Howling is heard. Fester Addams is standing on the roof of the
Addams house, howling at the moon. On the ground, in the cemetery,
Wednesday, Pugsley, and their Grandmother (Morticia’s mother) are
burying a cat.
In the house, Lurch is playing the “Addams Family Theme” on the
organ. On the floor below, Gomez is hand-wrestling with Thing, while
Morticia knits. Gomez finally defeats Thing.
At the hospital, Morticia is on a gurney pushed by doctors, with
Gomez and Thing along. Thing opens the doors and crawls along the
floor ahead of them.
In another room, a very little girl is talking to Wednesday and
Pugsley, who are looking bored.
In the delivery room…
Back with Wednesday and Pugsley…
Title: Addams Family Values
A car drives up to the Addams mansion. Inside, Thing is
skateboarding around the hallways, doing various tricks. Bored with
his toy, he walks into the hallway, meeting Gomez and Morticia on
their way upstairs with the baby.
Wednesday and Pugsley are sitting on the staircase, sawing off the
railing supports.
In the baby’s room, the rest of the family has gathered.
Later that night, Lurch is outside watering the flowers. On the
roof, Wednesday is holding the baby, and Pugsley is holding a
cannonball.
Later that night, Fester is in bed, reading a book entitled
"Strange Men and the Women Who Avoid Them". He lets the book fall, slowly places
it on his table, and turns out the light.
In the basement, Wednesday reads from a scroll. Pugsley holds the
rope on the guillotine.
Outside, Gomez and Morticia sit in the cemetery.
Another day, inside the house, the new nanny is sitting
cross-legged on a chair, with braided hair, large earrings, several
necklaces, and baggy clothes. Wednesday and Pugsley sit
opposite.
Another day. The second new nanny, a large, stern-looking woman, is
sitting in the same chair.
Another day. The third new nanny, a very old-fashioned woman, is
wearing a maid-type outfit, holds a large puppet, and talks in a baby
voice.
Another day. Someone is pounding on the door. Lurch opens it to let
in a woman dressed in a low-cut white dress.
In the baby’s room.
In another room, Wednesday and Pugsley are hanging a Cabbage Patch
doll from the ceiling, wearing protective gear and approaching her
with blowtorches. As the adults enter, they turn off the torches and
raise their helmets.
Walking back into the main hallway.
Debbie lays down on her bed in her dark room.
In Fester’s room, Fester and Gomez are talking.
It is thundering and lightning. In Debbie’s room, she is watching
television and eating chocolates. A box comes on the screen reading
“America’s Most Disgusting Unsolved Crimes”.
The next morning, Pubert is crawling after something (a knife?)
left as bait by Wednesday and Pugsley. They wait above, ready to drop
a heavy piece of metal on him. Just as Pugsley drops it, Debbie comes
along and picks the baby up. A large hole is smashed in the floor.
Wednesday and Pugsley look at each other, exasperated. Debbie walks up
the main staircase, meeting Gomez and Morticia on their way
down.
In Fester’s room. Pubert lays on the floor while Debbie looks
through Fester’s desk.
In Pubert’s room, Debbie is bent over his bassinette.
Later, Debbie is speaking to Gomez and Morticia.
The family car, driven by Lurch, enters under a sign reading “Camp
Chippewa”. Inside the car, the entire family has come along for the
ride.
At the camp, boats sail on the lake.
A whistle blows.
Near the Addamses, the Glicker family is arguing.
At the Addams mansion, Debbie reads a story to baby Pubert.
In another room, Lurch holds up a dartboard as Gomez throws darts
into it. Fester comes running into the room.
At Camp Chippewa, Gary blows a whistle. He is standing on a dock,
with the children lined up on either side of him. The girls are all
wearing the same bright orange one-piece bathing suit, and the boys,
all the same bright blue shorts, except for Wednesday and Pugsley, who
are in their usual black.
In a candlelit restaurant, musicians play a tango. Gomez, Morticia,
Fester, and Debbie are sitting at a table.
Morticia and Debbie are in the ladies’ room.
Back at the table, Fester and Gomez are talking.
Clouds move across the moon at Camp Chippewa. In a tent, Amanda,
wearing orthodontic headgear, shines a flashlight onto her face as she
tells her story.
Fester and Debbie walk in the graveyard. Suddenly Debbie whirls,
leaning against a tall stone.
In the house, Gomez and Morticia gaze down at Pubert.
In the middle of the night, at camp, Wednesday, arms crossed,
sleeping, wakes up suddenly, knowing that something is wrong.
In the morning, at Camp Chippewa, Gary enters the girls’
cabin.
In the Harmony Hut, a poster of a cute baby hangs on the wall, reading
“Make my day!”.
At night, Wednesday and Pugsley, dressed in black, are about to climb
over a wire fence.
At the Addams mansion, an engagement party is in full swing.
Morticia and Debbie walk into the ballroom together.
Downstairs, the men all sing to Fester, including Cousin Itt, who
squeaks along.
At Camp Chippewa, Wednesday and Joel sit on the dock
together.
In a cabin at Camp Chippewa, Wednesday and Joel meet. It is very
dark.
At the Addams mansion, Lurch plays “Sunrise, Sunset” on the organ.
The wedding takes place in the graveyard, with everyone dressed in
black. Wednesday, the flower girl, scatters dead petals. Pugsley
follows her, carrying a cushion on which Thing, holding the ring,
rests. Lurch begins to play the Wedding March as Debbie, in white,
begins to walk up the aisle. Cousin Itt is the minister. Also at the
front are Gomez and Morticia, holding hands. Cousin Itt speaks to
Debbie and Fester in gibberish.
All the guests clap as Fester and Debbie leave for their honeymoon,
in a car with various tin cans and a dead body dragging along behind
it.
In Hawaii, in a hotel on the beach, Fester is taking a bubble
bath.
Later, Fester leaves the bathroom. He comes over to the bed, where
Debbie is watching television.
Gomez cracks an egg into a wine glass, adds vodka, and some black
liquid.
At Camp Chippewa, Amanda fires an arrow straight into the
bull’s-eye of a paper target.
At the airport, Debbie and Fester’s plane has just landed, and a
man with a hearse is waiting.
At their new house, Fester pats his new hair. He is dressed in blue
and white. Debbie screams at the movers in the background.
At the Addams mansion, Gomez reads a letter from Fester aloud.
Morticia sits up in bed.
At Camp Chippewa, Gary and Becky talk to the campers, who are
sitting on bleachers.
Behind all the campers, Wednesday, Pugsley, and Joel sit alone.
Joel is opening an envelope.
Gary and Becky finish up their speech.
At Debbie and Fester’s house, Morticia rings the doorbell. It
chimes the Wedding March. The door opens, and a maid looks out at
them.
At the 13th precinct police station, the Addamses talk to a police
officer.
At the Passport Office, Debbie talks to a clerk.
At Camp Chippewa, Becky, Gary, and most of the campers practice a
song and dance routine.
In the harmony hut, Gary and Becky give the children some nice
movies to watch.
At the Addams family mansion, Morticia’s mother is bent over
Pubert’s cradle, shrieking.
The baby lays on a brown blanket, while the family hovers over, and
the Grandmother attempts a spell, waving some sort of charm over
him.
At Camp Chippewa, the pageant is about to start.
At Debbie and Fester’s house, Debbie, wearing a black lace veil,
sobs in front of a mirror.
At Camp Chippewa, the play continues with Amanda as Sarah
Miller.
In a bar, Debbie sings along to the song “Macho, macho man,”
surrounded by men, including Jorge. She is sitting on the counter,
drinking wine and conducting with her fingers.
At Debbie and Fester’s house, Fester eats alone, looking at his
large present on the table, which is ticking. He holds up his glass to
an imaginary person.
At Camp Chippewa, Wednesday has just climbed over the fence to the
outside. In the background, fires are still burning. Joel, still in
costume, remains on the camp side of the fence.
A car, with the license plate DEBBIE-2 drives off crazily, driving on
the wrong side of the road and passing illegally, almost causing
accidents as Debbie tries to go as fast as possible.
In baby Pubert’s room, which is still all decorated in pastel, with
a light blue carpet, yellow curtains, a light blue bassinette, a
rocking horse, and pictures on the wall of squirrels, Morticia sits
with the baby on her lap (still golden-haired and rosy-cheeked) and
reads to him from ‘The Cat in the Hat’.
In Gomez and Morticia’s room, Gomez, very pale, lies in bed, hand
raised, singing.
In Pubert’s room, the baby suddenly breathes a puff of fire.
In the attic, Debbie has put the entire family, except Pubert, and
including Thing and Lurch, into the electric chairs.
In his bedroom, baby Pubert reaches up to grab a big knife from the
mobile hanging above his bassinette. He, and the room, have changed
back to normal. He begins to saw through the side of the
bassinette.
In the attic, Debbie changes the slide again to show a picture of a
bald man wearing a white coat and a stethoscope.
Meanwhile, baby Pubert has managed to cut a circular hole and climb
out through it. He drops the knife and crawls away. Suddenly, from a
table above, a large bowling ball falls to the floor and rolls down
the hallway.
In the attic, Debbie changes the slide. It now shows a balding man in
a suit, with an American flag behind him.
Pubert continues to crawl, then climbs up a banister. Nearby, the
bowling ball continues to roll down a hallway.
In the attic, Debbie changes to a slide showing Fester, on a riding
lawn mower.
Pubert slides down a stair railing, hits the banister at the end,
and flips through the air, landing on a roller skate. It rolls off.
In the attic, Debbie continues.
Pubert continues to ride the roller skate. The bowling ball reaches
the top of the stairs and begins to bounce down them. When it reaches
the bottom, it bounces through the floor, landing in a cauldron
heating over a fire.
In the attic, Debbie prepares to electrocute the family.
The bowling ball is suddenly blasted out of the cauldron. It flies
straight up through the floor, near Pubert. When the ball falls back
down, it catapults Pubert off the floorboard where he is sitting, and
Pubert flies upward, through the glass dome skylight, and up into the
sky, giggling, toward a passing airplane. Inside the airplane, the
Buckmans, Amanda and her mother and father, are sitting, looking out
the window, when suddenly they see Pubert’s face outside. Then it is
gone. Mrs. Buckman looks at her husband, then pulls the window shade
down.
