondering over and exploring the virtues of the worldwide web, I inadvertently stumble on some truly fascinating stuff, particular since the development of The Whistler TV has improved my relationship with YouTube. Man, could I show you some crazy shit on there! Then again, with a little imagination and searching, you’d probably be able to find stuff yourself. Rendering my previous statement redundant. Ah well.
Occasionally, you stumble across websites which are true goldmines, packed with information, fascinating trivia and hilarious facts; the kind of sites one bookmarks, fully intending to revisit, but rarely carrying out that promise.
This website itself is a fine example of that. I have done a little research into where this website gets most of it’s hits from, and the results, although not particularly fascinating, were certainly interesting to me. I won’t go into too much detail, but it appears that over 30% of my weekly hits come from people who stumble across the site inadvertently via a link, spend over 20 minutes perusing it, and then never return. I wonder why?
The answer will probably be the reason I have already outlined- they forget about it. If they’re spending over twenty minutes looking around the site, then surely they are seeing something that is keeping them interested. But then, whether they add The Whistler to their Favourites or not, they don’t appear to be returning. So what can I do about this?
Very little it would seem. One particular website I was referred to is an online soap opera. A long-running story with character and plot developments, posted online every week. It was very readable and clever, but when I spoke to the man behind the site, he told me that 35% of his visitors every week were stopping by for the first time, spending a while on the site, and then never returning. How strange?
The fact of the matter is, in these modern times, life is too fast, too busy. The internet holds so much for us, we feel that by returning to the same websites over and over again, that we may be missing out on something even more incredible out there.
The websites that draw readers back in time and time again are the real success stories of the internet, and most of those have content written, in the main, by visitors to the site. See Twitter & Facebook for prime examples.
The brains behind Twitter & Facebook, and indeed the other social networking sites, don’t actually do any writing for the site. Yes, they develop the format and the design, but contribute nothing more. The rest is left to the visitors.
No, The Whistler will never be a social networking site (hallelujah!) and although I encourage reader feedback to articles and the like, I very rarely publish it (perhaps this is a failing on my part, although, as you’ll probably know if you’ve ever emailed me in the past, I do try to respond to all emails – if I haven’t it’s an oversight, so write back and yell at me!!)
Throughout 2010 however, I will be intending to grow the site, and that means getting readers more actively involved in what’s going on here at The Whistler. I’m inviting you to have a crack at writing an article for us, on any subject you wish. Just type it up in a word document and email it to me at whistlermail@yahoo.co.uk. By working through this process, I’m hoping to give at least one or two of you out there the opportunity of becoming a regular writer for The Whistler. How fab would that be?
So get your thinking caps on and drop me a line. It’s like a TV Talent show, except far more intellectual. I think we could even give it a name- something like Whistler Idol. Yeah, we can even get readers to vote on whom we should have as a regular writer! As I’m writing this, I’m having incredible brainwaves. I’ll certainly be developing these ideas further!
So yeah, if you fancy entering Whistler Idol, drop me a line at whistlermail@yahoo.co.uk and we’ll take it from there.
Anyway, as a small digression, I felt the need to share with you something which I stumbled across while perusing the worldwide web for websites I fully intended to revisit but never will. This comes from a particular site which I copied and pasted from, then clicked off and now can’t seem to find again. Seems to have totally vanished from my history, but nevertheless, I’ll share it with you here.
Here is a list of what are, according to the illusive mystery site, the top 50 great ocy-morons of all time. I hope you like…
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
And the greatest oxy-moron of them all…
1. Microsoft Works
Ooooh, sharp eh?
Sex.
There, I said it.
What a wide and varied subject matter that word conjures up. What did you think of when you read that word just then? The differences between men and women? Intercourse? Or those things that potatoes come in?
Here are some celebrity interpretations of the word I stumbled across:
"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
Tom Clancy
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Steve Martin
"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Drew Carey
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
Woody Allen
"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield
"As the French say, there are three sexes - men, women and clergymen."
Rev. Sydney Smith
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Woody Allen
"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
George Burns
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
Matt Barry
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
Camille Paglia
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease."
Unknown
"My kid had sex with your honour student."
Bumper Sticker
"My sexual preference is not you."
T-shirt
"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life."
Michael Sinz
"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast."
Woody Allen
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
Henry Miller
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."
See? Sex is a predominantly discussed topic, even though it still harbours so many taboos.
Of course, to get sex, one needs a partner. For some, this happens easier than for others. Some people have the time, charm, personality and looks to attract a partner. Others need to use personal ads or the internet. But even that is fraught with challenges. Indeed, one has to be quite the code breaker to decipher what some of those words and phrases mean. So here is The Whistler’s Guide to reading between the lines in personal ads…
WOMEN'S ADS
40-ish....................49
Adventurer............Slept with all your friends
Athletic..................No tits
Average looking.....Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful.................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile....Does a lot of Ecstasy
Emotionally Secure..Medicated
Feminist.................Fat ballbuster
Free spirit...............Junkie
Friendship first.......Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun....................... Annoying
Gentle....................Comatose
Good Listener........Borderline Autistic
New-Age................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned.........Lights out, missionary position only, no BJ's
Open-minded..........Desperate
Outgoing.................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............Sloppy drunk
Poet....................... Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional............Certified Bitch
Redhead.................Bad dye-job
Reubenesque..........Grossly Fat
Romantic................Looks better by candle light
Social.....................Been passed around like an hors doeuvres tray
Voluptuous.............Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height..Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate................... Stalker
Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart.............Old bat
MEN'S ADS
40-ish....................52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic..................Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking.....Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated...............Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit..............Banging your sister
Friendship first.......As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun........................Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.........Arrogant
Very good looking..Dumb as a board
Honest...................Pathological Liar
Huggable...............Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle.......Insecure mama's boy
Mature...................Older than your father
Open-minded.........Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's
not interested
Physically fit...........Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet.......................Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive.................Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive.........Gay
Spiritual.................Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable....................Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful.............Says "Excuse me" when he farts
Of course, sex also refers to the differences between men and women. And it’s not just the physical differences which are prevalent subjects in most conversations on the subject, but the mental differences as well. Indeed, even some words have different meanings for men than for women. So here’s a little help with that. Good luck!
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.....Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.....Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male........Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.....The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female.....A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.....An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-statement male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female.....The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.
‘Til next time folks…
Here it is folks, part TWELVE of the email inbox clearout. You know the score by now. Oh, my Lord…
A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen---- "
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"
The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'."
***
The wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his <ahem> in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to."
***
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good- looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and fool around with her?"
"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!"
And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you!!!
***
Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.
The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
***
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?"
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.
Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"
***
A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.
But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
***
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy fart."
"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"
***
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. I've read in the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes, Son, and if you read on further you'll find out that they walked everywhere they went!"
***
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do... **anything**!!!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything???"
"Yes,... Anything!!!"
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study???"
***
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, he doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."
"Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs."
"Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
***
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for sex for quite a while now.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor; eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire.
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty-dollar bill, and gives it to him. She says, "Awww, honey you're so depressed... Here, take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight.. But remember that this happens only once. Ok? Don't think about it or ask me to do this again."
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty dollars."
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger: "Damn that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here I only charged him fifty!"
***
A man and an attractive woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both go to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top.
In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice, "I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we're married"
"Hey, terrific idea!", says the eager man.
"Good", she replies, "GET YOUR OWN BLANKET!"
***
‘Til next time folks…
This time, dear readers, I’m going to present to you, the ‘Worlds Longest Joke’. So here goes…
There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slid over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.
Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."
"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."
"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp.
"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously.
She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."
"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.
He walks on to the ship.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"
"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!
First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.
He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived...
... and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.
Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.
Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."
"Okay," agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.
"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb...
up and up...
below him the ship grew smaller...
on and on...
past a solitary albatross...
and still higher...
till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...
and on still further...
till the ocean grew dim...
and the earth itself...
began to shrink...
past our moon...
and on...
and Mars...
and on...
higher, and higher...
through the asteroid belt...
and on and on towards the diving board...
past the outer planets, until...
on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...
he reached the board.
He climbed on top and radioed the captain...
and then...
.' '.
. .
. .
he jumped.
.
.
.
.
:
Slowly at first,
:
but speeding up,
:
:
:
faster, and faster,
:
speeding past Pluto,
:
and the other outer planets,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
through the asteroid belt,
past Mars,
and the moon,
faster,
and faster,
faster - ever faster,
and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear,
faster, and faster,
past the albatross,
double-back somersault,
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,
hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN!
DOWN!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
STILL DOWN...!
DEEPER,
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
TILL.........
SMASH!
Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping...
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.
"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!"
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen."
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see...
I'm a just poor tramp...
so you must understand...
I've been through many a hard ship in my life."
‘Til next time folks…
Well, dearest readers, as you know, I’m not one to blow my own horn, but after my last article went live (a whinge about the collapse of the concept of society- scroll down to take a look), Gordon Brown (our beloved Prime Minister) who MUST be a regular reader of The Whistler, announced changes in the way teenage mothers are to be treated.
It is possible, I suppose, that my article in The Whistler had nothing to do with him making the announcement, but I doubt it. As I say, I’m not one to blow my own horn though.
However, the announcement could be due to the fact that at the beginning of October, it was reported that (yet another) 13-year-old boy became one of Britain’s youngest fathers.
I suggested during my previous rant, that there were teenage girls deliberately getting themselves pregnant merely to be given council accommodation and welfare handouts. It would seem Mr Brown has had enough of this, and will instead house single teenage mums who can’t provide for themselves adequately in ‘supervised homes’ instead of council houses.
It’s not often I agree with anything this government does, but Mr Brown, you are to be applauded for this. This is a step in the right direction for eradicating this problem, but it must be more than just words. This needs to be swiftly put into action. As I said in my previous article, the concept of ‘family’, which it appears is now an alien one to most of us, is essential for the continuation of civilised society and the reduction of poverty and crime rates.
I’ve copied and pasted the news report I stumbled across (from Associated Press) below for your attention:
A schoolboy aged 13 has become one of Britain's youngest fathers, it has been reported.
The boy, from Manchester, was "chuffed to bits" after his 16-year-old girlfriend gave birth to a baby girl this week, the Daily Mirror said.
His father told the paper: "My son is mature for his age and will make a good father. He will make a better dad than most 25-year-old men would."
The young couple's identity cannot be revealed for legal reasons. They are said to have been in a relationship for some time, although they did not go to the same school.
His father added: "He isn't bewildered about what has happened. He was a bit shocked at first but now he's chuffed to bits."
Earlier this year another 13-year-old, Alfie Patten, from Eastbourne in East Sussex, was believed to have become a father after his 15-year-old girlfriend conceived. But, DNA tests later showed that another 15-year-old was the father.
Britain has the worst teenage pregnancy rate in Europe, with an estimated around 43,000 teenage mothers created in England every year.
This latest case comes after new measures to deal with teenage pregnancies announced by Gordon Brown this week. He said teenage parents on benefits would be forced to live in "supervised homes" instead of being given council houses.
"It's time to address a problem that for too long has gone unspoken: the number of children having children," he declared.
In 2007, there were 42,918 pregnancies among under-18s.
See? So it was either the announcement of these staggering birth rates among teenagers, or The Whistler article. I know what I believe!!
And it’s not just the Prime Minister who seems to have responded favourably to my article. I was also contacted by writer Douglas R Webb, the author of ‘The Other Side of the Desk: Tragedies In American Education’ (check him out at http://dougwebb.webs.com) who had this to say about my article. “I could not agree more with you. Family is so important and we all don't take it seriously enough. We have gotten worse since the fifties. And we are getting worse faster now with the internet and other material not appropriate for our children.”
Wow, check me out- proper serious clever authors are responding to my articles. He must be a very intelligent man, so go to his website and buy his book!
Anyway, just as I was to replace my hat after doffing it to Mr Brown out of respect for his announcement, the Government go and lose what little respect they were getting from me when I stumbled across this article from pa.press.net:
Prison sentences of less than a year should be scrapped, a meeting of jail governors will be told
At its annual conference, the Prison Governors Association will be urged to back a motion condemning the rise in the jail population to record levels
The proposal calls for ministers to launch a "radical review" of sentencing policy and scrap all jail terms shorter than 12 months
Prisoner numbers in England and Wales passed the 84,000 mark for the first time at the start of August
On Friday there were 84,354 in custody, despite around 2,500 inmates being released more than two weeks early from their sentences every month.
Ministers have pledged to increase prison capacity to 96,000 by 2014. But critics say short jail sentences are ineffective at reforming criminals and should be abolished in favour of community punishments.
The motion, which is proposed by the association's national executive committee, states: "This association deplores the rise in population to a new record of over 84,000 in August and condemns this as a failure of penal policy.
"This association therefore calls on the Government to radically review sentencing policy with a view to abolishing immediate custodial sentences of less than 12 months."
Other motions to be considered by the conference, which starts in Buxton, Derbyshire, include criticism of cuts to prison budgets. Delegates will also discuss urging ministers to increase residential drug treatment places and calls to abandon the use of private contractors to run prisons.
See? They want to control the prison population, not by being tough on crime, but by letting people off with crimes that warrant a sentence less than one year! What the hell kind of motivation is that to keep your nose clean? Absolutely ridiculous.
If sentences were TOUGHER in the first place, the crime rate would drop and in turn, so would the prison population! Letting people OFF with their misdemeanours is in no way going to help the crime-on-the-street situation! Build more prisons now, and let criminals be punished properly, AND THEN rehabilitated. Watch crime rates fall when the sentences and conditions are tougher. Common sense, one would think, but apparently not.
‘Til next time folks…
It’s now commonly understood amongst my more regular readers where my opinions lie as to the subject of the so-called ‘progress’ society is making. I truly believed that society peaked in this country (and also possibly in the US and Australia) in the 1950s, and since then it has been in sharp decline.
I know you’re going to think me prudish and out of date, but I believe that family life is the fabric, the very backbone of society, and is something which a future government must do all they can to re-instil into the people of the civilised world.
I believe that the sixties, with its introduction of the ‘free love’ ideals was the beginning of moral decay, particularly here in the UK and also in the USA. Youth movements, inspiring as they were (and should it should always be applauded when people stand up for what they believe in, so long as it’s done in a peaceful way) also marked the time when the administration of discipline on youths was somewhat tethered, and the ‘free spirits’ soon became wayward.
Since the decay of family life, the vary fabric of society has decayed with it. This is something which should be remedied sooner rather than later, before society falls further into the quagmire.
Who is to blame? The people the press refer to as do-gooders. The people who send young offenders on safari holidays to ‘correct’ them of their evil wrongdoings rather than administering proper punishment. The people who believe that the softly-softly approach of ‘rehabilitation’ of violent offenders will accomplish far more than appropriate punishment, such as incarceration.
The fact of the matter is this: people fear punishment. They do not fear rehabilitation. If someone is on the borderline, deciding whether to commit a crime or not, they will naturally consider the consequences of their actions. A punishment ie- three or four years in a cell is a deterrent. Rehabilitation- sitting over a table with a counsellor with a cup of coffee trying to blame someone or something else for their actions, isn’t. The crime suddenly becomes a risk worth taking.
Of course, rehabilitation, should be part of the process, but this should be carried out AFTER the punishment, not as an alternative to it. Am I the only person this makes sense to?
Do-gooders (and this does not mean people who do good, it means people who meddle with things under the impression that they’re doing good when in reality they are going against all that history has taught us about how to run an efficient, lawful society) have messed things up to such an extent that the fundamental societal necessity of ‘the family’ is now being frowned upon. Single teenage mothers are relying all their lives on state welfare; indeed some are getting pregnant merely to secure accommodation! And this is a good thing??
