Cast: Lord Nelson

Betty Askett

Tosspot

Beelzebub

St. George

Prince of Paradise

Doctor

Little Devil Doubt

All sing Here’s two or three jolly boys all in one mind

Betty (speaks) Up jumps I, old Betty Askett

Under my arm I carry my basket

In my pocket I carry my cash

And I think myself a canny hard lass.

All sing The next that comes in is old Tosspot you see

Tosspot In comes I who never came yet

Big head and little wit

But let my wit be ever so small

Me and me pompey will wallop you all.

The next that comes in is our old lad

He sits in the Hare and Jug raising his pot

For he likes ale and we like gin

And that’s the way that we come in.

Beelzebub Up jumps I, old Beelzebub

Under my arm I carry my club

In my hand I carry my can

And I think myself a jolly old man.

Tosspot Stir up the fire and strike a light

And see our merry set tonight

If you don’t believe a word I say

Step in St. George and clear the way.

St. George In steps I, St. George the noble champion bold

With my right hand and glittering sword

I’ve won three crowns of gold

‘Twas me who fought the fiery dragon

And brought him to the slaughter

And by this means I won my queen

The King of Egypt’s daughter

If any man dares to enter this town

I’ll dash him as small as dust

And send him to the baker’s shop

To make mince pie crust

Mince pies hot, mince pies cold

I’ll send thee to Black Sam

Before thou’rt nine days old.

Prince In steps I, the Prince of Paradise

The black Minorcan king

With my sword and buckler by my side

As through the woods I ring

As through the woods I ring, brave boys

And this I will make known

That if thou say’st another word King George

I’ll draw thy precious blood.

St. George How canst thou when my body’s made of iron

My head is made of steel

My arms and feet of knucklebone

I’ll chance thee on the field.

Prince Care if I die?

St. George No more do I

Pull out thy purse and pay.

Prince Before I pull out my purse and pay

I’ll draw my sword and fight my way.

Tosspot Stand back, stand back, make room, make room

This battle must be ended soon.

St. George Prepare, prepare for the point of my sword

Fighting we shall have no more

For I shall end it all.

Betty Oh George, oh George, what hast thou done?

Thou’s gone and slain my only son

My only joy, my only heir

How canst thou leave him bleeding there?

St. George Well he chanced me on the battlefield

And that you can’t deny

I split his body in four parts

And made his buttons fly.

Betty Alas, alas, my chiefest son is slain

What shall I do to raise him up again?

Here he lies in the midst of you all

And loudly for a doctor I shall call.

Tosspot I’ve heard of doctors far and near

I’ve even heard of one from Spain

I’m sure if he were here

He’d bring your man to life again.

Betty Send for a doctor, a five pound doctor.

Tosspot There is no five pound doctor, only a ten.

Betty Well call him then.

Doctor In steps I, old John Brown

The best old doctor in the town.

Tosspot How came thee to be a doctor?

Doctor By my travels.

Tosspot How far hast thou travelled?

Doctor Through Italy, Pitaly, France and Spain

Three times round old England and back again.

Tosspot Any further?

Doctor Just a little.

As I was up Tally Ho Street I saw three pigs

Fighting with a knife and fork

I gave a hop, a step and a jump

Then I swallowed them both

That’s what makes my belly look so fat.

Tosspot I wasn’t talking about fat.

Doctor And I wasn’t talking about lean.

Tosspot What was thou talking about?

Doctor What I can cure.

Tosspot What canst thou cure?

Doctor Ipsey, pipsy, palsy, gout,

Pains within, pains without

If this man’s got nineteen devils in his skull

I’ll drive twenty of them out.

Betty Cure this man then.

Doctor I will if I can

Here Jack, take a drop of my sip sap

Let it run down thy thrip thrap

And if thou be not quite slain

Rise up and fight King George again.

Betty Thou art a silly ass

Thou should be fed on grass

The dead man’s never stirred.

Doctor Oh I’ve given him the wrong medicine

I have some other in my inside outside waistcoat jacket pocket

Called Hokey Pokey Helicumpane

Here Jack, take a drop of my sip sap

Ram it down thy thrip thrap

Rise up and fight King George again.

Doctor Oh see, oh see, what I have done

The cleverest doctor under the sun

I’ve cured all his wounds and healed his blood

And given him something to do him good.

Betty What’s thy charge?

Doctor Ten pound, but I’ll only charge you five

Because I know you’re a thief and a liar

And you won’t pay me anyway.

Prince My back is wounded and my heart confounded

Man to man and steel to steel

My chiefest vengeance thou shall feel.

Little Devil Doubt Put up your swords and let them rest

Peace and quietness is the best

If you two would prove your right

Then fight it out another night.

I am a little Devil Doubt

If you don’t give me money I’ll sweep you all out

Money I want and money I crave

If you don’t give us money

I’ll sweep you to your grave.

Come ladies and gentlemen sat by the fire

Put your hands in your pockets and grant our desire

Pull out a penny, threepence or more

And throw it right here out onto the floor.

All sing So here we go round and round all in a row