What's up Tenshi?

10/02/05

So life sucks balls right now. On my way to go drinking with Aimee and Justin on Saturday, while waiting at the train station, my boy calls me and breaks up with me, again. He said he just didn't feel the same but he still loves me. I guess it was a time management thing, but still, not really a clear answer. So it was really a cowardly way to do it, over the phone. He even told me to "try and have fun" while I was drinking with them. Right. . . I was really pissed and sad - pissed because I was crying and sad because it was happening again - but I went up to Kenosha anyway.

I didn't cry the entire time I was at the bar or make an ass of myself in some way. I sincerely tried to have fun, but I was more concerned with getting so hammered that I wouldn't be able to feel anything. Ultimately, I got so drunk that I didn't have the ability to feel anything at all, except drunk. As we had to leave and the buzz wore off, I began to get depressed. I really didn't want to end up crying again, but I did. When we got on the train, I hunched over and started to cry. I tried to be quiet about it so no one would be bothered with my noise, but Eric finally noticed and tried to console me. I cried the entire way back to Chicago, snotty and everything. When I got back to the house, all I could do was cry and scream at the top of my lungs to myself in the bathroom. Luckily, Mere and her parents were away on mini vacations so I didn't bug anyone. Well, except maybe Eric. After god knows how long of that crap, my head and eyes hurt so badly, I went to bed and tried to calm down enough to sleep. I would have felt pathetic about the whole thing if I wasn't so depressed about it.

The next morning I was massively hung over. It wasn't on accident either. After bouncing from the bathroom and the bedroom for a few hours, I took the dogs outside. About an hour after that. I pulled a Linda Blair and puked all the way from the bed to the toilet. I puked on the bed, my clothes, my backpack, the carpet, the floor outside of the room and all over and in front of the toilet. I had puke in between my toes, up my nose, and all over my face, amazingly though, not in my hair. After a quick shower, I started to clean up the mess and started to feel really bad for myself. Madre, surprisingly, actually made me feel a little better about the thing, and not tons worse like she usually does. I was still really depressed, but not everything seemed so pointless anymore. For lunch, I got salad and soup with Eric. We watched Plan 9 from Outer Space and I nearly fell asleep due to its very crappy nature. After a while I fell asleep again and did an outstanding job of not being crazy or calling boy.

Today, I continued to be depressed, but finally got to see the Corpse Bride. I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I wasn't all depressed. I was supposed to see it with boy, but I doubted he'd ever want to watch a movie with me for a long time. After that, I met up with Mere and Ed who did a piss poor job of cheering me up. When I told Ed, he had the most shocked look on his face, like I'd just slapped him with a tuna. It's kinda sad he was more surprised than I was about it. We went to go to 40-Year-Old Virgin, which I had seen with boy not a month ago. That depressed me, along with the idea of not having talked to boy for almost three days. It really started to bug me that he hadn't called. He should have at least called to see that I hadn't offed myself or something. Dill-hole. I called him about an hour ago, though. I was so afraid that he was mad at me or something. I couldn't stand the idea that he would be upset with me, even a little. I know that that's not something to really worry about in my position, but it's how I work. If he was mad at me, it would take him longer to call me of his own free will. I really don't wanna be "waiting by the phone" or anything, but like almost every other part of our relationship, I have to be the mature and patient one who tries to keep communication open. We didn't talk about anything important. Just that he was at work and his car was being uncooperative last night. At least he's had work to distract him. I still wonder what going through his head, but I don't think I'll ever really know.

******

As for Canada, it was not so much fun, but a lesson in international relations. The guy who interviewed me was very personable and basically told me that if I passed the English test, which was really hard, then I would get the job. Cross your fingers for me.

Life continues to sucks as boy has not called me back yet. I called him and left a message saying that I didn't want to yell at him or anything, I just wanted to see how he was/see that he's not mad at me, but the fact that he hasn't called me back irks me. I know Tuesdays are his busy days, but WTF? At least he should take a little responsibility for hurting me. I'm trying very hard not to be angry with him, which I have every right to be, but he's not helping by not calling me. Albeit he has more things to worry about than me, but he should be worrying about me at least moderately. Alright, I'll stop talking about that before I get angry.