It’s all falling apart, people, and it needs correcting, NOW! People should be rewarded with tax benefits for sustaining a normal family life. But no, cash is thrown at the single parents and people who simply refuse to work for a living. The working family gets NOTHING. No reward at all for being what society’s continuation depends on.
If the teenage girl, constantly antagonising her parents wants to leave home, what does she do? She gets pregnant. Hey presto! A council flat and an income. I’m sure she’d be far more careful if such benefits weren’t on the cards. Just a thought!
Progress isn’t always positive for our way of life. Take a look at this fictional comparison between similar events happening at the same school twenty years apart, and how they are reacted to…
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1979 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2009 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1979 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.
1979 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.
Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.
1979 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.
2009 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.
1979 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.
2009 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1977 - Ants die.
2009 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1979 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.
Obviously super-exaggerated for the purposes of getting a point across, but I think it does so well enough.
Society wasn’t broken, but we tried to fix it. Now, it’s destroyed beyond all recognition.
‘Til next time folks...
Well people, it’s been a pipe dream for some months now, but I can finally reveal that my not-so-secret project, The Whistler TV, will very shortly be in full swing.
As yet, I’m not 100% sure as to how it’s going to turn out, but of course, that all depends how well you, the Whistlerettes, receive it. Don’t misunderstand me people: I’m not deluded. Indeed, I’m fully aware that it may be (in fact, definitely WILL be) a bit shaky to start with, but with viewer/reader feedback & suggestions and a little more confidence from my good self in front of the camera (and perhaps some kind of script or at least some kind of idea as to what I’m going to say before opening my mouth may be beneficial), then I’m sure it will grow into something quite entertaining.
At the time of writing this article – which of course isn’t so much as an article as a pre-amble to the channel, I’ve just completed the recording of episode one, and I have to say, as a first sojourn into broadcasting by my good self, that I’m quite happy with the way it’s turned out. Granted, it’s far from perfect (in fact, it’s far from moderately entertaining) but I am proud of the finished article, in spite of the fact that I sound and look like a total moron throughout it! But hopefully, as I’ve said, these initial, tentative steps into broadcasting myself will soon flourish into something, well, erm, watchable.
All videos will be posted on The Whistler TV page here on this website, and of course on my YouTube Channel, which you can find at: http://www.youtube.com/thewhistlertv
And of course, various announcements will be made as to as and when new episodes will be posted.
‘But Craig, will these videos mean the end of Craig’s Commentary on The Whistler?’ I hear you all ask, as if in unison. Have you been practicing that?
The answer to that question is no. Craig’s Commentary will still be running as normal, although it is doubtful I will post an article in the same week as a video. So you’ll get one or the other as regularly as you do now. Probably. Of course, this isn’t forgetting the wonderful contributions from my regular co-writers, who will be posting as normal.
So, it is without any further ado that I now declare The Whistler TV officially open as of Monday 28th September 2009. ‘What? Open? Now?’ I hear you all ask. You HAVE been practicing, I’m flattered. Yes indeed, dear readers, The Whistler TV is now up and running and broadcasting. If you go onto The Whistler TV page (or indeed the YouTube page I have already referenced), you will, as yet, see but one video posted there. I need to stress (and please take note of this or you’ll think it’s totally shit) – the video that is on that page right now is just the trailer for Whistler TV. I made it myself in less than ten minutes, did all the editing myself and I hope you find it at least moderately amusing, cheap and poorly made. And yes, that clever voice-over is done by me! Go on, don’t be shy, as soon as you’ve finished reading this article, click on the Whistler TV link on the menu on the left-hand side of the screen and watch the video. It’s less than two minutes long so won’t take up too much of your time, and I’m sure you’ll want to post it into your blogs and things (please, please and pretty please!!)
And as far as the first episode of Whistler TV is concerned- well, I’ll probably be posting it sometime in October, so keep your eyes peeled for that.
I’d also be interested in your ideas and suggestions for the show. If you can think of anything that would improve it or you have any questions for me (or any of my co-writers), then I’d be happy to incorporate those into future episodes as well. Of course, you’ll have a better idea of the format of the show after episode one is broadcast, so perhaps you’ll be able to make more suggestions then as to what other items we could include in the programme.
Episode one runs for about ten minutes, and it’s my intention that each episode following that will run for about fifteen minutes, so that it’s not too short that it’s over in a flash, but not too long so you don’t get bored out of your minds. As time goes on we (that being me, my co-writers and you, my fine army of readers) will be able to develop the broadcast into something that will take the world by storm! Or perhaps not.
But it’s all a bit of fun and I’m pretty proud of it- I’m certainly enjoying putting the programmes together. It’s far easier than actually thinking of items for it (which is why I’m emphasising so much the need for you guys to help me out with suggestions for items). I ought to really thank my wife, Rachel, as well, for her fine camera-work on episode one, and my son Ethan, for his contribution (oh, yes, you’ll get to meet him too!) to the proceedings. In fact, Ethan has asked for (and been granted) a regular slot on the show called ‘Ethan’s Thoughts’, in which my eight-year-old offspring will delight us with, erm, well, his thoughts really. He’s actually quite a natural in front of the camera, and I’ll think you’ll find his little segment of the broadcast entertaining and eye-opening.
So, I suppose you’ll want to know how to contact The Whistler TV to make all these suggestions and propose ideas for the programme then, won’t you? Well, won’t you? Well, I’m going to tell you anyway, just in case you do.
Basically, it’s exactly the same methods you’d use to get in touch with The Whistler normally. You can either use the Contact Us page (on the menu on the left hand side of the screen), email us at whistlermail@yahoo.co.uk, or send me a text at 07955 567065 (no charge for texting us, just your standard rate for SMS to a UK mobile - see article below for further info). However, you can also add your comments to the videos on The Whistler TV page for all to see, so please take advantage of that as well.
And of course, don’t forget that the best contributions and suggestions will win a free copy of my ebook ‘Velvet Sunstroke’ so there’s motivation for you to get your thinking caps on, isn’t there?
I hope you enjoy what I have in store for you all when the first episode of Whistler TV appears, and I hope that with your contributions and suggestions, you will grow to love it and really feel a part of it. In the meantime, please check out the technologically advanced trailer I’ve expertly put together for you, and let me have any feedback.
Dearest readers!
How the devil are you? It is once again a pleasure and a privilege to be able to write for you. However, as I can’t think of a decent topic, I’m going to expand a little on the notice you may have spotted on the homepage…
It’s all true. Now you can text The Whistler.
And we won’t charge you a penny for it! It’s FREE! (Standard rates may apply however, check with your service provider).
Let me explain further as to how I’m making this possible. Upon purchasing a new mobile phone recently, I have with it acquired a new telephone number. Of course, I’m not going to tell you what the new number is; only the VERY privileged are party to that sort of information.
So, the idea is, I get a new phone, and my wife Rachel naturally inherits my old one. Her even older one is now redundant.
As is my old SIM card and phone number.
So here’s the deal, I’ve decided to utilise this to make YOUR life even easier! I’m going to put old SIM in old phone, and create: WHISTLERPHONE!
Sounds good eh? So now you can anonymously (or identify yourself if you wish) send text messages to that phone about absolutely anything you want. Go on, send some abuse! But don’t be TOO hurtful. My heart is easily broken. Just ask all those women who took court injunctions out on me.
In main, I like jokes. Funny ones. Not rubbish ones. I also like thought and opinions on articles which appear online, or any information at all you’d like to share with me.
So, here’s the legal part before we go into what the number is…
There, think that covers everything.
Next up, the number. Storing this in your mobile as Whistlerphone will make you dead cool in the eyes of all who behold you (not a guarantee).
Here we go:
07955 567065
I repeat:
07955 567065
I look forward immensely to reading whatever you have to send me.
Now then, all about my NEW phone. I feel I have to spout off about this as I’m really chuffed with it. It’s a Nokia 5800 (woo!) XpressMusic and it’s bloody great. It’s a bit like a poor man’s iPhone, except multimedia messages are possible! The music quality is second to none, and I can’t wait to get downloading some tunes and videos and stuff. As Ronald McDonald might say: “I’m Lovin’ It!”
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about this wonderful English language that I have been born into speaking, and have been contemplating its sheer power and it’s force.
Which got me to thinking: What could possibly be the most powerful word in the entire English language.
My thoughts initially went to my favourite authors. Were there any words in particular they seemed to use more often to sum up various emotions or descriptive adverbs or pronouns? I couldn’t think of any immediately off the top of my head. Currently I’ve been reading some works by respected female authors- Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte and Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier. No words seemed to be used any more than others when being descriptive or conjuring up vivid images.
I then thought about Charles Dickens. Surely a writer of his depth and genius would fall back on some masterpiece of a word which he could use again and again when he needed to create powerful imagery. And again, my searches were futile.
And so I thought about playwrights, and perhaps the greatest playwright of all time (indeed, he undoubtedly is in my mind!), the bard himself, William Shakespeare.
I scoured my favourites- Henry V, Richard III, The Tempest, Macbeth, Romeo and Juliet, Much Ado About Nothing, Anthony & Cleopatra, and that other one I like. I forget it’s name. Erm… Oh sod it, I’ll get back to it.
Twelfth Night! That’s it!!
Anyways, again, my explorations brought up nothing. It was then when I concluded that perhaps, great as these writers were, they never managed to stumble on that particular word that could have raised even their works a peg or two.
So what could this word be? Perhaps a word that wasn’t in common usage as much in days of yore? Or perhaps a word that, well, you simply couldn’t put into print in those less liberated times.
Which got me to thinking- it’s got to be a swear word, hasn’t it?
This then got me trawling through my frankly filthy mind of all the obscenities and profanities I could think of that might fit the bill. After several months, I had completed this task, and discovered, I truly believe, what this all-powerful word must be.
Shit.
Yes, the word is ‘shit’ (which is gloriously ironic, because in actual fact, it’s quite the opposite).
And during the brief period of time between the point where you stop shaking your head in disbelief and begin to compose your email about how much of a tosser I am, please let me put forward my case.
Shit is a powerful word.
Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
Consider: You can be shit faced or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.
You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and sherry.
There are lucky shits, thick shits, stupid shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, dog shit, cat shit, bird shit, whale shit, rat shit, and horse shit. There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit, slimy shit, rough shit, limp shit. You can shit a blue streak, shit bricks, shit pink Twinkies, shit marbles, or shit your guts out.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, keep shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. There is funny shit and sad shit, bad shit and good shit. Some shit doesn't stink while other things really smell like shit.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can be faster than shit or you can be slower than shit. Sometimes you'll find shit on a stick or shit on a shingle, sometimes you'll find shit everywhere, and then there are times when you can't find shit at all.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit in a bucket, put shit in a barrel, have a pile of shit, have a mountain of shit, have a river of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit or jump shit, and some people just can't cut the shit.
There is fun shit and dull shit, silly shit and serious shit. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. You can stir shit, kick shit or stick your ass out the window and shit on the world. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but rather with a BIG DUMP.
Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.
Well folks, I guess you know the score now about how this filler works, so I won’t bother going into it all again for you. So just sit back and enjoy…
*-*
A farmer was sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."
*-*
A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off.
"Who was that?" the wife demanded.
"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."
"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.
The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewellery, and our vacation home in Mexico?"
For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"
"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.
"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."
*-*
A magician was on stage doing his act, when he called for a volunteer from the audience. A man volunteered & went up on stage. The magician told him to pick up the 16 lb. sledgehammer that was on stage next to a cement block & break the block apart with the sledgehammer, so the audience would know the sledge- hammer was real.
So, the man swung the sledgehammer with all his might & shattered the cement block. The magician now told the man to hit him square in the face with the sledgehammer.
Horrified, the man said, "No way. It'll probably kill you".
The magician insisted that the man hit him in the face, saying, "I'll be fine...I promise you ...go ahead."
"Well,", the man replied, "OK here goes."
Again, the man swung the sledgehammer and aimed it at the
magicians face. He heaved it as hard as he could and struck the magician, knocking him flat on the ground.
After 6 months in a coma in the hospital, the magician was lying in the hospital bed. One eye opened, the fingers flexed a bit, the other eye opened, and the magician sat straight up and said, "Ta-da!"
*-*
A blonde went to a helicopter flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.
He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
*-*
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see his doctor.
The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by startling himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate.
So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter pistol. Then he went home to try the doctor's advice.
When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed,... naked! So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her. Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a few shots with his new starter pistol.
They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results. He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
*-*
A guy went into a public washroom and had to use the only available urinal, which was between two elderly men. He glanced to his left and saw the guy pissing, but there were two streams.
"What the hell is that?" he asked.
"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes."
Then the guy looked to his right and saw three streams.
"What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes."
The two veterans then looked over at the guy in the middle and saw 12 streams!
"War wound?" they both asked.
"Naah, my zipper's stuck."
*-*
A psychiatrist was administering a Rorschach inkblot test to his patient. The doctor showed the first blot and asked what it resembled.
"That's two poodles having sex," replied the patient.
To the second inkblot, the patient said, "That's a naked gal leaning out a window, telling all the men who go by to come in and have sex with her."
The doctor showed him the third inkblot.
"That's a pair of crotchless underpants," the patient said.
Unable to withstand this any longer, the doctor blurted out, "You have a filthy, disgusting mind!"
"Look who's talking!" the patient cried. "You're the one with all the dirty pictures."
*-*
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
*-*
Hope you enjoyed that everyone. Saved me having to do any actual work I suppose.
Anyways, ‘til next time folks…
I am fast approaching the end of my tether when it comes to the increasingly-apparent-uselessness of our Prime Minister, Gordon Brown.
It just seems to me that he is not cut out for the job he is doing. In his brief tenure so far as Prime Minister of this country, he has messed up more than Frank Spencer could ever have dreamed of.
And it’s not just an instant dislike to his general character, that I’ve taken. After all, he can’t help that, now can he? But the choices and decisions he’s made, and the policies he’s put in place during his time as leader of the country reads like a huge list of momentous cock-ups.
The reasons as to why this is are plentiful. If you’ll indulge me for a brief moment, I’ll continue.
First of all the British people NEVER elected him as Prime Minister.
For ten years when he was chancellor, he ruined what was just about the best pension fund in the world, by stealing FIVE BILLION POUNDS ANNUALLY. AND STILL IT IS HAPPENING.
He has introduced that many stealth taxes, I’ve lost count. There are laws being brought in daily (apparently over 3,000 have been introduced) that we have no knowledge of. We could be breaking the law without even knowing it. And that’s when they fine us to swell their coffers.
I could go on.
He also lied about the EU referendum in the UK, first promising us one, then not allowing it when opinion polls showed the British public would probably vote against what he wanted.
Who elected Gordon Brown to represent them? Maybe his own party did, but the general public never had a say. It’s just as bad as handing over authority to some unauthorised dictatorship and the public has had no choice but to accept it. It’s even worse then having a fixed vote, as in this case we never had a vote at all. Is this what democracy is all about? It’s more ‘secrecy’ than ‘democracy’.
For those still not convinced, let’s take a brief look at what Brown has presided over since coming into power, shall we? Here’s just TWENTY brief points off the top of my head (sort of!) that I’d like to draw your attention to.