In the attic, Debbie is still preparing to pull the switch.
SOME TIME LATER
Fester is holding a pile of gifts.
Later, Gomez gives a toast.
Outside, Wednesday and Joel sit in the graveyard.
The End
This script was typed as a transcript of the DVD "Addams Family
Values." It is not in any way an official script. Any mistakes are my
own. Comments and/or criticisms may be e-mailed to me here, and are very welcome.
Thanks for reading this script.
Wednesday: Come sorrow, we welcome thee. Let us join in grief,
and honor the fortunate dead.
Grandmother (with folded hands): Dearly beloved.
She bows her head. The cat in the box meows. Wednesday shakes the
box and shushes it. Grandmother dumps some dirt on the box with her
shovel, and Wednesday places a flower on top. The three cover it with
dirt.
Gomez: Good show, old man! (they shake hands)
Morticia: Gomez.
She puts down her knitting.
Gomez: Cara mia?
Morticia: Marvelous news. I’m going to have a baby. Right now.
Doctor: Nurse, how close are the contractions?
Nurse: Every 15 seconds, doctor.
Gomez: Are you in unbearable pain? Is it inhuman? My darling,
is it torture?
Morticia: Oui.
Gomez kisses her hand.
Little Girl: …and then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told
the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and left a diamond
under a leaf in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby too.
Wednesday: They had sex.
Doctor: Push, Mrs. Addams. Forceps!
Thing hands them to him. A nurse screams and flings him out of the
room, through the door into another delivery room, where he slaps
another baby’s rear end. Back with the Addamses…
Doctor: Mrs. Addams, would you like anesthesia?
He opens the forceps.
Morticia: No thank you, but do ask the children.
Gomez: Cara mia.
Morticia: Mon cher.
Doctor: Mrs. Addams, the baby…?
Gomez is kissing Morticia’s hand.
Morticia: Pardon.
Pugsley: It’s a boy.
Wednesday: It’s a girl.
Gomez bursts through the door. The entire family is in the room,
and everyone stands up to hear what he has to say.
Fester: Gomez!
Grandmother: What news?
Wednesday: Father, what is it?
Gomez: It’s an Addams!
Gomez: I’ve arranged a little surprise, my darling. I hope you
like it.
Thing scampers ahead of them and pushes the door open.
Morticia (holding the baby wrapped in black): Oh,
Gomez. It’s dark, it’s depressing, it’s desolate.
The walls have pictures on them such as a shark eating a fish and
vultures circling a sheep. A baby mobile of knives hangs over the
bassinette. Everything is black and gloomy.
Gomez: It says ‘toddler.’
Morticia: It’s a dream.
Gomez: Come, cara mia.
Morticia: The Addams cradle.
She approaches it. It is black, of course. She lays the baby down,
and we see it for the first time. It looks like Gomez, complete with
the black hair and mustache. The baby fusses, so Morticia places a
stuffed animal of a scary, growling bear in front of it. It growls,
and the baby laughs.
Gomez: Welcome home, my son.
Pugsley: That’s not true.
Wednesday: It is so. Everyone knows it. When you have a new
baby, one of the other children has to die.
Pugsley (doubtfully): Really?
Wednesday: It’s a tradition. One of us has to go.
Pugsley: Which one?
Wednesday: Well, they only need one boy.
Pugsleys looks very nervous and begins sawing faster.
Gomez: He has my father’s eyes.
Morticia: Gomez, take those out of his mouth.
Wednesday and Pugsley enter the room and stand near the door,
watching the family.
Gomez: Coochie coochie coo.
Grandmother: A baby in the house. It’s about time!
She wiggles her fingers at the baby.
Grandmother: Hey, kiddo.
She shrieks and jerks her hand back as the baby sends a blast of
flame upward. A burning arrow lodges itself in the ceiling.
Morticia (thrilled): Did you see that?
The baby coos and points at the ceiling. Wednesday, holding her
doll, pulls off its head and hands it to Pugsley.
Grandmother (happily): He’s a real devil!
Wednesday: Pugsley, the baby weighs ten pounds. The cannonball
weighs twenty pounds. Which will hit the stone walkway first?
Pugsley: I’m still on fractions.
Wednesday: Which do you think?
Pugsley: The cannonball?
Wednesday: Very good. But which one will bounce?
Pugsley: The baby?
Wednesday: There’s only one way to find out. Ready?
They count to three and drop them both. Inside, Gomez and Morticia
are talking.
Gomez: What a glorious evening.
Morticia (agreeing): Rain.
Gomez goes to look out the window, and catches the baby as he
falls. He brings him inside, and turns, looking strained.
Gomez: Cara mia!
Morticia: (turning to look) Oh, dear.
Outside, the cannonball hits Lurch in the head, who barely reacts,
only grunting slightly. Inside, a family conference is going on, with
Gomez and Morticia sitting on a couch, Morticia holding the baby, with
Wednesday and Pugsley sitting opposite them. Fester is also in the
room.
Gomez: Children, why do you hate the baby?
Pugsley: We don’t hate him. We just want to play with him.
Wednesday: Especially his head.
Pugsley nods in agreement.
Gomez: Children, do you think we love the baby more than we
love you?
Wednesday & Pugsley: Yes.
Morticia: Do you think that when a new baby arrives, one of
the other children has to die?
Wednesday & Pugsley: Yes.
Grandmother (knitting in the corner) : Well,
that’s just not true. (sighs) Not anymore.
Fester (reassuringly): It’s just sibling rivalry.
Gomez, do you remember what we were like? (walking over to him)
I hated you!
Gomez: I despised you!
Fester: I choked him until he lost consciousness and had to be
put on a respirator!
Gomez: I tied him to a tree and pulled out four of his
permanent teeth!
Fester: When he was asleep, I opened his skull, and removed
his brains!
Gomez: You did?!
Fester laughs hysterically.
Fester: A brother!
They embrace.
Gomez: Brother!
Gomez flings him into the opposite wall, then grabs up about twenty
knives conveniently lying on the table, flinging them all around
Fester, with several right next to his head. Fester laughs
hysterically through it all, although the last four are done with
Gomez’s back to him.
Fester: Children, you see?
Wednesday: Death! Death to the enemies of the republic.
Pugsley lets the rope go. The blade falls and smashes a watermelon
in half.
Wednesday: Hurrah! Justice is served. Bring forth the evil
one.
She rolls the watermelon out of the way and places it in a basket.
She begins to haul the blade up again. Pugsley wheels the baby to the
guillotine as the "Marseilleise" plays. He is dressed in a
cream-colored lacy dress. Pugsley pulls him out and holds him
up.
Wednesday: You have betrayed the people of France. You are
evil incarnate. How do you plead?
Pugsley (speaking for the baby in a squeaky voice):
Guilty!
Wednesday: Guilty, by her own admission. The sentence is
death. Executioner, place her on the block.
Pugsley nods and does so.
Wednesday: One… two…
Morticia (from upstairs): Children, what are you
doing?
Wednesday & Pugsley: Playing!
Wednesday: Three!
She lets the blade fall, but the baby catches it just in time
between his thumb and forefinger.
Wednesday: Woe to the republic.
Gomez: Look at you. Midnight, moonlight, surrounded by
death…
Morticia: It’s been too long.
They start to kiss, but are interrupted by voices.
Wednesday (in the house): Do it! Hold him
still!
A gunshot is heard, followed by breaking glass.
Wednesday: You missed!
They begin to kiss again, but are again interrupted.
Wednesday: Here, catch.
Pugsley: I don’t want him!
Breaking glass is heard once more.
Morticia: Three children, one house, so many windows.
Gomez (concerned): My darling, it’s you I’m
worried about. The stress, all this squabbling.
Morticia: Oh, I’ll be fine. I’m just like any modern woman,
trying to have it all – a loving husband, a family… It’s just I wish I
had more time… to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish
crusade… that’s all.
Gomez: You can! You shall! So it must be!
Morticia: But how?
Nanny 1: Children, as your new nanny, I know that we’re all
concerned about the environment, so this morning, let’s discuss how to
prevent forest fires.
Wednesday: Prevent them?
She strikes a match.
Nanny 2: All right, children, I’ve had it up to here. Now you
just answer one simple question. Where is that baby?
Wednesday: Which part?
Nanny 3 Hello, children. I’m Polly the Puppet! What shall we do
today? I know! Let’s all clean our rooms!
Wednesday pulls out a hand puppet of her own, a devil, and speaks
in her own voice.
Wednesday: Hello, Polly. I’ll clean my room in exchange for
your immortal soul.
She makes the devil puppet rub its hands together.
Debbie: Hello, Addams residence? Ooh, it’s old! (She is
perky and talkative. She turns to look at Lurch, who grunts.) And
big…
Morticia: Lurch.
Debbie turns to where Morticia is coming down the main
staircase.
Debbie: Hi! Hi, I’m Debbie Jellinsky from the agency!
Morticia: The agency? But they claimed no one else was
available. They suggested a Doberman.
Debbie: Surprise! I’ve been out of town. Are you the mom?
Morticia: I am Mrs. Addams.
Debbie: I love your dress! It’s so tight!
Morticia: Thank you. (seeing him) Gomez! I believe we
may have a new nanny. Miss Jellinsky.
Debbie: Deb. (shaking hands) Isn’t he a
lady-killer!
Gomez (removing the cigar from his mouth to correct
her): Acquitted.
Debbie: I can show you all my references so you know I’m not a
homicidal maniac.
Morticia: Of course you’re not.
Gomez: You’re too young.
Wednesday and Pugsley look down on them from the second floor,
Fester from the third.
Gomez: Welcome to our home. There’s a belfry, a swamp, a
dungeon down below…
Debbie: Cable?
Gomez: Of course.
Fester (whispers, lovestruck): Debbie…
Debbie: Oh, is that the little critter?
