FARNSFIELD PLOUGH PLAY

Owd ‘Oss Mummers  -  Apr 1986 Version

Cast:-  (Opener)

Tom Fool

Sergeant

Farmer’s Man

Lady Beelzebub

Doctor

(Horse)

Enter (Opener or) Tom Fool

(Opener)       I open this door I enter in.

                        I hope your favour I can win.

                        Whether I sit stand or fall

                        I’ll do my best to please you all.

                        If you don’t believe these words I say

                        Step in Tom Fool and clear this way.

            (Enter Tom Fool)

Tom Fool     In comes I bold Tom.

                        Brave and brisk, fine looking young fellow,

                        I’ve come to taste your beef and ale.

                        They say it’s so ripe and mellow.

                        Good evening ladies and gentlemen all,

                        It’s Plough Monday that’s brought Tom here

                        So bold as to call.

                        I hope you won’t be offended

By what little I have to say,

There’s many more pretty little boys and girls

To come this way.

Some can dance, some can sing,

By your consent they will come in.

Ocum Pocum France and Spain,

Step in Sergeant on the same.

            (Enter Sergeant)

Sergeant       In comes I the listing Sergeant,

I’ve arrived here just now.

I’ve had orders from the King to ‘list all jolly fellows

That follow cart horse or plough,

Such as tinkers, tailors, peddlers, nailers.

The more to my advance,

The more I here the fiddle play,

The better I can dance.

Tom Fool     You dance?

Sergeant       Yes, I can either dance, sing or say.

Tom Fool     If you start to dance sing or say

                        I’ll soon march away.

Sergeant       Come all ye lads that are bound for listing,

                        List and do not be afraid,

                        For your hat shall be trimmed with ribbons,

                        Likewise kiss the pretty.

            (Enter Farmers Man)

Farmers Man           In comes I, the Farmers Man.

                                    Don’t you see my whip in hand,

                                    As I go forth to plough the land, down side up.

                                    How straight I go from end to end

                                    And scarcely make a baulk or bend

                                    And to my horses I attend

                                    As they go marching round the end

                                    Gee, back, whoa.

Sergeant       Are you free, able and willing to list, young man?

Farmers Man           Yes, sir.

Sergeant       In your hat I pin these ribbons,

                        In your hand I place this shilling.

                        Then bright guineas shall be your bounty

                        If along with me you’ll go.

                        And your hat shall be trimmed with ribbons,

                        Likewise cut the gallant show.

Farmers Man           Thanks kind sir, I’ll take your offer

                                    Time and along will quickly pass.

                                    Damn my rags if I’ll be bothered any longer

                                    With that proud and saucy lass.

Sergeant       The saucy lass will not maintain you

                        The beauty it will fade away,

                        Like a flower that grows in summer

And in winter will decay.

            (Enter Lady)

Lady               Here comes a lady, bright and gay

                        Misfortune and sweet charm.

                        I’ve been most scornfully thrown away

                        Right out of my true lovers arms.

                        I swear if I don’t marry him

                        I’ll give him to understand

                        I’ll get another sweeter one

                        And go into some foreign land.

                        Now my lover’s listed

                        And joined the volunteers,

                        I’ll get another brighter one

                        And along with him I’ll go.

Tom Fool     Will you have me my dear?

Lady               Yes, Tommy love, to my sorrow.

Tom Fool     When will be our wedding day?

Lady               Oh, Tommy love, tomorrow.

            (Lady and Tom Fool join hands and dance around and sing……..)

                        Wack for lairey, wack for lairey,

We’ll get wed tomorrow morn.  (Twice)

            (Enter Beelzebub)

Beelzebub    In comes I, old Beelzebub.

                        In my hand I carry a club.

                        In my hand a frying pan,

                        Don’t you think I’m a jolly old man?

                        If you don’t, I do.

                        My head is made of iron

                        My body lined with steel.

                        My hands and feet are made of knucklebone

                        And no man can make me feel.

Tom Fool     So no man can make you feel.

                        I lish you, lash you small as flies.

                        I’ll send you to Jamaica to make mincepies.

                        One, two, three wallop!

            (Beelzebub falls)

Sergeant       Five pounds for a doctor.

Tom Fool     Ten to stop away.

Sergeant       Fifteen to come on a case like this,

                        A dead man in the house.

            (Enter Doctor)

Doctor          Whoa, hold my barley chaff horse,

                        Give him a stiff feed of water

                        And a drink of barley chaff

                        And I’ll show you a brass halfpenny

                        When I come out

                        In comes I the doctor

Tom Fool     You, the doctor?

Doctor          Yes, me the doctor.

Tom Fool     How became you a doctor?

Doctor          By my travels.

Tom Fool     Where have you travelled from?

Doctor          From bedside to fireside

                        And fireside to bedside

And stole many a lump of pohepic out of my grandma’s cupboard,

The other day I went down yonder in Yorkshire,

That’s where you’ve never been.

Tom Fool     No.

Doctor          I thought not.

                        Anyway, there were some little pigs

Running about there with knives and forks

Stuck in their tails

Shouting “Wee, wee, eat me.”

I ran full kick at them

Sending them over 15 hedges and 25 church steeples

And broke every back bone in their bellies

                        And I cured all that

Tom Fool     If all you’re saying is right then

                        Try your skill on this young man

Doctor          So I will.

                        I’ll feel his pulse for a start.

            (Doctor gets hold of Beelzebubs ankle)

Tom Fool     Is that the right place to feel a mans pulse?

Doctor          Why certainly, where should you feel?

Tom Fool     Why, at the back of the neck of course.

Doctor          Ah well, you perhaps went to college

                        A lot longer than me.

                        Ah well, the other day there was an old woman

                        She tumbled upstairs with an empty teapot,

                        Half full of flour.

                        She grazed her shinbone against her leg

                        And made her stoking leg bleed

And I cured all that.

Ah well, I’ll see what I have in my bag.

Ah, some pills!

Tom Fool     Read the resurrections on those pills.

Doctor          These pills, these pills, these virgin pills

                        Have cured both dead and worn,

                        Have healed the sick and cleaned the lame

                        And brought dead men to life again.

                        I have also here a bottle.

                        It’s good for hipsy, pipsy, polsy, gout

                        Pain within and pain without,

                        Draw a leg and set a tooth.

                        And I have also splints for broken backed mice

                        And all other things too numerous to mention.

                        Now I will attend to this young man.

                        This man is not dead but in a trance.

                        If he can dance, we can sing,

                        So rise up old chap and let’s begin.

ALL SING    Good master and good mistress

                        As you sit round the fire,

                        Remember us poor plough lads

                        Who plough through mud and mire.

                        The mire it is so very deep,

                        The water runs so clear.

                        So remember us poor ploughboys

                        With a mug of your best beer.

Beelzebub    Go steady with the ale Tom.

                        There’s nowt more in the hopper.

Tom Fool     What do you want in the hopper?

Beelzebub    I’m as hungry as you are dry.

                        I could eat a piece of pork pie as big as a brick

                        And our old fool here

                        Could eat a piece as big as a gravestone

ALL SING    Good master and good mistress

                        As you sit round your fire,

Remember us poor plough lads

Who plough through mud and mire.

The mire it is so very deep

The water runs so clear.

So we wish you all good night

And another happy year.

This play is believed to have been collected by members of the Owd ‘Oss Mummers prior to 1972.