1. He introduced tuition fees for students from the poorest families.
2. He sold off gold reserves (which meant we had nothing in the cupboard for a rainy day. Such as the ones we’re experiencing now…)
3. He led the country into at least one war which had nothing to do with us in first place.
4. He took the country into record debt, which, it would seem, our children’s children’s children will still be paying for.
5. Thanks mainly to him, the UK is the most over-taxed country in world.
6. He has continually denied British workers jobs on government projects, because he deemed it too expensive.
7. He is renowned for awarding government contracts to foreign companies, whilst our own companies fold and the workers lose their jobs.
8. Illegal immigration is at record levels – and that’s just the ones we find out about.
9. He took away 10 pence in tax band, hurting the poorest earners in society.
10. He has given billions to bail out the banks whilst the pensioners are barely given enough to live on and the NHS cannot afford to clean our hospitals properly.
11. Under his government, unemployment is now at 2 million. And that figure is rising.
12. He has bailed out a car industry which has so many cars, it cannot sell what it had already manufactured, wasting further taxpayer’s money.
13. He allowed councils to invest council tax-payers money in a dodgy banking system months after the report warning him not to was placed on his desk marked ‘Urgent.’
14. He allowed Ed Balls to run social services into ground to the point where numerous children on the At-Risk risk register are being killed by their abusers.
15. He released thousands of prisoners early in an attempt to ease overcrowding in gaols. A significant number of these went on to rape, murder or abuse further.
16. He allowed evidence garnered from prisoners of war using methods of torture to be admitted in war courts as if they were normal confessions.
17. He denied the Ghurkas the right to stay in this country after bravely serving it so well. He also denied them a proper pension (ie- one which matched the rest of the British Army), on completion of service to the crown.
18. He put in place the systems that allowed the bankers the free reign to be as greedy as they liked, and completely trash the economy as a result.
Brown (a Scottish MP in an English parliament - when the Scottish parliament would never allow it the other way around, let alone as Prime Minister!) set all this up, then watched as it all crumbled.
We, as the British electorate didn't vote for Brown - Blair got him in, probably to avoid a smear campaign that Brown was setting up for him like he did for so many others. This is just my opinion, but it does beg the question - why do you think no other MPs stood against him when he ran for leadership?.
It would seem to me that no one wants him there - not the voting public or his own party (except for his few remaining buddies). This much is now a fact - as the polls and cabinet ministers' actions all prove.
HE is responsible for the huge mess he is now trying (in vain) to sort out and clutch back Brownie points from.
Jeremy Clarkson was right. Brown is an idiot. And, on a strictly personal note, I wish he'd stop trying to smile - the sight of it revolts me.
It has to be said though, in all honesty, that though you cannot pin the global recession on Brown, he is as culpable as every other western nation, especially the US in the sense that he and Greenspan actively promoted light touch regulation of the City/Wallstreet, failed to understand the financial instruments being invented by City whizz kids here and in the States. They failed to see that huge amounts of credit sloshing round the system could be a problem. They failed to understand that house price inflation does not proceed upwards for ever. The FSA is culpable for failing to understand what banks were up to and what instruments it was regulating. The rating agencies are culpable for sloppy ratings on junk debt as ratings, is a very lucrative but competitive business to be in. The Bank of England is culpable for lowering interest rates too far when we had huge amounts of credit and inflationary pressures in the system and The Treasury is culpable for failing to understand what was happening in the financial markets here and in the US. They teach most of this teach this in A' level economics.
Bear in mind these are the people that run our country. They are richly rewarded for their trouble and are, apparently, the best brains this country has to offer. They are all guilty of staggering complacency, ignorance and ineptitude.
Gordon Brown inherited a pretty decent economy from Ken Clarke and sound public finances. Gordon Brown was at the helm for 10 years and actively encouraged an economy over dependent on the financial sector. He was the architect for the current mess we find ourselves in. Remember the glowing praise he continually gave the city when the sun was shining? The huge tax take he got from individual bonuses and corporation tax from the huge profits banks were making? How he gave favourable tax treatment to the mega rich because they were so important to the economy? I didn't hear a single complaint from him in ten years. Now he feels he can distance himself from the whole debacle and do a complete about face and tells us their conduct was unacceptable, the banks must be held to account regulated and the rich must be taxed more. Perhaps he thinks no one will notice?
Brown has been profligate in his spending over the last 12 years and we have seen precious little value for money or corresponding improvement for the vast sums spent. He has saddled us with eye watering levels of national debt. Be under no illusion, this is as serious as it gets and frankly is frightening for the future financial stability of this country. Remember Gordon Brown was unelected by this country and by his own party.
However, you have to admire Tony Blair, he saw what was coming and got out. He presided over an 'Emperors New Clothes' economy and political philosophy 'New Labour/The Third Way' for ten years and yet no one has pointed a finger at him for the part he has played all of this. Amazing! I take my hat off to the man.
Rant over. ‘Til next time, folks…
Well readers, I feel I’m finally beginning to get my head around it all.
I feel that I really ought to put forward my thoughts on the recent death of Michael Jackson, as it seems it really is just too much of a world issue to ignore.
‘Oh, not another internet writer rambling on about him? He’s dead, okay? We get it!’
I hope you won’t find this article like any others you may have read. I feel that my fondness of Michael in my childhood means it’s only right for me to put into words some thoughts about his untimely passing.
People who know me personally will probably be aware that I was a huge fan of the singer as a child. I was about five when the Thriller album was released, and can remember all the kids at primary school going on about how great it was- obviously influenced by their parent’s choice in music. At first, I didn’t think too much of all this hype myself, though a lad in my class kept singing ‘Thriller! Thriller night!’ and even though I hadn’t heard the original, I was forced to admit it was a rather catchy piece of work.
I came across a cassette of Thriller when I was about seven or eight, and it was one of my first experiences of listening to an album, as such. I can remember particularly enjoying the obvious tracks- Billie Jean and Beat It, but eventually, as I grew a little older, finding the haunting melodies of Lady In My Life and Human Nature far more appealing.
But it wasn’t really until the release of his 1987 album ‘Bad’ that I began to consider myself a genuine fan. I was introduced to this particular album in Romania- I was on a skiing trip with school, and the lad I shared a hotel room with had the Bad album on his Walkman, and had had the forethought to bring along a set of speakers with him. I‘ll never forget dropping off to sleep listening to the tinny sounds of ‘Liberian Girl’, ‘Just Good Friends’, ‘Another Part Of Me’ and ‘Man In The Mirror.’ And who can forget ‘Smooth Criminal’. Wow.
After establishing myself as a fan of MJ, I revisited the Thriller album, and even more of the songs began to have a stronger appeal to me. ‘Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ for instance, had always bored me. I don’t know why- perhaps I felt it too long or too repetitive, but soon enough it was one of my favourite songs. ‘Baby Be Mine’ also appealed to me more, as did ‘The Girl Is Mine’, probably due in part to the fact that at this stage in my musical maturity, I was also developing a keen ear for the music of The Beatles.
Obviously, the knowledge of Bad and Thriller prompted me to delve a little further into Jacko’s back-catalogue. I got hold of a vinyl copy of his seminal 1979 classic (and major solo debut) ‘Off The Wall’. This album took much longer to ingratiate itself into my psyche, but soon enough, the music became catchier and catchier to me, and as well as the hits ‘Rock With You’ and ‘Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough’, I also had a fondness for ’Working Day And Night’, ‘Girlfriend’ and ‘She’s Out Of My Life.’ As I write this article now quoting those titles, memories come flooding back to me.
At the age of eleven, we were required at school to complete a project known as ‘Musicology’, where we had to think of a subject relating to anything to do with music. A composer, a rock band, an instrument or a pop artist. Naturally, I chose Michael Jackson, and researched a lot into his past.
It was quite a history lesson. From his birth in 1958 in Gary, Indiana, and developing his musical roots as no more than a toddler watching his older brothers in action, to the discovery of his unnaturally strong singing voice and his development into an eye-catching young entertainer. The trials and the tribulations of the band, the apparent jealousy of his siblings as the young Michael continually stole the limelight away from them. His solo projects and the eventual disbanding.
The success of his forays into solo work seemed to have always rattled his brothers, but not his father, who apparently, whenever he looked at Michael, just saw a walking dollar sign.
It seemed at first like the ultimate achievement of the American Dream. The full rags to riches story. But there was an unnerving undertone to the whole story the led me to believe that in spite of the artists multi-million dollar lifestyle, there was a very unhappy little boy hidden away behind the charade. A boy who had spent his life being told to improve in every way. A boy who had therefore learned to be ashamed of himself, to believe that he was never quite achieving all that he could. A boy who eventually became so saddened and discussed with his own appearance that he spent hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to alter it and improve his looks.
A boy who, as he developed into adulthood, never was sure how to create and maintain social interactivity. A boy shielded from society in such a way that he only ever felt comfortable singing and dancing on a stage, and would rather be there performing in front of tens of thousands of people rather than holding a normal one-on-one conversation over dinner with another adult.
A boy, trapped in a man’s body.
A mere boy, who wanted childhood friends and playmates.
When the boy is nine or ten, there is nothing wrong with this.
When the boy is actually a forty-year-old man, then wanting to spend time around young children is somewhat out of the ordinary.
Michael’s weirdness as a whole can probably be put down to the fact that he never had a childhood. When he was older, a man, he was a multimillionaire, but still had the heart and mind of a young boy. This is something he desperately wanted to recapture. And why wouldn’t he? It’s all a natural part of human development, a part of human development that had been cruelly snatched away from the growing Michael Jackson.
Yes, the guy was weird, and essentially, most likely mentally and socially under-developed. But it would have been even odder had he grown into a normal, rounded adult man. Indeed, it would have set the teachings of psychology back over a hundred years!
Did he sexually abuse children? Only a handful of people know the answer to that. The truth is we’ll probably never know. The fact of the matter is that in an American Court of Law, he was cleared of all charges and proved innocent.
Did he foolishly allow young boys to sleep in his bed? It’s quite possible. But as I’ve said, this is most likely to do with the lack of a childhood, so he wanted to enjoy it now with pyjama parties and sleepovers. He had the money and the inclination to build a fairground in his back garden, and he did so for his young friends.
Michael was a fool unto himself. An innocent, misguided fool who had very low self-esteem and made social mistake after social mistake. The baby-dangling incident must rank their near the top of them all. Buying the bones of The Elephant Man? Sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber? A pet monkey named Bubbles? There are even questions being asked as to the true paternity of his three children (none of which appear to have any trace of African-American in them at all). But who’s to know.
As an entertainer, Michael Jackson was probably one of the greatest who ever lived. Up there with Elvis? Without a shadow of a doubt.
Great singer, great songwriter, and as a dancer, he appeared to defy gravity.
I tend to despise the seemingly faux-outpourings of grief (usually media-provoked) at the death of people deemed as celebrities. But Michael truly was something different. A one-off. A unique gift to us all.
At the end of the day, the world has lost one of the true greats. I don’t believe the outpouring of grief has been too much or over-the-top. Indeed, it’s far less than was displayed for the born-into-money and married-royalty Princess Diana, and the truth is, MJ was FAR more talented and worked FAR harder to achieve all he did.
I for one will miss him tremendously. Although after 1989-ish, I no longer really considered myself a fan of his any more (my musical tastes diverting into far more obscure and less commercial music), I did buy the Dangerous album and was very impressed with it. His later works, I had little interest in.
But for around ten years, from 1982 to 1992, Michael Jackson was by far the most successful and famous person on the planet. His star was stratospheric. He was a genius. When he’s on TV, you can’t take your eyes of the screen. His music was sublime. The man truly created magic, and there is now a gaping void left where his star once shone.
Michael Jackson will be remembered forever. His music, although possibly not timeless (nor was Elvis’ music, when you think about it), will always be played. Someone will always want to learn how to moonwalk.
I will miss you, Michael. Thanks for providing the soundtrack for my transition from child to adolescent. Thanks for the music, the lyrics. Thanks for the dancing. Thanks even for the weirdness. Thanks for being a breath of fresh air.
Thanks for the magic.
Well readers, the expenses scandal which is (still) rocking the world of politics here in the UK is a bloody shambles isn’t it? It’s an absolute disgrace.
For those of you who don’t know what I’m on babbling on about, last month a major British newspaper came into receipt of a file containing details of what various Members of the UK Parliament have been claiming for via expenses. And the said newspaper published these details. And politicians have squirmed and squirmed as they have tried to defend these extravagant purchases made for themselves, by themselves, at the taxpayer’s expense.
Hilariously, a number of politicians declared publicly that they had done ‘nothing wrong,’ and had ‘nothing to be ashamed of,’ then promptly offered to pay (some of) the money back and/or resigned their posts.
The truly worrying thing is that from the beginning of organised Parliament in this country (which must be at least around five hundred years ago), there hasn’t been any kind of system put in place to set out clearly to MP’s what they can and can’t claim for.
So obviously, all sorts of dubious expense claims must have been put in over the centuries. It also seems that extravagant claims have been overlooked.
And let’s not make any mistakes or misjudgements over this: if it’s happening now, it’s been happening for bloody years.
Part of me feels rather sorry for Gordon Brown. Not a huge part, probably something like one of those little bones in my ear. But he’s really had a shitter of a time since he became Prime Minister.
And I have to hold my hands up here- there have been many occasions when I have sat and grinned at the TV as I’ve watched him squirm in his seat, pretending that he does have some semblance of control over his party.
Indeed, just a few weeks ago, he seemed to have lost all control, particularly after the Euro elections.
Everybody in the country (well- the media at least) thought his time was up. All the sand had run to the bottom of the hourglass. He was out. Parliament would be dissolved and a general election would have to be called. It was panic time in the New Labour camp.
But Golden Gordon called an emergency meeting with his cabinet (or what was left of it after a significant number of them resigned their posts and walked out in protest) and had a bit of a reshuffle. Then, he emerged with that stupid-looking grin and announced that all had been discussed, and it was back to business as usual.
So life went on. The expenses scandal has continued to raise it’s ugly head as various MP’s have been found guilty of claiming expenses (ie- taking OUR money as taxpayers) to fund things such as pruning trees and (as one Tory MP did) having a moat cleaned out!
Yep- you heard that right. He reached into the coffers of hard-working people’s money, and had his sodding moat cleaned with it.
What a colossal prick.
One MP even (and I still shake my head as I think of it now) had a small floating island built for his ducks!
It’s true!
I saw the pictures in the newspaper!
A small, wooden, house-shaped thing which floated on his lakes, for his bloody DUCKS to live on. And it turned out that the ducks weren’t even using it. So not only was it just a waste of money, it was a TOTAL WASTE of OUR money.
And I don’t claim to know the solution to this problem. Clearly some kind of legislation should be put in place setting out exactly what is and is not reasonable for MP’s to claim for.
Obviously, if they live a fair distance away from London, then they will need accommodation for when they are in Parliament. But what kind of accommodation? Should tax payers really be expected to pay for a second house for these people? It’s particularly annoying when you hear we’re paying for second homes for people who aren’t even using them!
Rather like those ducks on that lake!
Also, specifics need to be drafted as to what MPs can and can’t make claims for. As you’ve seen, some of them are truly absurd. But should they be able to claim for a second home? Surely a hotel room while they’re VISIBLY PRESENT in Parliament should suffice! And transport to and from the House of Commons? If they’re claiming for a second home nearer Parliament, then surely they shouldn’t be able to claim travel expenses from the said second home to the Commons every day. That’s like claiming to overcome the same problem twice! Sorry, but I have to make my way to and from work using my own car and funding my own fuel, tax, insurance and maintenance.