Morticia: Oh, no, this is our baby.
Debbie: He’s adorable, he’s perfect. What’s his name?
Morticia: It was agony. We went through all the books, all the
usual names…
Gomez: Lucifer…
Morticia: Benito…
Gomez: Mao…
Morticia: Then we came to our senses. Something simple,
something a child could live with.
Gomez: Pubert.
Debbie (thoughtfully): Pubert. I like it. It’s
filthy. May I?
She holds out her hands for Pubert.
Gomez: Your dress, is it flammable?
Morticia: You’ve had your shots – measles, mumps, rabies?
Debbie (nods, taking Pubert): Oh, I just love
little babies. I just want to grab them and squeeze them till there’s
not a breath left in their tiny little bodies! Hello, Pubert! I love
you.
Morticia: Children, this is Miss Jellinsky, our new nanny.
What do we say?
Wednesday: Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Debbie: Look at you – all cooped up in this house with a new
baby… that’s not easy, is it?
Pugsley: No…
Debbie: Why, I bet you sometimes wish it was still just the
two of you.
Wednesday: Or less.
She and Pugsley look at each other.
Debbie: Well, don’t you worry. Everything’s going to be just
fine.
She turns and mouths to Gomez and Morticia, “I love them.”Thing
jumps onto her shoulder.
Morticia: Thing, stop that.
Gomez: He likes you.
He laughs. Debbie kisses Thing’s fingers. Thing falls off her
shoulder backwards onto the floor. Debbie smiles.
Debbie: I’m good with my hands.
Debbie: What a wonderful family! Although there’s one fella I
haven’t met yet. (She has noticed Fester hiding behind the
railing.) Hi there, mister.
Fester gasps and ducks out of sight.
Debbie (to Gomez): Your nephew?
Gomez: My brother.
Debbie: No!
Morticia: Fester, come out here. (to Debbie) He’s very
shy. (Fester slowly emerges.) Fester, this is our new nanny,
Miss Jellinsky.
Debbie: Hello, Fester.
Fester: (makes odd grunting noises)
Debbie: These Addams men, where do you find them?
Morticia: It has to be damp.
Debbie: I can’t wait. First thing tomorrow.
Pubert falls from above straight into Gomez’s arms.
Gomez: Why not tonight?
He looks up to where Wednesday and Pugsley are standing high
above.
Morticia: Good night, Debbie.
Debbie: Good night!
Morticia: Scream if you need anything.
Fester: So we’ve hired Miss Jellinsky.
Gomez: She’s a gem, don’t you think?
Fester: She’s perfect.
Gomez: Oh, Fester, I’m such a lucky man. I hope that someday
you’ll know the indescribable joy of having children and of paying
someone else to raise them.
Fester: First, wouldn’t I have to get married?
Gomez: Oh, you’re just a boy! There’s plenty of time. You’ll
meet someone, someone very special, someone who won’t press
charges.
Fester: Oh, I’d like that.
Gomez: You rascal.
They both laugh. Gomez reaches and pulls a booklet from under the
covers.
Gomez: And what’s this?
Fester and Gomez: Mom.
Man on TV: Tonight on America’s Most Disgusting Unsolved
Crimes, we investigate the case of Ursula… Carmen… and Nadine.
(Pictures of them come on the screen.) Three very different
women with one thing in common – murder! And they’re all the same
woman. She’s know by the police as a black widow. She mates, then she
kills. She investigates wealthy men, finding the richest, loneliest
bachelors (TV shows magazines with wealthy men, including Fester
Addams, on the covers), gaining their trust and their love, and
finally she marries them. Then, on the wedding night, she kills them.
The deaths appear accidental. But after the funeral, she disappears,
cash in hand. But the money never lasts. (Debbie looks thoughtfully
at a dollar bill and change on her dresser.) Soon the black widow
is hungry again. Hungry for cash, hungry for love. A mistress of
disguise, she’s eluded the authorities for years. Who is she, and what
seemingly innocent pose will she next assume? All we can say is
“Bachelors, beware!”
Morticia: We’ll be going out for most of the morning. (She
hands Debbie a piece of paper.) All the important numbers –
police, fire department, morgue. (They continue down the
stairs.)
Gomez (turning and shouting up the stairs):
Fester, come along.
Fester walks down as far away from Debbie as possible.
Debbie: Goodbye, Fester.
Gomez: Say goodbye to Debbie.
Fester: (Returns and mumbles something nervously, then runs
out after Gomez and Morticia.)
Debbie: Have fun!
Debbie: Mm mm mm mm! Fester Addams, my, my. Stocks and bonds…
deeds… gold bullion… (She hears a squeak and looks at a suit of
armor.) Treasury bills, IRAs… (She hears another squeak and
looks up, but sees nothing.) What a strange old house. It’s so
drafty. It’s really no place for children.
Wednesday is standing against the wall, with her clothes, skin, and
hair painted to exactly match the wallpaper and paneling behind
her.
Debbie (thoughtfully): No place at all.
Debbie: Hold still, you little brat!
Wednesday: He’s not a brat.
Debbie: (Startled, whirling around.) Of course not, he’s
an adorable little baby.
Wednesday: Fine. Rub it in.
Debbie: We’re getting him all ready for a nice little walk.
Would you like to come?
Wednesday: Are you really a nanny?
Debbie: What a question!
Wednesday: Why did you come here?
Debbie: Why, to take care of you… all of you.
Wednesday: Especially my uncle?
She turns and walks slowly out.
Debbie: I shouldn’t be telling you this. They swore me to
secrecy, the little angels. But they want to go. It’s all they talked
about all morning. They’re just afraid to ask you. They’re afraid
you’ll think that they don’t love you.
Morticia (shaking hear head: The poor things.
It’s a bizarre request.
Gomez: It’s horrifying.
Debbie: They have their hearts set on it. I knew you’d want to
know, as concerned, caring parents.
Morticia: Oh, Gomez, what shall we do?
She takes his hand.
Gomez: How can we say no?
Debbie: Don’t even mention it. They’ll probably deny
everything. But they want to go, God love them.
Gomez & Morticia: (Look at each other.) Summer camp.
Morticia: ‘Camp Chippewa’. How charming.
Pugsley: What’s a chippewa?
Gomez: It’s an old Indian word.
Wednesday: It means ‘orphan’.
Gomez: Fresh air… the scent of pine.
He hands a cigar to Pugsley and lights it for him.
Morticia: Wednesday, look at all the other children… their
freckles, their bright little eyes, their eager, friendly smiles… Help
them.
A blonde girl in a flowery dress comes up to speak to them.
Amanda: Hi! I’m Amanda Buckman. Why are you dressed like
that?
Wednesday: Like what?
Amanda: Like you’re going to a funeral. Why are you dressed
like somebody died?
Wednesday: Wait.
Amanda’s parents join them.
Mr. Buckman: Hi. Don Buckman. (Shakes hands with
Gomez.)Isn’t this place something else? Very exclusive.
Gomez (Answering out of politeness, not really a
question): Really?
Mr. Buckman: Oh, yeah, a kid has to be extra special to get in
here. Gifted. Exceptional. Our Amanda here has already skipped two
grades. How about your boy?
Gomez: (slaps Pugsley on the back.) Probation!
Mrs. Buckman: We just love Chippewa. Amanda couldn’t wait, it’s
all she talked about. She’s got a whole new wardrobe. (looking at
Wednesday) And this little lady?
Morticia: Oh, Wednesday’s at that very special age when a girl
has only one thing on her mind.
Mrs. Buckman (leaning forward, knowingly:
Boys?
Wednesday: Homicide.
Gary: Attention! Hey, listen up, everybody! I’m Gary
Granger!
Becky: And I’m Becky Martin-Granger!
Gary: We’re the owners and directors here at Camp Chippewa,
America’s foremost facility for… privileged young adults!
Becky: And we’re all here to learn, to grow, and to just plain
have fun!
Gary: ’Cause that’s what being privileged is all about!
They both jump up and down and clap. Wednesday takes a sip from a
bottle marked ‘Poison’. Camper girls run to meet each other, squealing
and hugging. Boys high-five each other.
Joel: Mom, I – I don’t think I like it here.
Stella (his mother): Oh, will you stop already? Do you know how
dirty you are?
She licks a tissue and wipes his face.
Mel (his father): Stella, please leave him
alone.
Joel: I can’t breathe.
He takes out his inhaler.
Stella: He’s got a smudge right there. Oh, stop it, Joel,
please, now stand up straight.
Mel: This is why he’s sick all the time.
Stella: Oh, Mel, don’t start with me on that, please.
Mel: This is it, you did this.
As the parents argue, Wednesday and Joel stare at each
other.
Mel: This is nothing to do with allergies.
Stella: Oh, will you stop that?
Mel: You did this, you did this, you did this.
Stella (to Joel): Stand up straight.
Mel: Can you breathe? Can you breathe?
Debbie: Everyone at the ball turned and stared at Cinderella.
“Who is that beautiful woman?” everyone asked. Even Prince Charming
noticed the new arrival. “Who are you?” he asked Cinderella.
Fester has been sneaking through the doorway. He touches the door
and it creaks, making Debbie pause, but then she continues, aware that
he is listening.
Debbie: “My name is Cinderella,” she said to the Prince. “Could
you tell me, who is that man over by the punch bowl, that fascinating
man, that oddly sensual man, that man who makes me quiver under my
bodice, that bald man?”
Fester gasps and leaves the doorway at a run. Debbie smirks to
herself.
Fester: She’s driving me wild!
Gomez (throwing another dart): Who?
Fester: Debbie! Debbie. Even the sound of her name… Debbie…
Isn’t it beautiful? She makes me think of vinyl, chemicals...
Gomez: Truly, Fester, has it finally happened, at long
last?
Fester: I don’t know! I think so. All these years, I’ve watched
you and Morticia, though windows, doorways, keyholes. I’ve been so
happy for you, but I have to confess, I’ve been jealous, too. I’ve
dreamed that sometime, maybe there might be someone for me.
Gomez: There’s Thing.
