Ted Anthony Roberts

An Upcoming Goofy-Swashbuckling Project

THE ADVENTURES OF

Le Marquis D'Iddelly du Squatt

A Swashbuckling Comedy

by: Ted Anthony Roberts

If there is any resemblance of any fictional characters in this story to any persons living or dead: THEN IT IS A MIRACLE!!

Europe, mid-1700's, the time of Swashbuckling heroes!

And here is a short description of our hero:

handsome,

a swashbuckler,

having the soul of a poet,

a figure of romance,

daring,

courageous,

a man of iron,

humble,

witty,

a great lover of women,

and an all around good fellow -

and this is just exactly how he imagined himself to be at breakfast this morning!!!!

But, what is he like, really?

Well, friends, this remains to be seen . . . .

P.S.: After reading this, you may want to read a real story to get your brain functioning once again!!!!

Chapter 1

Let us introduce the Marquis

"Your majesties," said a heavy-set man, who is in his mid-forties, "allow me to introduce to you the famous Marquis D'lddelly du Squatt."

A skinny, tall man bows to their majesties.

"So," says the king, "this is the Marquis I keep hearing about. Extraordinary! Not at all what I expected - considering your reputation and all. They say you are a Frenchman."

"Exactly so, your majesty." said the Marquis in consent.

"But how can that be?" asked the queen, a bit confused. "Your name ends with the title Squatt. Is that not an English name?"

"Quite so, your majesty. D'lddelly is my maiden name."

"What!" their majesties exclaimed in sequence.

"It's true." he continued. "When I married, I took on my wife's name - she being a Marquise and all."

"Oh." said her majesty, a bit wide-eyed.

"And who is this lovely young lady you are with." asked the king.

"This is my sister-in-law," D'lddelly said, pointing out the beautiful young woman. "Madame du Squatt."

"Did you say Pott?" asked the king.

"No - Squatt. Though she often squats on the pot Ha! Ha! . . . ouch!" he yells in slight pain, as Madame du Squatt elbows him in the ribs.

Trying to ignore the strange comment, the king introduces someone nearby. This is the Duke of Merit."

"Ah! Dukey" says the Marquis, bowing.

The Duke began to bow, but after hearing his title being expressed as "Dukey", he eyes the young man with slight contempt

"And this is the Duke's daughter - Elizabeth." continues the king.

"Ah!" cries the Marquis, once again, at seeing the lovely young lady. "It seems that the Dukey has a Dukette." He grabs the lady's hand and kisses it. But as his lips advance towards the lovely hand, his head whips towards it so fast that as soon as his kiss is being delivered, a white cloud of smoke issues forth from his wig, and lands directly on the young girl's face, making her appear as white as a ghost!

She can say nothing, but her mouth comes wide open, and her eyes bulge to their extent

"My dear," says the Marquis to her, in an undertone after seeing her extremely white face - covered with whatever issued off from his wig, "allow me to point out to you that it may be best not to use so much powder on your face the next time you're doing your toilet. It may help your looks a little better."

"Marquis!" yelled the queen. "I think you have used a little too much powder on your wig."

"I have no idea what you are talking about, your majesty," he said, looking at her nonchalantly, "I have no powder on my wig." At this, the small assembly fell silent.

"I hear, sir," said the Duke of Merit to the Marquis, "that you are quiet an extraordinary fencer."

"Who, sir?" asked D'lddelly.

"You, sir." answered the Duke.

"Me, sir?"

"You, sir."

"No, sir."

"Yes, sir."

"I see, sir.. .. Who was that you said, sir?"

"Why, you, sir."

"You addressed me, sir?"

"You, sir."

"Me, sir?"

"Yes, you, sir."

"I don't think so, sir."

"Yes, sir."

"No, sir."

"Tis true, sir."

"You don't say, sir."

"I do, sir."

"I see, sir."

"And accept, sir?"

A moment of silence.

"Accept what, sir?"

"That it is true, sir."

"True about who, sir?"

"That it is true about you, sir."

"Who, me, sir?"

"Yes, you, sir."

"Me? For what, sir?"

"For what we are discussing, sir."

"Oh, I see, sir."

"Finally accept, sir?"

"Yes, sir."

"GREAT!, sir."

Another moment of silence.

"I accept what, sir?"

And yet another moment of silence.

"Oh - never mind, sir!"

"Very well, sir."

The king broke into the conversation: "Yes, Marquis, we have all heard what a great fencer that you are."

"Oh! Fencer. Is that what the Dukey has been talking about?" Then he turns to the Duke with a slight frown: "Why didn't you say so in the first place?"

The Duke said not a word, but knitted his brows bitterly.

"Yes, a fencer." continued D'lddelly. "I must admit, I have a fair hand at it"

"You're modest, sir." said the Queen. "We hear that you are the best fencer in Europe. Perhaps in the entire world!"

"Oh, I wouldn't go that far .... Well, maybe in Europe."

"And perhaps you would like to demonstrate with me, sir?" said the Duke, quiet to the point of impatience.

"What, now?" asked the Marquis.

"Unless you are afraid!"

"Afraid of fencing? You cannot be serious, Dukey. I have fenced hundreds of times!"

"Hundreds?" asked the Duke, a bit wide-eyed.

"Give or take a couple hundred."

"Then you must indeed be good."

"Well," said the Marquis, grinning, while shaking his head proudly, "I cannot complain."

The Duke seemed a bit hesitant

The Marquis started whispering in his sister-in-law's ear: "I cannot believe that these people are making such a big deal about putting up a few fences. I have been building fences for happy homes for many years."

"Be easy with them, Marquis," Madame du Squatt whispered back to him, "they are city-folk, what do they know?"