I was at work for a few hours today. I work everyday except Saturday this week, so I am planning on drinking again on Friday night in Kenosha. Hopefully, that night won't be as bad as my last drinking night. We'll see.

So this morning was horrible. I woke up and couldn't stop crying, again. The fact that boy had not called me in two days really hurt my feelings. I take everything seriously concerning him anyway, I guess. I finally broke down and called him. I left a message saying something like: "Call me, I just want to talk." After an hour or so of more bawling, he called and was not very helpful. I asked him if he was mad at me and he said he wasn't, grudgingly. We chatted for a bit and he stayed silent while I went on about how much I was hurting. Since he was on a delivery, he had to hang up but said he'd "try" to call me back. After about 0 minutes he called back and complained about the woman he delivered to. At the end of that conversation, I felt a little better even though we didn't really talk about anything meaningful. I got up and took care of other things before I had to go to work; one of which was calling Kristin. After getting her answering machine, I left a message. She called me back right afterward and I told her the news. Since she is a mutual friend, I figured she'd be able to shed a little light on the situation, like how he was doing in school, if he was grumpy, etc. She didn't notice anything, but she cheered me up a little with her stoner laugh. She said she'd talk to him, in the girly sneaky way, to see if he'd tell her anything he wasn't telling me. . . and to yell at him for a bit. After all, he deserves it. What also made me feel better was that Kristin's current roommate, who was in a lot of boy's classes last year and who I'd met a few times through class, said she thought I was beautiful and didn't know why I was with my boy. It made me feel better in the superficial way, but bad for my boy. He isn't an ugly or bad guy; he's a kind, responsible, slightly unbalanced guy who just can't/doesn't want to deal with stress like more balanced people do. If he wasn't kind, I wouldn't have spend almost three years with him in the first place. Anyway, Friday Kristin, Eric and a bunch of other people are going drinking in Kenosha. I'm hoping that he will be willing to meet up with me and at least have a civil conversation with me so I can give him his necklace he broke which I said I'd fix.

At work, my boss gave me a couple goodies from the convention he went to: a Katamari light-up cel phone accessory and a copy of Genji. I need to buy Katamari at some point. . . Well, all the praise at work and gifts made me feel a little better, but by the end of the day, I was very tired. What would make me feel the best is if boy would call and have a decent conversation with me.

Life is getting better, but not very quickly. I'm still pretty sad about my boy being an ass, but at least now I know why. Here's how my weekend went:

On Friday, I met up with Kristin, Rose, Paige, and Aimee for a little drinking after work. Eric drove up and played DD, even though he didn't want to, which I appreciated. Half of the reason I went was to give my boy some stuff and get at least a hug. When we got to Coins, a crappy sports bar/dance floor, the others weren't even there. About 45 minutes later, they decided to show up. When Aimee, Eric and I finished our drinks, we headed over to the boathouse to have a drink and fries with Justin^2. Since we had to wait for the others so long, they weren't serving fries anymore, much to our dismay. As crappy as it was of us, we finished our drinks and headed back to Coins to party with the others, who were pretty drunk by the time we got there. The others were dancing around and having a fun time while Kristin talked to me about boy, who decided not to show up. Big surprise, right? I went to the bathroom after a couple more drinks and left boy an aggressive voice mail about why I wanted to meet him. Other silly things happened. Rose spanked me for a while, Kristin danced on me, and Paige was just drunk. Rose kept on saying that she and her friend always thought I was beautiful, "but not in a lezzy way". Kristin agreed with her and almost cried she was so upset over my situation. I thanked them a lot, but I'm not too good in those situations. A kid named Andre who went to Japan for a year came along and tried to speak in Japanese with me, but most of his words were drowned out in the noise. He seemed pretty nice and confident. After we all got kicked out, we went to a greasy spoon nearby and had mediocre food. While we were waiting for our food, boy called me and seemed in pretty high spirits, probably because he was drunk. He was going from one bar to a friend's house to drink some more. For the first time we said some important things. I told him I still loved him and that he didn't have to say it back and that I wanted to meet up at some point. He said he missed me and that he hasn't been sleeping well. Guess why. . . It ended on a good note so I wolfed down food and we left Kenosha.