Thing, the severed hand, is on a shelf or counter in the
room.
Fester: Oh, I know, I know. But I want more. Legs, elbows, a
head.
Gomez: Two legs?
Fester: Dare I ask Debbie to dinner? What if she said no? What
if she said yes? Oh, Gomez, if I asked her, would you come, you and
Morticia?
Gomez: Of course!
He flings the last dart over his shoulder, and it flies straight
into Lurch’s mouth as the two brothers leave the room. Lurch
gulps.
Gary: Lifesaving! Now I know we’re all top-notch swimmers, but
now we get to show our stuff and earn those certificates! (He jumps
up and down, clapping, as the children clap politely.) Hey, how
about our first little pair of lifesaving buddies? Amanda, Wednesday?
The two step forward.
Amanda: Is that your bathing suit?
Wednesday: Is that your overbite?
Gary: Now, one of you will be the drowning victim, and the
other one gets to be our lifesaver!
Amanda: I’ll be the victim!
Wednesday: All your life.
Amanda: I’m going to be an actress.
Gary: Brava! Now, Amanda, jump in, swim out a few yards, and
start drowning.
Amanda jumps in, and begins thrashing around.
Amanda: Help me! Help me! I’m drowning!
Gary looks at Wednesday and nods toward the water.
Amanda: Help me! I’m dying!
Amanda holds her breath and goes underwater.
Wednesday: I can’t swim.
Gary looks pained. Bubbles come up from the water where Amanda had
been.
Gomez: It’s our favorite bistro. We’ve been coming here for
years.
Morticia: Of course, it has been redone.
Debbie: Oh, it’s just lovely. Isn’t it, Fester?
Fester, with a roll in his mouth, doesn’t answer.
Gomez: Fester.
Fester says something muffled and takes the roll out of his mouth,
handing it to Debbie.
Morticia: It’s a quaint French custom, sharing half-eaten
bread.
Debbie looks at the bread in her hand.
Gomez: Fester is truly continental. He spent many years
abroad.
Morticia: He speaks twelve languages fluently.
Debbie: I could tell. You know, when I first saw him, I thought
he was from Europe.
Fester: You did?
Debbie: It’s true.
Fester: But I took a bath!
Gomez and Morticia look at each other.
Morticia: Fester’s really a wonderful man. He’s just terribly
shy.
Debbie: Really, I just can’t tell – does he like me at all?
Morticia: Of course he does. He vomited.
Debbie: That’s true. Does he always do that with women he
likes?
Morticia: Oh, no. Just you.
Debbie: Ah.
Fester: Do you think she minded?
Gomez: Of course now. She adores you.
Fester: Gah! I’m making such a mess of things. Gomez, how do
you do it? How can I be like you? How can I be suave?
Gomez: Woo her, admire her. Make her feel like she’s the most
sublime creature on earth.
Fester: Yes… that’s it?
Gomez nods as Morticia and Debbie return.
Morticia: We’re back. Noses powdered.
Gomez gets up to pull out her chair. Fester copies him for
Debbie.
Gomez: Perfection achieved. We are the luckiest brothers on
earth We are unworthy of such splendor, undeserving of such
radiance.
Gomez nods at Fester, but Fester doesn’t say anything. He nods
again.
Fester: Uh – that’s right! We should have ugly girls!
A violin plays, as Gomez raises his eyes to the ceiling. He removes
his jacket, bows to Morticia, and takes her hand. They dance as
everyone watches. The musicians play the “Addams Family Theme.”
Everyone is amazed. At one point, Morticia touches a young man’s face,
and Gomez gasps and pulls her back, twirling her so fast across the
floor that she leaves a trail of fire. Gomez catches her again at the
end. Debbie is watching them, amazed. Fester taps her shoulder and she
looks, to see him trying to impress her by sticking things in his
nose. Gomez lights a woman’s cigarette, then backflips across the
room, pulls a tablecloth out from under plates and glasses without
moving them, and uses the black and red cloth as a cape, whirling it
around. Morticia picks up clamshells from a nearby table and uses them
as castanets, clicking a rhythm. She replaces them in their bowl,
picking up a knife, turning, and flinging it at Gomez, who catches it
in his teeth as everyone gasps.
Gomez: Hah!
He whips the tablecloth back into place, flings the knife into the
floor, and the two meet again in the middle of the floor to dance.
Debbie smiles, still watching them, and looks at Fester, who hastily
sticks something up his nose again and smiles. Morticia lays down on
the floor, and Gomez whirls her around, faster and faster, finally
pulling her up again to kiss her. All the champagne bottles in the
room burst their corks as the two kiss. Everyone stands up, clapping
and cheering.
Amanda: And then, the ghost said, “And I will haunt you
forever!”
All the girls ooh.
Amanda: Wednesay, you have to continue the ghost story.
Wednesday, laying on her bed, reading a book, looks up.
Wednesday: This is dumb.
Amanda: Well, if you can’t do it…
Wednesday slowly closes her book, sits up, and turns to
them.
Wednesday: And so, the next night, the ghost returned to the
haunted cabin, and he said to the campers, “None of you really believe
in me, so I’ll have to prove my power.” And the next morning, when the
campers woke up, all of their old noses had grown back.
All the girls scream. Wednesday looks at them menacingly.
Debbie: Oh, Fester, how you must hate me.
Fester: What?
Debbie: Here you are, a debonair man of the world – how I must
bore you.
Fester: Oh, never!
Debbie: Fester, before we go any further, I have a confession,
something I must tell you. (She sits on a stone.) I’m a
virgin.
Fester (sitting with her): You are?
Debbie: Yes.
Fester: What’s that?
Debbie: It – It’s someone who’s never experienced physical
love.
Fester: Oh, you mean with another person.
Debbie nods.
Fester: Then, Debbie, I have a confession to make as well. I’m
one too.
Debbie (feigning astonishment): You? You?
Fester: Yes.
Debbie: But with your looks, your charm – women must follow you
everywhere.
Fester: Store detectives.
Debbie: Oh, Fester! I always dreamed of meeting someone
untouched, someone pure, someone… just like you.
Fester: You’ll meet him.
Debbie: And – and I dreamed that when I met him, we would wait
until our wedding night to give ourselves to one another, to make the
ultimate sacrifice.
Fester: A goat?
Debbie: Until now I thought it was impossible, but Fester
Addams, I love you!
Fester (gaping): You do?
Debbie: Please, be brutally honest. I have to know how you feel
about me.
Fester: I love you. I worship you. I’d do anything for you. I’d
pay.
Debbie: Fester!
Fester: Debbie!
They embrace.
Gomez: Look at him.
Morticia: So peaceful.
The baby snores, wearing a mask over its face.
Gomez: This evening, as I watched Fester and Debbie, I kept my
fingers crossed. I hoped…
Morticia: I prayed…
Gomez: Let them fall in love.
Morticia: Let them know happiness.
Gomez: Let them adopt.
Fester comes banging into the room.
Fester: Gomez, Morticia, great news! Something impossible – a
miracle!
Gomez: The rash –
Morticia: It’s gone?
Fester: I’m engaged!
Debbie walks into the room, smiling, holding up her hand, with a
large diamond ring.
Morticia: That ring.
Gomez: It was our mother’s. She was buried with it.
Debbie shows them her other hand, holding a shovel. Lightning
flashes and lights up her face as she smiles.
Gary: Mail call! Addams!
He hands Wednesday a letter.
Becky: Barkley! Castleman! Calloway! Dexter, Donman, Edwards,
Evans.
Wednesday opens the letter.
Becky: Finley, Fisher, Framingham! Gibley, Harper…
Wednesday: Oh, no.
Pugsley: What is it?
Wednesday: This is unspeakable.
Becky: Is something wrong, Wednesday? Bad news?
Wednesday: This is the worst thing that has ever happened in
the history of human events. (to Pugsley) Uncle Fester is
getting married.
Gary: A wedding? But that’s great news!
Amanda: To whom?
Wednesday: The nanny.
Amanda: Get out of the cabin! I mean, I’ll kill myself! The
help?
Becky: I’m sure she’s a very nice lady.
Amanda: I think that’s disgusting! I think their whole family’s
like some weird medical experiment. I think they're like circus
people!
Pugsley (stepping forward): What did you say?
Becky (stepping in between hastily and clapping):
Campers! Group hug!
All the girls climb down from their bed and join the hug. Wednesday
and Pugsley back away. Gary makes a sad face at them.
Gary: Wednesday, Pugsley. Will a hug hurt us?
Wednesday: We don’t hug.
Becky (putting a hand on Wednesday’s shoulder):
Oh, they’re just shy.
Pugsley: We’re not shy.
Wednesday: We’re contagious.
Gary and Becky remove their hands from the children’s
shoulders.
Gary: I’m sensing some friction here.
Becky nods.
Gary: Something not quite Chippewa.
All the girls nod and say “mm-hmm”.
Gary: But hey, no problemo. All they need are good friends,
good fun, and a little time in the Harmony Hut.
He smiles widely at them.
Pugsley: How long do we have to stay in here?
Wednesday: Until we crack.
They are sitting on a bench in a room full of cute stuffed animals,
posters, and bright colors. The door opens, and Gary pushes Joel
inside.
Gary: Have fun.
Wednesday: What are you in for?
Joel: I wouldn’t go horseback riding.
Wednesday: That’s all?
Joel: And I wouldn’t make a birdhouse.
Wednesday: Why not?
Joel: I just wanted to read.
He holds up his book, “A Brief History of Time,” as Gary opens the
door again to grab the book.
Gary: Not on my time, Four-Eyes!
Joel looks up, horrified, seeing a life-size poster of Michael
Jackson, next to another saying “Heal the World” and screams.
Wednesday: Hurry up.
Puglsey: I’m coming!
Joel: Wait!
Wednesday and Pugsley whip around.
Wednesday: Who’s there?
Joel (coming forward): Be careful. Tetanus.
He is about to cut the fence when the three hear sirens and
whistles. They turn around to see the entire camp coming toward them,
flashlights in hand, Becky with a guard dog.
Amanda: There they are. I saw them sneak out.
