Members Jokes
Let us know your favourite jokes and we can add them to this page- go to "Contact Us" in the Navbar
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
Mick Mcdonagh at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'
3 lads in a lap dancing club were watching a buxom blonde gyrating on the pole. The Boro lad stuck £20 on her left buttock, not to be outdone the Maccum lad (Being the thickest of the lot) stuck £30 on her right buttock.The Geordie lad swiped his visa down the crack of her arse and took the £50 cash back.
FTM
Isaac the lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab
And said to Isaac,
'Got stuck, eh?'
Isaac replied, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
A history teacher asks a class full of kids "What was Churchill famous
for?"
Keith Barrass's son at the back shouts out "He was the last f...ing white man to be
called Winston!"
What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
The McCartneys
But really we shouldn't make fun of macca. After all will he ever find
another woman to fill her shoe? She never had a leg to stand on in court?
Micky Wells was so depressed last night that he rang the Samaritans.
He got through to a call centre in Pakistan.
and told them he was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if he could fly a plane......
Tad parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to him...
"Oi, what's your disability?"
He said "Tourette's syndrome! Now f..k off you c..t!"
Steven Wells is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him,
he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
"Excuse me do I know you?" Steven asks. "Yes I think you are the father of
one of my kids" she says..
Steven thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says
"F...ing hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate
whipped me.
"No" she replies "I'm your son's English teacher!"
Stevie P bought a round of drinks for all in the club and said that his Lass had just produced "a typical Delaval bairn" weighing twenty punds.
Two days later he returned to the club. Peter recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Delaval baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"
"Wey Eye Man!"
"How much does he weigh now asked Peter?"
Stevie P answered, "Ten punds."
Peter said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."
Stevie replied, "Just had him circumcised!"
Father Frier walks into the convent and sees sister Marlene washing the
kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground.
As he's shagging her the Mother Superior comes in.
"SISTER MARLENE!!!" she roars "Have some respect. Arch your back girl and
keep Father Frier's balls off the wet floor!!"
A man says to his wife "tell me something that will make me happy and
sad at the same time".
His wife replies "You've got a bigger c**k than your brother"
Les Middlemiss walked into the club comletely pissed for a change one day and, after staring for some time at the only Lass in the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him daft.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry pet. I thought you were wor Lass. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable arsehole!" she screamed.
"Funny," Les muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem Joe?"
Joe, "Err Err, I've got the farts Doctor. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Joe, "My farts are clean, do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for 10 minutes and I've farted seven times. You can't hear them and you can't smell them, can you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
Joe is thrilled "Err Err Great doc. This prescription, will it really stop my farting?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