And I’m earning a lot less than these so-called politicians are!
There are a lot of questions need answering, but something needs sorting, and soon. The British public truly seem to have lost all faith in politicians. They’ve always had a kind of unenviable reputation as sleazy and corrupt, but when something like this is exposed, it just makes you realise what a rotten bunch of people we have representing us.
Some would go so far as to claim that what these dishonest MP’s have been claiming for amounts to theft.
I wouldn’t go that far myself. You see, there has been no proper legislation in place to stop this going on (or at least to regulate expense claims). And that’s what needs to be put into force immediately.
Only then can we begin to build up some semblance of trust for these people who now really must work hard to make up for the deceit which has probably been going on for centuries.
Okay, I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t want to stoop to it, but I feel I ought to address what the hell has been going on politics-wise here in the UK.
It’s been making the news and causing all sorts of stirs and reaction- so much so that regular readers will probably be wondering how come I’ve been avoiding the subject. This is not like me. They will probably be aware that I try not to duck the big issues as far as Parliament and the governing of this country is concerned, but a number of issues, including the one I’m going to talk to you about today, really were starting to bore me before I had the opportunity to put an article together; mainly due to the mass media-coverage it has have received.
But the emails have started to creep in. ‘Craig, what are your thoughts on the BNP’s success in your county, Yorkshire, in the recent Euro elections?’
Well, you asked, so I’m going to tell you.
First of all though, I feel the need to point out the following fact: Labour did shit.
Honestly, they performed terribly. I pissed myself, mainly due to my dislike of that Gordon Brown chap.
But the election of the BNP is a real political hot potato, if you will. In the Euro elections, the British National Party gained two seats in the European Parliament.
For those of you who aren’t aware of the BNP, they are a far-right party whose only real political agenda is (as they put it) the promotion of all things British.
And what’s wrong with that?
The answer: Nothing. The promotion of Britishness is something that has been needed in the country for years. It’s something which seems to be sadly lacking, or more specifically, has been zapped away from us over the last thirty or so years. National pride NEEDS to be re-instilled in us.
So far so good.
However, the BNP’s manifesto seems to think that the promotion of Britishness should mean the destruction and denouncement of everything which is non-British. This includes cultures and people living on these shores which it (the BNP that is) deems as immigrant.
They want to sever ties with Europe (and all though I’m anti-EU, surely the unnecessary severance of ties with anyone will be counter-beneficiary), and remove non-whites and immigrants (including fourth and fifth generation immigrants) from the country.
I shit you not- this is what they actually want to do.
Regardless of the facts that less than 0.01% of the current population can class themselves as truly indigenous, they want, basically, foreigners and their ancestors OUT!
But where do we draw the line when we use words like ‘immigrant’ and ‘foreigner’?
What about the Germans and the French and Scandinavians that invaded these shores over 1500 years ago? You know, the immigrants that I’m probably descended from? Am I to be thrown out too, even though my family tree is traceable in this country as far back as I can go?
I would be interested to discover Nick Griffin’s roots (he’s the leader of this party). Can he honestly claim to be an indigenous Englishman? One of the 0.01%? If so, perhaps we should ALL ship out and leave him here on his own.
The BNP try to dress themselves up as a Pro-British Party.
They’re not.
If the BNP ever get ANY significant amount of power, Great Britain will lie in ruins. A war-torn disaster zone within weeks. A party with a single-policy, even if it’s a FANTASTIC policy, cannot govern a country.
And no BNP supporters can deny that.
Indeed, just after Griffin gained his European seat he was pelted with eggs. Can you imagine the scenes if they ever came into Government????
The BNP is a very small party with controversial undertones that can never do anyone any good.
Why the BNP has had more success here in Yorkshire than in any other part of the country, I truthfully can’t answer. I know a number of our cities are heavily populated with Asian immigrants, but no more so than places Birmingham and London, surely?
Is there a reason why people in Barnsley are more, shall we say ‘anti-immigration’ than Londoners?
Do people in Barnsley perhaps notice a greater influx of immigration into their part of the world than others? And what is worrying them about these immigrants? Surely not the age-old adage that ‘they’ll take all our jobs’. The last I heard ‘they only come here for the welfare state benefits.’ Hey, make you’re minds up, racist people! I’d love to know what the latest complaint is!
Having said all that- a significant number of people used their rights to vote to elect them into power. These people have a legitimate voice and should be heard, and their views discussed intelligently.
The physical attacking of Griffin (and the other guy- I forget his name) simply for winning these seats goes against EVERYTHING democracy stands for. They won the seats fairly and squarely, and that fact needs to be observed whether we like it or not. They should be allowed to take their seats just as the Labour, Lib Dem, Tory, UKIP and Green candidates have, simply because a significant proportion of the population wants these new MEPs to represent them in Europe. A fact that can’t be denied.
Even if you loathe the BNP, you must respect democracy, and allow politics to work its course.
Physically attacking people just because you disagree with their policies simply puts you on the same level as them. We, as intelligent people, need to defeat these base urges to use physical aggression and defeat these people properly using intelligent, controlled discussion.
After all, it can’t be too difficult, now can it?
‘Til next time folks…
This week’s article from my good self is all about mistranslations, which are particularly amusing when the translation has a double entendre. There is a website which records signs and notices written in English in tourist-places in the orient. I think it’s called www.engrish.com. And it’s hilarious. The best examples (and these are all photographically represented on that site), as far as I am concerned are:
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
The list goes on and on, some are far funnier and more intelligent than others. Some are just rude translations or very crass, but it’s a fun way of spending a spare half hour or so.
But after my visit to Engrish, I soon (via the wonders of the internet) became aware of mistranslations and double-meanings which have occurred in countries away from the Orient. And these have proved to be equally hilarious.
Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.?
Great stuff eh? Gave me a good titter or two. Until next time, folks…
So the world is in the grip of an economic meltdown, and here in Britain, it would seem we are feeling the pinch rather more than most other countries if our media is meant to be believed.
Yet the issue of the compulsory carrying of ID cards has yet again reared its ugly head. And guess what? In spite of the credit crunch, or recession, or whatever you want to call it, they’re still trying to push ahead with it. And the costs which are being bandied about are really quite staggering.
And conspiracy theories abound about these things, including the indication that this is another step towards Britain becoming a Police State. And it’s really quite terrifying.
So now in a time that we are having to tighten our belts and watch what we spend, the bill for this unwanted Blairite piece of crap is now £48 billion and rising. The figures quoted that we would each have to spend on one of these things has gone from £29 to almost £60 and if we want to take a foreign holiday in the future we are "obliged" to have to pay for an I.D card too when we renew our Passport. Long live the rise in U.K holidays I say.
What is the highlighted excuse this time? It will save us carrying a utility bill when we want to apply for something. That’s the new reason as to why these ID cards will make our lives much more comfortable.
Won’t my driving licence do? I carry mine in my wallet. It has my photo on it and carries a fair bit of information about me. I have a Bank Card and several credit cards- they don’t have my photo on them YET! But it does carry a fair bit of information about me in the strip on the back. My Passport has an electronic loop in the back so every time I use it the Government know where I am going, how long I will have been there and can track my movements abroad because of the chip and antennae in the back. My mobile phone (by all accounts) can tell the Government if they wish to know where I am at any given time.
We can be tracked in (most of our movements in towns and cities are logged by CCTV), what we buy is recorded on Loyalty Cards, Retailer Computer Systems and Credit Cards.
Surely the U.K Government have enough information on all of us. Their track record for keeping it safe however is another story.
In a time when money is tight surely the rising cost of this Card that nobody wants but will be forced into having at £60 cost each and rising; is a criminal waste. And we will be lucky if it is only £60! Even if we are only charged £60 I am sure the remaining costs will be added to our taxes.
All this is on top of the billions for the Olympics which we’re forking out for, billions for the questionable war on Iraq, billions for the banks bailout, oh, and the billions for the new schools and hospitals that we haven’t paid for yet.... you would think the word recession had not actually sunk into this spend spend spend government!
And what exactly are they spending money on? To me, it seems they are trying to log everything about us. And an article I read the other month indicates to me that they are already taking quite a worrying step in monitoring our whereabouts at all time. And they’re starting with the police themselves.
According to the report in a UK newspaper which I noticed in early April, every single Metropolitan police officer will be 'microchipped' so top brass can monitor their movements on a Big Brother style tracking scheme,
Apparantly the plan, which will apply to all serving officers in the Police Force, is set to replace the unreliable Airwave radio system currently used to help monitor officer's movements.
The new electronic tracking device - called the Automated Personal Location System (APLS) - means that officers will never be out of range of supervising officers.
But many serving officers fear being turned into "Robocops" - controlled by bosses who have not been out on the beat in years.
According to the company behind this system, the new technology 'will enable operators in the Service's operations centres to identify the location of each police officer' at any time they are on duty - whether overground or underground.
Of course, police chiefs are rolling out the expected spiel, saying the new technology is about 'improving officer safety' and helping them to react to incidents more quickly, but many of the rank and file believe it is just a Big Brother style system to keep tabs on them and make sure they don't 'doze off on duty'.
Some officers are concerned that the system - which will be able to pinpoint any of the 31,000 officers in the Met to within a few feet of their location - will put a complete end to community policing and leave officers purely at the beck and call of control room staff rather than reacting to members of the public on the ground.
A significant number of police officers, it would seem, believe the new system will turn them into 'Robocops' simply obeying instructions from above rather than using their own judgement.
One officer, working in Peckham, south London, said: "They are keeping the exact workings of the system very hush-hush at the moment - although it will be similar to the way criminals are electronically tagged. There will not be any choice about wearing one.
"We depend on our own ability and local knowledge to react to situations accordingly.
"Obviously we need the back up and information from control, but a lot of us feel that we will simply be used as machines, or robots, to do what we are told with little or no chance to put in anything ourselves."
He added: "Most of us joined up so we could apply the law and think for ourselves, but if Sarge knows where we are every second of the day it just makes it difficult."
Another officer, who did not want to be named, said: "A lot of my time is spent speaking to people in cafes, parks or just wherever I'm approached. If I feel I've got my chief breathing down my neck to make another arrest I won't feel I'm doing my job properly."
No details have yet been announced about exactly how the system will work or what sort of devices officers will wear.
Nigel Lee, a workstream manager at the Met, said: "Safety is a primary concern for all police forces.
"The area served by our force covers 620 miles and knowing the location of our officers means that not only can we provision resource more quickly, but should an officer need assistance, we can get to them even more quickly."
I’m sure this subject will promote much debate in the coming months, and sure, I can see the positives and the negatives surrounding the idea. However, how long before we’re all made to wear one?
'Til next time, folks...
Good day to you, dear readers and welcome to the TENTH great email inbox clearout- the occasional regular article where I take the opportunity to clearout my email inbox of some of the feeble jokes that seem to do the rounds. I hope you enjoy them…
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how everything went."
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how her love life has been.
"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."
"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."
"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!"
***
A pregnant woman from San Francisco got in a car accident and fell into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Congratulations, you had twins! A boy and a girl. When your brother heard about the accident, he came to San Francisco, since he was the closest relative we had him name them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
***
There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a fanatic golfer.
Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time, gets up very early and is golfing all day long. Well this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course.
It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and says, "the weather out there is terrible."
To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"
***
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
***
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's wrong with you?"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around.'"
***
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
***
A blonde couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
***
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend.
That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"
"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios..."
***
Well, that’s all for now.
‘Til next time, folks…
Hello there, dear readers, and a warm welcome to a brand new commentary from your old friend Craig. Hope you’re all well.
This time, I’m going to share with you the results of a discovery I recently made, which I formulated into a system you yourselves can use. There is no charge for it, just remember who to thank when you have successfully achieved what you previously thought to be impossible!
Ladies and Gentlemen, in keeping with current trends and cashing on fads and people’s own insecurities, I present to you, the one and only – Whistler Diet!!!
Yep- we all want to look our best when possible, and it’s always nice to have a lovely trim figure to show off. But exercising is very hard work, and dieting can be an uninteresting pain in the arse! But thanks to a recent observation I made, I think I’ve found something a little more interesting than the bog-standard salad diets that are going around.
‘But what is this earth-shattering observation you’ve made?’ I hear you cry. Well, dear friends, the answer is thus: the vast majority of three-year-old kids are NOT fat!
So what is their secret then? How do they manage to keep off the fat? Well, if any of you have had any experience in looking after children of around this age, then they will be more than aware that they have quite a lot of energy- they’re constantly running around and getting into things- climbing things, jumping off things, etc.
Now, The Whistler diet doesn’t involve any of THAT (and thank God for that, I hear you cry!)
Nope, instead of the exercise part of it, I’ve been studying the diet of the average child of this age, and I believe, if those of us who are, shall we say, slightly overweight, adopted the eating habits of three year olds, then we might find ourselves losing that excess fat!
After consultation with paediatricians, x-ray technicians, and distraught mothers, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive and offers great variety and sufficient quantity. I present- The Whistler Weight Loss Plan! Let me know how you get on with it…
Day 1:
Breakfast- One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, and then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch- Four crayons (any colour) a handful of crisps, and a glass of milk- 3 sips, then spill the rest.
Dinner- A dry stick, 2 pennies, 4 sips of flat diet pop.
Bedtime snack- Toast a piece of bread, butter it, and toss it face down on the floor.
Day 2:
Breakfast- Pick up stale toast from the floor and eat it. Drink 1/2 bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch- Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and one ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack- Lick an all day sucker until sticky, take it outside and drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until clean again, then bring inside and drop on living room carpet.
Dinner- A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes, eat with spoon.
Day 3:
Breakfast- 2 pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub fingers in hair to clean. Glass of milk, drink half, stuff excess pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from carpet, lick off fuzz until sticky again, then leave on cushion of your best chair.
Lunch- Peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several well-chewed bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk onto table, then slurp up.
Dinner- Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, 1 sip of cold coffee.
Final Day:
Breakfast- 1/4 tube of toothpaste (any flavour), bite of soap, one olive. Pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add 1/2 cup of sugar. Wait until cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog with your spoon.
Lunch- Eat crumbs off the kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner- A plate of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Handful of cheese snacks, eat 2 and place the rest in bowling ball holes or any other convenient hiding place.
So there you have it folks, a breakthrough in the word of dieting. Throw away those celebrity weight loss DVDs and faddy fancy food books, and get down with the kids- they know what they’re doing! Let’s get rid of that excess fat!!
Well hello there, fondest reader. I hope you are well!
I am prompted to write this particular article by a comedy programme I was watching on television the other night. One of the sketches was about the English language, and how bizarre it is. And when you start to think about it, it really is.
In fact, it’s no wonder that many foreign language students consider English one of the most difficult to master.
Of course, to us natives, it all seems pretty straight-forward. And I’m sure our Australian and American (and other predominantly English-speaking countries’ natives) would agree, but when we analyse it all a little deeper, it is easy to see what a complex and pretty crazy language.
And I think it was all messed up by the Americans. Want proof? Okay, here goes…
Here in England, we have a vegetable called an aubergine. In the USA, it is referred to as an eggplant. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but aubergines have absolutely nothing to do with eggs. So where the hell did they get that name from? There is no egg in eggplant.
They call chips French fries- but they weren’t invented in France, were they? So how the hell did it come to adopt that particular misnomer? A mystery to me. And as an Englishman, I know that what those yanks refer to as English muffins are unheard of over here by that name. Definitely not invented in England anyway!