On Saturday, I putzed around with a sore stomach, but it wasn't as bad as last week. Since I was invited to Mitsuwa by Justin, we made plans and met up there. Eric, Justin^2, Ryan, and I met up there to go get groceries. Afterward, we went by Sushi Station to meet up with Lee. I think it was the first time in a week I ate until I was full. It felt nice, but a bit uncomfortable. Regardless, it was to eat with my friends. We came across the subject of laptops so Lee had the idea to stop by Best Buy to find my laptop. We didn't find it so we went by Ikea, just because. Ryan picked up a couple stuffed rats and I tried a Lingonberry slushie. It wasn't bad. That night, my boy called me all depressed, of his own volition. I was very gratified that he called me. We discussed our feelings a bit. Mainly I spoke and he listened. It's so difficult to get him to open up when he's upset. Finally, he admitted that be broke up with me because he is so unsure about where his life is going. That post-graduation depression gripped him a little early, I guess. Although I suffered and survived my stint with it, thankful I had his love and support, apparently he doesn't invest that kind of faith in me. It seems a bit ungrateful of him to not let me help that much, but I may just be seeing it in the wrong way. In the end, I was very proud he called me and began to try and handle the situation. And, on a sappy note, I just like to hear his voice; know he's okay. I think the most mature I said, but didn't really want to admit was that I would love him for a long time, even if that love had to transcend into a different kind of love. After a while, my love will fade like a memory, but I want to be his friend for as long as I can. Through all of this crap, I still know he's a good guy. He just need to grow more as a person before he can fully love another person, be validated by their love, and allow himself to be loved completely. Crap, I'm making myself sad again. Above all, I tried to convey to him that I was there for him, day or night if he wanted someone to speak to because it's not good to keep everything inside. Also that you can't fully love another person before you are okay with yourself. Yada Yada. . .

Today, I had to work for a few hours with Mark, the assistant manager. He's a peppy guy that was just dumped my his GF, but he lives with her. I can't imagine the tension there. After work Eric and I went to On the Border, again. I wish there was a Chili's near us. . . I left my phone at work so I called boy to tell him he could call me at the house. I'm paranoid he'll actually talk me up on the offer of calling me in the middle of the night, which I'm sure won't happen. He was a work and thus busy thus not too interested in talking about anything other than how work annoys him.

Tomorrow I'll be contacted by ECC as to whether I got the job or not. I'm pretty sure I got the job being they sent me and email saying: "as you will be contacted by Tuesday October 11th with an offer from the recent ECC hiring session, could you please .. . ." which either means I got the job or they are really bad about their wording. We'll see.

One thing that really bugs me is that when boy broke up with me he said something like "It'll be okay. You'll get that job in Japan and you'll be fine." This victory doesn't make his hurtful act null. Even though it's something that has to be done for me to progress in my career, I hate that he used that as an example of how my life will get better. It will be the hardest thing I will ever do in my life, yet he acts like it'll be a joyride. I initially thought I was gonna go over there with him to back me up, to support me when I went to my classes the first day and everything goes wrong. I thought I could do it because he was there for me. I don't mean to belittle the love and support of my family and friends, but he was my rock, my stable piece of earth. How can I go over there now, without his care? I feel violently pushed away. I'm making myself sad again, damn it. I'll stop now.

Today when I got to work, I found a used blue DS that looked completely new! I'm desperately trying to get my manager to let me trade mine in for it, but I don't know if they'll let me. Grrrr.

I haven't heard from boy today, but I figure I'll give him a day off from me. I'm not sure whether or not I will go to Kenosha on Friday to meet Kristin's new boy. I want to go, but the party will be at boy's place and I really don't want to alienate him, or make an issue out of our problem. Yet, it still seems like a big waste of time and energy to just visit them all then leave before it gets awkward and weird. Maybe boy will talk to me enough before then to give me a clue as to how to proceed.

At 8:30 this morning, I woke up with the worst stomachache. From the extreme pressure I was feeling in it, I'm guessing it was gas. Madre insists it was food poisoning, but I was fine after some pepto and chilling out. I didn't get mush sleep after that. Between 10:30 and 11:15 I had a short dream about making out with myself. Freudian much?

