Owd ‘Oss Mummers – April 1986 Version

Cast:    Fool

            St. George

            Slasher

            Doctor

            Prince of Paradine

            King of Eqypt

            Hector

            Beelzebub

            Little Devil Doubt

(Enter Fool)

Fool               Make room brave gentlemen and let our actors come,

                        At the sound of the trumpet and the beat of the drum.

                        We are the merry actors that traverse the street.

                        We are the merry actors that fight for our meat.

                        We are the merry actors that show pleasant play.

                        Step in St. George, thou champion and clear the way.

(Enter St George)

St. George     I am St. George, who from old England sprung.

                        My famous name throughout the world has rung.

                        Many brave dees and wonders I’ve made know

                        And false tyrants tremble on their throne.

                        But a man to equal me I’ve never found.

(Enter Slasher)

Slasher           I am a valiant soldier and slasher is my name.

                        With sword and buckler by my side,

                        I hope to win more fame

                        And to fight me thou art not able.

                        So with my trusty sword I soon will thee disable.

St. George     Disable? Disable? It lies not within thy power,

                        For with my glittering sword I will thee devour.

                        So stand off bold Slasher, let no more be said,

                        For if I draw my sword I’m sure to break thy head.

Slasher         How canst thy break my head?

                        For it is made of iron and my body’s made of steel

                        I challenge thee to field.

(They fight Slasher is wounded)

Fool               Alas, alas, my chiefest son is slain.

                        What must I do to raise him up again?

                        Here he lies in the presence of you all

                        I’ll lovingly for a doctor call.

                        A doctor! A doctor! Ten pounds for a doctor!

                        I’ll go and fetch a doctor.

(Enter Doctor)

Doctor                     Here I am.

Fool               Are you a doctor?

Doctor                     Yes, as you may plainly see, by my art and activity.

Fool                Well,  what’s your fee to cure this man?

Doctor                        Ten pounds is my fee, but Jack if thou be an honest man

                        I’ll take only five off thee.

Fool               You’ll be wonderous cunning if you get any.

                        Well how far have you travelled in doctrinship?

Doctor                     From Italy, Titaly, High Germany, France and Spain

                        And now am returned to cure diseases in old England again.

Fool                So far and no further?

Doctor                     Oh yes, a graet deal further.

Fool                How far?

Doctor                     From bedside to fireside cupboard, upstairs and into bed.

Fool                What diseases can you cure?

Doctor                     All sort.

Fool                What’s all sorts.

Doctor                        The fych, the pitch, thepalsey and the gout.

                        If a man gets 19 devils in his skull,  I’ll cast 20 of them out.

                        I have in my pocket: crutches for lame ducks, spectacles for bumble-bees,

                        pack saddles and panniers for grasshoppers and plasters for

                        broken back mice.

                        I cured Sir Harry of a hang nail almost 55 yards long,

                        surely I can cure this man.

                        Here Jack take a little out of my bottle and let it run down thou throttle.

                        If thou be not slain, rise Jack and fight again.

Slasher         Oh my back!

Fool                What’s amiss with thy back?

Slasher         My back is wounded and my heart confounded.

To be struck out of 7 senses in 4 score,

the like was never seen in old England before.

(Fool blows trumpet)

                        Oh hark St. George, I hear the silver trumpet sound

                        that summons us from this bloody ground.

                        Down yonder is the way.

                        I am well St. George, we can no longer stay.

Fool               Yes Slasher, thou had better go,

else next time he’ll pierce you through.

(Exit Slasher)

St. George I am St. George, the noble champion bold

and with my trusty sword I won ten thousand pounds in gold.

Twas I that fought the fiery dragon and brought him to the slaughter

and by those means I won the King of Egypt’s daughter.

(Enter Prince of Paradine)

Prince             I am the black Prince of Paradine, born of high renown.

                        Soon I will fetch thy lofty courage down.

                        Before St George thou departest from me,

                        Thou shalt die to all eternity.

St. George     Stand off thou black Morrocco dog, or by my soul thou’lt die.

                        I’ll pierce thy body full of holes and make thy buttons fly

Prince             Draw thy sword and slay, pull out thy purse and pay

                        For I shall have recompense before I go away.

St. George     Now Prince of Paradine, where have you been

                        And what fine sights have you seen?

                        Dost think that no man of my age,

                        dares such a black as thee enrage?  

Lay down thy sword, take up thy spear

And I’ll fight thee without dread or fear.

(They fight, the Prince dies)

St. George     Now the Prince of Paradine is slain,

                        and all his joys entirely fled.

                        Take him and give him to the flies,

                        That he my never more come near my eyes.

(Enter King of Egypt)

King               I am the King of Egypt, as plainly may appear.

                        I’ve come to seek my son, my son and only heir.

St. George     He is slain

King               Slain? Who did him slay, who did him kill,

                        And in the ground his blood did spill?

St. George     I did him slay,  I did him kill,

                        And in the ground his precious blood did spill.

                        Please you my liege, my honour to maintain,

                        Had you been there you might have feared the same.

King               Cursed Christian! What is this thou’st done?

                        Thou’st ruined me and slain my only son.

St. George     He gave me challenge, why should I it deny?

                        How high he was, but see how low he lies.

King                Oh Hector, Hector, help me with speed,

                        In my life I never stood more in need.

(Enter Hector)

Stand not there Hector, with sword in hand

                        But fight and kill at my command.

Hector                        Yes my liege I will obey, and by my sword I hope to win the day.

                        If that be he who does stand there,

                        That slew my master’s son and heir.

                        If he came from royal blood, I’ll make it run like Noah’s flood.

St. George     Hold Hector, do not be so hot,

for here thou knowst not who thoust got.

                        If I can tame thee of thy pride and lay thou anger too aside,

Inch thee and cut thee same as flies

and send thee overseas to make mince pies.

                        Mince pies hot, mincepies cold, I’ll send thee to Black Sam

                        before thou art nine days old.

Hector                      How canst thou tame me of my pride?

                        Since my head is made of iron, my body is of steel,

                        My hands and feet are knuckle-bone.

                        I challenge thee to field.

(They fight, Hector is wounded)

Hector                      I am a valiant knight and Hector is my name.

                        How many battles I have fought and always won the same?

                        But from St. George I receive this bloody wound.

(Fool blows trumpet)

                        Hark, hark, I hear the silver trumpet sound.

                        Down yonder is the way.

                        Farewell St. George I can no longer stay.

(Exit Hector)

St. George     Here comes the post from old Beau Beu

Fool               Why master did I take you to be my friend?

St. George     Why Jack did I ever do thee any harm?

Fool               Thou proud saucy coxcomb, begone!

St. George     A coxcomb – I deny that name.

                        With a sword you ought to be stabbed for the same.

Fool                To be stabbed is the least I fear.

                        Appoint your time and place and I’ll meet you there.

St. George     I’ll cross the water at the hour of five.

                        I’ll meet you there if I be alive.

(Enter Beelzebub)

Beelzebub      Here comes I Beelzebub and over my shoulder I carry my club

                        And in my hand a dripping pan and I think myself a jolly old man

                        And if you don’t believe the words I say,

                        Enter in Devil Doubt and clear the way.

(Enter Little Devil Doubt)

Little D.D.     In comes I, Little Devil Doubt,

                        If you don’t give me money I’ll sweep you all out.

                        Money I want, money I crave.

                        If you don’t give me money I’ll sweep you all to the grave.

This text is based on the play from Whiston near Rotherham published in the book entitled ‘Sorrelsykes’ by Harold Armitage.