Two boys run forward and pull off Wednesday and Pugsley’s hoods,
revealing their faces.
Gary: Children, what do you think you’re doing?
Wednesday: We have to see our family. It’s very important.
Becky: More important than a summer of fun? More important than
making new friends? More important than sharing?
Gary: And Joel Glicker, I’m surprised at you.
Joel: I – I have to get out of here. I have allergies.
Some of the children laugh.
Becky: Oh, you’re allergic? To sunshine, archery, and
crafts?
Joel: Yes.
Amanda: I think they should be punished. Punished!
Punished!
Campers: Punished! Punished! Punished! Punished! Punished!
Becky: No! No! We are not here to punish. We are here to
inspire.
Gary: Campers, you know what I think our little ninja friends
here need? Know what just might turn their sad and potentially wasted
little lives right on around?
Joel (fearfully): What?
Gary strums a guitar and the entire camp sings.
Campers: Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya…
Wednesday and Pugsley glance at each other.
Campers: Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya…
A wolf howls.
Campers: Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya… Oh, Lord, kumbaya.
Wednesday shrinks against the fence, clutching onto it for dear
life.
Morticia: Now, Debbie, have you met everyone?
Margaret: Morticia!
Morticia: Margaret.
They kiss the air.
Morticia: Margaret, this is our bride-to-be.
Margaret: Welcome to our family. I can’t tell you what it’s
meant to me, joining the Addams clan. Have you met my husband, Cousin
Itt?
Debbie: Cousin – Itt?
Margaret: We’ve been so happy. And just as little Pubert
arrived, we were blessed with our own little bundle of joy.
She opens the baby carriage (shaped like a miniature coffin) to
reveal a baby that looks just like a small Cousin Itt, all hair with a
pacifier sticking out of where its mouth should be. It makes the same
sort of gibberish squeaking noises. Debbie stares.
Margaret: What.
Debbie: Oh, I – I didn’t say anything.
Margaret: No, that’s the baby’s nickname – What. From the
obstetrician.
Morticia: Isn’t he precious.
Margaret: We’ve had offers.
Everyone: For he’s a jolly good fellow, which nobody can deny!
Fester: You guys are the best bunch of friends a fella could
hope for. What a party!
Gomez: And now, for the pièce de resistance!
Lurch wheels out a giant wedding cake, complete with bride and
groom on top.
Gomez: Ta-da!
Nothing happens. He steps closer to the cake.
Gomez: Ta-da!
Still nothing. He removes the top layer of the cake. White steam
billows out.
Gomez: That poor girl. Lurch, was she in there before you
baked?
Fester gasps, Lurch grunts, and everyone groans. Gomez replaces the
lid.
Gomez: C’est la vie!
Everyone laughs.
Wednesday: Are you really allergic?
Joel: Uh-huh. To almost everything.
Wednesday: No you’re not.
Joel: Am too. I can’t have dairy products, or wear wool, or
drink fluoridated water. You know what happens if my mom uses a fabric
softener?
Wednesday: What?
Joel: I die.
Wednesday moves to sit closer next to him.
Wednesday: Where are you?
Joel: Over here.
Wednesday: Where?
Joel: By the skeleton.
They stand to find themselves right next to each other.
Joel: I got your message inside my cutlet.
Wednesday: I need to ask you something.
Joel: What?
Wednesday: Do you believe in the existence of evil?
Joel: Well, did you meet my mom?
Wednesday: My Uncle Fester’s about to get married to this woman
in a white uniform.
Joel: A radiologist.
Wednesday: A nanny. But I have to go to the wedding. I have a
pass. Do you want to come?
Joel: You mean, like, on a date?
Wednesday: No.
Joel: I’d love to.
Fester: I, Fester Addams, do hereby declare my unending love…
(sobbing) I will worship you forever. I will devote my every
waking moment to your happiness alone. Henceforth, I am your eternal
and helpless slave.
Debbie: Nice. (shrugging) Ditto.
Gomez: You’re going to have a wonderful life together.
Debbie: Yes, I am.
Fester: Come, darling, let’s see who’s the next happy
bride.
All the women and girls call out “To me! Me!” as Debbie tosses her
bouquet over her shoulder. Everyone dives for it, but it has landed
right in Wednesday’s arms. Joel is standing next to her.
Joel: Now you have to get married.
Wednesday: It’s not binding.
Female relative: Tramp.
Everyone calls out “Good bye!” and “Congratulations!” as the
newlyweds leave.
Debbie: The key ingredient to a successful Hawaiian honeymoon
is romantic music. (She turns on some music.) I ordered this
cassette from Time-Life. 5000 of the World’s Most Romantic
Melodies.
Fester: It’s superb. What do you call this?
Debbie: Number 438. So, do you like romantic living?
Fester: I do so far.
Debbie: I love romantic living. Oh, Fester, how much do you
love me?
Fester: With all my soul.
Debbie: Would you do anything for me?
Fester: Anything.
Debbie: Would you die for me?
Fester: Yes!
Debbie: Promise?
She drops the radio into the bath, electrocuting him. The room goes
dark. Debbie laughs. When the sizzling stops, Debbie bends over
him.
Debbie: Pumpkin?
Fester, very much alive, holds a light bulb in his mouth, lighting
it up.
Fester: Muffin!
Fester: Darling, I know you’re nervous. So am I.
Debbie: I’m not nervous. I’m upset.
Fester: About the bathtub? That was an accident.
After several tries, he manages to take the remote control from
her hand.
Debbie: I know.
Fester: I’m fine.
Debbie: I know.
Fester: Don’t give it another thought. (He lays his head in
her lap.) Don’t be frightened. This is as new to me as it is to
you.
Debbie: Have you really never had sex?
Fester: Never.
Debbie: Then how do you know we’re not having it right now?
Fester: Sweetheart, we’ll be just like Gomez and Morticia.
Pretend we’re at home in my room – Granny down the hallway, Lurch by
the door.
Debbie: Oh my god.
Fester: Sweetheart, please, what is it? What do you need?
Debbie: Only you, my dearest. (She sits on him.)
Fester: Really?
Debbie: Fester, I’m ready. Just one thing.
Fester: Gomez told me – no giggling.
Debbie: And?
Fester: No hand puppets.
Debbie: And?
Fester: What?
Debbie: After we’ve made love, you can never see your family
again.
Fester: What?
Debbie: Otherwise, I could never really enjoy myself. I could
never give myself completely.
Fester: Unless I never see my family again?
Debbie: Yes, if I picture them in our lives, I could never
achieve… you know…
Fester: Never?
Debbie: Don’t you love me?
Fester: Of course.
Debbie: Don’t you want me?
Fester: Yes.
Debbie (kissing him): Never… stud.
Fester: Whoa.
Morticia: It’s so odd we haven’t heard from Fester and
Debbie.
Gomez: It’s been almost a week, hasn’t it, little fellow?
He looks at Pubert in his cradle.
Gomez: Look at him. Too much fun at that reception.
He pours the liquid into a baby bottle, shakes it up, and hands it
to Pubert.
Gomez: Hair of the pup.
Becky: Excellent, Amanda!
Gary: Next!
Amanda goes to the back of the line, and Joel comes forward. He
fumbles with the bow and arrow. Pugsley is behind Joel, and behind him
is Wednesday. She reads from a letter which she is holding in her
hand.
Wednesday: “Dear Wednesday and Pugsley. I love you dearly, but
I can never see you again.”
Gary (impatiently): Glicker, go!
Joel gives up and flings the arrow at the ground.
Becky: Good try!
Joel goes to the end of the line, as Pugsley takes the bow, and
Wednesday finishes reading.
Wednesday: “When you are grown up and very lonely, you will
understand. Love, Uncle Fester.” He’s a dead man.
Gary: Go!
Pugsley aims the arrow at the target, then points it upward
instead, and shoots. A bird squawks. Pugsley hands Wednesday the bow
and goes to the end of the line, as a bird falls from the sky.
Becky: That’s an American Bald Eagle!
Gary: But aren’t they extinct?
Wednesday: They are now.
Man: Mrs. Addams.
Debbie: Yes?
Man: Your hearse, ma’am. Where’s the body?
Debbie: He’s right there.
She points over her shoulder.
Man: But he’s alive!
Debbie: Tell me about it!
Fester walks off the plane, with leis around his neck, laden down
with suitcases and looking very happy. He comes over to
Debbie.
Debbie: Fester, we may be together for a while.
Fester: All our lives, cara mia.
Debbie: What?
Fester: Mon cher.
Debbie: Speak English!
Fester: Pumpkin?
Debbie: And if I have to be seen with you, then we need to make
some changes.
Fester: Changes?
Not answering, Debbie gets into the car, Fester closes the door,
and a few seconds later, it speeds off. The license plate is DEBBIE-1.
Above the letters it says “New York”, and below, “A Nice
State”.
Debbie: Be careful, it’s a Credenza! These are beautiful
things, they’re from catalogues! Fester, get over here!
He runs over to her, scratching his head.
Fester: It itches.
Debbie: Don’t touch it, not until the scab falls off.
Fester: Pumpkin, do you think these clothes are really me?
Debbie: Of course not, that’s the point.
Mover: Ma’am, where do you want this thing?
He holds up a large painting.
Debbie: The second floor boudoir. And be careful.
Fester: I’m her husband.
Debbie: Fester!
Fester: Give me a kiss.
Debbie: Give me a twenty. Watch it! (She runs over to some
movers.) That’s a Queen Anne chandelier!
Gomez: “Hawaii is wonderful, I wish you were here, and I can
never see you again. P.S. Debbie says hi.” I don’t understand – for
weeks, not a word, and now this.
Morticia: Darling, come to bed. He can’t be serious.
Gomez: Have I done something, said something? Why does my
brother despise me?
Morticia: He adores you.
Gomez: I’d do anything for him. At his request, I would rip out
my eyes! At his command, I would crawl on my belly though hot coals
and broken glass!
Morticia: Why wait?
Gomez: Has Fester gone mad?
