LOSING MY BALL…LOSING THE PLOT…GETTING BACK ON TRACK  

“SO SORRY, YOU HAVE CANCER”, he said.  I wanted to run out the door and keep on running forever and a day.  I wanted to scream but just sat there silent and let the doctor do the talking.  I felt like I was 5 again and starting school – not knowing what was going to happen next and meeting lots of new faces.  Once the doctor explained everything I said “can I go now?  I need to tell my Mum”

Suddenly getting told you have cancer was the easy part telling my Mum was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  Having no brothers or sisters or Dad, Mum and I are very close.

Got home she was waiting, she was brilliant, she said “together with the hospital we will beat this”.

I was only in hospital overnight, the staff were fantastic.  Next came the horrid part; chemo.  Six weeks of gruelling treatment.  I was very sick and things tasted awful.  Mum kept saying “I know its horrible but it will make you all better”.  I couldn’t have got through my treatment without my Mum.  I felt that people stared at me.

Treatment was finished.  I was bald, skinny and feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t look like myself at all, normally bright and breezy with thick dark hair now I had none and I looked pale. I started to worry about being away from work and not earning money.  I was starting to find it real hard to bounce back.  Kept visiting my GP for sick lines but I never wanted to admit I felt depressed, looking back they could probably tell by looking and listening to me.

At my lowest ebb I called T.CAS.  It took me a few days to call, I guess I didn’t like the idea of phoning a support group.  When I finally did phone I spoke to a lady called Elizabeth, she reassured me that all that I was feeling was normal.  At first it was really strange to talk to a Lassie about losing a ball but once I started to talk she made me feel comfortable.  I talked to her for ages on the phone that night.  Several phone calls later, we met and had lunch.  She got me to write down everything that was important to me and helped me get back on track.

Things are getting better now, I’m back to work and living life to the full.  Never goes a day I don’t think about the time I had cancer.  But now I look back and say I have beaten it!!!  I still go for regular check ups to the hospital.  They do look after you at the hospital.

I would just like to say one more thing, if you are ever in the situation that I was in please don’t sit silent like I did, ask questions.  At first I was terrified to know what was going to happen but with the help and encouragement from others I learned to deal with my cancer.

Dedicated to Mum love Jim

Kevin Ritchie, My time with Testicular cancer.

It all started about six months before I took myself to the doctors. I started to feel a bit uncomfortable when playing golf with my brother and my friend. As I was walking round the course my right ball would ache and feel a bit heavier than normal. I didn’t say anything at first but the lads would say to me, “leave yourself alone or it will fall off”. We would all laugh about it and make jokes about “balls”. A short time later I was aware that it was affecting me at my work, as I am a self employed Joiner this was no good. I had mentioned this to Fiona (girlfriend) as we had been living together for a few years and been seeing each other for longer it was not a problem to talk about this kind of thing. After making an appointment with my GP I told the lads about it and thought it was just a strain or I had over stretched myself somehow. So on the golf course or while we were Mountain biking the jokes flew thick and fast about how my balls were going to get chopped off by the doctor. Little did I know that our jokes were about to become reality!

So it was time to get them out for inspection by the doctor, I felt really embarrassed about doing this, but as GP’s see this all the time he made me feel relaxed and it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. He made an appointment for me at the Western to have a scan. A few weeks past and once again it was time to get em out! I did not feel worried because, as I said, it was just a strain. I was called through to a small room where a doctor told me to drop my trousers and hop on the table. He checked me just like the way a pregnant woman would be with the scanner and some lubricant. As quick as it started it was over. He then told me to go to the next room where an expert doctor would talk to me. This was the time I felt embarrassed because I thought he was going to tell me that it was just a strain and that I was just being over cautious. A few other people came into the room with the doctor. He then totally devastated me and screwed up my whole world by telling me that he was very sorry but he had some bad news for me. I took a huge gulp of air and somehow knew what he was going to say; there it was “YOU HAVE CANCER. We don’t know how far on it is but you will need to have an operation to remove it “.  If that wasn’t bad enough he then said there were traces of cancer cells in my left one as well. This was all too much for me and I then started to cry and splutter, all I could think about was how am I going to tell Fiona about this, how is she going to cope when I’m gone. The only thing I could think to say to the doctor was “am I going to die?” If it was not for the reassurances of Mr Hargreave and Sheila Liggat I think that losing the plot was on the cards that day. Once I had calmed down a bit they told me that there was a very good cure rate for that kind of cancer. I then said, “Fiona needs to know as soon as possible”. Making that phone call took all my mental will power that was left in me. I told Fiona that there was a problem with my sperm and they wanted a sample and could she come to the hospital to be with me. This was only to keep her calm while driving from work. When Fee arrived I had calmed down a bit myself, so I began to say what was going on but Fee like myself seemed to already know. It was half way threw telling her that she burst into tears and just held on to me. “Don’t worry,” I said, “I won’t leave you”.  It was this statement and seeing how Fiona looked at me that has helped me stay very strong threw all of this! We then went back up to speak to Mr Hargreave.