They also have sweetmeats, which are a type of sweet (candy) while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
Can you see what I’m getting at?
It’s not just the Americans, though. All of us that speak English as our first language are guilty of some incredible paradoxes, misnomers and oxymoron’s on a daily basis. There are things which we take for granted that a foreigner would question, such as: why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
It’s messed up, isn’t it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways (another Americanism there- we don’t tend to have parkways over here)?
And those Americans call someone we in England would refer to as a ‘Smart Arse’ as a ‘wise guy’. So how come a wise man and a wise guy are opposites, but a slim chance and a fat chance are the same?
There’s one example of these kinds of things that we here in England are particularly guilty of. If we say something is ‘bollocks’ it means it is rubbish or garbage, but if we say it is ‘the dog’s bollocks’, that means it is absolutely fantastic. Simply by attaching the bollocks to a canine, we are giving it a totally opposite meaning. Incredible!!
Also, how can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?
And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this article, I end it.
‘Til next time folks…
Chain emails. I hate them. They do my head in. Particularly the ones threatening me with all sorts of nastiness should I fail to forward them.
I received one the other day, however, which I thought was fabulous. I still didn’t forward it to everyone in my mailbox, because I know how frustrating it can be receiving stuff that you haven’t asked for. I have posted it here, however, because I truly believe you’ll absolutely love it. And it certainly got me thinking. Enjoy…
Five (5) lessons to make you think about the way we treat people.
1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.
During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:
'What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?'
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50's, but how would I know her name?
I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
'Absolutely,' said the professor. 'In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello.'
I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain
One night, at 11:3 0 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 60s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console colour TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached...
It read:
'Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along.
Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others.'
Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.
3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.
'How much is an ice cream sundae?' he asked.
'Fifty cents,' replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.
'Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?' he inquired.
By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.
'Thirty-five cents,' she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins.
'I'll have the plain ice cream,' he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies.
You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse laying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand!
Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.
5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had
miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.
I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, 'Yes I'll do it if it will save her.' As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the colour returning to her cheek. Then his
face grew pale and his smile faded.
He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, 'Will I start to die right away'.
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her but he had chosen to save her anyway.
Moving stuff, I’m sure you’ll agree.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light.
And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And the Devil said, "There goes the neighbourhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."
And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the £1 double cheeseburger.
And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?"
And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yoghurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth Sky TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between Sky Sports 1 and Sky Sports News. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fat fried them. And the Devil created ketchup.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another ten pounds.
And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counsellor. And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.
And God brought forth Weight-watchers. It didn't help.
And God created exercise machines with easy payments.
And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.
And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either.
'Til next time, folks...
We’ve all been in that unenviable situation at work where you have absolutely nothing to do. Now, in some instances, this can be a wonderful thing. A bit of time, paid, where one can indulge in practices of a non-work nature. I won’t go into any details here, but you know what I mean. Some may check out the old MySpace or Facebook, visit fantastic online commentary magazines like The Whistler, or perhaps catch up on some personal correspondence you haven’t managed to keep up with over recent weeks.
Ah yes, being at work with no actual work to do can be a nice, comfortable, almost liberating experience.
But what if the boss is around? Perhaps a boss wandering around wouldn’t like to see you on these social networking sites, writing personal emails or playing java games in company time. Chances are, if a boss, who is paying you to work, sees that you’re not working, then he’ll probably find something for you to do. And you can guarantee that it won’t be anything pleasant.
But, there is a way out of it. All you need to do is convey the impression to your boss and indeed colleagues, that you are always as busy as a beaver. This not only masks the fact that you’re using company time for your own ends, but will also look impressive should you come up for a pay review!
So to help you out, I proudly present to you The Whistler Guide To Creating The Illusion That You’re Working Hard, When In Actual Fact, You’re Not! I hope you find this helpful!
The first rule is simple, but wonderfully effective. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
The second rule is useful when you’re on the old social networking sites or catching up with friends via email. The golden rule is thus: use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer, as long as they can’t see what’s being displayed on the monitor. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.
And although these aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you eventually get caught by your boss (and believe me, you *will* get caught) - your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
Rule number three: Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
Rule number four utilises that wonderful invention we have come to know as voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it".
Here’s a bonus hint for you. 4a, if you will: If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
Rule number five utilises any acting skills you may have. You should try to master the art of looking impatient and annoyed. According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
The sixth rule is another truly high quality piece of deception: Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays.
Further to rule number five and bringing the acting skills further into the game, rule seven is entitled Creative Sighing for Effect. This involves sighing loudly and noticeably when there are many people around, giving them the impression that you are very hard pressed.
Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. . . .Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.
Rule number nine is a beauty, and with a little work, can be very effective. Build your vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
AND RULE TEN IS THE MOST IMPORTANT: DON'T let your boss see this page.
Hope this helps.
Dear readers,
As you know, sometimes this site can be very light hearted and a lot of fun, and on occasions it seems necessary to have to take a look at the more serious side of life. And for this article, I’m going to relate a little anecdote to you, so you yourselves can decide which category to put it in.
The anecdote which follows is all about a recent little adventure which befell a, shall we say, contact of mine, and I hope you find it entertaining. I know it certainly got me thinking, and I’m hoping it will have a similar effect on my huge army of readers.
It all began one morning about nine years ago (the turn of the millennium, I recall. That’s right! It was that distant, hazy memory of a year we know as 2000), when this contact of mine was on his way to the post office to pick up a case of free M&M's. (The free case of the popular confection was sent to him because he forwarded their e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals).
Well, it so happened that as my anonymous acquaintance was running this particular errand, he ran into a friend whose neighbour, a young man, was at home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken - which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why (as everybody knows) the government made them change their name to KFC.
Anyway, the story goes that one night this guy (that is my anonymous acquaintance’s friend’s neighbour) went to sleep, and when he awoke he was astounded, shocked and startled to find he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice. He was sore all over and in absolute agony. When he finally mustered up the strength to get himself out of the tub, he came to the rather shocking realisation that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN.
He saw a note scrawled into the condensation on his bathroom mirror that said "Call 999!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"
He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World holiday and £5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 999 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense.
Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped around a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."
Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the Make A Wish Foundation has agreed to pay him a penny for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
Anyway, I’m losing my thread here. Where was I? Oh, yes, I remember…
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
All I can advise each reader of The Whistler does, is copy and paste this article into an email and send it to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms, but if you don't the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get cancer from the Sodium Laureth Sulphate in your shampoo, your wife will develop breast cancer from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.
I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.
Well, dear readers, I think it’s probably about time I gave the old email inbox another clearout. You know the score by now about what this is about. If not, scroll down and read some previous ones. Ta.
Hope you’re sitting comfortably…
*-*
The Worst Country Song Lyrics
1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.
2. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
3. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
4. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.
5. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
6. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
7. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
9. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
10. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
12. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
13. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.
14. Please Bypass This Heart.
15. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
16. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
-*-
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
-*-
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a sexy body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform. Limp as a dishrag!
On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.
Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.
Looking down at his penis, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"
-*-
The Dumbest Actual Answers Given By Contestants on "The Family Feud" Game Show
* Name something a blind person might use - A sword
* Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
* Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
* Name something that floats in the bath - Water
* Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
* Something you put on walls - Roofs
* Something in the garden that's green - Shed
* Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
* Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
* Something with a hole in it – Window
-*-
This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day.
The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."
"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.
"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"Definitely," said the old man.
The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"
"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"It sure will," said the old man.
The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the cufflink off the piano player.
"This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?"
"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."
The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"No," said the old man, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your behind, and it won't hurt as much!"
-*-
A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"
So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND chocolates.
She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair... hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.
After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.
"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."
"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewellery!"
-*-
A brunette, redhead, and a blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation.
After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three," and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three," and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
-*-
If Men Really Ruled!
* Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
* Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I Love You".
* Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards
* When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
* Birth control would come in ale or lager.
* Each year, your pay rise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.
* The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
* "Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
* Instead of a beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
* Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would only occur in leap years.
* The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle.
* Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
* Taps would run "Hot,' "Cold," and "100 proof".
* People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
* Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
* Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
-*-
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
-*-
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.
"Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!"
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
-*-
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.
The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
-*-
A man walks into an ice cream parlour and says "Can I have a pint of chocolate ice cream, please?"
The clerk looks up and says "Sorry sir, but we don't have any chocolate left."
After careful pondering the man says, "OK, I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream, then"
The clerk grows frustrated and replies "No, I'm sorry, there IS NO CHOCOLATE."
The man apologizes and stares at the menu for a while, and then says "Fine, give me just one scoop of chocolate ice cream please."
The clerk takes a breath and says "Sir, could you please spell VAN, as in Vanilla?"
The man is intrigued, and so spells out "V-A-N."
The clerk nods. "Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry, please?"
"S-T-R-A-W", replies the man.
"And finally, spell STINK, as in chocolate?"
The man starts to say "S-T... wait a minute, there's no 'stink' in chocolate!"
"NOW we understand each other!" the clerk exclaims.
-*-
That’s all for now then! ‘Til next time, folks…
Okay boys and girls, how are you today? Are you sitting comfortably? Good! Then we’ll begin.
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, there lived a handsome young King called Arthur, who was ruler of the Kingdom of Mercia.
Now, it came to pass that one day, while the king was out hunting alone (against the wishes of his squires and kinsmen, I hasten to add), he was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom.
The monarch’s original intention was to have the young king killed, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness and zest for life. So he said to him, “Arthur, I will set you a task. I will ask you a question and allow you to return to Mercia. Then, in one year’s time, I will track you down and bring you back here. If you have the answer to that question, I will release you. I will give you freedom. However, if you cannot give me an answer, or the answer you give me is wrong, then you must pay with your life. Do you understand?”
The young King Arthur told his captor that he fully understood, but would it be possible for him to hear the question first. His captor told him that would be okay, and in a loud voice, he posed it.
The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.
Well, since it was a little bit of a leeway and a far more attractive proposition than instant death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises... He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told Arthur that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.
The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament:
During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
-*-
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY; UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH.
Hello dear readers, and welcome along to the first post of 2009. And although the economy is in tatters with more doom and gloom predicted, let’s all stay hopeful that we can come through this period of darkness intact, and that the people predicting these downturns in our finances have got it all terribly wrong.
And as a resolution, we at The Whistler are going to be on better form than ever.
We hope.
Anyway, let me get on with what I want to talk to you about in this article.
Towards the end of last year, I was reading quite an interesting little article on MSN regarding the workplace and behaviour in it. This is a topic still being very much discussed, thanks in a large part, I would assume, to the popularity of the hit comedy series The Office. And as The Office is a very funny programme, I was kind of expecting the article to be. But it wasn’t. I had misled myself. But it was, after all, an interesting piece. It was called ’10 Things Not To Say In The Workplace’. You can understand why, from this title, I assumed it would be a humorous piece. But no. Interesting yes, funny- no.
And as I thought that we're all depressed at this time of year as we get back into the old routine after the festivities of Christmas time, this advice might be rather useful to us as we all get back into the office.
The article went along the following lines - The British have a reputation for being intelligently humorous, polite, reserved and proud of our stiff upper-lip, as satirised by shows such as Fawlty Towers and Blackadder. But, when it comes to the office, almost 60% of UK workers admit to displaying bad manners towards their colleagues and committing verbal faux pas on a regular basis, according to a survey.
There then followed a list of ten things which are probably best NOT repeating in the office environment if you want to stay on the right side of your bosses and co-workers. These are they:
1. "You are the dumbest boss that I have ever had"
You have just landed the job of your dreams and you can't wait to give your current boss the two-fingered salute and tell him exactly what you think of him. But, resist the temptation to bad mouth and let off steam. Take the following true case that appeared in The Times as an example of what you should not say. One person referred to their employer as "having an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel." He added: "You are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time." Remember, your comments will be filed for future reference if requested by another employer.
2. "That's not my job"
With your 'to-do' list showing no signs of getting shorter, your boss walks into your office to ask if you do a 'little' job for him, which results in you taking on more work than you can realistically manage. But, a "blunt refusal to help, will simply burn bridges and damage goodwill," says psychologist Bryan Carroll. "Instead, simply explain your existing commitments – and perhaps propose another time that you could offer assistance."
3. "Anyone can do his job"
Are you quick to badmouth your boss or ridicule their decisions or initiatives? Watch out: the boss hears everything that is said in the office – good and bad. Assume that what you say will eventually get back to him via the network of office gossips. And the next time you notice yourself griping, ask yourself, "Is it more important to vent my frustrations, or to get that next promotion?" One expects the latter will be your reply.
4. "Take the whole pack of Trebor's, please - you need them more than me"
This approach is about as subtle as a brick and you may want to re-assess your diplomacy skills. The best way to tell someone that their breath is a problem is to do so discreetly. If a colleague has bad breath, offer a mint or furtively leave a packet on their desk.
5. "Sack me and you will regret it"
These were the famous last words of Martin Jol shortly before his dismissal as Tottenham Hotspur manager. Just because you were the number one salesperson or are credited with reversing the fortunes of the company in the past, does not guarantee that you will have a job indefinitely. Remember, nobody owes you a job. And, as the saying goes: you are only as good as your last game.
6. "Why can't I log onto Facebook anymore?"
The reason why the Daily Telegraph found that 70% of UK companies have banned their employees from accessing social networking sites, such as Facebook and Bebo, is because they detract staff from doing what they are paid to do - work. Besides, do you really want to run the risk of your boss peering over your shoulder and finding out what you really get up to at the weekend?
7. "Have a go if you think you're hard enough"
Most of us don't get to choose the people we work with and your colleagues come as part of the package when you take a job. So it would be unrealistic to presume that you will get on with everyone all of the time. But if the tension between you and a colleague threatens to boil over, physically remove yourself from confrontation and allow yourself sufficient time to work out a passive response. "We've all said things in anger that we later regret," says Nancy Peterson, co-founder of the Mediation Agency. "A lot of conflict could be avoided if people didn't wrongly hypothesise a reason for someone's behaviour, and make a poor decision based on this judgement."
8. "I do like to dabble in recreational drugs every now and again"
If you do 'dabble' then make sure you keep it to yourself – whatever you tell people now will become more widely known as you climb the career ladder and, you may find that that climb comes to an abrupt halt sooner than you think. In a survey of email blunders, officebroker.com in the UK found the case of an employee who, following a 'sick' day, sent an email to a colleague explaining his illness was due to 'class A's'. Unfortunately, he sent it to everyone in his company including the senior management. He now works elsewhere!
9. "Go away, I'll do it when I'm ready"
With Britain's long-hours working culture, it is easy to feel swamped by the increasing amount of work that you have to get through every day. Indeed, 72% of UK workers admit to avoiding 'tricky' or time-consuming tasks in the hope that the issue will go away, according to a survey conducted by Office Angels. But, there really is no excuse for bad manners at work. "Manners are an essential part of the image you project at work," says Paul Jacobs, managing director of Office Angels.
10. "How did he ever get promoted?"
You may think that you are smarter than you really are and perhaps feel that it should have been you rather than your new boss who deserved a promotion. But don't follow the route of constantly bemoaning or spreading vicious gossip about your boss – a condition termed 'post-traumatic embitterment disorder' by researchers at the University of Berlin. Moreover, in your eagerness to prove to your superiors that they were wrong to pass you over for promotion, you run risk of being seen as an irritant or, worse still, desperate. So never point out what could be done better unless you are canvassed for your opinion by your boss.
Sound advice, I’m sure you’ll agree. However, the article did get me thinking about a viral email I had seen but a few weeks before, which was generally a funnier version of the above. This was entitled:
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T!