Morticia: This is all some sort of phase. Post-honeymoon
malaise. It’s very common. Do you remember our honeymoon?
Gomez: That glorious cruise.
Morticia: No quarrels.
Gomez: No cares.
Morticia: No survivors.
Gomez: Cara mia.
He kisses her hand.
Morticia: So… you still desire me, after all these years? The
old ball and chain?
Gomez: Forever.
Morticia: I’ll get them.
Gary: Heads up, campers! Jamboree’s only two weeks away, and
you know what that mean! Clean cabins…
Becky: Creating with clay…
Gary & Becky: And canoes, canoes, canoes!
Gary: So we better get crackin’, huh?
Joel: Look at this! I got ’em! Schizos and Serial Killers. I
have almost the whole series. I’m only missing Jack the Ripper and
that Zodiac guy. But look! ‘The Black Widow.'
The card shows a blonde woman, similar in appearance to Debbie,
holding a gun.
Wednesday: It might be Debbie.
Joel turns over the card to read the back.
Joel: “At least three rich husbands, all dead.”
Pugsley: I’ll trade you.
Joel: For what?
Pugsley (pulling out a card): Amy Fischer.
Gary: Each year, we conclude our summer with a very special
presentation. Book, music, and lyrics written by…
Becky: Gary Granger!
She claps. Only Amanda claps along with her.
Gary: And this year, the old bean has come up with something
pretty exciting – my own personal salute to the first Thanksgiving!
Now, we have thought long and hard about choosing just the right
little actress for the leading role of Sarah Miller, our beautiful and
kindly Pilgrim lady. And, we have selected… Amanda Buckman!
Amanda and her friends squeal. Amanda mouths “Me?”
Gary: And, in the roles of her Pilgrim pals, Lily, Tiffany,
Jennifer, Missy, Michelle, and Melissa!
The girls squeal even more and hug each other. Becky puts a finger
to her lips.
Becky: But of course, not everyone can be a star. Let’s not
forget our cheery little Chippewas, Mordecai, Yang, Esther, um –
Consuela, Irwin, and, um, I’m still not sure just how to pronounce
this. Jam-il? Jame-il?
Gary: Jamal.
Becky: Whatever. And as their leader, in the secondary, but
still compellingly written role of Pocahontas, guess who we have in
mind? Our own little brunette outcast, Wednesday Addams!
Wednesday, looking horrified, peers over the edge of the
bleacher.
Morticia: We want to see Debbie and Fester.
Maid: Miss Debbie!
Debbie: Debra!
Gomez, Morticia, the Grandmother, and Pubert enter the house.
Morticia: Gomez, where are we?
Grandmother: It looks familiar. Ah, yes! The gates of hell…
Debbie (at the top of the stairs): Welcome to my
home.
Gomez: Might we see my brother?
Debbie: No, he doesn’t want to see any of you, any of you, or
that.
She indicates Pubert. Morticia looks down at the baby.
Morticia: Why not?
Debbie: Because he’s in love. He’s wrapped in a gossamer
blanket of ecstasy… and he hates your guts.
Gomez: But why?
Debbie: Because you’ve flaunted yourselves, your great love
affair. You’ve kept him a child; I’ve made him a man.
Gomez: Let me hear this from his own lips.
Debbie: His lips are busy!
She looks up to the second floor, where Fester is huddled in a
doorway.
Debbie: You want to talk to these people?
Fester (pleadingly): Debbie… (deciding between
her and Gomez) oh… Go away!
Gomez: That is not my brother!
Debbie: Sorry.
Morticia: You have enslaved him. You have placed Fester under
some strange sexual spell. I respect that. But please, may we see
him?
Debbie: Don’t even think about it.
Morticia: You have gone too far. You have married Fester. You
have destroyed his spirit. You have taken him from us. All that I
could forgive. But Debbie…
Debbie: What?
Morticia (reproachfully): Pastels?
Debbie: Get out of my house! Hit the road! And if you ever show
your faces around here again, I’ll have you locked up for trying to
visit. (looking upwards) Right, Fessie?
Fester (sounding pained): Right!
Morticia and Gomez turn and leave the house. Morticia’s mother
steps forward, holding a human skull, which she moves in a diamond
shape as she says a spell.
Grandmother: Luxor, nexor, burst and burn!
Debbie: What is she doing?
Grandmother: Just a curse. Have a nice day.
She hands Debbie the skull, blows a kiss and walks out after Gomez
and Morticia.
Gomez: I demand justice! Someone has married my brother!
Police Officer (sarcastically): No.
Gomez: She took him to Hawaii.
Police Officer (sarcastically): Get out of
here!
Gomez: They have moved into a large, expensive home, where they
make love constantly!
Police Officer (sarcastically): I hate when that
happens.
Gomez: Arrest her at once, without delay!
Police Officer: Who?
Gomez: Debbie! My brother’s wife! The temptress of Waikiki!
Police Officer: Who are you? What are you? Who moved the rock?
Gomez: Officer, you must issue a subpoena. I believe they
own…
Morticia (putting a hand on his shoulder): Gomez,
no!
Gomez: A Buick!
Police Officer: Just leave. Leave quietly. Leave now. Don’t
make me call Ringling Brothers.
Gomez: Has the planet gone mad!? My brother… passion’s hostage…
I seek justice – denied! I shall not submit! I shall conquer! I shall
rise! My name is Gomez Addams, and I have seen evil!
The Grandmother, holding baby Pubert, holds him up.
Gomez: I have seen terror!
Lurch grunts and raises his hand.
Gomez: I have seen the unholy maggots which feast in the dark
recesses of the human soul!
Morticia: They’re at camp.
Gomez: I have seen all this, Officer, but until today, I had
never seen you!
Police Officer: Hook him, book him, cook him. Now!
Clerk: Next in line, please.
Debbie: Yes, I’d like to renew my passport, please. I’ll be
leaving the country very shortly.
Clerk: Will you be traveling alone?
Debbie: Yes, I’ll be a widow.
The clerk looks up at her.
Campers (singing): Happy, happy Turkey Day, hunger
pains will go away, when you hear the Pilgrims say, it’s Happy Turkey
Day. Happy, happy Turkey Day, let’s all eat the Indian way, as
Bastille and Cape Cod Bay, it’s Happy Turkey Day!
As the song ends, Becky jumps up, as Amanda comes toward her,
dressed in her costume.
Becky: Look at you! Oh, Amanda, you look perfect! You’re just
the prettiest Pilgrim I’ve ever seen! Gar, come and take a look at
this.
Two boys come toward them, along with Wednesday, Pugsley, and
Joel.
Boy: Here they are! We caught them by the pay phone.
Wednesday: We were calling the FBI.
Joel: Their uncle is in trouble. We were running a check.
Becky: And you are late for your fittings!
Wednesday: I don’t want to be in the pageant.
Gary: Don’t you want to help me realize my vision?
Wednesday: Your work is puerile and under-dramatized. You lack
any sense of structure, character, or the Aristotelian unities.
Gary: Young lady, I am getting just a tad tired of your
attitude problem.
Becky (clapping): Everyone! Campers! I have a
wonderful idea. (She points to her head.) Wednesday and
Pugsley, and young Mr. Glicker here, well, they have just never quite
latched on to the Chippewa spirit. Nor have some of their little
comrades. Isn’t that sad?
Campers: Yes!
Becky: Don’t we just hate that?
Campers: Yes!
Becky: Don’t we wish they would just die?
Campers: Yes!
Becky: No, we don’t. But do you know what we’re going to do
with them? We’re going to make an example. (She traces a square in
the air with her fingers.) We’re going to show that anyone, no
matter how odd, or pale, or chubby, can have a darn good time! Whether
they like it, or not.
Joel: What are you going to do?
Gary: Yes, indeedy, just the ticket. Bambi.
Becky: Lassie Come Home.
Gary: The Little Mermaid.
Wednesday: Stop it.
Joel: He’s only a child.
They look at Pugsley. Gary puts one of the tapes in the VCR.
Wednesday turns to Joel.
Wednesday: Don’t worry. We’re getting out of here.
Joel: But… It’s Disney!
Gary and Becky: Yes!
Wednesday sits up straighter and braces herself, as the movies
begin. As the day goes on, they hear various songs: “The hills are
alive, with the sound of music, with songs they have sung, for a
thousand years…” “and they knew that it was much more than a hunch,
that this group must somehow form a family, that’s the way we all
became the Brady Bunch …” “Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow,
you’re only a day away!” By this time, it has become dark. The door
of the Harmony Hut opens, and the three children leave to face the
entire camp.
Gary: Well… good evening. Is there anything you’d like to say
to everyone?
Wednesday: Yes.
Becky: And just what might that be?
Wednesday steps forward.
Wednesday: I’m not perky.
Amanda: That’s for d*** sure.
Gary holds up a hand.
Wednesday: But I want to be.
Gary: You do?
Wednesday: I want to smile, and sing, and dance, and be
Pocahontas in Gary’s vision.
Becky: Oh, darling, do you really mean it?
Wednesday tries to smile. Her mouth twitches, and it looks like a
struggle, but eventually, she manages it. All the campers gasp and
step backward.
Becky: Isn’t she pretty!
Amanda: She’s scaring me!
Becky: Oh, Gar!
Gary: Yeah.
Wednesday continues to smile.
Grandmother: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Morticia and Gomez appear in the doorway.
Grandmother: Stay back! He’s very sick!
Instead, the parents come straight to the cradle and look in. There
is a beautiful, rosy-cheeked, blond baby boy, cooing with happiness.
Even the room has completely changed, to be brightly colored, painted
yellow and green and blue. The cradle has become light blue and
white.
Morticia: My baby!
Gomez falls straight backwards in a dead faint.
Grandmother: Lumbar, dison, pox, and thither. Curad, brattle,
bone, and brine!
Nothing happens. The baby laughs.
Grandmother: Bone and brine!
Still nothing. The baby coos.
Grandmother: Well, he’s stubborn. It works on cats!
Morticia: What are we going to do?
Gomez: Is it hopeless?
The Grandmother leafs through an ancient book.
