~~FOR THE LOVE OF RANDOMNESS~~
Ask Band-Aid!
Ask Band-Aid, the it advice column, is alive and well in the Forum, but this page displays questions and answers from Band-Aid on one page, in an easy-to-read format. If you would like to submit a question to Band-Aid, please post it on this page in the Forum. Thank you.
Dear Band-Aid,
Hello. I have a situation that I need help with. My mother's cousin's stepbrother's grandfather's half-nephew's girfriend's great-aunt's hairdresser's dog is having puppies. The dog's name is Zulu Flutepiano Julienne-Snorkel III. I want to take a month off of work. The only problem is that my employer, Garfielda Shishkebab, won't let me!!! WHY?? Why? I ask you.
By the way, I work in a flowerpot store called "La Furzanto" in Disneylandworld. Garfielda won't let me take a month off of work because he says that February I mean August is our busiest time of year. I mean, it's not like I want to take time off for something stupid!
Over this entire year so far (January to August), I have only taken 47 days off of work. And those were absolutely necessary. I had 12 days off because I got an eyelash infection, and then 3 days off when my microwave broke, 7 days because I had to go to the grocery store, 11 days when I thought I had bellybutton cancer, 5 days because I had to do laundry, and 9 days because I had to do assorted household jobs such as fixing my ripped pants, painting my toenails, and watching a 14-hour marathon of the show "Barney". So as you see, I only take time off when it's necesary.
What can I say to Garfielda to convince him that I need this time off?
Please help me, BendAde. If you do, I love you. Will you marry me? Thank you in advance for saying yes.
Love forever and ever,
EL-AHRAIRAH SMITH-JONES.
Amen.
Dear ElAhrairah SmithJones,
Tell your boss that the limit for days off is 50 days and if he says "i never heard of that before" then tell him that Band-Aid Punch said so and if he is not an it, then just tell him that if you can't get 3 more days off, you quit and then you can have the rest of your life off.
If he is an it, (highly unlikely) then just give me that address and i will teach it a thing or two!
~BandAid
dear. band. aid.
can. you. help. me.
i. do. not. understand. the. function. of. the. little. dot.
my. college. professor. says. that. it. goes. at. the. end. of. a. sentinse. (spelling??). what. is. a. sentinse. and. did. he. tell. me. the. truth.
thank. you.
twinkle.
Dear twinkle...
Yes your professor is correct.
Notice I do not put a period, as it is normally called, at the end of each word.
Also, the word "sentinse" is actually spelled S-E-N-T-E-N-C-E.
~BandAid
deer bend ade,
ime teribly sory fer te speling uf thys mesage, butt iy amm undur ay cerse. mi brothur putt ay cerse un mi wich maks mi uneble tu spel enything corectly. cen yu thinck uf eny wey uf hleping mi?
Itt wil bi mech apreciatid.
Thenk yu.
Scrumbuls te rabbid lama.
Ok, Scrumbles,
here's what you do.
(now this is my line of work, people!)
Ok, first, go to your brother and hypnotize him. Then make him run down the street in nothing but his bathing suit in the winter. Videotape him and then when he is unhypnotized, tell him that if he doesn't take the curse off you then you will do worse things to him. If that doesn't work, post again and i will help you further.
Much Luck,
~bandAId