There then followed a list of funnies which were also faux-pas in the office. But funny. We’d all love to say them, but it’s probably for the best if we never do. Here goes…
1. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a shit.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Now THAT’S an article about keeping your mouth shut in the office!
‘Til next time folks…
Happy New Year!!!
Okay. Well, it’s the last commentary before Christmas, and indeed the last commentary of 2008. I normally fill this article with jokes and things, but all the festive jokes I’ve heard this year seem to be repeats from previous ones.
So, I thought I’d educate you a little. Read and learn…
The popular Christmas Song “The Twelve Days of Christmas” has been a British tradition for centuries. The tune is almost certainly French in origin and the English words can be dated to 1780 and are probably much older. While some people attribute a Catholic mnemonic to the gifts, the song is more likely to come from a memory game played by children on Twelfth Night.
Since 1984 a US financial firm has tried to price the gifts (364 gifts in total, in case you’re wondering)—this year they totalled US$21,080 (£14,071), up nearly 8% from 2007.
The partridge in a pear tree is a rather peculiar image to start with, but some say it reflects the French origins of the song since the French for partridge is perdrix, which is pronounced per dree.
A partridge is the first of a series of meats being offered by the true love (read on!). In the Catholic interpretation, the partridge, the first gift from the true love (God) is Jesus.
Two Turtle Doves
Meat number two, or representative of the Old and New Testaments? You decide.
Three French Hens
French hens, because they were generally regarded as better eating. Or representative of faith, hope, and charity.
Four Calling Birds
While most modern versions of the song has calling birds, the original text has four colley birds—another name for the blackbird. Alternatively you’re thinking of the four Gospels.
Five Gold Rings
If we’re going to take the vegetarian option, the birds have been gifts purely for their singing or egg-laying capabilities. And here we get something worthwhile (and in these economically uncertain times, five gold rings is a gift not to be sniffed at). But given the theme so far, we're probably talking about ring-necked pheasants. We may of course be talking about the first five books of the Old Testament that describe man's fall from grace.
Six Geese a-Laying
Laying geese are regarded as more valuable because they lay—apparently not as common as you might think in your average goose. This is turning into quite a feast—goose was once the Christmas meat of choice and is making a comeback for those who want an alternative to turkey. Turkeys don’t feature in this song since it was really the 20th century before it became the Christmas dish of choice. Six days of creation, by the way.
Seven Swans a-Swimming
We're on the last meat course. Yes, swans used to be eaten too, especially in high society (the swans on the River Thames all belong to the Queen). Or we’re looking at the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit.
Eight Maids a-Milking
Fresh milk was also a great luxury in the times before refrigeration—as well as a source of pudding since custard and cream both come from milk. Or a reference to the eight Beatitudes.
Nine Ladies Dancing
Phew! The feeding has finished and we're on to the entertainment. Ballet such as The Nutcracker Suite remains a seasonal treat. As do the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit.
Ten Lords a-Leaping
Well, maybe Morris Dancing was not what you had in mind. But folk dancing remained an important aspect of Christmas traditions well into the 19th century. It may also remind you of the Ten Commandments.
Eleven Pipers Piping
So here comes the music. Or a reminder that there were eleven faithful disciples.
Twelve Drummers Drumming
More musicians to accompany the pipers, unless they are here to remind you of the 12 points of the Apostle’s Creed.
Interesting stuff eh? And I just thought we were all just singing a load of random rubbish. Having said all that, I also read elsewhere on the net that the song really IS just a collection of random ideas that sound good. So who knows? Seems I’ve just wasted loads of your valuable time.
Well, that’s that out of the way, and now…
My Annual Seasonal Best Wishes List (this saves me a bloody fortune on greetings cards!!!)
I’d like to take this opportunity in the last commentary before Christmas, and indeed the last commentary of the year, to thank every single person who has taken a look at the site. I’d like to thank the people who come back every now and then to check what’s happening, and the people who (no matter what they have to say!) take the time out to drop me a line. I always enjoy receiving the emails.
So I’m gonna do my Christmas greetings right here: I want to wish a HUGE Merry Christmas and a fantastic New Year to EVERY READER of The Whistler, as well as…
My son, Ethan and my wife Rachel.
My Mum, Dad and Grandad.
Neil, Julie, Kerry, Niall and Craig.
My co-writers- Carol from The Whistler Woman and Johnny from The Whistler Down Under.
Ex-contributors Tamara (and her son Jason) from the old Whistler USA page (come back Tammy!), Jake from http://jakebert.wordpress.com and Leroy Johnson.
Also (here goes…) Joyce, Jeebs & Kia Ora, Stace & Ste, Kerry & Rob, Sprinkles, Davis, Bayer, Carl, RPL, Funtime Frankie, Kellett!, Scotty, Biggun, Lee and Craig (another Craig, that is- not me).
Everyone who works at the company I work for (you know who you are) except certain people among you who I despise (I guess you know who you are too!)
Everybody who knows me that I’ve missed off the list- it’s an oversight, but happy Christmas to you all!
I hope all of you have an incredible Christmas, and a healthy and successful 2009! Have a wonderful festive period, and I’ll be back, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for my first commentary of 2009 on Monday 12th January. Hope you can come back and join me then.
Regular readers of the site will be more than aware of my sense of humour. I like a good laugh as much as the next bloke. But the things that genuinely tickle my funny bone are stories of things that have actually happened. And when I come across articles or stories that make me smile in this way, I feel a need to share it with you, my faithful army of readers!
This time, I want to take a look at insurance claim forms. These are for when people are trying to make a claim on their insurance policy, and there is usually a box asking drivers to summarize the details of an accident succinctly.
Of course, some drivers are more gifted with the written word than others. Some start writing sentences before they’ve figured out how it’s going to end, leading them down all sorts of avenues and cul de sacs. Which is how, it would seem, most of the drivers we’re going to be looking at today, had accidents in the first place.
The first example shows how a little confusion at the first instance can lead to a lot of confusion later on. This driver collided his car into a stationary object, and had to describe what happened in his own words. After carefully choosing them, this was the best he could come up with:
I was arriving home after a day at work, when I drove into the wrong drive and collided with a tree I don't have.
An easy mistake, I’m sure you’ll all agree. Some accidents could be quite serious, but when put into words by certain people, they don’t seem quite too bad after all. This next chap, for instance, must keep his car in sparkling condition:
I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
Have you ever come across those kinds of people who try to sound more intelligent than they actually are? This next one smacks of someone trying just that:
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
And sometimes, it’s worth reading back what you have written. In this next example, I’m sure the protagonist knew what he was trying to convey as he was writing his description:
The pedestrian seemed intoxicated, and was wandering was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
And there will always be examples where the accident is not the driver’s fault at all. Although in this next case, there was perhaps one small detail he could have left out so perhaps it wouldn’t sound like some depression-induced suicide attempt:
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
Sometimes, the wording of a description can lead us to think that, although it may have two meanings, the wrong one is far more prevalent:
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
Have you never tried using a swat, mate?
Here’s one for you. Hyperbole is a big word isn’t it? I’m not even too sure what it means. But I think that this next contribution may be an example of it. Or maybe not. Like I said, I’m not too sure what it means…
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
Sometimes it can be those pesky moving objects that can cause the difficulties. However, in the case I’m about to show you, the object wasn’t moving at all (one hopes!) Perhaps it’s just the way this fellow words his description:
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
Remember Lassie? Flipper? Skippy the Bush Kangaroo? Black Beauty? Gentle Ben? What do they all have in common? They’re all animals, and they’re all heroic. But this next chap seems to have been rescued by animals that, for some reason, they’ve yet to make a TV series or movie about…
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
Sometimes, it may be best not to beat around the bush, so to speak…
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
In the following example, again it’s the wording which gives an unintentional yet hilarious double-meaning to the piece:
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
Well, perhaps you should have taken a break every now and then. Tiredness kills, don’t you know.
Sometimes there is a tendency for claimants to give a little too much information. And when you over-divulge information about two separate things, it’s understandable that the reader will assume you’re on about the same thing, and draw obvious conclusions…
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
Remember the moving telephone pole form earlier on? Now here’s an example of normally stationary items just appearing as if totally out of the blue! You think he’s going to hit the post this time, huh? Nope- there’s more to this one…
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
In the example that follows, the person making the claim strives to emphasise that he, in no way, was breaking the law. But…
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
And you think you’re unlucky? Have a look at the terrible, mysterious; almost supernatural occurrence which befell this next poor soul…
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
Ever thought with hindsight that you should have said something at the time, but neglected to? Then wished you could turn back the clock and actually say it. Ah, if only. But our next contributor has found a way around this frustrating event, and now perhaps, can put a personal injury claim in. Perhaps…
I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
Patience is a virtue, so they say…
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
And finally, do you ever wish people would stop procrastinating and just bloody get on with it?
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
‘Til next time, folks…
In case your frustration level rises today, here is a lovely little story for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:
A man going by the name of Patrick Hanifin was sitting at his desk when he remembered a telephone call that he had to make. He found the number and dialled it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
Patrick politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Louise Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on him! He couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. So he tracked down Louise's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.
After he had finished his telephone conversation with Louise, he spotted the wrong number still lying on his desk and decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, he yelled, "You're a dickhead!" and hung up. Next to his phone number, Patrick wrote the word "dickhead" and put it in his desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks thereafter, when he was paying bills or had a really bad day, he'd call him up. He would answer and Patrick would yell, "You're a dickhead!" It always cheered him up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for Patrick. He would have to stop calling the dickhead. Then one day he had an idea. He dialled his number and heard his voice. "Hello?"
Patrick made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program."
He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver.
Patrick quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a dickhead!"
One day, week or two later, Patrick was waiting to park his car as an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of the space. Patrick didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. He backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, he thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black Audi came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. Patrick started honking his horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"
The guy got out of his Audi completely ignoring Patrick. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear him. Patrick thought to himself, this guy is a dickhead. There sure are a lot of dickheads in this world. He noticed that the Audi driver had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. Patrick wrote down the number, and then hunted for another place to park.
The next day he was at home sitting at his desk. He had just gotten off the phone after calling dickhead no. 1 and yelling, "You're a dickhead!"
(It had become really easy to call him now since Patrick had his number on speed dial.)
Then he noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Audi and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. Patrick asked, "Are you the man with the black Audi for sale?"
"Yes."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 19 Farefield View. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."
Patrick asked, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Sure."
"Don, you're a dickhead!" And he slammed the phone down.
After he hung up, Patrick added Don's number to his speed dialler. Now he had two dickheads to call whenever he had a bad day. However, after some time had passed, this wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So he thought about it and came up with a solution.
First, he had my phone dial dickhead #1. The man answered nicely and Patrick yelled, "You're a dickhead!" But this time he didn't hang up.
The dickhead said, "Are you still there?"
Patrick said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
Patrick said, "No!"
He said, "What's your name, pal?"
Patrick said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"19 Farefield View. It's a yellow house and my black Audi is parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Dickhead!" And he hung up.
Then he called Dickhead #2. He answered, "Hello."
Patrick said, "Hello, dickhead!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, dickhead!"
And he hung up. Then, he picked up the phone and called the police. He told them he was at 19 Farefield View and that he was going to kill his gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 4 news about the gang war going down on Farefield View. After that he climbed into his car and headed over to Farefield View to watch the whole thing. Glorious!
Patrick smiled contentedly to himself as he watched two dickheads kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter. He also taped it off the evening news!
How satisfying would that be?
‘Til next time, folks…
How times change. I mean really, how they bloody change!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways
Yawn, yawn, yawn!
And I can remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to be like that. No way at all! I’d never drone on and on about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
Youth of today, hear this: You've got it so damn easy! I mean, compared to my childhood (which, don’t get me wrong, was a very pleasant one), you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it (and indeed sound like the adults of my childhood), but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, where do I even begin? When I was a kid we didn't have computers. The Internet was completely undreamt of. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue! We had to get up off our arses and physically walk down to a huge building which contained books which (hopefully) had the information we needed. Compared to today’s methods of digging out information and carrying out research, this was one hell of a chore. Time-consuming and tiring! These days, click a few buttons, type in a search category, and off you go. Easy!
There was no email as well! Can you even imagine that? No email! If we wanted to get in touch with somebody, we had to actually write a letter! Using a pen! The mind boggles. Then you had to walk all the way to the bottom of the street and put it in the letterbox. And then it would take like a week to get there!
SMS as well. Text messaging! That was a thing of science fiction! We could never have dreamed that within our lifetimes, over half the citizens on the face of the earth would be carrying these compact little boxes in our pockets on which you could type little messages which would then appear almost instantly on the intended recipient’s compact little box.
Nor could we ever imagine that these compact little boxes could also be used as telephones! Telephones were things in your house that had to be connected to the wall! We could never of dreamed of holding conversations with absent friends while walking down the street or riding on a bus!
There were no such things as MP3's or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! That would usually end up with being chased by a burly security guard or two. Kids these days have music-theft far too easy! A few clicks and it’s done. No wonder there are so many obese youngsters about today! Not enough running away through shear fear of your parents finding out you’d stolen a record. (Yes, a record- tchoh! You don’t even remember those, do you?)
It was either a trip into town and physically pinching music from the record store, or you had to wait around all day to try to tape it off the radio. Remember doing that on the chart countdown on Radio One on a Sunday afternoon? And then the bloody DJ would usually talk all over the beginning of the track and mess it all up for you! Life was tough!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they just got an engaged tone, that's it! They’d have to just wait until later and try again! Unbelievable! But today, a polite-sounding female robot answers the phone for them, explains that the person you are trying to reach is on another call and has been notified that you’re waiting. My God! Honestly, kids today don’t know they’re born!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, your boss, your friend, your drug dealer, a collections agent - You just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances!
We didn't have any fancy Sony PlayStation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari Home Entertainment Centre! With games Like 'Space Invaders', ‘Frogger’, ‘Tennis’ and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was nothing but a little square buzzing around the screen! You actually had to use your Imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens; no rewards for progressing further in the game. It was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE, kids. Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! It didn’t just all appear in front of you at the touch of a button! And you were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get actually get up off your chair, and walk over to the TV to change the channel! Can you even comprehend what it was like to actually have to do that?
And there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on a Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up we had to use the oven! Imagine that! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
Whether you like them or not, everyone knows that advertising works. Until the advent of the wonderful Sky+, programmes were constantly being interrupted by various sponsors trying to sell us their wares or services. Now, by delaying the start time of any programme I’ll be watching on any commercial station, I can whiz through all the ads on Sky+, enhancing my viewing pleasure greatly.
Because, you see, TV adverts are, in the main, annoying. They are rarely interesting, genuinely funny or clever, but apparently they work. Still, I don’t miss them at all!
I am aware however that I am missing out on some great ads. Yes, there are some out there. Truly humorous and clever adverts are in existence, which thanks to Sky+, I will probably never see.
The only thing I watch ‘live’ these days is sport, so the only ads I catch are those during live sports broadcasts. And even then I take the opportunity to visit the porcelain or get another beer from the fridge, so I still miss most of them anyway.
The problem with whizzing past the ads is, as I’ve already said, the possibility of missing out on a rare funny or clever commercial. Also, there may be some great TV programmes being advertised which I may be missing out on as well. But it’s all worth it, to me, so I don’t have to sit through the mind-bogglingly dull ads which are normally pumped into our home.