Grandmother: Here it is. (reading) “Chapter Eighteen. Infant
Possessions.”
Gomez: He’s possessed?
Grandmother: “Warning signs – severe alterations in appearance
or personality; such alterations can become permanent!”
Morticia: Permanent? Those golden curls?
Gomez: Those rosy cheeks?
Morticia: That smile?
Grandmother: These terrifying changes are most often the result
of a troubled family life; separations –”
Gomez: Separations! You mean–
Morticia: Fester!
Grandmother: Bingo! This kid knows that something’s not right
around here! Unless Fester comes back, we’re talking dimples!
Gomez (angrily): Not in this house!
Grandmother: He could stay this way for years – forever! He
could become… a lawyer!
Gomez: I won’t listen!
Grandmother: An orthodontist!
Morticia: Mama, stop!
Grandmother: President!
Morticia puts her hand to her head, Gomez turns to the wall, and
Lurch grunts and put his hand up.
Gomez (looking upward): Please! I beg you! Take
me!
He sobs.
Gary: Each summer, we take this occasion to celebrate a seminal
event in American history.
Becky: This year, we depict perhaps the most important event in
our shared past – the first Thanksgiving!
Gary: A day for maize – the Native American word for corn – a
terrific turkey dinner, and brotherhood! So… white meat, and dark meat
– take it away!
A large sign reads “Gary Granger’s A TURKEY NAMED BROTHERHOOD”
along with pictures of a turkey, a pumpkin, and a Pilgrim settlement.
The sign is moved over to reveal a Pilgrim town, and children dressed
up as turkeys, vegetables, and Pilgrims dance around stage. A giant
turkey comes out, and the song begins.
Campers (singing): Eat us, hey! It’s Thanksgiving
Day! Eat us! We make a nice buffet! We lost the race with Farmer Ed, so
eat us, because we’re good and dead! White man or red man, from east,
north, or south, chop off our legs, and put ’em in your mouth.
Turkey: Eat me!
Campers (singing): Sautéd or barbequed!
Turkey: Eat me!
Campers (singing): We once were pets, but now
we’re food! We won’t stay fresh for very long, so eat us before we
finish this song! Eat us before we finish this song!
Debbie: It was a senseless tragedy.
She removes the veil, brushes a fake tear from her eye, and
turns.
Debbie: Ha ha!
She checks the time, then sets a time bomb, which is in a large red
box, to go off at 6:30. She puts a red lid with a yellow bow over it,
and carries it over to Fester, who is cooking breakfast, wearing a
heart apron.
Debbie: Angel! I’m going out for just a minute! I forgot the
champagne!
Fester: Our three-week anniversary! I’ll go!
Debbie: No, no, you’re working hard enough! I’ll just put your
present on the table! Don’t peek!
She places it on the dining room table as Fester enters the
room.
Fester: Oh, please! Please! What is it? Is it string?
Debbie: You never know!
Thing, the hand, is on the window sill.
Fester: Is it a dog toy?
Debbie: Just you wait!
Fester shakes the box.
Fester: It’s a bomb!
Debbie: What?!
Fester: Oh, I know. Wait for my birthday.
Debbie: Fester… let me look at you. I want to remember you just
this way.
Fester: What do you mean?
Debbie: Rich. Will you miss me?
Fester: But you’ll be right back, won’t you?
Debbie picks up two suitcases.
Debbie: Of course!
She walks out as Fester sighs in relief, then twirls
around.
Fester: Whoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo!
He returns to the kitchen.
Amanda/Sarah Miller: I am so glad we invited the Chippewas to
join us for our holiday meal. Remember, these savages are our
guests.
Hidden from the audience, Gary and Becky follow along in their
scripts, beaming.
Amanda/Sarah Miller: We must not be surprised at any of their
strange customs. After all, they have not had our advantages, such as
fine schools, libraries full of books, shampoo…
The audience chuckles, as the Chippewas, led by Wednesday, as
Pocahontas, still smiling and talking cheerfully.
Wednesday/Pocahontas:: How! I am Pocahontas, a Chippewa
maiden.
In the audience, Mr. and Mrs. Buckman, Amanda’s parents, are
watching.
Mr. Buckman: An Indian.
Mrs. Buckman: Enough said.
They laugh, while onstage the play continues as Joel comes up next
to Wednesday.
Joel/Running Bear: And I am Running Bear, betrothed to
Pocahontas. Only in the play.
In the audience, Mel and Stella Glicker, Joel’s parents, are
watching.
Stella: Twenty grand for summer camp, he’s Mr. Woo-woo.
Wednesday continues, onstage.
Wednesday/Pocahontas:: We have brought a special gift for this
holiday feast.
The giant turkey, played by Pugsley, comes to the front of the
stage.
Pugsley/Turkey:: I am a turkey. Kill me!
Amanda/Sarah Miller: What a thoughtful gift! Why, you are as
civilized as we, except we wear shoes and have last names.
The audience chuckles again.
Amanda/Sarah Miller: Welcome, to our table, our new primitive
friends!
Wednesday/Pocahontas:: Thank you, Sarah Miller! You are the
most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. Your hair is the color of the
sun, your skin is the color of fresh milk, and everyone loves you.
Amanda/Sarah Miller: Stop! Sit!
Wednesday/Pocahontas (losing her smile and suddenly changing
to her old voice): Wait.
Amanda: What?
Wednesday/Pocahontas:: We cannot break bread with you.
Amanda: Huh? Becky, what’s going on?
Becky (whispering): Wednesday!
Wednesday/Pocahontas:: You have taken the land which is
rightfully ours. Years from now, my people will be forced to live in
mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans and
drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the roadsides. You will
play golf, and enjoy hot hors d’oeurves. My people will have pain and
degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe
have spoken. They have said, “Do not trust the Pilgrims – especially
Sarah Miller.”
Amanda: Gary, she’s changing the words.
Wednesday/Pocahontas:: And for all these reasons, I have
decided to scalp you, and burn your village to the ground.
The Indians yell battle cries, and two on each side swing down on
ropes. They grab Amanda while the others run around stage, setting
fire to the Pilgrim houses.
Becky: Children! Campers!
Gary: Stop it! You’re destroying my text!
They pay no attention. They continue to burn houses, shooting
flaming arrows into the roofs. The parents look at each other,
wondering what’s going on. The Indians tie Amanda to a stake. In the
audience, Joel’s parents discuss him.
Mel: He’s not a team player.
Stella: Well, he’s a special child, but he needs friends.
Mel: He needs friends like this?
Joel sneaks around behind them, and pulls a lever. The entire top
bleacher, where his parents are sitting, falls off backwards. Joel
looks satisfied and runs back onstage, where chaos reigns. Two Indians
shoot flaming arrows right at Gary and Becky’s heads, and they duck
just in time. They continue to tie up Amanda. Joel pulls another
lever, which flings a screaming Pilgrim into the lake. Two Indians
with tennis racquets tied to their backs bend down, while two more
pull the racquets down and put pies on them. Some others place wood
around Amanda’s feet.
Mr. Buckman (beginning to get worried): Uh – I
beg your pardon –
An Indian soaks the wood around Amanda’s feet with
gasoline.
Mrs. Buckman (panicked): Do something!
The Buckmans stand up, but just then, the Indians release their
tennis racquet catapults, and fling two pies right into their faces.
An Indian in a motorized wheelchair drives around and around Amanda
holding a rope, to tie her up more securely. Wednesday stands calmly
watching the chaos all around her. Amanda, who now has an apple in her
mouth, screams. She stops as Wednesday pulls something out of her
headband. It is a match. Wednesday strikes it, holding it up. Amanda
begins to scream again. The Indians calmly sit at the table, as the
village continues to burn around them. Two Indians turn a roasting
spit over a fire, to which Gary and Becky, apples in their mouths, are
tied, shrieking. Wednesday sits calmly in a canoe, still in costume,
with Joel, who is rowing it across the lake.
Debbie & Company (singing): Macho, macho man!
Jorge (singing): Feel my muscles!
Debbie & Company (singing): I’ve got to be a
macho man! Macho, macho, macho, macho.
Jorge (singing): Mucho, mucho, macho, macho.
Debbie & Company (singing): I’ve got to be a
macho – hey! hey! hey! hey! hey! hey!
(Music continues: “Macho, macho man…”)
Debbie: Hey! Wait, what time is it, Jorge?
Jorge: Ah, 6:25.
Debbie: Oops, got to go.
Men: No! Wait! (etc.)
Debbie: Wait It’s my anniversary. I’ll be right back.
Jorge: Your husband is a very lucky man.
Debbie: Don’t say that!
She whirls to leave. An elderly waitress comes over to leave a
tray, and they sing to her.
Men: Macho, macho man! I’ve got to be a macho man…
Fester: Cheers.
Outside, Debbie’s car pulls up, and she waits for the explosion and
imagines the aftermath.
Debbie: But officer… my husband was in that house…
She pretends to sob, but her sobs turn into laughter. Inside,
Fester continues to look at his present. He raises his glass
again.
Fester: Happy anniversary… Debbie.
He slams the glass down, breaking it. Outside in the car, Debbie
looks at her watch. Suddenly, the entire house explodes. She shows
absolutely no emotion as the entire thing blows up right next to her,
even when burning debris lands on her car. She calmly opens the car
door and gets out, smiling, and looking at the blackened place where
the front door once was.
Debbie (quietly): Help… help…
She walks toward the house, kicking rubble out of the way.
Suddenly, Fester comes running out of the house, a blackened roast in
his hands, completely cheerful and unharmed.
Fester: Sweetheart! Did you get the champagne?
Debbie, furious, pulls a gun out of her handbag and points it at
him.
Debbie: Freeze!
Fester: Pookie?
Debbie: I tried to make it look like an accident. I tried to
give you some dignity, but oh no, not you.
Fester: What are you saying?
Debbie: I’m saying, I want you dead, and I want your money!
Fester: But – but – don’t you love me?
Debbie laughs maniacally.
Fester: Is that a no?
Debbie: Oh, do I love you?
Her car begins to move behind her. Thing, the hand, is at the
wheel.