Sitting in that room the feelings going round my head were crazy.  I have never felt so alone and scared shitless in my life. I was told that the possibility of loosing both balls was quite high and for this to happen at the same time was quite rare. With this in mind I had to give sperm samples a few hours later. If the sample had no sperm and just fluid in it they would operate the very next day. As it was there were sperm in my sample so the date for operating was a week later as my cancer was quite well advanced.  During that week I gave three samples for storage to use if we eventually wanted to have children. The only way to find out if I had to loose both was during the operation. Tests would be done on my left as I was asleep.

After leaving hospital later that day I had the dire task of telling my Mum, Dad and brother. This was hard for all of them; I don’t know how I would react if it were one of them telling me this! My friends took it hard too, as we are all quite close. I am the type of person that if I was to sit in the house knowing this kind of thing I would go crazy, so back to work next day.  So a week past and it was the day of my operation. By this time I just wanted to get in there and get on with it. I was shown to my bed in the ward. From there it all happened very fast. I said to Fiona that I would see her at visiting time, she gave me a kiss and told me how proud she was of me as I was being gowned. During the operation they found that it would be too risky to leave any of my left ball in me. As I was aware of this being a possibility, both balls were removed. I had cosmetic balls put in so that on looking down on myself it would look normal. I have two quite big scars on my groin but rather that than maybe not being here at all.

My visit in hospital lasted 4 days. Everyone always says this but the staff were ALL great and answered all my questions, if the nurse could not help the Docs had the answers. I was given plenty pain killers and for the most part kept pretty comfortable. So it was time to go home. Fiona looked so pleased that I was on my feet and ready to go. I, on the other hand, was a little bit scared because there would be no nurses to call upon if I had any problems. When we were home recuperating came quite easy as I felt quite strong within myself. It was hard climbing the stair at first but it got easier as I got stronger. Fiona was, and still is, a rock for me as I think she put going crazy and feeling sorry for myself (although it happened) into perspective. My family was great and came up to see us quite a lot. My friends took lots of time to phone and came to see me. People don’t think this but family and friends play a big part of getting better. It’s not just about the cuts healing; it’s about the scars in your head too! So to Fiona, my Family and friends, Thank You! And to anyone reading this with Testicular Cancer don’t be afraid of this, you can beat it with their help - You are NOT alone.

I took just over two months off my work. Going back to my job was hard in some ways because I felt that everyone was looking at me and saying, “That’s the lad who has cancer”. But as I worked with my younger brother Keith and our mate Craig they made me feel very safe and filled me with my usual confidence. As people started to ask me questions (whether out of kindness or just to gossip) I told them as it was because being soft about it wasn’t going to help me in the long run.

 While still at my work I started my three weeks of Radiotherapy. Before the treatment started I was given a full body scan to see if the cancer had spread or not - luckily the scan was normal (yippee).  I then had to be put on the simulator which involved having four tiny tattoo’s pin pricked on my sides and chest, this was to mark the area where the treatment was required. You can’t see the dots unless you know what you are looking for. I have to say this but I found the treatment very hard as I was sick! I had to be just about forced to leave from work to go to be zapped. The three weeks seemed to take an eternity, but finally it was over and Fiona and myself opened the milk to celebrate, as alcohol would have only made me sick! It took me a while to get over feeling mildly sick and all through the therapy I could not get enough water down my neck. I was told to drink lots anyway but it was a bit over the top how much water I wanted to drink. After many blood tests with examinations and chest x-ray’s I now see my oncologist every three months for this.

Because my balls were removed I don’t produce any testosterone, so medication to replace this is needed. To those who don’t now about this, testosterone is a male hormone that makes a man a man. Things like facial hair growth, deep voice and most importantly enthusiasm for life. This is for the rest of my life so it is important to get the right amount into my system. A lack of this is hard for me to deal with, I feel quite down and very tired. It seems to bring on every negative emotion, which is not a good thing for everyone concerned. I find myself being impatient with people and can’t control this. The levels after fifteen months of treatment seem to be getting very close to my normal testosterone requirements, which feels good! I must say that it has been hard getting there.

 This is only my experiences and other people will react differently to the operations and Radiotherapy.  If sharing my experience helps anyone else in a similar situation to me then I’m glad that I’ve told my story.