At work today, my assistant manager essentially encouraged me to masturbate, which was odd, now that I look back on it. I could be really pissed about it, but there's no point. He's so frustrated it's funny.

During dinner I talked to Frosty for the first time in months. It made me happy to speak to an oldish friend like that. If all goes well he'll be in Japan when I get there so Christy and I will have someone else to drink with. Hoorah!

I'm still pretty sad about everything, but I'm trying to to think about it too much. I believe I have dwelt on it enough for the past couple weeks. Reality is weighty, but it does settle you into an appropriate rut.

Ha ha! I got people to join MySpace! I feel evil now. Now I have twice as many friends. Is that sad?

Today I found out I got into ECC, but have no idea when I'm going over. Sucks for me. I hate anticipation. I'm still not in a good enough place to feel happy about it. The inner me, who I recently found out I make out with (see previous blog entry), is excited by it, but what does she know. More details later in the day...

That's all I know so far. The first two things do imply a large amount though. Here's what 1 & 2 mean to me:

3) All of my spare money from now until I leave will go to my nest egg for my first month in Japan in which I will not get any money. (The company said it would be good to have $1500 or more for that first month, but who are they kidding.)

I have to admit that I'm not terribly excited to hear the news. I don't know whether it's just anticlimactic at this point or if I'm just too melancholy to appreciate it. Either way, I'll be shipping of in 2-5 months and I'll have to save up as such money as possible.

Today at work, I didn't do too terribly much after my coworkers left. I knew I should have done something, but alas, I was too preoccupied with other things. Wednesday, I'm planning on going to Kenosha to drink with friends. Hopefully boy will at least meet with me for some idle conversation and a beer.

Yesterday, I went to the bar with Eric, Aimee, and Justin, but had to play the DD. It was pretty boring at first, but turned out to be pretty dramatic. When we got there, everyone had a drink and I watched some TV. If I had known that people from boy's frat were there, I wouldn't have come at all. In the end, they didn't talk to me, so I did them the same favor. Plus I don't like them anyway for various reasons. They left after an hour and proceeded to call boy to tell him I "ignored" them all. So when I call boy to make sure he didn't want to meet up, he was very surly with me. It ended up upsetting me enough that I didn't talk to anyone when I got back inside. I hate making a big deal out of my feelings in front of other people, so this bugged me even more. After about 10 minutes, he called me back asking "if I really wanted to talk" with lots of hostility in his voice. I told him that I didn't want to talk if he was going to be hostile about it. We ended up talking for about 40 minutes about us and his feelings about his future. He became so upset, that it hurt so much to hear such pain in his voice. The whole situation was so unfair. While he was saying that sometimes he felt that I could be his soul mate, he was also saying that I nagged him a lot. It was more that obvious that he is very confused about his feelings. Near the end of our conversation, he returned to being irritated and I told him to call me if he felt like it.

Today, when I was getting out of work, he called me and said that we needed to find a time to exchange stuff. Apparently he found a pair of my underwear at his place. I'm not sure how it's gonna go, but all I want to really do is make sure he knows that he can call me whenever he needs someone to talk to. He shouldn't have to hold all of his emotions inside, not even little shit. I worry about him.

Tomorrow, I have to work in the morning because one of my coworkers has to take his daughter to the eye doctor. I get more hours this way, but less sleep. Either way, I'll be apprehensive about this coming meeting.

After work today, I got a call from Lee. Surprisingly, he wanted to run by Fry's for no particular reason other than to see if they had my laptop. Luckily, we met up at Mitsuwa and scarfed down some sushi before heading to Fry's. When we got there, it was magnificent! It was as large as a department store, but way cooler. Not long after we made our way to the laptop section, I found my laptop! I found it on the Fry's website initially. As soon as I saw it, I knew it was meant to be mine. If it had arms, it would have grabbed my hand and not let go. The screen was 17" of gorgeousness. The outside was a nice silver and the keypad was nicely spaced out. (Sigh) It was so beautiful. Hopefully, my mother will agree to still pay for half of it and the fry's card will cover the rest.

In other news, I bought We (heart) Katamari today. It's more fun than I imagined. Everyone should enjoy Japanese oddities at one point or another. I caught myself thinking, "I didn't know those particular five colors could go together".