Debbie: Look at you! You’re a nightmare! You’re the missing
link! You shouldn’t be married, you should be studied! You’re a big,
dumb, weird thing! No woman in her right mind could love you!
The car, which has been getting steadily nearer, and faster,
crashes into her, knocking her aside.
Fester: Thing!
Thing beckons to Fester, who gets into the car, still holding the
roast. Thing drives off. Debbie struggles to her feet and shoots at
the car, but to no avail.
Debbie: I’ll get you! And your little hand too!
Thing drives crazily, all around the road, through hedges, and
almost crashing into other cars. Fester gasps as they almost crash
several times. The roast falls out the window, landing in the center
of the road.
Wednesday: Come on.
Joel: No. I have to go back – for the others.
Wednesday: You’re very brave.
Joel: And to watch the place burn. You go. Save your uncle.
Wednesday: Joel, I may never see you again.
Joel: I know.
Wednesday: There are forces tearing us apart – Gary, Debbie,
seventh grade.
Joel removes his Indian headdress.
Joel: I’ll never forget you.
Wednesday: You won’t?
Joel: You’re too weird.
Wednesday: We’ll always have today – and Chippewa.
Joel: And this.
He holds up something made of metal and plastic.
Wednesday: What is it?
Joel: Amanda’s retainer.
He drops it.
Joel: Cara mia.
Wednesday: Mon cher.
They kiss briefly through the fence, and each wipe their mouths
with their hands. A car pulls up behind Wednesday and honks. Pugsley
is driving.
Pugsley: Come on!
Wednesday gets into the car, leaving Joel staring after her.
Debbie: Move it! Move out of the way!
The car runs over the roast which Fester dropped in the middle of
the road.
Morticia: “We looked, then we saw him step in on the mat. We
looked, and we saw him – the Cat in the Hat.” Are you enjoying this?
To think… a child of mine. (She continues to read) “I know it
is wet, and the sun is not sunny, but we can have lots of good fun
that is funny.” (She flips to the last page of the book.) Oh,
no. He lives.
Her mother bursts into the room.
Grandmother: Come on! It’s Gomez!
Gomez (singing): Swing low, sweet chariot, coming
for to carry me home. Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me
home.
Morticia: My baby is ill. And my husband is dying. Oh, Mama,
what shall I do?
Grandmother (smiling): Well, you have a black
dress.
A tear falls from Morticia’s eye, and she takes Gomez’s
hand.
Gomez (singing): Swing low, sweet cha–
He starts to sob. Suddenly, Fester bursts into the room.
Fester: Gomez!
Morticia & Grandmother: Fester!
Gomez: Fester? Where is Fester?
Morticia: He’s right here, mon cher.
Fester kneels by Gomez’s bed, sobbing.
Fester: It’s me, Gomez. I’ve tried to be someone I’m not. I
live in shame – and the suburbs!
Gomez: But you belong to Debbie! You’re Debbie’s love toy! You
are Mr. Debbie!
Fester: I am an Addams!
Gomez (sitting up): Fester!
Fester and Gomez hug as Wednesday and Pugsley enter the
room.
Pugsley: Uncle Fester!
Fester: Children!
Pugsley hugs Fester.
Wednesday: You sent us to camp. They made us sing.
Gomez and Morticia look at each other. After a moment, Wednesday
comes forward to hug Fester as well.
Fester: My own dear family.
Pugsley goes over to stand next to Gomez, and Wednesday goes to
Morticia.
Morticia: Our whole family, together at last. Three generations
– above ground.
Suddenly, they hear a voice from the doorway.
Debbie: In-laws!
Debbie is standing there, with a gun. She cocks it.
Debbie: I don’t want to hurt anybody. I don’t enjoy hurting
anybody. I don’t like guns, or bombs, or electric chairs. But
sometimes people just won’t listen. So I have to use persuasion – and
slides.
She clicks the remote she is holding in her hand, and the first
slide appears, a man and woman hugging outside a house.
Debbie: My parents, Sharon and Dave. Generous, doting… or were
they? All I ever wanted was a ballerina Barbie. In her pretty pink
tutu. My birthday – I was ten.
She changes the slide, to show a picture of herself, at age ten,
opening presents.
Debbie: And do you know what they got me? Malibu Barbie!
Morticia: Malibu Barbie.
Gomez: The nightmare.
Morticia: The nerve.
Debbie changes the slide, to show a slide of herself, looking
outraged.
Debbie: That’s not what I wanted! That’s not who I was! I was a
ballerina – graceful, delicate! They had to go.
She changes the slide to show the house burning to the ground.
Debbie: My first husband. The heart surgeon. All day long –
coronaries, transplants.
Grandmother: What about your needs?
Debbie: “Sorry about dinner, Deb. The pope has a cold.”
She changes the slide to show the man, with a look of horror on his
face, and the shadow of an axe raised above his head.
Grandmother: An axe. That takes me back.
Debbie: Husband number two. The Senator. He loved his state. He
loved his country.
Grandmother: What about Debbie?
Debbie: “Sorry, Debbie. No Mercedes this year. We have to set
an example.” Set this!
She changes the slide to show her second husband, backed against a
garage door, hands out in front of him, as car headlights approach.
Debbie: My latest husband. My late husband – Fester.
Fester: The fool.
Debbie: The corpse.
She turns off the slide projector.
Debbie: And his adorable family. You took me in – you accepted
me. But did any of you love me – really love me?
Gomez: Hands!
Debbie: So I – I killed. So I maimed. So I destroyed one
innocent life after another. Aren’t I a human being? Don’t I yearn –
and ache – and shop? Don’t I deserve love? And jewelry?
Morticia nods. Debbie reaches for the switch to set off the
electricity.
Morticia: Adieu, mon cher.
Gomez: Adios, cara mia.
They hold hands.
Fester: Debbie – let them go. Take me and my money. For what
I’ve done, I deserve to die.
Debbie: Sorry.
Debbie: Good bye, everybody! Wish me luck.
Entire Family: Good luck!
She begins to pull the switch. Suddenly, Pubert, returning from the
sky, falls through the ceiling into the attic. At the same time,
Debbie pulls the switch all the way. The electrical current begins
traveling through a long wire to reach the chairs. Suddenly, however,
Pubert picks up two frayed ends of wire and holds them together,
causing an explosion of light, and a reversal of the current. It is
now traveling back toward Debbie. She gasps. The current hits the
switch, which she is still holding, and she is surrounded by blue and
white sparks. She is lifted off her feet and her hair stands on end.
The entire family watches with great amusement. Debbie is nothing but
a pile of ashes. Two shoes and some gold jewelry fall down next to the
ashes, followed by two credit cards. Pubert giggles.
Fester: A birthday party! What a treat! And to think I might
have missed all this. What was I thinking of?
Wednesday and Pugsley are standing on the staircase.
Wednesday: Physical pleasure.
Fester: Oh…
Pugsley: Uncle Fester, do you miss Debbie?
Fester: Well, sometimes, late at night. I remember how she used
to turn to me and say, “Jesus, Fester, go back to your room!”
He laughs hysterically as Cousin Itt, Margaret, and their baby,
What, come through the door.
Margaret: Yoo-hoo!
Cousin Itt says something in gibberish.
Margaret: Are we late?
Cousin Itt say some more gibberish. Margaret is holding a
black-wrapped present.
Fester: Not at all. We’re just getting started.
Margaret: I hope no one minds – we brought along a guest. This
is our new nanny – Dementia.
Dementia comes through the door. She looks much more like an Addams
family nanny than Debbie did – dressed in black and with pale greyish
skin. She removes her hat to reveal that she is completely bald.
Fester is smitten.
Fester: Oh… Dementia – what a beautiful name.
Dementia: It means ‘insanity.’
Fester: My name’s Fester. It means ‘to rot.’
Gomez: A toasts! To the glorious mysteries of life. To all that
binds a family as one. To mirth, to merriment, to manslaughter.
Everyone: Hear, hear.
Gomez raises his glass to Margaret, Cousin Itt, and What. Cousin
Itt chatters.
Gomez: To dear friends.
He raises his glass to Dementia, standing next to Fester.
Gomez: To new friends.
He raises his glass to Wednesday, and Joel, who is standing next to
her.
Gomez: To youth.
Joel is dressed like Gomez, even to the mustache drawn on his
face.
Joel: How do I look?
Wednesday: Disturbing.
Gomez raises his glass to Morticia, standing next to him.
Gomez: To passion.
Morticia: To paradise.
Gomez: To pain.
Morticia: Tonight.
They are about to kiss when the Grandmother suddenly brings in
Pubert.
Grandmother: Ha ha! Make way for the birthday boy!
Pugsley follows, wheeling in a cake reading “Happy Birthday
Pubert.”
Gomez: Thing, will you do the honors?
Thing grabs a match and uses a thumb to strike it, then jumps to
the cake, lighting the solitary tall black candle on top. Lurch plays
“Happy Birthday” on the organ, wearing a party hat.
Joel: Your family is really – interesting. Your parents are so
involved with each other.
He moves closer to her.
Joel: Wednesday, do you think, like, maybe, you might get want
to married and have kids?
Wednesday: No.
Joel: But – what if you met just the right man, who worshipped
and adored you, who’d do anything for you, who’d be your devoted
slave? Then what would you do?
Wednesday: I’d pity him.
They look at the gravestone in front of them, which reads “Debbie
Jellinsky Addams - Wife and Psycho.” Joel kneels in front of it,
holding a flower.
Joel: Poor Debbie. She was sick.
Wednesday: She wasn’t sick. She was sloppy.
Joel: What do you mean?
Wednesday: If I wanted to kill my husband, I’d do it – and I
wouldn’t get caught.
Joel: How?
Wednesday: I’d scare him to death.
Joel: No you wouldn’t.
He turns to the grave.
Joel: We’re all very sorry, Debbie. We wish you only the
best.
He places the flower on Debbie’s grave. Suddenly, a hand reaches up
through the dirt and grabs his wrist. He screams. Wednesday
smiles.
~~Erunaven