"I can understand builders getting up early if they're working outside and they've got to get the job done before it gets dark, but he's working in someone's lounge. If it gets dark turn a light on"

"There was this woman who had a big head and she was fed up with it because when she was walking down the street it was so big that she couldn't hold it up" 

"I remember smashing a car window by accident and legging it into the lounge and pretending to go to sleep on the settee"

"So the doctor wanders off, comes back with a smile on his face, he says 'You're not gonna believe this; baby's just been born - two knobs. He can have one of them.'."

"Would you have gone to the trouble, is what I'm saying. With all the problems Africa's got? And they're messing about making teeth for an elephant? There's not enough food to go round so if an elephant's dead that's a bit more food left"

"I don't like 'em watching stuff. I told you. It dates back to when I did 'Little Donkey' at school. I was there to play the drums and that in 'We Three Kings', I was lovin' it, and I got a bit carried away"

"Czech Family Says They've Got A Rabbit With Three Nobs."

"Bong! 'Pierced Penis Man Off The Hook'. Bong! 'Man Changes Name To Bubbabubbabubbabubba'. Bong! 'Dwarf To Live In A Glass Box'."

"They've just counted how many fish are in the sea. They've just done a census, some fellas have gone in the sea and counted."

"I just don't get it; you pay your £20, they dance in front of you but you're not allowed to touch. To me that's like going to a resteraunt, ordering a nice big warm dinner and they put it in front of you but you can't eat it. It's going cold!"

"I used to love going to bed as a kid whereas now it's like 'Awww, am I gonna sleep tonight?' When you're a kid, I remember really loving going to bed. There was one time where I actually laughed myself to sleep, 'cos I couldn't believe my luck."

"You said you wanted to learn some science last week. So this week's it's 'A-cid I'd sort you out some science"

"We used to get through loads of cats 'cos we lived on a main road. Anyway we had this cat that was sick all the time, it kept being sick so me mam shaved it"

"This is why I never go to doctors, I don't like doctors 'cos this sort of stuff freaks me out. They can operate on your brain, they put you to sleep first, cut your brain case open and then wake you up and operate on you so you're sat there, with your brain open"

"My dad came in from work, my mum goes 'There's something wrong with Karl, I think it's serious. The doctor said he hadn't got long left'. My dad's like 'What?! He said that and then left!?' "

"Conjoined twins I was thinking, if one got into crime and was sent to prison, what would happen? And the other thing was, what do they talk about? It's not as if you can say 'Oh, you'll never guess what I did today!'." 

"Lanzarotti They were right, yeah. It's a bit ropey. There's nowt there. If it wasn't for the volcano they had they'd be knackered. That's it basically, that's all they've got going for them."

"So they drop you off and they go 'Alright everybody, see you back here in an hour, there's loads of volcanos for you to look at and a coffee shop over there'. And you don't need an hour there, you could just say 'Keep the engine running, I'll have a look in this hole and get back on, give us five minutes...'"

"Radio 2 are doing 'Songs of Phrase'. I take one week off and they're in there..."

"She got me a little Gameboy Advance to take on holiday. So that was good, but I was like 'Hang on a minute - I know how much I spent, and I know how much these are...' I was clever though; when we got to the airport I got her to buy me an extra game for it"

"It's about this woman monkey who was born in 1834. Half monkey, half woman. It happened! It was in the Daily Mail. The Victorian Ape-Woman was her name"