The dogs kept me awake for an hour this morning so I ended up getting out of bed rather late. Work was uneventful and I played Katamari for an hour this evening. Nothing really happened today worth noting. And boy hasn't called for two days.

On Tuesday I'll be able to send out my paperwork for ECC. Another step forward in an odd direction. Everyone I talk to is so excited for me that I got this job, but I'm not really excited about it. I need to save almost everything I make for a nest egg, laptop, and business apparel. Madre said that she would make sure that Larry and her would take care of whatever I couldn't get before I leave. With the holidays coming up, I'm hoping that the money I make from the Thanksgiving/Christmas season will be sufficient for the majority of my nest egg. Le Sigh. With all of this to worry about, I'm not sure I'll ever get together with people when I have to pay for anything. It's selfish being I'm so far away from everyone, but I need to save money more than anything. I know I splurged when I bought Katamari and Nightmare Before Christmas: Boogie's Revenge, but I felt that I hadn't bought myself anything in about a month for fun. Also, I need lots of distractions now. It has been a couple weeks since the whole mess, but it still hurts. Although it's not my fault, it will still hurt for a long time. There's no way I could be optimistic about anything but my future laptop and sushi.

So, ummmmm, how do I put this? WHAT THE FUCK?! I'm trying to figure out what the hell boy is thinking. Today, while I was at work, he called and left a message saying he misses me and that he missed my voice. Because I'm still in love or what have you, I felt all fuzzy about it. After a while, I called him back and we talked about his day and everything. So for once, he seemed happy on the phone. In turn, this made me very happy. I began to think that we really could be stable friends. After a bit of phone tag, since he was at work, we talked about our lives of recent. Hearing about the party they had, I was glad I didn't show up because of the visits from the police (noise violations). I neglected to mention the ECC situation because things are so sensitive at this point in time. Well into the conversation, he offered to take me out to see Waiting if I had time this week. Luckily, I have three free days this week in which to putz. Anyway, in the conversation he mentioned going home with him to see his dog, paying for the movie, and sexy showers, which leads me to conclude that he wants to get back together. This confuses me deeply.

What in the hell is he thinking? After all this crap, he expects me to come running back to him because he offers to take me to a movie? Things aren't that simple. Even though I think that if two people love each other nothing can keep them apart if their love is that strong (It seems like a Hollywood perception, but that's how it feels to me) the world doesn't like to make it possible in practice. Even if I feel this strongly, it didn't seem enough to him the other night. He kept thinking of things that should keep us apart: the fact that my friends don't like him (they don't really know him thus don't have an opinion), the fact that I don't like his friends (for the most part, his real friends are nice while the fraternity people he doesn't like I don't like also), the fact that we have no time to see each other (we actually do, but it's not much and takes lots of planning, primarily on my part), the fact that he wants to have kids and I do not (which is basically true but who knows, in the future, I may lose my mind), the fact that he will one day go bald and I won't love him anymore (this idea pissed me off, the idea that he thinks I'm that shallow), the fact that he's going to grad school next year, and finally the fact that sooner or later, I will be going to Japan. . . The last of which is the only valid point he had in my opinion. The other ones I'm not mentioning aren't worth mentioning or were said in frustration so I don't want to think about them. In the end, who knows what he's thinking? All I know is that if he wants to get back together, he needs to do some serious apologizing and kissing ass. . . and gift giving. . . .and more kissing ass. I can't deny that I still love him, but I can also not deny that I am also very apprehensive about our relationship. I know I can not simply take him back after a movie and a little cuddling. Along with letting myself down that way, I will have none of my friend's support. Since I have not let everyone know about our breaking up, it won't be a huge brouhaha if we get back together. Mere, Eric, Ed, and my mother will be mad at me if we get back together, but as my boss puts it, "it only matters how Ms. Brittany feels about it". Sigh. Oh well, we may not even get back together. It may just end up being a friendly movie date. . . or something.

Tomorrow, I'm planning on making a pouch for my DS, waiting for the UPS guy to bring my diploma, and getting paperwork together. My mother for some reason sent my diploma out registered mail so I have to be home for them to deliver it. Erg. At least I get a day off for it. I've been planning on making a small black burrito for my DS since before I got it. A couple months ago, I made a case for Lee's Go set out of a black material and it ended up looking like a black burrito. Apparently, a lot of people who have seen it like it. I could have made it a bit better, but it was my first try and the first time I had sewn in about eight or nine months. Overall it was a successful endeavor.