But, we still have had some great ads in the past, we have to admit. Look at the great slogans from days of yore- ‘Guinness Is Good For You’ is a timeless classic, for instance. ‘Gillette- The Best A Man Can Get’ is another. And some ads were fantastic too. I wonder how many of my British readers will recall the ‘Um Bongo’ advert? Everybody now- “Way down deep in the middle of the Congo, a Hippo took an apricot, a guava and a mango, he put it with the others and he danced a dainty tango, the Rhino said, ‘I know- we’ll call it UM BONGO!’” Classic!
Or how about the old Kia Ora advert? “It’s too orangey for crows- it’s just for me and my dog!” “I’ll be your dog!” Etc.
Non-British readers who may not have heard of these really should get onto YouTube and have a look. Kia Ora and Um Bongo. You’re in for a treat. Oh and have a look for the Smash Martians while you’re there- “They peel them with their steely knives- ha! Ha! Ha!” Brilliant. I can feel a YouTube session coming on.
But the real gist of my commentary this week is not about nostalgic trips down Commercial Lane, but to tell you about what happens when advertising doesn’t actually work in the way it was intended. And the problems usually arise when the product name or it’s promotional slogan are translated into another language. Particularly pertinent examples of this are when advertisements devised in the United States are translated into Spanish for the South American market.
Quite a famous example of this is when the United States version of Vauxhall (that being General Motors) tried to market their new model, the Nova in Central and South America. You see, "no va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go!" Not great for the automobile market.
The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read, "Are you lactating?"
Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea". And if you drink too much of it, there’s every chance that you probably will!
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign, "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux". I’m sure I can remember this slogan being used in the UK before the Americanism ‘sucks’ was actually in use over here. Correct me if I’m wrong.
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron with a name that translated into "manure."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called "Cue", the name of a notorious porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth".
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
So remember people, when you’re trying to sell things to non-English speakers, it might be best to get your translations verified before going global.
‘Til next time folks…
Americans eh? Loathe ‘em or hate ‘em, we just can’t seem to ignore them!
I joke of course. Regular readers of the site will know that I have developed a particular kinship with America. The USA is very close to my heart (an unusual case for most non-Americans, I’m sure you’ll agree). But there it is. I have the greatest of respect for the US, and have developed some good friendships with American readers of this site, who drop me an email every now and then.
But it has to be said, that although I respect the country immensely (that’s the country- not it’s politicians!) it is often heart-warming to have a damn good laugh at their expense. Why? I’m not sure. Perhaps it makes us who live on this little island we call Britain to feel a little embiggened when we can feel that little bit superior to our gigantic, powerful neighbours across the pond.
Britain is addled with flaws. I’m the first to admit that. Indeed, a quick scroll down this very page will tell you how disappointed and ashamed I am with my country of origin in the present world climate. And our friends and allies, the USA, are also misfiring a lot at present. And it’s a sad situation. But let us be positive. It can’t go on like this forever. There must be a light at the end of the tunnel! Surely!
But, in my article today, I’m not going to dwell on the seriousness of the situation. No- I’m going to have a friendly laugh at Americans. Let’s do it!
A viral email caught my eye recently and gave me a good belly laugh. It’s about National Parks in good ol’ Uncle US of Stateside. The introduction to the email goes along the lines that visitors to the American National Parks are on occasions asked to fill in questionnaires about their visit, and perhaps make some suggestions as to how the parks good be improved.
The suggestions and comments are then put together and compiled by the National Forest Service, who in turn tries to improve the parks for future visitors.
And of course, some of these comments and suggestions are absolutely hilarious. Some mind-boggling. And some are just totally unbelievable. Here is my pick of the funniest:
"Need more signs to keep the park pristine."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill areas of the hiking trails."
"More families would enjoy the parks and city children could learn more about nature if the Parks Department would provide services that include arcades, water slides and child care."
"A big hotel with a golf course and even a convention center would attract more people to this natural beauty."
"Instead of a permit system or fees, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to the wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"We found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Many trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building ones that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spider webs. Please spray wilderness areas to rid them of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to the wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"It would be nice to have the Kodak scenic markers so we could identify the photographic sites."
"I like all the trees but you need to plant some flowers. Flower gardens would be so pretty in the forest."
"The giant trees are spectacular but there are too many of the same kind; you should plant different types, for variety."
"Reflectors need to be placed on the trees every 50 feet so people could hike at night with flashlights."
"You should have a petting zoo here so that the children could touch the squirrels, deer and bears."
"I was stung by a bee; you should have warning signs."
"A McDonald's would be a nice sight at the trailhead."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks on the mountains."
"A deer came into my camp and stole my bag of chips. Is there away I can get reimbursed: Please call . . . . ."
Good stuff, eh? Hope you enjoyed it.
Well, vast and faithful army of readers- it’s been quite a while since you heard anything from me, and it’s been an eventful few weeks, I can tell you. So here is a brief rundown of what I’ve been up to, if you’re at all interested.
On Sunday 24th August, I went to see my favourite band, R.E.M. play live at the Lancashire CCC Ground at Old Trafford in Manchester. Now, LTRs (that’s – Long Time Readers) will probably be aware that I am a little bit of an obsessive when it comes to this incredible band. To be blunt, I think they’re absolutely amazing, and they’re latest album, Accelerate is well worth a tenner of anybody’s money, so go out and buy it- you’re in for a treat. And witnessing the boys live is one hell of an experience! And I should know- I’ve witnessed them live on fourteen previous occasions, and they just seem to get better and better. Fine wines, and all that.
R.E.M. nerds might be interested to know a little about the set list, so I’m going to share my highlights from it, simply because I can’t help writing about what a special show it was to attend. There were, of course, numerous tracks from the new album, such as Man-Sized Wreath, Supernatural Superserious, Living Well Is The Best Revenge, Mr Richards and Hollow Man, interspersed with such live staples as Man On The Moon, Losing My Religion, It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) and The Great Beyond. Into the mix, throw Orange Crush, So Fast, So Numb, The One I Love and Drive, and then top it all off with rare performances of a couple of tracks from their second album Reckoning (released oh-so-many years ago, now), Seven Chinese Brothers and Pretty Persuasion. Mix this all together and what do you get? Answer- one hell of a night out! I love this band. They are great. Buy their new album. And stop dissing Around The Sun!
The Saturday after the concert, (30th August), I got married. Yes- me! I’m a grown up husband now to my wife, who is now called Rachel Morris! Rachel did me the honour of becoming my wife on a day when she looked absolutely beautiful! The whole day went perfectly from start to finish, and even I managed to look smart for the occasion. The bridesmaids were beautiful, the ushers looked smart, and my son Ethan was ring-bearer and did an absolutely wonderful job! I ought to mention the venue (as an atheist, church wasn’t really an option for us), but Cedar Court Hotel in Wakefield did us wonderfully proud. They ensured the day went swimmingly for both Rachel and myself, and of course the guests (many of whom stayed the night and joined us the following morning for breakfast!) The food at the reception was incredible, and the speech, which I was so nervous about delivering, seemed to flow almost as well as the beer was! I reduced a few of the girls there to tears with my words of love and gratitude to my new wife and both sets of parents. Ah, a tug on the old heartstrings never did anybody any harm.
In the evening, we had the traditional ‘night-do’, which was a great laugh, and we welcomed yet more friends and family members who joined us to celebrate our first-footings into wedlock. It was all still held at the same hotel (see- convenience and thriftiness) and, as well as the standard DJ, we also had a little surprise in store for our guests, which I really feel the need to mention.
Chelsea Radford is a fifteen-year-old girl from the same village as I grew up. Now, I want you all to remember that name, because it’s my honest opinion that it’s a name you’ll be hearing much more of in the future, because (and you can mark my words here), this girl is destined for stardom. You would not believe your ears if you heard her singing voice- it is totally sublime.
Rachel and myself are sure that, a few years from now, when the people who were guests at our wedding are sat at home watching her on the TV, or reading about her headlining in Las Vegas, they’ll remember seeing her sing live as a youngster at our wedding.
It’s truly difficult to believe that this young entertainer is just fifteen years old! She has recently won the Teen Idol 2008 talent competition, so she really is big news. In fact, at the age of twelve, she was whisked away to the USA to record 2 songs in a huge studio in Nashville, Tennessee. These songs are now being played in 17 different countries. She’s a star in the making, and we were very pleased to have her here with us that night. Miss Chelsea Radford. I’d like to thank her for yet another flawless performance, and making our evening even more special. Remember, dear readers, where you heard her name first!
Also. I’d like to thank all Whistler readers who sent me emails of congratulations and words of wisdom. Oh, and those of you who came up with suggestions for content for my speech- thanks to you as well. Every single note was read (and I think responded to- if I missed you, it’s an oversight and I’m sorry- drop me a reminder and I’ll get back to you.)
And I’d like to apologise to anyone who I offended that evening too. I was drunk.
I don’t have any of the official pictures from the day as yet, as the photographer is still touching them up or Photoshopping them, or whatever, but when I do get them, and if they’re to my liking, I’ll try and post some here on the site. If you can’t wait for that, however, and would like to see an ‘unofficial’ snap or two of the bride and her incredibly handsome groom, then drop me a line at whistlermail@yahoo.co.uk and I’ll do my level best to get email some out to you. There are some mighty fine amateur snaps, I can tell you, even if I do say so myself!
We spent the following day in a kind of indescribable, bizarre haze, as the events of the previous twenty-four hours settled in our minds, like a silent shroud of snow. God knows where that metaphor came from! In other words, as the alcohol slowly fizzled out of our systems, the intensity of what we had just done hit home, and we spent the day trying to weigh it all up and recall memories from the previous day. No mean feat at all, I can tell you.
We were in bed at 7 o’clock on that Sunday evening, as we had a very early start the following day. That is, we were up at 2am so we could go on our honeymoon!
And what a holiday it was! We flew from Manchester Airport at 7.30am on Monday morning, and four hours later (after a wonderfully uneventful flight) we were at Las Palmas airport on the sun kissed island of Gran Canaria. We stayed in a resort called Maspalomas, which is absolutely beautiful. I’m not really one for rowdy nightlife and such, so this quiet, peaceful resort was just the place for us. Stunning views, fantastic weather, great beer, food and service all made for a wonderful holiday.
I’d like to drop a few place names here if I may, because they certainly warrant a mention and if you’re ever in that neck of the woods, they come with a Whistler recommendation.
Firstly, the apartments we stayed in were absolutely fabulous. Clean, attractive to look at, with a great bar and restaurant at the poolside serving ice cold pints of Tropical beer (a local brew) repeatedly to our table, I haven’t a single complaint about the place. The complex was called Vista Flor, and the memories of it will stay in my mind forever.
Also, just above our apartment complex, perched on a cliff top was a bar which commanded superb views of Maspalomas, including the huge dunes by the crystal-blue sea, the golf courses, the palm-tree lined boulevards, and beautiful, traditional looking buildings. They served a Spanish beer called Mahau. It was VERY nice, but a tad on the expensive side in there. Probably paying for the fantastic panoramic view, as well as the beer.
The San Miguels went down rather well, too- served in the pre chilled glasses. The Faro 2 Shopping Centre was a good place for, erm, shopping, but not only that, the eateries and bars were very nice too. I really need to mention a steakhouse which we discovered in this very shopping centre, which was our main supplier of evening meals throughout our stay. It was called ‘Toro II’ and the service, prices and food was fantastic. We dined off of three courses here regularly, and thoroughly enjoyed it. In fact, I can truly say that I actually miss the place! We took a number of photos of ourselves in and around this establishment because it was just an amazing place. If you get the chance, go there!
Anyways, that’s my news. I’m now back home, back at work and back into the every day normal routines I’ve become used to. Except now, I have a ring on my finger! And of course, The Whistler is also back to normal.
Good day to you, dear readers and welcome to the EIGHTH great email inbox clearout- the occasional regular article where I take the opportunity to clearout my email inbox of some of the feeble jokes that seem to do the rounds. I hope you enjoy them…
***
Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum, and one named No Cum. No Cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No Cum Tu. For velly oblious reason No Cum and No Cum Tu not have any childlen.
One day, No Cum went out of town on business and I Cum came over and spent the night with No Cum Tu. That night I Cum came and No Cum Tu came, too. This make both velly happy.
However, about 7 or 8 months later, No Cum see he about to become father but he not know how come, so when baby come he named it How Cum U Cum.Of course, I Cum and No Cum Tu know How Cum U Cum came, but to this day No Cum not know how How Cum U Cum came!
***
A young couple was making passionate love in a van which was complete with shag carpets and a double mattress.
Suddenly, the kinky girl yelled out, "Oh, big boy, whip me, whip me!" The man didn't want to pass up this unique opportunity. So, in a flash of inspiration, he ran outside and snapped the aerial from the hood of the van. He then proceeded to whip her until they both collapsed in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by the kinky sex were beginning to fester, so she went to the doctor.
The doctor took one look at her wounds and said, "I don't suppose you got these marks while having kinky sex."
The embarrassed girl admitted, "Yes, sir, they are."
The doctor nodded and remarked, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring I've never seen such a bad case of van aerial disease."
***
There was a poem contest between the Yale graduate and a Redneck. They had to quickly think up a poem based on the same word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. Then the redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:Me and Tim a huntin wentMet three whores in a pop up tentThey was three, and we was twoSo I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
***
Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.
The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says.
"Okay." They all agree.
The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.
Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth.
The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis."
"What kind of game is that, Enis?" says the mother.
"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"
The Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."
***
Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
***
Pun Crazy!
Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?A. They take the psycho path. Q. How do you get holy water?A. Boil the hell out of it. Q. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?A. "Dam!" Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?A. Polaroids. Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?A. Cell phones. Q. What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?A. National Dyslexics Association. Q. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?A. Nacho Cheese. Q. What do you call Santa's helpers?A. Subordinate Clauses. Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?A. Spoiled milk. Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?A. Frostbite. Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?A. A nervous wreck. Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?A. Anyone can roast beef.
***
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildoes, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"
***
The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"
One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!"
To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.
About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.
As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.
As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend.
"You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off."
And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."
"No," his friend replied, "This is good!"
"What do you mean, 'This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"
"If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you!"
***
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
***
The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded and said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up!"
***And there you have it folks. Right, I’m off to get married and go on honeymoon, so The Whistler will be taking a short break, but we’ll be returning on 15th September. Look forward to seeing you then.‘Til next time folks, -Craig (bachelor- for now…)Just to say first that the word ‘God’ is used in the text below only because it is an easy way to express a higher deity or whatever.
“Creationists don't mind being beaten in an argument. What matters is that we give them recognition by bothering to argue with them in public." – Professor Richard Dawkins
Regular readers of this website will probably be more than aware that I am an atheist. A non-believer. I do not believe in any God, higher power or wisdom, nor do I believe that we and the world on which we live were created by some supernatural being. Which is why I am writing this commentary in response to Carol’s article on The Whistler Woman last week.
Carol mentioned that she spends a lot of time wondering about Atheism, what it actually means and why people choose to be Atheist. She says she finds it difficult to think that atheists do not believe in anything spiritual, or a God.
So I have to ask: why? Why do you find this difficult to believe?
You say you find it quite easy to believe in some huge invisible being which made us all and watches us all and protects us all, but you have problems believing that some people don’t? How very strange! I think I know which is easier to believe.
Carol says that trusting science to find all the answers to life’s questions such as why we are here and how the entire universe came into being is foolish. More foolish than ancient stories made up to frighten the population into living a life deemed appropriate by the powers that be?