I came out of the shower and asked my wife if she thought one of my balls had gotten bigger she said that she noticed that about a week earlier but thought it was the angle she was looking at me .Ive always had one that’s a good bit larger which I had checked around 1989/1990 the doctor said it was quite normal after he examined me so when my right ball got even bigger harder and felt heavy I started to worry so my wife made an appointment with my GP little did I know is that what my GP told me was a little white lie which I could only thank him for when I look back on it he told me he thought it was fluid but later I was told by one of the other GPS that he feared it was Cancer.

Three weeks later I attended my local Hospital me and my wife were quite relaxed even having time to sit and laugh at the nurses trying to find a room for the Doctor .I was the first patient in and within 5 minutes the nightmare began he told me he didn’t like the look of it and wanted it scanned right away .I came out told my wife we were then taken upstairs where I waited a while stunned and shittin it. I went in for the ultrasound lying there hoping that nothing would show up she said the results would be sent to my GP I said no the Doctor who examined me wants them today she then asked if we wanted a room to wait but I said no we would just go back downstairs and wait.After about 15 minutes we were called back in by the Doctor sat down and told that I had a Tumour and that he would remove it the following Tuesday. All I could think about was what’s my chances which he then explained that what I had had a very high success rate.

Then came the best bit telling my Mum and Dad  Mother in law and worst of all my son. Mother in law first tears hugs and told it will be alright then sitting waiting for my son to come home from school. He came in looked at us all red eyed whats wrong I didn’t hide anything from him. His reply was don’t worry Dad that’s what Alan Stubbs had and look at him now.

Mum and Dad next that was hard seeing my mum go in histerics and my Dad sitting speechless .

Monday I went into the Queen Margaret Hospital Dunfermline got the chest x-rays bloods taken.I didn’t sleep much that night but I remember lying awake about 5.30am when the nurse came in with a pile of linen laid it down and said Alan son you’d be as well getting showered you are first on the list.

After the shower I sat in the sitting room staring out of the window till about 8.15am I thought I better go back in im first on the list.After the op I was surprised how little pain I was in.The next morning the Doctor came around said that the op went well and that I would get out that day and that he would arrange a CT scan. Was later told the scan would be on the Friday that afternoon a nurse came in laid a large jug down and said drink that you are going for your scan at 3.30pm. I sh*t it all I could think of was F*ck whats wrong I was told it was Friday. I went right on the phone to Helen told her to come right along. When she came in she asked the nurse if anything was wrong she was told no there had been a cancellation. After the scan I couldn’t get out fast enough Helen was about running to keep up.

The next 3 weeks were about the worst waiting for scan results and my appointment for the Western General. Sleepless nights no appetite just thinking will I live or die and the thought of leaving you’re wife and son behind. I got the scan results over the phone CLEAR great news then 14 days later a visit to the Western General Cancer Centre. Where I had an appointment with DR Howard where he explained that the type of Cancer I had was Seminoma and that it was probably had all been removed in Theatre. He offered Radiotherapy as a precaution just in case the tiniest of cells had got away whilst in Theatre. We were then taken away and had explained to us what was going to happen next. First I had to go to the simulator where I got marked up for my treatment with small dots which lets the Radiographer know where to treat you.

The first day of treatment I had everything explained to me and was given anti sickness tablets. The first couple were fine just felt a little sick then on the 3^rd day I was told they were having problems lining me up for treatment and that I had to go back on the simulator. The thought of having to go back on that machine really upset me. I hated the thought of people looking inside me what if they find something the same when they took blood. The night before I had to go back on the simulator I was looking at leaflets that I got from the Hospital. One was for TCAS I phoned and got Elizabeth Young to talk to someone who has an understanding of Cancer and understood what I was feeling was a great help.

The next day I went back on the simulator came out went on another table x-rayed to make sure everything lined up then on another for my treatment. By the time I got home I felt sick before long I was being violently sick. Helen phoned the Hospital they said that they would change my anti sickness pills the next day or try my GP to see if they could prescribe them. Helen ran all over Kirkcaldy but no Chemist had them eventually she got them in Dunfermline at the Queen Margaret Hospital. That was the lowest point of my treatment for the next 3 weeks we went back and forth for my treatment most days I lay on the Radiotherapy bed saying to myself come on you B*STARD do you’re work.

I am now on 3 monthly check ups back at work walking my dogs swimming playing golf just enjoying things that I took for granted.

The one thing I’ve learnt is never to be afraid or embarrassed about seeking help this has come from talking to Elizabeth and Steve from TCAS who have been a tower of strength and support to me and my wife. I have now learned to put things into perspective Elizabeth once said to me put the length of time you are getting treatment into life and HOPEFULLY its just a small length of time.

                                  Thanks to all my friends and family

                                   For their support because we all need it.    ALAN DAVIES.