Tuesday, I have to work for a few hours, then I have Wednesday and Thursday off. Wednesday I'll go see boy. Friday and Saturday I have to work again. Then a whole new week of fun! Friday I'll get paid and have to think about a whole new month of bills. To make matters worse, I'll probably be ragging then. Miff.

Today, I'm going to meet with boy for the first time in three weeks. Almost unnecessarily apprehensive, I know that things will end at least on a modest note. Nothing horrible will happen, hopefully. All I want is an apology. . . and lots of sucking up.

I guess I'm helplessly lost in the whole thing. I'm drowning in finding some reminisce of normalcy before I leave. I know life will go on after I leave, whether I like it or not, but I want to make a good last impression. I don't know on who, but I guess I just don't want people to be glad I'm gone. Mere will be glad; she'll get more of her space back. Eric will be happy; he'll have more money to spent on himself ^.^. Who knows who else.

There's so many things to think about, to prepare for. Clothes, a laptop, e-mails, packing, goodbyes. I just have to remain optimistic. I'll do my best to prepare. Stupid bills.

A few hours ago, my boss called me and asked if I could come and work an extra 4 hours tomorrow. Although it's a 8.5 hours workday, I'm sure I'll get enough break time. . . right? Whenever he calls me, I know it's gotta be something about the schedule. At least he's consistent.

Yesterday, I took the train up to go see boy for the first time in almost three weeks. As I've recently stated, I had mixed feelings about it. These mixed emotions followed me up on the train and continued for a few hours. When he picked me up, he seemed happy to see me, but still messed up on the inside. We made idle chatter and I tried as best I could to act happy in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere. Since neither of us was hungry, we skipped dinner and sat around boy's apartment living room with his two gay roommates. They're not really gay, but they made a couple gay quips at each other that ended up being more amusing than offensive. One of his roommates is a salesman, thus naturally untrustworthy, and a skanky manwhore to boot. I'm sure he would enjoy the epitaph. The other one is a nice guy, but not too bright. Overall they're not bad people, just in their 20's, with all the self-esteem issues and drama that ensues. They joked around a bit as boy and I didn't talk to each other that much. After about 2 hours and most of Wayne's World 2 later, we headed to the movie. Before the movie, we chatted some more and I tried to relax as much as possible. Things seemed a bit less stressed out. The movie Waiting was a good choice. After the movie, we headed back to his place where we sat around for another 2 hours and watched Sideways. Although it was slow, the tension rose again after his roommates got back from the bar and one made a comment about us making out. Wow, that was uncomfortable. The movie ended and we were both tired so we went to bed. He offered to sleep on the sofa, but we hadn't talked about anything important yet, so I figured it would be best for us to deal with things first. At first, we just hugged. It was a nice feeling, but didn't really resolve anything. To make a long story short, we got back together, but he knows he's in big trouble with me. I told him he owes me lots of compliments, something material I can look at while we are away from each other to remind me of him, and lots of $#%&!^%#?#. He said that the thing he wants to buy me is expensive and he'll have to save up for a while to get it for me. And he says he wants to buy me a puppy. It makes me warm and fuzzy on the inside. Since he hadn't said it by the middle of our talk, I told him he had to said two words to me. "I'm" (which Greg, Mere's boy, pointed out is two words in itself, but I don't care) PLUS something that starts in an "s" and doesn't end in "exy". After a moment he said "I'm stupid?" I laughed and told him he was close.

This afternoon, we went to Taco Bell and talked about Psychology, since he's taking it for a class right now. He sat on the side of the lake and watched the fisherman while we waiting for my train. It finally felt like a normal day again. After I got back, I sat around with Eric and played Katamari for a while. It was fun. I'll miss these lazy days in a couple months.

In the end, no one yet is mad at me for getting back together with boy, but I'm not jumping at the opportunity to tell Madre. She will be disappointed in my decision, but she can pout all she wants about it. I'm worried that she compares my relationship to boy to her relationship with her past ex's. Ick. Just because she has a horrible relationship for 16 years or whatever doesn't mean I have to. Miff.