Because, let’s be honest, that’s what religion is. A collection of stories telling people how to live their lives. And should we choose not to live in this particular way, then most religions tell us that we will spend eternity in hell. There’s the threat, and the punishment for not towing the line.
And a couple of millennia ago, the uneducated masses believed all this. But I like to think that people these days have a little more about them than that. Why, even some Christians are starting to come round to the way of thinking that the Bible is merely a collection of fairy tales designed with the intention of instigating morals into people.
Carol claims to have questioned some atheists- she says she wants to understand how and why they arrive at the point in not believing in anything other than this is it, and nothing else. Well Carol, it’s not really the atheists you should be questionning. It is blatently obvious why they choose not to believe in anything: the total and undeniable lack of proof that anything like a God actually exists.
No, you should be directing such questions to orthodox and fundamental followers of religion who, in spite of this lack of evidence to the contrary, live out their lives according to these ancient works of fiction. These are the ones that need questioning.
Here is a quote from the article on Whistler Woman last week:
“Some atheists categorically say that there is absolutely no God or creator, nor life after death and that we are just here by a flook or accident and that when we die it is forever.”
No, no. ALL true atheists deny there is a God. That is what Atheism means= No God.
She goes on to say:
“The general meaning of an Atheist is someone who does not believe in the existence of God or anything that is superior to nature, and they trust science will in time find the answers to such questions, but until then they choose to not believe in a God. “
And the point is? The simple fact of the matter is that I, as an atheist, refuse to believe in this kind of thing until someone can present me with some kind of evidence. And what I want to know is, the people who wrote the original scriptures, books such as Genesis, well, what evidence were they drawing on? How did they know that a God created the world? What proof did they have? Or did they simply just make it all up, by way of trying to explain how the universe came into being?
The answer is, of course, that they made it all up. But Carol seems to have some difficulty in understanding why I believe this to be the case.
And here’s a proper load of rubbish that she spouted:
“To know God you would not have to know everything because God is the deity that knows everything, not you, the only thing you would have to know is that you know him personally or that you have some evidence of his existence, of course this could be taken to be something that is provable or something that is a kind of ‘knowing’ within ones heart, something immeasurable. But to deny Gods existence you would have to know everything. And does anyone know everything? of course not.”
What are you trying to tell me here, Carol? That because I don’t know absolutely everything then I cannot deny that God exists? Hmmm, seems like someone is grasping at straws here.
That’s like saying “I’ve invented a teleporting machine. At the touch of a button I can disappear from here and instantly reappear on the moon. But I’m not going to show you the machine or give you any evidence that it exists- you’re just going to have to take my word for it. And you’re not allowed to question this because, well, unless you know absolutely everything about everything, then you have no right to!” Ridiculous, eh?
Here’s a good quote from Carol:
“So what do Atheists believe? If they tend to think deeper then maybe they turn to the Naturalist view...”
Yes, if we ‘tend to think deeper’. Typically arrogant view that atheists are shallow-minded non-intellects who only have ourselves to blame for our failings, because we simply aren’t intelligent enough to believe in God. Well Carol, perhaps if you ‘tended to think deeper’, then you might see what a lot of rubbish you and your ilk are trying to put forward.
Carol then put forward the old ‘chances are so miniscule’ theory...
‘In the last 30 years scientists have attempted to calculate the odds that a free living celled organism might result by chance combining all the pre-existing building blocks, ... the odds are likened to a hurricane sweeping through a junk yard and assembling just by chance a 747 aircraft from the contents! So in my mind if we are here just by chance then that in itself is a mind-blowing thought. And to have the consciousness and thought to ponder about that is in itself something not to be taken for granted. This is why I struggle with the staunch atheist, why stop all thought about the wonder of why we are here and too what makes man think that with his feeble limited knowledge on this little speck of a planet where we treat other fellow humans with disrespect, dishonour, prejudice, war, torture, hunger child abuse ect ect and yet think we have the knowledge to prove the non existence of a higher deity!? It all seems a little pompous.’
Pompous? What exactly is pompous about it? Surely the pompous bit is using this interesting piece of information to assume that some kind of God is responsible. It’s pompous and blinkered to say there might only be one possible answer- it must be God. Bull! It could be a totally freakish incident couldn’t it? That’s what makes this planet of our so different from all the others. Everything about it is just right! Doesn’t mean a magic (yet conveniently invisible, illusive and painstakingly shy) man in the sky put it all together, now does it?
Here’s another good one:
‘There are some scientists who embrace this idea and almost know that there is something magical, mystical, or embrace the fact that there may well be a higher deity rather than discounting it completely. These are the open minded scientists.’
Yes, you read that right. All the groundbreaking and inventive scientists who are atheists don’t have open-minds, according to Carol.
So, the blinkered, Bible-bashing, God-bothering ones, who refuse to doubt the existance of a higher-being are the opened-minded ones, and the others who dare to question these beliefs and ask more questions about where we came from are close-minded. Are you positive you’ve got that the right way round, Carol?
More from Carol’s article below. Please try and stifle your disbelief...
‘What annoys me is when you get intelligent scientists/professors who deny the existence of God and anything spiritual or paranormal but instead give themselves the privilege to find the answers to the big questions about life and why we are here, how we came to be, and is there a God.’
So, a scientist who is questioning where we came from and trying to establish why and how we are here annoys you, Carol? Perhaps he shouldn’t bother then? Hey, Mister Scientist- stop searching for the answers to these apparently pointless questions and sit back and read a Bible. Why not? All the answers are in there anyway aren’t they? Oh, except the bit about dinosaurs- you see, there’s no mention of them in there!
Well Carol, what annoys me is when seemingly intelligent people dennounce others for being experimental and inquisitive, rather than following some dogmatic mantra from two thousand years ago.
Carol then went on to disparage Professor Richard Dawkins, a man who I happen to find fascinating. His works such as The Blind Watchmaker and The Selfish Gene have provoked much discussion and debate, and I have found myself massively interested in his theories.
Carol seemed to be interested in his recent disregard of nandy pandy new age stuff and religion. She claims he has disregarded thousands of years of humans spiritual beliefs as if he can wipe it all away with the opinion that science can prove everything. No Carol, he doesn’t. The fact is that as a scientist, his job is to look for plausible explanations and develop theories based on experimentation and the gathering of evidence. It is YOU Carol, trying to disregard the entire purposes of science and saying it is wrong for trying to find answers, when your ‘religion’ provides them all for you.
The fact of the matter is that science IS the only way to find the answers to the big questions. Because science relies on FACT, then the answers have grounding and depth. Religious fairy-tales do not deliver any convincing conclusions.
‘He puts himself up as a God (not intentionally) who will in time find all the answers solely through science, and by doing so is disregarding a huge proportion of the worlds population because he believes he has the privilege to finding the answers insinuating that the rest of us are just mere mortals looking up the scientist for answers! what a load of tosh and how pretentious of him!’
Surely even you do not believe this, Carol. Just because he is curious and looking for proof and evidential answers to the questions religion has so often failed to provide us with convincingly, you denounce him as pretentious! Just because science is in the process of trying to provide far more convincing evidence than religion ever has, you denounce his work as though he is trying to be some kind of god himself. And you say HE doesn’t have an open-mind? Unbelievable.
Here’s a particularly uninformed exerpt from Carol’s argument last week:
“Ah yes! I hear the atheists say, all the troubles in the world are caused by religion. Religion has for thousands of years caused separation and divide, wars and unspeakable events, so lets form another group and separate ourselves off from these religious groups and call ourselves Atheists since it is clear that all the people that have gone before who followed a religion has not taught us anything, we are the intelligent beings who will find the answers through science alone. And too, if there is a God then why does he allow such terrible suffering in the world? Well we only have ourselves to blame for that, there is an equal and opposite for everything, good/bad ugly/beautiful light/dark it is our choice. Much to learn here in finding the big answers. Atheism is just a new religion based not on hard facts at all, how ironic!”
Carol. Atheists have not ‘separated’ and formed another group, where they suddenly decided not to believe in any God as religion has failed on so many levels. Atheists simply do not believe that a God exists for a huge variety of reasons (and I believe that lack of evidence or even believability contributes more to this than the numerous wars fought in the name of some God or other). And how can you say Atheism is based ‘not on hard facts’? There is far more practical evidence that God does NOT exist than evidence that He does. The fact that no one can prove His existance, for a start!
‘The only way to find answers is to be open minded about EVERYTHING, if you discount one thing completely before you even know the answer to it then how in the world are you going to find the answers to the big questions about life, the universe and why we are here?’
True enough, Carol- but don’t be so eager to discount Atheism. You arch-nemesis Science seems to indicate that we non-believers could well be the ones who are correct.
-Craig
Now here is a strange confession,
The first time you’ve heard this from me,
I hope I won’t feel like this for long,
Because I prefer to feel differently.
Now, I know it’s not like me to say this,
As every kid seems to be armed with a knife,
But I’m truly ashamed to be British,
For the very first time in my life.
You see we no longer have an identity,
We can’t wave our flags with pride,
We’ve no freedom of speech any longer,
Is this why my ancestors died?
Our leaders only have their own interests at heart,
As long as they’re okay, sod the rest!
Many homes paid for them by the taxpayer,
While us citizens, we struggle at best.
Fuel prices are getting higher and higher,
So the price of everything else starts to soar,
And while we struggle to make ends meet,
We’re spending millions on some pointless war.
So a recession is threatening the country,
And every time ones heart beats,
Someone is killed, attacked or made homeless,
Or a child is stabbed to death on our streets.
And our schools cannot teach our own past,
In case some minority group we offend,
British schools can’t teach British history!
Tell me when will this madness end?
The people who were once a proud nation,
Now in the streets fight, all riddled with booze,
And all I hear are predictions of hard times,
Every time I turn on the news.
We really should be proud and happy,
That foreign people want to join our great nation,
But there must be control, because our island’s so small,
We can’t cope with unlimited immigration.
We used to cry “Rule Britannia!”
Praise our “Land of Hope & Glory!”
We used to have something to be proud about,
But now everything’s a different story.
People are poorer than we’ve been for years,
Mr Brown, can’t you see what you’re doin’?
You’re bringing us down, treating us with contempt.
You’re bringing this country to ruin!
It used to be great being British,
The pride of the world! Then we broke.
And now we’re a shambles, a terrible mess,
Now we’re sniggered at like some dirty joke.
There are not enough people who know right from wrong,
There are not enough police walking beats,
You can report a mugging; your call will be ignored,
You see, the scumbags are ruling the streets.
Mr Brown, do you recall what your predecessor said?
And he repeated it time after time,
He said he’d get tough on the criminals, you see,
And tough on the causes of crime.
Yet, the country’s a shambles; the place is a mess,
It’s not safe to go out on a night,
And there are sixteen-year-old kids leaving school,
Who don’t know how to read or write.
They tell us the environment’s in danger,
And we all should be more green,
But their solution’s to just tax us further,
It’s all part of their moneymaking machine.
There are girls getting pregnant and girls giving birth,
Mere children, and they really think it’s cool,
To be sleeping with boys rather then playing with toys,
Then leaving toddlers in a crèche at their school.
You can get away with assaulting someone,
You can beat someone up with a club,
You can even rob a house (if it’s your first offence),
But don’t you dare try and smoke in the pub!
We’re worse off now than we have been for years,
We’ve all got less money to spend,
Yet the taxes and bills keep on rising,
Please tell me, when will it end?
So now you’ve heard my confession,
The first time you’ve heard it from me,
I hope my feelings won’t stay like this for long,
Because I prefer to feel differently.
No, it’s just not like me to say this,
But I told you anyway, in rhyme,
That I’m truly ashamed to be British,
And disappointed for the very first time.It’s not often I use the pages of this website to vent my spleen on one of the subjects close to my heart, as I’m aware it alienates in many ways a lot of my American readership. But there is a story which is unfolding at the moment which, as a football fan, and a supporter of the club in question, I feel the need to write about here on The Whistler.
By football, I mean of course, soccer (as the Americans call it to differentiate from their own game which we in England call American Football).
It may alienate a number of female readers as well, but I’m hoping that, as my gist becomes apparent, you’ll be able to follow what I’m trying to say. I hope it makes sense to everyone.
If you ARE a fan of football, particularly of the Premier League, then there is a likelihood that you may take issue with what I’m about to talk about. I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject, no matter what.
Some of you may not know about this particular interest of mine, as I rarely write about it here, as I have said, but I am a huge fan of Manchester United Football Club. And the season which ended just a few weeks ago was a wonderful one for every United fan in the world. A double-whammy of the Premier League and the European Champions League has seen our silverware cabinet swell even further. It’s been a twisting, thrilling, roller-coaster ride of a season. Thrilling games, a shaky start, Arsenal’s mid-season dominance, and Chelsea gaining ground at an alarming rate towards the end of the season, pushing us right down to the wire in The Premier League, and meeting with us in the final of the Champions League in Moscow. Fortunately (and some might say even luckily) for United fans- we won both in the end.
And it’s been a sterling season for a number of players in the squad as well. New signings Anderson and Nani have impressed, and shown signs that, given a little more experience and maturity, they will quite probably be fantastic, household-name players in a season or two. And although a seasoned pro, Carlos Tevez has slotted into the side wonderfully, showing an almost psychic understanding of attacking technique with his strike-partner, Wayne Rooney.
The defence has been phenomenal as well (leaking fewer goals than any other side in the Premier League). Rio Ferdinand, Nemanja Vidic and Patrice Evra worthy of particular praise, standing strong in front of an equally impressive Edwin Van Der Saar in the goal. And what an important season for old-timer Ryan Giggs, breaking Sir Bobby Charlton’s appearance record for the club, and scoring what would turn out to be the winning penalty in the Champions League Final.
But the big story of the close-season is proving to be the one regarding the future of the true United superstar of the last twelve (maybe even twenty-four) months- Cristiano Ronaldo.
Ronaldo has been superb over the last season, dazzling defenders with his pace and nifty footwork, and scoring more goals this season than any other Premier League player (not a bad accomplishment- particularly when you consider the fact that he isn’t even an all-out striker, but a more natural midfield player). The Portuguese international was brought to Old Trafford from Sporting Lisbon to replace the departed David Beckham, who had moved to Spanish giants Real Madrid.
At first, certain question marks were placed over Ronaldo and his style of play. It wasn’t doubted that his footwork skills were impeccable, but he appeared greedy at times, and failed to complete passes. But, after a season under the wing of manager Sir Alex Ferguson, Ronaldo ironed out these faults with his game, and developed into a much more complete player. In fact, it has been said that he’s the best in the world right now.
Which is where in the story, Real Madrid make their entry.
After the 2006 World Ronaldo was public enemy number one here in this country. He was playing for his national side Portugal against England in the quarter finals of the competition, when he was very vocal towards the referee regarding an incident involving his Manchester United colleague, Wayne Rooney. As Rooney was shown the red card and given his marching orders, Ronaldo was spotted by TV cameras aiming a crafty wink towards his bench. It seemed as though Ronaldo’s involvement in aggravating Rooney’s famous temper was a manufactured tactic which had come into fruition.
And the Spanish giant Real Madrid were watching from the sidelines, hoping to get Ronaldo’s signature should he find life playing domestic football back in England too testing, now that the English crowds would inevitably be against him.
But Manchester United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson stepped forward, and nurtured his star man into something unbelievable. And yes, Ronaldo did (and still does to some extent) come up against more than his fair share of boo-boys from the English crowds, but he has allowed his football to do the talking, turning himself into one of the most impressive players we