Last night I went to the Boathouse and hung out with Eric and Aimee. To my surprise, boy came out and hung out with us. After a couple of drinks, we headed home to go to sleep. The apartment was empty so we sat on the couch and watched TV. Being we were both pretty tired, we soon after went to bed to snuggle for a bit before trying to fall asleep. As most things go, right before we could fall asleep, everyone who came in for Homecoming returned to the house to walk around the creaky apartment and have loud sex. Around 5 a.m., people quieted down enough for us to fall asleep. Soon after, a couple who we assumed to be people we knew, started to have sex. One of whom we believed to be one of boy's roommates started to moan rhythmically, sounding awfully like a baby seal being clubbed slowly to death . . . for 45 minutes. Neither of us could fall asleep so we turned on the TV and didn't watch it. The noise didn't help to drown out the obscene moaning. Geez, how long does it take for a desperate drunk guy to come? Seriously. Somehow, we got about 5 hours of sleep until everyone woke up at 10. Fuckers.

I had to go to work at 1 so we headed out and I went in for a crappy day of work. When I took in a bunch of video games and such, I forgot to put a couple things in the computer and thus shorted a customer a bit of money. I would have felt bad about it, but the kid was not very nice, to say the least. My assistant manager berated me for it since I had done something similar yesterday. Boo. when I went to close today, there were 8-12 people in the store. I was dealing with a couple customers, so I had to warn the rest of the customers I had to close up, so they had to leave. I said something to the effect of "as of now that store is closed so if you're not going to buy anything, please leave". I thought I was pretty polite about it until some mother stood right outside of the door and complained about how I was the rudest bitch to ever work retail for 5 minutes. and she called me a "woman"! I look like I'm 17 years old! Who is she calling a "woman"? Because I'm so used to being nice to people I don't necessarily like to deal with, I felt bad about it. I called my boss and told him about the situation. He didn't seem to be too surprised and told me not to worry about it. After that, it took me the whole 30 minutes to close. After Eric picked me up, I realized I forgot to do something important at work. My day ended up being so bad, that I decided to clean up my room. Then to organize my room . . . Then to write a to do list for the things I need to do/buy before I go to Japan . . . And then I began to get a little panic attack. Now that I'm back together with boy, the idea of being away from him in almost unbearable. I'm a sap, I know. And neurotic. Not really, just overwhelmed. Am I really going to be able to do this? Go to Japan by myself for a whole year? Of course I am, but it seems to be a bit much to ask now that my boy finally understands our relationship and how much we need each other. I know I'll be back to visit at least twice, maybe three times, but AHHHHH! Erg.

Next month, three games I want come out: Suikoden 5, Suikoden Tactics, and Magna Carta. Oh, I'll be soooo poor next month. I'm going to return the nightmare game I got for credit toward Suikoden 5. I bet I'll be the only one to reserve it. If I'm lucky it will come with some sort of perk. (Crosses fingers)

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. And did I mention what the fuck?

Now that that's out of the system, I can talk about other things like how I'm mad that Suikoden V is being pushed back to February. That just makes me mad, like the Hulk mad.

Anyhoo, work was really long and boring today. Aside from getting the dog from Harvest Moon because he's been in a drawer for almost a year, nothing especially fun happened. Back to work tomorrow!

I'm supposed to go see boy tomorrow night after I get off of work, but I'll be getting in really late. Just being able to go see him is worth the time and effort. I'm such a softy sometimes. And that lady called me a bitch!

This week has been pretty boring. Aside from working, hanging out with boy a bit, nothing really fun is going on. Tonight I was supposed to crash a party, but Mere doesn't want to go and I don't wanna spend money on booze.

My right wrist is really hurting me now. I'm hoping to get into the doctor's office sometime early next week so she can look at it. Great, more money to spend that I don't have. Man, typing with my left hand takes a long time.

Boy is co-hosting a Halloween party at his place tonight with all kinds of people. I don't want to go, but I would have appreciated being with him in my state. Sigh. Our anniversary is Monday night/Tuesday morning and we won't together for that either since I have to work both days. At least that gives me some time to find him a gift.